


Surrender in Blue

by ShatteredGlassHouse



Series: Surrender In Blue - Destiel [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blow Jobs, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Rimming, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-05-06 10:08:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 220,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredGlassHouse/pseuds/ShatteredGlassHouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel loved his job as a NYC cop.  He loved the people he worked with and the ones he helped daily.  His only problem was Dean.  </p><p>Dean loved his job with the NYPD.  He never thought of being anything else but a cop.  If only he didn't have to see Castiel everyday.  They don't get along, and the less they see of each other the better.  Too bad they have one slight problem...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo... I accidentally deleted this story while I was trying to update the newest chapter. I am angry with myself and emotionally drained. I'm posting the first chapter tonight and then the rest tomorrow after work. I'm really sorry.

            

 

“Looks like you're riding with Novak again,” Chuck chuckled as he looked at the board.

“Fuck,” the other officer groaned, and found his name. “And who are you riding with?”

“Tran; remember, I'm his new TO since he requested a switch,” Chuck replied after finding his name just below Dean's.

“Trade with me,” Dean begged.  “I'll put those tires on your car. You know, the ones you've been on my ass about since May.” Dean was desperate; he didn't want another shift with Castiel Novak, it would be his fourth in three weeks.

“No way, Winchester.  I'm not trading. I did that already when you got Fitzgerald two days ago. You're also not a TO. And besides, Kevin owes me lunch since I volunteered to take him on. I'm thinking that Italian bistro downtown.” Chuck backed up and winked at Dean before turning around and walked out of the parade room.

“Damn it,” Dean growled, glaring at the door where the officer disappeared.

“Looks like I'm with you. _Again_ ,” said a familiar gravelly voice from behind Dean.

“Oh really,” Dean sneered, matching the man's tone and rolled his eyes. “I didn't notice,” he smirked when he heard the irritated sigh, and turned around to face his partner.

The officer was only a couple of inches shorter than Dean. He had almost raven coloured hair and deep blue eyes—it had been the first thing Dean had noticed when they had first met. They had been intense and alluring. Now, all they did was piss Dean of every time he met his gaze.

Castiel just rolled his eyes and grunted, “Jeez, only ten minutes into our shift; new record for you?”

Dean didn't dignify the comment with a response and stalked out of the room, Castiel close behind.

“I’d rather not spend the day bitching with you,” Dean grumbled as he unlocked their patrol car.

“You’re the one that started it. I was just making an observation. It’s not my fault you can’t be civil.”  Castiel started pointedly at Dean as he opened the trunk.

Dean gritted his teeth and shoved his bag into the trunk with a little more force than necessary.  Damn it, why was it that the two of them could never go a shift without the other making a smartass comment?  Granted, if they were really paired one a week.  This month was an unwanted exception. 

Most of his partners usually would just shut up and listen, but not Cas.

“Okay, fine,” Castiel sighed and moved to the passenger side, looking over the car to Dean, “I’ll promise to behave if you promise to behave.”

"Thanks, dear," Dean mumbled as he got into the car.

“We’re partners, Dean,” Cas deadpanned. “We’re supposed to work together and ‘listen’ to each other.” He sighed heavily when Dean continued to ignore him and start up the car. “Okay, look,” he spoke after a couple of minutes in silence, "ten-hour shift, let’s just try to get through this without killing each other.”

“Always the peacekeeper.  Aren't you?”  Dean’s tone was mocking when he finally spoke.

“Dea-”

“Fine,” Dean cut him off.  “I’ll try.”

Castiel nodded and relaxed in his seat. Neither spoke for a long time after that.

*****

“Hey there!  Novak!  Winchester!”  Chuck shouted from the side of the road. “You two haven’t killed each other yet? That’s what I like to see!”

“It’s still early!” Castiel called back.

Dean and Castiel were currently sitting in the bottleneck traffic of New York. Chuck and Kevin were currently parked at the side of the road, in front of a cafe. 

“But you made it to noon. That’s got to be something,” Kevin joined in.

“Easy there Tran, don’t knock your superiors,” Dean retaliated.  “Hey, Chuck!  How’s the babysitting going?”

“You’re never going to let that one go, are you?  Unlike you, I actually am doing my job.  Right, Kevin?”  Chuck smirked and turned to the rookie, who just smiled and nodded his head.

“I feel obliged to say ‘yes’,” Kevin answered in an affirmative tone.

Castiel and Dean burst out laughing at the sight of Chuck’s deflated face. “Looks like you’ve got him on a short leash. He knows where his allegiance has to be,” Dean teased.

“You’ve definitely made him your bitch,” Castiel smirked as Chuck flipped them off.  Kevin, the good kid that he was just smiled.  He was used to the officer’s teasing, there was no malice behind any of it.

“Yeah!  Yeah!  You both are fucking hilarious. Knock it off.” 

Chuck narrowed his eyes at the other two men, but his smirk reassured them that it was all in good nature.

“Hey, did you hear what happened to Garth and Anna?” Chuck asked, changing the subject.  “Some little shits paint-balled their car while going down Lewis. Crowley is furious.”

“Did they at least catch them?” Castiel called out. The fact Garth and Anna now had Crowley up their asses and a damaged squad car meant that those two would be pulling extra hours. Staff Sergeant Crowley wasn't one to be messed with, and if anything resulted in a less than perfect day, everyone was in for it.

"Nope," Kevin replied, but the noise he made after hinted like there was something more to it.

“Punks got away, and wait until you fuck up,” Chuck addressed Kevin.  “Trust me; we’ll be the ones laughing at you.”

_“23-03 requesting back-up at 70214 th Street.  Apartment 204.”_

“You going to get that?” Dean asked as the call echoed through the two cars.  Dean lifted his radio and waved it at Chuck.

“No way!  That’s you.  Besides, I’m still on my break.”  Chuck made a point by taking a large bite of his sandwich.

“Here,” Dean shoved the radio at Castiel while rolling his eyes at Chuck.

Castiel pursed his lips and grabbed the radio from Dean.  “Mark,23-07 responding,” he said into the radio.

“See you later,” Dean called and drove off down the street.

“You know, it’s concerning how our co-workers assume that we are going to kill each other every time we work together.”

“It’s just a joke, Cas, lighten up,”  Dean said, sounding almost amused as he continued staring at the road.

“It might be a joke, Dean, but it’s embarrassing that everyone thinks that.  It’s unprofessional.”

“It’s embarrassing to  _you_ ,” Dean corrected.  “I don’t have a problem with it; it’s not stopping me from doing my job.  And you.  You just need to lighten up.”

Castiel scoffed and turned to stare out his window.  Of course, Dean would act that way—make him feel like he was the problem, and had no sense of humour.  It was something Dean always did when he felt like he was just feuding.

“And not everyone thinks that way,” Dean added, continuing to aggravate the situation.  “You’re just choosing to look at it that way.”

“Whatever,” Castiel grumbled just as they pulled up to the apartment complex. 

“204, right?” Dean asked when they walked to the apartment entrance. 

“That’s what the call said,” Castiel responded snidely, which resulted in Dean letting go of the door just before Castiel stepped over the threshold.

“Jackass,” Castiel muttered, following his partner with narrowed eyes.

“I told you to get out of my fucking face, bitch!” a man yelled, echoing around the hall.

Dean gave an annoyed huff and Castiel just rolled his eyes.  A domestic, what else was new?

“Vic?” Dean called, steeping through the open apartment. 

“Henrikson,” Castiel corrected, which earned him another eye roll from his partner.

“Officer Winchester; Officer Novak,” Victor greeted them with a curt nod.  Victor was currently standing in front of a middle-aged man, who was sat on the couch, handcuffed and reeking of alcohol.

“What’s the problem?” Dean and Castiel glanced around the apartment, taking notice of the broken picture frames and upturned furniture. 

“It’s all his fault!” a woman piped up, drawing Castiel and Dean’s attention to the connected kitchen.  “If he had-"

“I told you to shut the fuck up, bitch!” the man yelled, cutting the off woman.

“For God’s sake,” Victor sighed.  “Officer Walker, please take Ms. Staub outside—get these two away from each other.”

“So, do you want to fill us in?”  Dean walked over to a broken off chair leg and some glass, which was everywhere.

“That bitch attacked me!  She just came here and- ” the man began to shout again, causing Victor to raise his voice again.

“We received three noise complaints to Mr. Staub’s apartment.  When we got here, these two were going at it.  They took a couple of swings at each other, not to mention Mrs. Staubs threw a couple of things, as you can see.”  Victor waved his hand illustratively.  “We called for backup, and just as you guys got here we were finally able to get control over the situation.”

“Do you know what they were fighting about?  Or have you not been able to get that far yet?”  Castiel moved to the other side of the couch.

“Yeah, according to him, he and his wife have been fighting over their assets; they’re getting divorced.  She’s demanding more than she deserves, and has been harassing him for the past couple of weeks.  She came over today to get some of her things and they started arguing over money.  He claims that she punched him; judging by the state of Mr. Staubs and his wife, he’s right, but we’re taking both of them in for assault.”

“Okay, so we’ll take the wife?”  Dean walked back out into the living room, following Victor.  “Novak,” he called and pointed to the door to leave.

“Oh, and hey,” Victor called just as Dean and Castiel reached the door.  “It’s good to see you two with your heads intact.”  He gave them a cheeky wink.

“Ha ha, yeah,” Castiel laughed humorlessly.  “Really, Dean?  Not everyone?” he groused as soon as they were out in the hallway.  “Seriously, we're getting a reputation.”

Dean just rolled his eyes—again—and stepped into the stairwell.  "Okay, I see what you mean but again, it's affecting our job.”

Castiel gaped at his partner.  "Wow, are you actually admitting to being wrong for once?"

Dean pursed his lips to bit back a remark.  "Don't get used to it.  Like you ever agree with me."

Cas didn't get a chance to reply before Dean spotted Walker.

“Hey, Aiden!” Dean called out when they exited the building.

Aiden Walker was a young cop, just transferred from precinct 13 after an undisclosed dispute.  The guy was always eager and sometimes missed obvious things because he was distracted.  Personally, the kid irritated Dean, but he wasn’t a bad guy.

“I just got her statement,” the young officer informed when the other two cops approached the car.  “Her story is almost identical to her husband’s, except for the fight, where it’s exaggerated more in her favour.  So, I guess assault for both of them.  You’ll take her in.”

“Got it,” Dean walked over to the car and opened the door.  “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Dean stepped back and let the woman shift her legs.  “Fine.  Whatever.  And it’s _Nicole_ , not _ma’am," s_ he sighed and almost rolled her eyes to the back of her head.  “It’s not like he didn’t deserve it.  Dumb bastard never gave me anything,” Nicole continued to rant as Dean walked her to the other car.

“You’re being taken in for assault, you understand that?” Castiel explained as he followed behind.

“Yeah, yeah.  Little boy blue over there explained it all to me.  As I said: he deserved it.  And besides, he attacked me.”

Nicole let Dean seat her in the car before continuing her griping.  “Aren’t you going to do anything about that?  He hit me.”

“We know and we will deal with it.”  Dean shut the door and walked to the passenger side since Castiel was already by the driver’s side.

“I took the keys for a reason, Novak,” Dean grumbled and yanked open his door.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Castiel feigned remorse.  “Did you want to drive?  You’ve driven for the past three shifts we’ve worked together.  It’s my turn or don’t you trust my ability?”  He spat out the last part.

“God, you’re conceited.  Just drive.”  Dean dropped into his seat, leaving Castiel standing outside the car.

*****

“You were supposed to go left onto Willett St,” Dean said when Castiel went straight through the green light instead of stopping.

“There’s more than one way to get to a place, _Dean_ , and besides Columbia Street is backed up due to construction.”

“No, that was yesterday.  It’s open today or do you not listen to the morning traffic report?”

Castiel gritted his teeth but didn’t say anything.  His grip was tight on the steering wheel and he may have taken the next turn a little too sharply.

“Aww,” Nicole cooed from the back.  “You’re just like my husband and me.  You know: before all this.”  Nicole moved her hands to the side, hinting at her cuffed hands.  “Though, judging by pretty boy’s grip, he’s struggling not to deck you.”

Dean glanced down at Castiel’s hands, which were tightly wrapped around the steering wheel and showed no sign of loosening.

“You two married?” Nicole spoke up again, which caused Dean to almost blanch.

“W-what?” Dean babbled.  Castiel let out a small chuckle but didn’t look away from the road.

“Married?” Nicole repeated like it was the most obvious thing. “Wife?  Girlfriend?”

“Oh,” Dean suddenly felt a little hot and was now cursing for acknowledging the woman.  He shifted in his seat, staring at the car in front of them.

“So are you?” Nicole asked again.  Both officers ignored her this time.  Nicole took the silence as confirmation and clicked her tongue.  “Just as well; you’ll only get screwed in the end.  You know I-”

“You talk a lot,” Dean interrupted, “Why don’t we practice silence.”

“I’m just trying to make conversation.  You’re the one that can’t seem to handle friendly small talk.”

“Mrs. Staub,” Dean protested, “You’ve been arrested, you’re not supposed to have anything to say.”

“Dean,” Castiel warned, peaking at Dean at the side of his eye, “don’t bother.”

“It’s Nicole,” the woman corrected hotly.  “Haven’t been Mrs. Staub since I walked out on that loser.”

Dean remained silent for the rest of the car ride.  Nicole continued talking, but Dean begrudgingly took Castiel’s advice and didn’t bother answering.

*****

“Milton,” Dean greeted, walking into the booking room with Nicole shuffling next to him.  “Thought you were on desk duty.”

“Was switched,” Anna grimaced and handed Dean a plastic bin.   “Officer Bell had to leave, thus here I am.”

“I heard about the car, and I just wanted to say, I am so sorry,” Dean made an effort to keep his features solicitous.

“No, you’re not,” Anna scoffed with a mocking smile.  “You’re just relishing in my misery.”

Dean chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.  “This is Nicole Staub.  She was picked up for assaulting her husband.  And, uh, just her I.D.” He handed the bin back to Anna.  “Nicole, this is Officer Milton, and you will address her as such.  Henrikson should be here soon with the husband.”

“Actually,” Anna smirked and walked around the desk, leading Nicole to a holding cell, “George Staub is already here.”  She pointed to the first cell where the beat up man sat, watching them.  “Beat you here by ten minutes, I think.”

“Well at least I beat her at something,” George laughed.

“Oh, don’t be so proud of yourself.  You’re in a fucking cell,” Nicole bit out, struggling to get over to the other cell.

“Hate to tell you princess, but so are you.”

“Hey!” Anna snapped after closing the cell door on Nicole, “Quiet.  I don’t want to hear you mutter a single word to each other.”

“I guess I’ll leave you here.  Have fun,” Dean sing-songed and walked out the door.

“Hey, Winchester.” 

Dean felt an arm fall over his shoulder.

“Aww, fuck.  No, Tessa.”  Dean pulled away from the woman.  “I am not doing whatever it is you need.”“Oh, come on, Winchester.  I haven’t even asked."  The woman rolled her eyes and flipped open the folder she was carrying.  “I just need a uniform. Crowley said to help myself. Rumour has it, you’re paired with Novak today.  Just thought I’d save you from the torture.”

“Thanks for the offer, _Detective_ , but I think I’d rather sit in a car, torturing myself than in an interview room with some pompous prick who grew up on daddy’s money.”

Tessa raised her hands in surrender and tsked at him.  “Your loss, Winchester.  I’ll see you later.”  She smirked before she turned on her heels and walked down the hall.

“Dean!” Castiel voice snapped, catching his attention.  “Let’s go!  Our shift isn’t over and it’s not lunch yet.”

Dean followed him out of the station and to their car.  “I assume you’re going to drive, _again_.”

“Well, I still have the keys.”  He pulled out the ring of keys, dangling them in front of his partner with a triumphant smile.

*****

“Do you want something to drink?”  Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out a couple of bills.  “My treat.”   He had calmed down in the past hour and was trying to make peace with the man.

They were currently on break.  After an extensive disagreement over where to go for their lunch—Dean wanting a burger and Castiel arguing that they always go where he wanted.  They finally agreed on some hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. They were now parked outside a café because Castiel wanted an iced coffee.

“Nah,” Dean took his water bottle and held it up.  “I’m good.”

“Are you sure?” Castiel’s eyebrows raised.  “You are never fine just with water.  Sure you don’t want a coffee?  Lemonade?”

“I’m fine.  Just go get your drink.”

Castiel just sighed and got out the car.  He returned five minutes later with an iced coffee and a regular coffee.  He placed the coffee in Dean’s cup holder, ignoring Dean’s bemused expression.

“I know you’d want one later,” was the only explanation Cas gave before pulling back onto the road.

The rest of the shift went by without much bickering.  They got into it when a call came in for a noise complaint and Cas wouldn’t take it because it was “too tricky” to turn around.

There was also the occasional snide remark from both men.  However, Dean did end up drinking his coffee, which resulted in a smug smile from Cas and Dean telling him to “fuck off”.

By half-past five, Cas was changed and walking out of 23 to his car, ready to head home.  Dean had disappeared as soon as they walked into the precinct.  He either was already gone or dicking around with one of his friends.

“Hey, Novak!” a voice called out just as Castiel reached his Prius.  The man turned to see Victor walking up to him.

“Victor,” he greeted politely and turned his attention to the other man.

“A bunch of the guys are going out for drinks.  Wanna join us?”

It was a common tradition for a group of them to go to local bars and just hang out.  Recently, it had been almost every night since the warmer weather had begun.  Normally Castiel would join them, but tonight he was too tired to spend any more time with people.

“Thanks for the invite, Victor, but I’m going to have to decline.”  Cas tried to make the weariness in his voice evident so Victor wouldn’t try to persuade him—he wasn’t in the mood.

“Winchester gave you a tough time?”  It was meant as a joke, but Castiel could only manage a small chuckle and a grimace.

“Something like that,” he muttered and fiddled with his keys.  “I’ll probably just run some errands and head home.

“All right.  Well, you know where to find us if you change your mind.”

Castiel nodded and got into his car.  He made a stop at the grocery store and picked up a few things he needed and stopped at a Chinese restaurant to get takeout.  He wasn’t in the mood and couldn’t be bothered to cook anything for dinner, especially if he was going to be eating alone.

The rest of the drive was a drag.  Castiel had hit rush hour traffic and the normal fifteen-minutes drive took him twenty-five minutes.

“Damn it,” Castiel mumbled when he pulled into the underground parking garage.  He pulled into his spot, but the spot next to his was empty.  Yep; he would be eating alone tonight.

*****

“Dean?  You’re still here?  Our shift ended an hour ago.”

Dean turned to see Chuck still in uniform, standing at a desk.  “You’re still here,” he shot back, “and you’re still in uniform.”

“W-well I--fine,” Chuck groaned and pushed a hand through his hair.  “Tessa’s on my ass about this case she’s on.  It was supposed to be you, but she dragged me in as her minion.  I’m a training officer, I don’t get dragged into investigations.”

“So you’re the one Tessa picked?  Ha, tough break.”  Dean patted Chuck on the shoulder and stepped back.  “Tough break, dude.”

“It wasn’t me.  She chose some dick up on the desks, but he fucked up the photocopy.  So she’s asking for my help.”

“Again: tough break.”

“Yeah, I know you’re just devastated over this.”  Chuck batted Dean’s hand away and glared at the man jokingly.  “Anyway, a bunch of us are heading down to that pub we went to for Victor’s birthday.  Want to join us?”

Dean grumbled inwardly. This would be the third invite into two weeks he’s declined.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go, he just preferred to be alone for a few hours after being paired with Castiel.  All the bickering just exhausted him, and as hard as he tried to be civil with his partner, they just constantly butted heads on every single thing.

“Thanks for the offer, Chuck.  But I’m just going to have to pass.  I’m just going to get some food and head home.”

Chuck made a noise of disappointment and patted Dean on the arm.  “Well, the offer is always open if you decide on a change of scenery.”

“Thanks, Chuck,” Dean nodded and walked out of the building and to his car.

Traffic was unusually steady for six at night.  The sun was still up, considering it was June, it wouldn’t darken for another few hours. 

Dean was tempted to drive up to Yorkville to see Sam, but he knew his brother wouldn’t take too kindly to the visit.  He would never admit it, but Dean could tell it pissed Sam off when he dropped by unannounced.  He would always feel rushed and ignored when he visited.  It was a little insulting and sometimes Dean wanted to confront Sam, but at the same time, he couldn’t be bothered with confrontations.  His brother would only stay pissed and possibly drag their friends into it.

It was still reasonably early for the night.  It was Tuesday, which meant Dean had tomorrow and the next day off, so there wasn’t really any rush to get home and relax or wake up at an ungodly hour.

After driving around for a bit, Dean was seriously contemplating taking Chuck up on his offer, but the bar was over on the west side, and he really wasn’t that desperate to drive the twenty minutes it would take.

Driving home was the only option in his mind.  He was hungry but wasn’t in the mood to fight for a parking spot in front of some mediocre diner.

He parked the Impala in his spot and noticed the blue Prius parked next to his spot, as usual.

The elevator ride was quick and Dean walked down the hall to his apartment.

“Glad to see you’re home,” the man on the couch greeted him without taking his eyes off the TV.  “I was starting to get worried.”

“Like you would worry,” Dean huffed as he closed the door and dropped his bag next to the closet.

“There’s leftover Chinese in the fridge if you’re hungry.  I wasn’t going to save you any but morals got the best of me.”

“Geez, you’re a fucking angel,” Dean replied, the sarcasm clear in his voice.  He walked past Cas and into the kitchen.  There were actual leftovers for him and not just pitiful servings.  There were two containers half filled.

Dean took the containers and a beer before walking back into the living room. He kicked off his boots and took the other end of the couch.

“I’d ask you how your day was, but I think we both know how it went.”  Cas threw Dean a flirty wink before looking back to the TV. 

Dean gave Cas an unimpressed look before glancing at the TV, trying to figure out exactly what his husband was watching.  “Why do you watch this?  Reality shows are crap.”  It was some show where a team of celebrities were playing against another team and guessing pointless shit.

Cas sighed heavily and mirrored Dean’s unimpressed look.  “I don’t _always_ watch this.  There was nothing worth watching, but I didn’t feel like turning off the TV.”

“Well, isn’t there a playoff game or something?  I feel like this is going to rot my brain.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Cas complained.  “And the game is tomorrow.”

“Well, find something else to watch.  I don’t want to watch this.”

Castiel made a growl low in his throat and tossed the remote to Dean.  “You find something then if you’re so concerned.  And we have two TVs.  You can just go into our room.”

Dean ignored Cas' comment and flicked through the guide, trying to find something else to watch besides Cas' shitty show.  Why was there never anything good on to watch on Tuesday nights?  There was nothing but cooking and home improvement shows. 

Grumbling incoherently, Dean closed the guide and tossed it to the middle of the couch.  Dean ignored Cas’ satisfied smile when the show returned from its commercial break.

They sat quietly on opposite ends of the couch, watching as the show faded into another reality show—this one didn’t look familiar.

Two beers and four and a half hours of random TV later, Dean was crawling into bed, ready to sleep.  Cas wanted to finish an email to one of his brothers, which meant he wouldn’t head to bed until well past midnight.

Whatever, like Dean cared.  They haven’t gone to bed together in weeks.  To be honest, he liked having the bed to himself when he went to bed before Cas.  There wasn’t any awkward maneuvering to avoid each other.


	2. Chapter Two

"Three shifts in a row. God, I'm going to be so fucked up after this," Charlie complained as she walked into the precinct with Dean.

Dean chuckled and followed the woman over to the changing rooms. "Don't act like you haven't done this before, Bradbury."

"Yeah, and every time it fucks me up," Charlie bit back. Dean gave a halfhearted eye-roll. "I need my sleep. Not everyone can run on four hours of sleep like you can, asshole. Anyway," she sighed, "I'll see you outside.” She huffed in annoyance and stalked into the women's changing room.

Dean chuckled again and made his way into the men's room.

It was the first night shift in his rotation for this month—they weren't his favourite shifts, but he handled them a lot better than some of the other officers (Charlie) did.

"Glad to see you finally showed up. Cutting it kind of close, don't you think?" Cas turned and smirked smugly at the man when he stopped at his locker. The little shit knew why he was almost late—it was all his fault after all.

There were a few other officers in the room, so Dean couldn't respond the way he wanted. It would be too easy for them to pick up on what Cas had meant.

Castiel's smirk grew wider when Dean fiddled with his lock, refusing to answer him. "What's the matter, Winchester? Silent for once?"

A couple of officers nearby snickered, while some rolled their eyes at the two's familiar theatrics. True to Castiel's words, it had become a known thing throughout 23 that Dean and Cas couldn't go ten minutes without one taking a shot at the other.

Dean just smirked impishly instead and leaned closer to Castiel's ear, lowering his voice so no one else could hear. "We both know how untrue that is.” He swept his tongue over the shell of his husband’s ear. He heard the sharp inhale and flicked his tongue once more. Thankfully, the angle he had his head tilted at blocked them from view.

Dean pulled back and raised his eyebrows when he saw Castiel's eyes narrow and the light blush staining his cheeks. He winked and pulled his t-shirt over his head as Castiel huffed and walk out the room.

Dean had just finished changing when Chuck came barging into the room.

"Dean, hurry up!" he snapped, looking a little frazzled. "Briefing is about to start and if you miss it, you know Crowley will put you at a desk today."

Dean glanced at Chuck for a second; the officer looked as if he’d had one too many energy drinks, or was in serious need of a Xanax. "Calm down, dude. I'm coming.” The officer closed his locker and followed the agitated man out of the room. Sure enough, Crowley was standing up at the front of the assembly of officers, about to begin just as Chuck and Dean slipped into the room.

"I told you," the officer grumbled and moved to the sill at the back of the room, where a couple of other men stood.

"Cool it, Shurley. We made it, so calm down. You're going to wind yourself up and we haven't even started yet.” Dean leaned against the ledge, next to Chuck. He could see Castiel sitting at one of the tables on the left side of the room. He was fiddling with his notepad when Kevin took the seat next to him. He smiled politely but didn't engage Kevin in a conversation.

"And I swear if I am ever partnered with anoth-" Dean had realized Chuck was still talking—he didn't even know what he was saying—complaining about.

"All right you insufferable lot, let's get started," Crowley announced, gaining everyone's attention at once.

Dean rolled his eyes at Crowley's opening. It may be unconventionally brash, but the staff sergeant didn't seem to care about who he offended.

"Do you think, just for once, he could start parade without insulting us?

Dean snorted quietly and shook his head. It didn't really bother him. After being on 23's force for eight years—six of which were under Crowley's supervision, he'd gotten used to the Staff Sergeant's rough demeanor—however, some of the rookies found it insulting; Crowley never cared if they complained.

"Assignments are up on the board.  I don't want to hear too much bitching," Crowley concluded, closing off with the usual "serve and protect", while adding his own twist of "and do your damn job".

"Does he have to be so crass, though? I mean, I'm sure it doesn't take that much effort for him to be nice.” Chuck was still ranting. Normally the man didn't give a second thought to the older officer’s speeches, but today he seemed a little off beat.

"Dude, it's just Crowley. He hasn't exactly changed in the past five years," Dean argued, not really defending the man’s behaviour, but it was no use in wasting breath over the situation. "I doubt he’ll change anytime soon.” The officer walked up to the board, hoping he wasn't stuck with Cas for this shift.

"It's still unpleasant," Chuck muttered and looked at the board for his assignment.

"Aww, damn it. I'm stuck with Tran on desk duty. Why is it when he's on the desk, so am I?"

Dean looked around the room for Kevin. He hoped the kid wasn't in earshot, he didn't want Chuck to add “provide Kevin with therapy” to his list of things to do. The last thing the man needed to do was console a wounded Kevin.

While looking around for the rookie, Dean spotted a familiar mop of dark hair leaving the room, alone. _Thank God_. Castiel either had desk duty or was partnered with some other officer. Regardless, he wasn't partnered with his husband and that was a relief.

"Winchester!" a soft voice snapped, "you're with me. Let's go.”

Dean turned to see Charlie standing at the door, tapping her foot impatiently. "I want to stop for coffee first," the red-head said, when Dean reached the door, "So, let's go. Come on—quickly.”

"Maybe I don't have it so bad," Chuck teased as he followed the two officers out of the room.

"Shh, don't let her hear you," Dean warned in a joking tone and lightly swatted his friend on the shoulder while glancing at the back of Charlie, who was walking a few steps ahead of them. "I'm the one who has to ride with her.”

"Well, have fun," Chuck snickered, patting Dean on the back and walked off to the briefing room.

*****

"Do you want me to drive or do you?" Charlie asked once they reached their car.

"Doesn't really matter," Dean shrugged his shoulders and moved to the trunk to place his bag in the compartment.

"You drive," the female officer decided, tossing the keys to her partner. "I want to enjoy my coffee and I can't if I have to worry about protecting your ass.”

"You're so thoughtful," Dean's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Can it, asshole," Charlie warned and got into the car, giving Dean a smug smile. "You're chauffeuring.”

"I’m not your damn chauffeur, Bradbury.” Dean started the car and pulled out onto the street.

"Fine. Just the coffee shop," Charlie frowned in a mock pout and crossing her arms over her chest.

Dean snorted and lightly rubbed the woman’s shoulder as he pulled onto the main road and drove for about five minutes before Charlie spoke again.

“Just turn right up here, after the lights and down until I say so.” She directed them to a small cafe stuck between a hair salon and a dry cleaner.”

Dean made a noise in the back of his throat once he saw the place. The fluorescent open sign was flickering as if the lights were on their last circuit. The windows were stained around the edge, and inside there was only a counter with a few tables and chairs.

"What?" Charlie questioned and cocked an amused eyebrow.

"This place looks about one second away from going bankrupt," Dean gave a half laugh in disbelief, and gestured to the shop. "You don't honestly go here?"

"Hey!” Charlie slapped Dean’s hand away. “I actually like this place. Their coffee is cheap and decent; better than that Starbucks shit.” She got out of the car but leaned back in to stare at Dean before heading to the coffee shop. "And to prove it, I'm going to buy you one.” She gave him a mischievous smile just as he began to protest.

"No, you don't. I don't eve-" Dean was cut off by the slam of the car door.

Charlie came out five minutes later, carrying only one cup.

"I didn't want to waste my money on you," she explained and took a sip of her drink.

"Uh," Dean clicked his tongue at the woman’s comment. "I don't know if I should be insulted or relieved.”

Charlie just smiled and continued to sip her coffee.

"Why the hell did you even need that?" Dean questioned when Charlie moaned obscenely loud. "We still have nine hours together.”

"Exactly," she exclaimed, "I have nine hours stuck with you and I have to stay up until seven.”

"We all have to stay up until seven, Charlie. Let it go," Dean replies, drawling out the last part. "Maybe if you thought more positively about your shift than you'd be less surly.” He let out a low chuckle and smiled broadly while raising his eyebrows

"Fuck you," Charlie gasped and punched Dean in the shoulder. "Thinking positively won’t change the fact that I'm still stuck with you all night.” She spat out the last part. Despite the hostile tone, a smile spread across her face and soon both officers were chucking together.

*****

The shift passed quickly. They had pulled someone over because of a broken taillight and arrested a man for public intoxication. That had been an interesting one, since the man claimed to not have been drinking while simultaneously chugging a Guinness and trying to run off, only to get about two steps before tripping over his own feet.

"I swear I'm going to clock the next drunk who throws up on me," Charlie growled as she walked out of the woman's change room, freshly changed.

They had made it back to the station without out any trouble, save for some rowdy comments from their drunk detainee. The worse had occurred when Charlie led the man out of the car and he proceeded to empty his stomach contents all over the officer’s shoes and pants.

"Wouldn't go around advertising that while in uniform and a room full of cops.”

As if to prove his point, a senior officer walked by.

"This is the third time this year. Do you know what it's like to have someone's vomit on you? 'Cause I do," Charlie snapped, her eyes were wide and she was gritting her teeth.

The officer was getting herself worked up and Dean couldn't help but chuckle. It was funny to see his friend get as red as her hair.

"Hey," Dean soothed, holding up his hands in defence. "At least you were at the station—you could have been in the middle of a call." He gave her a wide grin, to which his partnered responded in a huff and stormed down the hall, muttering something about "overbearing ass".

Fortunately, for Charlie—and Dean's sanity, the rest of their patrol went without any more hiccups.

By half-past seven, Dean was walking out of the station and to the Impala.

The sun was up and far too bright for his liking. Even though some buildings blocked the light directly, it didn't hide the fact that it was still far too bright, and he would have to close the curtains if he wanted any hope of falling asleep for the day.

*****

When Dean got home, Cas' car was already parked in its spot. Recently it had become normal for Cas to arrive home earlier than he did. Ever since they got onto the same group schedule, they'd worked the same shifts, which just increased the fighting. When they had overlapping schedules, there were one or two days where he would get their condo to himself or Cas would. Now, there was no escaping each other or at least until their schedules were switched up again.

When Dean walked through the door, the whole place was dark. Castiel was asleep, judging by the heavy curtains closed over the windows. They had learned soon after moving to the condo that dark curtains were essential if they ever wanted to sleep after their night shifts.

He kicked off his shoes and dumped his bag by the door before shuffling over to the bedroom.

The door was left slightly ajar, allowing him to slip into the room without making too much noise.

Castiel was on his side of the bed, his back facing the door. His clothes were laying in a pile by the closet and soon Dean’s joined them as he changed into his sweatpants and a t-shirt.

Dean pulled back the blankets on his side and laid down on the mattress. He tossed around the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. He punched his pillow down, finally settling down when an arm swatted at his chest.

“Find a fucking position and lie down,” Castiel grunted, still keeping his back turned to Dean.

“You moved my pillow,” was Dean’s argument and he could practically feel Castiel’s eye roll.

"Are we really going to argue about this?" Castiel's voice was low and muffled from his pillow. "I'm tired, Dean. I just want to sleep, and I can't if you're shaking the bed every damn minute.”

"Good night to you too, Sunshine," Dean quipped and turned his back to Castiel, purposely shaking the bed more than necessary.

"It's morning," Castiel corrected, causing the Dean to grit his teeth. Of course, his husband had to be literal.

*****

Dean woke a little after one. The loud crash of thunder was almost deafening and yet Castiel still managed to remain passed out.

He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Another crash of thunder echoed through the room and this time Castiel stirred but still did not wake.

Considering the amount of time Dean had been asleep for, he knew there was no hope in trying to get more rest.

He tossed the sheets aside and unceremoniously climbed out of bed. He didn't really care if he woke Cas or not; his husband had done it to him more than once.

He shuffled around the bedroom, picking out a new set of clothes, and then crept into the hallway. He closed the door behind him so he could open the curtains without Castiel bitching at him that the light was too bright.

He went into the bathroom and took a quick shower before changing and heading into the kitchen for something to eat. He opened the curtains first, letting the dull glow dampened by dark clouds fill the room. Despite the sun making an earlier appearance, the dark grey sky hid any evidence that the day had started out brightly.

Castiel woke a little before two. He was still in his sweatpants and an old band t-shirt of Dean's.

"That's mine," was the first thing Dean said when Castiel walked into the kitchen space. He almost felt bad for his rough tone, but then his partner retaliated and any sympathy he may have felt diminished in that instant.

"I was tired," Castiel glanced down at his—Dean's shirt, "it was the first thing I grabbed. If it's of such importance to you, then don't leave it on the fucking floor.

There had been many times when Castiel wearing Dean's clothing was such a turn on.  Where Dean wanted to do nothing but pin Cas down to the nearest surface and ravish him. Mainly when they were newlyweds and couldn't keep their hands off each other. Now, more times than not, seeing his husband in his clothes just served to piss him off.

"Sorry. I thought the maid was coming around today," Dean taunted.

"Don't patronize me." Castiel let out an annoyed huff. "Here, if it's such a big deal to you, take it.” He yanked the fabric up and over his head and tossed it to Dean.

Dean caught the shirt, letting it lay limp in his hand. It really wasn't about the shirt anymore—once he got a reaction out of Cas, he loved it. He didn't know why, but he couldn't help but push his husband's buttons.  It gave him the attention that he felt comfort from. As odd as that sounded he, knew Cas felt the same way.

"Now you're just being childish.” Dean stood up and let his eyes rake over Castiel's bare chest. He noticed the younger man stepped back a bit and a dark smirk spread across Dean's face.

Dean walked around the table and to Castiel, backing him up against the counter. "Dean, not now," he protested, putting a hand against the older man’s chest, pushing him back. "I'm not in the mood for this; just let me eat.”

Castiel stepped to the side, trying to get around Dean, but the other man extended his arms, trapping him between him and the counter.

"You know," Dean spoke slowly, "I really hate whe-" Castiel let out a frustrated growl and dropped his head back. Just before Dean could finish his sentence, the phone rang, redirecting the man’s attention.

Dean pulled back and let out a heavy breath before walking over to the phone laying on the kitchen table.

"What do you want?" he sighed into the phone, omitting a formal greeting. Dean glanced at Castiel from the corner of his eye and smirked when he saw his husband’s reaction.

Castiel rolled his eyes and opened the fridge to get something to eat. Sometimes he seriously questioned Dean's manners or lack thereof.

"Hello to you too, Dean.  What's with the attitude?"

"Because your every waking minute is spent studying for that damn test. You don't call unless you need something. I just woke up and am hungry. Now what?"

Castiel tried to figure out who Dean was talking to. His tone was patronizing and judging by the banter and topic of school, it was either Sam or Jo.

"Fuck no," Dean exclaimed and took a seat at the table. "I am not coming up to visit. I'm working tonight and I'm not spending a better part of the day watching you study _Law for Dummies_."

Sam, it was then. Ever since the youngest Winchester graduated law school almost two weeks ago, he'd been devoting all his time to studying for the bar.

"Where's Jess? Just ask her. I'm sure she'd love to watch that.  You two are shaking up now, aren't you?

 _"I'm taking a break, actually. As for Jess, we are not…living together.”_   The way Sam said ‘not living together’ made it seem like there was something more. Dean was going to ask, but Sam spoke again. _"And I haven't been spending all my time studying. I'm just reviewing everything,"_   Sam shot back a little hotly.

Dean rolled his eyes and scoffed softly. "Right, like you're going to forget everything you've learned in the past four years in two months. Sam, you were top of your class. And I thought you couldn't study for this test.” He could vaguely remember Sam freaking out over the fact that he was going into the test "blind"—or something like that.

_"You can't study like a school exam; you can take prep classes. But I'm not about to half-ass the most important exam of my life. I'm just-"_

"Right: you can't study," Dean cut in, sensing his brother was going to work himself into despair. "So just wing it and hope for the best." He knew his joke would not go over well with Sam. He could practically see his brother's "bitch face" when he was met with silence.

 _"The fact that you’re suggesting to someone who just spent over a hundred thousand dollars on school to just ‘hope for the best’—astonishes me. How the hell did you actually pass school?”_   Sam's tone was low and disapproving.

"It's all in the attitude, Sammy," Dean declared broadly and smirked when he heard his brother huff. "You'll never get anywhere with that view on life." He ignored Sam's protest to shut up. "And you didn't spend a hundred grand; you got at least half of that in scholarships and grants.”

The older Winchester heard a muffled "damn it, Dean" and a humourless chuckle.

 _"I called because I wanted to just get away from my school work, not to be ridiculed for how fortunate I am. And I know your schedule. I just wanted to know if you want to go out for dinner or lunch actually"_   Sam bit out and Dean knew he might have crossed a line. He was just taking his frustrations out on his brother.

The officer ran a hand over his face and exhaled loudly. "So, dinner?"

 _"You're shitty at apologizing,"_   Sam observed. It was something Dean had gotten used to hearing whenever he refused to say sorry, but he knew by his brother’s tone that they were putting it behind them.  _"I could come over there or you could come here—I just figured that it would be easier to go to you, so you didn't have a long drive to work.”_ Sam's voice had returned to its usual calm tone; they were good again.

"Yeah, that's fine," Dean agreed, trying to sound enthusiastic. He ignored Castiel's critical frown. He knew Cas could see through his act. He really didn't want to go out, not because of Sam, he just preferred to stay at home while he was scheduled on night shifts. "Anywhere in particular?"

If Dean had it his way, it would be at a bar & grill, where a burger and fries were the staples. Sam, however, was adventurous and always insisted on trying new things.

_"You can pick. I just want to go out.”_

"That place I took you to after your graduation," Dean decided. He could never remember the name of that place, but he'd gone there before with Victor and Chuck, and they had a great burger.

 _"We just went there,"_ his brother whined and Dean snorted.

"You said I get to pick, so can it.”

 _"Fine. Whatever,"_ Sam muttered glumly. _"Hey,"_   his voice instantly perked up, _"Feel free to bring Cas, too.”_   Dean froze. He looked at the other man, who was now seated beside him, reading yesterday's newspaper.

"Um, I'll ask," Dean sighed and caught Cas' questioning eyes.

Castiel frowned and tilted his head.  The fact that Dean was going to ask him wasn't new.  But they both knew the answer. 'No'.  It wasn't easy to pretend around Sam.  The boy was too observant for his own good.

This had become a touchy subject lately. Sam was always willing to include Cas in their plans, no matter if it was just going out to run errands. Cas and Sam had always gotten along, particularly from the moment they first met—Sam was also one of the few people to know that Dean and Cas were married, along with Castiel's brothers, as well as Dean and Sam's friends Ellen and Jo, and of course Bobby.

 _"Make sure he comes this time,"_ Sam begged.  He remembered his brother saying he and Cas were on the same schedule.

"I said I'll ask.  But it's up to him."

Castiel continued to read the paper.  It was hard to say 'no' to Sam to his face so it was always appreciated when he called to ask.  They were lying to Sam and both felt bad but it was a secret they didn't want share.  Especially with the bar coming up.  If Sam knew they were having problems, like Dean, he'd do anything to help fix it.

 _"Fine,"_ Sam's tone was resigned, he knew Cas wasn't going to come.  Except on the occasion when Sam physically went to their place or it was a celebration, the youngest Winchester rarely saw Dean and Castiel together. Come to think about it, he rarely saw his brother's husband at all. Sure, they were together at his graduation ten days ago, but that was because Sam had insisted that both of them attended.

There was a beep on Sam's end and Dean could hear some shuffling.

_"Hey, sorry, but Andy is calling me. Do you mind if I-"_

"Yeah. Go ahead. I'll see you tonight.” Dean hung up after Sam said a quick "goodbye" and a promise to call when he was about to leave.

"So I guessSam invited," Castiel said as soon as Dean placed the phone on the table. He got up and carried his dishes to the sink.

"Yep.  You can come, you know.  We'll just have-"

"I kind of don't want to risk it."  As much as Dean didn't want to see Cas brothers he kind of didn't want to see Dean's alone.  But at the same time, not being there would make it more suspicious.  Yet, he'd stay home.  He was still tired and had a feeling tonight would be hard.

"You sure?  Sam is going-"

"I know.  We have to hide this better but I'd rather not risk today with how tired I still am."

"If you're sure."

"I am.  I'll clean or something.  Go.  Sam's probably close to a mental break down.  God, you a rubbing off me.  Just go."

Dean smirked.  As cute as it would have been years ago to see Cas act like him, it just twisted something in his gut that made him feel sick.

 

 

*****

During the time Dean was downstairs, Cas decided to tidy up the house. He vacuumed and whipped down the windows. He placed new towels in the bathroom, Dean having taken the old ones.

He straightened up their photos on the wall. They were mainly family photos of Dean and Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo. One with him and his brothers, mainly because he refused to put up anymore. Ironically, there were a few from their wedding. The central picture, was Dean and him standing outside of City Hall, smiling and so in love. The next one was Dean and Sam, and then one of Dean and him with Sam, Bobby, Jo, and Ellen, as well as Gabriel and Lucifer all at some restaurant for the "reception".

Castiel smiled at the grinning Dean and Cas, only twenty and nineteen at the time—when things were so simple, and they were so eager to just be with each other. They had married just before Dean got too far in the Academy, and a year later Cas joined. They had agreed to not disclose their marriage to anyone, mainly because it wasn't exactly legal in many places.

By the time their marriage was considered legal in New York, they were so deep in keeping it a secret, they almost couldn't be bothered to come clean. It had become routine: their life.

Cas gave a sad smile and ran his fingers over their wedding photo. He was so lost in his reminiscing he jumped when the shrill ring of the phone broke through his thoughts.

He started and glanced around, expecting to see Dean, but he was just met with an empty room and a ringing phone. Placing his paper towels on the sideboard, he went to grab the phone off the coffee table.

The caller ID flashed "Sam Winchester". Castiel was hesitant to answer the call—he was probably calling back for his brother, but Dean still hadn't returned from doing the laundry.

The phone rang a couple more time before the answering machine kicked in. Just as Dean's voice started to fill the room, Castiel pressed the "talk" button.

"Sam?" Cas answered and berated himself a second later—of course, it was Sam.

 _"Hey, Cas,"_   Sam sounded out of breath, almost flustered. Before Castiel could ask what was wrong, Sam continued. _"Would you tell Dean I can't make it tonight? Something just came up and I-I can't-"_

Castiel furrowed his brows in confusion when Sam stumbled over his words. "Sam, is everything okay?" This attitude was completely different from only a few minutes ago when the youngest Winchester had first called, practically begging Dean to go out with him, and now he was cancelling not 30 minutes later.

 _"I'm fine, Cas. Everything is fine. Will you just tell Dean, please?"_ Sam's tone made it clear he wasn't in the mood to argue, and he didn't want to discuss it further.

"Yeah, I'll let him know," Castiel reassured. There was a deep sigh of relief on Sam's end and a small "Thanks".  "Listen, Sam," he tried again; he didn't feel right letting his brother-in-law go in this state, "If you ne-"

 _"I have to go, Cas. Just let Dean know,"_   Sam cut in and all too quickly, the line went dead.

About 40 minutes after the call, Dean came back, carrying a basket of neatly folded clothes.

"What’s wrong with you," Dean questioned when he noticed Castiel's pensive expression. "Did Gabriel send you porn again?" he smirked and chuckled at his own joke.

Castiel looked up at the man quizzically, not really understand the reason behind his humour. "I don't underst-"

"Never mind," Dean brushed off and went into the bedroom.

"Dean?" Castiel followed the man into the bedroom. He stood by the door, watching the older man put away the clothing.

Dean seemed to be ignoring him or was waiting for him to continue because he didn't stop his task or acknowledge Castiel had even spoken.

"Sam called back," Castiel continued, which did catch Dean's attention. "He can't make it tonight. He wouldn't say why, but he sounded really agitated like something was off.”

"That little bitch," Dean muttered—“Forcing me to go out with him and he cancels less than an hour later." He was complaining, completely ignoring the latter part of what Cas had said.

"Aren't you even concerned that something might be bothering him?" Cas started in disbelief. Dean seemed like he couldn't care less that his brother sound distressed.

The older Winchester shrugged and continued to hang up shirts. "Not really. He's probably realized he forgot he had to study about some bill that got passed.”

One thing Castiel never understood with the Winchester brothers was their whole insouciant attitude towards each others' problems. One of them could have been fired from their job or evicted, and the other would carry on as if there nothing had happened. If he did that to his brothers he'd be reamed a new one for "withholding" information", or for being a "heartless bastard", as Gabriel declared the one time he didn't show enough interest in his older brother’s problem of the week.

"Your lack of concern astonishes me." Castiel frowned; he still didn't understand the Winchesters at times. "I'm just saying, Sam sounded different, not the normal ‘I'm stressed over school’ routine. Maybe yo-"

"Cas, seriously," Dean interrupted, holding up a hand. "Don't tell me how to be a brother to Sam. If he wants to talk about it, he'll talk to me later.  We've been through this before."

Dean placed the last shirt in the closet and carried the basket back to the hall, brushing past the dark-haired man, who remained in the bedroom for a couple more minutes.

Cas and Dean spent most of the afternoon both ignoring each other. If Dean was watching TV, Cas either went into their room or took out his laptop.

When Castiel asked what Dean wanted for dinner, the man just grunted and said he didn't care, which resulted in him making a chicken dish and Dean griping that he practically married his brother.

"Give me the strength to not wring his neck," Castiel whispered into the empty room, just as he began to get ready for work. "Fuck.” He growled and rubbed his eyes tiredly—it was only eight and all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. It was going to be a long night. His only hope was the possibility that he wouldn't be partnered with Dean.

 


	3. Chapter Three

"Oh God, today is going to be interesting," Anna moaned and dropped in the chair next to Dean. "Friday the 13th and a full moon, ugh."

Dean chuckled and patted Anna on the back.  "If it's any consolation, today will probably be better than last month."

"Anything will be better than last month," Anna grumbled and scowled at the memory of that day.

Dean and she had been partnered up and had resulted in a drunk man calling her "sweet cheeks" each time she addressed him; three teenage boys egging their car when they were responding to a noise complaint; her pants ripping at the knee when she wrestled an aggravated woman threatening to attack her boyfriend; and finally, a man butting her, claiming to be a werewolf—that one was her favourite.

Dean continued to laugh and lightly rub Anna's back. He hoped for her sake that she got desk duty this time.

"All right, werewolves and Robert England hunting us down. Let's get started," Ash announced, walking into the parade room with a too happy smile plastered on his face.

"That's Freddy Krueger, you dick. Wrong movie," Charlie laughed, following closely behind the officer.

"Whatever," Ash waved his hand dismissively, "This day is still going to be great."

"He's obviously never spent a full moon on the streets," Dean mumbled under his breath, which earned him a light chuckle from Charlie, who was sitting in front of him, next to Castiel.

"Hey, Milton. Ready for today?" Chuck taunted and nudged Anna as he walked by their table.

It was a thing they all did during Friday the 13th and full moons—to share their stories. Not every shift was an event, but there was always someone who had a hell of a day. Needless to say, Anna had beaten them all. Even though it happened in May, only a month ago, she was still being teased; but she took it like a champ.

Anna just moaned and kept her face pressed into the table. "Desk duty would be a blessing," her voice was muffled against the wood.

Charlie turned around and smiled. "Unlike you, I am actually looking forward to this. I hope I get booking; you get all the great stories."

"Yeah and uncooperative assholes who hate you because they’re stuck in a 'cage'. Fun," Dean said sarcastically and gave a mocking smile. "I just hope I'm not with-" he gave a short whistle and pointed at the back of Castiel.

Charlie glanced at the officer beside her and back at Dean. She was biting her lip to refrain from laughing.

Castiel let out a heavy sigh and looked up from the table. "Just because I'm not looking at you, doesn't mean I can't hear you, nor understand what you are implying.”

Even though Cas' head was facing the wall ahead of them, Dean could tell his eyes were narrowed.

There was a bit of scattered chuckling, and slowly the room began to fill. Anna finally looked up when they heard Crowley enter the room. The man looked exceptionally sour—more so than usual. He didn't greet the room with his usual offending introductions. Instead, he just strolled straight to the front and up to the podium.

There was still some light chattering coming from a few officers who did not notice the Staff Sergeant's arrival. Crowley either didn't care or was setting them up for embarrassment.

Someone gave and loud cough and soon the taking died.

Crowley smirked vindictively and began to speak. "Good, now that everyone has shared their insignificant gossip, I'd like to begin. If that's okay with you?" He nodded to the three officers who in returned blushed and hung their heads in embarrassment.

 _Yep, sick bastard_ , Dean thought, and judging by Chuck's now anxious face, he was having similar thoughts.

The staff sergeant gave a smug smile before actually beginning today's briefing. "Friday the 13th and a full moon." Someone had the nerve to actually howl, but judging by Crowley's face, he didn't care. "While I say the whole theory is bollocks, apparently to some the stories are 'true'. So I am required to warn you to be alert today." He made a point to glance around the room with a stern look, which everyone knew was just an act. "So patrol like usual, but keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour."

"Anna!" He called out, causing the woman to jump and stare wide-eyed.

"Yes, sir?" To her credit, Anna's voice was a lot calmer than her posture.

"Since your story, last month is practically infamous, as an arrangement, you're being put on a desk." At the man's first words, Anna's whole body relaxed instantly. "The rest of you, your assignments are on the board. So, go serve and protect, and all that crap." Crowley waved his hand dismissively and walked off as the officers stood.

"Always with the pleasantries," Dean muttered sarcastically and got up with Anna. "At least you got your wish." He smiled and the woman‘s smile dropped.

"I feel like Crowley's act wasn’t out of the kindness he was presenting. I'm still going to be hearing about this a—oh no." Anna threw her head back dramatically and let out a low growl. "Frankel is on desks. That kid is going glue himself to me and talk my fucking ear off."

"Oh, come on," Dean glanced at Anna, who looked like she was in the middle of a prayer, "Gary's not a bad kid. A little eccentric, maybe."

"You've never been stuck with that kid for long periods of time. I swear you'll never want to listen to a sound for days after a shift with him," she ranted and turned away from the board.

"I think you're being a little too hard on the kid," Dean admitted. Though he found Anna's anger to be entertaining, he remembered what it was like to finally lose the 'rookie' title and become an officer; eager to prove oneself. "Anyway," he continued and looked for his assignment for the day, "I'm-"

"Booking, Dean. Let's go," Castiel called out, walking by his husband and over to the door.

"Aw, you got to be fucking kidding me," he moaned, a little too loudly—earning a few chuckles from some fellow officers.

"Looks like we’re both in the same boat." Anna grinned, clearly enjoying Dean's own annoyance.

"Let's go, Dean," Cas snapped from the door after Dean didn't make a move to follow him.

"Wanna have lunch together?" Anna offered as she and Dean followed Castiel. "We can bitch to each other."

"I'll meet you in the break room," was all Dean said before they headed off to booking and Anna off to the squad room.

True to Anna's assumptions, Gary Frankel plopped himself down at the desk facing hers.

"Have you ever noticed people often say ‘good night’ when it's past midnight, and yet it's really morning?"

She groaned quietly, and so it began.

*****

Castiel and Dean walked quietly to the booking room. Castiel could tell how pissed Dean was that they were partnered together _again_. It would be five times in less than a month. Sometimes he thought Crowley had it out for them. He tried to think back to what they did together to piss off Crowley. There was that time they “allowed” (as Crowley had put) that drunk biker to drop a TV on their cruiser, putting a car out of commission when they didn’t have the budget to replace it. That had been the only time Dean and he had messed up enough to end up in the Staff Sergeant’s office, but that was two years ago. Crowley couldn’t still be out for them. Could he?

Sure, Crowley was a dick, and constantly subjecting everyone to his daily insults. Possibly offending anyone who walked by him, but… Hell, it was probably their punishment. Karma showing its ugly face, having it out for them since they couldn’t seem to hold their tongues every time they were together.

“I don’t know what’s worse: spending ten hours in a car with you or spending ten hours with Chuck Noland over there watching us,” Dean grumbled and nodded to a holding cell where a scruffy looking man sat, staring at them.

“Do you really have to be so negative?” Castiel sighed and brushed passed him so he could take a seat behind the desk. “I haven’t even said anything and already you’re attacking me.”

Dean smirked and sat down next to Cas, he really didn’t care about being partnered with his husband today; it was easier to ignore him at a desk than in a squad car. But it was still fun to mess with him, especially when it would irritate him to no end.

*****

It was three hours into the shift and the day was holding up to its name. So far, they had processed and booked a man for causing a disturbance in a neighbourhood because his girlfriend locked him out, even though he had his key in his pocket. He would have been let go if he didn’t punch Kevin in the face for suggesting that he check his pockets; poor kid. Two university students were in for stealing a coffeehouse sign and running from the on-scene officer.

“Okay, which famous landmark is constantly moving backwards?” Dean asked, reading off his computer screen, and looked over at Cas, who was working on some paperwork. They had just reached the three and a half hour mark, and things were surprisingly quite.

“Niagara Falls,” Castiel answered, without looking up from his paper. He didn’t get where the random question came from, but he wasn’t about to indulge Dean further.

“Yeah,” Dean sighed, sounding disappointed that Castiel had gotten the question correct.

“You know it’s because of erosion and-“ Cas continued, not able to help himself.

“I know, Cas. I was just quizzing you,” Dean cut in before his husband could explain the whole “science” behind it.  “All right, how about this one, since you’re into all that historical crap. And you’re Catholic right?” he didn’t wait for an answer and continued reading off the question. “This thirteenth-century monk and theologian-"

Castiel huffed in frustration and sat up, looking straight ahead, but Dean could see the impatient expression on his face. “I don’t know. How the hell should I know this?”

“You didn’t even let me finish,” Dean argued and glanced at Cas who ran his hand through his hair, tugging on the ends.

“I don’t care." Cas shifted and turned to the right, staring at Dean. “In case you haven’t noticed, but I haven’t exactly been practicing since I graduated high school.” He lolled his head to the left, watching Dean with a bored expression.

Dean ignored the little speech and continued to scroll down the page on his screen. Cas just shook his head in disbelief and turned back to his work.

“How much screen time did Anthony Hopkins have as Hannibal Lecter in ‘Silenc’-?”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Castiel interrupted, and Dean heard the wheels of Castiel’s chair roll over the floor as he pushed back and moved to his side of the desk, peering over his shoulder. “Trivia? Really?” Castiel’s tone was clearly disapproving. “We’re supposed to be working, not accumulating pointless shit that no one is going to reference but you.”

Dean struggled to refrain the insult that was burning on his tongue—mainly because the men in the holding cells were now interested in the two officers’ squabble.

“It’s sixteen, by the way,” Dean looked up at Castiel, a smug smile playing on his lips. He closed the web page and leaned back in his chair. “Just so you know, this might be helpful; you may finally beat Gabe at ‘Trivial Pursuit’ if you paid attention to my ‘pointless shit’.”

He looked back up at Castiel, batting his eyelashes with a cheeky smile. Castiel slapped Dean’s arm, with a little too much force, causing Dean to wince. Luckily, their only witnesses were the men in the cells, and they were more concerned with how entertaining the seen was with the two quarreling officers.

“Come on; just a few more,” Dean whined, continuing to look up at Cas, who in returned frowned and shook his head. “They’re fun, Cas. Come on.” He straightened up and opened the web page again. He scrolled down the page, trying to find one that might interest his purist of a husband.  “You know,” he continued without looking away from the screen, “If you continue to scowl like that, you’re just going to end up with frown lines at twenty-eight; not very flattering.”

Castiel gritted his teeth, keeping the insult he was itching to say to himself. Instead, he took a deep, calming breath and relaxed his face. He needed to get along with Dean. It wasn’t like when they were patrolling together, where they could bitch at each other as much as they wanted—they were in the precinct, where any of their co-workers could walk in.

“What site are you on, anyway?” Castiel leaned forward again, almost letting his chin rest on Dean’s shoulder.

“Just some trivia site. It has a bunch of shit on it. Mainly pop culture, so I doubt you’ll get any of them,” he joked, though Castiel knew he was taking a jab at him for his lack of knowledge on popular movies and music. However, he knew more than when he first met Dean. Being married to a man who used movie and song references in his everyday vocabulary was helpful to some extent.

“I’m not incompetent, Dean,” Cas deadpanned. Dean’s little jeers were tiresome, but they weren’t anything new. He had learned to let them roll off of him. “Being marri-“

Dean stiffened when he realized what Cas was about to say. Before Cas finished the word, the lanky college boy, who was twenty-two, but looked sixteen, cleared his throat, pulling Cas and Dean back to awareness of their surroundings.

Castiel hadn’t realized how close to Dean he had gotten. He was practically leaning against his husband, able to smell the spice of his cologne. Dean seemed to realize this too, as their eyes met when Dean sat up.

A noise of protest came from the holding cell and Castiel straightened up and cleared his throat. Dean blinked a couple of times before turning towards the cell.

“What?” he demanded and watched as the kid stood up in front of the bars.

“How long are we going to be in here?” the guy moaned, throwing his head back theatrically. “We’ve been in here for hours.”

“You still need to post bail,” Castiel answered this time, and took a seat back in his chair.

“When will that be?” the man moaned again, earning an annoyed growl from the other man in the next cell.

“It will take however long it takes for your brother to get here. Now, please sit down.” The man glared at Cas and started to pace the length of the cell. “But he’s in Boston today,” the kid whined and stomped his foot petulantly.

“Sucks to be you then,” Dean chuckled and went back to reading his trivia questions.

“You know you really shouldn’t-” Castiel was interrupted by Dean’s cell phone going off.

“Shit,” he cursed and reached into his pocket. He had no clue who would be calling him at work. Everyone he knew who had his schedule knew not to call.

“Really, Dean? You left your phone on?” Castiel watched as Dean finally got his phone out only to ignore the call.

“Thought I turned it to silent.”  He shrugged and placed his phone on the desk.

“Who was it anyway?” Castiel asked, mildly interested as to who would be calling Dean’s personal number while he was at work. If it was someone important he would have answered it.

“No one,” Dean muttered, hoping that Castiel would push for more information. It was one thing he had loved and hated about his husband, the way he could read people so easily. Dean’s phone started ringing again, and Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“No one? Are you sure? Who the hell would be calling you at work?” Castiel reached out to grab the phone, but Dean beat him to it.

Dean smirked tauntingly at Cas, while the other man just narrowed his eyes. “Nosey, huh?” Dean teased.

Castiel shrugged and watched Dean carefully. His husband, though it was barely noticeable, looked guilty. He kept glancing down at his phone while trying to make an effort to do his job.

“It’s just Sam,” he sighed in defeat and changed the volume of his phone just as a third call came through.

Castiel’s face softened and concern filled his eyes. “Have you talked to him?” he wondered; he hadn’t spoken to his brother-in-law since that bizarre phone call last week. He had asked Dean about it a couple of days ago, but like everything else, his husband's answer was vague.

“Yep,” Dean answered curtly, as he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

“And?” Castiel pressed, wanting more than a one syllable answer. “How is he?”

“Fine,” he said in a similar fashion to his previous answer—abrupt and distant.

“Anything else?” Castiel knew Dean was probably getting pissed—if the long, exasperated breath he let out was anything to go by. But he hadn’t heard from Sam and he was concerned.

“Nope,” he popped the ‘p’ and turned his attention back to his computer.

 _Fine_ , Cas thought, if Dean could be difficult then so could he. Castiel turned his chair so he was faced directly at Dean. He could see his husband peer at him from the corner of his eye, but quickly averted his gaze.

“That’s it, really? Come on, Dean, you’re brother called sounding like he was on the verge of a panic attack, and all you’ve got to say about him is ‘fine’?”

“For fu-“ Dean started to growl, but stopped when he caught sight of the three men staring curiously at them. “Do you really have to be so stubborn? What the hell do you think ‘fine’ means? He’s fine; just drop it.” Dean sent Cas an icy stare.

A few years ago, Dean’s threats may have caused Cas to back off, but not now. Now, he would just bite back.

“I have to be stubborn to when you refuse to tell me anything.” He kept his voice surprisingly calm—probably using the self-control he’d built up over the years of being with Dean. It was something he had to do or he’d be punching everything in sight every time Dean refused to be open with him. “I care for Sam. I just want to make sure it’s no-“

“Jesus, fuck. They broke up,” Dean snapped, slamming his hand against the desk. “Sam and Jess broke up. She came over that day and they broke up. Happy?”

Dean knew he was being unfair; he knew Castiel cared for Sam as if he was his own brother. He should have told Cas the day he called Sam back after their cancelled dinner, but Cas had gone to Gabriel’s and when he’d returned it was time for their shift and he wasn’t in the mood to broach the subject.

Cas’ startled expression over Dean’s outburst quickly morphed into sadness. Dean groaned and pressed the palm of his hand to his forehead. He slowly dragged his hand over his face and rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t breaking any promises by telling Cas this. Sam couldn’t care less if anyone knew, Dean just didn’t want to explain it at work—in the booking room with three delinquents watching them.

“How is he taking it?” Castiel asked softly, feeling a little guilty for pushing him, he could tell he was stressed over it.

“He’s doing okay. Honestly.” Dean’s eyes were sincere, but he knew the Winchesters long enough to know that “okay” was not “okay” by anyone’s standards.

“We talked for a couple of hours; he didn’t want me to come over. I don’t think he fully realizes what’s happened. He’s kind of just thrown himself into studying,” he replied truthfully. Now that Cas knew, there was really no reason in hiding the truth.

Castiel just felt concern for Sam. Jess and Sam had been together since the year before Sam started law school. It was probably devastating for him.

“Was it…sudden?” Castiel felt a little insensitive asking the question, but he wanted to know. By Dean’s description of Sam, it sounded like everything had happened abruptly.

“Apparently they were having problems for a while, or so Sam said. I don’t know. I think he’s a little detached at the moment. I don’t know what really happened, but next family dinner, I wouldn’t bring it up.” The last part served as a warning, which Cas noted.

“When are we-?"

“Kiss my ass, you bitch,” a woman screamed, cutting the officer off, and causing both officers to jump up. “I swear when we get out of here I am going to shove my shoe up-"

“Okay,” Charlie raised her voice as she came into view, leading a very angry, handcuffed woman. Her blonde hair was falling out of its clip, and her grey hoodie was falling off her shoulders. “If you make good on that promise, I have no problem arresting you again.” Charlie struggled to get the woman over to the desk as the woman began to drag her feet, trying to get back to the door, where Dorothy Baum walked in, leading a brunette woman in a similar state.

“Yo, Winchester, I need a bin.” The last word was said in a grunt since the blonde woman began to struggle against Charlie again.

Both Dean and Cas stared at the situation, slightly alarmed and confused. Cas handed Charlie the bin, not taking his eyes off the other woman, who was struggling just as much as her friend.

"This is Jenna Skye. Found her and her friend going at it," Charlie cocked her head to the side, in the direction of Dorothy and the other woman. "Arrested them on assault and drug possession." She waved a little baggie of marijuana. "Her friend is Tracy Barr. Both claim the other started the fight. Both are refusing to talk. Enjoy." Charlie handed Jenna to Castiel who took her to get fingerprinted and photographed, while Dean began to process Tracy.

Once Castiel had returned, Dean moved to lead Tracy to the other room. Between the pass off of Tracy from Dean to Castiel and Dean seating Jenna on a bench, both women ended up taking a run at each other.

"I told you he didn't want you. Now look where you got us," Jenna cried, kicking Tracy's feet out from under her, causing Tracy to land on the ground hard. "You said just one time, and now what, huh?" Jenna got a couple more kicks in before Charlie and Dean pulled Jenna off and away from the other woman, while Dorothy pulled Tracy up.

They received a couple of catcalls and derogatory remarks from the men in the cell.

"I'll fuck you up, bitch. As soon as we are out, we are done," Tracy yelled and tried to take another run at Jenna. Dorothy struggled with her grip on the woman.

"Damn, this is like girls go-" one of the frat boys began to cheer, stepping up to the bars.

"Hey! Shut up," Dean snapped, glaring at the man. The last thing they needed was some asshole encouraging the fight.

The two women continued yelling; Dorothy trying in vain to get her voice heard.

"Hey!" Dean yelled, cutting through the two women's arguing, "Enough! Officer Bradbury," his voice quieted, "Please take Ms. Skye to interview."

"Tessa said she can get someone to talk to both of them now," Cas piped up from the desk, phone cradled between his ear and shoulder.

"Just take Ms. Skye for now. Ms. Barr still needs to be processed," Dean instructed.

"You know I'm not the one to be doing this," Charlie sing-songed as she led Jenna to the door.

"Just do me this favour; I'm a little busy," Dean held up the clipboard with the paperwork he was working on for Tracy. "Officer Novak, take Ms. Barr and finish processing her." Castiel nodded and led the woman into the other room.

Dorothy smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "A little too much excitement, Dean?" she teased. "It's a full moon; got to expect a little crazy."

"Not my idea of fun," Dean mumbled.

"Well, at least you're only getting the tail end of it. Trust me; it's a lot more fun out there. I'll reckon it'll get a lot more exciting for you later on." She winked at Dean, getting the man to smirk and let out a small chuckle.

Dorothy was average height, slim built and brunette. Dean had talked to her a few times, mainly outside of work at the bars. She was good friends with Charlie, having graduated from the academy together. She was cute and spunky, a lot like Charlie, though Dean hadn’t actually worked with her personally.

“Well, I got to go,” Dorothy nodded when Charlie returned. “We still have six hours left, oh God.” She groaned as she looked at her watch.

“See ya,” Dean gave a little wave as the two other officers walked out of the room. A few minutes later Castiel returned, minus Tracy.

“Tessa took her,” he explained, knowing what Dean was thinking. “She also said Rogers is almost done with Jenna, so she’ll be placed in a cell soon.”

“Let’s just hope those two have calmed down enough,” he said, walking around the desk to his chair, “I’d prefer not to have to wrestle them apart again. I think she scratched me.” He examined his arm, rubbing over where a long red mark was.

“Really, a scratch? Dean, you’re received worse,” Cas teased. It was always interesting how Dean decided what to make a big deal of and what to ignore—usually he focused on the wrong thing.

“Shut it, hon,” Dean retorted and gave a half smirk when he saw Castiel’s eyebrows raise when he realized what Dean had just called him.

“Wha-" Dean raised his eyebrows and turned around to look into the hall. “No one’s around. Do you really think I would be that reckless?”

“Look, it’s miraculous that we’ve been able to keep this charade up for as long as we have. I would prefer to not let it all be in vain for some petty insult.” Castiel knew Dean would never intentionally blow their secret—he wanted to keep it hidden just as much as he. However, Dean was reckless at times; if either of them were to let their secret slip, it would be Dean.

When they agreed to keep their marriage a secret that even included acting like they were in a relationship. No dating. No flirting. Only professionalism. It was becoming taxing, especially now when all either of them wanted was to wring each other's necks. But they had fought too long to give it up now.

“Oh, come on,” Dean huffed and threw his head back, “It was one comment. Drop it.”

“You’re the one who wanted to continue to hid-“ Castiel argued, but again, Dean cut him off.

“They’re going to find out if you continue to talk. Just shut up.” Dean knew he was out of line with that comment, but he wouldn’t apologize; they didn’t apologize.

Castiel inhaled deeply and glared at him hotly for a brief second. “I’m going on my break,” he muttered and pushed out of his chair.

“What? No,” Dean turned to face Cas. He was supposed to meet Anna for lunch, he didn’t want Cas to take his spot.

“Calm down, Dean. I’m going on my break; you can still have your ‘lunch date’ with Anna.” Castiel didn’t wait for Dean’s reply and strolled out of the room, aware of Dean’s gaze following him.

Once Cas had left the room Dean turned back around, facing his computer. “Fuck,” he mumbled, throwing his pen on the desk and rubbed his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. They were getting along and then he just had to push it with that stupid remark. “What the hell is wrong with me?” It was odd, he felt really bad for his comment, and yet they both had said things worse than just “shut up”.

*****

“I swear: I am going to kill him,” Anna seethed when she entered the break room and stopped next to Castiel at the counter.

“I really hope you don’t mean that. Especially since we are in a police station,” Castiel remarked, looking down as his coffee swirled around the cup.

“I don’t care. I cannot spend another five hours sitting with that kid, let alone one. I am about one-step from tasering his ass. Ugh.” The female officer tossed the chip bags she was clutching in her hands, which Castiel figured were horribly broken now. She yanked open a cupboard door and grabbed two packets of sugar.

“It’s actually five and a half,” Castiel corrected, glancing at Anna. He grabbed a lid from the stack next to the coffee machine and placed it on his cup.

“Not helping,” she moaned and grabbed the coffee pot, pouring her own cup. “Seriously, all he does is talk. I don’t think I’ve had a moment of quiet besides the time he went to the washroom.”

Anna was clenching her hands and taking deep, shaky breaths. Castiel didn’t doubt she may taser Frankel if given the chance.

“For the last hour, it’s been about the World Cup. Who the fuck cares about soccer, or football, or whatever the fuck people call it. I mean, I do, but not enough to talk about it for an hour straight. How does he not run out of things to say?” Her eyes were wide and her knuckles were turning white as she pushed her nails into the palms of her hands.

“Come on, he can’t be that bad,” Cas reasoned as he tried to calm the flustered woman. He’d only dealt with Gary once, and luckily it was only for a couple of hours, but Anna was right…sort of.

Anna snickered and rolled her eyes. “You sound just like Dean,” she noted, glancing at him sideways.

“Uh,” Cas sputtered dumbly, not entirely sure how to respond to that.

“It’s weird; stop it. I think you’re spending too much time with him.” Anna chuckled again when she saw the practically horrified look on Castiel’s face.

Were they really becoming that couple? After eight—almost nine years of marriage, were they really becoming each other?

“Relax, Cas, I’m just messing with you."  She patted Cas on the forearm. She picked up her coffee and took a sip before speaking again. “So, how is it going with Dean? Is he being an ass like you always claim he is?” Even though Anna was supposed to be complaining to Dean, she couldn’t help but extend the support to Castiel.

“He’s been…” Castiel paused for a moment, trying to find the right words for Dean, “off and on. We were getting along earlier, but then we were in the middle of booking two women and they ended up fighting each other.” Anna nodded, encouraging Cas to continue. “After we got them separated, Dean became moody and—anyway, now he’s pissed at me or something. I don’t know; I left before he could lash out at me.”

“I still say I win,” Anna teased and walked over to a table, taking a seat in a chair facing the door and windows, watching a couple of officers walk by. “You’ll still be sane after working with Dean. You’ve done it before.”

The ironic thing about Dean and Cas’ co-workers were, they always saw Dean as the aggressor, the one always starting the arguments. But Castiel was just as guilty, he just made sure they were alone before he tore into Dean.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Cas changed the subject.  He took his coffee and sat in the chair on Anna’s left.  “Next time, if you are partnered with Gary, I’ll switch with you.”

The noise of delight Anna let out was almost childlike and not something that would come from the twenty-eight-year-old woman—it was amusing.

“Really? You’re not joking?” Her face turned stern in a matter of seconds. “You’re not setting me up?” She pointed a warning finger at Cas.

Even though Anna’s voice was threatening, it didn’t bother Cas. There was no promise in her threat.

“I promise,” Castiel reassured and took a swig of his coffee; his body was relaxed in his chair. “Though, I doubt you’ll actually be partnered with Gary again anytime soon.”

Anna hummed and ran her finger around the rim of her cup. “I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully, taking a quick glance at the hall before continuing. “Crowley’s a sadistic bastard. He relishes in everyone’s misery. If he knows you hate it, he’ll make sure it’s unavoidable. He’s relentless. Just look at you and Dean.”

“Touché,” Castiel conceded; she had a valid point.

“This day is going to go by slowly—I just know it. Chips?” She offered a bag to Cas, but he just shook his head.

“I’m good.” He held up his coffee, but Anna ignored the gesture and tossed the bag to him.

“You’re not living off coffee for the day,” she berated lightly. “You need to have something to eat.”

“And chips suffice?” Castiel teased but took the bag. Anna shrugged and bit into a chip from her other bag. “Didn’t have time to make anything,” she explained, “And if I’m dealing with Frankel, I need comfort food, not food I’m supposed to eat.”

“Just to let you know, I’m taking my lunch later; I’ll eat then.” Castiel checked his watch; they still had five minutes left before their break ended.

“Mm-hmm,” Anna smirked and crossed her arms over her chest challengingly. “And where is your lunch?"

Castiel shrugged nonchalantly and sipped his coffee again. “Forgot it. It’s not a big deal, Anna,” he argued when he saw the woman’s head tilt. “I’ve survived longer hours on just coffee.”

“We both know; more times than not you don’t take your lunch break. Just take the damn chips, Novak.” She pushed the bag until it brushed against Castiel’s arm.

Castiel sighed and grabbed the bag, mainly to please Anna. She was right though, he usually got too caught up in his work and forgot to take his lunch break or couldn’t if the day was too busy.

“Well, I guess I should head back,” he announced once he finished his coffee. According to the clock hanging next to the door, their break was about over.

Anna grumbled a “Fine” and pushed out her chair. “Hopefully he’ll go on his lunch soon and I’ll get some quiet. Anyway.” Anna tossed her coffee cup in the trash and grabbed her bag of chips from the table, “See ya.” She waved to Castiel and as she exited the room.

Cas went to the coffee machine again and poured himself another cup and a second cup.

When he got back, Dean was spinning in his chair, looking bored. He noticed Cas’ return and let his eyes follow Castiel as he walked back behind the desk.

“Here,” Castiel handed Dean the other cup of coffee. “I know you won’t go on lunch until later.” Both Dean and Cas had a terrible habit of working straight through their whole shift without stopping. “You need to have something.” He also tossed the chip bag onto the desk and took his seat.

Dean thanked Cas and took a sip of the coffee. He seemed to be in a better mood now, Castiel observed. On more than one occasion, Dean would greet him with a sarcastic remark when he returned after leaving for some time, but not today.

“You missed it,” Dean spoke up after a few minutes. “Victor brought in some douchebag who was streaking up and down Clinton; lost a bet to a friend of something.” He chuckled as he remembered the scene that had played out for him. “Jerry’s got the unfortunate honour of interviewing him. But hey, easy for us—he didn’t have any possessions to hand over.”

“Real mature Dean,” Castiel rolled his eyes. “Did anything… Less exciting happen?”

“Yeah, couple of college girls for shoplifting. Amelia is taking care of them. But I think it was all a misunderstanding—they’ll probably be kicked free.” Dean grabbed the bag of chips and held them up, “Are you having these?”

“No,” was all Dean heard before he opened the bag. “These are all broken,” he complained, pulling out a half-broken chip, but popped it into his mouth.

*****

The rest of the day was typical. They had a few more people come in, mainly for petty crimes, but there were certainly some interesting and colourful people out there.

Castiel was the victim of a few crude jokes from an intoxicated male, which resulting in Dean stifling a laugh, and Cas giving him a _very_ subtle kick to the shin.

By the time five o’clock came, both Dean and Castiel were ready to go home. The shift, overall, had gone surprisingly well. It was probably the most civil they’d been with each other in weeks.

Dean was actually in such a good mood, he took Victor up on his invite to get drinks. Castiel still declined. Dean and he had a decent shift—they were both in good moods and he didn’t want to jeopardize that by “tagging along”.

He figured he’d just head home, probably call Gabriel or something. His brother had been bugging him lately that they hadn’t talked in a while. Though, Gabe’s definition of “a while” was a week. Either way, they were both going to have a few hours away from each other and they were going to enjoy it.

 


	4. Chapter Four

“Where the hell are you going?” Castiel asked, looking up from his book and furrowing his brow in confusion.  

“Out,” Dean responded and walked over to the coffee table to grab his wallet from where he’d left it the night before.    

“I can see that,” Castiel said flatly.  Dean had just walked out of their bedroom fully dressed in jeans, a black t-shirt and a marine blue button-up shirt that he’d left open.  “Where to?”

“Bobby's,” was his short reply before he grabbed his keys from the dish on the sideboard.  

“Are you going to work at the garage?” Cas asked curiously.  They both had the day off, so it wasn't uncommon that Dean would go over to Bobby’s and help out at his garage.    

“Nope,” he popped the 'p' and gave Cas a cheeky smirk, which he knew irritated his husband.  “Barbecue.  Bobby's been on my ass about getting together since we’re working the next three weekends.  Plus he's convinced Sam to come out.   “   

“Sam's going to be there?” Cas' interest was piqued now.  He hadn’t seen the younger Winchester since his law school graduation.  Dean either went up to visit Sam or talked to him on the phone.  Cas enjoyed visiting Sam—he was much more tolerable, but Dean was usually opposed to him going with him during their visits.    

“Yep and so are Ellen and Jo.  Are you coming or not? Because if you are we need to leave now.   “Dean checked his watched and groaned.  Damn, he was going to be late if he didn’t leave now.    

Castiel scoffed in disbelief.  “Do you really want me there?”  He arched an eyebrow and studied Dean’s posture, trying to see if his husband was duping.    

Dean shrugged.  “I don’t really care if you come or not.  I just really need to go now, so if you’re coming, _great_ , let’s go.  If you’re not-” he raised his hands as if say 'whatever'  “-Do whatever you want.   “ 

“You really don’t mind if I come?” Castiel repeated, knowing the repetition may piss Dean off since it wasn’t an answer, but he was just slightly stunned.  

“Isn’t that what I just said?” He rolled his eyes and fished his phone out of his pocket.  He had a missed text from Sam, which said exactly what he assumed it would say: _Make sure Cas is there_.    

Dean glared down at his phone.  It was like Sam didn’t trust him to bring his husband.  He never uninvited Cas on purpose, just, sometimes they were fighting and were not in the mood to play “happy couple” in front of their family.  Sometimes it was Cas who didn’t want to go.  They never let anyone know the real reason; they always had thought out excuses.    

“Look,” he sighed, “We need to leave now or we’ll be late.  I’m goin-”

“I’m coming,” Cas cut in and a got up from the couch.  He placed his bookmark into his book and closed it, dropping it onto the coffee table.    

“Ten minutes, Cas,” Dean warned when his husband walked out of the room to get changed.    

While Cas was in out of the room Dean sent a reply to Sam, tell him to screw off.  But quickly sent another one saying that Cas was coming, mainly to keep Sam pacified.    

A minute later Dean’s phone buzzed again with another text.  “You’re going to be late,” the text read and Dean rolled his eyes.    Instead of responding, he slipped his phone back into his pocket.    

Cas came out of their room six minutes later dressed in a grey t-shirt and jeans.  Dean had picked up Castiel’s shoes and shoved them in his husband’s direction.    

“Come on,” Dean groaned when Cas grabbed the shoes and placed them on the ground in front of him.    “We should have been on the road already.”

Castiel glanced up at Dean from his hunched position as he finished slipping on his right shoe.  Dean looked irritated, but more so about the time, since he checked his watch twice while Cas finished putting on his shoes.  

“Dean, it’s not even twelve.  Calm down.”  Cas straightened up once he had his shoes on and grabbed his phone from the sideboard before following a grumbling Dean out to the hall and down to the Impala.    

“Yeah, and Bobby wants us there for twelve.  We have fifteen minutes to make a forty-five minute drive.”  Dean folded his arms across his chest and glared at the metal doors of the elevator as the spouses rode down to the garage.    

“You just know I’m the one who’s going to get the blame,” he spoke again once they stepped onto the concrete floor.  “Apparently living in a traffic filled city isn’t enough of an excuse.”   

Cas glanced out of the corner of his eye and chuckled.  “Sam just likes teasing you because you’re his older brother.  Besides-” Castiel looked over the top of the Impala.    

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Dean cut Cas off.  He stared at the dark-haired man with a serious face.  “Do you really feel up to it.”  He corrected, letting Castiel know he wasn’t referring to Cas’ tagging along.    

“We’ve made it this far without fighting,” Cas offered a bored smirk and shrugged his shoulders.  “I think we can put on the act for a few more hours.”  The man pulled the passenger door open and slid into the car.    

Dean clicked his tongue and sighed.  “Just making sure,” he mumbled to himself and slid in behind the wheel.    

*****

The first ten minutes was spent in silence.  Castiel stayed on his side of the car, looking out of the window, and let the low bass of AC/DC fill the car.  Dean sat with a relaxed, one hand loosely gripping the steering wheel and focused on the road.    

Cas chanced a glance at Dean.  The older man felt so far away, sitting on opposite ends of the seat.  He remembered when Dean and he were dating, how he would sit in the middle, right next to Dean.  It was only when they first met that Castiel had sat on the far side, but that had quickly changed.  And now it had come full circle.    

They had just pulled onto the I-495 when Castiel decided to break the silence.  “It’s a nice day.  Very sunny.  

Dean snorted.  “Really, Cas? Weather?” He glanced over at his husband, who just shrugged.  “After being with each other for so long, I would assume you could come up with a more compelling topic of conversation.  He quirked an eyebrow and gave a crocked smile.    

“Eh.”  Castiel shrugged again and grinned in amusement at Dean.    “It got you talking.   “   

Dean’s smirk dropped slowly and he sighed.    “Damn it,” he mumbled.    Cas had used to, and now again, broken their silence with some random comment.    It had always been something so stupid, but it had gotten them to laugh and fall into meaningless chatter.    

“You’ve got admit though, it is a very good day for a barbecue.”   

Dean hummed in agreement.    “Jo will be pleased.    Save us from having to move it inside.  Remember last time?”

The last gathering they had ended in a downpour, resulting in everyone relocating to the inside of the Harvelle household.  Bobby was supposed to be the one to cook the burgers, but since they had moved inside, Jo refused to cook the burgers on the stove, mainly because it meant she had to help.  Instead, they had ordered pizza, which Ellen made Jo go out to collect.    

Cas laughed softly at the memory of Jo yelling at Dean when he teasingly demanded her to go get him another beer.  Jo had known it was a joke, but not before she gave Dean an earful of ‘get off your lazy ass’ and the something about not being his maid.    

“How’s Sam doing?” He asked, redirecting the conversation.  “Has he relaxed yet with the studying?”

“Nope, still a nervous wreck.  Tried talking to him last night but he wouldn’t pick up.”  Dean may have been exaggerating about his brother’s behaviour; Sam was freaking out, but not so much that he wasn’t functioning properly.  “He’ll be calmer today.  He won’t bring school work with him, mainly because he annoyed Jo some much last time.  I did warn her not bring it up around him, but I think she thought I was joking.   “   

“He’s going to pass,” Cas said determinedly.  “There’s no doubt about that.”   

“You’re basically repeating what I’m telling him each day,” Dean exclaimed and shook his head.  “The little bitch just refuses to listen.”

“Oh-” his tone becoming more serious, “-Don’t bring it up around him.  Please.  I don’t want this to become some family intervention.”

“Do you really think I would do that?” Castiel’s voice held an undertone of annoyance.  This was the third time Dean had warned him of this in the past couple of months.  It was slightly insulting.  “I saw what he was like when he was getting ready for graduation.  And why would I bring up something you just said Sam’s not even going to talk about?”  Dean didn’t respond and the two fell into silence again.    

“Also don’t ask about Jess,” Dean spoke up, grabbing Castiel’s attention.  They were pulling off the I-495 east, about 15 minutes away from Bobby’s.  “I have no clue how he’s dealing with the break-up, but I’d rather not open up that can of worms.” 

“Dean,” Castiel’s tone was critical, “Do you really think I’d be that insensitive? I don’t pry.  I mean, I don’t hide things like you do.    The way you and Sam can keep things locked up, I’ll never understand.”  His eyes widened and he tilted his head a little, his look emphasizing his words.  “But I wouldn’t stick my nose in a situation that is not my business.   “   

“I'm just warning you.”  Dean's tone was a little softer; he only had Sam’s best interests in mind.  He just wanted to make sure Cas did too.  “We may not share our shit with you—like you and your family with your family therapy sessions.”  Castiel rolled his eyes at the petulant jab Dean took at his family.  He didn't know why, but Dean always seemed to have something against them.  “But,” Dean continued, not noticing the change in his husband's relaxed expression to one of boredom, “That doesn’t mean we like it being brought up.”   

“I won't, Dean.  I wouldn't do that to Sam.  To you, I might,” Castiel muttered the last part under his breath, too low for Dean to hear.  

*****

They drove for about ten more minutes before Dean pulled up to Bobby's house.  His green Chevelle was parked in the driveway with a red Mustang parked behind.   On the side of the road, Sam's black Dodge Charger was parked.    

“Damn it,” Dean swore and pulled up behind Sam's car.  “Everyone's already here.”   He shifted into ‘park’, using a little too much force.    

“Dean, it’s only half after twelve.  I highly doubt Bobby will care.”  Castiel made a move to grab Dean's hand, but thought better of it and pulled back.    

“It's not Bobby; it's Sam.  He texted me to tell me we better be on time.  Now he’s going to be all smug when he sees us enter.”  Dean took a deep breath and ran his hand along his forehead.  “All right,” Dean said, his tone more serious now, “Remember, no bitching at each other.  We save it until the ride.    We don't need to give them anything to talk about.”

Castiel made a bored face and refrained from rolling his eyes.  He felt like a child being scolded by his parents.    Instead of making some retort, he unbuckled his seat belt and leaned over the middle seat, bringing himself closer to Dean.    

“Don't worry, baby,” he reassured with a taunting smirk, cutting Dean off.  He slid over and captured Dean's lips in a heated kiss.    

Dean stiffened for a moment before eagerly responding, just as Castiel pulled back.  “I know how to act.”  The man gave his husband a flirty wink and pushed open his door to climb out.  

Dean quickly composed himself and opened his door, clambering out of the car much like Cas did.  He walked around the impala and to the sidewalk where Castiel was standing, waiting.    

They didn't hold hands or wrap their arms around each other, but they did stay close together as they walked to the back of the house, where voices could be heard chattering.    

“Well, look who finally made it,” a smug voice announced as the couple walked into the backyard.  Lo was coming out of the back door, carrying a case of beer.  “Got to admit, we were starting to get worried about you two.”  She gave Cas and Dean a smug smile, matching the tone of her words, along with a teasing wink.  “But then again, I might've finally been able to enjoy myself.”  

“Oh, come on, Harvelle,” Dean protested with a joking tone, “You know you'd die without me.  I'm the entertainment.”

Jo rolled her eyes and followed Dean and Cas over to where Ellen and Sam were talking by a table of snacks.  “You think too highly of yourself, Winchester.  No one should be that conceited.”

“Aww, come on,” Dean cooed, “you know yo-”

“About time you got here,” Sam greeted when he noticed his brother and Cas coming towards them.  “I have a longer drive and yet I still beat you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Dean brushed past Sam and grabbed a beer from the cooler.  He used his ring on his right hand—the only ring he wore—to open the cap.  “Don’t be so proud about it.  It’s not like we’re eating yet.   “   Dean glanced around the yard seeing that the only food were chips and a few other snacks.  

“No, but at least I’m not the last one here.”   Sam smiled proudly.  “And it’s great to see Cas here.”  He turned and faced where Cas was standing on the deck, talking to Jo and Ellen.    

“Well-” Dean raised his hands as if he was presenting something.  “It’s not like I was going to leave him behind.  He didn’t have anything planned anyway.”   

Sam arched an eyebrow and snorted.  Even though Cas and Dean never acknowledged the state of their marriage, he wasn’t stupid.  He may not be able to read people like his brother and brother-in-law, but Dean was his brother.  He could read him better than anyone could.    And he knew what the couple presented wasn’t the truth.  No one else; Ellen, Jo, Bobby or even Cas’ family knew the true extent.    If any of them knew something, they never shared it

“Yeah.”  He nodded and smiled.  “Well, it’s good to see him.”  Sam had always like Cas; he always thought the man was the best thing that ever happened to his brother, but Dean couldn’t seem to see that anymore.    

Dean didn't say anything for a moment.  Just continued to glance from Cas to his brother, trying to figure out if there were some ulterior motives behind this conversation.    

“You know,” Sam spoke up, sounding almost distant as he watched Cas, he turned back to face Dean.    His face was almost unreadable.  “You’re lucky you still have Cas.  You still have someone to talk to.”  

“Ugh, come on, Sammy,” Dean groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Look, if you’re about to ridicule m-”

“No, shut up,” he snapped, a little more aggressively than he had meant.  He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm himself.  

Dean stared wide-eyed at his brother, shocked by the sudden outburst.  He wasn’t sure how this conversation escalated or even if it did.  He had even made a complaint about Cas.    

“Sorry,” Sam mumbled and sighed heavily.  “Look, it’s just you always seem like you’d rather be anywhere than with Cas.  Jo, Bobby, and Ellen may not see it but I do.  I am tired of having to watch you and your _husband_ put on the act that you do.  Just stop.  You still have someone Dean.   Me, well you know what happened.   I fucking graduated law school, probably the greatest accomplishment of my life, and I lose the woman I was most excited to share it with.”  Sam frowned and looked down at the grass.  

Dean remained silent.  He was a little baffled.   He didn’t think they were that obvious, but he also didn’t think Sam paid that much attention to his love life or lack thereof.  His normally quiet brother usually kept his opinion about Cas and him to himself.  It was more like Sam had final reached the end of his tether and just needed to vent.  Even though Sam’s break up with Jess was amicable, Dean wasn’t expecting his brother to just bounce back.  Sam let out a heavy breath and pushed his hand throw his hair, the strands easily falling back into place.  “Look,” Dean began, “I didn’t know yo-”

“So how's work?” Sam asked, cutting Dean off.  He didn’t want to go into any more detail about his break-up.  He’d already said too much and now he was regretting it.  It kind of startled Dean how calm and level his brother’s voice quickly be me, when he had sounded like he had been about to cry only seconds ago.  

“The same since I last talked to you, three days ago.  You know, when you actually answered my call.”  Dean took a sip of his beer and glanced at Sam, who nodded.  Thankfully Dean had taken the hint and went along with the new conversation

“Jeez, Dean.  I am about to write the test that will determine my career.  You could be a little more empathetic and not bitch just because I didn’t answer your call.”  

The older Winchester made an annoyed noise in the back of his throat just scoffed and took another pull from his drink.  Maybe he was being unfair to Sam.  He was constantly on his brother’s case about taking a day of two off from studying, and maybe he should back off.    

“I thought you were against talking about school.”  Dean smirked when Sam growled and narrowed his eyes.    

“You’re a jerk.  You know that, right?” Dean chuckled and patted Sam on the shoulder.    

“You remind me all the time, bitch.”  Sam muttered something under his breath that sounded like ‘typical’, but he didn’t seem pissed anymore; they were back to their usual antics.  

Jo and Castiel laughed at something Ellen had said, but both brothers kept to themselves.  

“I guess I should go say ‘hi’ to Bobby.”  Dean glanced around the large yard for the crusty, bearded man, probably brooding over the fact that it was his turn to cook.  “Where is he?” Dean looked back at Sam after noticing the man who helped raise them was nowhere to be seen.    

Sam looked up from his feet and checked around the yard like Dean had.  “He was here—he’s probably in the kitchen,” Sam suggested and walked to sliding glass door.    

“You gonna bring Cas?” Sam stopped in the doorway, blocking Dean’s way.  Both brothers turned to look at the other man, but he was still talking with Ellen and Jo, his back turned to them.    

“Nah, he can do it later,” Dean decided and pushed his brother through the door so he could enter the house.    

The door led them to the open kitchen and dining room, where Bobby was grumbling to himself and placing freshly stacked burger patties into the fridge.  The kitchen was a decent size, but looked too big for Bobby if Dean was being honest.  In fact, the whole house was too big for the man.  Why he bought it fifteen years ago, he would never know.  The sophisticated style didn’t even suit the rough around the edges man.  Ellen had shared with them once that Bobby’s wife always wanted to live in a large family-home, but they couldn’t afford it once she got sick.  Sam and Dean figured this was a way to honour her memory.    

There was an oak round table with four matching chairs off on the left.  To the right was a long granite counter top with oak cupboards coming from the wall.  In the counter top along the wall adjacent to the first counter was the sink, with a large window above looking out onto the backyard and two cupboards on each side.  There was third counter that ran along the wall next to the sink, with four matching cupboards hanging against the wall.  The stove was place in the middle of the last counter, splitting it in half.  At the end of that counter was the larger stainless steel fridge.  

“Hey Bobby,” Sam stepped around the counter and over to the fridge.  “Need any help?” Dean followed closely and leaned against the sink, arms folded across his chest.    

Bobby moved back and stood up straight.  He glanced at Sam as he closed the door.  “Nope,” he snapped, “All done.”  He then turned and his eyes fell on Dean.    

“About time you got here, boy,” the man said boorishly.  He walked across the kitchen and picked up his beer on the counter.    

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Dean complained.  Sam let out a choked out laugh, and he shot him a less-than-impressed look.    

“Because,” the older man groused, “I said to be here by noon, not thirty minutes after.   “   Dean looked down at his watch and rolled his eyes.    Like a half hour would make a difference; Bobby wasn’t even

going to start the cooking the food until three.    

“And where is the other one? Sam said both of you were coming.”  Bobby took a sip of his beer and narrowed his eyes at Dean, as if he was suspecting the younger man of hiding something.  As if on cue, Castiel walked through the patio door.    

“Hello, Bobby.  How are you?” Castiel walked around the counter and stopped right next to Bobby.    

The older man nodded to greeted the dark-haired man.  “Good to see you.  Now that the food is all done, I’m going outside until Ellen busts my balls to get the burgers going.”  Bobby grunted and let the house, leaving the other three men standing in the kitchen.    

“I guess we should follow,” Sam suggested.  “You know Ellen is not going to single out Bobby.”   

Dean and Cas mumbled in agreement and followed Bobby back outside.  Dean had just stepped out of the door when someone called his name, or rather yelled.    

“Dean, get your ass over here,” Jo called from her spot besides the cooler.  “We haven’t caught up yet and your husband mentioned things I want details to.”  Jo gave Dean a cocky smile she held out her arms in an open embrace.  Dean glanced at Sam, who just shrugged and smirked before he walked off to talk to Bobby.  

“You’re talking to Cas, why do you need details from me?” Dean groaned before walking over to the woman, who standing next to Castiel again.  Just as he stopped, his was pulled in to a tight in brace.    

“Because I want to talk to both of you, dude.”  Jo glanced from Dean to Cas with a large giddy smile.    “So first, how have you been? I haven’t seen you two love-birds in a long time.”   

“It’s been less than a month, Jo,” Dean snorted, ignoring her last comments.  “You remember? I was graced with your charming presences at Sam’s graduation.” 

“A lot happens in a month, Winchester,” she offered.  “And while you’re off enjoying yourself in the big city I’m still stuck at home, busting my ass to find a job.”   

Jo had just graduated from Queen’s College for Business Administration.  And while she searched for work, she was back living with Ellen, bartending at her mom’s restaurant to pay off her student loans.    

“Sure, getting kicked and verbally abused on a daily bases is ‘living the dream’.”  Dean shuffled backwards, unaware that he was moving closer to Castiel until their shoulders bumped together.    Instead of pulling away, which was normally their initial reaction, both of them stayed still.    

Jo huffed and shook her head.  “Anyway,” she drawled, “Cas here just mentioned to me that you two are finally thinking about taking a vacation together.  And I want details.   “ 

Dean nearly choked on his beer and turned to Cas, glaring.  What the hell had the man told her?

“Punta Cana, wasn’t it?” Jo asked, looking to Cas for confirmation, who nodded.  “When is that going to be?”

“December,” Castiel answered without skipping a beat.  He ignored Dean’s glare and focused on Jo as he answered her question.    

“Well, I got to say; it’s about damn time you two take time off.  It’s been—It was your honeymoon, right? When you last got away.   “   

“Uh, yeah,” Dean stutters, trying to snap at Cas.   It wasn’t a lie, the trip to the Dominican, but what Cas had omitted was the fact that he wasn't the only one going.  Gabriel had bought the trip—a family trip and was practically dragging Castiel there.  Dean was supposed to go, but he was working on convincing Gabriel to let him out of the plans.  The last thing he wanted, beside the plane ride, was to take a vacation and spend more time than necessary with his husband.    

“Well, I’m glad.  This must be something special if you’re willing to get on a plane for nine hours.”  Dean made a noise of disagreement, but neither Cas nor Jo seemed to notice.  “You two don’t show enough affection with each other,” Jo continued and nudged Dean in the side.  “Hell, I think I kiss my own mom more than I’ve seen you two kiss.”  It was a dig—a very subtle dig, but an insult nevertheless.  

“I’m going to get another drink,” Cas excused himself and went back inside the house, despite the full cooler just a couple of steps from them.    

 _That bastard_ , Dean seethed in his head.  He was pissed.  Everyone was assuming he was going to Hawaii.    How would they explain why he didn’t go because he was sure as hell that he would not be taking that trip.    

“So,” She said, looking very giddy, “Are you excited-”

“Jo,” Ellen’s sharp voice cut in, calling from the barbecue.  “Come over here and help.   “   

“I’m taking to Dean; one minute,” she replied and Dean gave Jo a knowing smirk: she wasn’t getting out of helping.    

“Jo, I need your help now,” Ellen called back, ignoring her daughter’s excuse, which caused Jo to sigh and roll her yes.  

“Okay.”  She finally nodded to her mom and turned back to Cas and Dean.  “I’ll talk to you later,” Jo promised and Dean nodded, glancing over at Ellen, who was tearing open a package of hot dogs and laying them onto a plate.    

*****

“You told her?” Dean groaned, stalking up to Cas from behind, who had just popped a chip into his mouth.  

“I was just making conversation, Dean.  It just sort of slipped out and I forgot that you weren’t going until it was too late,” Castiel defended himself

“Yeah, well now we have to figure out an excuse why I’m not going.  You know damn well I am not stepping foot into a plane, nor will I spend a week with that goblin you call a brother.”  Dean wasn’t really pissed at Cas, surprisingly.  He didn’t know why, but he felt more annoyed than anything.    

“Must you always insult Gabriel?” Castiel asked, sounding bored as he picked up a chip and popped it into his mouth.  “Anyway, they all seem to think there isn’t anything interesting going in our relationship and that it’s about time something happened.  Which,” Castiel turned and glanced behind his shoulder where Jo and Sam were watching them, “you'd think that they would understand that is because we’ve been married for eight years.”  Dean cocked an eyebrow questioningly.  Castiel's choice of words was almost ironic.    

“Aww,” Jo cooed from her spot by the barbecues.  “You two are just so adorable.”  Jo winked teasingly while Sam snickered next to her.    

The couple rolled their eyes and stepped away from each other.  Jo chuckled when Dean glanced at Cas awkwardly, looking like he wanted to say something but decided not to.  He walked over to her, switching places with Sam, who made his way over to Cas.    

*****

“Hey, Cas.”  Sam placed his beer on the table and picked up a chip from the bowl Castiel was snacking from.  “How are you?”

“Hello Sam.  I’m doing well.  How are you?” Sam chuckled; Cas was still as formal as ever.  He found it slightly entertaining that his brother, who could be blunt and crass at times, found Cas, who was almost the complete opposite.  Though, he could see some of his brother had started to rub off on Cas.  But, he guessed it was the whole opposites attract.    

“I’m fine.”  Sam pursed his lips and picked up his bottle again.  He startled fiddling with the bottle, sliding his fingers up and down the length.    

Castiel noticed the younger Winchester’s motions.  Something was bothering Sam; his face was serious and staring down at the table.

“Sam? Is everything ok-”                 

“You shouldn’t have to put up with that,” Sam rushed out.  Cas slowly lifted his head and raised his eyebrow.  “Uh, I don’t really know what yo-” Playing dumb was probably not a good idea with Sam, especially since Dean always complained what a shitty actor he was.    

“Look,” Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  He turned his body to face Cas directly.  “I know Dean can be difficult, but you can always talk to me, if you need to.”

“Oh, Sam, I-” Cas began to protest.  He appreciated the offer, he really did, but it was an uncomfortable idea to complaining about his husband to Sam.  He didn’t want to younger Winchester to know exactly what their marriage was like.    

“I mean it, Cas,” he cut in.  “Dean may be my brother, and I love him, but he is also an ass.” 

Sam’s face was sincere and gentle.  He wanted Cas to come to him with any issues.  He didn’t want his brother-in-law to feel like he had to suffer with Dean because he didn’t want cause any issues if he talked about it.    

Castiel nodded and touched Sam’s forearm.  “Thank you Sam.  I really appreciate it.”  He didn’t know if he would actually take Sam up on his offer, the idea was still so strange, but it was worth accepting it just to see the smile spread across the younger man’s face.    

*****

Dean came over to Cas a few minutes after Sam had gone into the house.  He went right up to Cas, leaving less than an inch of space between them.    

“Jo is on about us showing affection again,” Dean grumbled and pulled the chip from Castiel’s hand, Damn, for a women being against Dean glanced back at him and the Cas.    

“And why is she doing that?” Castiel reached into the bowl and pulled out another chip, which Dean took again.  “Jeez, would you like me to feed you?” he muttered sarcastically when Dean snatched a few more chips from the handful Cas had grabbed.    

“I don’t know, something about how ‘adorable’ we were when we first got married,” Dean explained, and then took a sip of his beer.  “Then she added something about being a stuffy, old married couple.    So I was thinking…” A mischievous gleam was in his eyes as he stepped closer to Cas, easily closing the distance between them.  Castiel stared up at Dean with wide eyes.    

Dean placed his hands on Castiel's waist and pulled the man the remaining inch between them so he was now pressed against him.  Cas let out a gasp and before he could protest, Dean’s lips were claiming his.  Castiel let out another gasp, this time in pleasure, before he was eagerly reciprocating, completely forgetting their current surroundings for a few moments.  Despite the desire to bite each other's heads off, the one thing they could not deny was the-still intense chemistry between them.    

Jo and Sam made a noise of protest when Dean pushed Castiel against the table.  

“Aww, come on boys,” Bobby called from his spot behind Sam and Jo.  “Nobody wants to see that before they eat!” Dean raised his hand, flipping off their audience.  He pulled back a second later, breathless and chuckling at the content look on his husband’s face.    

“Give them a show; probably will shut them up for a bit,” Dean whispered, shrugging like he really didn't care if Castiel agreed with him or not.    

“The food's almost ready,” Bobby snapped again.  “I don't need to see any more of that.  For God's sake, keep it PG.”  Dean laughed and pulled away from Cas, putting some distance between them, but not as much as earlier.  

'Just for show,' Castiel thought, reminding himself to not get too into it.  

“Oh, come now, Bobby,” Ellen chastised as she walked out of the house, “it's not that big of a deal.    Just finish the food so we can all eat.”  Ellen patted Dean on the back as she walked by them, winking.    

Bobby grumbled to himself and went back to attending to the burgers, which were almost ready.    

“I don't know if it worked,” Castiel said in a low voice, glancing at Sam and Jo, the latter smiling impishly at them.  

*****

Castiel had his head resting against Dean's shoulder.  He was starting to feel tired and about ready to head home.  After a good helping of food and catching up, it was now inching closer to nine.  How they managed to last that long, Cas would never know.    

Now, everyone was sat around the large patio table making light small talk.  Dean was in the middle of a discussion with Bobby about scheduling days when he could help out at the garage when he snaked his arm around Castiel's shoulders, lightly rubbing his hand up and down Castiel's right bicep.  It was a rare intimate display for them, and oddly, Castiel was enjoying it.  He sighed and burrowed his head further against Dean's neck, inhaling his fresh and spicy sent, coupled with the scent of the muggy air.    

“I have every other weekend off, normally,” Dean was saying when he felt Castiel's hair tickle against his jaw.  Instead of the urge to push his husband away, like he usually felt, he only wanted to keep him close.  Maybe it was the show of being the loving couple that they used to be that allowed them that temporary lapse into the past.  

“Saturdays are the best.  Any other day just call.  Chances are I'll need more help during the week than weekend,” Bobby explained, while sipping his beer.    

Jo and Sam were discussing something about school.  More like bitching as Jo growled the word “fucking” about three times in less than a minute.    

Ellen sat quietly, ignoring her daughter.  She visibly wasn’t impressed with Jo’s choice of words, but remained silent.  She was just listening to Bobby and Dean talk, smiling at the affectionate display Dean and Cas were putting on.    

“Well,” Ellen spoke up, “I could always use the help on weekends.  What do you say, Dean? Feel like busting table for old times' sake?”

“No way!” Dean protested and chuckled.  The movement of Dean's shoulders bumped against Castiel's face.  “I did enough tables for you.  If I remember correctly, I didn't even offer.  Came in for a burger, and ended up working six hours serving grouchy, middle-aged men.   “   

Besides working for Bobby during his high school and college years, he also “worked” (work being a lose turn, since Ellen wouldn't take ‘no’ for an answer) at The Roadhouse.  It had been irritating at the time, but Dean had some great times working for the woman who, like Bobby, had helped raise him while his dad went on one of his many benders.    

Castiel chuckled at Dean's adamant refusal to work at _The Roadhouse_ again.  From what he remembered, it wasn't _that_ bad.  He enjoyed Dean waiting on him when he came in with his brothers on days that Dean just happened to be working.    

Dean squeezed Castiel's shoulder, but it was a gentle and firm squeeze, not one intended to cause the man pain.    

No one seemed to question the show of affection between the two men.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to the friends and family of the couple.  No one wondered why they were putting on an act because no one knew it was an act.  As far as Bobby, Jo and Ellen were aware, Dean and Cas had been happily married for eight almost nine years.  The only one who may have caught on was Sam, but Dean was almost certain his brother would never say anything.    

“Well, it's just an offer,” Ellen shrugged.  “Personally, I'd rather you than Ash.  He's a good guy, but fuck, he can talk—a little too much.”   

Ash had been working Ellen's restaurant for about three years now.  He was a couple of years younger than Dean, having gone to school with Jo.  He was a good guy, but he was quirky and sometimes that would be off-putting to the customers.    

*****

By nine thirty, Dean and Cas were back in the Impala, driving home.  There were a couple of differences with this drive than the one going to Bobby's.    Instead of the ongoing bickering, they sat in comfortable silence.    Cas' head was resting against the window, only a step away from losing consciousness.  So much so, that he was only vaguely aware of Dean removing his hand from the steering wheel and reaching over to him, gently running his hand through the man's dark tufts of hair.    

Castiel hummed and closed his eyes.  “Feels good,” he mumbled.    

Dean's hand froze for a second, realizing exactly what he was doing, but Cas wasn't complaining, so he continued to comb his hand through his hair.  

Both men were content with the low rumble of the Impala to fill the silence.  It was nice.  It was nostalgic.  It was like old times, back when they first met.  

 


	5. Chapter Five

**_January 2002_ **

“Great,” Dean sighed and looked down at the piece of paper in his hand, “Another school.”  For what seemed like the third time this year, Dean had started a new school.  He had just finished talking with the bitchy secretary, who made it seem like it was his fault his father had been arrested again and that they had to move in with Bobby, thus forcing Sam and him to change schools once again.

After a snide retort to the middle-aged woman when she insulted his lack of organization when he couldn’t find his papers, he _finally_ got his schedule and locker number.

Dean exited the office, studying the map.  God, why were all schools like a fucking maze?  It was like they were designed to make the new kids lost on their first day.

“Fuck,” Dean muttered and went straight—it was the best bet.  As he walked down the long row of lockers, passing a large group of students, he could only hope Sam was having better luck than he was.

After some aimless wandering, he finally found his locker, which was an end one.  _Thank God_.

Dean fiddled with the combination, having to do it two times since it didn’t open right away.  He opened the faded blue door, revealing the standard top shelf and hooks on each side.   The back of the locker was dented from previous abuse and the hook on the left side was hanging upside down.  The word “dick” had been carved into the metal of the door.  All in all, the locker wasn’t the worst Dean had had.  That had been at the last school he attended, where the door was almost dented in half and hadn’t been one hook to hang his coat.

Dean let his backpack slide off his shoulder and fall to the crook of his elbow.  He shoved his bag into the locker along with his coat, hanging the bag on the middle hook.  The bell had already rung, and the announcements had been read.  He missed homeroom and everyone had already headed to their first class, so hurrying to class wasn’t worth it for Dean.  It was only biology and he was already five minutes late.

There were a couple of kids wandering the hall when Dean finally headed to biology.  Two girls walking in the opposite direction, each gave him a shy smile.  They were cute, he couldn’t help noticing.  They were both blonde and wearing dresses; probably not the best choice for the middle of winter and was probably going against the dress code, but Dean couldn’t care.

He pushed open the door of 136, a spacious room with four large windows running along the right side wall.  There were two rows of five lab tables, two students sat at each.  A young, tall blonde woman, dressed in black slacks and a matching blazer stood at the front of the room, writing on the whiteboard.

The door slammed shut behind him, drawing the attention of every student to his side of the room.  The woman stopped writing and glanced at Dean with a scrutinizing gaze.

“Dean Winchester, I presume,” the woman, who was obviously the teacher, said as she closed the cap over the black marker.

“Yeah,” Dean answered, though it sounded more like a question.  “Are you-” Dean looked down at his schedule, “Miss. Cassity?”

“I am, and you’re late,” she lightly chides.  Luckily for Dean, there wasn’t any scattered laughing.

Instead of coming up with an excuse, Dean just shrugged his shoulders and stared at his teacher, who was obviously not impressed.

“Well then, why don’t you take a seat.”  Miss. Cassity pointed to the only free spot at the front table, next to some lanky boy with shaggy blond hair.  “And Jeremy will help you catch up.”

Dean nodded and took his seat next to “Jeremy”.  The boy glared at Dean and scoffed.

“You can copy the board, right?  You don’t need me to help you.”

Dean stared at the boy wide-eyed, struggling to not insult the kid.  He’d only been in the room for less than ten minutes and already he was stuck with the class prick.

“Yeah.”  Dean narrowed his eyes.  “I can read if that was your concern.  So don’t worry about me.”

The kid clearly didn’t get sarcasm.  He just nodded and went back to his notes.

Dean just opened his notebook too, knowing that talking to Jeremy would just be wasting breath.

“You’ve got the order wrong,” Jeremy spoke up after ten minutes of silence.  “It’s metaphase and _then_ anaphase.”  Jeremy’s bony finger pointed to Dean’s paper, missing the obvious arrow correcting the mistake.

“I know.”  Dean let out a frustrated breath.  “That’s what the fucking arrow is for.”  Dean slapped the kid’s hand out of the way, paying no attention to the glare he was receiving.

The rest of the hour passed with Jeremy looking over his shoulder.  When the bell rang, Dean collected his books and left the room quickly.

He had English next, which was on the other side of the school—conveniently.

In English, Dean met Lisa Braeden.  She invited him to come sit with her and her friends, which Dean _gratefully_ accepted.

It was sweet of her to be so welcoming to the ‘new kid’. It also didn't hurt that she was a very pretty girl; thin with long, silky brown hair.

At lunch, he sat with Lisa and her friends, whose names he was trying to remember.  There was Tyson Brady or ‘Brady’as everyone called him.  There was Ava, Hannah and two other people whose names Dean couldn't remember. There were all friendly, except for Hannah.  She was a little annoying and seemed to like having control over her friends.

“So, Dean,” Lisa started, turning to face Dean, who was glancing around the cafeteria, watching all the other students.  “Where did you come from?”  The girl leaned forward on her arms and smiled at Dean.

Dean hesitated for a moment. That was a loaded question. In the past two years, he had moved to five different states and cities.

“Indiana,” Dean replied simply. It was a lie.  Well, not really. He had come from Indiana; his home for the past five months.  If he had been completely truthful, though he would have said he came from Lawrence. Kansas, his real home. But that would be opening up too many questions. People always wanted to know why his family moved from Kansas to New York. It also opened the floor to questions such as what his parents did that caused them to move. There was no way he was sharing his life story; he barely spoke of it at home.

“And why did you move here?” Ava, the petite brunette on Lisa's left spoke up.

“Dad got a... New job.”  Dean forced a smile, hoping his hesitation hadn't made it obvious he was lying.  

Yeah, like his dad getting thrown in jail again was a “new job”.  But, hey, at least it was a different state. A new state.

“And what does he do?” Lisa added, curiosity sparkling in her eyes, trying to find out all she could on Dean Winchester.

“Yeah,” Brady spoke up when Dean didn't answer right away.  The boy's eyes were narrowed as if he could see through Dean's lie.  “What does your dad do?  I mean, it's not anything illegal, is it?”

Hannah snorted, trying to hide it with a cough.

The other two “friends” sitting next to Dean had turned their attention the new student.

“Tyson.  Hannah,” Lisa snapped.

Dean rolled his tongue along the inside of his cheek and let out a scoff.  “You know what?  I don't need to explain my fucking life story to a bunch of people I just met. Especially when they make accusations about things they don't understand.”

“Dean.”  Lisa reached out to grab Dean's arm when the teenager made a move to stand.

Dean pulled away and grabbed his bag before stalking out of the noisy room.

 _Fuck, and this is why I don't make friends_ , Dean thought. People were always sticking their noses where they don't belong.

He walked back to his locker in a foul mood, wishing the day would hurry up and end. He still had history, Algebra II, and auto shop (the only class he was actually looking forward to). History was the subject he was looking forward to the least. It hadn’t been his first choice for a course, but it was either World History or Spanish.

*****

“How was school?” Dean asked Sam as soon as his brother walked through the door of Bobby's house.  Unlike Dean, Sam had walked into the home with a smile on his young face.

“It was good.”  Sam beamed and moved into the family room where Dean was, reading over his stupid history book. The teacher, Mr. Jones was a complete hard ass and had assigned Dean all twenty pages he had missed in the past two weeks.

“I like my classes. My teachers are good.”  Sam dropped his bag next to the black recliner and sank down onto the cushioned seat.  “How was your day?”

Dean looked up at Dean and shrugged.  “It's another school.  I wouldn't get attached to it.  We'll probably be gone before March.”

Dean knew he was being unfair to Sam. His brother was happy. He had a perfect first day and Dean was acting jealous.

“Where’s Bobby?” Sam asked, changing the subject much to Dean’s relief.

“Work. But he left some money for pizza.”  Dean tapped his pencil against his notebook and tilted his head towards the kitchen.

“Can we get Hawaiian?” Sam asked eagerly.  They always fought over what kind of pizza they would share. Dean hated pineapple on his pizza, but since it was what Sam wanted Dean grudgingly agreed.

“Yeah, we can get Hawaiian.  Why don't you start your homework and I'll order the pizza later,” Dean suggested. He shifted on the couch and pulled his book closer to him.

Sam picked up his book bag and pulled out a geography textbook and a half coloured map.

“Seriously?” Dean snorted when he saw what Sam’s homework was.

“What?”  Sam looked confused and stared at his brother with wide eyes.

“They still make you colour those stupid maps in grade eight?”  Dean pointed to Sam’s left hand.  “I thought those-”

“Yes, Dean.”  Sam rolled his eyes and kneeled in front of the coffee table, laying out his school work.  “I still do _this_ in middle school.”

Dean let out a short laugh and went back to reading. He still had twelve pages to finish before he got to the eight questions he had to answer.

Both brothers fell into comfortable silence, working on their assignments. By five, Dean was hungry and suggested that they should order dinner. He still had four questions left, but his stomach was growling and his head hurt.

Luckily, Sam readily agreed, complaining that his hand was starting to cramp.

They decided to order the pizza, taking a small break as they ate their dinner before going back to their homework.

*****

It was now the first week in February.   Sam was still thriving at his school, had even made a friend, whom Bobby allowed Sam to invite over a couple of time. Andy Gallagher was a hyper dude, who overthought a lot of things, but he was a good friend to Sam, so Dean tolerated the kid when he came over.

As for Dean, he was now dating Lisa.  She had gone and apologized for Brady and Hannah's behaviour.  Dean argued that she shouldn't be the one apologizing, but he caved and agreed to have lunch with her again. This time, however, it was only the two of them at the table.  By the end of the week, Dean had asked her out.

That had been three weeks ago. He brought Lisa over to Bobby's two nights ago for the first time. It had gone over well, although Sam had been a little reserved around the girl and only spoke a few words to her.

Sam's behaviour was a little odd, but Dean wasn't too worried. He figured his brother just needed some time.

It was just after lunch and Dean was at his locker collecting his books for the next few classes. Auto engineering, biology, and psychology were the only three subjects he didn't have with Lisa.

Dean was just pulling his Algebra II book when the door to his locked knocked into his arm with a loud bang and a gravelly voice groaned.

Dean pulled his door forward so he could look behind it. A shorter boy with ruffled dark hair was clutching his face as he bent down to pick up his fallen book: _Macbeth_.

Dean took one look at the kid, who was obviously younger that he, but not by much, and realized he had run into his locker.

“Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.”  Dean closed his locker enough so the door was out of the way but didn't lock. “Are you all right?”  Dean placed a hand on the kid's back, whose head shot up as he stared up at the older boy.

It was the eyes that got Dean. They were the deepest blue he had ever seen.

“I a—why are you apologizing?” the boy stammered over his words and rubbed the bridge of his nose.  “I’m the one that wasn't paying attention.  I ran into _your_ locker.”  The boy squinted his eyes and tilted his head in confusion.

“I don’t know.”  Dean shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands into his jean pockets.  “You’re the one that got hurt.  And you didn’t answer.  Are you sure you are all right?”

“I am,” the boy insisted.  “Thank you.”  The boy smiled and fiddled with his book while shifting on the balls of his feet.

“I’m Dean Winchester,” Dean introduced himself, realizing he didn’t know the kid’s name.

“I know,” the boy said.  “You’re dating Lisa Braeden, aren’t you?”

Even though it was sort of early, Dean and Lisa were sort of the ‘it’ couple.

Dean was also in the younger boy’s psychology class, but he wasn’t going to bring that.  The older boy clearly didn’t recognize him.

“Oh, yeah.”  Dean rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.  “Sorry.”

“I’m Castiel Novak.”  The kid held out his hand, which was an odd gesture for a teenager, but Dean took it anyway.

“Castiel,” he repeated, testing out the name on his tongue.  “That’s a-”

“I know.  It’s a stupid name,” Cas sighed dejectedly.  “I get that all the time.”

“Hey,” Dean protested.  “I didn’t say ‘stupid’.  It’s unusual, I’ll say that.”

Castiel chuckled and shook his head.  “To be honest, you are the first one to b-” Castiel was cut off by the warning bell.  “I should go.  It was nice meeting you, Dean.”  Castiel smiled and walked down the hall, leaving Dean staring after him.

He didn’t know how long he stared after Castiel, but whatever trance he was in was broken by a sharp voice.

“Dean, come on.  We can’t be late for history,” Lisa chided.

Dean blinked a couple of times and turned to see his irritated girlfriend.  “What?” he asked dumbly.

"History," she said more forcefully. "The bell rang; we’re going to be late, so let's move it." 

“Oh, right.”  Dean turned his attention to Lisa.  “Let’s go.”  He grabbed his books and closed his locker before Lisa yanked on her boyfriend's hand and dragged him down the hallway.

Handholding wasn't something Dean was particularly fond of, but Lisa liked it and he was willing to do if it meant his girlfriend was happy.

*****

Castiel’s nose was throbbing and his mind was reeling. He tried to distract himself from the pain and a certain green-eyed teenage boy. The boy had been so nice, especially considering he wasn’t exactly invisible to the student body like Cas was, though the latter chose to be “invisible”.He’d rather be considered invisible than what Gabe and Luke had been known for.

The dark-haired teen walked into his English class and took a seat in his usual spot, right next to Balthazar.  The British kid—who had moved here last semester of grade nine—was not Castiel's friend, not by a long shot. However, the overly eccentric and sometimes verbally graphic boy had somehow gravitated towards the reserved teenager to _grace_ him with his company.

“Did you see that new kid make out with Lisa Braeden in the hallway during lunch?” Balthazar asked, seemingly not wanting to pay attention to Mrs. Moseley as she went over the previous assigned chapter of _Macbeth_.

Castiel tried to ignore the obnoxiously loud accented voice and focus on his work, but Balthazar clearly didn’t get the concept of the silent treatment.

“I mean,” he continued, tapping his pen against his desk in a rhythmic beat, “never mind her, though I do prefer the company of the ladies, but, damn, you know, I wouldn’t mind swinging that way for a day.” Balthazar winked at Castiel.

“If you say so, Balthazar,” Cas sighed, only speaking in the hope that the boy would finally stop talking if he did.  “I’ve seen Lisa and Dean _together_.  I’m pretty sure everyone knows that they are together.”

Almost any kid in school knew that Dean and Lisa were the couple to envy.  Dean was one of the most popular guys in school thanks to Lisa. The odd thing, though, that Cas couldn't understand was how someone like Dean could hang out with a group of conceited, self-absorbed juniors like Tyson Brady and Lisa Braeden. He may have only talked to the teen for less than five minutes, but he was almost certain Dean did not fit with them. It didn't make sense.

“Mr. Novak?” Ms. Moseley snapped, drawing everyone’s attention to the middle of the room.  “Do you have something you would like to share with the class?”  The teacher tapped her fingers against her hip impatiently, waiting for a response.

“N-no.”  Castiel shook his head.  “Sorry, Miss. Moseley.”

The woman gave him a warning look before turning back to the board.

Castiel shot Balthazar an irritated glare, which resulted in the kid just shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

“Wasn’t me,” he mouthed and Castiel gritted his teeth.

 

*****

Dean sat in psychology class, bored. Mrs. Petersonwas going on and on about Pavlov’s dog or whatever.  He was counting down the minutes until the bell rang for lunch.  Today, for some odd reason, the class was passing usually slow.  Really, he would have rather been taking sociology, but the offered class didn’t work with his others.

There were only twenty minutes until the bell would ring when the classroom door opened.  Dean looked away from the clock and glanced at the door as someone walked in.  A student, judging from the height. 

Dean didn’t look closely, uninterested in a student who arrived late when most of the class was over.  That’s what made Dean roll his eyes.  What kid went to class when it was practically finished already?

As the boy walked by Dean’s desk, Dean unavoidably caught sight of him.  It was Castiel.  Wait, since when was the boy in Psych?  It was a class for juniors.

Their eyes made contact, but just as quickly as they met, Cas’ eyes flickered to the ground.  He hurried to his seat in the row next to Dean’s and four seats behind him.

For the remainder of class, Dean tried to focus on what the teacher was saying, but his mind kept drifting to the kid a few seat behind him. 

Finally, the bell rang and Dean hurried out of the room, but instead of heading out to the cafeteria to meet Lisa, he stood by the door, waiting for Castiel. 

The boy was one of the last students to walk out of the room.  His was fiddling with his messenger bag, pulling it over his chest.  He either didn’t see Dean leaning against the lockers or he just ignored him and walked by.

Dean watched Castiel walk by before he chased after him.  “Hey, Cas,” he called out, trying to grab the boy’s attention.

“Cas,” Dean tried again, and this time Castiel turned to look at him.  The look of shock on the kid's face would have been almost comical if he hadn’t nearly walked straight into a couple of seniors.

“Whoa, hey there.”  Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm and pulled him out of the seniors’ way.

Castiel glanced up a Dean.  He looked surprised, but a small smile spread across his face.  “Hello, Dean.  How are you?”

Castiel, though he kept calm, was slightly panicking on the inside.  Dean Winchester was talking to him. Though Dean had only been at the school for only a couple of months, he had made a name for himself.  A few people, mainly students from Dean’s grade were staring at them.  There weren’t many, but it was more attention Cas was used to.

“So you’re in my Psych class?” Dean pointed out, though he felt slightly stupid when he realized it was sort of obvious now.

Cas looked at Dean and smiled politely.  “You seem surprised.”

“What?  No, it-it’s fi-”Dean began to sputter, but Castiel cut him off by laughing.

“Just not used to tenth graders in a grade eleven class?”  Castiel’s tone was teasing but still held shyness, like he couldn’t believe he was talking to Dean Winchester, again.  Or, really, that Dean was talking to him.

Dean just shrugged, not really denying Castiel’s assumption.  He was kind of right, but it was also more about the fact that _Castiel_ was in his class.  The boy—even though it had only been two days—was already invading Dean’s mind.  He’d never admit it, but he’d actually looked for the boy a couple of times in the hall between classes.

“Are you one of those honour kids?” Dean teased, “Overachieving on everything.”

Castiel bit his lip and shook his head.  He hadn’t looked at it like that, but maybe that is what it seemed like to the older kids.  Maybe that was why he received so many dirty looks when the teachers complimented his schoolwork.

“I-I um… It’s my brother.  He kind of expects the best and insists that I take more ‘advance’ courses.  I would have been happier taking another English class.”  Cas sighed and glanced over at Dean, who was smiling.  He looked so interested in what Castiel was saying and it was a weird experience for Cas.  He was more used to being on the receiving line end of mocking comments, or if it were his brothers, a commented of “shut up”.

They were now passing the cafeteria—Dean’s stop.  It was getting crowded now since class had been dismissed five minutes ago.  Dean could see Lisa and her friends sit at their usual table.  He knew he should really hurry over, but he really didn’t want to leave Castiel.  He didn’t know why, but the boy was interesting.  A little quirky, but Dean really wanted to know more about him.  Most people in school knew very little about Castiel, other than the fact that his wasGabriel Novak—last year’s senior class’ prankster’s younger brother.

Acting on impulse, Dean asked the question that probably shouldn’t have asked.  “Hey, um, do you want to have lunch together?  We have plenty of space and I’m sure they won’t-” Dean trailed off.

“Oh, um-” Castiel glanced to the side and saw Lisa Braeden glance around the room, obviously searching for Dean.  It would be nice to get to spend more time with Dean Winchester.  He was certainly nothing like what the rumours said, but Cas also saw Tyson Brady at the table and knew exactly what his answer had to be.  “Thank you for the invite, but, I’m supposed to be meeting my brother for lunch.  He has my money.  I’ll see you tomorrow in psychology.  Thank you again, though.” he repeated and smiled.

“All right then.  See you later, Cas.”  Cas nodded quickly and hurried down the hall without a second glance. 

As Castiel turned away he smiled.  Dean had given him a nickname.  It probably meant nothing.  His family called him that when they weren’t trying to annoy him; but it felt nice.

Maybe it was for the best.  Hannah and Brady probably wouldn’t kindly welcome a tenth grader at their table.  Yet, as Dean watched Castiel disappear through the crowd of students, he almost wished Castiel had accepted.  He would be willing to take the ridicule from his “friends”.

*****

Two weeks later, the middle of February, Mrs. Peterson was in the middle of explaining the first partner assignment there would be in psychology class.

“You will then, with your partner, choose a topic related to cognitive psychology.  Eye-witnesses, how one person’s account compares to another’s are a couple of examples you can pick from.You are then going to write a short paper—two to three pages long, and explain why people perceive the same thing differently.  Why do people process things in different ways?”  Mrs. Peterson glanced around the room as if to make sure everyone was still following.   “You have two weeks from today to finish this assignment.  Next week I have two class booked into the library, but the rest will have to be done outside of class.”  There were a couple of groans, but the woman ignored them.  “And,” she stressed the word,“I don’t want any repeat topics.  Each group must come up with something different.  Since you are all in the eleventh grade, I am allowing you to pick your partner, so choose wisely.”

With the dismissal, students started scattering, trying to get to their friends or to not be the last on without a partner.

Dean looked behind him and saw Castiel sitting alone at his desk.  Without thinking about it, Dean stood up and walked over to him.  He took a seat at the empty desk in front of Cas’. 

“Thought we could be partners.”  It was more of a statement than a question.  However, considering most of the students had paired up already, Castiel didn’t have much of a choice.

“Okay.”  He nodded his head and picked up the assignment page Mrs. Peterson had handed out.  “Do you have any idea what topic you would like to do?”

“I dunno.”  Dean shrugged.  “Maybe something like about trying to remember important information.  Or first impressions.”

The younger boy smiled.  “We could do eye-witnesses.  Maybe explain how they’re not always reliable; people sometimes only see what they want to see.”

Dean nodded in agreement.  “Yeah, that’s fine.  Umm, I can only get together a couple of times after school, so I don’t know what kind of schedule you want to try and work out.”

Tuesdays and Thursdays were the only days Bobby wasn’t working late and Dean didn’t have to watch Sam.  Dean also helped out at the garage.

“Does this Thursday work?My brothers are supposed to be out, so they won’t need the computer.  It’s nearly impossible to get on it when Gabriel is ho-" Cas trailed off and blushed when he realized he was rambling.

“Thursday works,”Dean decided.  “Uh, here.”  Dean took Castiel’s notebook and pencil and scribbled down his number on top of the page.  “Just in case anything comes up.”

Castiel was relieved.  He was glad Dean was willing to meet up on Thursday; it was the only time he was guaranteed the house to himself.  He wouldn’t have to worry about any embarrassment his brother may bestow upon him in the presence of Dean Winchester.  That was the last thing he needed.

“We can meet up at my locker after school.   I could drive you.”  Dean had just gotten his licence last month, and since his father was in jail, he had inherited his ‘67 Impala.  “I also trust you don’t need me to tell you where my locker is.”  The older teen winked and chuckled when a soft blush spread over Castiel’s face for the second time in less than ten minutes.

Mrs. Peterson came over to their desks before Castiel could respond.  They told her their choice and she seemed very pleased with it, compared to her reaction some of the other students received.

The bell rang a couple of minutes later and Dean stood to go collect his books.  “See you later, Cas.”  He smiled and walked over to his desk.

*****

“So, I found this article on how memory sometimes reacts in stressful situations.  I thought there might be a few good points we-”

Dean was only half listening—he was more interested in looking around Castiel’s house.  The boy was obviously religious since there was a crucifix hanging up in the front foyer, which Dean noticed when he had walked in.  There was also a painting of the “Last Supper” hanging in the upstairs hallway, which Dean had seen when he went to use the bathroom.

“Dean?  What do you think?”  The older teen hadn’t realized Castiel was still talking.  He was confused; he didn’t know what the answer should be.

 _‘Yes’.  You can’t go wrong with ‘yes’, right_?  Dean opened his mouth, ready to test the theory but was cut off by a voice Castiel did not want to hear.

“Whoa, Cassie,” the obnoxiously loud voice of his brother Gabriel exclaimed as he walked into the kitchen.  “Got yourself a boyfriend finally?”

Castiel practically squawked and blushed as he glanced at Dean, only to see he was doing the same.

“Gabe,” the youngest Novak growled warningly.  He wasn’t going to deal with Gabriel’s bullshit today, not even if Dean was chuckling…wait.  Castiel glanced at the boy on his right and saw that Dean was indeed chuckling at either Gabriel or him.

“What?” Gabriel asked, oblivious to his little brother’s _embarrassment_.  “It’s nothing to hide.  I know sexual attraction when I see it.”

Castiel dropped his head in his hands and moaned.  “Gabe, this is Dean, my _psychology_ partner.  We’re just working on our psychology assignment.”

“Gabriel Novak,” the middle Novak introduced and held out his hand for Dean, which the teen politely took.

“Yeah, I know.  We _are_ just working on a project,” Dean defended, not sure why he felt to need to—Gabriel was obviously joking.

An uneasy feeling settled over Dean.  Again, he knew it was a joke, but it felt more of an accusation.

“I’m straight,” he said as forcefully as he could without making it sound like he was attacking Gabriel.

Gabriel leaned against the back of Castiel’s chair.  His eyes dragged over Dean like he was sizing him up.  “Mm-hmm,” was the only response he got from the older Novak before he exited the room.

“I’m sorry about that,” Cas apologized as soon as Gabriel disappeared.                                                                 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean brushed off.  The thing was, neither of them listened to those words.

*****

One May Saturday, Dean was working his shift _The Roadhouse._ It wasn’t like he’d volunteered to help Ellen serve tables at the restaurant, but more like one day she’d just told him when he was starting and that was the end of that. 

She did pay him and the hours were fair, so he wasn’t complaining.  Also, it did help that Bobby was friends with the woman, which meant she was a _little_ easier on him.  However, Dean wondered if it was also because she knew his father too, and knew what he was like.

His dad was still in jail, waiting to be released.  He had only been sentenced for several months and would be out by early June.  Sam and he had not openly discussed it, but the idea of their father coming back weighed heavily on their shoulders.  They knew he wasn’t really coming back.  He’d show his face for a couple of weeks and then disappear again like he always did.

On top of his new job, along with the one Bobby gave him at the auto shop, Dean began saving for college.  It wasn’t a lot at the moment, but hopefully, it would help reduce the loans he would need to take out. 

Dean was starting to feel stressed from everything.  His father was going to return, he was working two jobs—even though Bobby and Ellen were accommodating with the hours and he had to worry about senior year and taking the credits that would help him with his college education.  Not to mention his relationship with Lisa was now serious.  But even with a girlfriend, he didn’t share his worries with the girl—he couldn’t.

The weird thing, though, was that he talked to Cas about everything.  After their first psychology project, Dean began sharing his time at lunch with Lisa and Cas.  He started giving Cas a ride home—it was on the way after he picked up Sam from school.  They started hanging out at Cas’ every Tuesday since Lucifer’s schedule had changed at work and it was the only day Cas was home alone.  He told Dean he’d rather not introduce him to his family.  Dean questioned it, but the one time Cas invited him over a Thursday in March, he finally understood.  Michael was a dick, and Gabe and Lucifer enjoyed embarrassing their brother any chance they got.  Their friendship started to grow after that, and Dean began trusting Cas, very easily, which was rare.

Seriously, though, what was with their names?  Dean almost laughed when he found out Cas actually had a brother called “Lucifer”. 

Cas knew about his stress with school and had offered to tutor Dean since he had taken a few of Dean’s AP course last semester.  Dean had also shared his past with Cas—not everything, but he did talk about his mother and even confessed that his father was in jail.

Dean had thought their friendship was over after that.  He had thought Cas was going to judge him for having an alcoholic father currently in jail for the second time.   Except Cas didn’t judge.  He listened to Dean as he let go everything he kept hidden for years: the anger, frustration, disappointment—everything he felt towards the situation his father had put them in. It comforted Dean so much to have Castiel’s support.  It felt refreshing to get all his hidden secrets off his chest.

Castiel had just hugged Dean and let the older boy know he’d always be there to listen.  The hug had been foreign, but it was comforting.

In return for Dean sharing his life story, Castiel shared his.  Dean knew the boy lived with his brothers and not his parents.  That had become obvious upon his first visit to Cas’, but Dean had never broached the subject.

Cas had explained that his dad had never been in the picture, how he ran off shortly before Cas was born.  His mother, much like Dean’s, had passed away.  But unlike Dean’s, Castiel’s mother died three years ago from breast cancer.  It had been hard on the four brothers, especially Michael who had to step up as their guardian.

It was so strange.  They had only begun hanging out three months ago and he had already shared things with Cas that he still had yet to tell Lisa.  And judging by what Cas has shared with him, he was sharing what he could not with his brothers.

The biggest change to their friendship had probably been the first week of April, the Friday after the Easter weekend to be exact.

Castiel had ended up in a fight with a boy from his year.  Well, the principal called it a fight; it was more like Castiel shoved the boy back because he had cowered him against his locker.  The boy then punched Castiel in the stomach.   That hadn’t gone over too well with Michael.  Instead of going home with his brother, Cas opted for a ride from Dean.

Cas had just walked up to Dean in the parking lot, a bruise beginning to form along his cheek.  Dean had taken one look at his friend and demanded to know what had happened, ready to tear into the bastard who had laid a hand on Cas.

_“Dean, don’t.  Please,” Castiel had begged, gripping Dean’s arm and pulling him back to the Impala.  “Just—let’s get out of here, please.”  Cas’ voice had been quiet and pleading.  He stared into the raging green eyes of his friend, which soften instantly when he met Cas’ gaze._

_“Okay,” Dean said softly and led Cas back to his car.  “I’ll just take you home?”  It was more of a question than a comment._

_“I-I don’t know.  Can we just drive around?”  Castiel looked down at his shoes, kicking a stone near the wheel._

_“We can,” Dean confirmed and pulled his door open, getting into the driver’s side.  Normally he picked Sam up at school and then dropped Cas off at home, but Sam was over at Andy’s again and he didn’t want to leave Cas just yet._

_He was concerned about what had happened to Cas, but he wasn’t going to pry until the boy was ready to talk._

_They drove around for fifteen minutes before Castiel broke.  He explained how had tried to ignore Connor, the boy who had punched him, but he had kept insulting him and eventually pushed him against his locker, so Cas had retaliated.  He shoved the boy back and Connor responded by punching Cas in the face and then stomach._

_Dean was furious after that, asking if Castiel had told the principal he was just defending himself._

_“Unfortunately, he didn’t see it that way.  I was told I shouldn’t have acknowledged him and because I did, I’m suspended for three days.”_

_They fell into uncomfortable silence.  Dean wanted to say something comforting, but he also had pressing questions he wanted to ask._

_“What was it about?  The fight, I mean,” he clarified.  He watched Castiel out of the corner of his eye.  The young teen had tensed up and stared wide-eyed out the window._

_“I-I, um.”  Cas stared down at his hands, which were clenched tightly in his lap.  Why was this the first question Dean had to ask?  Couldn’t it have been ‘are you all right?’_

_Dean frowned and furrowed his brows.  “It’s all right, Cas.  You can tell me.  I promise I won’t judge.  You know you can always talk to me.”_

_Castiel remained silent, still staring down at his hands.  Just get it over with, he told himself.  What was the worst Dean could do?  Think he was pathetic?  Taking a deep breath, Castiel said, “Connor was harassing me because he found out that I’m gay.”_

_Thankfully Dean had been stopped at a stop sign or he might have run the Impala off the road._

_“Y-yo-” Dean cut himself off.  He didn’t want to say anything stupid and hurt Cas’ feelings.  Castiel was probably already feeling pretty shitty from today._

_“Yes, Dean.  I’m gay.  I’m surprised you didn’t figure that out; you’re a pretty smart guy.”  The boy almost chuckled, surprising Dean._

_Dean made a noise in the back of this throat and swallowed.  Why should he have known his best friend preferred males?  It wasn’t like they talked about that stuff with each other._

_“Why should I hav—”_

_“Gabriel’s joke when you first came over,” Cas explained, knowing what Dean was going to ask.  “He pretty much outed me by calling you my boyfriend.”_

_“I thought he was joking!”  His voice was slightly raised, a little defensive._

_“He was, but only about you.  It’s all right, Dean.  I understand if you are uncomfortable-”_

_“No!” Dean said forcefully, interrupting Cas.  The teen looked to the older one with raised brows. “No, I mean I’m fine.  I’m not bothered by it.  I promise.”_

Dean made sure his tone was sincere.  He wanted Cas to know that his sexuality was not going to change their  _friendship._

And it didn’t.  Dean still continued to give Cas rides home and Castiel even started coming over to Bobby’s house more—much to Sam’s enjoyment.  His little brother seemed to approve of Casa hell of a lot more than Lisa.  Castiel was important to him.


	6. Chapter Six

“Fuck, Dean.  Ignore it,” Castiel bit out as the phone rang for the second time in less than ten minutes.  He grabbed at his husband’s shoulders to keep him in place.  “They’ll catch on eventual—Fuck!” 

Dean squeezed his hand around Cas’ crotch, triggering a gasp out.  Right now Dean had Castiel pinned against the kitchen counter, lips moving from his husband’s mouth to jaw, and his hand around Cas’ jean clad dick. 

What had started out as a disagreement over some stupid little thing—neither of them could remember what—had quickly escalated into a heavy make out and groping session, with the promise of sex if the asshole who kept calling would take the fucking hint.

“It’s probably just Gabe; let it go.”  As Dean tried to pull back, Castiel grabbed onto his neck to keep him still.  “You’re not starting something and then not finishing it.”

“Someone’s demanding today,” Dean observed, as Cas began to rut against his hand.  He pulled away and kneeled in front of Castiel.  “However, you’re not in control today.  I’m going to wind you up so tight.”  He pulled on the waistband of Castiel’s jeans, pushing the button through the hole before tugging the zipper down eagerly.

“Dean, this isn’t a fucking punishment.  Are you really going to make me work—shit,” he groaned when Dean reached in and cupped Cas.

“I’m gonna make you-”

The phone stopped finally.  This time, the answering machine kicked in and after the cliché of Castiel’s voice—since Dean refused to do it—instructing to leave a message, the caller did.

_“Dean,” the angry voice of Sam bit out.  “I know you’re home so answer the fucking phone.  Listen, I don’t care if you are fucking sleeping, answer the damn phone.  Dean!”  Sam nearly yelled his name._

“Are you fucking kid-?”  Dean pulled back and grabbed the cordless from the counter next to Cas. 

The other man let out a frustrated growl and straightened up.  His back hurt a little from bending back at an uncomfortable angle and so that the granite top pressed into the centre of his back.  Though, he hardly noticed it at the time, being too preoccupied with… Other activities

“What?” Dean snapped into the phone.  He was pissed over being sexually frustrated, and now at his brother and his persistent attitude.

_“About time you answered your phone.  Do you how long I’ve been trying to ca-?”_

“Yeah, I know, Sam.  You don’t seem to be able to take a hint.”  Cas let out a heavy breath next to Dean and zipped up his pants.  Their previous activities were now forgotten.

“Seriously, Dean.  How many times do I have to call though?  You usually are good a—oh fuck!” Sam groaned and Dean could vaguely imagine Sam throwing an arm over his eyes.  “You two weren’t in the middle of…?”

“No.”  Dean could hear a small sigh from his brother and decided to have a little fun with him.  “But we were about to, until someone cockblocked us.”

The sigh quickly turned into a groan and a “God damn it, Dean!”

 “What?” Dean chuckled, enjoying how overly dramatic his baby brother was being.  It wasn’t like this was the worst he’d caught him doing.  There was that one time at Bobby’s during Christmas five years ago. 

“Just because your sex life is on hold at the moment doesn’t mean mine is,” he added.

Dean didn’t missthe little gasp Castiel let out.

 _“Geez, thanks for reminding me,”_ Sam muttered flatly.

“Oh, come on, Sammy.  Lighten up; I’m just messing with you. What is it you wanted?”  Dean leaned against the counter, a small chuckle escaped past his lips.

There was a long pause on Sam’s end and for a moment Dean had thought he had hung up.  The long pause was not a good sign; it meant Sam was gearing up for something big.  Cas was sitting at the kitchen table now with a cup of water, watching Dean curiously.

_“I’m going over to Long Island City, and I was wondering if-”_

As soon as the words were out, Dean’s entire demeanor changed.  A frown replaced his playful smile and his eyes narrowed.

“Dean-”  Castiel began to stand up, but Dean held up his hand, halting his movements.

“Don’t bother finishing that sentence, Sam.  You know I already went.”

There was a loud groan on Sam’s end and Dean’s just rolled his eyes.  Yeah, his brother never understood, and if Dean had it his way, Sam would continue to be oblivious to the truth.  He’d rather his brother be ignorant than to burden him with his own crap.  Sam didn’t need to hear his bullshit.

 _“Come on, Dean.  I don’t want to do this alone.”_   There was long pause again, but this time Dean could hear his brother’s breathing. _“Can’t you just give him an hour?  Twenty minutes?”_ he changed when he heard the older man’s scoff.

“I already said I’m not going there again.  You’re the one who can decide if you want to go or not.  He’s not gonna bitch if you skip out.”  Yeah, while Sam could get away with missing visits, God forbid he did.  One missed date and his father weighted him down with guilt the next.

 _“Dean, come on.  You know I can’t stand being in the same room as dad.  Bobby’s on my case about visiting.”_ Sam’s voice a cross between irritation and desperation.

He was not going to touch that subject. He was not going there. "No, Sam.  I already told you no, and that's my finale answer."  He pressed end before Sam could say anything else.  He knew he was going to hear about this later.  Whatever, he'd deal with that again when it happened. 

There was a long pause before Cas took a deep breath like he was about to speak.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dean spoke in a clipped tone, knowing that Cas’ was staring at him with concern and interest.

Castiel sighed and got up from his chair.  He walked around the table, closer to Dean.  “Dean, I’ve known you for thirteen years, and _every_ time there is something-”

Dean shook his head and stepped out of the kitchen.  “It’s not worth talking about, Cas; let it go.” 

Dean began to pace the length of their living room, ignoring the impertinent eye-roll Cas kept doing each time he mumbled “not goin’” or “not now”.

“You know, for someone who’s about to wear a hole into out carpet, it really must be ‘nothin’.”  Castiel leaned against the wall, tracking Dean with his eyes.

“Yeah, and after eight years you should know I don’t want to talk about ‘that’.”  Dean rounded on Cas and stared him dead in the eyes.

His stare was anxious and slightly threatening, but it wasn’t anything Cas wasn’t used to.

“About what?” the younger man nearly cried and held up his hands, palms facing up.  “I don’t even know what ‘that’ means?”

“Come on, Cas, don’t act cute.”  Dean’s tone was taunting and slightly condescending.  “You know damn well what I’m talking about.  His parole is coming up again.”

Suddenly Sam’s phone call made sense.  The “not going” fit.  Sam was asking Dean to go to Queensboro Correctional.  He was definitely not going to talk about this.  Not sober at least.

Castiel walked over to Dean, but the man moved back.  “Dean,” Cas sighed, “Let’s just sit down.  I’m not going to ask you to talk; you don’t have to say anything, but just calm down.  You can’t go to work if you’re too agitated.”  He reached out for Dean’s arm, but just missed it as his husband pulled away.

Dean groaned and tossed the phone onto the coffee table, wincing at the crack of plastic against wood.  He sank into the couch and stared blankly at the TV.

He couldn’t go see he his father; it was too soon.   Not since the last visit.  Dean couldn’t hear those words again.  He made the mistake of going on his own, he was not about to be forced in front of the man that still haunted him despite the fact that it had been eight years since he had spent more than an hour in the same room as John Winchester. 

Sam would be there this time, but that wasn’t as comforting as it should have been.  He didn’t want him little brother to hear what their father thought of him.

Castiel moved to sit next to his husband, but Dean nearly jumped when he felt the couch dip.  He immediately moved away.  He didn’t want Castiel’s comfort, but he allowed the man to place a hand on his knee.  It wasn’t too much of a touch, so he was okay with it.

They stayed like that for a bit, Dean fuming on the inside and Castiel staying close, keeping an eye on him.  When it was two hours until their shift started Dean got up and went into their bedroom.

 “I’m going in early,” Dean announced, walking back out of their room as Castiel finished washing the dishes he had started before their argument.  Dean was rolling up the sleeves of his dark brown shirt.  His voice was even and his posture was relaxed.

He had either calmed down or was just hiding it well over the years Castiel had gotten good at reading his husband.  He wasn’t as good as Sam, and he still got stumped at times, like right now, though he was almost certain Dean was anything but calm.  Leaving early was just code for “needing space”.

“Okay.”  Castiel wasn’t going to fight him on it.  The more he pushed Dean the more he would lash out, and they’ve been getting along decently the past week.  It was petty arguments and sex, but that was how they worked.  “I’ll see you there then.”

*****

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Dean moaned and glared at the cup of coffee in his hand.  With the coffee machine busted in the break room, they all had to resort to the coffee in the squad room, which tasted like gravel in hot water.

Dean had made it to the station, physically unfazed; his mind was raging.  He ended up going to the gym; running on the treadmill for a good hour always helped him clear his head.  He actually didn’t realize the time until Anna came rushing in, warning him that he had fifteen minutes to shower and change before parade.

“I warned you,” Charlie sighed and rested her hip against the counter.  “You can’t get a decent cup of coffee in here.  Unless Crowley finally springs to buy us that new one _everyone_ has been begging for.”

“Yeah, when hell freezes over,” the man grumbled before tossing the “coffee” into the trash can next to the counter.

Charlie smirked and shook her head.  “I also told you Garth was making a coffee run.  You know there had to be a reason for _Garth_ to make a coffee run.”  Charlie’s gaze shifted from Dean to behind him.  Her smile brightened and she let out and a moan of relief when she saw Castiel walk in their direction with a tray of three coffees.

“Where’s Garth?” she questioned as Castiel handed her her cup.

Castiel then plucked the second coffee from the tray and held it out for Dean.  “He gave me the tray.  Something about switching cars with Victor.  I don’t really know.”  The man shrugged his shoulders.

He took a sip from the last cup in the tray before tossing the cardboard holder in the recycling bin.  “He just handed me the tray and told me to find you.”

It was only half a lie.  Garth had given him Charlie’s coffee, but Dean’s had been purely his doing.  He had stopped for coffee before heading to the station.

Dean had noticed Cas’ handwriting on his cup.  It may have been a sweet gesture, but Dean was uncomfortable; Charlie knew he hadn’t asked Garth to get him anything.

“Wait, I thought you didn’t ask for coffee?” Charlie looked confused.

 _Damn it. Forgot about that._  Maybe he was reading too much into it, but he could have sworn that he Charlie raise a questioning eyebrow.

Dean glanced at Cas and just shrugged his shoulders.

Without missing a beat, Cas smoothly replied with “Garth texted me asking what I wanted and he asked about your order since he never got it.”  It was easy to say Dean was back. Whatever Sam had said was in the past now as far as Dean was concerned.

It was a safe excuse; no one would check with Garth.

“You know Dean’s coffee order?” Charlie’s voice was giddy and high.  “I don’t even know his order.  That’s just so cute.”

“I ride with him about two—three shifts a week if I’m lucky.”  Castiel’s tone was sarcastic.  “You don’t spend that much time with someone without learning their coffee order.”

“Aww,” Charlie cooed and shifted her eyes between the husbands.  “He’s got you covered.”

Dean ignored the officer and favoured sipping at his drink.  There was a low buzz around the station today.  The morning shift was just getting off and the afternoon officers were ready to begin theirs.

“Did anyone get patrol today?” Castiel asked after Dean shot him a dirty look over the lid of his cup.

“I’m stuck doing traffic stops for seatbelts,” Cas continued.  He was also partnered with Gary today.  By some high power, it seemed like fate was not on Anna’s side—or was, depending on how he looked at it.  Anna had been partned with the overly eager kid, meaning Castiel had to withhold his promise.

“Nope.”  Charlie popped the ‘p’ as she pulled the lid off her cup.  “I got front desk today.”

“And Dean?”  Castiel faced Dean when the taller man didn’t offer up his assignment for the day.

“I’m with Aiden,” Dean sighed just as the younger brunet came into view.  Dean rarely worked with the officer—only a handful since the kid started.  He was decent at the job, better that Frankel, who he knew Castiel was partnered with today, having heard Anna’s cry of “joy” when she saw who she had originally had.

“I got to go.”  Dean held up a finger, signaling ‘one minute’ to Aiden.  “I’ll see you later,” he said to Charlie and then turned to Cas.

Castiel ran his thumb over the opening of hi lid.  He moved his gaze to Dean’s.

“Thanks for the…um the coffee,” Dean said awkwardly with an even more awkward pat to Castiel’s shoulder.

They were never good at acting civil with each other.  Even when they were younger, Sam or Castiel’s brothers always said they looked about two seconds from banging each other.  Now, it was either one step from killing each other or awkward behaviour that made everyone around them cringe.

“Fuck,” Charlie cursed once Dean had walked away with Aiden.  “I think it’s less painful to watch Chuck do karaoke at the Christmas benefit than it is to watch you two act nice to each other.

Castiel offered a smile but it came out strained. 

“It’s not natural.  Stop it.”  Charlie shuddered and made a noise of disgust.

“You guys are always complaining to us about our fighting,” Cas protest and raised his hand as if to say ‘I give up.’

“Yeah, and as I said,” Charlie nodded her head, “it’s not natural.  I actually think I prefer you two bickering.  At least that’s entertaining.”

“Well, I’m glad my relationship with Dean is such a show,” Castiel muttered sarcastically into his coffee cup.

“I think it’s c…” Charlie trailed off.  She gave a small wave to someone behind Castiel.

The male officer turned to see Dorothy walk by, returning the red-haired officer’s wave.  Behind the brunette was Gary Frankel _finally_ returning from the washroom.

“Ready to go, boss?  Sir?” he corrected when he was Castiel’s unimpressed face.

“I told you not to call me that.”  Castiel gave Charlie a look, hinting his displeasure at being addressed so formally. 

“Oh, right.  Sorry.”  Gary bowed his head and stepped to the side to let the older officer pass.

It seemed that Anna had a problem with the kid’s verbal filter.  While Cas could easily tolerate the endless chatter, he hated being addressed as “sir” especially since he wasn’t even a TO.  Gary’s training officer had been Rufus Turner before he retired, and that had been over a year ago.

“Let’s just go.”  Castiel motioned for Gary to turn around and head down the hall.  He followed closely behind, glancing back at Charlie who looked rather smug as he friend walked off.

“Castiel,” a soft voice called out from behind the officer.

He turned and spotted Tessa descend the last couple of steps she was walking down from.  There was a large file in her hand, though Cas doubted it had anything to do with what she wanted from him.

“Detective?”  Cas turned his body to face the woman who was dressed in her normal light grey pantsuit, though her hair was tied back today.

“Have you seen Dean today?”  She stopped about a foot away from Castiel.  She was glancing down the hall and back to the two officers.

Gary had stopped as well.  He stood off to the side awkwardly as his partner for the day and detective conversed.

Even though their actual marriage was kept a secret, the fact that Crowley paired them up so much, people always assumed they knew where the other was.  It was like people thought they were twins or worse… Husbands.

It took an effort for Castiel to not roll his eyes.  Really, was he the only one who had a vague idea where the man in question was?  Charlie was always an option.  Dean was always with her a hell of a lot more than he was.  Kevin, Victor, even Chuck were other options.

Though Cas wanted to voice these, he didn’t.  Instead, he just told Tessa he didn’t know exactly.  “He’s out on the street right now.  Just left, I think.”

Tessa shifted on her feet; her heels clicked against the ceramic tiles.  She let out a huff and looked disappointed.

“Damn.”  She rubbed her hand across her forehead.  “All right.  Umm…”  Her eyes were closed like she was trying to figure out an alternative option.

“Is it important?”  Castiel’s brows furrowed.  “If I see him out there I ca-”

“No, no,” Tessa sighed.  “It’s not that important.  Lafitte is just having me hunt him down and he is impossible to find, and I am already stressed over the O’ Ryan case.”

Castiel gave her a sympathetic smile.  The O’ Ryan case had been a meth lab found in a pizzeria, and Tessa had been assigned the case, which should had been finished after a couple of days until they had found some untraceable guns.

“Look, if you see Winchester just tell him Benny’s looking for him.”  Tessa’s phone rang, attracting her attention.  She answered her phone and without a second glance, turned back to the stairs she’d just come down.

*****

Today’s shift was probably one of the most routine shifts Dean ever had.  There weren’t any complaints they had to answer; it was just speeding tickets and expired tags.  He wasn’t even exhausted because of the shift, but because it was one in the morning.

Castiel had his shirt halfway over his head when Dean walked into the locker room.

The other officer’s shirt was unbuttoned, exposing the black t-shirt he wore underneath it. 

Without a word to his husband, Dean shrugged his own shirt off and opened his locker.

“Benny’s looking for you,” Cas spoke up.  He peered over at Dean to see if he had heard him.  “Tessa asked me to let you know.”

Dean didn’t say anything, but just nodded his head.  He grabbed his button up and slid his arms through the sleeves.

Cas grabbed his bag and turned to Dean.  There were so many questions burning through his mind.  He wanted to know why the hell was an Organized Crime detective asking for Dean.

Benny Lafitte was one of the top detectives in Division 23.  He dealt with gang related crime and had a high success rate.  Cas had only met the man a handful of times; he was Dean’s “friend”, though that term could be used loosely.  But if there was anyone Dean should be jealous of, it was that guy.  He always felt, in some way, that Benny would take Dean from him.  He couldn’t describe the feeling, but he’d felt it since the moment he met the detective six years ago.

“Why is Benny asking for you?” Castiel asked, unable to stop himself, especially with how nonchalant Dean was being about it.

“How should I know?” Dean shrugged his shoulders and closed his locker. He turned to Cas, a tired look on his face. “You're guess is as good as mine.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. Anyway, I’m tired, so I am not about to go hunting for him. See you at home.”

“Fine,” Cas sighed as Dean strolled past him.

He watched as Dean left the room.  He suspected Dean had an idea about what Benny wanted.  A detective like Benny didn’t call on anyone without them being vaguely aware of what it was about.  And he had a sickening feeling that whatever it was, Dean wanted it, and it was not going to end well for them.

*****

It was Tuesday evening when Dean entered the station, ready for his night shift.  He was running a little late since Sam had decided to call twenty minutes before he was supposed to leave.  The fact that his brother called at eight o’clock when he knew Dean had to be at work for half past eight really pissed him off.  It also didn’t help that he was asking if he wanted to get drinks since their last day planned had been cancelled—again.

He had made it to the men’s locker room when he heard a deep, Cajun accented voice called his name.

“Winchester,” he heard and turned around to see Detective Benny Lafitte walking towards him.  “Glad I finally caught you.  Been looking for you since Thur-”

“Yeah, Tessa mentioned something to me.”

“Right.”  Benny nodded and handed Dean a file.  Dean took the folder and glanced from it to Benny with a confused look.  “We’re going undercover again,” he explained.  “Still early; not gonna happen for a few months.  I thought I’d let ya know so you could get your application ready for when we start accepting.”

Dean’s head snapped up as he stared at the detective.  The man smirked and cocked an eyebrow.

“I know you wanted in last time and we were unable to take you up on it.  Though I’d help ya out this time.”

“But-” Dean paused.  _Did he really have a chance?_ He wondered, or was Benny doing this because he felt like he owed him.  He had tried to apply for undercover a year ago, but he hadn’t gotten his application in time.  He had a hope when Cas told him about Benny that it was another opportunity, but he hadn’t counted on it.

“Applications are being accepted next month,” the man continued, ignoring Dean’s pause.  “Just find me and bring the application anytime.”

Dean nodded, still feeling a little stunned.  He felt a firm pat on his shoulder.  The man’s footsteps began to fade.

“What’s that you got there?” a voice pulled Dean from his inner thoughts. 

Kevin had come up from behind him and was staring at the yellow folder, hanging loosely in Dean’s hand.

“Did you get pulled by one of the detectives?  Was it Tessa?”  Kevin’s tone was teasing, but Dean didn’t feel like joking back.

The folder, though it only had about five pages in it, felt like it weighed ten pounds in his hand.  Dean just looked at Kevin and then back at the folder.

“No,” he answered.  “It’s not.”

Kevin opened his mouth to say something else, but Dean had shoved the file into his bag and walked into the locker room, leaving a somewhat perplexed rookie standing in the corridor.

 


	7. Chapter Seven

**_June 2003_ **

It was graduation day, something Dean thought he would never have been able to say.  Early on, the idea of finishing high school, let alone college had been a distant fantasy.  His father had made it clear that Sam always came first, regardless of what Dean wanted.  It wasn’t until Bobby took them in after John had been arrested that Dean finally realized that, yes, he should be there for Sam, but he didn’t have to sacrifice everything, especially since they finally had a stable home.

The ceremony had just ended and now Dean was getting pictures with Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and Ellen’s twelve year-old-daughter, Jo, whom Dean had really started to like.  Even at such a young age, the girl had a sharp tongue, much like her mother.

“Congratulations,” a gravelly voice spoke from behind the now legal adult.  Bobby and Ellen had just taken Sam and Jo to the car, saying they would meet Dean at home.  The newly graduated student had said he had someone to find.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean gasped and spun around on his heels.  His eyes were wide and he heart thumped loudly in his chest.  “You can’t fucking sneak up on me like that.”  He narrowed his eyes at the boy standing before him.

“My apologies,” Castiel said, though by the smile on his face he was anything but.  “I did not mean to scare you.”

“Yeah, sure you are.”  Dean rolled his eyes and then smirked at his boyfriend.

Castiel returned the smile and glanced around them.  No one was looking—all too busy with themselves and their children.  He quickly grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him from the crowded field and out to the parking lot.

“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Castiel said and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, pulling his head down for a kiss.  The parking lot was essentially empty, save for the cars parked around them.  They didn’t have to worry about prying eyes watching them.

“Thanks Cas,” the older boy mumbled as he pulled away.  “Thank you for everything.” 

Castiel smiled shyly and pulled away from Dean.  It had been a whirlwind year for Dean.  After Cas had kissed him that weekend last June, he was sure their friendship was done.  The kiss had sent him into a panic, resulting in him cutting off all communication with Cas for a week.  It had actually been Sam that gave Dean the kick in the ass he needed to realize that his friendship with Cas was something special and not worth throwing away over a stupid act.

He had gone over to Cas house exactly a week after he stormed out on the boy.  He had been nervous while waiting for Cas to open the door.  He prayed that it was Cas who answered the door.  He was not sure if Cas had told his brother what happened, and if he had would Michael let him talk to his younger brother.  Michael, though Dean had only met him a handful of times, was a complete prick.

Luckily for Dean, Castiel had been the one to answer the door. As soon as he saw his friend, the apology he had thought up was forgotten. Instead of saying the long, carefully planned opening he started with, “I’m an asshole.”

That had gotten Castiel’s attention, who had looked like he was one second away from closing the door in his face. And by the end of his apology, Dean had concluded that Castiel was angel. How easily the boy had forgiven his was something he did not deserve, and yet Cas thought differently.

“You did a lot of it yourself,” Castiel insisted.  “You worked for it.”

“Yeah, but you gave me the kick in the ass I needed.”  And he was right.  Castiel had helped him with his school work.  When John Winchester had returned a couple of months ago, he made it clear that he had did not believe that his son would finish high school.  Words were said and the visit had ended with Bobby kicking John out.  It also had not helped that Cas had been over that day and it hadn’t taken long for John to put together that Dean and Cas were dating.

He could still remember that day, it was one of the first times John actually admitted to believing that Dean was nothing but a failure.  There were also some homophobic slurs that nearly sent Dean off the edge.  He had locked himself in his room for the weekend and had refused to leave until Bobby finally told him to forget John Winchester—that the man had stopped being their father when he left them the first time.  It wasn’t enough for Dean to forget what his father had said, but enough to give him the determination to prove his father wrong.

“I love you,” he murmured and Cas smiled.  Dean was never one to say the big ‘L’ word.  He’d only said it to Sam a couple of times and that was it.  It was so weird to say it to his _boyfriend_ who had only just been his best friend a few months prior.  He hadn’t even said the words to Lisa in the year they had been dating.  In fact, everything he had done with Cas so far, he hadn’t done with his past relationships, at least not as fast.  Everything with Cas just felt natural—felt right.

Their break up had also been a hard time for Dean.  They had been about to celebrate their one year anniversary.  He had planned a special time: dinner out and then to the winter play that Lisa had wanted to see. 

However, the date had started off rocky and ended even worse.  Throughout dinner Lisa had stayed on her phone texting God knows who.  Dean later found exactly who and it had not been the ideal way.  After dinner they had sometime before the play, so they had gone back to Bobby’s and that’s when the date went to hell.  This got a call and made some bullshit excuse about having to leave early.  Dean had been hurt and demanded to know exactly what was happening.  It had taken some coaxing, but Lisa finally confessed that there was someone—had been for three months. 

That was the end of their relationship.  Dean didn’t even bother fighting, for some reason, which he didn’t realize until months later, he wasn’t even heartbroken over the break up.  Sure, he was upset, having been cheated on, but within the month he was back to his normal, carefree, joking self.

“I love you too.” Castiel smiled and grabbed onto the collar of Dean’s gown and pulled his closer.  Their lips met in a deep kiss.  Dean pushed him against the Impala’s passenger side, tugging on the stand of hair at the nape of his boyfriend’s neck, his other hand found purchase on Castiel’s hip.

It had taken a while but by March, after spending so much of his time with Cas, he realized why the kiss all those months ago had freaked him out. Why his break up did not leave him heartbroken, and, dare he say it, almost relieved. It had been an easy conclusion and almost scared him to say it out loud, but when he finally did, it felt right. He had feelings for his best friend. It may not have been love right away, but that had quickly changed as soon as Dean kissed Cas, similarly to the one his friend gave him last June.

“Dean,” Cas nearly whimpered when they broke for air.  “We-we’re still in the parking lot.”  As much as he want continue with the kiss, he had to remember that they were in public and still on school grounds, where many of Dean's former classmates were walking around.

Dean sighed and pulled back. "Later then."  He winked and reached behind Castiel, pulling the passenger door open for him.

He wasn't ashamed of his relationship with Cas, but he wasn't sure how many of his old classmates and friends would react to seeing him with a boy, kissing said boy. Coming out like that was not a desire of his.  If possible, he would prefer to keep it a secret, knowing that not everyone shared the same views on love.

Castiel smiled shyly and got into the car. They were supposed to go meet Bobby, Ellen, Jo and Sam at _The Roadhouse_ in a little less than an hour for a small celebration. Then they were going back to Cas’ place to watch a movie. Conveniently, they would have the place to themselves.  Castiel’s family was away on vacation to Hawaii, having taken their “family bonding trip” (as Castiel called it) a little earlier than usual.  Though it wasn't much of a family trip since most of the times everyone kept to separate areas of the resort.  Somehow, hewas able to convince Michael that he was old enough to stay home for a week.  It may have also helped with the fact that Michael was only half paying attention since Gabriel was trying to make some type of dessert—he didn't even remember, and his brothermight have just knocked the pot off the stove when he asked his question.

Either way, he had the house to himself for the next week and Dean going to be spending the night with him. The idea also made him anxious—what he had planned.  How he was planning to finally give himself to Dean. It wasn’t like he was completely inexperienced though; they hadn't had sex, aside for blow jobs and hand jobs, but they had never gone all the way.

What if Dean rejected him?  The idea was a little crazy, considering on more than one occasion they almost went through with it, but he had gotten nervous and Dean had stopped immediately.  However, even though he knew that Dean had never been with a boy before, his boyfriend still knew what to do and that was and little intimidating and yet thrilling. This time, Castiel was going tonight through with it.

“So?”  Castiel grinned and turned himself to face Dean as the older boy drove. “How does it feel to have graduated?”

Dean gave a look as if to think for a moment before a smile like Cas' spread across his face.  “Feels good to finally be fucking done with that place. Though,”he glanced at Cas and took his hand in his, “I am going to miss you.”

It was one of the downsides to Dean being older. He was now heading off to Queen's College for psycology and then (hopefully) to the New York City Police Academy. 

Dean decided just before his senior year of high school that he wanted to be a cop. Castiel always thought that decision had something to do with Dean’s father, who was arrested _again_ earlier that week for drunk driving. He never asked Dean if it was true, the thought always crossed his mind. Cas still had another year in high school and then, he planned to take psychology at Columbia University, at Michael insistence.  Personally, he’d be happy at Queen’s College with Dean.

“I’m going to miss you too. But it's only a half hour away. We'll still see each other.”  Since Queen’s college was fairly close, Dean would be driving to and from. Even though that meant he'd be around more than if he was to stay on campus, Castiel wasn't naïve to think he'll get to see Dean just as much. They both knew college was going to be a lot more demanding and Dean was going to have to dedicate most of his time to studying.

“Still. I’ll miss not getting to have lunch with you.”  That was another thing that came out of Dean’s break up with Lisa. Though, they had lunch together while Dean was dating the girl, they started to sit alone together. It was like as soon as Dean broke it off with Lisa, so did the friendship with Dick, Hannah and Ava—if you really could call it friendship.

“We could have lunch on Saturday,”Cas offered, stroking his thumb over Dean’s knuckles. “I could become our thing: have lunch together every Saturday. Kind of like ‘date night’.

“I like that idea.”  Dean smiled and turned right onto Bobby’s street. The man’s car was not parked in the driveway, which meant that either he was still with Ellen and Jo or had gone to the garage. 

They got out of the car and walked up the front steps.  Dean had his gown tossed over his arm and the sleeves of his button up were rolled to his elbow, trying to relieve some of the discomfort from the hot June sun.  He unlocked the door, letting Cas go first.

“Do you want something to drink?” Dean asked, walking past Cas and into the kitchen.  “We’ll have to go soon, but-”  He looked at the clock to see that it was quarter to five.

The boy shook his head. “I’m fine. We probably should have just gone right over there.”

Dean tossed his gown over the railing and began to loosen his tie. “Probably, I want to change.”He was uncomfortable in the formal wear, since he was made to wear a suit and a suit was not his usual choice of clothing. Castiel was dressed much simply in a white button-down and black slacks.  They took all the pictures they needed, so Dean wasn't required to keep up his appearance. The Roadhouse also wasn't exactly fine dining; it was Ellen's bar and restaurant.

“I like you dressed like this.”Cas smirked and walked up to Dean, taking the black tie.  “You look really sexy.”

Dean undid the first two buttons of his shirt.  He cocked an eyebrow, as a playful smirk played at his lips.  “Sexy, huh?  Well, maybe I’ll stay like this for another couple of hours.”He moved close to Cas, causing the younger boy to step back.

“Save it for later, Winchester.”He put his hand up to push to Dean back and rolled his eyes.

“Later?”  Dean’s tone rose with interest.

“Don’t push it,” Castiel warned, rolling his eyes again. He tried to sound coy, but nervousness fluttered in him as he thought about what he had planned for tonight. It'd be a huge step in theirrelationship, and for Cas in general. 

Dean chuckled and stepped back. He enjoyed teasing Cas—he either got embarrassed or worked up and it was always entertaining.

“Okay, okay. I wo—shit.”  Dean glanced at the clock. It was now just after five and they were supposed to be at the restaurant for five.  “Let’s go.”He pulled the keys from his pocket, and grabbed Castiel's hand, pulling him out of the house.

The drive to The Roadhouse was a little over ten minutes, considering the got every red light possible.

“It’s your graduation dinner, Dean,”Cas reassured when they stopped at the fourth red light. “I don’t think Bobby or Ellen are going to hold it against you.”

Dean was grumbling about how nothing works right when you’re in a rush. His grip on the wheel was a little too tight and his face was scowling.

“I just hate all this stop and g—aw fuck,”he cursed when they stopped at another red light. 

“Look on the bright side,” Cas tried to smooth his aggravated boyfriend, “We’re almost there.” He pointed to the left where the larger building stood just off the side of the road. Bobby and Ellen's cars were both parking in front of the entrance, along with three other random cars.

“Oh good, you’re finally here.”  Sam sounder relieved when Dean and Cas walked through the door. The lanky fourteen-year-old with shaggy brown hair ran up to Dean, ushering him through the door.

“Hey, hey. Calm down, Sam.”  The younger Winchester started guiding—more like shoving—his brother to a booth near the middle, of the place. Bobby and Ellen were nowhere to be found, though Dean suspected they were probably in the kitchen.

“I’m just trying to move your ass since you two are fifteen minutes late,” Sam retorted and stopped in front of their table.

A moment later, Bobby and Ellen came out of the kitchen. True to Sam’s assumption, they didn't comment on the fact that they were late.

Dinner was a small affair. They all ordered their good, making small talk as they ate. For dessert, Ellen had made an apple pie and blueberry pie.

*****

College was a huge adjustment.  Dean and Cas did their best to talk and see each other as much as possible, but it was becoming increasingly difficult for Dean to find time out of course work and working at Bobby’s garage to pay off the loans.

Cas was understand though.  If Dean had to cancel on him to finish a paper or presentation, he understood.  It hurt sometimes, especially if it happened two or three weeks in a row, but he never held it over him.  Since that night of Dean’s graduation, their sex life had not developed more than a few nights a month, considering it was nearly impossible to get any alone time at Bobby’s.  They began to spend more time at Castiel’s, since Gabriel began to stay in Bostonduring his school breaks and Lucifer was somewhere in the city.  But even with everyone but Michael gone, it was still just as impossible to get any alone time.  If it wasn’t Dean’s schedule conflicting, it was Cas’.

It had been annoying and frustrating.  The first year had gone by quickly.  Castiel, himself was busy with college prep and the SATs.  When summer came, the couple was relieved, finally able to spend more time together.

Things become increasingly difficult when Casdid goto Colombia University for Psychology.  He wanted to go to Queen’s College like Dean, but Michael, being the self-appointed head of house, insisted for Gabriel and Lucifer to go to university, and practically forced Cas to attend Colombia University.   Visits became increasingly difficult, since Cas didn’t have a car and for Dean to make the hour dive was too hard each weekend. Instead, they settled on nightly phone calls and every other weekend Dean would drive up to visit Cas.

The system worked well and by the summer of Dean’s graduation, Cas had enough saved up for a half a year’s rent, so they could get their own apartment in lower Manhattan.  It was his gift to Dean since he was the one who came to him every time they wanted to meet up, every time they hung out and it was at his dorm.  Cas appreciated it and he wanted to prove it to Dean.

“Welcome home,” Dean greeted, standing in the kitchen space, boiling a pot of spaghetti noodles for dinner.  “How was your day?”  Cas had just come home from work.  It was only their third night in the apartment.  Boxes were still waiting to be unpacked. 

Cas dumped his school bag down on the couch and then walked over to Dean.  He pulled a glass from the drying rack, filling it with water.  “Busy.  Tiring.  I just want to lie down and sleep.”

Dean switch the red spoon to his left hand and moved to wrap his arm around Cas.  “Mmm, well you’re home now.  Just relax and I’ll bring you your dinner.”  He leaned over, kissing Cas gently.

“I’m not that incapable, Dean.  I’m a little tired, but I like watching you cook.  It’s so-” Castiel paused, smiling at Dean.  He ran hand though the man’s hair.  “Domestic,” he finished and pulled on Dean’s collar to kiss him again.

“I know you’re not.”  Dean pulled away and smirked.  “But seeing as how you’re the only one working at the moment, I need to pull my weight.  Wouldn’t want you getting tired of me.”  He winked and chuckled when Cas swatted at his shoulder.

“I highly doubt that.  You’re too much fun.  A little irritable at times, but I still love you.”  Cas grabbed Dean’s beer he just set on the counter next to the stove and took a sip, receiving a disapproving look from Dean.  The younger man continued drink before Dean snatched the bottle away.  “You’re the one who bought the beer.” 

Casglanced around the kitchen for another moment, looking for something to do.   “I’m going to go change,” he announced when he realized that Dean almost had everything done.  He just lowered the heat on the stove and the jar of sauce was now opened.

He smacked Dean on the backside, winking and nickering when Dean shied away from his touch.  “Just call me when dinner is ready,” he called over his shoulder before disappearing into their bedroom.

Dean watched as Castiel walked away.  He was lucky.  Castiel was a great guy and he knew he didn’t deserve someone like him, but for some reason, he returned his feelings and now…well now they were living together.  Seeing how far he’d come since high school, it was almost impossible to believe.

In the time Dean had ‘come out’ and began his relationship with Cas, he felt he, himself had changed.  Even after only three years, those three years were some of the best Dean had ever had and it was all thanks to his boyfriend.  The man hadcrashed into his life, and something amazing came out of it. 

*****

It was the middle of July; both men were lying in bed together, exhausted.  Cas had just started working at the local coffee house near his campus, having quit his job at the grocery store.  It wasn’t the best job and the pay was terrible, not to mention he got almost every night shift possible, but the pay was better than the grocery store, especially with the tips.

Since moving in together, things were a little tight when Dean couldn’t find work.  He applied to the NYPD, but until he heard back, he was just looking for something to help support them. 

Tonight, they weren’t talking, just cuddling and letting the sound of the traffic three stories down fill the room.  Cas’ head was resting on Dean’s chest.  He was running his fingers up and down the man’s bare chest, drawing random patterns.  They enjoyed moments like these with each other, where nothing needed to be said, they were just content with each other’s company. 

The past summer had been hectic to say the least.  Besides the money situation and looking for a job, there had been a fall out with John, yet again.  While drunk, John Winchester had managed to wrap his car around another, and finally got himself thrown in jail for longer than a year—nine years to be exact. 

It was only a month since that night they got the phone call from Bobby, and a month since the fallout between Dean and John.  Though they’ve fought before, this one was different, this time John had taken a life with him.

Being in this moment, Dean thought back to what his father had said to him—yelled at him, about his relationship with another man.

“Marry me,” he whispered, breaking the silence between the men.  He was tired of living his life for his father.  He wanted to do something for himself.  Something he would be proud of.

Cas hand stilled and for a second Dean thought the younger man had stopped breathing.

“Cas?”  Dean’s tone was just as quiet.

“Are you serious?”  Cas finally answered, glancing up at Dean with one of the most unreadable expression he had even seen on his face.

He was serious.  The proposal may have been unconventional and not carefully planned out.  But he wanted this with Cas.  He wanted everything with Cas.

“It wouldn’t be legal,” Cas argued and for a moment, Dean felt his heart sink for a moment.  Did Cas not want this?

“I don’t care.”  Dean sat up and looked down at him.  “I just want to make it official.  If that just meant only in one state, hell, let’s still do it.”  He needed to prove to Cas he wanted this and wasn’t just a ‘hey, let’s get married’.  “We’ve been together for three years; we live together.  I Love you.  I want make it official.”

Castiel bit his lip, going over Dean’s words. He wanted to say yes, he really did.  But Michael’s words of ‘don’t rush into anything blind,’ played through his mind.  His brother always preached to go over every possible detail when someone proposed an idea.  There was also the fact that Michael would disapproveof him getting married at twenty, but he needed to remember that he was _twenty_ and his brother didn’t have any control of his life.

“Okay,” he whispered, leaning towards Dean.  “Yes.  I’ll marry you.”

Dean inhaled heavily and looked Cas dead in the eye.  “You mean it?”

He nodded and smiled.  “I do.  I want you too, Dean.  I want to marry you.” 

Dean returned the smile.  He grabbed Cas’ shoulders, pulling the man so he was straddling his lap.  “We’re getting married then.” 

“We’re getting married,” Casechoed before kissing Dean eagerly.  Tonight was for celebrating, tomorrow they would deal with their family.

*****

**_September 2006_ **

“Ready?”  Dean and Cas stood in front of City Hall in Massachusetts.  Bobby, Sam, Ellen and Castiel’s family were all with them.  Today was the day, the day they finally took the biggest step in their relationship.  They had already picked up their license a few days prior and now the day where they took their vows was finally happening.

“So,” Lucifer cleared his throat and the couple turned to him.  “I guess we’ll all just wait out here.”  Only Bobby and Gabriel were going in, as they were both Dean and Castiel’s Best Man and witnesses.  Dean had originally wanted Sam, but his brother couldn’t legally be one at seventeen, so Bobby was stepping in. 

“Yeah, umm, I guess we should go.”  Cas looked at his watch, seeing that they had a little over fifteen minutes before their ‘ceremony’.  He turned towards everyone.  Gabriel was grinning impishly beside Lucifer, while Michael still looked very sour.  He had not been pleased when his brother and Dean announced their engagement.  His first words were actually along the lines of “being too young” and “will only end in divorce.”  However, since Cas was twenty, he had no hold over his youngest brother’s decisions.

“Let’s do this then!” Gabriel exclaimed and smacked Castiel playfully on the arm.  “Let’s get you two fucking married.”  Unlike Michael, Lucifer and Gabriel were looking forward to their little brother’s “wedding”.  Considering that Lucifercouldn’t care less what someone did, as long as he was a part of it and Gabe was mainly looking forward to ridiculing his little brother and future brother-in-law, embarrassing them as much as possible.

“We’ll be here waiting.”  Ellen silenced them and kissed both Cas and Dean on the cheek, wishing them luck.  Jo and Lucifer were next.  Jo gave Cas and Dean each an awkward hug, while Lucifer just teased Castiel about finally stepping up and actually acting like a man, though added that Dean must be the man in the relationship since he proposed.  Michael only gave a curt nod to both Cas and Dean before walking over to Lucifer.  It was awkward and left an uncomfortable silence amongst the group.

“All right, kiddo,” Gabriel spoke up and wrapped his arm around Sam’s shoulder.  “Let’s get this show on the road and get our brothers married.”

Sam rolled his eyes, but let the older—yet shorter—male lead him up the steps with Cas, Dean and Bobby following.

*****

Forty-five minutes later, Cas and Dean came out of the building, signed marriage license in hand and each wearing a gold band.

Before they had gone into the room Sammy hugged both Dean and Cas, which was probably an interesting sight since the seventeen-year-old was now as tall as his older brother, and a couple of inches taller than Cas.   He told Dean how much he loved him and was so glad he found someone like Cas.  He then told Cas that he was glad to get to call him part of the family and how much he makes his brother a better person.

There wasn’t much of a celebration after.  They took a few pictures and then Michael took them out for lunch—their wedding present, which Gabriel muttered something about “could have given something better,” considering Michael was some executive at a corporate company in Boston.

By seven Dean and Cas were back in the Impala, making the three and a half hours drive back to Manhattan. Dean had to head back to the academy, having called in sick today, while Castiel skipped school.  Gabriel and Lucifer drove back together and Sam had decided to ride home with Bobby, Jo and Ellen, giving his brother and new husband some time alone.

“How do you feel?” Cas asked, as soon as they pulled onto the highway. As happy as he was, and he was pretty sure Dean felt the same, they hadn't had a moment alone since before Dean and he picked Sam up from Bobby’s. Dean had wanted to ride with his baby brother one last time like they used to. Though, they assured Sam that nothing significant would change after they married, it was still something Dean wanted to do, so Cas was more than happy to sit in the backseat for Sam.

“I’m fucking great.”  Dean reached over and took Castiel's hand, idly playing with Cas’ ring before bringing his hand up, kissing his knuckles. “New York may not recognize us as married, but I’m fucking ecstatic to have a piece of paper to say we're at least married somewhere.”

“Hopefully one day.”  Castiel turned and looked at Dean—his husband. It felt so weird think about that. They had only said the words once, back at City Hall.

“Hmm.  That would be nice. But all I care about right now is getting to call you my husband.  And the special perks that come with the title.” Dean winked at Cas as he rolled his eyes at the flirty tone his _husband_ used.

“Who says you're getting any?  It may be our wedding night, but I still have school tomorrow, and so do you.  We had a long drive and I think it's best if we went to bed early.”  It was fatuous excuse. Cas had said it to tease the older man, but they both knew exactly how the night would end.

“Now I like the direction you’re heading, bed. Though I disagree about sleeping. We’re clearly not going to get much sleep tonight.” He smiled suggestively, causing Cas blush lightly at the man's innuendo, something that only he could cause.

They got home just before eleven. Both men were now eager to get to the... Best part of their day.  On the last half hour of their drive, Dean had gotten very grabby. His fingers started tracing light patterns on Cas’ thigh, slowly moving higher and higher. Cas had to swat his hand away before it got to close to a specific area. He was also feeling the urge, but since Dean was driving, he was still reasonable enough to not try and distract his obviously very eager husband.

The walk up the stairs was interesting. What should had only been a short, two minute walk up three flights of stairs, turned into a ten minute struggle with needy kisses between each flight. The building they lived in was small, only five storys high and six units per floor. The apartments were nothing bigger that a combined kitchen and living room, a bedroom and a bathroom. It was squishy and not very accommodating for more than two people. Dean's job with the NYPD and the money Castiel earned from his job at the coffee house were the only reasons they could afford the place.  It was overpriced for the size, but it was their own place and they were happy with it, even if it meant one had to do homework in the living room while the other used the bedroom.

As soon as they got through their door—having the decency to wait before they attacked each other—Dean pushed Cas against the door.  

He practically purred before sealing his lips over Castiel’s.  The younger man’s arms wrapped around Dean’s neck while his hands found purchase on Cas’ hips, using the belt loops to pull him closer.

The kiss started out slow and sweet, which quickly turned heated.  Dean’s hips pushed against Castiel’s, lightly grinding against him. 

“Dean,” Cas mumbled, pulling away.  “Bedroom.  Now.”  He pushed him back.

They stumbled from the door towards the bedroom, clothes dropping to the floor in their wake.  Dean had just pushed Castiel’s shirt from his shoulders when Castiel pulled at his tie.

“Eager, aren’t we?” Cas teased, pulling away from his lover’s lips.  His fingers found the white buttons of Dean’s shirt and quickly pushed each one through the holes, revealing more and more tanned skin.

“Just want to be with my _husband_.”  Dean smirked and shrugged off his shirt once Cas finished with the buttons.

Cas kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks, carelessly tossing them to the floor.  His hands went to his belt, but was stopped by Dean’s hands.

Wordlessly, Dean pulled at the buckle and slipped the leather from around the other man’s waist.  He made quick work of Cas’ pants and pulled his cock from his boxers.  He dropped to his knees and took him in one go.  He sucked around the hardening flesh, pulling a strangled groan from Cas’ lips.

“D-De-” Cas cut off when Dean swirled his tongue around his head.  “Shit, Dean.”  His fingers tangled in his lover’s hair, pulling roughly on the ends.  His grip may have been a little too tight, but Dean didn’t seem to notice.  The man’s mouth was warm and wet around him; and perfect.

Dean felt his pants tighten at Cas’ moans.  He ran his tongue along his lover’s length, catching the beads of pre-come as they leaked from the man’s dick.  His hands grabbed at Cas’ ass, pulling him closer.  He lazily pulled up, dragging his tongue against the underside.  

“Dean, please.  I need you,” he panted.  He didn’t want to come like this and it seemed like that was Dean’s intention.  He wanted Dean to be in him—making love to him.

The older man pulled off with a lewd ‘pop’ and smirked up at Cas before standing up. 

“Whatever you say, baby,” he whispered and placed a soft kiss below his husband’s ear.

Castiel pulled down his boxers, letting them pool around his feet as Dean pulled off his own pants and underwear, having already taken off his shoes and socks.

“Dean,” Cas said softly as his eyes travelled up and down Dean’s body, darkening with lust.  “Please.”  The younger man was then pushed back.  He let out a yelp of surprise when Dean crawled over him, peppering his skin with light kisses.

He reached into the nightstand drawer, pulling out the bottle of lube.  The snap of the cap echoed around the almost quiet room.  Cas was breathing harder, anticipating Dean’s next move as he coated his fingers.

His breath hitched when a finger circled around his hole.  Slowly, Dean’s finger pushed forward, groaning at the feeling of Cas’ tight heat.  His groans mixed with Cas’ as the dark-haired male let out a low moan.

“More, Dean.  Come on.”  Castiel hissed when Dean added a second finger and began to move them in and out.  Castiel rutted against the movement, sighing out Dean’s name and little pleas of ‘more’ and ‘oh, God’. 

A third finger pushed in, pulling a long whine from Cas.  “Fuck, Dean.  I’m ready.  Come on; I’m ready.”

Dean’s fingers brushed over Castiel’s prostate, causing the man to arch up and grind down onto Dean’s fingers. 

“You’re ready, huh?”  Dean’s tone was light and teasing.  A smug smirk pulled at his lips when Castiel whined as he hit his prostate again.

“Yes, Dean.  Fuck, don’t be a prick.”  Dean laughed at his husband’s desperate tone.  He was soon cut off when Cas wrapped a hand around his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.  “Now.”

Cas was flushed and a thin layer of sweat had begun to form on his tan skin.  Whether it was from winding Cas up or the heat, Dean didn’t know.

He slid his fingers out, pulling a groan of protest from Castiel.  He wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, the man’s cock brushed over his hole.

“I love you,” Dean whispered, placing a brief kiss to Castiel’s lips before pushing in.  He groaned at the feeling of being in the man once again.  He was tight and warm.  Sex with Cas was always great, but right now, it was… Different.  Dean let out a heavy breath, taking a minute to control himself and for Cas to adjust.

Castiel’s hands flew to Dean’s back, his fingers gripping onto his shoulders.  He shifted his hips, letting Dean know he was ready.  He started placing kisses to Dean’s shoulder, working up his neck and to his lips. 

“Dean,” he gasped as Dean began to rock, setting a slow and tender pace.  "O-ooh, Dean," he whined, hands raking up and down the man’s back. 

Their foreheads pressed together, both panting, slowly building up speed.  Dean’s breath tickled over Castiel’s face. 

“Cas, so beautiful,” he marveled, pulling back to get a better look of his lover’s face.  Castiel’s skin was a light pink, hair was falling over his eyes, damp from the sweat.  He eyes shined up at Dean with love and passion.

“I-I’m close, Dean.  I-I’m-” he cut off, wrapping a hand around his cock, pumping in time with Dean’s thrusts.

Dean's thrusts increased paced, but were still slow and gentle.  He brushed over Castiel’s prostate every other thrust, causing him to gasp and sigh little praises. 

“C-Cas, baby.   I’m gonna-”  He buried his head in Castiel’s neck as the man underneath him arched his back, letting out a soft cry of ‘oh, God’ and ‘Dean’ as he came, spilling over his hand and chest.

Dean thrust a couple more times, letting Cas ride out his pleasure before finally letting his orgasm wash over him.  “Cas,” he groaned before falling next to Cas, curling around his body.

*****

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean sighed and turned on his side, pulling Cas to him.  They were both sticky with sweat from their second round, and though it was a little uncomfortable as their skin rubbed together, it was right.  They were finally together and no matter what his father had to say about it, Cas was his forever.

“Mmhmm,” Castiel managed to get out.  His eyes were closed; he was exhausted. He knew they should move and get cleaned up before both of them fell asleep.  It was two in the morning and Dean had to get up for seven to head back to the academy.

About ten minutes later Dean sat up, wordlessly dragging Cas over to the bathroom to take a shower.  They were both too tired to do anything besides just washing each other. 

*****

“I love you,” Castiel whispered.  He was nowfreshly cleaned, and wrapped in Dean’s embrace, his head rested on Dean’s bicep.  The sheets were pooled at their hips.  For a September evening, it was unusually hot.  The ceiling fan was going gently, blowing a saft breeze over the couple, as was the light air from the open window.  “You don’t know how happy I am right now.”

Cas’ left hand trailed over the tattooDean had on the left of his chest, just below his collarbone.  He and Sam had gotten matching ones back in May once Sam turned seventeen.  Cas didn’t understand the meaning behind it. The youngest Winchester had tried to explain it, but it was really something between the brothers.

“I love you, too.”  Dean kissed Castiel’s forehead and stroked his thumb over his spine.  He was replaying today’s events in his head, thinking about how _he_ was finally getting what he wanted.  He never got what he wanted, not freely, there was always some condition attached.  He should be weary, but right now he just wanted to live in the moment. There weren’t any more sacrifices he had to make on behalf of his father. 

Everything his father had said didn’t matter.  He still had Cas and he wouldn’t have to face his father’s disappointment.If he was lucky he wouldn’t be seeing his father for a long time, and by then, they wouldstill be happily married and in love.  No matter what John Winchester said, it wouldn’t change anything.  He would love Castiel Novak until the end.


	8. Chapter Eight

“Calmly approach him,” Castiel instructed as Dean and he walked over to a teen male. “Let me do the-”

“Hey.”  Dean ignored Castiel’s voice and called out to get the kid’s attention.

The kid jumped and stared wide-eyed at the two officers moving towards him.  He didn't hesitate for long before he took off down the sidewalk.

Castiel and Dean both groaned—for completely different reasons.

“Damn it, Dean!”  Castiel’s voice was a growl as he ran past his partner, chasing after the kid.

Dean quickly followed, easily keeping up with his partner's speed.

The kid ran down three blocks before entering Tompkins Square Park.

"Watch it!" Cas barked as the teen threw his backpack directly in Dean's way. The man barely dodged it, but not without stumbling a bit.  He regained his pace and soon Cas was throwing another order at him.

“Get his left.”  Cas swerved, nearly missing a metal fence as the kid changed directions.

The teen, whom Cas and Dean were chasing after, had stolen a few video games from a shop. 

“Fuck, since when did kids become so fucking fast,” Dean grunted, keeping pace with Cas, but still a couple of metres off from the boy.  For a teen only a few inches shorter than Dean _and_ Cas, he certainly was putting up a challenge.

“Dean, take his left,” Cas ordered again, since his husband didn’t seem to have “heard” him the first time.

“Really?  All this for a few plastic discs?”  Dean passed Cas, who had slowed down to avoid colliding with a metal bench.

Hedidn’t listen to Cas’ demand and instead kept on the boy’s right.  He nearly got a hold on the teen’s arm, but at the last second the kid turned left and hopped over a fence, landing in a long stretch of trees and grass.

“Shit.”  He let out a low growl.  He had to skid to a stop and turn around, jumping over the fence a few metres away.  He turned to his left, trying to spot Cas, but couldn’t get a proper glance without completely stopping.  Up ahead, he caught a flash of blue on the other side of the fence.  Suddenly the kid was face down on the stone pathway.

“I told you to get his left,” Cas scolded and looked up at Dean as he patted down the delinquent.  He sounded out of breath and his sunglasses were slipping down his nose.  He didn’t wait for a reply before he gave another order.  “Just get his backpack.”  He cocked his head back to the path where the boy had thrown it.

Dean huffed and stepped back onto the stone walkway.  He picked up the black bag and led the way back to the squad, which was almost four blocks away.

“Do you ever listen to me?  Or is there some part of your brain that insists you must defy me?”  Cas led the boy—Dylan as they had found out when Dean asked him his name. 

“Jesus, calm down.”  Dean grumbled to himself.  He did not want to have this argument in front of an arrested teenager.  They were supposed to be professional, not two kids arguing because the other wouldn’t “play nicely”.  “I don’t have to take orders from you.  Just drop it.”

The younger officer thinned his lips into a hard line.  Dean wasn’t sure, but he was willing to bet that Cas was glaring daggers at him behind the tinted lenses.

“Just get in the car, Dean.”  He turned away from his partner and opened the door for Dylan.

“Yo, Frank and Marie! Shut up.”  Apparently the kid thought he was being funny—even had a smug grin plastered over his face.

“That’s a fucking TV show,” Dean rebuked. 

“Yeah, and you two act just like them, except it’s not as cute.”  Dylan then winked at Dean, just as Cas shoved the boy into the car.  Fucking bastard.

“And yet you’re the one in the back of the car.”  Dean snorted, amused that Cas seemed to have some sense of humour.

Once Dylan was seated in the backseat and Castiel had shut the door, Dean walked around the car.

“I’m driving.”  He was only vaguely aware of Cast muttering a ‘whatever you want’.

*****

“Officer Novak, Winchester.”  Aiden stood up from the desk and greeted the older officers politely.

“Officer.”  Dean smirked and led Dylan over to the Desk.  The drive hadn’t been eventful.  The kid tried to make conversation, making other remakes about how the two officers quarreled, but neither officer entertained him.

“This is Dylan Theo,” Cas relayed the information they had collected.  He lifted the kid’s backpack and huffed in frustration.  He was vaguely aware of Dean’s amused smirk as he watched him. 

It irritated him that his husband could be so smug when _he_ was the one who almost let the kid get away.

“Got a problem, Dean?” Cas snapped and turned to the man and delinquent.  Dean’s eyebrows rose significantly and the kid smiled, seemingly more interested in the situation now.

“Castiel?  Is everything okay?”  Aiden stood behind the desk with a worried expression, not entirely sure what was happening.  He never saw Dean and Cas’ work dynamic before.  Was this what most of the officers talked about?

“I-” 

“Ignore him,” Dean chuckled, speaking up on Cas’ “behalf”.  “He’s just pissed because I didn’t let him drive.”

The dark-haired man gritted his teeth.  There were a number of insults on the tip of his tongue, but he willed them down, anyone of them weretoo crude and unprofessional. Instead, he took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.

“You know what?”  He turned to Dean, his tone was eerily calm and his face was relaxed.  “You finish processing him.” 

He gently placed the man’s belongings on the desk and walked over to the door without a second glance at Dean or Aiden.

Anyone else who just witnessed the dispute would just think Cas was keeping professional and taking the high road, but Dean knew the man, and he knew that tone meant he was pissed and this was not the end of it.  _Bring it on._

*****

“I told you to watch your right,” Castiel snapped and shoved Dean, against the wall. Their faces hovered inches apart. “But you never fucking listen to me. You just drown me out.”

Dean growled, but was cut off by Cas’lips, hungrily and demandingly sucking on his, pushing his tongue into his mouth. The kiss was not loving or gentle in the slightest.

Dean growled again into the kiss. He grabbed Cas’ hips tightly and pushed the man back into the other wall.

Cas’ hand grabbed the man’s face roughly, while his other tugged on Dean's shirt collar.

He let Dean have the upper hand for the moment before pushing back, knocking him against their bedroom door.  He pressed himself againsthim, feeling his husband's hard body and erection against him.

He moved his hand from Dean’s face and to his collar.  Using both hands on the fabric, he led the taller man to the bed; the kiss never once breaking.

He lifted the fabric up and over Dean’s head and took advantage of his moment of distraction to push him back.

Dean didn’t realize what Cas was doing until he felt two firm hands press on his chest, and a second later his was flat on his back on the bed with watching his husband still standing.

Cas pulled at his own shirt, yanking the black garment over his head. “You’re an arrogant, self-righteous prick, Dean Winchester.”

“Fuck you!” Dean growled, sitting up on his elbows, glaring as his husband kneeled in front of him on the bed.  He didn't need this. As arousing as Cas being all demanding was, he was not going to take the verbal abuse even though...he kind of deserved it.

Castiel just chuckled darkly and pushed Dean back against the mattress. “No, Dean,”he growled lowly. “I’ll be fucking you.”  It was a cheesy line, but neither man decided to comment on it. “It’s been a while since I've taken you. You need to learn to listen.”

“Fuck off, Cas,” Dean growled. “Like I’ll willingly give it up to y-”he was silenced by a pair of rough lips pressed hard against his own. Castiel had straddled his lap, pushing him flat against the mattress.

He struggled for a moment. He was not about to be Castiel’s bitch. The man was too smug from earlier as it was.

Cas moved his mouth to Dean's neck, sucking at the smooth flesh. He scrapped his teeth lightly, feeling his husband shiver under him.

“Jesus, Cas. Not so fucking aggressive. Do you want to leave a mark?”  Dean pushed Cas back, but he grabbed his arms and held them to his side. He continued his assault with less aggression.

“Happy?” he grunted and began to pull at Dean’s shirt.

Dean pressed up against him, trying to regain control; he was not going to give up easily.

He cupped Cas' face and dragged theirmouths back together.  He nipped at his partner’s lips, pulling the plump flesh between his teeth.  Cas moaned, but pulled back.  He sat up and tugged at Dean’s jeans, pushing the button through the hole.  He tugged the zipper down and (with a little help from Dean) removed Dean’s pants and boxer-briefs.

He reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube from the drawer.  He popped the cap open and coated his fingers.  He pressed a slicked up finger to Dean's hole. The man shivered at the cool touch, and quickly, but steadily, he slipped his finger in Dean.

Cas’ hand was steady and gentle as he worked Dean open. As pissed off as he was, he wasn’t about to cause Dean any pain.

By the timehe had three fingers pumping and working Dean open, the older man was grunting, taunting Cas to do “better”.  Cas fingers brushed past his prostate for the third time in the row, cutting off whatever insult that had been about to fall from Dean's lip with a “fuck, Cas”.

Cas smirked vindictively and pulled out.  Dean swore and glared at him.  He stood up, finally removing his own jeans and boxers.  His cock sprang free, standing fully erect, tip glistening with pre-come.

“What the hell?  You gonna leave meon the fucking edge?”Dean watched Cas raised his eyebrows and crawl over him.

He settled himself between Dean’s legs and teasingly rubbed his tip over Dean's hole.  This was his payback.

The older man bucked up, trying to gain more… Anything.  He hated it, but he was done with Cas’ teasing and just wanted his husband to fuck him.

“Come on, Cas. I thought you were going to tea-” Dean was cut off with a loud moan as his husband thrust into him without any warning, pushing him up against the pillows.

Castiel stilled for a second, more for his sake than Dean's. He pulled back and pushed in again, starting a quick and hard pace.

“Fuck, Dean.”He gritted his teeth.  "You infuriate me. Do—do you know how—Jesus," he cried when Dean tipped his hips up, taking Cas in deeper.

The older man chuckled but it quickly turned into a sharp cry when Casgrabbed at his hair, pulling his head back to expose more of his neck.  Cas latched his mouth onto the spot from earlier, paying no heed to Dean’s broken pants of “not there”.  If he left a mark, then so be it, Dean would just have to deal with it.

The pace had also changed.  Castiel’s thrusts were now slow and deep as he moved within Dean. 

Dean removed one hand from Castiel’s shoulders, where they had moved as soon as Cas had entered him, and grabbed a handful of his hair.  He hadundoubtingly left scratch marks all over his husband’s back; an eye for an eye.  Cas wasn’t being careful, so he wouldn’t either.

He tugged on the hair at the nape of his neck.  The dark-brown tufts were longer than usual, making them stick out in random directions.  He needed a haircut, but Dean wasn’t going to be the one to point that out.

“You’re too cocky,”Cas warned, pulling out of Dean. He whined, but Cas, forcefully turned him onto his stomach. Hesettled between Dean's thighsand pushed back in, filling him in one hard thrust.

“Shit!” he cried out when Cas hit that spot, and arch against his husband’s chest. 

Cas slipped an arm around Dean chest, keeping him pressed against him. His right hand gripped the headboard.

“You never listen,” Cas whispered harshly.  His breath was coming in short pants.  A few beads of sweat trailed down his forehead.

His thrusts were fast and hard, and the sound of skin slapping on skin echoed around the room.  The bedframe rattled and banged against the wall.  Castiel was only somewhat aware that they were probably disturbing their neighbour, unless they were lucky and Amie was working the nightshift at the hospital.  Either way, they would find out later.

Dean’s cries were muffled by the pillow.  His hands gripped the blankets underneath him.  “Fu-fuck, Cas.  Is-is t-hat the best you go—fuck!”  His taunts stirred something in Cas. 

The man angled his hips, striking Dean’s prostate over and over.

Dean knuckles were turning white.  A trail of sweat ran down his spin. Cas’ chest rubbed against him; their skin was slick, making it easy to slide together.

Castiel moaned into Dean’s shoulder, biting down on the flesh.  It left behind an angry red mark, but Dean was too far gone to feel the pain.

“So—so close, Cas.  Fuck.  Harder, baby.  Y-you said I need to learn a-”Dean broke off into a grunt, burrowing his head into the pillow and then threw it back, eyes clenched shut.  He was so close and Cas’ thrusts weren’t even faltering.

Castiel pulled at Dean’s hair, keeping his head back as his own rested his on Dean’s shoulder.  His arm had begun to tire from holding the headboard.  He moved the limb back to his husband’s side and placed his hand over Dean’s, slipping his fingers between his.

“Unn-gh, Cas.”  Dean moved a hand underneath him trying to relieve the building pressure in his cock.  His pushed his hips up into Cas, giving himself better access to his cock, wrapping a hand around the base.

Cas cursed; he was close and judging from his husband’s groans, he was too. 

His eyes were closed, head still resting on Dean’s shoulder.  He felt that familiar tightness in the base of his stomach.  His cock twitched within Dean.

Dean jacked himself off fast.  His thumb smeared the pre-come, slicking the head up.  He felt Cas’ thrusts falter, slowing for a moment.  He moved his hand in time with his husband.

“Jesus, Cas.  Almost there.  Fuck, I’m co-coming!”  He let out a straggled cry as come shot out, covering his hand and the bed sheets under him.  They would need to change them before going to bed, but that wasn’t his concern at the moment. 

He was only vaguely aware of Cas grunting out his name before he felt him fill him, giving a couple of shallow thrusts, riding out his release.

“D-Dean,” Cas whispered, pulling out and falling to Dean’s right. 

Dean felt a trickle of come run down his thighs.  With his last remaining strength, he rolled over from his mess and collapsed onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

“Shit,” Dean mumbled after a few minutes. His heart was still racing and he was too tired to move. Cas remained motionless, lying very still except for the fast rise and fall of his chest. The room was muggy and sticky from the hot July night, but they hardly noticed as it did nothing more to their already heated flesh.

“Yeah,” was the other man’s “intelligent” response.  His heart thundered loudly in his ears

“If this is the new punishment for not listening to you, I should do it more often.”  He turned his head and gave Castiel a cocky smirk.  “It’s lot more appealing than getting thrown through the wringer.”

The dark-haired man let out a flat chuckle. 

After they cleaned up and stripped the bed, they laid in bed, both clad in only a pair of clean boxers.  Cas had put the ceiling fan on, but the air was still sticky and uncomfortable.  Dean was on his side, facing Cas.  He was almost pressed to his side, but kept an inch or two between them.

“Why do you never listen to me?” Cas’ voice broke the silence that had settled over them, save for the low hum of the fan.  “If it’s not going against my orders, you just argue with me.”

Dean stared up at the ceiling, watching the blades move around, blurring together.  Cas had asked him that question before.  Most of the times Castiel ignored his actions—it had become part of their routine.  But every so often Dean would do something that caused his husband to demand to know why he acted this way.

When Dean didn’t answer, Castiel continued.  “Seriously, Dean, we are like two of the worse partners ever.  Sooner or later we are going to end up back in Crowley’s office.”  It had been that type of arguing that led to the car getting vandalized. 

“Calm down, Cas.  It’s not like one of us is going to end up killed.  I’ve been with 23 for almost eight years and I’ve never been shot at.”  Dean propped himself up on his elbow so he was looking down at Cas.

“Don’t be so sure, Dean.  You’re too impetuous.  I’m just saying, we can’t always be like this: pissing each other off at work and fucking out our frustration at home.  We don’t even act like a married couple any more.  And you know Sam’s getting suspicious because you hardly visit him with me.”

Dean rolled his eyes and dropped back down onto the bed.  “Is this your vague way of asking to come with me when I visit Sam this Thursday?”

“This isn’t about Sam,” the man seethed and sat up so _he_ was the one looking down at Dean.  “This is-”

“You’re the one who brought up Sam.  If this didn’t have anything to do with him then why di-”

Castiel groaned and turned around to the edge of the bed.  “You’re so fucking insufferable,” he groaned and got up, walking out of the room.  And just like that, the conversation was over.  Castiel hadn’t gotten anywhere and that was because Dean couldn’t take anything seriously anymore.

Dean laid alone in the bed.  He could hear Cas in the other room.  The was a soft ‘thud’ which he suspected was Cas lying down on the couch; they each had each spent their fair share of nights on the cushioned seat.

Damn, he just had to push it.  Why the fuck was it so enjoyable to rile him up?   Most of the time it wasn’t clear.

Except Dean knew exactly why he did it; why he purposely did the opposite of what his husband wanted.  He knew he was difficult most of the time—hell, Cas could be too and that’s why they clashed so much.  It wasn’t like he enjoyed it.  Okay, maybe a little, but this was something he had control off, and that’s what he needed right now.  He didn’t want to admit the truth yet.

*****

Dean had stepped out of the elevator to the parking garage. The Impala was easily spotted from the lift in the sea of Toyotas and Hondas. He walked over to his spot, expecting to see the spot next to his car empty; he gave Cas a fifteen minute start.

“What the hell are you still doing here?”  Dean saw Cas leaning against the passenger side of his Prius, arms and legs crossed. He had a scowl on his face, probably matching Dean's own.

“Car won’t start,” was all Cas said before pushing off the vehicle and walking over to Dean.

“I’ll look at it later.”  Dean brushed past his husband and over to the Impala. He knew it was a dick move, he knew what Castiel was asking.

“I need a ride, Dean,” the man huffed and crossed his arms across his chest.

“Then take the subway.”  They both knew that wasn't going to work.  The subway would take close to thirty minutes, while the station was only fifteen minutes away.  “We have a rule, remember?”  Dean rubbed at his neck, subconsciously over the markCas left the other night. The _other_ rule his husband had broken. Two in less than thirty-six hours.

Casscoffed amusedly.  “And how many rules did you break on Christmas last year?” he challenged, and smirked when Dean huffed.

“Just get in.”  He gestured with his hand, keys jangled from the motion.

*****

“You can just drop me off here. I’ll walk the rest of the way.” Cas pointed to the side of the road where a red Yaris just pulled out from. They just turned left onto Pitt St., two blocks away from 23.

“And say what if someone asks?”  Dean drove past the spot he had pointed to.

Castiel turned to face Dean and smirked impishly. “I took the subway.  And you’re gonna have to let me out now; the stations on this street.”

“It’s fine, Cas.  We’re already here.”  He pulled up to the station, driving past a line of cars and looking for a space.

Dean quickly pulled into an empty spot.  Castiel unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face Dean.

“I’ll wait at the corner of Ridge and Broome after shift that way no one will see us.” 

“Or just wait for me.  If anyone asks we’ll just come up with some bullshit excuse.”  Dean shrugged; he already gave Castiel a ride, so it wouldn’t matter if he did it again.

“Okay.”  Cas opened the door and got out, stepping into the cool July afternoon.  He was about to close the door when Dean called out.

“Oh, and Cas?”  The younger man leaned back into the car.  “Next time, be more aware of...”  He pointed to his neck where a dark red mark peeked over the collar of his shirt.

Cas just smiled and shrugged.  “Next time, actually listen to me and I’ll listen to you.”  He slammed the door shut and walked off.  He barely missed Charlie, who was walking over in the opposite direction.

*****

Dean pulled at his collar for the second time in five minutes. Damn, Cas. The mark was _just_ visible abovethe fabric. No one would really notice unless they were standing right next to him, which—fuck…

“What's that?”  Charlie poked at Dean's neck. He almost forgot she was standing next to him.  He swatted her hand away, but she didn’t care.  “Did someone finally get lucky?” She teased.  The joke among their small group of friends was that Dean's sex life was drier than the Sahara. Back when they were first married, Dean had been quiet vocal about if they had had an... Enjoyable night.  Though he never once let on that it was Cas he was taking to bed.

Dean huffed and turned to Charlie with a bored expression. “Don’t you have someone else to bug?  A partner, maybe?”

“Sadly I do,” Charlie sighed dramatically. She spotted Chuck, whom she wanted to talk to. “I must go find him.  Later, Winchester.”  She smacked Dean's shoulder and chased after.

“Hey, Chuck!” 

Dean shook his head and walked off to his desk. He wasn't partnered with Cas today, which was a good sign of how today was going to go.

*****

“You know, Cas had a bunch of scratch marks on his back,” Chuck commented as he and Charlie watched the two officers in question walk around the room.

Charlie had just been telling him about Dean’s “suspicious” mark and the fact that he seemed a little more relaxed. That information about Dean had reminded Chuck earlier about Cas’ more mellowed out attitude.

“You don’t think they finally decided to fuck it out?  Do you?”

Charlie contemplated the officer’s theory.  Just as the man had spoken, Dean and Cas crossed their path.  Theysimultaneouslynodded to each other as they passed.

Maybe Chuck was right. Everyone around the two officers could see the sexual tension between them. It was painfully obvious to everyone who was not Cas or Dean.

“You know, I kind of missed it, but I could have sworn I saw Cas get out of Dean's car this morning.”  Charlie shrugged her shoulders and made a face as if to say ‘could be’.  “If so, who wins the bet?”

“Whoa, we’re not jumping that far. Remember the rule?  We need actual proof. This could purely be-”. Chuck stopped when Castiel walked up to them.

“Are you ready to go?”  He stopped in front of Charlie. “I have the keys, so whenever you're want-”

Charlie smiled innocently and nodded eager.  “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”  She wrapped her arms around the officer and led him down the hall, giving Chuck a second glance, who smiled and gave her a thumbs up. 


	9. Chapter Nine

Dean sat across Sam in the booth, glancing down at the menu even though he already knew what he was going to get. 

It was the first Saturday of August.  Dean had the day off, much to his enjoyment.  Cas was over at Gabe’s.  He wanted an opinion on some keynote presentation he was doing next week.  Anyway, he practically called every five minutes last night until Castiel finally agreed to meet him for lunch.

Sam and Dean were at a bar and grill on the west side of Manhattan, mainly because they were at Sam’s favourite place and this lunch was for him.

A young blonde, most likely a college student falling into the cliché of waiting tables while trying to not drown in her student debt, led them to a booth off to the side of the bar.

They each ordered a beer before she walked off.  The restaurant wasn’t too busy for a Saturday afternoon.  There were a couple of tables filled with university students off to the left.

“So,” Dean spoke up as soon as they ordered their drinks.  “Congratulations you big nerd.  Now you can swap being a pain in my ass about the exam to being an even bigger pain in my ass as you wait for November.”

Sam rolled his eyes and picked up his beer.  “Jeez, thanks.  I forgot how connected with your feelings you could be.”  Sam just finished writing his bar exam Wednesday, so today was sort of a celebration until he got his result, and then they would have a real party. 

“Aw, come on, Sammy, you know I’m proud of you.  And I know you’re going to pass, if all the time you spent melting down over studying is any indication.”  Dean started chuckling while Sam shot him a ‘bitch face’, as he had dubbed it.

“Let’s see you pull through seven years of school.  If I remember correctly, it was Cas who kicked your ass through high school and college.”  The younger man smirked when his brother’s only response was a glare.

“Yeah, yeah.”  Dean waved his hand about.  Though, he couldn’t deny that Cas was a major reason why he graduated high school with the grades he did.  In college it was more giving him the push he needed to finish writing an essay or study for a test.  He wouldn’t tell Sam that those ways resulted insome very explicit scenarios.

The waitress came with their food while Sam was in the middle of explaining what he’d be doing at the law firm in the meantime.

“I won’t be working on large cases, but I’ll get to supervise.”  He smiled as he forked at his salad.  Finally, after so many years of stressful tests, papers, exams and sleepless nights, his hard work was paying off.

“So you’re basically someone’s servant.”  Dean let out a chuckle, though his brother didn’t look amused.

“Really, Dean?  Do you always have to make a joke out of everything I get excited about?” he asked in an annoyed tone.  He scoffed when his brother just gaveanother shrug of his shoulders and took a long pull from his beer.  “Remind me to act like that the next time a promotion or some shit comes up at your work.”

The older Winchester shifted and cleared his throat.  Benny was the other reason he had asked Sam to come out for lunch.  His friend had texted him last night, reminding him that applications were now being accepted. 

“What?”  Sam quirked an eyebrow and eyed his brother suspiciously; Dean wanted to talk.  “Is there some…?” he trailed off.

Dean rolled his tongue along his cheek, trying to figure out how to start off the conversation.  It could either go okay or end in a fight like last time. 

He broke the news about his interest in going undercover while Sam had been studying for his first law exam a little over three years ago.  He had been pissed, not liking the idea of his brother disappearing for God knows how long.  But it was mainly because his brother ruined all chancesfor to him get any studying done for the rest of the night.

“Benny came to me,” Dean began ambiguously, picking at his fries.  Sam knew Benny from the last time he hinted at wanting to go undercover.

Sam took a large pull from his beer before putting the glass down.  “Okay, I’ll bite.  What did he want this time?”  Even though he had a faint idea, he knew his brother wanted to announce the news.

“They’re putting together another operation.  Sometime in January.”  Dean picked up his burger, taking a large bite out of it.  Sam just stared down at his chicken, trying to figure out exactly how to approach this.  “Benny offered to put my application into the finalround if I decided.  I mean, I’m not guaranteed the position, but I’d make it through thehard parts.”

“Is this what you want to do?” Sam broke the silence after a few minutes of thinking.  He didn’t know something like this still interested Dean.  After the first failed attempt his brother never talked about undercover again.

Dean shrugged.  “If Benny offered I’d consider it.”

The younger Winchester nodded; his lips were pressed into a hard line.  He still was against Dean working in the Organized Crime Division, but if his brother really wanted this than he’d stand by him.

“And have you talked to Cas about this?”  It was the question of interest.  Usually Dean made rash decision without telling anyone, but this was leaving his life behind for a month, maybe even more. 

“What, no,” Dean scoffed.  “Do you think I’m an idiot? I’m not gonna tell Cas… Yet,” he added when he saw Sam’s unimpressed expression.  It was a poor attempt at humour and the younger man wasn’t falling for it.

“Dean.”  His tone was warning.  “I’m being serious.  If you actually want this you’re going to have to talk to Cas about this.”

“I know,” Dean snapped.  “I’ll tell him, just not now.  I want to make sure this is happening; no need to worry the man with something that may not happen.”

“’The man’?” he questioned.  “Dude, he’s your husband.” 

He didn’t respond, and instead focused on his burger.  Sam watched his brother thoughtfully, trying to figure all this out.

“Whatever happened to you two?  Three years ago you were fine.  Hell, you guys were great.  Then all of a sudden you changed.”

“Just time,” He replied lamely; his voice was low and emotionless.  “We grew apart.  Working with your spouse is not a good idea.”

“Bullshit, Dean.  I know you.  Time did not happen. It may have a role in it, but something else happened.  You don’t look at Cas the same way he looks at you.”

Dean was silent again.  He wanted to say more.  Tell Sam that he didn’t understand—and wouldn’t understand.  It was best if he stayed out of it.

*****

Castiel was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher when Dean came strolling out of their room, dressed in his signature jeans and a red shirt with a black t-shirt underneath.  He was dressed up compared to Cas’ own grey t-shirt and black sweatpants.  He was cleaning the house today, so he didn’t feel the need to dress in anything more than lounge wear.

Dean stopped at the kitchen's entranceway, hovering just at the threshold.

“I’m going out,” he announced, playing with his phone.

Castiel looked up from his task, taking in Dean’s attire.  He noticed the little gold amulet that hung around his neck; a present from Sam for Christmas years ago.  It was a sweet sight that after all these years Dean still wore it faithfully.  A sadder sight for him—though he doubted anyone noticed—was the lack of a second chain. The day after their “wedding”, if you could really call getting married at City Hall a wedding; they had both slipped their rings around silver chains they bought the week before.  It was an agreement they both made to avoid questions, mainly for Dean with the police academy.

“No clue when I’ll be back, so just text if you need anything, I guess.”  Dean shrugged, still looking down at his phone, oblivious to Castiel’s staring.

The younger man blinked a couple of times, trying to refocus his gaze.  “Okay.  And where are you going?”

Dean looked up from his phone.  “The store.  I just have a few places I need to run to.”  He was hugging a file folder to his chest, using his arm since his hands were currently busying typing on his phone.

The younger man noticed the folder, but didn’t comment on it.  It would just result in Dean dodging the question and they’d been getting along decently the past week.

“All right.  I’ll see you later.  Am I going to be making dinner or are you going to be out late?”  With Dean, Cas never knew how long his “errands” would take.  There were days when Dean would be gone from morning until midnight or as short as two hours.

“Just make something.  I’ll eat whenever I get home.”  Castiel nodded and went back to unloading the clean bowls. 

“I’m making pasta, so if you don’t want that then get something else.”

“Pasta is fine,” Dean responded, before opening their door and stepping out into the hallway.

Castiel quickly finished up in the kitchen and then moved into the living room.  Dean had left papers—probably work shit—all over the coffee table, which pissed Cas off since they had established a rule that they wouldn’t leave any papers or files lying around.  They also had a rule that neither one was to touch each other’s things if they did not know what it was for.  They had created the rule after Dean had moved one of Cas’ books, which they still had yet to find, and placed it somewhere he couldn’t remember.

He cleaned what he could, mainly dusting and then pulling out the vacuum.  As soon as they started living together, Dean and Cas decided who would do what around the apartment—condo.  Cas always did the cleaning; he had a routine from when he lived with his brothers and he preferred to stick to it.  Dean did the laundry, claiming that it didn’t take as long as dusting, but Cas didn’t mind.  And as for cooking, it alternated.  They took turns cooking, although they never fixed a schedule.

Cas went into their room next. The room was cluttered, a typical thing when they were on their round of night shifts.  They were always too tired to pick up after themselves, and it also usually resulted in larger than usual loads of laundry.

He opened the drawer to his nightstand.  Shoving the few papers and the watch Michael had gotten him for his birthday four years ago—he had yet to wear it—he found what he was looking for.  He picked the little black ring box. He didn’t bother opening it; he knew what was in it, having not opened it in over a year.

Castiel had remembered one day when Dean forgot to put his chain on. It hadn’t been a big production; his husband just simply left it on his night side table one day, and slowly fell into the pattern of not wearing it.

He had made an observation of the missing jewelry, but never got a satisfactory answer from his husband.  Instead of pushing further he just let the subject drop and it was quickly forgotten.

And Cas, a few weeks later, stopped wearing his chain.  He assumed Dean never noticed since he’d never once—and still has yet to—comment on it.

He kept his own ring safely tucked in its box, in the back corner of his nightstand, where it stayed all the time.  Though the same couldn’t be said for Dean who probably didn’t even know where his ring was.  Three years was a long time, it could’ve been misplaced anywhere.  If his husband didn’t have any attachment to the gold band, than what was stopping him from keeping it?

He fiddled with the little black box.  He wondered if he were to start wearing his ring again, but this time one his finger, where it belonged, would Dean care?  What would his coworkers think?  They all assumed he was too focused on his job to worry about relationships.

In a way, it was sort of ironic.  Everyone he knew that was not family assumed his love life was nonexistent; when really he was fully committed to Dean in every way possible.

*****

**_January 2008_ **

_“You’re going to do fine, babe,” Dean soothed, walking up behind Cas and wrapped his arms around his husband’s middle._

_Castiel was fussing, working himself up before he even started his first day at 23._

_“But what if someone figures it out?” he worried.  “What if they all can tell that we’re together?  Sam and Gabe are always teasing us that we don’t watch ourselves.”_

_Dean chuckled and placed his chin on Cas’ shoulder.  “It’s fine; don’t worry about it,” he reassured Castiel for probably the fifth time in less than two hours.  “We won’t see each other much today.  You’ll be busy with your training officer.”_

_The younger man nodded, but still wasn't convinced.  He placed his hand over Dean’s, which were still wrapped around him._

_“Are you sure it’s okay if we work at the same precinct?” he asked in a low voice, still sounding unsure.  “I could always put in a transfer request as soon as my training is over.”_

_It was unexpected that they would both end up at 23.  The fact was that they were keeping their relationship a secret until an appropriate time—whenever that would be.  Working in the same precinct would be tough, especially since they were still newly married, a year as of the past September.  Dean still liked placing his hand inappropriately on Cas, regardless if they were in public, and especially if they were around Sam.  Though Dean would have preferred Cas to be placed at a different precinct (not 17 since everyone over there was a dick), he was looking forward to getting to see his husband a lot more than he would have if he was over at 20, 14, or hell, even 17._

_“Nah,” Dean hummed and nuzzled his face into Castiel's neck.  “I like that we’ll be together.  I get to know that you're safe.”  The young man began to leave kisses along his husband’s neck, careful enough to not suck and leave a mark._

*****

 _“I get to know you’re safe”_ the words seemed to echo around the room.  Playing around Castiel like a ghost’s whisper.

Sometimes he would wonder if they would be in this mess of a marriage had he not listened to Dean and actually transferred to another precinct.  There were warnings that couples should never work together; it gets messy.  And now they’d become that cliché.

Curiously, the man pulled the ring box open, looked down at the gold band nestled in the middle of the black cushion.  The silver chain was still attached, pooling in the centre of the ring.  It looked lonely.

“Fuck, Dean,” Castiel sighed out loud.  Why was he getting nostalgic over a ring?  It wasn’t the piece of metal itself though, it was the memories it carried.  The meaning it had.

Their relationship hadn’t changed overnight; it was gradual.  It slowly started with the little things that were said, and the thoughts that weren’t.  Communication was the bitch. 

Cas gritted his teeth at the thought.  Out of all the men he could have fallen in love with, it had to be with the most private man there ever was.  Dean was horrible at communicating, resulting in struggles.  Not to mention, Dean often punished himself for things that weren’t even his fault.

*****

**_May 2010_ **

_“She’s a great girl, Dean.  Sam’s very lucky.”  Castiel kicked off his shoes and walked over to the couch, dropping down heavily.  He was exhausted.  He and Dean just returned from Bobby’s after spending the entire day celebrating Sam’s twenty-first birthday._

_It turned out to be a beautiful, sunny day, perfect for the barbeque Bobby had planned._

_It was also an important day not only because of Sam’s birthday, but Sam brought over Jess for the first time.  They were dating for a little over a month now, and Sam decided he wanted her to meet his family, mainly Dean.  He’s brother’s approval meant everything._

_“She is.”  Dean joined his husband on the couch, throwing his feet up, and letting them land in Cas’ lap.  The other man grumbled, but placed his hands on Dean’s legs, massaging his shins.  “Sammy did good.  Andy was boasting about how he set them up.”  Dean chuckled, thinking about his brother’s high strung friend.  Andy Gallagher was a good kid, but in serious need of a Xanax._

_“Apparently they are the ‘cutest couple’ in their group of friends,” Castiel teased, remembering Andy’s choice of words after his fifth beer that nigh.  Luckily he had carpooled with Sam and Jess._

_Dean hummed, but remained impassive.  Seeing his brother with his new girlfriend so open and affectionate only reminded Dean of what he couldn’t have—chose not to have.  It was his decision to keep their relationship secret until (if) it ever became legalized here.  Sure, it wasn’t like the nineteen-sixties.  Same-sex marriage was moving forward, people were more receptive to the idea, but it still wasn’t accepted everywhere.  Their marriage still wasn’t legal in every state._

_This was the question that bothered them both.  It was now almost four years since they married and no one outside of their families knew about it, as far as they knew.  New York still didn’t recognize their marriage. It wasn’t about what strangers thought, it was about their friends._

_“Kind of reminded me of us when we first started dating,” Cas continued, oblivious to Dean’s inner mussing._

_“Were we really that clingy?” Dean chuckled, thinking back to some of his favourite moments of theirs._

_“Probably worse.  You remember what Sam and Gabe used to say about us?  About how we looked like we were always seconds alway-”_

_“Always seconds away from screwing each other,” Dean finished; Sam had said that to him that night._

_“They did look cute together.  Sam never left Jess’ side for long.  Kind of makes me wish we could be so open.”  The words were out before Castiel could stop them.  He didn’t mean to say it; he meant to say how happy Sam looked.  Damn Freudian slip._

_Castiel felt Dean tense up immediately.  He pulled his legs off and sat up, using the middle cushion of the couch as a separator._

_“Dean, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it like that.”  He slid closer to Dean.  He smiled at Cas, though it was tight-lipped._

_“It’s fine, Cas.  I know what you meant.”  But the words still struck Dean.  Damn it, why were relationships so hard? Marriage was so hard._

_They’d kept it quietsuccessfully at work for over two years now.  They still both worked at 23 Precinct, and were occasionally pared up together, which was the best part; no one was around them.  They were certain that no one knew about them, but at times Cas was reminded they worked with a bunch of men and women who knew how to read people.  Were they really as carefully as the thought they were?_

_Cas hated the hiding.  He hated it and would have been vocal about it, but because he loved Dean, and would do anything for him, he sucked it up and bit his tongue.  He wasn’t ashamed of who he loved.  He didn’t care what others thought, if they were ostracized by people, he just wanted to be able to kiss Dean openly._

_But how could Dean let everybody else know that he was married to Cas when his own father was not supportive?  As far as John knew, Dean was still with Cas, he just didn’t know how “official”their relationship had become, and that was because herarely offered up information about his life beyond Bobby and Sam. There was too much to explain in an hour visit and normally Dean’s relationship status was ignored in favour of John attackinghis career.  It still pissed of John that his son was a police officer, working as one of those “above the law assholes”._

_Dean loved Cas, but the crippling fear of disappointing his father even more stopped him from announcing to everyone that he was married to Cas.  He already disappointed his father enough, not going farther in university, his career choice, and his choice of lover.  His father would probably lose it if he heard that Cas wasn’t just a “fling”, as the patriarch Winchester often referred to it._

_John had been in jail for about four years now and Dean haddevoted himself to visit his father once a month—twice if he had time.  Usually he was with Sam, as his brother refused to go on his own, which actually helped as it diverted John’s attention from focusing solely on him._

*****

Dean walked through the doors of 23.  Luckily the shifts hadn’t turned over yet, so the station was fairly quiet. 

He looked around, half expecting to see one of his friends; no one was supposed to know he was here.  There was a high chance he could run into Charlie.  She was taking on extra shifts so she could save money for a new apartment, but he didn’t know when. She was the one that worried Dean the most—her and Chuck.

“Dean!  ‘Bout time.”  Benny walked up to Dean, stopping about a foot away.  “You know I’ve been waiting for you.  Thought I’d have your application first thing last Friday.”  The detective glanced down at Dean’s hand, holding the folder.  A small smirk appeared on his face.

Dean cleared his throat and held up his hand with his application.  “I know.”  He wondered if he should apologize.  Benny was doing him a favour and he was sort of taking advantage of that with the submission delay.  “I was just-”

“Makin’ sure this is what you wanted,” the detective finished the younger man’s sentence, and though it was what Dean was thinking, it hadn’t been what he was going to say.

Dean stared at the man and gave a crooked smirk.  “Wanted to make sure I had a chance.”

“Let’s go up and talk.”  Benny didn’t take Dean’s folder and instead moved to the staircase, leading the way up to the Organized Crime Division. 

The floor was very similar to the squad room, lined with desks and computers, except, instead of a room filled with blue uniforms, everyone was in various shades of grey and black suits. There was a slightly arrogant feel as people walked by Dean, eyeing the police officer as if he didn’t belong there.

Dean had been up to this area only a handful of times, and those were mainly because he needed to speak to Benny.  It wasn’t a very welcoming area, but had held promise.

Dean remembered after the last time he applied for undercover, they had offered up an internship as a narcotics detective.  Dean had taken extra classes, hoping to help him win the spot.  He loved being out on the streets, but at the same time, he wanted more.  Getting an internship, which could have led to a permanent position, would have been a blessing.  It also would have meant less time with Cas, which, though the thought never crossed the couple’s minds, may have helped their marriage. 

Cas had been aware of his applying to the detective spot.  Last time, he had told Cas he wanted to try and move up from a patrol officer.  Cas had been supportive and encouraged him.  Hehad worked hard to get the position.  The classes he had taken had been a pain in the ass and stressful, but worth it, had he gotten the position.  It was almost okay to say that he had been devastated with the decision and things had been tense for a week after.

Benny sat down at his desk, dropping down into his chair and kicking his feet on top of the wooden surface.  “Sit.” he pointed to the empty desk next to his.  Dean pulled out the swivel chair and rolled it closer to Benny.

“I can’t stay-” Dean began, trying to tell the detective that he was just dropping off his application, but the man cut him off.

“You know, if you do get the task force, it could lead to something more… Permanent.”  Benny smirked when confusion spread across Dean’s face.  He reached out, pulling the pale yellow folder from Dean’s hand and dropped it on a small stack of papers on his desk.   “Morganson is retiring at the end of the year,” Benny began to explain.   “Hasn’t announced it to anyone but us, but someone will be promoted, which means a replacement will be needed for him.”  He looked up at Dean, practically seeing the wheels turn in his head.

It was a hint.  Benny always said he’d be Dean’s “inside ears”.  They metabout six months after Dean joined the force.  He had to drop off a file from a case he was working on, running up to the floor he ran into Benny.  The man was a little unorthodox, but he coaxed Dean into staying with him, interested in hearing the rookie’s opinion on the case.  The detective usually though rookies were so sure of themselves, but found Dean to be different.  He was cocky, sure, but he wasn’t about to jump into the field with an itchy trigger finger, he studied everything thoroughly.  After that meeting, Benny had shown up more often, sometimes during his break just to talk to Dean.  The officer wouldn’t consider Benny a friend like Charlie or Chuck—they hardly saw each other outside of work—but occasionally they would take during their break.

“Just thought I’d give ya a heads up,” he continued, when Dean didn’t respond.  He smirked mischievously.  “You know… In case something was to come up.  You’re a hard worker Dean, and you’re determined.”

Dean raised an eyebrow.  “I thought I was ‘too cocky for my own good’ and that I needed a ‘kick in the ass’,” he mocked, repeating the words Benny had once spoke to him when he applied for the first task force.

The detective chuckled and shook his head.  “You see, this is why you’d fit in up here.  You already have the attitude.”

“Benny,” a sharp voice called out.  A young blonde detective stood up from a desk three up from Benny’s.  The woman was tall, probably from the heels she wore.  Her hair was long in a half-up half-down style.  Like most female detectives, she was in black slacks, matching her blazer.  “Let’s go.  Richardson asked to see us before lunch.  Remember?”

The man glanced at the woman and then to Dean.   “Be right there, Rachel.”  He dropped his feet off the desk with a heavy ‘thud’ on the ground.

The woman nodded and smiled at Dean, who looked her way.  The grin was slightly condescending; she knew Dean wasn’t a detective, he didn’t have the look.

“Gotta go, Winchester.”  Benny stood up from his chair and patted Dean on the shoulder.  “We’ll talk again later.  And I’ll pass the application to along to Amelia.”

“See ya, Lafitte.”  Dean stood up from his chair, pushing it back to its spot. The man walked off, following Rachel and Dean went the other way, walking over to the stairs.


	10. Chapter Ten

While Dean was at work—he forgot he had taken Chuck’s shift in exchange for some favour—Cas sat at home, catching up on his emails.  Uncommonly, he had gotten his birthday off.  Usually, days like birthdays, Christmas, and New Year’s, he and Dean found themselves working.

It was just after two when the phone next to his laptop began to ring.  He picked it up, not bothering to check the caller ID before answering.

 _“Happy birthday, baby bro!”_ the sound of Gabriel’s voice cut over Castiel’s greeting.

“Hello Gabriel,” Cas sighed, but a smile pulled at his lips.  He had already received a call from Lucifer, which had not gone so well since Cas’ brother was too interested in joking about the fact that his youngest brother was now pushing thirty.  Castiel reminded Lucifer that he was only twenty-eight.  Even Sam had called.  “How are you?”

“I should be asking you that, Cassie. Twenty-eight years ago today you pushed yourself out of our mother’s-”

“You’re vulgar,” Cas interrupted and looked at the TV with a bored expression. He was used to Gabriel and Lucifer's lewd comments, but sometimes they got old.

 _“Hey,”_ the older Novak protested, _“I’m just stating how it is.”_

“You could be a little more discreet.  Do that for the rest of the day-” he knew it wouldn’t be the last time he heard from Gabe today “-and we’ll call it my gift.”  He hadn’t asked for anything—he never got anything useful.  Michael usually gave him books, but they were on economics, ones he wasn’t really interested in. Lucifer’s gifts were usually things he passed off to Dean.  Last year had been a set of wrenches.  And Gabriel, well his gift were usually embarrassing and...Pornographic, to say the least.

 _“Hey!”_ Gabriel nearly shrieked, causing Cas to move the phone away from his ear.  _“That reminds me.  I have your gift; you’ll be getting it later today.”_

The youngest Novak cringed.  “Gabe, I swear to God, if you got me another porn sub-”

His brother's laugh rang loudly through the receiver.  _“Aw, Cassie, Lucifer’s right: you’ve been wound so tightly lately.  What’s wrong, Dean-o not giving it to you?”_

Castiel groaned and rubbed a hand over his face.  God, help him.

“Gabriel!  I’m not-”

 _“All right. All right,”_ the older Novak chuckled.  Cas could practically see the smug look plastered onto his brother's face. _“Look the real reason I called was-”_

“To annoy me,” Cas cut in with a deadpan tone.

_“Hey!  Look who made a joke.  Gotta say, looks like we're rubbing off on you after all.”_

He rolled his eyes.  Actually, it was Dean who was rubbing off on him, but he didn’t bother to correct him. “Anyway.  What was it you-”

_“Oh yeah!  You, me, lunch.  I’m takin’ you out for your birthday.”_

“Oh.”  Cas looked at the clock hanging off to the side of the TV.  Damn, he really should have had lunch when he had a chance.  He didn’t want to go out with his brother.  Knowing Gabriel, he’d probably drag Lucifer to lunch with them.  “I have a lot of work to finish.  There’s also a load of-”

 _“Sure,”_ Gabriel dragged out the word, obviously not buying his brother’s excuse.  _“Dean’s there isn’t he?”_

“No, _Gabe_.  Dean’s not-”

 _“Dean’s not allowed to talk?”_   Gabriel’s tone had gone flirty; he knew what he was doing. _“Is he currently **busy**?”_

“Gabe,” Castiel said through gritted teeth.

 _“Oh, come on, Cassie.”_   Gabriel snickered, enjoying his brother’s reaction.  God, it really was too easy.  _“Anyway, I’m taking you to that restaurant on Lexington.  You know, that place I told you about, or was it Lucifer I was talking to?_

Castiel sighed and sat back on the couch.  There was no way he was getting out of this.  When Lucifer had called, Cas had let it slip that he had nothing planned.  Knowing his brothers, they probably had both conspired with each other.

“Do I really have to?”  He knew it sounded a bit petulant, but he had just spent an afternoon with Gabe last week, and they had already gone outto lunch.

 _“Yes!”_ the other man exclaimed.  “ _It’s your birthday.  And we-I-I-”_ Cas caught the slip, but decided to not to comment on it “ _-want to spoil my baby brother.  We all know I have the money and no one to spend it on.  There’s only so much porn I can buy.”_

Castiel made a face of disgust.  “How generous of you.  And modest.”

Gabriel, next to Michael was the most successful out the four of them.  Having finally graduated from medical school at Harvard, Gabriel moved to Chicago to do his surgeon residence in pediatrics.  It was a bit shocking when his frivolous brother announced that he had gotten into Harvard’s medical program on his first try.  Dean had jokingly commentedthat he had expected Gabriel to go into something like reality TV.  Joking that Gabe was into that “borderline sadistic entertainment”, and was a “twisted little shit”.  After five years in Chicago, he had decided to move back to New York to complete his fellowship at Bellevue Hospital Center.  He had just finished his first year and was on his second and final year.

Castiel exhaled loudly; he was probably going to regret this.  “Fine.  I’ll meet you there in a bit.  I have some things I need to finish up first.”

 _“Like Dean?”_ Gabriel grinned devilishly, though Cas couldn’t see, he assumed that’s what his brother was doing. _“Make sure Dean lets you-”_ Cas hit the ‘end’ button, cutting off whatever lewd remark he was about to say.

*****

Gabriel looked down at his phone and chuckled.  God, his brother was so easy to wind up.  Almost too easy.

He was already sat at a table, waiting for Cas, which would probably be a half hour wait.  The restaurant was filled with a low buzz from the few patrons that occupied tables around him.  There was only about ten people, the lunch rush had almost died down.

Gabe was sipping his water, watching people walk by the window.  People watching was boring, but it sure passed the time.

He glanced around the restaurant, looking for his waiter so he could order something else to drink.  Movement at the door caught his eye and he glanced over towards it.  A very tall and familiar figure walked in, making his way to the back of the restaurant.

“Well, well, well,” Gabriel called out, leaning back in his chair and leering at the man just passing his table.

Sam Winchester stopped and looked behind him, seeing Gabriel Novak smirking at him.  He hadn’t seen the man in over a year, not since the last Fourth of July where Bobby had hosted a BBQ and invited Cas’ family as well.

“Gabe?”  The younger Winchester smiled and walked over to Gabe’s table.  Unlike Dean, Sam actually didn’t mind the “spunky” man.  “I thought you were in Chicago.”  It was weird seeing Cas’ older brother sitting alone at a restaurant in New York.  Out of all the ones to pick, Gabe chose the one he was meeting his friend at.

“Nah,” Gabriel wave his hand dismissively, “Been back for a few months now.”  Technically it was a year, but who was keeping track?“Got a place on 35th.”

Sam frowned.  Out of all the times he talked to Cas, not once did he mention that his brother was back in New York.  The same for Dean; Sam knew his brother wasn’t the biggest fan of Gabe, so he assumed Dean hadn’t been be overly pleased.  They mentioned the older Novak being around, but they made it seem more like a visit than a permanent move.

“Really?  Dean and Cas never said anything.”  Sam glanced around him as if he was looking for someone.

The older man shrugged his shoulders.  “Eh, there wasn’t much of an announcement.  So, you’re meeting someone?”  He quirked an eyebrow and smirked.  Sam seemed a little fidgety.

Sam turned his attention back to Gabe.  “Uh, yeah.  Just a friend from school.  Actually-” Sam looked down at his watch and huffed “-he was supposed to meet me hear about fifteen minutes ago.  I was running late.”

“Looks like we’re both being kept waiting.  My brothers seem to like taking their sweet damn time as well.”

The taller man chuckled and grinned.  “Planning things with Andy is… Unpredictable.”

“Maybe we should just have lunch.  Teach our lunch dates a thing about being punctual.”  It was a joke, but a larger smile spread across Sam’s face.  Dean tolerated Gabe for Cas’ sake, but Sam never had a real problem with the older man.  In fact, Sam sometimes wished he was the Novak he saw more than Lucifer and Michael.  Michael was just a dick, and Lucifer kind of creeped him out, though he was sure the middle Novak was…Harmless.

Sam opened his mouth to reply, but a loud voice cut off his reply.

“Sorry!  Sorry!  Sorry!”  A shorter, frantic looking man with short brown hair came running into the restaurant, almost bumping into Sam.

Gabe arched an eyebrow as he watched Sam roll his eyes and shake his head while the man started sputtering out an explanation.

The seated man only caught a few spaced words; the man talked like he was going to have a panic attack.  Gabe heard “car” and “gone” before Sam gripped the man—Andy he assumed and tried to calm the anxious man.

“Andy!  Calm down.  You’re just working yourself up, _again_.”  Gabe didn’t miss the slightly annoyed tone Sam spoke with.

“But it’s my mom’s car.  And she’s going to be-” Andy cut off and took a loud inhale.  “Oh gosh.  She’s going to be pissed.”

“Andy.  Her car was towed.  It wasn’t like you dented it like last year. Look, I’ll drive you down to the police station.”

“Yeah.  Okay.”  Andy nodded and hurried out the restaurant, probably thinking Sam was following.

“So, that’s your friend?”  Gabriel smirked and looked up at Sam.  The man was certainly not the type of person he’d picture Sam to be friends with.

“He’s not normally like this,” Sam defended.  “But he seems to have a knack at either losing or ruining his mom’s car.”

The older man snorted.  “And he still drives his mom’s car?  How old is he?” Gabe teased, but Sam didn’t seem too impressed, throwing the man a ‘bitch face’, as he heard Dean called is many times.

“It’s cheaper.  Anyway, looks like I’m not having lunch anytime soon.  See you around, Gabe.”

“See ya, kiddo.”  Gabe waved as Sam walked away.  “Ugh!  Finally!” Just as Sam walked out the building, another man walked through the door. 

The man rolled his eyes and took the seat across from Gabriel.  “Traffic.”  He shrugged.

“Mm-hmm,” Gabriel hummed, not buying the excuse.  “I swear, you’re worse than Michael, Lucifer.”

*****

The day was busy—well, busy for everyone else but Dean.  The officer was practically banging his head against the wall with boredom.  Charlie had been with him earlier, but was moved to booking when Brooks went home sick.  He had been stuck on desk duty, much to his dismay, and he wanted out of the stupid padded chair.  He had finished all his paper-work and was now twiddling his thumbs, waiting for five o’clock to come.  He wanted to go home and… Fuck.  Today was Cas’ birthday.  He had remembered this morning, but the thought quickly slipped his mind when the ‘birthday boy’ remained asleep when he left for his shift.

“Looking a little lonely there, Dean,” a young male officer teased.  “Missing your partner today?”  Ethan, the officer, smirked when Dean had moved his hand to flip him off but thought better of it when Crowley walked by.  Like the man would care, but the older officer wasn’t about to risk it.  The staff sergeant was known for either being laid back or the king of hell; just depends on his mood for the day.

“Sorry, Snider.  Charlie already beat you to that joke.  So did Evans and Lucas.”  Dean leaned back in his chair lazily and gave a short huff of laughter.

The younger officer shrugged his shoulders and smirked.  “Never said I was original.” Ethan smirked and shrugged.  He took a couple of steps backwards before turning around.

It was now just after noon, there wasn’t anything that needed Dean’s attention at the moment, which made it the perfect time to take his lunch break.  Once again, he didn’t pack anything to eat, and just settled on a bag of chips from the break room’s vending machine.  It would be enough to get him through the next five hours.

He returned to his desk a half hour later with a coffee in hand.  He had just sat down at his desk when…

“Dean Winchester!” asharp voice called loudly.  Dean looked away from his computer to see Tessa walk out of Crowley’s office.  “Guess who just volunteered you to be my assistant.” 

Dean looked from the detective to Crowley’s office.  He could see the staff sergeant was on the phone, but like he had a sixth sense, his dark eyes met the officer’s through the window.  He smirked wickedly; he arched an eyebrow challengingly.

Dean broke the stare and turned his attention back to Tessa.  He pushed his chair back and stood up, walking around the desk to the woman.

“Let’s go.”  The detective led the way back to her desk, which was a mess of paper and stationery supplies.  “This case just came up,” Tessa explained and opened the folder she was holding.  “It’s been a bitch and I need help sorting through all off it.”

“What about Rogers?  Shouldn’t he be helping you?”  It wasn’t unusual for a detective to take an officer to help them, but usually Tess and Rogers worked together.  They were kind of an unofficial team.

“Detectives are very busy, Winchester.”  Tessa smirked crookedly.  “We can’t all help each other while we’re working on our own cases,” she explained as they walked up the stairs. 

Dean chuckled and opened his mouth to make a witty retort, but was cut off by the woman.

“And I know you’re very organized with your paperwork; Cas compliments you on it all the time.”  She gave him a teasing wink.

“Jeez, I’m so flattered.”  Dean gave a teasing smirk, which turned into a tight smile.  He was organized at work; it was an atypical attribute he had, mostly because he could go weeks before he cleaned up around the apartment.

Tessa led the way to her desk, which was near the back of the room they were in.  It was also the messiest.  The detective’s floor was nearly empty.  There were only two other detectives, both much older than the other two officers.

Dean walked over to the desk.  There were several file folders stacked to the left, and a few papers and photographs scattered over the wooden surface.  He looked down at the various shots, each of a different piece of evidence.  There were also a few of the three victims, lying dead on the cement floor of the building they were found in.

“These are the pictures?” Dean asked, picking of a photo of a young male with, spread eagled, stab wound to the upper left side of his chest.  Blood had soaked his shirt and formed a puddle around his side.

“Hmm?”  Tessa looked up from the file she was flipping through.  Her gaze went from Dean to the scattered photographs on the table.  “Yeah.  Why?  Is there a problem?” 

He shook his head.  Was there a problem though?  “Uh, no.  Just the guy is… Well, he’s certainly trying to make his mark.”  He wasn’t sure if it had been a case he worked, or it could have just been a movie he watched.  Sometimes fiction blurred into the reality of his job.

“Well, it doesn’t look like anything more than another gang related shooting,” Tessa sighed just as Dean spotted the picture of circle with a “T” like symbol that drew into a backwards looking “L”.  There was a triangle on the top of the circle and six smaller symbols surrounding it.  Or were those letters?  The photo itself was chilling, but what was more haunting was that it was drawn in blood.

“One of the victims also has that symbol carved into his chest.”  Tessa noticed Dean’s fixation on the photograph and glanced over his shoulder to see which one it was. 

Dean heard her, but didn’t make any acknowledge of it.  There was something familiar about the symbol, like he’d seen it before.  It wasn’t a past crime or Tessa would have made the connection already. 

“Do you know what it is?”  Maybe if he had a name he’d remember.

“No.  We’ve been trying to figure that out, but nothing’s come up.”  The defeat in Tessa’s voice was obvious.  This must have been what she was stressing over.  Figuring out this symbol would certainly give them a lead or at least closer to a lead.  “It could just be a gang sign.  There’s talks about a couple of them starting to make moves, but…”  She held her hands up as if to say ‘here we are’ before placing them back on the table.

The thing looked like something Cas would have shown him.  He’s seen symbols like this before.  He was sure about.  But, was it Cas or what it a movie?  It was most likelyjust his mind showing him what wanted than an actual memory.  Still, he’d ask Castiel about it later.

“Okay, then.”  Tessa dropped her folder onto a file box, placed next to her desk.  “Let’s get started.  This could take a while and I’d like to get out on time for once.

Dean took a seat in an unoccupied chair and looked up at Tessa.  “Hey, you and I both.  Ten hours behind a desk is enough for me.”  As if to make his point, he picked up a new folder and started looking through the contents.

*****

Dean walked through the door to his condo a little before six.  Castiel was stilling on the couch, reading something on his laptop.

“Hey,” Dean greeted as he kicked off his boots.  He was in a good mood.  He had gotten his mind off the case on the drive home.  Blasting some of his classics always helped.  It was still there in the back of his mind, and he was almost half tempted to ask Cas if he remembered anything similar, but thought better of it.  It’s was Cas’ birthday, the least he could do is not bother him with work.

Castiel glanced up and watched as Dean walk over to the recliner next to the couch.  “Hey.  How was work?”

Dean shrugged and lowered himself onto the black cushion.  “Worked with Tessa.  Can’t really complain.  Beats ten hours at a desk alone.  Heard you went out with Gabriel,” he commented; Sam had called him about his friend’s car getting towed and mentioned how he had run into Cas’ older brother.

“And Lucifer,” Cas groaned.  He hadn’t actually expected to see his other brother there, and when he saw Lucifer sitting with Gabe, he was almost tempted to leave the restaurant, though he knew Gabriel would kill him if he did.

“Was it really that bad?”  Dean quirked an eyebrow and chuckled.  He understood Cas’ reluctantly to hang out with his family. They could be overbearing at times when it came to their younger brother.  Gabriel and Lucifer, had a tendency for cracking jokes at the most inconvenient time and had an inability to stay out of trouble.  Still, they were Cas’ brothers and spending two hours with them for lunch wasn’t a huge chore.  Maybe it was because he couldn’t imagine having that relationship with Sam.  He loved his brother so much that he would take a fucking bullet for him.

Castiel thought about it for a moment and sighed.  “I guess not.  It has been a while since I’ve seen Lucifer.”

Dean hummed, but didn’t respond beyond that.  It was Cas’ birthday and he had yet to acknowledge it.  He woke up and left before his husband was up.  Castiel didn’t seem to care.  They didn’t make a big deal about gifts.  They always bought each other one, but usually they didn’t give it until their day was over and work was no longer the focus.

“But really, Dean, you’re the one that complains more about my family than I do.  And you question why I am hesitant about going out to lunch with them?” Castiel wasn’t mad, he was just interested.  He never asked before and now that the topic had be broached, it was the perfect timing.

Dean shrugged.  “I dunno.  They’re your family, Cas.  In-laws are supposed to hate each other, but they’re your brothers.”

“Not everyone has a relationship like you and Sam.  Michael wasn’t like you when he took guardianship of us.  He was an ‘authoritarian’guardian.  You always say he walks like he has a stick up his ass.” 

Back in high school, one thing that Dean and Casfound they had incommon was a crummy childhood.  Dean had lost his mom when he was four, and John hadn’t been there for them much after that, forcing Dean to take on the role of raising Sam.  Sure, they had Bobby’s help, but Dean did most of it before the day Bobby finally said enough.  Cas’ story had been slightly different.  His dad had never been in the picture; he ran off shortly before Cas was born.  And his mother, much like Dean’s, had passed away.  But unlike Dean’s, his mother died when he was twelve.  Since Michael had been eighteen,it was either guardianship or to let his younger brothers move to group homes.

Castiel figured he should be more lenient on Michael.  Taking on three younger siblings, while he himself had just turned eighteen was not something most teenagers faced.  It was a hard adjustment, especially when they went from practically no rules to a seven o’clock curfew in less than a week.

“And I don’t _hate_ your family, so your excuse for your opinion on my family is invalid.”

Castiel gave Dean a challenging look.  “It’s my birthday, in case you’ve forgotten.” His husband still had yet to make any type of acknowledgement of the significance of the day.  “I’d be grateful if we could talk about something _I_ actually want to talk about.”

Dean just shrugged.  “Whatever you want, hon.” He arched his eyebrows and gave a lopsided smile.  It annoyed Cas when he used the endearment, mainly because he was not using it affectionately.

Without a word, Castiel got up from the couch and walked towards their bedroom, brushing his hand over Dean’s shoulder.

He didn’t have to wait long before he heard Dean follow him.  He just reached the bathroom when a weight pressed him against the wall.

“Finally…”  The man trailed off when he saw the taunting smile on Dean’s face.

“Didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday,” Dean mumbled, moving his face closer to Cas’.  Their lips connected in a sloppy kiss before Dean pulled away, moving to his husband’s neck.  “‘Bout time I did.”

“De-an,” Castiel’s voice rose at the end when Dean licked along the length of his neck.  He wiggled against the taller man’s body, trying to gain leverage.

“C’mon, Cas,” he mumbled against hisneck, lips ghosting over skin.  “Don’t you want your gift?”

He chuckled when Cas shivered and made a half-hearted attempt to pull away.  He quickly wrapped his hand around the back of his husband's neck, pulling his head back.  Castiel let out a small groan, quickly cut off by Dean’s lips.

“Thought so,” Dean mumbled again, as he moved his lips up to Cas’ ear, chuckling darkly when his husband whimpered.

Dean tugged Cas' pants down along with his boxers just enough to free his hardened cock.

Castiel hissed as the cool air hit his sensitive flesh.

“Dean,” the younger man groaned.  The man’sonly response was a dangerous smirk before sinking to his knees.  It's been a while since he's seen that look on Dean.  Heat ad passion burning in his eyes. Without any warning, he took Cas into his mouth.

The man threw his head back, moaning out a ‘fuck’.

Dean’s mouth was wet and warm around him.  He bobbed his head, swirling his tongue around the leaking head, lapping up the pre-come.

“Shit.”  Cas’ hand flew to Dean’s hair, tugging on the short strands, keeping his husband from pulling away. He began to rock his hips, begging for more.

Dean responded eagerly, running his tongue along the length.  He moaned around the shaft, sending vibrations up Cas’ spine.

“D-Dean,” Cas gasped and tried to pull away.  He enjoyed the attention his husband was giving him, but right now, he was more interested in feeling his dick inside him.  It’d been almost two weeks; sue him.  Plus, it was _his_ birthday.  He was going to be the one calling the shots. 

“What?”  Dean looked up at Cas with confusion.  His lips were slightly swollen, and Cas let out a pitiful whine at the sight.

“Bed,” was all he gasped as he pulled Dean up by the shoulders.

They stumbled back into the bedroom, only pulling away from the kiss to take a breath.  Cas moved his head down, latching his lips onto Dean’s neck and began to suck lightly.

“Cas what are-?” Dean’s breath caught in his throat when Cas scraped his teeth over the sensitive skin.  He chuckled and licked up Dean’s neck to his ear, curling his tongue over the sensitive skin.

“Just enjoying myself,” Cas mumbled, but was pushed back by Dean.

“Tonight is my turn,” he warned dangerously.  He reached for the hem of Cas’ t-shirt, pulling it up and over his head before he could protest.His hands went to Castiel’s pants, pushing them the rest of the way down.

He quickly freed himself of his own clothes, smirking when he caught Cas watching him lustfully.

“Like what you see?” he teased and kissed him hungrily before pushing him back against the bed.  He crawled over his husband predatorily, smirking when Cas’ breath hitched as he ghosted his lips over his. 

He reached into the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube.  He quickly slicked up his fingers and pressed one to Cas’ hole.  He slipped it in gently, waiting a bit before working in a second and then third.

The younger man was moaning and gasping.  Dean was stroking his prostate with every second thrust, but it still wasn’t enough.

He made a growl in the back of his throat, which got his message across apparently.  Without warning, Dean pulled his fingers out, leaving Cas empty and worked up.

Cas wanted to cry out in frustration, but was silenced when heard the cap of the bottle pop open and then felt the blunt head of Dean’s slickened cock pressed against his hole. 

Dean pushed forward, groaning as Castiel’s grip on his shoulders tightened.  He waited until Cas practically grunted his name to start moving.

“Oh, fuck,” Cas gasped as Dean snapped his hips up, striking his prostate directly.  The pace Dean set was hard and rough.  Both men were panting and sweating.  “D-Dean.”  Castiel’s nails were digging into his husband’s shoulder blades.

“Fucking gorgeous,” Dean marvelled, mostly to himself.  The words caught Cas off guard, but before he could comment, Dean shifted his hips and all previous thoughts flew out the window.

His thrusts were hard and deep, grazing over Cas’ prostate almost every time.  He was panting hard, letting out puffs of hot air against Cas’ neck.  

Hiships rocked in time to Dean’s thrusts.  His left hand moved from its place on Dean’s back to his cock, but his hand was batted away.  Dean’s own large, warm hand wrapped around his length, pumping him closer to his release.

“Shit.  D-Dean.  Gonna—oh fuck.”  Cas tipped his head back, revealing more of the perfectly unmarked skin of his neck.

Dean placed a kiss to the pulse point before whispering in his ear.  “Come for me, Cas.”

With a sharp gasp, Cas came over Dean’s hand.  He panted out Dean’s name, which sounded closely like a prayer.  It only took a few more thrusts before Dean’s own orgasm washed over him.

He waited until his body settled down before rolling off of Cas, still staying close enough that their arms brushed against each other.

They were quite for a few minutes.  Both just laid on the bed, listening to each other’s slowing breathing.  There was movement on Dean’s side, but Cas still stared up at the ceiling fan, which, they should really turn on.

“Happy birthday.”  Dean’s voice was soft and a little hoarse.  He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Cas’ face.  “Cas,” he added when Castiel turned, a small smile pulled at his lips.

“Was that my only present?” he cheekily asked, his smile spreading wider when Dean rolled his eyes.

He cupped the younger man’s cheek and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips.  “I would say ‘yes’, just to see what you would have to say about that.  But,” he paused and smirked, “I’d be lying.”

The dark haired man’s eyebrows raised in interest.  He was a little shocked that Dean actually got him something.  Last month he had told him to not bother with a gift, so he was curious as to what could have gotten him.

“Why don’t we clean up and then I’ll give it to you.”  Dean lightly traced patterns on Cas arm and kissed him softly one more time before moving off the bed.

Castiel stayed in their room a moment longer, a little puzzled by his husband’s behaviour.  Yes, it was his birthday, but they usually weren’t this affectionate.  It was nice, but it made him nervous.  Dean usually acted clingy or copy of his former self when he needed something or was having a difficult time.  He wanted to ask questions, but at the same time, he craved this Dean.  The Dean who wasn’t snapping at him for forgetting to pick up eggs at the grocery store even though he got all the other things on his list.  He wanted them to be good again.

This was his birthday.  He was allowed to be selfish, so he was going to enjoy Dean’s sudden change in behaviour.  Maybe, if he was lucky, he’ll stay this way for awhile.  Maybe they could talk.


	11. Chapter Eleven

“If you absolutely sure, Dean, then tell Tessa-” Cas was in the middle of saying when he was interrupted.

“Dean!  Cas!” Chuck called out when the two officers turned around the corner. They were obviously deep in conversation, but it didn't look like they were arguing.

Both men stopped a few feet from Chuck, who was standing next to a young woman, clad in a uniform.  She had a wide smile on her face, showing off most of her teeth. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a braid, like most of the female officers did.

“Meet Becky Rosen.”  Chuck gestured to the female officer, who was obviously new.  “She just started at 23 today.”

Cas and Dean glanced at the woman and back at Chuck.  Not to discriminate, but the woman didn’t not look like she belonged.  She looked more like one of those obsessive fan girls they met when working security at a concert or occasionally, a convention of some sort.  No, she didn’t seem like she’d be the one stopping them.

“Castiel Novak,” Cas offered when Dean didn’t make a move.

Dean followed Cas’ example.  “Dean.  Winchester,” he added the last name after a long pause.

“Nice to meet you two,” Becky replied cheerfully, a wide smile plastered on her face.  “I look forward to working with you.”

“Welcome to 23,” Cas added and walked around the other two officers.  Dean nodded and followed Cas.

“You two partnered today?” Chuck asked, stopping the two men.  “Again?”

“Yep,” Dean popped the ‘P’ and thinned his lips.  “And, is it really a surprise anymore?”

Chuck laughed, while Becky just looked from his training officer to the other men, a large smile still on her face. She was trying to pick up interactions and what was being said, trying to get a feel for what went on around the station.

“Nah.”  Chuck smirked.  “But it’s still fun. Anyway, gotta go and get this one trained on the streets.  See ya.”  The rookie and TO walked off, allowing Dean and Cas to continue their conversation.

*****

“So what, are those two like dating?” Becky asked once Cas and Dean were out of sight.

“What?” Chuck nearly cried out with a chocked laugh.  “Dean and Castiel?”

“Yeah.”The woman nodded and shrugged. “You commented on how they are always together, and they were stand very close to each other.

“Winchester and Novak?”the training officer laughed again.  “They’d kill each other before that happened.  No, it’s just known that those two don’t get along often. And it just always seems like they’re partnered together despite that.”

Becky frowned.  That's not how she saw it.  She swore she almost saw Dean reach for Castiel’s arm.  A subconscious movement. She studied psychology in high school; she knew all about it. Right?

“Trust me: there is nothing but bickering going on between those two. We all just enjoy taking a crack at them.”  Chuck walked over to their car, not once mentioning the bet that some of them are in.  He slid into the driver’s seat, while the rookie followed, sliding into the passenger side.

She wasn’t entirely convinced with her training officer. Maybe everyone was as oblivious to the fact or maybe they just chose to ignore it to save Castiel and Dean the grief. Either way, a couple or not, they looked good together.

*****

“Winchester!  Novak!” Crowley called from the raised level of his office.He stood at the railing, with his head turned towards the two officers.

Cas and Dean both turned around and stared at the staff Sergeant, as well as half of the squad room.

“You’re switching with Reids and Snider.  Winchester, you’re in booking. Novak, do whatever the hell you want; I don’t care.”  Crowley went back into his office without waiting for confirmation from them

“What the hell was that all about?” Dean mumbled, watching the senior officer at his desk.

“Haven’t a clue.”Cas pulled out the keys from his pocket and passed them off to Ethan Snider who was just walking by.

“Thanks,” the young officer said and left the room.

“See ya at lunch then. Maybe this is a good thing: we won’t kill each other before we get home,” Dean taunted and winked before heading off to booking.  He hated booking, but at least he’d have time to do what his really wanted to do.

Cas took a desk next to Dorothy, who smiled when she saw him.  “Slight change in plans?” She teased.

“I’m not complaining.  Though, I don’t get why Crowley changed the assignments.”

The female officer shrugged.  “Who knows why he does half of the stuff he does. Apparently last week he got into it with Abaddon about 23’s numbers compared with 17’s.  He was pissed all day.”

There was always a rivalry between precincts. Some competed more with others.  23 just happened to hate 17 Precinct. Whether the tension was from years ago or just the competitionbetween 17’s captain, Abaddon Knight and Crowley.  It was known in many precincts that the two basically wanted to declare war on each other.  And it didn’t help that Abaddon was in a higher rank.

“Charlie was telling me about that. Did he really call Abaddona ‘snivelling bitch’?”

Dorothy laughed and nodded.  “He also called her officers a bunch of demons. It was kind of funny... Until he got off the phone.  You should be grateful you had that day off.  It wasn’t a fun.”

Cas nodded in agreement.  He was grateful, even if it had resulted in having to drive over to Bostonfora family dinner with Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer.  Dean had gotten out of it because Sam had “conveniently” invited him over for dinner.

“Charlie did help we get my Maid of Honour speech done, though.”  She didn’t know what she was revealing this to Cas, it had nothing to do with Crowley being a dick, but, Cas knew Dorothy was struggling writing a speech for a friend’s wedding, which was in October. He was also sure the woman wished she wasn’t in the wedding party so she could ask Charlie to be her date.

“I’m sure you appreciated that.”Cas smiled, but his tone was teasing, similar to Dorothy’s earlier.

“Shut up, Novak,” she threatened, but Castiel could see a faint blush creep over her face.

*****

Dean sat behind the desk, staring off into space.  It probably wasn’t a good idea, considering he had two men in a cell watching, and the possibility of someone walking in to find him not doing his job.  He was thinking back to the conversation Cas and he were having before Chuck interrupted them.

_“Are you sure you don’t know what the symbol is?”_

_Dean and Cas were in the locker room, each putting on their long-sleeved uniform. It was an unusually cold and rainy September afternoon.  They had just finished briefing and—surprise—they were partnered up again. As Cas buttoned up his shirt, Dean was going on about the case he had helped Tessa with almost three weeks ago.  It hadn’t left his mind since that day, but he never bothered to go dinging until the other night what Cas had mentioned something that triggered his memory._

_“Dean,” Cas sighed as he fixed his collar.  “I already told you that I don’t.  I would gladly tell you if I did, but…”  He shrugged his shoulders and closed his locker._

_Dean shut his locker and met Cas' stare.  “Yeah, I know, but-” he led the way out of the room  “-it’s not leaving me and I can’t it anything on it.”_

_“Dean,”Cas sighed again and fell in step with his husband, “how many crime scenes have we responded to where there were random symbols painted on the wall or area?  Half of those meant nothing.  Maybe it’s the same thing.  You could have just seen it on the side of a building.”_

_“You’re right, I guess.”  Dean rolled his eyes, not liking where Cas was taking this._

_“And just because they remind you of **something** -”_

_“It’s not just something, Cas,” he bit out, feeling his frustration grow.  “It was also the way it was drawn in blood.  I’ve seen maybe two other crimes scenes with that.”_

Castiel had sighed after that and then was interrupted by Chuck.  They didn’t resolve anything.  Cas still didn’t seem to understand his “obsession”.

His phone then vibrated for the fourth time and then the vibration that indicated Sam had left a fourth message.  His brother could not take a hint.

He went back to looking at the pictures, reading a couple of news reports from a year or so ago, but it all became repetitive after the third article.  The pictures were how he remembered most of them.  But, something didn’t click.  They _were_ slightly different from those of Tessa’s case.  Maybe Cas was right.  Maybe he was looking too much into-

Dean’s phone began to vibrate again.  The officer growled and pulled out his phone, ignoring the call before starting to write a response.

“Quit calling!” he texted, hoping Sam would stop.  Once he hit ‘send’ he saw that only two of the calls were actually from Sam; one from Jo, and one from Bobby. _What the fuck was going on?_

He was half tempted to call Sam back, but as his finger hovered over the button, Charlie and Garth came walking in with a drunk looking man.

“Well, well, look who’s back behind a desk,” Charlie teased as Garth struggled to keep the man from tripping over his own feet.  Now that he was closer, Dean could smell the powerful stench of booze emitting from him.  “Thought you had patrol with Novak?’  Charlie leaned against the counter.

“Not pleased about it.”  Dean grumbled and exited out of the webpage.  “And I did.  Crowley didn’t seem to like that arrangement and switched us.

“Which is worse?’  The woman gave a snort and rolled her eyes.  She handed Dean a bag with the drunk man’s belongings.

“Haven’t decided.  Now-” Dean stood up and glanced from his friend to Garth “-Who is this?”

*****

Quarter past six found Dean wandering into the men’s locker room.  He was staring down at his phone, prepared to call Sam or Bobby back.  He had a text from Sam, similar to his voicemails he left, simply just asking—almost pleading—for him to call him when he could.

Dean held the phone to his ear, hearing it ring.  When he looked up, he didn’t realize that he was not alone in the room like he thought.  Cas was at his locker, changing into his short-sleeved uniform.  He immediately ended the call.

Castiel looked over at Dean when he saw movement.  He was hesitant to smile, not sure if Dean was still a little pissed at him for the whole Tessa-case theory.

“You’re on break too?”  Hestarted button up his shirt.

“Yeah.  I-I-” Dean cut off and thought if he should mention why he came into the room in the first place.  Nah, he’d bring it up once he knew why Sam was calling him.  “Just needed to get something.”  He walked over to his locker, pulling it open.

“You don’t seem too pissed off.”  Castiel glanced at Dean as he straightened his collar.  “I thought you’d be irritated that you were stuck in booking?

He shrugged.  “Eh, not today.”  He turned to his husband and smiled smugly.  “I have other things occupying my time.”

The dark-haired officer sighed and closed his locker.  “Are you really looking into this?  Dean, it’s nothing.  It’s probably just gang related.”  Now he was sounding like Tessa.

“It doesn’t mean it’s nothing.  They could be our new problem.”

Castiel threw his hands up leaned against the row of lockers.  “Just… I don’t know.”

“Aww,” Dean mocked.  “Are you concerned for my safety?”  Castiel swatted at the man’s shoulder.

“I just don’t want you getting fired if Crowley found out you’re doing some digging behind his back.”

“You are concerned.”  Dean’s smirk widened when Castiel remained silent.  “Fine.  I’ll stop for today.  Besides-” he glanced at Cas with a self-satisfying expression “-I want to get out on time today.  Got some plans.”

“Again, you’re being conceited.  And what the hell do you have after work that’s got you so excited?”  Cas sat on the bench, looking up at Dean who was fiddling around with something on his top shelf.

“It’s our anniversary,” Dean said teasingly as if his husband didn’t know.  He grabbed a small box from his locker and tossed it to Cas.  “See you at home.”  He winked and left the room, leaving an annoyed and stunned Cas, twirling the package in his hand. Dean was is a surprisingly good mood today, for what had happened earlier.  And since when did he want to “celebrate”?  Knowing his husband, it was just the sex he was interested in.

Dean dialed Sam’s number again.  He found an empty room and slipped inside. 

“What’s going on?” He demanded the moment he heard Sam pick up.  “Someone better be dying.”

 _“Charming.”_   Sam was probably rolled his eyes.  _“And relax; no one is dying, though you might be close,”_ hemuttered the last part under his breath, too low for Dean to catch.

“Okay, then why did you, Bobby and Jo all call me?  Clearly something is going on, and something major if you’ve got Jo involved.”

There was a brief pause and Dean could hear Sam exhale deeply. _“You know what?  Now might not be the best time.  I’ll call you back when you’re off work.  So how’s-”_

“Sam!” Dean cut in.  “Get to it.  I’m not done work until eleven and the last thing I want to do that late is talk to you.  Now, spill so you can stop bothering me.”

Sam was silent again, probably debating if he should go ahead and explain what was happening or wait.  Maybe he failed the bar.  It didn’t make sense, but it would be considered big news to Sam.  No, Jo wouldn’t be involved if that was the case.  Also, it wasn’t October yet.

Finally after a couple of minutes, Dean almost forgot his brother was on the other end, Sam finally spoke.  “You might want to sit down.  And… You’re not going to like this, but promise you won’t freak out.”

Dean’s brows furrowed in confusion.  “Quit stalling, Sammy.  Get to the fucking point.”  He hated how his brother took so long to get to the point.  He always had to build up the situation and get him to swear an oath that he won’t throttle him before his finished.

 _“Promise me, Dean.  You’re going to hear what you want and then jump off the ledge.”_ While had a point, it was have been a bit exaggerated. 

Dean rolled his eyes “Fine.  I’m not promising anything, but I’ll let you finish.”

“Are you sitting down?”

“Damn it, Sam!  I’m not a fucking girl-”  The older Winchester growled, but took a seat in the armchair.

 _“I know it’s your anniversary and this is probably that last thing you want hear, but… Dad’s parole went through.  It’s been granted this time.”_   Dean froze, listening to Sam’s words.  He was sure all the colour had drained from his face.  Now he understood Sam’s stalling.  _“Dad called this afternoon; he’s getting out in three weeks.”_

“A-and what’s this got to do with me?”  Dean swallowed hard, trying to keep his tone emotionless.  “He’s been in there for eight years, kind of about time.”

 _“Dean,”_ Sam’s voice was soft and pleading; he knew when Dean’s thoughts were going to. _“You know Bobby’s going to make you see him.  You might have gotten away with only yearly visits, but…”_

“I’m guessing Jo and Ellen know.  Jo called me.”  Dean ignored Sam’s comment.  The last thing he wanted to discuss was a visitation schedule.

_“They were with me when I got the call.”_

“Wait!  He called you?”

 _“Well he doesn’t have your number, Dean,”_ Sam shot back; the challenge was evident in his voice.  _“You also wouldn’t have answer it, and don’t deny it.”_

“I would have answered,” the older man argued petulantly, ignoring the humorless chuckle from his brother.

_“Sure you would, Dean.  Look, I was just calling to let you know.  I know I could have waited until tomorrow morning, but you hate when I ‘withhold information.’  I’ll talk to you again tomorrow?”_

Dean was silent for a moment, just trying to process everything that Sam told him.   He thought he was finish with his dad’s memory, that he left it behind years ago, but no, when it came to John Winchester he was still that eighteen-year-old boy looking for his father’s acceptance.

John’s voice echoed in Dean’s head, haunting him like a ghost.

**June 2006**

_“Well, look who actually showed up.”  John Winchester sat in a metal chair in an interview room.  His eyes had immediately narrowed the moment Dean had walked through the door._

_“Dad.”  Dean nodded curtly and took a seat in the chair on the opposite side of the table._

_“Bobby convinced ya, didn’t he?  There’s no way you’d have seen me on your own.”  John clasped his hands in front of him, placing them on the table. “Tell ya the truth, I really don’t want to see y-“_

_“Well, too bad.  I could say the same about you.  There are a thousand better ways I could be spending my Tuesday night than in a police station with my dad, but I’m not going to.  I drove all the way out here, and we’re gonna talk.”  Dean leaned forward, resting his forearms onto the table._

_“Where’s Sam,” John pressed on._

_“At home, with Bobby.  Where he belongs.”  Dean raised his eyebrow challengingly.  He knew alluding to the fact Sam safe away from their father was one of the biggest slap in the face he could have given John._

_John’s eyes clouded over, anger becoming clearly evident in his face.  “It’s all a mis-”_

_“You killed someone, dad,” Dean bit out getting right to it.  He didn’t want to take any verbal abuse from the man who was supposed to be his father.  He wasn’t the one facing criminal chargers, so he wasn’t going to be treated as such.  “They’re charging you with manslaughter while under the influence.  You’re going for ten years.  Fuck, doesn’t that even sake you a little bit?”  Suddenly Dean wished he had taken Cas’ offer and allowed him to come in.  He needed the support now.  Sitting in front of his father, listening to his words was almost too much._

_“It can be less,” John grunted, acting as if Dean was overreacting.  “Ten is just the maximum.”_

_“Dad, trust me: with your fucking record, you’ll get the maximum.”  Dean glanced around the room, focusing on the one-way mirror, which probably had the officer who spoke to him on the other side._

_“Come on, Dean,” John continued, acting as if his son never spoke.  “It’s not like you weren’t hoping I’d end up here permanently.  I know how you feel about me.”  The older man’s eyes were cold and empty.  It chilled Dean to see his father so nonchalant about his actions, like he—like Dean had expected it._

_“Dad, I—I never wanted you up here.  But the father I wanted is no longer around.  It’s too late, dad.”  Out of all the horrible things the father had done, this was by far the worst.  There was no arguing himself out of this one._

_“Sam’s gonna be a lawyer,” John continued speaking, as if Dean hadn’t just spoked.  “What are you?  Still doing side work for Bobby.  All you’ve ever done was come out as a fag.  You still with that Novak kid?”_

_Dean gritted his teeth.  Everything he’d ever done never reached his father’s expectations.  It was slap in the face.  Everything Dean ever tried to do to prove his father wrong.  He pushed through high school to prove that he wasn’t a waste.  Hell, he was about to graduate with his undergrad.  Yet, all that didn’t seem to be enough for John Winchester._

_“Cas is here actually,” Dean answered, a smug smile played his lips when he saw the annoyance flash though his eyes.  “And that’s not the point.  My life is not the important thing here, so I’d rather not hear what I’ve now done to disappoint you.”_

_“Well, it’s good to know that fucking-“_

_“Don’t call him anything, dad,” the younger Winchester cut in and stood up.  “I came here to try and talk about your life decisions.  The ones that have now ended you up in jail!  I didn’t come here to talk about anything else.  You know what, talk to Bobby.  I’m done.”_

_Dean didn’t know why he suddenly felt the need to stand up to his father.  It was normal for him to just take the verbal abuse, let it roll of him, but after dealing with it for so long, if John didn’t want to talk, then he wasn’t going to talk.  He’d probably feel guilty for it later, but right now he just wanted out of the room._

_“Go ahead,” John taunted.  “Leave.  You’re already left when you decided to stay with Bobby five years ago.  You’re already a disappointment.”_

_Dean struggled not to look back.  He wanted to, God, he wanted to, but he knew that’s what his father wanted: a reaction.  Instead, he pushed down the hurt feeling swelling in him and moved forward.  He pulled the door open when the buzz went off and walked out the room._

*****

It was quarter to midnight by the time Castiel got home.  He hadn’t seen Dean leave the station, but the Impala was parked in her stop, so he figured Dean was one his way.  The lights weren’t one, except for the one lamp on the side table next to the couch.

“Dean?”  He kicked off his shoes and dropped his bag at the door.  There was shuffling down the hall towards their bedroom, where Dean appeared from moments later, looking haggard and a beer in his hand.

Castiel watched Dean wearily.  He didn’t look good.  They both had been tired and run down at the end of shift before, but Dean looked… Horrible.

“S’up, Cas.  You’re looking…” Dean trailed off, letting his eyes travel up and down the other man’s body hungrily. 

“Dean-” Cas looked at the bottle in his husband’s hand and then to the man himself “-Are you okay?”  He didn’t look drunk.  He wasn’t _acting_ drunk, but something was definitely off.Cas removed his windbreak, which was wet from the downpour happening outside, and placed it in the closet before moving closer to Dean.

“Course I am.  It’s our anniversary for another-” Dean looked at his watch “-Thirteen minutes.  Should make the most of it.”  The beer was placed on the side table, freeing up both of his hands.  He walked up to Castiel, who was still slightly puzzled by his partner’s behaviour. 

Their lips met with Dean initiating the kiss.  Cas stilled not sure how to react, but the way his husband was stroking his hair, he quickly melted and allowed himself to be pulled into a needy kiss.  It was messy and desperate.  Dean’s hands immediately found Cas’ hips and pulled the man to him, and up against a wall.  Castiel rocked his hips eagerly.  He could feel Dean’s erection pressed against his hip.

“Ug-h-gh,” Cas moaned and let his hands wander up the other man’s chest, feeling the muscles under the thin t-shirt.  His hands moved up to Dean’s neck, cupping it and slowly moving up into the short, soft strands of hair.  He pulled at the ends, elicitinga low groan from his partner’s throat.

Dean then grabbed Cas’ hands,pulling them away and pinned them above his head.  He was panting slightly, and looked at Cas, whose face was covered in confusion. 

“De-” Cas was promptly cut off by Dean, pulling him in for a longing kiss.  It was weird; it was different.  Castiel felt like they were newly married again, and not grudgingly celebrating their nine year anniversary.

“Shh,” Dean whispered.  He let go of Castiel’s hands, letting them drop to his side.  “Just give me this.  Let me have this tonight.”  He looked into Cas’ eyes, hoping he understood he didn’t want to talk. 

Castiel’s brows furrowed in confusion, his eyes searched Dean’s for answers, but like always, there was nothing but pleading.  He wasn’t sure if he should.  Something clearly happened, and Dean was bothered by it.

When Castiel didn’t answer right away, Dean dipped his head, pressing his lips to Castiel’s neck, gently sucking at his pulse point.  “Please,” Castiel felt it more than he heard Dean say it.

This wasn’t how he imagined the night to turn out like.  It was almost like Dean needed to let out emotions, emotions that wasn’t pent up frustration or sexual tension.  They weren’t tearing at each other’s clothes, teeth clashing as they kissed; heavily, desperately panting for air. 

Castiel didn’t reply, he just let Dean slow the pace, and lead him into their bedroom.  Like the living room, only Dean’s nightstand lamp was on, illuminating the room in a golden glow, but casting shadows into the corner.

Dean pulled away and moved to Cas’ jaw, nibbling and sucking lightly as he proceeded to remove Cas’ t-shirt.  He pulled at the hem, lifting it to the man’s chest before moving back, so he could lift the shirt over his head.

“You’re hair’s wet,” the older man teased, threading his fingers though Cas’ dark, damp strands.

Cas refrained from rolling his eyes.  “Well, it is raining out-”

“Don’t care,” Dean muttered against Castiel’s lips.  He ran his hands down his husband’s chest, feeling the soft skin under his touch.  Cas shivered at the warm touch under his cool-ish skin.

“I think…”Castiel trailed off, giving Dean a deep kiss.  “This should move along.”  It was obviously past midnight now, officially ending their anniversary.  And while neither man could care, Cas was hard and straining against his jeans.  Dean has never been this attentive in ages and it felt nice, but also wound Cas up embarrassingly fast.

They made quick work of their clothes, falling into a pile on the floor.  Dean pushed the younger man back, causing him to flop onto the bed.

“I need to forget,” Dean mumbled as his eyes ranked down Cas’ body, taking in the sight.  His voice was distant, tempting Cas to ask where he was disappearing to.  He felt like he didn’t have Dean’s full attention on their…present situation.

“Let me have you,” Dean mouth against hip, kissing and sucking up the man’s torso.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, his eyes fluttering closed.  “You have me.  Ju-just take me.  Hard and fast.  Slow.  I don’t care.”  It had been three weeks since Dean showed any interest in taking him, and he may be a little eager than usual.

Dean draped himself over Cas.  Their cocks slotted together, creating a delicious friction, pulling a groan from both men.

“Gonna fuck you, Cas.  Gonna take you hard and deep.”  Dean glanced down at his husband.  His eyes were almost black, his pupils dilated, covering the bright green.  Cas shivered under his gaze and moaned.  Dean’s words, if possible, made his harder.

The older man smirked and reached over to his nightstand, pulling the bottle of lube from the drawer.  He popped open the cap, quickly coating his fingers and tossing the bottle to the side.

He circled a finger around Cas’ rim.  The man hissed and arched his back at the cool touch.  He pushed the digit in slowly, letting Cas adjust to the intrusion.  Once his wiggled against his finger, Dean began to move in and out.  He quickly added a second finger and then a third. 

When Cas was a begging mess, he pulled out.“Dean.  Fuck me.”  He needed more.  Dean’s finger were not enough.  They didn’t reach or fill him where he needed.

Dean chuckled deeply at his husband.  Cas always swore more than usual during sex; it was kind of a turn on.  He reach over and grabbed the lube again, slicking up his cock before pressing against Cas’ hole.

He waited a second before pushing in, burying himself to the hilt.  He didn’t give Cas a moment to adjust before he started moving, pulling back and thrusting forward with the same force.

Cas moved up the bed slightly from the force.  He wrapped his legs high up Dean’s waist, giving the man a better angle.

“Ugh, Cas.  So tight.  Always so tight,” Dean groaned through gritted teeth.  He moved his hips in a fast, hard pace, almost like he was desperate for release, taking all of his pent up frustrations out through sex.

“D-Dean.”  Castiel gasped sharply when his partner gripped his hair, pulling harshly on the ends, tipping his head back, baring his neck.Cas bucked his hips against Dean’s, moving in time with the thrusts.

Dean moaned and held Cas’ hip down with his free hand.  Cas let out a low whine of frustration, while Dean just chuckled darkly and changed his rhythm.

He gripped onto Cas’ hair pulling at it with his right hand, while his left moved to his husband’s shoulder.  He buried his head against the younger man’s neck, muffling his cries and groans.  His breath was warm against Cas’ skin.

He rocked hard and deep against Cas, pulling a low moan from the man beneath him.

“Dean, fuck.”  Castiel’s voice was hoarse and lower than usual.  It sent a sparks through Dean. “H-harder.”  He was close, just needed a little more, but Dean was not giving it, too absorbed in his rhythm.

“S-shit, Cas.”  Dean angled his hips, striking Cas’ prostate.  It was what Cas need though.  His cock twitched against his stomach.

“I’m close, Dean.  Ple-ugh,” Castiel groaned and threw his head back. Dean changed the angle, purposely brushing over Cas’ prostate each time.

“Let go, babe,” Dean whispered hoarsely.  He moved his hand from his partner’s hair and wrapped it around his cock, creating a tight funnel.   He moved in time with his thrusts.  Fast, tight motion. 

Cas let out a low whimper and grabbed at Dean’s back, needing something hold.  He gave a straggled cry when Dean hit that spot inside him and brush his thumb over his slit.  He came in long spurts of come, painting his stomach and Dean’s hand in white.

Dean continued to pump his husband’s cock, get every drop his could, letting Cas ride out his pleasure.  He continued to thrust into Cas, half desperate to reach his orgasm. 

His eyes were closed, teeth gritted.  Small beads to sweat trickled down his forehead and chest.  Castiel stared up at Dean, watching the tension in his partner’s face.

He lifted a hand and cupped his husband’s tense jaw.  “Mm-hmm,” he moaned as Dean continued to move in him.  It was only a couple more before Dean cried out his partner’s name.

“C-Cas,” Dean cried out; his thrust faulted as his release washed over him.  He collapsed onto Castiel, panting hot air against the man’s face.   He was only vaguely aware of a pair of arms wrapping around him, fingers running lightly over his spine.  Had he been in a better state of mind the closeness that that they stayed in would have bothered him.

When the air had cooled and Castiel finally drifted off, Dean’s mind wandered.  No mattered what he did he couldn’t find sleep, and was not going to anytime soon.  His mind slowly found its way back to earlier.

His father was coming back.  He was coming back in less than a month, and he knew visits would be inevitable.  He got away with minimum visits while John was in jail—though Sam never approved—he knew there was no way he’d get away with the same behaviour now.

He could remember the day they got the call; the day Cas and he drove to Long Island City.  Bobby had called, asking Dean to go to the station.  He had be apprehensive, but in the end he had sat in front of his father, and that visit hadn’t ended the anyone thought.  Castiel, though, had been so supportive and understand.  John never gave him the respect he deserved, practically hated the boy for stepping into his son’s life.

*****

**June 2006**

_“You know one thing I love about having our own place?” Dean smirked, placing his beer on the wooden coffee table.  They had just finished dinner and was now lounging around._

_Cas arched an eyebrow and turned to face Dean.  “What’s that?”  He had a pretty good idea where Dean was taking this, but wanted to entertain him for a bit._

_“The fact that no one is around to interrupt us.”  Dean leaned forward, cupping Castiel’s face when their lips met._

_The kiss started out gentle and soft, which quickly turned heated.  Castiel pulled at Dean’s shirt, holding the man close.  He moved his hands to Cas’ hips, pulling the man closer._

_“Mmm, Dean,” Cas moaned and moved so he was now straddling Dean’s lap.  He pressed himself down against his boyfriend, rolling his hips._

_“Fuck, Cas.”  He moved his lips to Cas’ neck, working a mark just above his collarbone.  “I need y-” Dean was cut off the shrill ring of the phone.  Deciding to ignore it, Dean pulled on Castiel’s shirt, slipping the first two buttons through their holes._

_“Dean,” Cas groaned, trying to pull back.  “Dean.”  He shoved at Dean when he didn’t respond.  “Answer the damn phone.”_

_Dean hadn’t realized but the phone was ringing for the second time.  They still didn’t have the answering machine set up—it was packed somewhere in one of the boxes.  He grumbled and reach for the phone next to his beer._

_“What?” he snapped into the receiver.  Castiel placed his fist in front of his mouth to keep from laughing._

_“Don’t use that tone with me,” Bobby snapped back._

_“Well, you’re kind of interrupting something important.”  Dean glared over at Castiel, irritated at him for disrupting their moment.   “What do you want, Bobby?” he asked when the man only grunted in response._

_“Dean, it’s-” the man paused and suddenly a hundred different scenarios flew through his mind.  Was it Sam?  Did something happen to him?  “It’s your dad.”_

_For a moment, relief flooded though Dean.  Sam was fine, he repeated in his head.  But then an unsettling feeling filled the pit of his stomach.  His dad.  He hadn’t heard from the man in over a year, since he last returned from one of his infamous benders._

_“What did he do?” Cas caught Dean’s eyes and he shook his head.  He was not going to answer his boyfriend’s questions right now.  He need Bobby to explain everything first._

_“I need you to go over to Queens and talk to him.  The police station called a couple of hours ago.  I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but it’s serious,” he explained, not realizing that Dean hadn’t heard anything past ‘police station’._

_“W-what?” Dean nearly yelled, startling Cas.  He placed his free hand on Cas’ arm, running it up and down soothingly.  “What the fuck did he do?”_

_Bobby sighed heavily, clearly expecting the reaction Dean had given him. The kid could be a lot like his father and didn’t even realize it.  Though he’d never admit it to the boy.   “He—he’s been arrested.  In Queens.  I need you to go over and see him.”_

_“Fuck no.  There is no way I am driving there to see that bastard.  He can rot in there for all I care.”  Dean’s grip tightened around the phone.  Cas had moved Dean’s hand off him and was now rubbing his arm, trying to sooth Dean himself._

_“Dean, please,” the man begged.  He tone was clipped.  “I would do it myself, but you’re closer and I have Sam with me.  I’d rather not drag him into this until we understand everything.”_

_“Bobby, Sam’s seventeen, not seven.  He’ll understand.  Besides-” Dean glanced atCas, who was turning on the second lamp._

_“Dean, this is your father.  Now I know he hasn’t been around a lot and he’s done a lot of terrible shit, but just do him this one favour.”  Dean could hear Bobby swear under his breath, too quiet to actually hear what he was saying._

_“Are you fucking kidding me?  He called me an embarrassment to the family.  A fucking fag, and you expect me to go see him in jail.  As I said, he can go rot in there.”  Dean stood up from the couch, pacing the short length of their living room.  Bobby clearly didn’t understand what he was asking of Dean._

_“Dean, just do me this favour.  I promise, I won’t push you to do it again.  But-” he paused.  Dean could hear some shuffling around and what may have been Sam’s voice in the background.  “Look, I just need your help.  Don’t be so selfish and think of yourself.  If you won’t do this for your dad, do it for me.”_

_Dean had a few things he wanted to shoot back.  He wanted to argue and put up a fight; throw a tantrum like a child.  Reluctantly, mainly because of Cas’ pleading eyes, he agreed, but on the conditions Bobby had promised._

_*****_

_“Do you want me to come in?” Cas asked, breaking the long silence that had fell over the car.  They were parked outside of the police station in Long Island City._

_As soon as Dean hung up, and a long moment alone in silence, Dean explained to Cas what was happening.  His boyfriend hadn’t pressed him for more information, making him incredibly grateful for his understanding attitude.  He did however; insist on going with Dean to the station._

_“No.”  Dean shook his head.  “It’s best if you just stayed here.”  This situation was already bad enough.  His father was arrested again for drunk driving, from what Bobby had shared with him when he called back a moment later to ask Dean to call him once they were done.  However, this time is seemed different.  Dean didn’t know why but he had a feeling that this time his father was not getting out as easily._

_Cas just nodded.  He wanted to argue that Dean could use the support, but one thing that he’s learned in the four years he’s know Dean Winchester is the man was stubborn.  He won’t budge on his first decision, no matter how asinine it may be._

_Dean stared ahead at the building.  It was big and intimidating.  He wanted to be a police officer; he’d applied to the NYPD already, but being here, on the other end was something hehad wanted to avoid._

_“I’m going in.”  Dean finally made a move, after sitting ridged for the past five minutes.  “Just wait here.”  He turned to Cas and tried to offer a reassuring smile.  He knew Cas was worrying about him and he wanted to show him he was okay even though he really wasn’t.  Judging by Castiel’s face, the smile did not have the desired effect._

_“I love you, Dean.  Please, don’t let whatever your father may say upset you.  You’re a great man.”  Cas leaned over and pressed a brief but affectionate kiss to Dean’s lips._

_Dean nodded and opened the door, getting out of the car.  “Love you, too.”  He slammed the door shut and walked up to the front door._


	12. Chapter Twelve

“So Sam’s gonna get his results sometime this week?” Gabriel asked around a mouthful of chocolate.  He was currently on his fourth chocolate pumpkin.

Castiel, who was sat in the large armchair across from Gabriel looked up and cocked an eyebrow.  “He’s supposed to.  And why do you want to know?”

Gabriel swallowed and shrugged.  “He just mentioned something last week about wanting to get the waiting over with.”  He picked up a miniature chocolate bar and tore open the wrapper.

Castiel looked up from his laptop again.  “You were with Sam last week?  Since when did you two become so close?”  It was interesting.  His family never really took to Dean’s; it made early Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners awkward, until finally they decided to alternate families each year.

“You know, some Novaks actually get along with some Winchesters.”  It was a dig at Michael mainly, but also a subtle dig at his youngest brother’s marriage.  He knew Dean and Cas were on the rocks, whether the ‘happy couple’ were willing to admit to it or not.

Castiel opened his mouth to retort, but couldn’t find the proper words.  Gabriel’s statement had taken him by surprise.

“Sorry,” Gabriel mumbled, realizing it had been a low blow, but Cas brushed it off.

“It’s fine.”  Gabriel was right, although he wasn’t about to admit it.  “Seriously?  How many has that been?”  Castiel reached over to where Gabriel sat and snatched the rather large bag of assorted candy.  “How many has this been?”  He attempted to take the small chocolate pumpkin ball from Gabriel, who shoved it in his mouth like a child, with a smile to match.

Castiel rolled his eyes and placed the candy next to him, out of his brother’s reach. 

“Aww, come on, Cassie,” the thirty-year-old whined.  “It’s Halloween; you’ve got to have fun.”

“Halloween’s not for another two days.”  The younger Novak looked around the apartment.  There were several miniature pumpkins scattering the space.  There was one at the top of the stairs that led down to the kitchen and two—one at the top and bottom—by the steps leading up to the bedroom area. 

Gabriel’s apartment was an interesting set up with three-story; the kitchen being the first, then six steps leading to the living room, and then another set of stairs leading to the bedroom, which was openly visible from the living room.

“And I’ve got to get my fill on candy,” Gabriel defended and got up from the couch.

“Don’t you always,” Castiel muttered under his breath.  Gabe heard, but chose to ignore it.

“It’s when the stores have all the great stuff,” the older Novak continued.  He walked down to the kitchen, still visible to Cas thanks to the bar railing that ran along the length of stairs to the wall.  “And the best part is, it get discounted the day after.”

“So, I’m guessing you’re not willing to share?  Not going to give out candy this year?”  Gabriel returned with his secondbeer and sat back on the couch.

“Not sure.  I’m going over to Lucifer’s this time.  Don’t think his place allows it.”  Usually kids went trick-or-treating within the buildings, knocking on the doors on each floor, collecting candy.  It was a little different from what Castiel remembered when he was a kid.  Michael had refused to let them out Halloween.  Castiel had complied, but Gabriel and Lucifer had found a way to get out of the house.

“What about you?”  Gabriel took another slip from his beer.  “You and the ol’ husband gonna hand out any treats?”

“No.”  Castiel didn’t look up from his laptop so see the impish smile spread over his brother’s face. 

“Too busy roleplaying?  Halloween is a great time for kinky sex, I can’t disagree with you there.  All the costumes and props.”

“Gabe!” Cas gasped in embarrassment, only to receive laughter from Gabriel.  God, his brotherreally was too much fun to mess with.

“Relax, Cassie.  I’m just teasing you.  But, damn, you flush like a fucking virgin when sex is brought up.  Though I know that’s far from the truth. We all heard you and Dean last New Year’s. ”  Gabriel gave a dirty wink and laughed harder when his brother groaned and covered his eyes with his hand.  “Okay.  Okay.  I had my fun; I’ll stop.”

Castiel was grateful, though he didn’t know if his brother meant it.   He wasn’t one to keep his word if it meant passing up on an opportunity to embarrass somebody.

“So, what?  Are you two working?  What is that like?  You must meet some pretty fucked up people on Halloween.  Or is it your building?”

Castiel just shrugged.  “I think Dean’s going over to Bobby’s with Sam.  That’s if Sam is in the mood.”  Castiel didn’t miss the way Gabriel’s attention shifted fully to him at the mention of the youngest Winchester.  “Our building allows it, so I might stay around and hand something out.  I don’t know.  I don’t think Dean and I will be spending it together.  We usually are never together on Halloween anyway.  It’s not like we’re missing anything.”  He didn’t know why he was explaining this.  Gabriel probably didn’t care for the reason.

“When did Sam break up with Jess?”  The question was out of the blue.  A comfortable silence had fallen over the two brother, but Gabe bluntly broke it.  He cringed inwardly at how he must have sounded.

Castiel raised his head, it was leaning to the side against his right hand.  He closed his laptop and set it on the glass coffee table before answering.  “Sometime in June.  Shortly after Sam’s graduation.  Again, why do you want to know?”  Subtlety was never Gabriel’s strong suit.

His brother shrugged and pursed his lips.  “Sam just mentioned it one day when I asked where she was.  He didn’t go into details and I wasn’t about to ask him for them.  But I thought he was crazy about her.  Last time I saw the kid he was seriously considering marriage.”

“According to Dean, they just ended.”  Castiel shrugged and shifted in the chair so he could cross his legs.  “Dean didn’t want to talk about it, and Sam wasn’t offering either.”

There was a brief pause before Gabriel continued, changing the topic.  “So I talked to Michael yesterday.  We’ve got the hotel booked.  Four rooms.  It’s official: you and Dean are coming this year.  And if you back out, you’re forking out the money for it.”  He pointed a finger warningly. 

Every year or so, Dean and Cas backed out of the annual Novak family vacation.  Last year neither went, and two years ago Dean had refused to go.  This year they had to.

“I thought the point of a family vacation was to spend time as a family—not fly to the same resort together and avoid each other for a week.”

Gabriel shrugged.  “You know us.  If any of us shared a room we’d kill each other.  Except you and lover boy; you’d just fuck each other.” 

There was another groan from Cas as he narrowed his eyes at his brother.  “We’re family, Gabe.  You should not be comfortable talking like that with me.

The shorter man shrugged again.  “Eh.  I really don’t have any shame.  You should try it Cassie.  You still have that stick up your ass, you’ve just replaced it with Dean’s-”

“Okay!  Enough!”

*****

It seemed like as soon as November came, so did winter.  Though there wasn't any snow, jackets were a must and so were gloves.

It was a bleak, cloudy day. Had it not been for the cool wind, Dean would have thought it was going to rain.

“Are you sure you sure you’re up for a party tonight?” Charlie asked, walking with Dean as the ambulance drove off. 

“My brother’s finally a lawyer. If I worked twenty-four hours without sleep I’d still be there.”

Charlie smiled.  “I’m just saying.  This isn’t starting off as an easy day.”

They were currently tending to a shooting. Gang related obviously, but it was sloppily done. They victim was still alive, and looked like he’d pull through. Right now they were supposed to be going door to door, taking statements.

“It’s Sam.  Dean would walk over broken glass for him,” Chuck laughed.  He had Becky with him, who was staring at Dean with a little-too giddy smile for dealing with a crime scene.

“Ha ha.  Oh, you’re all so funny. Just because you're all only children-”

“Dean, come on.”Cas waved from the door, beckoning him over.  “We’re going through the third floor and fourth, so let’s go.  You want to get out of here on time; we need to get moving.”

Dean followed his husband up the stairs, leading to a hallway with about ten units.

“I’ll take evens, you take odds?”  Dean shrugged and moved to the first door. He was taking odds.

*****

Castiel walked the man outside, who was struggling against him.

“You’re making a mistake officer.  I’m not the one you’re looking-”

“Yeah, yeah.  That’s what everyone says,” Dean interrupted.  “Charlie!”

The woman, who was leaning against her car looked up.

“Would you take—what’s your name?”  Dean turned to the man, who sighed.

“I told you, my name is Gadreel.”

Charlie’s eyebrows rose as Dean rolled his eyes.  “Yeah. Like that's your real name. Look, just take him for us, we have a few units we need to finish and then we’ll meet you back at the station.”

“Gadreel, is it?”  Charlie opened the door and allowed Cas to assist the man into the car, promptly closing it after the man was seated.   “What kind of name is that?”

“It’s an angel name,” Cas responded, stepping back onto the curd next to Dean.  “Gadreel was the angel...” he trailed off when he realized no one really cared. Charlie look amused, but it was probably more from the fact that he knew than the actual meaning.

“Anyway.”  Dean cleared his throat.  “We’ll meet you back at the station.”

“Okay.  And don't worry, I’ll take care of our ‘angel’ friend.”  The officer then got into her car and drove off.

“His name is Ezekiel Harrison?  Sounds like a dick. But yet again, anyone named after an angel is a dick.”  Dean leaned against the counter and smirked amusingly.

Cas reached for a lid while glaring at Dean.  “I’m going to ignore that.”  His voice was calm and level like normal.

A man they were talking about was the current suspect in the attempted murder case. Charlie had found them when they had returned to the station and updated them.

“He knows something.  The little weasel is just refusing to talk.”

“People typically shut up around the cops.  We’re not exactly everyone’s best friend.”  Castiel picked up his coffee and left the break room, Dean followed closely.

“Doesn’t he just bother you just a little bit?”  He glanced at Castiel’s profile, focusing hard to keep his eyes straight ahead. 

“Winchester!”  Dean and Cas turned to see Benny walking towards them.  “And Novak.”  He nodded curtly.

Castiel offered a smile, which felt more like a grimace.  He stared at the detective, trying to figure out what he wanted to talk to Dean about.  Dean and Benny had been spending a lot of time together at work.

“Uh, listen, mind if I have a word with you?  Alone?”  The ‘alone’ was unnecessary.  Castiel already knew he was not wanted.  Benny glanced at Cas, who was still staring at him.

“We’ll finish this later,” Cas sighed before Dean could respond and walked off.

“Weird dude.”  Benny and Dean watched the other officer turn around a corner.  “He stares a lot; know if you noticed.  Just kind of looks like he’s staring into your soul or somethin’.”

Dean chuckled, but it was strained.  It kind of bugged him when people called Cas weird.  Sure, his husband was a little… Socially awkward, something he had almost grown out of since becoming a cop, but there were some habits he just couldn’t break.  Cas was a great cop though.  He was the one out of the two of them could to calm almost any situation.

“Anyway.”  Benny cleared his throat after a moment.  He waved his hand in a ‘follow me’ motion and lead Dean to the empty briefing room.

“So what’s the problem-?” Dean was cut off as the detective closed the door.

“There’s been a bit of a setback."

“Okay.”  Dean nodded and thinned his lips.

The last week of October Benny found him, announcing that he had been accepted to the undercover op.   It was a bit of a shock, considering the idea of him getting the job had been wishful thinking.  They had made an advance decision on him, but it would be another couple of weeks until he found out who he'd be working with.  He told Sam last week, letting the news sink in first.  Considering Sam got his bar results the next day.   Bobby didn’t know yet and neither did Cas.  He wasn’t about to let Sam know that.  He was going to tell Cas, just not yet.  It would just lead to a fight and Castiel desperately trying to talk him out of going.  It was for the best.  The minimum was three months; it was giving Cas and him the break they needed.

“And what does this mean for us?”

“It means instead of December, it looks like you’re not going until March.  Our source had a slip up. We need enough time to correct this.”

January.  Damn, there goes his excuse for getting out of Punta Cana.  The last week of November was Cas’ family trip.  He had been lucky to get out of it last year, though Cas didn’t go either, so that helped.  This year, he didn’t have any excuse and Cas was going.  A four hour flight was not on the list of things he wanted to ever do.

“Look,” the man continued when Dean didn’t say anything, “we’re still going forward, we’ve just been delayed.”

Dean shook his head and crossed his arms, staring down at the table in front of him.  “It’s not that.  Just thinking of something else.

“Havin’ to explain it to your family?”

“Something like that,” Dean muttered.  Damn, he really didn’t want to spend ten days with his in-laws.  They already hated him enough. Well, Michael did.  “All right.  Well, thanks for letting me know. Keep me updated?”

Benny nodded.  “Will do.”

Dean nodded once and left the room.

*****

Surprisingly, for how busy their day had been, Dean and Cas made it out of work on time.  After dropping Castiel's car off they headed to The Roadhouse.

“You seem tense,” Castiel said after a long stretch of silence.  “What’s on your mind?”

It’d be a miracle if he got Dean to talk, but he figured he’d give it a shot.  Over the past month or so Dean had been a lot more snippy than usual; picking fights whenever he could.  This was the first time going to Bobby's in over a month. He’d never pointed it out, but Castiel noticed that ever since John’s release, he purposely avoided anyone who had contact with his father.

That had been a rough week. Things grew a lot tenser between them. It had been almost unbearable at work, but luckily their friends over looked it, just assuming they were up to their usual antics.

“That Ezekiel certainly was arrogant.  I don’t have a good feeling about him.”  Dean was thinking out loud, replaying today’s events in his head.

Castiel shrugged and focused on the red Toyota ahead of them.  “You don’t get a good feeling of most people, Dean.  It’s a hazard of the job.”

“I’m not the only one.”  Dean glanced over at his partner.  “Kevin thinks Rogers should have nailed him with something.  Charlie had a few things to say about him.”

“He was suspicious, I will admit, but Dean-” Cas shifted in his seat to face Dean “-Don’t do anything stupid.  I don’t want you fired.  You’re already unbearable enough with this job; if you lost it…I don’t even know.”

“I’m not going to do anything illegal.  And if I did, I have my own lawyer.”  Dean gave a cocky smirk.

Castiel frowned.  “You better not do anything fucked up.  So help me, Dean, I will not bail you out.”

“Aww,” Dean cooed.  “Don’t say that.  Isn’t there some code that says you don’t get to testify if I murder someone?”

“Spousal privileges.  And don’t patronize me,” Cas snapped.  “Who says I’ll take advantage of that.  Who do you plan on murdering?”  It was meant as a joke came out hasher than he has intended.

“Come on,” Dean grumbled.  “You’re my husband.  You’re supposed to stand by me and support me.”

Castiel chuckled humourlessly.  “So now you want to acknowledge me as your spouse when it’s convenient.”

“I always acknowledge you as my husband,” Dean argued, voice raised slightly.  “You’re my permanent pain in my ass.  How could I forget? And besides, if I die everything’s left in your name. “

“That’s the only good thing out of all this,” Castiel growled and gritted his teeth.  Damn, he didn’t mean to say that.  Taking a calming breath, he continued on, ignoring Dean’s thoughtful look.  “Dean, I do believe you!  At times, but you can just jump to conclusions without evidence.  You should know that.”

Dean was silent for a moment.  Something Cas had said rubbed him the wrong way.  “Would you really be glad if I died?”

“Dean," Castiel spoke with a heavy sigh, “that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” Dean challenged.  He was being unfair.  Cas hadn’t made any comment about wishing him dead.  He caught Cas’ incredulous look.  “Sorry,” he sighed heavily and rubbed a hand over his face tiredly. 

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.  A heavy silence fell over car before he broke it, speaking just above a whisper.  “I wouldn’t.”

Dean made a noise of acknowledgement.  He knew Cas would never wish that.  He had twisted Cas’ words.

“I know,” he said just as quietly.

*****

Things were tense between the spouses as they entered the Roadhouse.  Neither one apologized; neither one spoke.  If anyone noticed the stoic expression on Cas’ face or the tension in Dean’s shoulders, no one said anything.

Dean was immediately pulled to the bar by Jo, who offered him a beer.  Cas headed to the other side of the restaurant where Ellen was setting up a table of food.

An hour passed and Dean was sat at the bar, laughing at some joke Jo told him.  Castiel was now off to the side, standing next to Ash.  The man was telling him something about—he really didn’t know what the man was talking about.  He felt like an ass, but he was too focused on Dean.  He looked so relaxed, more than he had in days.  He knew having John back in his life—though he had yet to see John—had been taxing.  Work had also been stressful for both of them, but something else seemed to be keeping his husband up at night.

“So then Ellen told—Cas?”  Ash waved his hand in front of Cas’ face. 

“Well, look who _finally_ decided to show up!” Dean quipped as soon as he saw the towering figure of his brother walk through the door.  “The whole damn party is for you and you show up an hour late?”

Castiel broke from his trance and smiled politely at Ash, muttering an apology before he walked over to Jo, he had a better view of Dean from the bar.

Sam’s cheeks were red from the cold and stung as the warm air hit him.  There was still no snow on the ground, however, being the first week of November that was expected.  The temperature, though, was definitely winter weather.

“Sorry.  Traffic.”  Sam shrugged his jacket off and tossed it onto a booth where a couple of coats were.

“Yeah, yeah.”  Dean wrapped his arm around Sam’s shoulders and led him over to the bar.  “Just get in here.  We can finally get to the food.”

The youngest Winchester rolled his eyes.  He was glad his brother was in a good mood.  After the events of last month, things had been tense to say the least.  Sam looked around the room, noticing everyone who was there.  He smiled softly when he saw Gabriel talking to Cas.  Dean could insult his brother-in-law whenever he wanted, but Sam liked hanging out with Gabe.  The second youngest Novak was probably the most laid back person he’d ever met.

Ellen and Jo were at the bar, talking to Bobby, and lining up two rows of shot glasses.  Jo was trying to convince Cas to take the row of shots, which was turning into a losing battle.  Ash was at the ‘snack’ table, which was just three tables pushed together.  There were only two people missing: Andy, who had a bunch of papers to grade, and John. 

This would be the first there would see their dad with everyone around.  Sam was anxious and a little fidgety.   After years of visiting John in jail, he could safely say that he didn’t think he was the same man who had raised them. 

They had some good memories too.  Not all events with John had been bad.  There had been times where John had bought them things from his trips.  They had gone to the movies once and then for ice cream.  Dean even had a letter from their dad from his graduation.  Dean pretended like he didn’t have it anymore, but Cas had told Sam that Dean still had it in his nightstand.

“Well, isn’t Mr. Hotshot Lawyer.”  Sam turned around and spotted Gabriel.  “Got any big cases lined up?  Planning to become the next Johnnie Cochran?

Sam gave a short laugh. “I don’t actually start work until the new year.  They’re slowly easing me into the field, which means I get a lot of time off.”

“Well isn’t that the dream.”

Sam shrugged.  “I guess.  Just means a lot of time alone.  I don’t exactly have a life at the moment.”

“College can do that,” the older man agreed.  He knew it all too well.  He didn’t suffer through eleven years of university without giving up most of his social life.  And then a grand idea—if he did say so himself—came to mind.  “Hey, ever been to the Dominican?  You should come with us.”  Gabriel smiled, ignoring the fact that Sam choked on his beer.

“W-what?” he wheezed, coughing a couple of times.  Gabriel thumped him on the back, but his smile never wavered.  In fact, it widened as the idea sounded more appealing now that he’d said it. 

“There’s still time to book another room.  I just have to make some-”

“Are you kidding?” Sam chuckled, still sounding strained.  “Do you know how much that’s going to cost?”  Gabriel raised an eyebrow.  Sam scoffed and cleared his throat, finally getting him breathing under control.  “Of course you do, you’re going on the damn trip,” he muttered, a faint grin began to appear.

Gabriel stared at Sam.  Damn, he was almost as fun to mess with as Dean.  “Come on; I’m serious.  I need a partner in all of this.  Lucifer’s going to go off and dick around.  Michael, I’d rather give up chocolate than spend a week with him.  Maybe not,” he added when he saw Sam’s amused expression.  “Dean and Cas, as much as our brothers fright, I know damn well they’ll team up.  So that leaves me all on my lonesome.”

Gabriel pouted, trying to give his best ‘pity me’ face, but Sam wasn’t falling for it.

“Even if I wanted to go, I can’t.”

“Why not?”  Gabriel continued to pout.  For a thirty-two-year old male, who was a doctor, Sam might add, he did not act that way.

“Look, I may have gotten a scholarship, but I don’t exactly have the money for trips or splurging lying around.”

“I’m serious,” Gabriel said determinedly.  “We can consider this my graduation gift to you.

Sam thinned his lips.  He didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but this gesture was too much.  Especially from a man he only knew through his brother’s marriage.  Sure, since bumping into Gabriel at the café two months ago they met up again, exchanging numbers, but that didn’t mean he could let the older man pay his way for a trip.

“Gabe, you didn’t know I graduated until I told you.  You don’t owe me anything.”

“Ah.”  Gabriel waved his hand nonchalantly.  “Details.  You just suffered through eight years of school. You need to get away.  I went to Mexico when I graduated.  Best time of my life, though...” the man paused and looked thoughtfully before a large mischievous smile spread across his face, “I don’t remember much of it.  The alcohol was good.”

Sam busted out laughing.  Gabe really hadn’t changed from the twenty-one-year-old he knew.  The guy still loved to have a good time.

“And I did know you graduated.”  Sam raised a quizzical eyebrow.  “Cassie gives very good updates.  You’re coming with us, Sam.  You’re technically family and this is a _family_ trip.

“Gabe-”

“Just shut up and say you’ll come.”  Gabriel nudged Sam playfully.

“It’s still too-”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Gabriel grinned victoriously. 

*****

It had just turned eight when John Winchester strolled in, allowing a gust of cold air to blow through the building.  Dean shivered, though he wasn’t sure if it was really because of the cold.  Sam was standing next to him, oblivious to the struggle he was fighting.

John walked over to Bobby, greeting him like an old friend. 

“He actually came.” Dean almost smirked in spite of himself.  This was the first real family celebration since John’s release, and seeing his father actually follow through on a promise, especially about Sam was almost pleasing.

“I told him he was welcome.  Are you going to be okay?” Sam explained, glancing down at his brother.

Dean didn’t respond.  Instead, he watched his dad go from Bobby to Ellen, and then to Cas and Jo.  His fist tightened around his beer when John stood in front of his husband.  He couldn’t tell what he was saying, but judging by Cas’ clenched jaw and shocked face, he said something Cas wasn’t expecting.  He held out his hand and Castiel carefully took it.

They stood and talked for a few moments before the senior Winchester turned away, eyes landing on his sons.  He gave a rare smile and started walking towards them. 

“Please, Dean,” Sam said in a low voice, still keeping his eyes on their dad, “don’t start anything.  Not here.”

“Not a promise I can make.”  But he wasn’t going to do anything.  If it came down to it, he’d walk away.

Staring at his father, he was thrown back to last month, when John had been released and Sam forced him to go see him.  It hadn’t been just Sam, but Bobby and Ellen too.  He had gone to Bobby’s after much fussing.  He hadn’t told Cas he was going, mainly because he would have insisted on joining him and that had been the last thing he wanted.  Luckily Cas had gone to Lucifer’s for the day, so he had been oblivious.  All his husband knew was that John had gotten out sometime in October, just not _that_ day.

**_October_ **

_“I don’t want to be here, Sam,” Dean grumbled.  He was in Sam’s car, staring at the front door of Bobby’s home.  It was two in the afternoon, October 3 rd.  _

_The taller man sighed and turned to face Dean.  “It’s been six months you last saw him; nine years since any of those visits have been unsupervised.  The least you could do is swallow you damn pride and give him an afternoon.”_

_Dean pursed his lips, still staring at the forest green door.  “Why do I owe him this when he’s done nothing to deserve it?”_

_“Because you’re his son,” Sam replied simply.  “You don’t have to forgive him, but talking to him won’t kill you. Because you know as well as I do that he’s not his mistakes.”_

_Silence fell over the car.  Dean tapped his fingers against his thigh.  He really didn’t want to do this, not now at least, but he knew his baby brother was not letting him out of it._

_“I still don’t-“_

_“Dean, just fucking go in,” Sam snapped in an irritated tone.  He frowned at his brother, staring him down.  God, why did Dean have to be so difficult?_

_Dean really didn’t want to be here.  He’d rather spend an afternoon at Michael’s than see his dad, and that was saying something.  Instead of protesting further, Dean threw open the door with a little too much force and stalked up the front porch, Sam following closely._

_He hesitated at the unlocked door, forcing Sam to step forward and open it.  The younger man announced this entrance and Bobby appeared in the foyer a moment later.  He took one look at Dean before grunting in approval._

_“Good.  You’re both here.”  Bobby folded his arms across his chest and focused on Dean.  “He’s in the family room.  Wants to see you first.”_

_Dean remained rooted to the spot.  He glanced from Bobby to the hallway.  He **really** didn’t want to do this.  Bobby cocked an eyebrow when no one moved.  He knew this was probably tough for Dean.  He knew John had never been there for the boys, but it was time for the kid to grow up.  _

_“Well?”  This time Dean took a step forward, feeling Sam shadow him.  He walked the short distance to the door on the right, entering the large family room._

_As he walked in his father stood up from the couch.  John looked the same as he had nine years ago.  His hair was sprinkled with more grey and he looked a little older—tired almost, but still, he looked like John Winchester.  He wore old raged jeans and a black and red flannel button down.  It was odd seeing his dad in civilian clothes, so different  from the orange jumpsuit Dean had grown accustomed to._

_There was no hug, no heartfelt apologies.  Father and son stared at each other, millions of questions and words going unsaid._

_Dean was remembering every visit, starting from the night they got the call from Bobby to the very last one that widened the already large rift between them._

_“Dean,” John finally rasped._

_Dean swallowed hard, but didn’t speak.  He stepped closer, but instead of greeting his father, he took a seat on the second couch across from the one John had occupied._

_They were left alone.  Though Sam didn’t like the idea, Bobby insisted that they needed the time their own and dragged Sam out to the garage.  The soft ticking of the clock filled the silent room; both men sitting tensely across from each other._

_Dean didn’t miss his dad’s quick glance to Dean’s hands.  It was something his father did periodically every time he visited him.  He wasn’t sure if John knew he and Cas were married.  It wasn’t a piece of information he had divulged his father during their visits.  He knew his dad knew he was still with Cas, but that was all he shared.  Anything more would have come from Sam._

_“So… How have you been?”  It was like one of their visits all over again.  It was how John always started it off—never Dean._

_“Shouldn’t I be asking you that, dad?”  Dean raised an eyebrow.  “You’re the one that just got out of jail.”  The ‘again’ was implied.  “You-you—”  He cleared his throat.  “You look good.”_

_John shrugged.  “Bobby’s taking care of me.  Keeping a close eye on everything I do.”_

_“Can you really blame him?”_

_John signed and looked down at his hand on his knee.  “No.  He’s right.  How have you been though?  How’s Castiel?”_

_“D-don’t do that.”  Dean took a deep breath, trying to regain his thoughts.  He promised Sam he wasn’t going to fight with their father.  He wasn’t, but this small talk was uncomfortable.  They were both dancing around the real issue between them, but neither wanted to be the one to bring it up.  “Don’t act like you really care.  I know you-”_

_“I am your father, Dean.  Of course I care about you.”_

_Dean scoffed and shook his head in disbelief.  “You’ve done a bang up job of proving that,” he muttered under his breath.  “I mean, you never seemed interested in my job before.”_

_The senior Winchester gave a weak smile.  “I was bitter.  You job was working for people I didn’t care for.  It wasn’t your fault.  I shouldn’t have blamed you like I did.”_

_It was the closest to an apology as Dean was going to get, and he was okay with that.  He’d gotten past the need for his dad’s approval, but it was nice knowing that John didn’t hold his job against him, at least not as heatedly._

_“I know Sam said you changed, and Bobby said the same, but dad, you know none of this is going to be easy.  It’s going to be awhile before I want to—there’s something I need to tell you, actually.”  Dean rubbed his hands together, feeling the bareness of his left._

_John’s face perked up with interest.  Bobby warned him that this was going to be tough on Dean and that he owed it to his son to ‘shut up and listen’._

_Dean wasn’t so sure if this was a good idea.  It was their first meeting not taking place in a jail, but he needed to tell John about his marriage.  Now that he was out, he was going to figure it out sooner or later.  Better hear it from him and not accidentally from Ellen or Bobby._

_“Look, about Cas, there’s something I kind of left out.”  He glanced over to the empty doorway, silently wishing Bobby or Sam would reappear._

_His dad narrowed his eyes to that glare he was all too familiar with.  Shit.  Here it comes._

_“What about your-your-”  He couldn’t get the word boyfriend out, which would have pissed Dean off had he not been try to hold his nerve.  “What about Cas?”  Dean could almost roll his eyes with that one.  “You two broke up?  S’that why you haven’t been—”_

_“No, Dad.  Cas and I very much together.  That’s the thing; we’re actually married.”_

_He waited.  He waited for the yelling.  The anger.The disappointment.  It never came.  He glanced up and saw a blank expression on John’s face, a rare look.  Usually when something was said that he didn’t agree with, he’d turn red and pissed.  This... There was nothing._

_“Well, I guess that’s not too much of a surprise.  After you came to me tell me that you could marry… him—”_

_Dean’s jaw tightened at the mention of that, but it was in the past, and he gave Sam his word that he would give their dad a chance._

_“When did it happen?  You’ve only been—”_

_“No, I mean, I’ve been married to Cas since I entered the Academy.”_

_Disbelief washed over John’s face.  His mouth open at little and Dean almost wanted to laugh.  Instead of unbidden anger, he managed to make his father speechless._

_“So when you…”_

_“It was never ‘just dating’.”_

_“You’ve been married for nearly ten years.”_

_“Eight, actually.”_

_Hurt crossed John face, and Dean thought it was misplaced.  Since when did his father get the right to feel excluded in his life?  How about never drinking the night he hit that other car?  If anyone was at fault here, it was John Winchester._

_“Look, I wanted to tell you, but then-”  How was he supposed to finish that sentence?  ‘Then you went on a homophobic rant’ or ‘then you really laid into how **proud** you were of me.’  Luckily he didn’t have to continue because John cut in, and he was not prepared for it._

“Does he make you happy?”

The words echoed in Dean’s mind.  His father’s voice was hauntingly loud despite the quiet tone he father used.  His eyes had only held hope, and it was a question he couldn’t answer truthfully.

He didn’t realize John had stopped in front of them until Sam nudged his side.  His brother offered a weak smile, while Dean’s face remained impassive.

John cleared his throat, but didn’t offer up a greeting until Dean forced a strain smile and a even more forced ‘hey.  Sam stood, watching, cringing almost at the awkwardness.

“I talked to Castiel.  He’s still—he was polite enough.”  John cocked his head to Cas, who was still talking to Jo, but was turned towards them.  “I gotta say, he’s not like his brothers.”

 “Cas’ brothers are a rare breed.”  Dean’s tone was tense.  They’d had a good talk, but that didn’t mean all was forgiven.

“Mm.”  Both the other Winchesters missed Sam’s quick glance to Gabe, who had joined Cas and Jo.

“I never thought I’d see you be the one to settle down.  Sam, yes.  You, no.”

Dean rolled his tongue around his mouth and scoffed.  It was said as a joke, but circumstances considered, it was in poor taste.  “Yeah, well—”

“When you find the right one people can—ow!” Sam growled and glared at Dean, who was sipping his beer like he didn’t just elbow him in the ribs.

John remained silent for once.  Sam cleared his throat, but neither of them spoke for a bit.

“You’re different.”

“It’s been eight years.  I’ve grown up.”  ‘On my own’was what he wanted to add, but he wasn’t that much of a dick.

“You and Sam both.  Congratulations, Sam.  Bobby always told me how well you were doing in school.  Knew you would always make it.”

Dean felt a little disappointed that their father was praising Sam when all he got was an apology.  It had always been that way.  He grew up on his own, and because of that, their father saw it as though Dean didn’t need his hand held.

He was pushed to the side like he always had been.  He’d accomplished so much himself, but yet somehow missed the sense of pride.  He’s had people throw him praises, but there was something about never getting your father’s approval, especially when your brother got it.  Dean wanted it, even though most of the time he couldn’t give a fuck what John thought.  It was an unhealthy blend of need and want.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay. I thought reposting all the chapters again was going to be easy, but holidays and work got in the way. And now school has started up. I promise I won't go too long between updates again. 
> 
> I did work on this story over the winter break, so I have several chapters banked that are just waiting to be edited. I'm getting very excited since we are finally getting into the story. There are a couple of fun chapters coming up that are fluffier than what has been happening lately with Dean and Cas, so I hope you will enjoy those.
> 
> We finally get to have a closer look at how Dean and John's relationship came to be. And how it plays an important role in Dean's marriage. This chapter took me several attempts to write as I struggled to get Dean's personality right and a felt like I was teetering on a delicate line with John and Dean's interactions. I'm still not 100% pleased with this chapter, but I figured that I made all of you wait enough. I hope you like it.

**_July 2011_ **

“Dean, come on,” Castiel sighed and followed Dean into the living room.  “It’s not that big of a deal.  They have a right to ask.  Charlie and Chuck haven’t been to our place once.”

“And you know why.”  Dean stared pointedly at their wedding photo, which hung in the centre of the wall gallery.  “It’s not like we can hide this shit.”

Cas sighed again.  This has been the ongoing discussion for the past hour, ever since Dean had come home groaning about how Chuck and Benny brought up the fact that they’d never once been to Dean’s and—unknowingly—Cas’.

Castiel followed his husband’s gaze and frowned.  “You know that’s not an issue, now.  Well, it’s actually never been an issue; we just chose to treat our marriage like it was.”

Last month, New York had passed the Marriage Equality Act, legally recognizing same-sex marriage. Their marriage was now recognized as legal in their state.  It had been a proud moment.  It had finally happened.  After nearly five years of marriage, they could actually say they were a “married couple”.

Dean’s frown deepened, but his eyes remained on the photos.  “Having our marriage legalized and coming out to our friends are two completely different things, Cas.”

This was the main struggle between the couple.  Forget which of them always forgot eggs on the grocery list or Cas always leaving his paperwork everywhere, when they were coming out was the thorn in their sides.  They frequently talked about when they would come clean to everyone at work, and more importantly, John.   

Cas was sure in father-in-law knew they were still together, but knowing John’s views, the Winchester patriarch didn’t know the extent of their relationship.

“It’s been five years, Dean.  I’m tired of hiding our marriage.  I’m tired of not being able to treat you more like than a friend around people we know.  This is the perfect timing, baby.”  He took a step closer, linking his arms around Dean’s waist.  “I know what you’re thinking, and stop that.”

Dean looked down at the floor.  “You don’t know that.”  And Cas didn’t.  Cas was out.  He’d never made a point in hiding his attraction to men.  Dean, on the other hand, he never hid it, but he never made it a topic of conversation either.  Well, maybe he put more effort in pointing out an attractive woman than a man. 

“I know you’re worried, Dean-” Castiel stepped forward, grabbing his husband’s arms “-but not everyone will react the way your father did.  Dean, we’ve never made a choice on when to come out.  Why not now?  The world’s moving forward; why not us?  We can’t keep this hidden forever.”

To Dean, it wasn’t that simple.  He didn’t grow up with an accepting background.  The difference between Cas and him was a cruel slap to the face. 

“I haven’t told my dad about us.  How do you think I can tell the people I see nearly every day?  If my dad throws a fit, big deal, I’ll just stop seeing him.”

Cas smiled sadly and dropped his gaze.  No, he wouldn’t.  Dean was too loyal of a son to adhere that kind of promise.

“If people at work are disgusted, there’s no avoiding it.”

Castiel sighed and stepped back from Dean.  He studied him carefully.  He loved Dean, he really did, but sometime his stubbornness was exasperating. 

“You’re thinking about this too much.  Look, we’ve had this talk how many times?  It never gets us anywhere.  This is our chance.  We can’t keep this hidden forever, and sooner or later the truth will come out.  Why not on our terms?”

Dean hummed and stared down at his feet.  Working in crime, he had learned that sooner or later one’s dirty laundry would inevitably be hung out to dry.

“ _Why_ are you in such a hurry?  It’s not like we have an expiration date.”

Cas rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. 

 _Why?_ The little annoying devil that hung over both men’s shoulders every day.  A million questions could be asked with that word, and a million answers could be given.  Unfortunately, the couple was neither asking the right questions nor getting the right answers.

Cas was almost certain though, if they didn’t come clean now, they never would.  The more he pushed to get out of the box, the harder Dean pushed him back in.  It was a constant battle—day in, day out, leaving both men exhausted, and both wondering what the hell was going on in their partner’s head.

To Dean, Cas was breaking his promise.  He had once told him, that when they were both ready they would share their secret.  There was no rush; they ‘had all the time in the time in the world.’

Cas, he wondered just where Dean’s insecurities truly lied.  Losing his mother at a young age, and losing his father emotionally, was enough to screw up even the strongest man.  However, fighting a war with himself didn’t solve anything and would only end up destroying Dean in the end.

“Because, Dean, if we don’t do this now will we ever?”  He hated how pleading and whiny he sounded, but he was fed up.  The emotional burden of keeping his feelings locked up was finally weighting down on him.  “I’m tired of living a lie.  Other couples get to walk around holding hands, why can’t we?  Why do we need to be locked away at home or at Bobby’s for you to act like my husband?”

That was exaggerating a bit, but it got his point across.  Any moment they were at work or with coworkers, they acted like friends or worse, brothers.  When they were in private or an environment where Dean felt comfortable, that was when Dean was the most affectionate.

Dean clenched his jaw and stared down at the ground, refusing to meet Cas’ pleading, sad eyes.  “Why can’t we just wait?”

“Because I’m sick of waiting, Dean.  I’m tired.  You have no idea how many times I’ve had to stop myself from saying something when Charlie or Anna has tried to set me up.  Or how many times I’ve almost left my ring on.”  Unlike Dean, Cas took to wearing his band on his days off.  It did make it harder to remember the routine of slipping it on its chain.   Luckily, he’d never gone long enough for anyone to notice the gold metal, but there had been some _very_ close calls.

“Just tell them to knock it off and that you’re not interested,” Dean bit out, receiving a raised brow from Cas.

That was easier said than done, especially when you’ve been saying ‘no’ for the past two years with no past or present relationships to show for it.  Dean’s reaction was almost comical.  The idea of him with someone else was something of a touchy subject, and Charlie’s insistence of him going out and finding someone didn’t help.  But all this could be helped if they actually told the truth.

“Look,” Cas sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, “I’m tired of lying and keeping quiet.  Why can’t you just do this for me?  You aren’t giving me a real reason why we can’t come out?  Your dad already knows about us.  How is telling him we’re married any different?”

“It’s not that simple.  I just can’t.”

There was a low growl from Cas and this time when he met his husband’s blue gaze, it was bright and burning with frustration.

“You keep saying that, but I’m still waiting for a reason as to why it’s not that simple.  We’re in love, Dean!  Who else gives a fuck if we’re together?  What matters is that _we_ are happy.  There’s you and me in this marriage.  No one else.  No one else should have this much control over _you_.”

Cas’ voice pitched higher at the end.  He was really trying to understand Dean’s apprehensiveness, but it was times like these where it became too frustrating and his anger boiled over.  John was the little voice in the back of Dean’s mind, taunting and heckling him.  Until he had his father’s acceptance, Dean would never truly be okay with who he is.  Sam could accept and love him all he wanted, but it was John Winchester who held the true power. 

Dean didn’t reply—didn’t try to return the argument.  Cas was only partly right about everything.  Yes, even after all these years he desperately wanted to make his father proud.  He was never the honour student or part of any school clubs.  He never received awards for top grades or was the lead in the school play.  He lingered in the background, doing everything in his power to make sure Sam had all he needed to succeed.  Sam was number one, while he was always the spare.  He played both mom and dad, and in the end; he lost sight that he mattered too.  His accomplishments were so insignificant compared to Sam’s, that he wondered if his dad even noticed that he and Cas finally made it out of their shoebox apartment.  Was his mom proud of him?  Did she care that he found love with a man?

“I think you really need to question whose life you are living: your own or the one you know your father will approve of.”

Dean’s eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched, teeth grinding.  “My life has never been just mine.  My childhood was making sure Sam didn’t starve when dad went out on one of his benders.  High school, sure I had Bobby’s help, but come on Cas, Sam’s always been my responsibility.”

“Your father gave you an order and you followed.  Dean, I know this already.”  Castiel let out a high groan and let his eyes flutter shut, almost in exhaustion.  “You were a child and you wanted to keep your dad around in some way, but you’re twenty-six!  Sam is grown.  John isn’t around.  You don’t owe him anything!” 

Why couldn’t Dean see this? 

Dean rolled and sighed.  Cas bounced like a frustrated child demanding why his parents were telling him ‘no’.  His naive mind wasn’t allowing him to see the bigger picture. 

“Coming from the guy who never had to work for shit.  Daddy ran away and sure, you’re mom died, but you were still set for life.  Large inheritance, still with family, living in the family home.  You never had to make that sacrifice.”

The younger man reeled back, gasping as if he’d just been struck.  He blinked rapidly at Dean, biting his lip to hide the quiver.  Dean had never once brought up his past. 

Though growing up, he hadn’t had it as bad as Dean’s; his life was far from the fairytale.  Michael had continuously pushed him for top grades so he wouldn’t live off the family money.  Anything in fast food was unacceptable.  School was first, and if his grades had slipped lower than an A-, he met with a tutor for a month.  He still had yet to touch his share of the inheritance.

Dean swallowed hard, most likely looking like deer in headlights.  He didn’t mean to undervalue Cas’ mom.   The woman had been a brave and strong lady, raising four sons on her own while fighting for her own life.  To disgrace her life so carelessly was an insult to her legacy.

“C-Cas, I’m-”

“You know,” Cas snapped, squaring his stance, “I’ve always appreciated what you did for Sam.  You’ve made many _sacrifices_ and I’ve admire you for that.  What I don’t admire is this is coming from the man who is still haunted by his father’s ghost.  John may not be around, but he’s still very much here.  Tell me this: instead of living your life, trying to appease someone who will never be there, why not try to make those around you proud?”

He didn’t wait around for a response.  Cas grabbed his keys and walked out of the apartment.  He needed space and time to clear his head.  His mind was swimming with so many thoughts and voices, all screaming and yelling different things.  He felt like he was in the middle of Times Square, too crowded and too loud.  He needed silence.

“Shit,” Dean cursed as Cas’ words echoed in his mind.  This one was on him.

*****

It was dark by the time Castiel returned home.  He had gone for a walk around Central Park, something he liked to do during his alone time.  Dean never cared for “strolling”, and after one time, his dreams of walks with Dean were squashed. 

The park didn’t kill nearly as much time as he would have liked, so he found himself perched on a swivel chair two hours later, watching Lucifer set up his inks. 

His brother’s shop wasn’t the ideal place to clear one’s head, especially with the heavy rock music playing loudly throughout the building, the buzzing of the various guns as they pierced the skin of clients.  Then there was also Lucifer’s complete lack of empathy.

*****

Castiel pushed open the door and toed off his shoes in the foyer.  Dean was sprawled out on the couch, left arm tucked behind his head and his right rested over his stomach.   His eyes were glued to the TV, never shifting from the bright screen as Cas walked in.

“Hi,” Cas whispered, smiling softly at Dean.  He cautiously approached the living room, standing by the other end of the couch.

Dean’s green eyes darted to him for a second before flicking back to his show.  “Hey.”  He stretched out, groaning as his joints popped.

“Are we going to talk?”  Cas’ voice held a tone of hopefulness, unable to help his rapid heartbeat.

“That depends; gonna storm out again if you don’t like what I have to say?”

Cas’ shoulders slumped and whatever statement he’d been about to make died on his tongue.  His gaze dropped to the well-worn wood beneath his feet.

“Look, I’m sorry,” the older man groaned, rubbing a hand over his face.  “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot, lately.”  Cas wrapped his arms around his waist and exhaled heavily.  He moved closer to the chocolate brown cushioned armrest and perched himself on the edge.  “I’m not trying to force you to do anything you really don’t want to, but you have to understand where I’m coming from.  When you say shit like this, I wonder if you will ever be ready.”

Dean stared blankly at the glowing screen, letting the pictures flash by silently.   His husband’s words played on repeat, mixing with his own thoughts.

“I’ll do it,” Dean whispered, swallowing hard as his throat closed around his words.  “If it means so much to you, I’ll go talk to my dad.”   Those words were his own jail sentence.  They sat heavy in his gut, but if it meant making Cas happy, he figured he owed it to his husband.

“Dean, you don’t have to.”  While the thought of finally getting to come clean was so close he could touch it, he wasn’t trying to guilt Dean.  Yes, he didn’t want Dean to feel pressured, but he didn’t want to wait until the next decade.  A gentle push was what he was going for, yet he feared he may have gone too far.  “What I said earlier, I was out of line.  We both were.”

Dean smiled softly and finally turned, meeting Cas’ eyes.  “I know.  But you’re right: I need to move forward.  And what’s the worst he can do?  He’s behind bars.”  The short chuckle didn’t quite fill the room. 

Cas stared at his husband for a long moment, taking in the deep creases forming on his forehead.  His jaw was locked tightly, grinding his teeth together.   His eyes flickered over to Cas’, but the tight smile didn’t do anything to ease the twisting knots forming in Castiel’s stomach. 

*****

Dean sat in the Impala for a long time.  He’d been putting the visit off for nearly twenty minutes now.  Every time he thought he could do it, ten new scenarios flooded his mind. 

Today he was actually going to do it.  He was actually going to tell his dad the truth.  Sam was always on his case about being more open with his father.  Easy for Sam to say, nothing his brother did was wrong in their father’s eyes. 

He moved his ring along the chain around his neck, suddenly feeling the weight of it.  Maybe he was over thinking all of this.  But he knew his dad.  After years of being constantly let down, it didn’t take a genius to figure out he was headed for a dead end.

Sighing, he finally pushed open the car door and stepped out into the warm July sun.  The morning sky was bright and, perfectly clear, contradicting the storm looming over Dean. 

“Let’s get this over with,” he muttered to himself, silently wishing he had taken a shot—or five—before leaving the house.  His stomach twisted in knots, tightening like noose.

He shuffled into the building, greeting some of the familiar officers as the passed by.  He was led to the usual visitation room, and took a seat, waiting for John to be brought in.

It was less than five minutes before John strolled through the large door, a guard right behind him.  Dean swallowed hard, suddenly becoming very aware of his dry throat.  His leg was shaking hard enough to rattle his chair.  He could feel his palms beginning to sweat.  Suddenly, facing the barrel of a gun didn’t seem so intimidating.

“Dad,” he finally found his voice.  He waited for John to say something, but all he got was a low grunt as his father lowered himself onto a chair.  “You’re looking… Healthy.”  It was how he started most conversations, but small talk was the way to go.  Build the conversation up and then drop the bomb.  It would also decrease the risk of his father having a heart attack from shock.  He didn’t need that on his conscious.

“Well, they’re feeding me; can’t complain.  Where’s Sam?”  John glanced around the room.  “Figured you’d both be here.”

Dean bit his lip, suddenly wishing he had Sam with him.  Having his brother’s support was something he needed right now.  He also knew Sam would not hesitate to say something if their father was to cross a line.

“Actually, it’s just me today.  I-uh-came here to tell you something.”  He cleared his throat, cussing himself as his voice cracked at the end.  Damn, he could use some water.  Not alcohol.  He’d have that once he made it through this family love fest.

“Yeah?” The senior Winchester arched a dark brow, narrowing his eyes just slightly.  His gaze was cold and chilling, sending another shiver down Dean’s spine.  “Couldn’t possibly be ‘bout that new law?  The one that applies t-to your kind.”

John made an offhanded jester to his son, clenching his fist tightly as it dropped to the smooth surface of the table.  He wasn’t the biggest fan of his son’s… Partner.  Lover just seemed too subjective.  He could handle his son living with a man, but to acknowledge the true nature of what the man was to Dean, that was never going to happen.  His wife had always said that no one got to pick whom they love, that when the time was right, love would just happen.

Love was just a load of horseshit.  It didn’t do anything but destroy men to their very core.  You may have the perfect family one day until God decided to act, choosing the man who had everything and leaving him with nothing but a broken heart and an empty soul.  His son was delusional to think that this Castiel Novak was his Mary.

John almost scoffed at the wide-eyed Bambi look Dean was giving him.  Honestly, the boy was a man now, and here he was looking like he was ten, hoping for his father’s permi—oh shit!  No!  This was _not_ happening!  No way in Hell was he going to-

“So you heard.”  Dean had managed to side his face into a guarded look, eye not nearly as searching as before, and drew his mouth into a thin line.

“‘Course I heard,” John groused, staring harshly at his clenched hands.  “Don’t take a genius to know why you’re here.  Can practically smell it off of you.”

Dean visibly recoiled.  Dad knew?  Wait, did he know why he was here or just assuming?  Maybe Bobby gave away too much last visit.  Yet, John wouldn’t have waited so long before tearing into him for lying.  Funny that the one thing he hated from his family was betrayal.  Like he was a living example of perfection.

 “I don’t think you really know why-”

“You know-” John continued, acting as if his first-born hadn't spoken at all “-your mother always planned for you go to some big fancy school like Sam.  Wanted nothing but the best for you.”

Dean would have been lying if he said he didn’t think about his mom often.  It was hard not to wonder if what he was doing was making her proud.  His dad has been vocal, but the soft, warm melody of his mom’s voice was silent.

John pressed forward, determined to make his thoughts heard.  “Can you imagine her disappointment, watching over you as you went to a city university?  Settling for a generic degree.”

Dean pursed his lips and nodded nonchalantly.  At this point, his father’s voice was just noise, like a bug’s irritating buzzing as it hovered around. 

“Is my education really that important now?  It’s been five years, and would you have rather me end up here?  I actually like helping people.  Got a lot of practice with Sam.  Wasn’t about to let mom down.  If one of us could only succeed, at least it would be Sam.”

“At least Sam’s honouring your mom.”

 “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?  It’s not like I’m hustling pool for a living!  I got myself out of that life.  And I’m happy with where I am.  I may not have the best job in your eyes, but at least I love it.  Didn’t you say that all mom wanted was for me to be happy?  My job and Cas make me happy.”

“She didn’t want you to settle for the first thing that came along.  Castiel shows up and suddenly you were considering moving to Manhattan.  You settled for the first college that accepted you.  You let the one and only man you’re with control you.  He suggested the NYPD, and you jumped off the bridge without another thought.  Your mom would be so disappointed to see that you let your boyfriend control you.  Throwing your life away at twenty-six because you think that-”

A low rumble built in the back of Dean’s throat.  In the past year, he’d developed a thick skin, letting words roll off him, but occasionally, when the right thing was said, it would pierce his carefully constructed armour. 

“Is this really about mom or about the fact you dislike that you’re no longer in control.  You can say all you want, but in the end, I’m going home to Castiel while you go back to your cell.  I love Cas.  And it may be a surprise that I-”

“Good God, you said you loved that Lisa girl, and you weren’t rushing to city hall to make it official.”

Actually, he never said that four letter word to anyone but Cas.  His husband was, ironically, his first and only love.  It was truly comical that the one who had managed to wrangle Dean in was a man.  But if Cas was the one he loved, then why was he really scared to let people know?  Really, there were days where even his logic didn’t make sense to him.

“Castiel batted his eyes and you went running.  You mom would truly be disappointed to know that you fell in love like a silly girl with her head in the clouds.  If you’ve come to ask for my blessing, you don’t have it, and you don’t have mom’s.”

A small choked off sound escaped the younger Winchester’s lips.  Something heavy settled in his stomach, and for the first time in many years, he felt like that small four-year-old boy getting scolded for breaking his mom’s favourite vase.  The harsh tone; the cold, disappointed eyes were all too familiar. 

“Right.”  Dean nodded; his voice barely above a whisper.  “Okay then.”  He stood up, refusing to meet his father’s gaze.  Had he, he would have seen the flicker of anger morphing into guilt.  “Glad we cleared that up.”  He kicked his chair back, letting it screech against the floor.  “I’ll see you next month.”

He finally glanced at his father, keeping his expression impassive, eyes steely, weathering a storm behind the liquid green.  His mind was swimming; too many voices shouting at him, waiting to be heard.

 Both men remained silent.  Dean refused to speak; worried he would say something he would later regret, while John was trying in vain to find the words to convince Dean to stay. 

“D-Dean,” John finally managed to stutter, pulling Dean’s attention back to the small isolated space.  Dean inhaled sharply and without another sound, he squared his shoulders and exited the room.

“Dean!  Wait-!”  The slam of the door cut off the desperate plea, letting it die in the air.  Dean didn’t bother glancing back.

 

_*****_

Cas was sitting on the couch, reading a book Charlie had lent him when Dean walked through the door.  He looked up and closed the book as soon as he heard the door close.  Dean didn’t turn around right away and that worried Cas.

“Dean?”  He placed the book on the couch and stood up.  He watched his partner toe off his shoes and kick them to the side.  “Dean?” he tried again when he didn’t receive an answer.  “Are you okay?”

Finally, Dean looked up, but his face was solemn.  He glanced at Cas and scoffed, looking away.  “No,” he grunted and brushed past Castiel.

“How did it go?”  It was stupid question.  It obviously went horribly, but just how bad did it get?

“It went just how I thought it would.”  The reply was dripping with sarcasm, as was the false smile.  “Dad thinks I’ve done a bang up job with my life.”

Cas sighed heavily and rubbed his face with his hands.  This was what Dean had warned him about.  This was the reaction Dean had said they would get.  But, he also knew John was infamous for saying one thing in the heat of the moment and another the next day.

“I’m sorry.  But, that doesn’t mean-” He was cut off by low grunt.

Dean walked by him, avoiding Cas’ outreached hand.  “Just drop it, Cas.  I’m not doing this again.  Not now.  Not tonight.”

He understood that reliving tonight was farthest thing from Dean’s mind—or the closest.  Either way, Dean wasn’t going to be willing.  “Are we going to talk about this?  You look like-”

“Like shit?” the older man supplied.  “Thanks.  Needed to hear that.”

“That’s not what I said.  Look, let’s just sit down.  Do you want something to eat?”  Judging by Dean’s appearance, he doubted his husband had eaten since this morning. 

“I’m not hungry.  Just want to go to bed and sleep.  I really don’t want to discuss this right now.”  Dean mumbled the last part, shuffling down the hall, leaving a deflated Cas in his wake.  He knew he was being a dick, but he also needed to collect his thoughts.  Would his mom really be so disappointed in him for the life he was living?  He always remembered her smiling and her kind voice.  She always told him how much she loved him.  But she wasn’t here now. 

It had been years since he cried over his mom. Even now, he didn’t think he had it in him to really shed some tears, but he felt something stir inside him.  The urge for his mom filled him, before the crushing realization that she was so out of reach.  She wasn’t coming back.

*****

Cas had yet to move from his spot in the living room.  He stared at the spot Dean had once stood.  Something cold curled in his stomach.  Dean had looked at him with such hurt and betrayal.  It had been the first time that he truly felt like he let his husband down.

He was the one who had pushed Dean to tell John.  But, he had a right.  Five years was such a long time to keep something as wonderful as marriage a secret.

There had been times where he had considered just forgetting the deal and tell their friends the truth.  He would have, but that would also mean betraying Dean’s trust.  He hated secrecy, but he valued his husband’s trust most of all.  Marriage was about compromise, but there were also times where he felt like he was giving so much more than Dean was returning. 

Needless to say, they weren’t moving ahead anytime soon.  And Cas almost couldn’t shake the feeling that this was partly his fault.  The way Dean had spoken to him; he was so distant and cold.  He wouldn’t even look him in the eyes.   He had pushed him away.

 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay. I meant to have this chapter out a lot sooner, but life and school got in the way. I will promise that chapter 15 will be out a lot sooner. February is going to be a crazy month for me, but I will try my best to write. 
> 
> The next couple of chapters coming up are mainly drama and angst free, so hopefully that will give you all something to look forward to. I'm giving you all a break from the anguish before we really get into this. 
> 
> Thank you for being so patient. :)

**__** __

It was the Saturday before Thanksgiving, a little over two weeks since Sam’s party.  Things had mellowed out since, but Dean still didn’t talk to John unless it was necessary or unless Bobby put John on the phone.  Even then, their conversations were still tense and brief.

“Dean?”  The gravelly voice broke Dean’s concentration, who was currently under the Impala, tinkering with her.

“What?” he answered, but remained under the car.  He was too busy and didn’t want to stop, or so he told himself.

The was a loud sigh and a short pause before Cas responded.  “I’m not talking to your feet.  Get out from under there.”  Dean grumbled an insult, but it was too muffled for Cas to hear.  “Dean.”

“What?”  He finally rolled out from under the car and sat up, a wrench in hand. 

Castiel glanced at the tools scattered around the Impala.  The parking garage wasn’t the ideal place to do mechanic work, but it wasn’t like they had an actual garage or driveway to work in.

“So,” he took a deep breath and crouched down to Dean’s level.  He knew how this was going to go.  “Gabriel called… And Michael.  They want to know what time they should come over Thursday.”

Dean’s face pinched up in confusion.  Thursday was Thanksgiving.  Why would Cas’ brothers need to know what time—oh shit.  “No.”   His tone was firm.   “We aren’t having your family over.  Remember last time Gabe was here?”

Cas scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “Yes; you remind me every time Gabe wants to come over.”

“I liked that coffee table.  He didn’t even offer to replace it.”  His hand moved over the cool length of the wrench, rolling it over.

“He was drunk?  Anyway, I already told you, it’s my turn to host, so they are coming here.”

“You never said that.”  They hadn’t gone over Thanksgiving plans, mainly because—Cas would say they didn’t communicate—they were busy.  In the past few weeks he didn’t remember one time his husband mentioned inviting his brothers over for the holiday. 

Again, Cas exhaled loudly and looked up at the concrete ceiling with an irritated face.  “I did, Dean.”  He sounded both tired and pissed.  “I mentioned it during the last week of October... And again last week when I _bought_ the turkey.”

 _Oh_.  Since October, all he could think about was Benny’s offer; he wasn’t exactly thinking about anything else, so the thought that Cas did mention it and he just didn’t listen was highly likely.  He wasn’t going to admit that, it would just end up in a new argument.

“That’s what that turkey is for?”  Cas’ frown deepened and shook his head, letting out a short laugh.  That was probably the wrong thing to say judging by his husband’s face.

 “What did you think a thirteen pound turkey was for? The two of us weren’t going to eat it.”

“Getting an early start for Christmas.”  He shrugged.  Cas was always organized.  He sometimes planned things months in advance.

Cas held up his hands like he was going to try and reason with him, but quickly dropped them against his thigh.

“Never mind.  They’re coming at one, so be ready.”  He stood up.  “I’ll make sure to remind you again since you’ve proven that you don’t listen.”

Dean frowned and stood up as well; dropping the wrench he’d been toying with into the tool box.  “Fine.  Promise Michael won’t say shit about my job?”

A tight feeling twisted in Cas’ gut.  “You know I can’t promise that.  Michael is a-”

“Ignorant bastard?” Dean offered with a blank face.   

Cas’ weak smile didn’t help soothe the possible options of this year’s family intervention.

“I’m sorry.”  They were silent for a long while before Cas spoke again.  “We’ll have pie.  I’ll let you pick them out.”

Not even the temping offer of pie eased the overwhelming dread of having to spend a day with Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer in the same room. “Just promise me that if anyone breaks anything, they’re gonna replace it.”

“Next year we can stay home.  It’ll be at Michael’s.”

“If it’s at Michael’s, I’m working.”  A heavy weight lifted from Dean’s shoulder as a low snort echoed around them. 

“I’ll make that deal with you.”

 

*****

“You’re being unbearable today,” Castiel snapped, to which Dean raised a quizzical eyebrow.  Honestly?  What was he doing?  All he just did was declined Cas’ offer for lunch.

“Whatever you say.”  Dean mumbled, turning the corner of the street, heading back to street they parked the cruiser down.

“You’re still sulking over Thanksgiving and now, at work, you’re acting like a child.  You’re almost thirty years old.  Grow up!”  Cas was tired of this game of tug-of-war.  It was always Dean’s personal favourite defence when his family was involved.  Dean acted like he was okay, but Cas knew his husband well enough to know he was putting up a front.

“No.  I’m fine.  You obviously still want your family over.  I don’t want to deal with them, but I’ll suck it up.”  His relationship with the older Novaks wasn’t an easy road during the early stage of Cas and his relationship.  Michael wasn’t overly pleased over his family’s background, but Dean had hoped his proven love for Cas would change that.  It didn’t.  “I’m not about to—oh fuck—” he cut off, stopping a couple of metres from their squad. 

“Shit.”  Cas stood next to Dean, both stand still and in shock.  This was going to be fun to explain to Crowley.

“So tell me, how the bloody hell did you manage to destroy your cruiser?”  The staff sergeant’s was low and threatening.   To Cas and Dean’s credit, they didn’t flinch at the harsh tone; they were used to it.  There were probably a few officers outside the office, trying to look in, mainly Charlie and Chuck.

“It’s not like we crashed it.  It still drives just fine” Dean mumbled, receiving an elbow to the side.  Castiel glared at him warningly, but the damage was done.

“It is not a fucking excuse!” Crowley growled, looking more furious than before.  If Dean was being honest, the man was overacting for what they “did”.  It wasn’t like letting their cruiser get vandalized by a bunch of teenage assholes was the worst that’s happened to 23. It was just a few words spray painted onto the doors, hardly the worst.

“Sir, with all due respect,” Dean sighed, adding the ‘sir’ for Cas benefit and not his. “I really don’t see how vandalism is our fault.  It’s not like we had control over the kids that did it.”

Castiel nearly face palmed.  With Crowley, you took the verbal abuse and moved on, you never argued, and Dean was playing with fire by doing just that.

“I don’t know if this a reflection on your work as partners, but that sure as hell played a part in the past months.  For God’s sake,” Crowley’s voice rose an octave, “you are supposed to be partners!  So act like it.”  His fist clenched and slammed against the desk. 

Dean and Cas’ faces remained impassive, though Dean may be cursing the man under his breath.  Cas knew what was coming; it was expected and overdue.

“I don’t know what goes on between you,” he continues, not giving the two officers a chance to explain themselves—like it would help.  “You two can never seem to work together without ripping each other’s throats out.  You need to get your fucking act together and cut it out.”  He then waved his hand dismissively and spun his chair around, facing the shelves on the wall.

Dean and Castiel took that as their dismissal and left the office without another word.  They ignored Charlie and Chuck’s questioning looks, as well as Dorothy, who had joined them at some point.  They both didn’t speak until they were a safe distance from their friends.  
  
It was Castiel who broke the silence, and to be honest, he was feeling a little smug that it was Dean that got the worse of it.  “Yeah Dean,” he said, a glare still on his face, “we’re partners, in more ways than one, remember?”  He saw Dean’s jaw clench when he caught the meaning.  
  
His eyes were dark and narrowed when they landed on Castiel’s.  “Don’t be so condescending,” he grumbled.     
  
“I wouldn’t have to be if you put in half the effort I am into this fucking _partnership._ And not just at work.”  He didn’t dare say ‘relationship’, knowing that would not go over well with Dean.

Dean looked around.  There was no one around them, but that could change in an instant.  “Knock it off, Cas.  Jesus, don’t want the whole fucking precinct to hear us.”

Anger flashed in Cas’ eyes and he took a threatening step forward.  “Or what?  Can’t handle everyone finding out you’re married to me?  It’s only been nine years.  Still too soon?”

Castiel could tell that was the wrong thing to say when he saw Dean’s face.  Letting emotions build and fester never solved anything.  In the past years, this had become a common practice between the couple.  They could be having a good day and the wrong thing could crack the other.

Cas too took a step forward, only leaving a couple of inches between them.  They were dangerously close to each other. 

“Fuck you, Cas.”   He placed his hands against Cas’ chest and shoved him back.  
  
Cas barely stepped back and sneered with a wicked smirk.  “Don’t you remember?” he taunted.  “You already did—last night.”

This time, instead of storming off like Cas expected Dean to do, he grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him the short distance to the locker room.  After taking a brief look around to make sure no one was around, Dean shoved Cas roughly against his locker.

“You think you just so fucking cute with your witty comebacks, _Novak_?” Dean whispered darkly into his husband’s ear; his words sent a shiver through Cas.  “I remember when you couldn’t retort to save your life.”

Castiel glared and pushed against Dean, trying shove him away, but his arms were pinned to the meatal of the door behind him.  “Damn it, Dean.  Not here.  Not now.”  His protests were futile as Dean quickly lowered to his knees and pulled at his husband’s belt.  The buckle came undone with ease thanks to the missing duty belt.

Cas continued to push Dean’s hands away, but even now the attempt was only half-hearted.  He let out a small groan when the cool air his—embarrassingly—hardened member as Dean pushed his pants and boxers down his hips.

“Dean.  Stop,” he tried again, to bring some sense to his husband.  “We can’t.  Anyone can-ah,” he gasps when Dean swallowed him down in one go.  “God damn it,” he growled, whether it was in anger for the situation Dean just put him in or in pleasure, he’d never know.

Cas bit his lip to keep from crying out.  He was almost ashamed of how hot he felt—almost.  The feel of Dean’s mouth, warm and wet around him, was enough to make him forget his surroundings and give in completely to the pleasure.

Dean rolled his tongue over the head, licking up the shaft before swallowing him again.  He was trying to make Cas lose control, to give into him.  He groaned when Cas’ hips bucked, the head hit the back of his throat.  His own pants started to grow tight, but now wasn’t the time.  He’d take care of himself later.

Cas’ hand found Dean’s hair, gripping at it, needing something to hold.  “Oh, God.”  The pleasure felt so wrong and yet so right.  He should have been ashamed of himself for allowing this, and not just because they were at _work_ , but because Dean was being a complete ass about this whole thing.

“D-Dean,” he moaned out lowly.  “Shit.  I’m go-gonna come.”

Dean hummed, encouraging his husband.  He held Cas’ hips still as he slowly dragged his tongue down the swollen length before encasing his mouth over Cas.  He repeated the action again until his husband pulled at his hair almost painfully hard.

Cas groaned out, regrettably loud, calling out his husband’s name as he came, shooting his release down Dean’s throat.  He slumped against the lockers, pants and boxers at his knees and panting.  He was embarrassed and pissed off that he just let Dean do that and welcomed it.  “What the hell was that?”  As angry as he was, he voice sounded breathless, exactly like a man who just got blown.

"Payback,” Dean replied simply with a cocky smirk and stood up.  He stared down at Cas, who glared up at him.  “Not so loud now, are you?” With a low chuckle, he strutted out of the locker room.

*****

“I’m telling you, it’s going to be something off of Jerry Springer.” Dean tightened his grip around the cart’s handle pushing it away from the shelves of cereal.

Sam rolled his eyes as he followed him down the deli aisle.  He was beginning to wonder why he let his brother convince him to go grocery shopping at eleven o’clock in the evening.  It also didn’t help that Jubilee Market Place was opened 24 hours, so once Dean had finished work, he asked Sam if he was interested tagging along.  He did need a few things, so grudgingly he agreed to go.

“Oh, come on, Dean.  I doubt the Novaks are _that_ bad.”  It was the Monday before Thanksgiving, so Dean was tasked with getting the last minute items needed for their dinner.  He also spent the last ten minutes bitching about how he really didn’t want to spend a whole day with his ‘in-laws’.

 

“You’ve never been in the same room as Michael and Lucifer for more than an hour.  You don’t know how vicious they can get,” Dean argued as he stopped in front of the deli counter.  Cas had said something about sliced meat, the only problem was, Dean couldn’t remember what kind.

 

“I don’t know.”  Sam shrugged and went up to the counter to order a few grams of shaved chicken.  “It could be worse.  Gabe’s not too bad.”

 

Dean eyed his brother suspiciously.  “What’s with you defending Gabriel?”  Lately, whenever he brought Cas’ older brother into the conversation, Sam seemed to only ever defend the older Novak.  “Ever since your damn party, you get all weird when I mention the dude.  Is it because he invited you on that trip?  Do you feel like you owe it to him?”  Sam has always liked Gabe, Dean knew that, but lately it seemed to be more.  While Dean would look at the actions as suspicious, Sam would just argue that he was making a big deal out of nothing.

 

Sam averted his eyes for a second before meeting his brother’s narrowed gaze.  “Because it’s pointless to complain over something that’s done.  Cas came to Bobby’s last year, you owe it to him to host his family.”

 

Dean scoffed and glared.  “Oh, yeah.  I forgot I can’t talk to you.  You’re the poster child for optimism.”  He grabbed the cart and pushed it down a random aisle, completely forgetting Cas’ deli meat.  He knew he was acting immature, but it was for a good reason.  Sam didn’t understand how much of an asshole Michael was; Lucifer wasn’t any better.  The middle Novak always made a point to poke at the cracks that were evident in their marriage, while Michael just made it his mission to remind Cas that he could have done a hell of a better in choosing a husband.  Dean wouldn’t argue with him there.  Cas had always been too good for him.

 

“It would mean a lot to Cas,” Sam’s voice called from behind.  Dean didn’t have to turn around to know his brother was right behind him.  He didn’t get far, so it made catching up easy.  “He’s always saying how he just wished you would do one thing for him without throwing a temper tantrum.”

 

One thing Sam wouldn’t directly admit was that Cas often called him, asking for advice on how to deal with Dean or just to vent.  Even though his brother and Cas have been married for nine years, there was still certain behaviours of Dean’s that had is brother-in-law practically bang his head against the wall trying to figure them out .

 

“Since when do you talk to Cas about our personal life?” Since when did Sam become Dr. Phil?  Were there things he knew about Cas and his marriage that he didn’t want him to?

 

Sam sighed heavily, looking tiredly at his brother.  “I don’t, Dean.  Cas just called asking if I wanted to join you for Thanksgiving.” 

 

That was another thing Dean had done almost instantly after he was told Cas’ family was coming for the holiday, but Sam forcefully declined, choosing Bobby’s instead.  Now that John was out of jail, he didn’t know which was better.  While things could have been worse between their father, Dean didn’t know if a tense family dinner was better than being thrown into a show of _Arrested Development_.

 

“He thought it would make the day ‘less painful’ for you,” Sam continued.  “He also said he wished you would stop being so difficult with this whole situation.  And I agree; it’s just one day.  What the hell did you do when Gabe stayed at your place for a week last Christmas?”

 

“What are you talking about?  I haven’t done anything.”

“Exactly.  Cas said when he’s asked for your opinion on things you just tell him to decide.  He wants you to have some say.” 

Dean may have not liked the idea of hosting Cas’ family, but he figured instead of arguing it would give Michael less to dig at.  Entertaining the Novaks meant they saw past the bullshit.  Though they never directly admitted it, he knew the way Lucifer would watch his hand in Cas’ or the way they laughed at each other’s jokes.  Michael just never bought their relationship from the start, so he didn’t count.

“You know—you owe this to him.”  Dean was staring at a row of pasta, like farfalle was the most interesting thing at the moment.  “You’re leaving in two months for God knows how long.  Cas is going to be left alone and I bet you haven’t even told him yet.”  The clench of Dean’s jaw, teeth grinding against the tension.  “That’s what I thought,” Sam muttered.

“I’m waiting for the right moment!”  Dean’s voice was high and defensive.

“No-” Sam met his brother’s glare “-you’re not.  You’re waiting until you have to leave and hope Cas figures it out.”  He knew his brother.  He knows that anything that will bring out an argument is something not worth discussing.  “You’re worried that he’s gonna stop you.”

“I’m not even supposed to tell you when I’m leaving.  It’ll just-”

“Yeah, it’ll just happen,” Sam finished with a hard eye roll.  “That doesn’t mean you are meant to keep this a fucking secret from him.  Hell, you told _me_.”

“I’ll tell him.  Jesus, calm down.”  Dean yanked the cart around a large display of tomato sauce and headed back to the bakery section.  He didn’t know where he was heading.  He really wasn’t thinking about the list Castiel wrote for him.   Sam easily kept up, mentally grumbling.

“You will or I will.  I’m not letting you leave and have Cas calling me, asking where you are.”

“I’ll tell him,” he repeated.

*****

November 27th was the day.  Dean was stacking up a bunch of papers from the living room and moving them into the bedroom, trying to tidy up the room.  It was only nine in the morning, so they still had two hours before Gabe and Lucifer were expected to arrive.  Although, Cas told his family noon, they had an unwelcome habit of arriving early.  Michael also had an annoying tendency to nit-pick at everything in their apartment.  Just because they didn’t live in a million dollar penthouse, the oldest Novak always found something to criticize, which was why Castiel was frantically running around the condo, trying to make everything spotless. 

“Dean?  Would you please go check on the turkey?” Cas called from front hall, where he was organizing the closet, rehanging and moving coats around.

“I’m busy.”  He grabbed the papers and pushed them to the end of the table.  He looked up to see Cas’ unimpressed expression.  “What?  You asked me to clean the living room.”  He held up the papers as if to indicate his task at hand.

Castiel walked over to Dean and took the papers from him.  “I’ll finish up here, you go check on the food.”  He didn’t wait for an answer before taking the papers from his husband’s hand.  Dean made a reach for them, but he moved to the side, refusing to give them back.

“Fine,” Dean grumbled and brushed past Castiel.

“Thank you.”  Cas gave a satisfying smile to which his husband just rolled his eyes.  Once Dean was in the kitchen, loudly banging around, Cas took the books and papers from the living room into their bedroom.  He placed his books on his nightstand before moving to Dean’s side of the bed to place the papers into the drawer.

The drawer was mess of single papers folded, crumpled and stacked into the small space.  Dean rarely organized the drawer, claiming it was an organized mess.  But he would occasionally suggest to Dean to create a better filing system since it looked like papers from two years ago were paired with papers from last month.  Not wanting to bother with the mess right now when he had a thousand more things to do, Cas was about to shove the papers in with the others when something caught his eye.  It wasn’t hard to miss; it was the only bit of colour in a pile of white.  Placing the papers on the bed, his fished an orange folder from the middle of the stack. 

There was nothing suspicious about the folder.  It wasn’t thick, but there were a few sheets of paper in it.  It was the note attached to the front that read _for Dean_ that interested Cas.  He was tempted to open it and see what was in it.  It would be easy, just the flip of the front, but… Something stopped him.  He couldn’t help but compare this situation to that of a housewife searching through her husband’s phone, expecting to find evidence that he’s been cheating. 

They never snooped though each other’s things.  Well, Cas never had.  He can’t really speak for Dean, though he hoped it was the same.  Dean may not be honest all the time, but he was certain that if it was anything significant that he would tell him right away.  He did when John was released.

Fighting himself, he placed the folder back into the middle of the pile.  Dean hardly went in the drawer, he wouldn’t notice anything had been moved.   His hand hovered from the envelope, tempted to take it again, but Dean’s voice called out, halting the man’s hand. He shoved the new papers back in the drawer and slammed the door shut

“Yeah?” his voice was shaky, like he had something to hide.  Well, he did, but he didn’t want Dean figuring that out.  He walked out of the bedroom before Dean could reach the door.  They almost collide in the hallway.

“Whoa, geez.  Careful.”  Dean puts his hands up to stop Cas from knocking into him.  He steps back and frowns at his husband.  “So, Michael called.  He said he’s about an hour away.”

Something like dread washed over him.  “What?  I told him don’t come any sooner than noon.”

Dean shrugged.  “He’s your brother.  You know your family always comes far too early.  Anyway-” he turned around and walked back towards the living room “-he said something about good traffic.  I don’t really remember, I stopped listening as soon as he said he was almost here.”

Damn it.  This was just another reason to allow Dean to resent his family.  He would almost put money on Gabe and Lucifer showing up within in the next hour, and he was certain that Michael wasn’t going to keep his opinion on anything to himself.  Today was going to end up like Lucifer’s birthday last year, and that was something they _all_ wanted to forget. 

Maybe he was being too paranoid.  He always thoughtof worst case scenarios when it came to his brothers because they were all unpredictable.

It was just half passed ten when the buzzer went.  Cas answered it, supressing a groan when he heard Gabe’s voice through the phone, and Lucifer’s in the background.  At least Michael wasn’t around yet.

“Remember, to please at least act polite.  If something is said, just hold it in until tonight,” Cas instructed as Dean and he waited for the knock on the door.

“I know.  You’ve been reminding me all week.  What’s the point though?”  Dean walks over to the couch and takes a seat on the right end.  “Your family doesn’t acknowledge it, but they can see through our act.  Actually, I don’t even think if they are seeing it.  They’ve been against us since the beginning.”

“Dean,” he says in a warning tone, but his face softens when he sees the nervous look on Dean’s face as he looks out the window.  He knew Dean didn’t get along with his family, well, Lucifer and Michael mainly.  Gabriel would go along with their act for the benefit of his little brother.  His two older brothers weren’t so kind.  “It’s okay.”  He reached out and took his husband’s hand.  “I promise I will keep Michael and Lucifer in check.”

Instead of making a snarky remark, Dean just nodded and smiled softly at Cas.  Maybe it was the spirit of the holiday or the fact that Cas was taking his side on this, but Dean felt a little better about this situation.

There was a knock on the door seconds later and Cas got up to answer it.

“Happy Thanksgiving, baby bro!” Gabriel obnoxiously loud voice rang though the room.

“The place smells great, which is good because I’m starving.”  Lucifer strolled in seconds later, forgoing formal greetings.  He took off his coat and dropped it in Castiel’s arms before walking into the kitchen.

“Luci!” Gabe scoffed as he kicked off his boots.  “Get your ass out here and say hello to our brother and favourite brother-in-law.”  Gabe puts his hands on his hips and waits impatiently for his older brother to return, but doesn’t.  “Ah, just ignore him.  He’s in a mood because he skipped breakfast and Michael is coming.”

Castiel just remained silent the entire time.  Lucifer and Gabe hardly listened to him anyway, so he wasn’t going to bother to settle them down.  This was just a downfall that came with being the baby of the family, despite being twenty-eight.

“Did anyone tell you, your voice could cut through glass?” Dean appeared in the foyer a moment later.

“I need to be loud,” Gabriel defended, smirking proudly.  “Growing up with this one-” he pointed to Lucifer who returned from the kitchen “-It was necessary to be heard.”

Dean smirk, ready to rebuke the comment.  “Well, you’re not at your place now, so keep-”

“So is it Winchester or Novak?” Lucifer teased, cutting Dean off.  He wrapped his arm around Cas’ shoulders and led him into the living room.  “You’re relationship status changes by the hour.  We were confused when we looked through the directory and Novak wasn’t there.”  The older Novak was clearly more pleased with his joke than anyone else.  Cas glanced at Dean from the side of his eye.

“Luci, play nicely,” Gabe chuckled and flopped down on the couch, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table.  “I see you made a small replacement.  Gonna be hard to break this one.”  He banged his feet against the wooden surface and laughed when Dean nearly growled.

“I’m going to check on the turkey.”  Dean excused himself from the room.  Even though he just checked on the food an hour ago.  If it meant Dean bit his tongue, he could do whatever the hell he wanted.

Gabriel and Lucifer exchanged looks and snickered.  “He’s just so much fun to rile up,” Gabriel snorted. 

Cas frowned and shook his head.  “Please, leave Dean alone.”  The two older Novaks shared amused looks again and turned to their little brother.  “Michael gives Dean enough grief—he doesn’t need it from you two.”

Lucifer whistled lowly.  “Look who’s being all domesticity.  It’s finally happened, he’s choosing Dean over blood.”  Lucifer places his hand over his heart.

Cas groaned and rolled his eyes.  “You’re so immature.”

“And you’re so indecisive,” Gabe argued, turning serious.  “Every time we come here you two are either hot or cold.  Even though you try to hide it, we see it.  You either love the guy or want to take your Smith & Wesson to him.”

Cas gritted his teeth.  He didn’t appreciate people, especially family sticking their noses in situations they didn’t understand.  “You two clearly haven’t been in committed relationships.”

“Ah, no,” Gabriel appealed.  “We can just see you’re drowning.  Seriously, would you rather have this conversation with us or Michael?”

“I’d rather not have this conversation at all,” Cas nearly spit out.  “This is Thanksgiving; not a fucking family intervention.”

“No.”  Lucifer smirked and held up a finger.  “It’s both.  That’s what the holidays are for after all.”

“I don’t care.  This is not up for discussion—not when Dean is only in the other room—not ever.”  Cas stood up to leave the room.

Dean was opening a beer when Cas walked into the room.  He was ready to defend why he was having a beer at ten- thirty in the morning, but his husband just breezed past him and opened the fridge.

“I don’t want to hear ‘I told you so’,” he warned and took the bottle opener from Dean’s hand.

Instead of speaking Dean just held out his bottle and Cas tapped his against the base.  It was their silent truce.

*****

Michael showed up at quarter to eleven.  Things started out fine.  Michael, for the most part, was polite and respectful to Dean, well, as respectful as the eldest Novak could be. 

“Turkey’s not too dry,” Michael commented as he cut another piece of meat.  “Though the white meat is slightly overcooked.  Might want to keep a better eye on the food next time.”

“Or you can cook it next time if you think you can do a better job,” Dean shot back.  His jaw set tightly when he realized what he just said.  He just broke his promise of keeping his mouth shut; however, Cas was remaining silent.

Gabriel snorted while Michael narrowed his eyes.  “I’m just giving some ad-”

“Dean’s right though,” Cas jumped in, surprising both men.  “We both worked hard on this dinner, so don’t complain.  This is a family dinner, not a fucking business deal.” 

There was a moment of silent before it was broken by a low whistle from Lucifer. 

Dinner became a little tenser after that.  Michael was quieter, but he still made subtle and suggestive remarks that had Dean biting his tongue.  The jabs were made mostly at their career.  Now that the small talk was out of the way, Michael was getting to his desired conversation.  Life choice was the main wedge in the Novaks’ relationship with each other or as Michael saw it.  He seemed to see it as anyone making less than six figures annually, was beneath him, which was everyone in the room save for Gabriel.  Unless he combined Cas and Dean’s income, which he wasn’t.

“So Lucifer,” Michael addressed, turning his full attention to his oldest younger brother.  “My company has a new opening in the-”  And there it was, the fuel to the fire...

“Geez, those two make us look like a fucking Hallmark special,” Dean whispered into Castiel’s ear.  His eyes didn’t look away from Lucifer, so was spitting out something about Michael needing to take the stick out of his ass and have a good time for once.  The arguing had been going on for close to seven minutes and neither Cas or Gabe were willing to step between their feuding siblings.

Cas chuckled, but the smirk was wiped of his face in a second when Lucifer slammed his hand against the table growling out a “good for you.”  He gripped Dean’s thigh, feeling him jump underneath his touch.  He almost didn’t notice what he was doing, too caught up in watching and listening to Michael and Lucifer.  It wasn’t until he felt a large hand close around his, that looked away from his brothers.

Dean gave him a small smile. He mouthed ‘don’t worry’ and Castiel knew that Dean was saying he would take care of the situation if it became too much.

“I’m going to say something,” Cas muttered, having enough of the petty dispute.  It wasn’t anything new, and it was tiring having to listen to it like a record on loop.

“You are not in control of my life, Michael!” Lucifer snapped, leaning over the table.  “Clearly, I can afford shit, or I wouldn’t be going on this fucking trip with you.”

“You know I would have just paid your way,” Michael countered, missing the point of his brother’s words. “Gabriel offered to pay for you, too.”

“No, wait.”  Gabriel held up a hand, watching their brothers intently.  They were too deep in their arguing that they didn’t notice the conversation going on around them.  “Let them get this out.  They need to or the Dominican is going to be unbearable.”

“It doesn’t matter, Gabe.  We have neighbours.  We don’t need another noise complaint.”

Gabriel raised his eyebrows in question and smirked at his baby brother, clearly getting the wrong idea.

“It was your fault,” Dean jumped in.  “Anytime any of you are here we get in trouble.”

“Okay, fine.  Don’t get you knickers in bunch Winchester.”  Gabriel took a deep breath before calling out, grabbing both his brothers’ attention.

Dinner was only slightly awkward after that.  Surprisingly for such a rocky start to the day, they all stayed quite late.  Most of the time though was spent going over last minute details for the trip and how the meet up at the airport would work.

Once everyone gone and they had finished cleaning up, Dean and Cas got ready for bed.  It was only going onto eleven, but they were both exhausted.

“Thank you, by the way.”  Cas smiled at Dean and walked around his side to be closer to Dean.  “For today.  I just—I’m sorry about Michael.  He’s a prick, and he shouldn’t have said anything like that.”

Dean stared into Cas’ eyes, giving a tight-lipped smile, and shrugged.  “What was I going to do?  They’re your family, Cas.”  Maybe Sam was right: he needed to try a little harder.  It didn’t mean he was going to change, but it was a start at least.

“I know, but I appreciate it.  You actually listened to me.”  Dean hadn’t realize that Cas had moved closer until he felt a pair of arms snake around his neck, holding him close.

The hug was the first form of genuine physical contact they’ve had in months that didn’t result in sex.  Surprisingly, to Cas, Dean wrapped his arms around his back and squeezed back, resting his chin on his shoulder.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! I am actually updating on time! I had a week off school, so I got this edited and corrected fairly quickly.
> 
> This is more of a filler chapter, but I still had fun writing it. Pretty much no drama in this one. I wanted to give you all a bit of a break. The next two chapters are fairly drama free as well. Well, for Dean and Cas that is. ;)
> 
> Enjoy a drama free chapter. :D

_Flight: UA23 Destination: Punta Cana Status: Delayed_

“You’ve got you be fucking kidding me,” Gabriel moaned as he watched the screen.

The words flashed over the screen not two minutes ago.  This was the problem with travelling in December: fucking snow.  Waking up to a freak snowstorm had not been in the plans for the Novaks and Winchesters.  Okay, so it wasn’t _that_ bad.  There was barely five inches of snow on the ground, but it was quickly picking up, resulting in several flights being delayed. 

“Well that’s just great.  Now what do we do?  We’ve been here for three hours already.  I am not waiting another two.”  Lucifer glared at the screen before storming back to his seat next to Gabe’s empty one.

“Who says it’ll be two hours.  It’ll probably be more judging by the snow.”  Gabriel turned around and walked back to his seat.

Lucifer grumbled and crossed his arms across his chest while slouching in his chair.  “Fucking perfect.”

While Lucifer had his mini temper tantrum, Dean was having an internal freak out.  He was already not looking forward to this trip.  It was bad enough that he had just spent three hours in the airport and was going to have to spend four hours on a plane he did not want to be on.  In reality, the only thing keeping him from making a run out the door was Cas’ hand on his knee and Sam sitting next to him.

“I knew this was a mistake,” Dean muttered, mostly to himself, but he was pretty sure Sam heard him.

“Dean are you-” Sam began to say, but then Lucifer spoke up, cutting him off.

“That’s it,” he declared and threw his hands up dramatically before standing up.  “I’m getting drunk.”  He picked up his carry-on and threw it over his shoulder.

“It’s eleven in the morning,” Michael interjected from his spot next to Gabriel.  It hasn’t even been fifteen minutes since their flight was cancelled. 

“It’s six o’clock somewhere,” Lucifer called over his shoulder before disappearing into a small crowd of people.

“I’m going to kill him if he gets drunk.”  Michael frowned, creating a deep scowl.   Had Dean been more aware, he would’ve made a joke about the benefits of botox.  The oldest Novak grabbed his carry-on. 

Cas, from the corner of his eye, looked at Dean, who looked like he couldn’t care less of what was going on between Michael and Lucifer. 

“It’s fine, Michael.  It’s not like he’s going to miss his flight.”  Cas never really understood the reason behind his brothers ongoing war.  It was always tiring and annoying, and… So much like Dean and him.  But, this was different, kind of.  His brothers were _always_ like this, they would probably be lost if they actually got along for one day.  Dean and he changed in the years and Cas wasn’t sure if he was okay with it.

“Like he _didn’t_ miss his flight to Aruba three years ago?” the eldest Novak shot back.

Gabriel smirked and shrugged.  “Eh, in his defence, we had a long wait and that girl was hot.”

 

“You would say that because you are exactly like him.”  Michael stood up and walked over to his brother.

The middle Novak rolled his eye and groaned.  “No. I’m just stating the truth.”

“Says the man who will have sex with anything that’s willing.”  Michael crossed his arms across his chest in a challenge.

Gabriel gasped in mock offence.  “I do not-”                                                                        

“You do, Gabe,” Cas sighed heaviy, turning away from Dean.  “You and Lucifer have always been the most…adventurous.”

“So, I’m open minded.”  He shrugged.  “Is that a crime?”  To man’s credit, he tone didn’t rise despite the fact that he was clearly getting irritated.

Cas suppressed an eye roll as he stared at Gabe.  “It’s not.  But Michael has a-”

 “Since when do you take Michael’s side?  And since when did this conversation become all about my sex life?” Gabe snapped, glaring at his baby brother.

“I’m not taking Michael’s side; calm down, _Gabriel_.” Castiel now had his body turned towards his two brothers.  “Do you really want to argue about this in the middle of the damn airport?”  They hadn’t even begun their trip and tempers were already running high, though, in the could blame it on being stuck in those uncofortable metal chair.  Waiting in an airport fucking sucked. 

During the time of the minor dispute, no one realized that Sam and Dean were having their own conversation a few seats away.

“Please tell me we’re never like that.”  Sam cocked his head to the three men arguing next to them.  It was meant as a joke to lighten the mood, but Dean just sat in his chair.  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Sam eyed his brother skeptically.  He could see the tension in Dean’s shoulders. 

“No,” Dean actually replied honestly.  “I really don’t want to be here.  These trips never interested me five years ago, not even ten years ago when we started going.  Cas only goes because he’s obligated.”

“You guys didn’t go the past two years.  And you didn’t go that year because dad-” Sam stopped when he heard the low groan come from his brother.

“I know.  Cas tries to avoid them as much as he can, but this year…”  He holds up his hands as if to say ‘well, here we are.’  “But, I’m glad I have you at least.”  He glanced at Sam through the corner of his eye, huffing with a smirk when he saw his brother’s slightly shocked faced.  “What?  It’s not like when-”

“You didn’t seem you impressed when I told you Gabe invited me,” Sam interjected, knowing what Dean was about to say.  “I wasn’t sure if you still felt that way.”

“I was more pissed at the fact that it was Gabriel who invited you.”  He kind of preferred to keep his family separated from his in-laws.  They were from different walks of life.  He already knew that Michael had a few choice things to say about his father.  He didn’t want to subject Sam to that.  Though, it may have been the fact that Sam was a lawyer that made Michael respect the youngest Winchester and approved of his coming.

“Come on.  Gabe isn’t that bad.  He’s actually kind of funny.”  Sam let out a small chuckle, remembering the car ride to the airport.  Instead of taking five cars, to make it easy on them, Gabe and Sam rode together, while Lucifer and Michael rode together.  Or, at least that’s was the excuse Gabriel used when he told Sam the car arrangements.  The young man wasn’t about to argue.  They had a good friendship going, so a half-hour car ride would be nothing. 

“What?  You two now friends?” Dean snorted in disbelief.  He’s caught the subtle hints that Sam suddenly buddy’s with the second youngest Novak.  It was the invite to the trip and the almost insisted attitude to use ‘Gabe’ instead of Gabriel.  That one may be a little weak, considering he never referred to Cas as ‘Castiel’ and it wasn’t a term of endearment—it was habit.

Sam shrugged.  “We’ve gone out together a few times.”  It didn’t register to him until he saw the large grin crack across Dean’s face and he started laughing.  ‘God, could that have sounded more like they were a couple?’  “I mean, we’ve only done—we went—okay, stop it,” Sam sputtered, glaring as Dean laughed a little louder.

“Finally found the right man?”  It was always funny seeing Sam this way.  The way he faltered over his words and couldn’t form a coherent sentence was nothing like the lawyer Sam he has seen during the past three years while his brother practiced with mock trials. 

“Well, then go find him if you’re so concerned,” Gabriel snapped at Michael.  Cas groaned loudly and threw his head back.  His family really couldn’t keep their noses out of each other’s business.

Michael stood up and looked out the window; the snow wasn’t getting any better.  “I’m going to find him before he lands himself on the no-fly list.” 

“You don’t end up on the no-fly list by enjoying yourself at the bar,” Gabriel shot back as he watched Michael walk away, flipping him off before his disappeared down the hall Lucifer had.  “Asshole.”  He crossed his arms across his chest and sank back into his chair.  “Well, two down, four to go.  Who’s next?” 

*****

It was just going on to noon.  They should have boarded now, but instead they were stuck until two at the earliest.  Gabe had just returned from raiding a vending machine.  He had more over-priced candy than what should be allowed for a man—especially a man who was a _doctor._

“Looks like it’s getting worse,” Gabriel commented, tilting his head to the large windows off to the side before sitting down next to Sam.

The snow was swirling, spirals chasing after eachother midair.  Large chunky flakes sprinkled hevaily, crating a wall of white. 

“Great,” Dean mumbled to which Cas offered a small smile, trying to be reassuring.  He grabbed Dean’s left arm, holding his hand with his right and ran his left hand up and down his husband’s forearm gently. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered.  It wasn’t his fault that it was snow or that their flight was cancelled, but he still felt somewhat responsible.  It was _his_ family that insisted that they come on the trip this year.  It was _his_ family that made it clear Dean had to come as well.  If he had more of a backbone when it came to his brothers, Dean and he would be at their condo, arguing about something stupid and not at an airport trying to prevent his husband from having a panic attack.  But, being the baby of the family, he had to be respectful to his older siblings…to some degree.

Cas took Dean’s hand in his again and rubbed his thumb over his knuckles.  Dean was fidgeting in his seat.  Castiel knew he was getting restless.  He was too silent and he was certain that a million of worst case scenarios were flying though his husband’s mind.

A havily pause hung ovrt the men for several long minutes.  The only noise that came from them was when one of them shifted in their seat or let out an exasperated sigh.

“I can’t do this!” Dean announced after fifteen minutes of silence and jumped up from his seat. 

Sam looked up from his phone and furrowed his brows in concern.  “Dean-” he began when his brother breezed past him.

“I’m fine, Sam.”  his voice was clipped as he dragged Cas away from their brothers.  He was still holding Cas’ hand, which was more of the reason the two of them left together.

Gabriel’s eyes followed the two men as they walked away, which left him along with Sam. 

“And then there were two.” Gabe sat back in his chair.  His pulled a chocolate bar from his coat and broke a piece off of it.  “Want some?”  He held the bar out to Sam.

“No thanks.”   Sam glanced at the bar and then where he had last seen Dean.  He probably should go check on his brother, but Dean would probably would hate him for making a fuss.

“He’ll be fine,” Gabe spoke up when he noticed where the younger Winchester’s thoughts were.  “Cassie won’t let anything happen to him.”  He bit of another large chunk of chocolate, almost finishing the bar.

‘That’s the problem,’ Sam thought, but didn’t speak.  Though, he had to admit, in the past four hours they’ve been stuck at the airport, Cas and Dean barely uttered a word to each other, yet they kept close to each other’s side.

“So,” Gabe spoke, breaking the silence between them.  Sam was just pulling his laptop from his bag.  It was only forty-five minutes into their delay—Gabriel was right: it probably would be longer that two hours, so he may as well try to get some work done.  “Who do you think is going to kill whom first?  My money is on Lucifer.”

Sam looked up from his laptop as it started up.  “Those are your brothers.”

“Yeah, but have you not seen Michael and Lucifer spend more than an hour in the same room?  The plane ride will be… Interesting.”  Lucifer was really supposed to sit with Gabriel, while Dean and Cas sat together and Michael alone, but with Sam coming, Gabe took the opportunity to sit with his “vacation buddy”.  “Hell, I’d consider doing it myself if it meant I’d get away with it.”  He glance at Sam and a wide smile spreads across his face.  “Hey, you’re a defence attorney.  Would you be willing to defend me?”

“You know including me in your brothers’ murders would make me an accessory, right?”  He was looking though his emails so he didn’t see the soft smile on Gabriel’s face opposed to the usual cocky one. 

“Damn, and I would hate to see you go to jail.  Orange really isn’t your colour.”

Sam rolled his eyes, but a faint smile on Sam’s was enough to be thankful that youngest Winchester was not like his brother when it came to his humour.

“Yeah, because that would be the problem in that situation,” Sam joked, grining at Gabriel before looking back at his email.

“Hey!  You do know how to joke,” Gabe cheered.  “Dean’s got something wrong about you.”  He smirked and lightly nudged Sam’s shoulder.  The few time that he and Dean actually talked, he mentioned once or twice how Cas reminded him of Sam with his sense of humour, though, Sam understood more.

Sam scoffed softly.  Dean would say that.  Since getting into law school, Dean often teased him about losing his sense of humour and ability to have fun.

They were quiet for a few seconds before Gabriel spoke again.  Unlike Castiel, apparently Gabe couldn’t handle the silence.  “What are you working on?”  Sam had a look of concentration etched on his face for someone who was about to take a ten-day holiday.

“Work.” He was in the middle of emailing his co-worker, Connor, about their boss’ case.  Considering they didn't’officially start work until the new year, they were still doing the same intering work they’ve done in the last few months.  It was strange that after three years of law school together, they both landed jobs at the same firm. 

“You know-” Gabe shifted in his seat, leaning on the armrest next to Sam.  He could seem the laptop screen from this angle, but he wasn’t looking “-a vacation is supposed to be no work.  As in, close the laptop and take a break.”

A smirk spread over the Winchester’s face, but he didn’t look away from the screem. “I promised Connor I would help him finish this before I left.” 

“Mm. It’s so nice to see the youth so dedicated to their work.” 

Sam wasn’t sure if the comment was a joke or meant as a jibe at him for choosing work over imentet boredom.  Before Sam could make judgment, Gabe spoke again with sincerity in his voice that had a warm feeling spread though him. 

“You’re gonna go far, kiddo.” 

The older man was looking straight ahead when Sam peered at him from the corner of his eye, so he was certain that he didn’t see the soft smile ghost over his face.  It was only when Sam looked away when Gabe turned his head and smirked.  He saw the reaction.  Though Sam didn’t say it, he knew he appreciated the compliment.  But it was true: Sam was always the hard worker.  Even when they were younger, Sam was always studying during Thanksgivings and Christmases.

By the third hour of their entrapment—it was delayed for another two at some point before their second hour, and Michael had a few things to say about that when he had found out—Sam turned off his laptop.  He rubbed his eyes tiredly.  Staring at the screen for over two hours in the fluorescent lighting of the airport was _not_ good on his eyes.

“Fuck,” he groaned and pushed both hands through his hair. 

Gabriel was curled in his seat, head rested on the end opposite of Sam.  He lifted his head and glanced at the younger man with raised eyebrows.  “Get your work done?”  They had been silent for the past twenty minutes, mainly because Gabe had left to get something to eat that _wasn’t_ candy, and Sam looked too concentrated when he returned.

“No, but my eyes are killing me.”  He rubbed his eyes again before placing his laptop back in his bag.

“Hmm,” Gabe hummed and sat up straight.  “Taking a break then?”  He reached behind him and pulled his winter coat off the back of his seat.  The way he had sat caused it to bunch up and become uncomfortable against his back.

Sam sat back in his chair, tipping his head with his eyes closed.  “Nah; I’m done.  I did enough that Connor can finish it on his own.”

Gabe nodded and ran his tongue along his top teeth.  An idea popped into his head and he grinned mischievously, though Sam couldn’t see it as his eyes were still closed.  “Want to get some coffee or something?”

Sam sighed heavily and sat up.  “Yeah.  Sure.”  He stood up and grabbed his bag and coat.

“Great!  I need the caffeine if I have to survive three more hours of this.”  Gabe

“Didn’t you just have like two chocolate bar?”  The taller man snorted, looking down at Gabe.

Gabriel looked at him with a ‘Yeah, so?’ expression.  “Your point?”

“Nothing.”  Sam shook his head with an amused smirk.  Gabriel almost seemed unaffected by all the sugar he just consumed, probably he was so used to it by now.

They found a Starbuck and got in the short line to order.

“I usually don’t go for this overpriced crap,”Gabriel announced and took a sip of his coffee.  “They always get my name wrong, and to be honest the hospital’s cafeteria’s coffee is just as good.  It’s also half the price.”

“How the hell do they get ‘Gabriel’ wrong?” Sam laughed and glanced to the man’s coffee cup, which he held up.  There, in black messy writing was ‘Gadriel.’

They walked around the terminal for a bit.  There were no signs of their siblings, which was a little odd since they haven’t seen any of them in over four hours. They only heard from Michael once when Gabe texted him about their flight being delayed for a second time.  That had resulted in a lengthy call from the oldest Novak. 

They found an empty bench and sat down.  There was short pause before either one spoke.  Though they’ve spent some time together before, they always had something to do.  Being trapped in an airport was a whole new situation.  Considering that Sam hadn’t exactly seen Gabe in almost two years—he also didn’t see him much considering his brother and Gabe were brothers-in-law—they were doing well with just small talk.  There were plenty of moments with uncomfortable silence, but Gabe usually broke those with some witty comment, insulting random people as they passed.

“We would’ve been landing soon,” Gabe sighed as he glanced at his watch.  “If the plane actually left on time.”  It was quarter to four, which was a little frustrating considering that they were still stuck at the airport and the the delay showed no sings of ending soon.

There weren’t any windows near them at the moment, so they couldn’t check to see if the snow had cleared up or not. 

“Hopefully it won’t be much longer.”  Sam pushed a hand through his and stretched out his legs.  He let out a small groan.  It was getting very uncomfortable to sit, but at the same time, he didn’t have the energy to walk around.

He sat back down and closed his eyes.  He was so exhausted.  Waiting was tirering.  Waiting at an airport while your flight is delayed, and now delayed for the second time was fucking torture.  He was only slightly aware of his head dropping against Gabriel’s shoulder.  He would have moved, but he was too comfortable and Gabe didn’t seem to mind.

*****

Once they were closer to the other side of the terminal, Dean took a seat in the empty sitting area. 

“Why the hell did I let you talk me into going?  Why the hell did I agree to come?”  Dean groaned and buried his head in his hands.  He was seriously regretting not fighting the pressure to come.

Was it irrational to freak out in the middle of an airport?  Dean would have laughed at himself if he weren’t so wound up over the fact that he _was_ in an airport and waiting to get _on_ a plane.  He shouldn’t be afraid; he was a fucking police officer.  He’s been shot at—twice.  He’s done a lot more dangerous shit than getting on an airplane.

When he had woke up, Cas had surprised him with breakfast from his favourite diner.  But even that couldn’t get rid of the bundle of nots in his stomach.  They had needed to be at the airport two hours before their flight, but due to Michael’s anal retentive attitude, he had insisted that they _had_ to be at the airport three hours before their flight, which was why they ended up on the road at eight-thirty.  Due to the weather and the fact that it was a Saturday, they had expected bad traffic.  They were suprised that essential no one had been on the road.  Three hours early had turned into four hours, and four hours meant a total of eight hours of suffering for Dean.

Castiel stood to the side of Dean.  He had his arms crossed, trying to not reach out and touch Dean.  He felt a pang of guilt.  He should have told Gabe to fuck off when he insisted on Dean coming this time.  That was his job, right?  To protect his husband.  But Gabriel had been persistent.

“Dean,” He sighed and took a seat by Dean.  He wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulder.  “Please, try to calm down.  You’re getting yourself too worked up.”

Dean’s head snapped up and he glared at Cas.  “I am not.”  His tone was sharp.   “You’d be like this too if you hated flying and just wanted to get over it.  Oh, but wait, the flight is fucking delayed.”  He pushed off Cas’ hand and slumped to the side of his chair.  He rested his left arm on the armrest and ran his fingers through his hair.  Planes, he just really hated planes.

“Hey at least be grateful that I convinced Gabe to go to the Dominican.”  His voice held a slight edge.  Dean wasn’t hearing his words.  “It was going to be Hawaii if I hadn’t stepped in.  That would have been a twelve-hour flight.  This one is only four.”

Dean remained silent.  That was kind of sweet, he guessed.  Castiel had actually got the destination changed so he didn’t have to suffer _too_ much.   He glanced in Cas direction and actually smiled.  It wasn’t like the kind they put on for their family—it was warm and sincere.

“No need to say anything,” Cas muttered, looking ahead and away from Dean.  He was still all little irritated. “It’s just what husbands do for each other.  I wasn’t about to let you suffer—too much.”  He expected a scoff or snide remark from Dean not the feeling of a hand wrapping around his, lacing their fingers together.  He looked to his husband with raised eyebrows.

Dean still had the same small smile on his lips.  “Thank you.”  His voice was gentle and quiet.  Cas wanted to laugh at how childlike Dean seemed at the moment.  Maybe it was sympathy for Dean or his gentle demeanor at the moment, but Cas had an urge to lean forward and kiss Dean.  He didn’t, of course.  He didn’t want to pud=sh this moment any more than where it had gone.

*****

“God, that stick is so far up your ass I’m surprised that you can still walk!” Lucifer snapped.  His face was scrunched up in anger with his hands balled into fist at his sides.  His face was only inches from Michael’s.

“Well, at least I’m not a drunk!  Really; I’m surprised you’ve found your way home half the time.” 

“It’s called having fun, Michael.  Though, by the look of confusion on your face, I’m not sure you understand the definition.”

“Why you little-”

“Oh, Luci, Mikey!” Gabe called from two feet away.  It was actually surpassingly easy finding his brothers.  They were stood just off to the side of the food court _loudly_ arguing.

“What?!” they both growled in unison.

Gabe looked irritated, but neither of the older Novaks paid any attention to it.  “Thought you’d might like to know we’re boarding.  You both have five minutes to haul your asses to the gate before I drag them there.”  He gave a sickly sweet smile that dropped as soon as he turned around and left for the gate.

 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so after receiving a couple of reviews pointing out that I had a few repeating paragraphs, I went back to correct everything and ended up deleting the chapter. This is what I get for using mobile and not waiting until I get home. 
> 
> Thank you to JuniorWoofles and Jupanuma for pointing out all the paragraphs I missed! I forgot to delete them when I was editing this for the final time. Sorry. 
> 
> Hopefully, it's all fixed now, but if you notice any more mistakes, please don't hesitate to let me know. I would greatly appreciate it.

_It was the plane ride from Hell._

At least, that’s how Lucifer and Michael would’ve described it.  Dean wouldn’t be willing to admit that the only thing that had stopped him from having a panic attack had been the feel of Cas’ hand in his own, and the sound of Cas’ soothing words in his ear.

As for Gabriel, well, he’d won the lottery with his ‘plane buddy.’  He and Sam had the two seats behind Lucifer and Michael, and the younger Novak was not sympathetic in the slightest.  Lucifer was close to strangling Michael as well as Gabriel.  Everything Michael and Lucifer had to say to each other, Gabe had his own opinion to share.

Castiel pushed their door open, going in first to turn on the light for Dean.  A bright, golden shine lit up the large room;   it looked airy, even in the dim light, but right  in the middle of the room was a king-sized bed.

Castiel groaned and looked back at Dean.  “At least the room is nice,”  he said. This would be the last time they put Gabriel in charge of booking.  They had asked for a room away from Gabe’s, and here they were with a room right next to his.

“Could be worse,” Dean mumbled, sounding worn out.  

Cas hummed but didn’t reply.  He was exhausted too;  six hours in an airport and then a four-hour flight wasn’t exactly a vacation.  He locked the door as Dean started rummaging through their bags.  All he  wanted to do was have a shower and go to sleep.

Dean, on the other hand, was exhausted and yet wired at the same time.  He usually got like this after pulling a string of night shifts with very little sleep, and he knew he  needed to burn off the excess energy before trying to settle in for the night.  Cas was talking about their plans for tomorrow, but Dean was too busy  digging through their bags to pay much attention to what he was saying.  Once he found what he was looking for, he stepped up to Cas, who still had his back to him

“Maybe we could-” he was saying, but he trailed off as two strong hands gripped him around the waist.

“You’re warm,” Dean mumbled, trailing his lips over Cas’ neck, hands slipping  under his husband’s shirt, fingers running up and down Cas’ sides, “and sweaty.”  

Castiel turned, smiling as he  met Dean’s gaze.  His expression  was soft and relaxed.  If it weren’t for Dean’s hands stroking his abdomen, Cas would’ve demanded his shower now.  He felt gross from the flight, and heat wasn’t exactly the most pleasant at this hour of the night.

“Mm.”  Dean leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cas’.  The kiss started out innocent enough.  Dean’s hands tightened their grip, eliciting a groan from the shorter man.

“Dean,” Cas whispered.  He moved his hands up, carding them through the soft tufts of Dean’s hair.  He groaned softly as Dean walked him back, pressing him against the door.

Dean pulled away, pressing a kiss along Cas’ jaw.   He was buzzing, nearly ready to jump out of his skin.  Cas’ right hand moved to cup his jaw, guiding his face back.  The kiss was more hurried.  Dean sucked onto Cas’ bottom lip before pulling away.

 “Want you,” he mumbled against his lover’s neck.  “I  _need_   you.”  His left hand wandered down to Cas’ pants, pulling on the waistband.  “Please.”  He cupped Cas through the rough fabric, grinning smugly when the younger man let out a quiet moan.

“Dean,” Cas tried to say, his voice coming out more like a whine;   his hips pushed against Dean’s, seeking more.The older man smirked, placing a quick peck on the corner of his husband’s lips and dropping to his knees.    

He palmed Cas’ cock, feeling it harden under his touch.  A small chuckle bubbled at his lips, but he held it back, knowing Cas would chew his head off if he laughed.  Cas’ left hand found Dean’s head again, slowly ruffling his already mussed hair.  

Dean made quick work of Cas’ pants and boxers, pushing them down until  they pooled on the floor.  He wrapped his hand around Cas, teasingly stroking him to full hardness.

Dean was straining against his jeans, but he held off.  One thing he knew how to do—both inside and outside the bedroom—was drive Cas nuts.  It just so happened that Cas was so easy to wind  up when it came to sex.

“Get on with it,” Cas ground out between gritted teeth.  Enough with the teasing.  He’d just spent the better part of his day cramped in a plastic chair;  Dean was now kneeling before him with the promise of sex, and instead, the damn tease was doing anything but.  A hand on his dick barely moving was not what Dean had implied.

Without so much of a warning, the loose grip was replaced with the feeling of warm and wet.  

The younger man’s breath hitched as Dean’s tongue ran along the underside of his dick.  Dean swirled his tongue around the head, lapping up the pre-come pre-cum, which caused his husband to grip his hair tighter and buck.

“Shit.  Oh-oh,” he gasped, his voice breaking off.  His head tipped back and his eyes fluttered closed, his mouth opening in a silent cry.  Dean was always good at sex, but sometimes it still surprised Cas  just  _how_  good he was.

He gripped Cas’ hips, keeping him still as he bobbed his head.  Cas was moaning and whimpering above him.  His grip on his hair was only slightly painful, but it helped fuel his arousal.  Cas’ begging was always a fucking turn on for him.

“Oh, God, Dean,” Cas moaned as Dean pulled back, running his hand up his chest.

“I just w-want this.”  Dean’s voice was breathless and panting as his stood up, stripping off his t-shirt.  He grabbed the collar of Cas’ shirt, pulling it open, sending a couple of buttons flying.  He tugged roughly on the pale blue fabric until it fell to the floor.  He didn’t give Cas a moment to catch his breath before he pushed him down on the bed. Castiel let out a small gasp, watching as the taller man moved closer to him.

“Hmm.”  Dean’s voice was soft; his breath ghost over his face.  “I know you want this too.  You were moaning like a whore a minute ago.”  He chuckled when Cas groaned and closed his eyes.He almost wanted to be ashamed that Dean was right, but the sensation had felt too good.  Fuck, he did want this.  He wanted this  _so_  badly.

“Turn over,” Dean ordered a second later, and Cas quickly obeyed, turning onto his stomach.  He had a sneaky feel of what his husband was about to do and it excited him; having Dean this way was unusual.

Soft, wet kisses were trailed down Cas’ back.  Dean’s left hand slid onto Cas’ shoulder.  He didn’t give Cas any warning before his tongue ran over  Cas’ hole.  He repeated the motion twice before slipping  his tongue in, eliciting a sharp hiss and groan from his husband.

“Fuck!  Dean.” Cas buried his face in the blankets.  He knew he should be concerned that his brothers were all in nearby rooms,  but he was so distracted by Dean’s tongue was doing wonderfully dirty things that he was beyond caring.

He was vaguely aware of someone banging on the wall - or was that the bed?  Could this bed move?  Either way, Dean wasn’t stopping, so Cas couldn’t find it in him to care.

Dean pulled back, chuckling at the needy whine that Cas let out.  He rolled his tongue around the ring of muscles.  Cas pushed back, grinding his hips against the sheets, trying to gain friction, but it wasn’t enough.

“Dean, please,” he whined, trying to reach behind him for Dean, but a strong, firm hand pinned his to the bed, stopped him.

“What do you want, Cas?”  Dean’s breath ghost over Cas’ flushed back, placing soft kisses over the skin.

The touch was so gentle and yet infuriating.  He wanted Dean’s hands on him, holding him as he thrust into him.  

“Y-you,” he panted.  “I want you, Dean. I need you.”  God, he sounded pathetic, begging for it.  He was vaguely aware of a chuckle behind him, and the weight on the bed shifting.

Dean reached over to the nightstand for the bottle of lube.  Castiel wasn’t sure where it had come from, but he wasn’t about to question it.

“Turn around,” Dean ordered.

Cas did as he was told, staring up at Dean, eyes filled with lust.   God, he was fucking  _beautiful_.  He spread his legs without a command, waiting impatiently for Dean to do something.

With another groan of Dean’s name, Dean smirked and coated his fingers, slipping one in.  

Cas hissed lowly.  It’s what he wanted, but still, it wasn’t  enough.  He rocked against Dean’s finger, encouraging him to move.  Dean pushed a second finger in after a minute, and then a third once he had his husband begging for it.

“D-Dean-” Cas panted.  He was sweating now, on edge from the teasing, and wanted more.  It surprised him that he’d managed to last this long.  But if Dean didn’t fuck him soon, he doubted he would last much longer.  “If you don’t fuck me in the next—fuck,” he cried when Dean brushed his prostate  _again._

The older man bit his lips, suppressing a groan as he watched the man beneath him writhing , thrusting up against his fingers.

“You’re a greedy little thing,” he taunted, breathing tickling Cas’ ear.  “Sure you want more?”  Fuck, he didn’t think he’d last as long as he wanted to.  His cock was pushing against his boxers, leaking and throbbing from the neglect.  He needed to be in Cas,  _now_.

“Yes,” the younger man moaned, answering Dean’s question, but also in relief as his partner pulled back, removing his fingers.  

Dean stood up and pushed his boxers down his hips, kicking them to the side.  He wrapped a hand around his cock, stroking himself two times before grabbing the lube again.  He slicked himself up, and crawled over Castiel, pressing the tip against his lover’s waiting hole.

He claimed Cas’ lips in a filthy, desperate kiss before pushing forward, groaning at the feeling of Cas wrapped around him.

“ _Shit_.”  He buried his face in Cas’ shoulder, not moving until Cas gave the ‘okay.’  But also, he needed a moment to regain control. Cas was warm and tight around him.  He had also been worked up from Cas’ teasing.

“Dean,”  Cas gasped, breathless, rolling his hips against Dean’s.  “Fuck me already.”  His legs were wrapped around Dean’s waist, his heels digging into his lower back.

Dean didn’t need to be told twice.  He pulled back and then pushed back in with more force.  Both men groaned in pleasure.  With Cas’ encouragements, Dean’s  thrusts grew faster and harder.  It was loud and dirty.  Each time he brushed Cas’ prostate, caused the other man to gasp or call his name.  

Castiel scratched at Dean’s back, nails digging in his shoulder blades as the man continued to fuck him.  He already felt the pull in his stomach.  His cock twitched, leaking beads of pre-come pre-cum onto his stomach.

“D-Dean… Baby, please.”  He rocked his hips up, meeting Dean’s thrusts, groaning a little too loudly when Dean hit his prostate directly.  “G-gonna come,” he panted.  “Please.”

The was a low chuckle from Dean as Cas threw his head back, his eyes closed tightly.  He looked ruined; flushed red, a thin sheen of sweat covered his skin, his hair mussed  and his eyes almost black.  The look on Cas was fucking hot, and it was even more appealing to Dean, knowing  _he_ was the one doing this to his husband.

“Wanna come, Cas?” he whispered tauntingly as he wrapped his hand around Cas’ swollen cock, bring out a sharp gasp. “Gonna scream my name?  Let your brothers know who you belong to?”

Had he been in a better state of mind, Cas would have been mortified knowing that his family could possibly hear them.  Instead, a low whimper fell from his lips once as he felt Dean’s hand wrap  around him.  He just wanted release; he didn’t care who heard him.  Hell, he’d take Gabriel’s ridicule if it meant he’d get to come.  He’d held off a long as he could; he was gone now  Dean lifted his left leg higher, causing him to slide in deeper.

“Dean!”  It was a plea.  All he heard was Dean’s voice whisper a command.  All he heard was “come” before he was crying out, spilling over his stomach and Dean’s hand.

Dean rocked his hips desperately chasing his own release.  He came with a low groan, arms shaking.  They were both panting hard.  Dean’s heartbeat was racing.  His arms burned as they worked to hold him.

He dropped onto Cas, careful not to crush him.  He gasped quietly into Cas’ ear after burying his head against his husband’s neck.  He was too weak to move at the moment, but Castiel didn’t seem to care.  His one hand still laid against Dean’s back, while his other held onto the forearm of the only arm propping Dean up.

A loud bang on the wall sounded around the room, followed by Gabriel’s muffled, but clearly pissed off voice.  “Hey!  Quit it!”

Castiel groaned, but Dean surprisingly just chuckled.  “Jealous?” he called out.  He looked down at Cas, who didn’t look impressed, but it was more directed at the fact that Dean responded than what he said.

There was another loud bang of a fist hitting the wall, but Gabe didn’t say anything in return.

*****

The next morning, they all met at the buffet for breakfast.  Castiel and Dean were the last to arrive, receiving a scoff from Michael and a glare from Gabe, though for completely different reasons.

“You’re late,” Michael scolded, the frown still etched on his face.  “We agreed on eight.”

“I have an idea why,” Gabe grumbled, stabbing his melon with his fork.

Dean shrugged, smirking cockily.  He took a piece of bacon from Sam’s plate and popped it into his mouth.

“What good is setting a time if you’re going to be late?” Michael continued, unable to let it go that someone wasn’t following his carefully constructed schedule.

“ _You_  decided on eight,” Lucifer corrected , rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.  “If I had it my way, I wouldn’t have been up until after ten.  We just got off a plane twelve hours ago.”

The eldest Novak glared murderously at his brother.  “We have a lot to do today and the days to come.  Since we’re not  staying at the Paradisus resort-” here there was a loud groan from both Lucifer and Gabe; apparently Michael was still bitter about the change of resorts,  “I have decided to try my best to enjoy this vacation, which is why I have planned out the next eight days with as many of the activities as I could that they have here

Gabriel rolled his tongue around in his mouth.  Could his brother be any more conceited?  “Okay, first of all, drop it about The Reserve.  Not all of us make five thousand an hour.  Second, who says we want to spend the day with you?  I’m tired, and the last place I want to be dragged to is a fucking yoga class.  Lucifer and I are going to the beach, and if you don’t like it you can shove it up your ass.  I really don’t care.”

Michael inhaled sharply, fist clenched on the table.  He opened his mouth to protest, but promptly closed it.  They got  _one_ day to themselves.  This was a family vacation, damn it, they were going to acting like a fucking family.  For once.

“Someone’s cranky,” Dean teased as he stabbed at his eggs. Cas groaned and rubbed his forehead like he was soothing a headache.

“Oh, shut it.  It’s your fault.  And yours.”  Gabe glared at his baby brother.  “I didn’t need to be treated to the soundtrack of your sex life.  No one needed to hear that!”

Dean shrugged and rested an arm on the back of Castiel’s chair.  “You’re just mad because you’re stuck with your hand!

Gabe flipped him off, but Dean just  winked with a crooked smirk.  Cas elbowed him in the ribs, but the look on Gabe and his brother’s face was worth it.  He was also sure that he saw Sam push his plate away in disgust.

*****

 

The beach was crowded; there were people everywhere, both on the beach and in the water. Gabe, Sam, and Lucifer had managed to snag a decent spot not to far from the water, although it could have been closer. Cas and Dean had declined to come, and Michael was off at the tennis court. Or was it golf?

Gabe was sitting on his towel, staring ahead at the people splashing around the water.  He had been watching Sam but lost sight of him moments before.  Lucifer was somewhere down the beach.  He went chasing after some brunette in a blue bikini.

He found it a little boring, just sitting in the sand alone without anyone to keep him entertained. He knew he could join Sam, but he was a city boy who preferred the pool instead of the ocean, even if the water was gorgeous - a nice change from the cold and snow back in New York.

It was fifteen minutes later when he finally spotted Sam again.  If his breath hitched at the sight of the young Winchester wet and shirtless, well, that was his business.  And his eyes definitely did not linger on his toned chest.

 “Hey.”  Sam smiled and grabbed his towel.  He rubbed it over his hair, drying up the excess water.  “You sure you don’t want to go in?”  It was the third time he offered.

“Hey,” Sam said with a smile, grabbing his towel and rubbing it over his hair to dry the excess water. “You sure you don’t want to go in?”

“I’m fine.”  Gabriel kicked his feet out in front of him and leaned back on his arms to look up at Sam, who was standing directly in the way of the sun.  “Just stay like that though. You make a great tree,” he teased.

Sam groaned and moved out of the way, laying his towel out next to Gabriel’s.  

“Ugh.”  The sun nearly blinded the older man, despite his  sunglasses.  He squinted his eyes behind the dark lens and looked away, glaring at Sam.  “That was fucking cruel.”

“And that tree comment was better?”  Sam smirked.  “Guess how many times I’ve heard that one.”  Usually, that comment made him roll his eyes and feel irritated—yes, he was tall, he didn’t need to be reminded of it—but with Gabe, it just felt like fun bantering.  

Gabriel was trying hard to look anywhere but Sam’s torso, which was hard.  Considering the way Sam was sitting on his towel and the way Gabe had to look at him to talk, thank  _God_ he had his sunglasses.

Gabriel glanced at his watch, the metal sticking to his clammy skin.  It was just after one, and four hours since he last ate, which was, in his opinion, unacceptable. “So, do you want to get lunch or something?”  

“Didn’t we just eat?”  asked the older man, giving Sam a pointed look.   

Sam snorted. “Fine.”  He nodded his head and reached for his stuff.  “Let’s go.”  He picked up his towel and folded it before tossing it over his shoulder.  

Gabe quickly packed up his things, leaving Lucifer’s where Lucifer had left them.

“Uh-“ Sam turned around and looked back at Lucifer’s things “-shouldn’t we bring those?”  He pointed to the towel and flip-flops.

Gabriel looked at his brother’s things, humming as if he was considering something.  “Nah.  If he loses them, it’s his problem.”   

The younger man was ready to protest.  If he did that with Dean’s things, he’d easily be torn a new one.  But Gabe was already walking up the beach, leaving Sam to catch up to him.

*****

By the fourth day in, Dean and Cas were ready to get back to New York; get back to work.  There was nothing to do, and they’d already gotten told off, once by Lucifer and twice by Michael.  Resorts like these were not their scene; Dean preferred to stay home or just go out to a bar.  If he wanted to spend time in the sun, he would have lived in California.  He was positive he wouldn’t be able to handle another four days.  

Having Sam would have made things easier if he wasn’t hanging out with that goblin Cas called a brother every damn  _minute._ He saw Sam maybe twice during the day, at breakfast and dinner—three times if they wandered into each other.

“It’s five more days,” Cas sighed on the afternoon of the fourth day, looking  at Dean with that typical pleading look that said ‘please stop bitching.’  “Four more days here and then a plane ride the next.  It’ll go by quickly.”

“Five days more than I should have to deal with.  I didn’t want to come.  Just like last year and the year before,” Dean argued, leaning closer to Cas.  The table in front of them prevented him from getting right in his husband’s face.

Cas frowned, irritated.  Dean  was just being repetitive now, and it was getting tiring.  “You don’t think I know that?  I don’t want to be here any more than you do.  But my family doesn’t know how to butt out.  We backed out of these trips three years in a row.”

“Well, they need to learn.  Especially Michael.  You’re  _twenty-eight_ , Cas.  Grow a fucking backbone when it comes to your family.”

Dean knew even as he was saying this that it was the wrong thing to say.   Yes, it was true, but he really didn’t have any right to point it out.  He wasn’t any better when it came to his father—he just avoided his dad instead, much to the annoyance of his brother.  It’d been two months since his father’s release, and still Dean had talked to him only twice  (the day Sam dragged him to Bobby’s and Sam’s graduation party); he wasn’t planning on making it three anytime soon.

Castiel didn’t reply.  He wanted to, but one thing he had  learned from his brother (who didn’t follow this rule), was to think before speaking.  He could be just as nasty as Dean.  He could lower himself and insult Bobby, Sam, even John, but he wouldn’t do that.  He loved Dean’s family like his own, and it wouldn’t end. So instead he said:

“Well, being the firstborn of your family, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“If you say so.”  Dean shrugged and popped a fry into his mouth.  “Still your life, Cas.”

They remained silent for a few minutes after that.  The only sound around them was that of the other vacationers enjoying their lunch.

Two men walked by, talking loudly.  Dean looked over.  The one man reminded him of Cas; tall, dark hair, with light eyes.  He was laughing at something his friend said when he caught sight of Dean.  He smiled warmly at him and Dean smiled back.  He was attractive, Dean had to admit.  If Cas wasn’t here… No!  No, he had to get that thought out of his head.  He flirted, but he would  _not_  do  _that._

“Look, I think we should…”  Cas looked up from his plate and trailed off.  He looked around at Dean and then in the direction his husband’s attention was directed at the moment.  He frowned when he saw two men, one obviously interested in Dean and vice versa.  A scowl appeared on his face and he moved his hand in front of Dean’s face, snapping his fingers.  “Hey!”

Dean blinked and looked back at his husband before averting his eyes.

“See something interesting?” Cas demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Just checking out the… scenery,” said Dean quickly.

Cas didn’t know why, but that line just didn't  sit well with him.   As for Dean went back to focusing on his burger, and so he missed Castiel watching him with a sad frown before he too went back to his lunch.

*****

“Dean,” Cas sighed from his perch on the bed.  His right elbow rested on his thigh, his head supported by his

“Dean,” Cas sighed from his perch on the bed.  His right elbow rested on his thigh, his head supported by his hand.  He was bored and only half listening to Dean, who was sat at the desk with his laptop open.  “Will you just drop it?  We agreed on no work talk while we were here.”  

Dean had a new page opened, which headlined a gang attack.  A man was stabbed, but managed to get away, though, by the extent of his injuries, it would be a miracle if he pulled through.

Dean turned in the chair and angled the screen so Castiel could see the headline clearly.  “You said no work talk. I didn’t promise anything.”

Cas groaned and dropped back against the pillows, throwing his right hand over his eyes. “We are 2500 miles from New York.  There is nothing you can do here, okay?  Enough.” He got off the bed, walked over to Dean and, ignoring his protests, reached around him and closed the screen. “You need to let it go.”  He rubbed at Dean’s shoulders, feel just how tense his husband was.  “You dedicate too much time to work,” he whispered in his husband’s ear, enjoying the little shiver that went through Dean at the feel of Cas’ breath tickling over his skin.

Dean let out a low moan and pushed back his chair, turning to face Cas.  “And is that a bad thing?”  He cocked an eyebrow, which Cas replied to with a smug smile.  He grabbed the collar of Dean’s shirt, pulling the taller man against him, crushing their lips together in a deep kiss.

One thing that had changed from the last vacation was that Cas and Dean were spending a  _lot_  more time in bed. Three years ago, Dean had avoided Cas like the plague; he spent most of his time on the beach or in his room while Cas’ brothers dragged him off to some family therapy activity.

Dean let out a low groan and pulled Castiel closer to him.  He began to tug at his husband’s shirt, while moving his mouth down, lightly biting and sucking the tanned skin of Cas’ neck.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, tipping his head back to give him better access.  His right hand gripped at Dean’s bicep as hips rocked against Dean’s, eager to take things further.

There was a sharp knock at their door, followed by the one voice, next to Sam’s, Dean really didn’t want to hear.

“Cassie!  I know you and lover boy are in there!” Gabe’s loud and overly enthused voice cut through the door.

Dean nearly growled and dropped his forehead against Cas’ shoulder.  His hands loosened around his lover’s hips, as he knew this wasn’t going to continue.  Not when he had a pain in the ass brother-in-law demanding to be let in.

“Michael said it’s lunchtime, so get your asses out here for some family bonding.  Or more like get out of Cas’ ass, Dean.”  There was a loud laugh, followed by another voice.  It was muffled and directed at Gabriel.  It sounded a bit like Sam, but Dean wasn’t too sure.  Gabe let out a whine and judging by the noise, Dean figured whoever it was, he was reprimanding Gabe.  

“Remind me to kill him the next time he comes over,” Dean grumbled, pulling away from Cas.  He rolled his eyes at the gasp Cas let out.  What?  Like he actually believed him?

Cas stared at Dean, irritation etched on his face. He was used to Dean’s futile threats, and he knew he’d never actually hurt Gabe. But it got old real fast.

“What?” Dean said. “I know how to make it look like an accident.”

Cas stared at him with a look that said, ‘I’m done with your shit, Dean.’ Dean thought it was kind of cute on him. Cas was just too easy to rile up, just like Sam. “Okay, fine. I won’t kill him I’ll just seriously harm him.”

“He’s my brother, Dean.  Yes, he can be a bit of a dick sometimes, but he’s harmless.”  Cas moved to grab his wallet from its spot on the bed and walked over to the door.  “It’s Lucifer you really need to watch out for.  Gabe pranks.  Lucifer…” he trailed off for a moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words.  “I’m almost inclined to say it borders  on torture.  If you ask Michael for an opinion.”

Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes with a somewhat amused smile.  “And this is why I insist on staying away from your family as much as possible.”

He opened the door, but no one was outside the door.  Gabe had probably been dragged away or had decided he really was afraid of Dean’s wrath when provoked.  Probably the former; the little shit wasn’t so easily scared.

“Just get over it.  Four more days and then we’re out of here,” Cas sighed and brushed past Dean.

By the time they got to the buffet, everyone else was already there.  Gabriel was the first to spot them, as Michael had his head down and Lucifer had his back to them.

“Glad you could finally join us!” Gabe cheered, a smug smile plastered on his face.  “I hope you weren’t too busy.”  He gave the two men a saucy wink.  Dean flipped him off, and Sam jabbed Gabe in the ribs, mumbling something loud enough for only Gabe to hear. The older man rolled his eyes, but there was a small smile playing at his lips.

“So,” Lucifer drawled, after giving the couple a few moments to settle down.  He sat back in his chair, throwing his arm around the back of Dean’s chair.  “What happened?”  He spoke in a dry, uninterested voice.  “Ran out of condoms?  If so, I’d be happy to provide you with, um, equipment.  Or are you two just that kinky and go without it?”  His broke off into a larger laugh.

Michael and Gabe didn’t react, while Sam made a face as if he was trying to not throw up.

“Oh for fuck’s sakes,” Dean groused and swatted the man’s arm away, who looked too amused for his own good.

“A little sensitive there, Winchester?” the man taunted, taking a long pull of his beer.

“Bite me, Cupid.”  Dean pulled his chair as far away from his brother-in-law as he could.  Cas had his arm on the table, hiding his smirk behind his fist.  

“Ooo, feisty.”  Lucifer winked.  “I like that.  You know, if you ever wanted-”

“Lucifer!” Cas finally spoke up.  “Enough.  Drop it.”

“What’s wrong, Cassie?” Gabe chimed in.  “I thought all that time in the bedroom would have made you less-”

Dean and Cas groaned and glared at their family.  And they wondered why the hell they were constantly stressed and on edge with each other.  Their teasing was  _not_ helping.

“And this is why I wanted to skip lunch.”  Dean frowned and sighed.  He had suggested having lunch later or alone, but Castiel insisted that they had to be with his family or they would never hear the end of it from Michael.  So far, though, the reprimanding sounded better than the teasing.

“Yeah, well, learn from your mistakes,” Cas replied before forcing a smile at Gabriel, hoping to steer the conversation away from them.

Gabriel smiled back with an impish grin, almost like he was hiding a secret or knew something.  The thing was, Cas didn’t know what there was to hide.  Gabe was an open book.

*****

Gabe was still seated at the table from breakfast.  Michael and Lucifer were long gone.  Michael had dragged Luci off to a water aerobics class, while his brother griped about how it was only for old people.

“Hey!”  Suddenly the seat across Gabe was taken, holding a Sam that was far too happy for it to be only nine in the morning.

Gabe looked up from his plate.  His smile quickly dropped when he saw Sam’s face.  Sam  wanted something, and he had a sneaky feeling that it was going to involve something that caused him a lot of pain or embarrassment.

“What?” he dragged out the word and narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

The hesitant attitude from Gabriel didn’t do anything to dim Sam’s smile.  It was still as bright as the fucking sun.   _Great._ In the past few days, one thing he’d learned about Sam was that he was a  _morning_ person.  Gabriel, if he had it his way, would still be passed out in bed until at least nine.

“Do you want to do something today?” asked Sam, as if he and Gabe didn’t hang out every day.  They were taking their roles of “vacation buddies” seriously, but this was the first time Sam had asked Gabe for something.  It usually was Gabe making the plans and Sam just willingly going along with it.

Gabriel rolled his tongue along his teeth.  Growing up with Lucifer and Michael taught him to never agree to anything without knowing what it was.  However, he was almost certain he’d agree to anything Sam asked him to do, whether it was legal or not.

“Do you trust me?” Sam continued when Gabriel didn’t answer him.  

 _Too_ _much_ , is what Gabe wanted to say.  It was true, he trusted Sam just a little too much for his own good.  “Um, that depends,” is what he decided on saying.  Of course he had to throw in some humor.  “Does it involve moving?  I’m on vacation; I am planning on doing the least amount of physical activity possible.”

“Come on. It’ll be fun!” Sam said, giving him that bright wide smile that made it so hard to resist him. Gabe was pretty sure that Sam had no idea of the effect that smile had on him; he now understood why Dean had such a hard time saying no to Cas. Still, he didn’t want to agree without knowing what it was. “I promise you it isn’t painful,” Sam added.  “Or illegal.”

*****

How he ended up in a yoga class with Sam Winchester was beyond him. When Sam had asked him this morning about doing an activity together, this wasn’t what Gabe had in mind; he’d thought it would be shopping, or going to the pool—anything but  _yoga_.

Maybe if he had paid attention more attention to what Sam was wearing, and less attention to how good Sam looked in what he was wearing, , he would have noticed that the man was wearing a pair of black gym shorts and a steel blue muscle shirt.  All Sam had said was change into something comfortable, which for Gabe was a grey t-shirt and black basketball shorts.

Sam was just lucky that he’d rather spend his day with him than alone or with his family.

The class began soon after they arrived.  It was instructed by a young tall, male with short, spiked blonde hair and brown eyes.  He looked close to Sam’s age.  Weirdly, the class was a mix of men and women.  Gabe would’ve assumed that the whole class would be filled with women.

The first part was easy, it was just fucking breathing.  They then went into a couple of basic poses, nothing too complicated.  It was only when they went into down dog that Gabe began to struggle.  He wasn’t made to bend like that.   He wasn’t flexible at all.

“I thought you said this wouldn’t be painful,” he snapped, trying to sound pissed, but his voice wavered.  “This is fucking torture.” .”

“It would help if you were doing it properly,” Sam laughed, looking over at Gabe who was in plank form, but with his back severely arched.   “You’re supposed to lift your hips up and keep your back straight.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and huffed before trying to lift his hips up.  His back was still hunched, and the back of his thighs were feeling tight.  Maybe he really should consider stretching more so his muscles didn’t feel like they were about to tear.

“Well, I wasn’t made to bend in half,” he snapped back. So he hadn’t been in the gym for a couple of months. Whatever.

Sam chuckled, standing up. “Want me to help?”  he asked. Gabriel wasn’t aware of what Sam meant until he felt a pair of hands gently grab his hips.

He was pretty sure he’d seen this in a gay porno once, the yoga instructor fucking his student. Technically, Sam wasn’t the instructor, but that was just a minor detail.

Sam then ran a hand along bending the man’s back, pushing down lightly to smooth smoothing out the arch in his back.  The position was slightly uncomfortable, but bending his knees slightly did help, and Sam didn’t tell him off, so he assumed that was allowed.

The position though caused Gabe’s shirt to rise up a little, exposing a small section of his abdomen.  Sam’s fingers brushed over the skin, sending a shiver through Gabriel.  It was a light touch, but it was doing more to the young doctor than he cared to admit. He bit his lip to hold back the soft sigh the bubbled at his lips.

Sam, if he was being honest with himself, would admit he let his touch linger a little longer than it needed to.  Gabe’s skin was smooth and warm underneath his fingers.  He momentarily forgot where he was and what he was doing when he let his hands travel up Gabriel’s sides, stroking the warm flesh.

This was wrong.  Sam’s touch wasn’t exactly clinical.  He shouldn’t be feeling something from the large, gentle hands on him.  There was a flutter building in his stomach and low, shaky sigh escaped his lips before he could stop it; Sam didn’t miss it.

“Gabe,” Sam began, but was interrupted by Gabriel’s breathy, uneven voice.

“Sam,” Gabe whispered when he noticed everyone around them moved into a different pose.  He didn’t want to break the bubble they were in, but he also didn’t want this to escalate.  

“S-sorry,” he stuttered and quickly pulled his hands back, clenching them tightly against his sides.  He ducked his head, avoiding looking at Gabe, and walked back to his mat.  He moved into child’s pose, using the chance to try and think of anything other than the way Gabriel reacted to his touch.

By the end of the class, Sam wanted to be as far away from Gabe as possible.  He had been stealing glances at Gabriel all through the class when the man wasn’t looking.  He didn’t know that Gabriel was doing the same thing; he was just too embarrassed about his actions.

The walk back to their rooms was awkwardly silent; both men were deep in their own thoughts.  Sam couldn’t believe how he allowed himself to practically feel up his friend.  Friend—that’s basically what Gabe was.  After four months of hanging out, he considered his brother’s brother-in-law as a friend, ironically.  Okay, it wasn’t as bad as he was making it sound, and Gabriel's hand stopped him—right away.  That had to count for something, right?  Maybe he was just over thinking it.

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update!! I had planned on getting this chapter out a lot sooner, but work and life decided to screw with me. This is my longest chapter by far! So hopefully that makes for it. And We get to explore more into Sam and Gabe's relationship. ;)

“You’re thirty-four years old, Lucifer.  Quit acting half your age and grow the fuck up!” Michael snapped, pointing a finger in dramatic form.  What had started out as a family breakfast had turned into _another_ family therapy session for the two oldest Novaks.

Gabriel inhaled deeply, leaning over to Sam.  “Ten bucks says Lucifer clocks Michael before the end of this.”

Sam stared at the man with a slightly shocked confession.  Judging from the irritated and bored look on his friend’s face, he was being serious. 

“Hell, I’ll give you twenty dollars to not stop me from punching him, and to provide legal representation if Luci decides to sue me.”  They still had two days before their flight home, and already this vacation was more like something off of Jerry Springer.

“Gabe?”  He turned to look at Sam with an interested look, as if the young Winchester was far more interesting than what was going on between his brothers.  It turned out Sam had been over thinking everything that happened during the yoga class.  That night Gabriel was back to his usual joking self and acted indifferent around him, much to his annoyance or relief.  He wasn’t quite sure what he felt and that confused him.

“Hmm?”  He leaned on one of the armrest lazily, waiting for Sam to speak.  He heard Lucifer growl something about a proctologist, but he was only half-paying attention.  This argument was almost redundant, there was no need to waste precious energy on something that was going to end with either Michael or Lucifer storming away, leaving the bickering unfinished.  Cas and Dean had opted out of breakfast in favour of “sleeping in”, which was just code for ‘we’re not dealing with your shit before it even reaches noon’.

“Is it too much to ask if we could have lunch alone?  Like without…” he trailed off, almost regretting speaking as soon as the words are out.  It was wrong; Gabe invited him here, he didn’t have a right to ask him to spend time away from his family.  Though with Gabe, he was never quite sure what he would get.

“Without Hatfield and McCoy?  Yeah, we can do that.”  He leaned back in his chair and tipped his head back to look up.  “Why don’t we just spend the day together?  I doubt that trip to the mall will happen, so we could just go to the beach again.”

“Will you actually go in the water this time?” Sam chuckled, looking more amused than Gabe would have liked.  Every time they went the beach, Gabe stayed on the sand “guarding” their things

“Not if I can avoid it.”  He refused to meet Sam’s eyes, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see the look he was receiving.  The couple of times Sam had asked the same question, he gave some bullshit excuse about swallowing too much seawater. 

“Gabe, you’ve said the same thing for the past three.  You’re just being dramatic.”  The older man pouted and Sam had an urge to reach out and stroke his cheek.  The scowl looked cute of the thirty-two-year-old man’s face.  While it should seem an act of immaturity on anyone else, with Gabe, it was adorable. 

“I am not being dramatic.  I am being—shut up, I am being practical,” he warned, though his tone was more defensive than irritated.  He was kind of embarrassed that Sam was laughing at him, even though he knew he wasn’t making fun of him.

“Mm-hmm,” he hummed and smiled.  The smile sent a shiver through Gabriel.  He didn’t want to make assumptions, but the look on the young man’s face was almost of affection or…adoration?

*****

“One day left,” Gabe sighed just as they sat down with their lunch.       

 

Much like yesterday, everyone was spread out today.  Castiel and Dean were at the beach or somewhere in that vicinity.  Lucifer was God knows where.  Michael went golfing or something.  Gabe had only been half paying attention when his brother told him of his plans.  He totally blamed it on the bar of chocolate he had been working on and _not_ the half-naked Sam Winchester getting out of the pool.  Yeah, he didn’t have a problem.

 

They all had made a promise to spend the last day together as much as possible.  Grudgingly on Lucifer’s part, who, like the past two days, just wanted to go clubbing and get drunk.

 

“Looking forward to going home?”  In preparation for this trip, Gabriel went on about usually having a good time.  He had the feeling that it was an exception.  In fact, he was getting the feeling that this trip was going oddly sour.

 

Gabriel grunted around a piece of chicken.  “I have to say, Dean and Cas are smart to avoid these trips.  I’m actually thinking of conveniently booking a convention next time.”  For the first time since the Novaks started the annual family trip, even Michael took more time for himself instead of dragging them all to day trips or classes.  It was odd and didn’t feel right to him.  
  
“Beaches aren’t really Dean's thing,” Sam commented as he picked up his glass of water.  “What would he and Cas do anyway?  I always asked when they got back and Dean always used the same sentence: just grateful to be home.”  
  
“I, uh, can’t really say.”  The younger man opened his mouth to protest, but Gabriel continued on.  “And not because I don't want to. To be honest, I spent most of those weeks clubbing; each trip’s kind of blurred into each other.  Used to be Lucifer’s wingman. We use to do this thing...”  He chuckled at the memory before realizing that the story wasn't exactly PG.  Sam probably didn’t want to hear the gory details.

 

“Don’t stop on my account.”  Sam’s tone was teasing.  “I bet what you have to say is nothing compared to the details Dean has shared with me.”  He scrunched his nose at a particular memory where Dean attempted to go into graphic details about one time with Lisa Braeden.

 

With Lisa or any of Dean's brief ‘girlfriends’, he made a habit of over sharing personal moments, much to Sam’s protest.  It wasn't until Cas, when Dean kept things a little more private. Of course there were the occasionally moments where he was looking to brag.

 

 “That’d be something to test, but not right now.  I’d like you to keep your lunch down.”  Gabe laughed loudly, gaining the attention of the couple next to him. The woman scowled and rolled her eyes, not like he really cared, something else of interest caught his eye.  “Hey, speak of the devil, and I don’t mean Lucifer.”  He was looking over Sam’s shoulder, where Dean and Cas were just standing up from their seats, apparently from having just finished lunch.  
  
Sam turned around just in time to see Dean’s hand linger on Cas’ back before pulling away.  While they weren’t touching, they were damn near close.   
  
Gabe smiled as he watched the couple walk past them, oblivious to the fact that their brothers were watching them.  Those two could sure put on an act or maybe they actually weren't faking it.  They didn't know Gabriel and Sam were close by.  They didn't have to try to fool anyone.  As if they really were, let's be honest here.  It was still a sweet sight, but it was out of place.  
  
“Maybe couples therapy is helping,” Gabe joked, glancing back at Sam, who was smiling too.  “Finally got that honeymoon they never had.”  He turned to face Sam after Dean and Cas moved from view.  
  
“Cas has made an impact on Dean.  He's more comfortable with who he is now than back in high school. I still don't get why he refused to tell dad for so long or work-” Sam pursed his lips. Maybe he had it all wrong.  If Dean was so confident with who he was, why would he make Cas feel like a dirty secret?  
  
“I remember back when he insisted he was straight," Gabe continued, seeing the mental battle the younger Winchester was having, he decided to help out. "Freaked out when I implied something between Cassie and him.”  He chuckled to himself as the memory played in his head. “It was undeniable back then, but I never thought we'd be here all these years later.”  
  
The younger man smirked and forked at his salad.  “He insisted so hard that they were just friends.  I don't know what happened, but I’m glad they got together, even if I was sworn to secrecy to my dad.”  He didn't mean to say that.  His mouth opened before promptly closing, as of trying to will the words back.  It wasn't like that was a secret, but it was another can of worms.  
  
“So your dad doesn’t know about Cas and Dean?”  
  
“No, he knows.  He didn’t for a long time.  It wasn’t until his release that Dean finally told him.  Figured it was best to hear it from himself than Jo or Bobby.” 

 

It had been exhausting having to lie to his father.  It hadn’t been like his brother's relationship had been the centre of every conversation, but John had asked often and it had started getting old using the same story.  Their dad wasn't an idiot.  He was almost certain he had figured it out, but had been waiting for the right moment to reveal it.  
  
Gabriel couldn’t believe that John Winchester finally knew.  It was one of the things Castiel would rant to him almost weekly.  Cas never understood why they had to be such a secret.  This was big, and Gabe was actually shocked his brother kept this from him.  “Y-you’re kidding.”  Sam shrugged and shook his head.  “He actually told him?  Cas never told...me....”  Maybe this really wasn’t his business.  
  
“I’m serious.”  And Sam’s face didn’t show any sign of humour.  “He did.  Kind of forced him.  Wasn’t pleased with me for a week after, but I actually think it was good for them—for Dean and Dad,” he amended.  He honestly didn’t think it helped his brother’s marriage.  They were too far down the rabbit hole.  

 

Gabe hummed.  This was actually interesting.  He knew bits and pieces about Dean’s relationship with his dad from Cas, but he never realized there was a whole mountain of shit Dean was dealing with on his own side. 

 

“It’s just...” Sam paused, fiddling the knife on the table, “I know Dean held off on telling Dad about Cas and him.  I mean, I get why he did it at the time, but Dad really has changed.  Dean was the one who helped me come out to him.”

 

Gabe was almost certain that his eyebrow went up to his hairline, but he tried to keep his features natural.  He wasn’t sure if that was information Sam meant to share, but the young Winchester continued on as if he didn’t just reveal such a secret.

 

“I guess I feel guilty that Dad took my news so well when he all but made Dean feel ashamed.  Maybe I was wrong in pushing Dean to talk with Dad so early.  Thinking about it now, I might have just been trying to make amends.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Gabriel found himself saying, stopping his hand from reaching out and grabbing Sam’s, which was still playing with the handles of the utensils.

“No, but Dean did deserve better.  He practically raised me.  He did so much for me.  John gave him shit when he announced he wanted to be a cop.  Was so proud when I got into Law school.  Didn’t really care when Dean was hired by the NYPD.  Told me how much I was making mom proud when I told him about my job offer.”  Sam took a moment to swallow, looking down at his hands before making eye contact with Gabriel.  He didn’t know why, but he felt a strong pull to tell the man the truth.  He needed to show that Dean wasn’t the bad guy in all of this.  It was just a fucked up situation the spiralled out of control and now they were all stuck trying to untangle the mess.  “Dean drove me to out Dad they day I told him.”

 

While the admission was hug, and Gabe felt a little guilty for several of his opinions about Dean, there was still that fact that Cas was his brother, and he was still his first priority.  That doesn’t mean that he looked at Dean a little differently.  While Gabe would do what he could to protect Cas, what he’s down for his family wasn’t close to what Dean did.

 

The was a heavy silence that fell over them.  Neither knew what to say.  Sam seemed to be finished his soul cleansing speech, and Gabe was trying to find the right words to say.

  
“So you’re gay?” he blurts out before he can stop himself.  There was another beat of silences, and Gabe prepared himself for the reprimanding.  Instead, a low chuckle fell from Sam’s lips.

 

“Really?  That’s what got your attention?”  Gabe shrugged and smirked, felling the tension roll from his shoulders.    “Not that it really matters, but I’m bi. 

 

The thought that Sam was into men shouldn't have made Gabriel as happy as he felt.  It felt like he was violating Sam’s trust.  It also wasn’t like he grew feelings for his friend two months ago and was battling with himself over acting on those emotions. No, not at all. It wasn’t like he was going to grow the spine he needed to ask the man out.  Hell, he probably wasn’t even Sam’s type.  He had probably been friend zoned the moment they ran into each other at that restaurant nearly four months ago.  At thirty-two, fooling around and one-night stands weren’t as appealing as they had been in the past. There was also the main problem, and its name was Sam Winchester.

 

*****

It was just going onto seven that night.  Gabriel was in his room, staring up at the ceiling, bored.  Once he and Sam had finished their lunch they went for a walk around the resort before Sam decided to head back to his room, citing something about needing to email, Spencer, was it?  He didn’t really remember, all he knew was that he was alone and bored.

He caught up with Lucifer around five, who was planning on going clubbing one last time before they were stuck packing.  He offered an invite to Gabe, but much like the revelation the younger Novak had, he didn’t feel the need to join his brother in hopes of finding some random hook-up.  His current desire was three doors down.

He heard a door open and close in the room next to him—Cas and Dean’s room.  They must have just gotten in for the night, since he hasn’t heard any movement from that room until now.  They were silent.  Usually, when they fought, Gabriel could hear it, or at least hear their voices raised.  The day must have gone good for them or he would have heard it otherwise.  

Not distracted on his brother and brother-in-law, he let his mind wander to Lucifer and then to Sam.  His older brother had left the hotel only twenty minutes ago and suddenly the idea of what Sam would be like with a bit of alcohol in him filled Gabe’s mind.  Dean always called Sam was the ‘wet blanket’ when it came parties, teasing his brother about how he’d rather stay in, reading a book instead of partying.  It was an interesting thought, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to drag Sam to a club; maybe start off with a couple of drinks.

Without a second thought, almost like Gabe’s mind knew where this was heading before the man himself did, he sat up on his bed and slid off.  He quickly picked up his flip-flops and headed for Sam’s room.

He stood outside the door for a moment, debating if he should bother Sam or not.  Maybe he was finishing work; it was vacation, but maybe he was one of those people who couldn’t separate fun with work.  No, that was Michael.  But, they did spend most of today together, would he really want to go out for drinks?  Instead of psyching himself out, he knocked before he could question himself further.

The sharp knock pulled Sam’s attention from his laptop to the door.  He was tempted to call out to the person outside, but it may have been Lucifer and in that case, he didn’t want him to know he was in the room.  He already tried two times to convince him to go clubbing, which wasn’t really Sam’s scene, at least not with someone he wasn’t all that familiar with.  Lucifer may be Cas’ brother—Dean’s brother-in-law, but that didn’t mean he spent a lot of time with the guy.

He got up from the desk chair and padded over to the door, peaking through the peephole to see Gabriel standing outside.  _Thank God._

Gabriel was leaning against the door frame when the door opened; revealing Sam barefoot in a pair of khaki shorts and a white short-sleeved button up.  He looked so casual.

“Hey.”  He smiles up at the freakishly large man, since there was close to a ten inch height difference.  “You busy?”

Sam raised an eyebrow and smirked.  He knew Gabe wanted something, but like always, he was going to beat around the bush instead of asking. 

“Not really.”  He shrugged and tilted his head back to his room.  “Just catching up on my emails; nothing important.  What can I do for you?”

Gabe stared at Sam for a second before straightening up.  “Want to go out and do something?  Last night of partying before having to pack tomorrow?”

The idea was tempting, if it was just a couple of drinks.  He wasn’t in the mood for clubbing, but a couple of beers with Gabe would be a nice way to end the night.

“Sure.  The pool bar?”  He decided to make the offer before Gabe could suggest a club, not that Gabe was going to, but he was just being safe.

“Great!”  He beamed and waited as Sam grabbed his sandals.  They walked side-by-side. Staying silent for a moment before Sam grunted.

He stretched and then scratched the back of his neck.  “Damn mosquitoes.”  He had two bites bubbling at the base of his neck.  He knew he should have put bug repellent on, stupidly forgot.

Gabe smirked and chuckled.  The young lawyer’s face was scrunched up in irritation.  He had a few bites himself, on his legs and wrist.  They were bloody uncomfortable, but he scratched them to a point where they didn’t itch so much.

“They’re silent little bastards.  Aren’t they?”  Sam grunted in agreement and reluctantly pulled his hand away.  “I have bug spray if you want to use it,” he offered, though he hadn’t showed the same generosity to Michael earlier when he had complained.  Michael was thirty-six.  If he hadn’t been smart enough to figure out that he should have bought his own spray then that was his damn problem.

“That would be great.  Thanks.”  He gave Gabriel a wide smile, which took all of Gabe’s willpower to not blush and look away. 

God, he was thirty-two and this twenty-five-year-old man was resorting him back to his sixteen-year-old virgin self.  He needed to get control over himself.

The rest of the short walk to the bar was spent in small talk.  They walked up to the counter and each took a seat.  Gabe ordered a Dirty Monkey (basically a banana chocolate milkshake with rum in it) for him and a beer for Sam.

“Gotta keep up, kiddo,” Gabe teased, as he finished his second drink while Sam was still on his first one.  “I thought you promised me a good time.  Can’t see that happening if you’re a lush.”

Sam rolled his eyes and tossed back the rest of his beer.  “I’m more than half a foot taller; I’m pretty sure I could drink you under the table.”  He ordered a second beet, mainly because those fancy drinks didn’t interest him.  He enjoyed the basic.

Gabe smirked and cocked an eyebrow.  “Is that a challenge, Mr. Winchester?”  He raised his glass in a ‘toast’ gesture before finishing half of it in one go.  He knew he’d need to slow down if he didn’t want to end up hammered and pull a Bradly Cooper in ‘The Hangover’ and end up somewhere on the other side of the island or worse, the flamingo lagoon.  Sam wouldn’t let that happen.  Would he?

Sam laughed and shook his head.  “You're an idiot.”  The tone was light and teasing though.

“So I've been told.  At least once a day by my family.”  His used a deadpan tone, but returned the smile.

There was a comfortable silence for a few minutes.  They were each on their fourth drink when Gabriel broke the silence.  It was inching onto to nine, and much like every other night, the resort was still hopping with activity.

They were so comfortable around each other that Gabe almost forgot that at the start of this week they were slightly awkward around each other.  They never spent much time together when the Novaks got together for the holidays.  He wouldn’t mind dragging Sam to another one, if Sam was willing to come.

“So, is it wrong to be shocked that neither Michael nor Lucifer is dead?  I half expected one of them to strangle the other.  Especially since Michael has practically glued himself to Luci’s hip the past two days.”  Since he refused to spend more time than necessary with his brothers, and Cas and Dean following suit, Michael nearly never left Lucifer alone, which lead to some pretty heated arguments.

“I kind of expected the same thing.”  One thing that Sam enjoyed about Gabe, was that he didn’t care if Sam spoke his mind.  Hell, he welcomed it.  It showed the kid had brains and his own spine—that he didn’t tip-toe around everyone.

The older man hummed and let a wishful smile cross his face.  “Well, looks like I don't need to take matters into my own hands. Sorry kiddo. You're gonna need to practice defending someone else,” remembering from the joke he used at the airport eight days ago.

Sam sipped his beer again.  He felt a little different.  He wasn’t drunk, but he felt like the tension in his shoulders was gone—Dominican beer is _strong._ He let out a slightly flirty tone.  “Shame.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but an idea came to Gabe’s mind.  “Hey,” he said a little too cheery, “since we are like technically family, do I get like a family discount?

Sam laughed as he took another pull from his beer.  “Pretty sure that would be conflict of interest, plus, I don't think my boss would be happy about that.”

“Newbie.”  He let out another chuckle—maybe he was getting a bit tipsy.  He was laughing too much, something he did when he was flirting or drunk.  Since it was Sam, he wasn’t sure which one it was.  “Always go by the book and then one day you're drinking coffee from the waiting room's machine and then you’re doing your own damn thing.

Sam could almost picture Gabe doing his residence, being the fucking angel he was and then becoming the defiant little shit he could also be.

“I wanted to be a doctor at one point,” he admitted—didn’t know why he was, but Gabe seemed interested no, so he may as well continue.  “When I was seventeen.  I thought being a doctor would be cool; get to help people.  Then I saw what the job entails and basically said ‘screw it’. 

Gabe could almost picture a teenage Sam looking up job ideas before his senior year.  He then could almost see the boy saying the words “fuck this”.  Was that a bad thing?   “And yet you decided on being a lawyer?  Have to say, not that much of a difference, Sammy.”

“Less terms to remember, but I guess you’re right.”  He leaned forward so his arms were rested on the table in front of him. 

“I wanted to be a game show host—create my own shows,” Gabe blurted out.  It was the slowly building buzz that removed his verbal filter.  It had just been an idea when he was in his first couple of years of university.  “I think it was more of an excuse to put my pranks to use.”  Michael had put an end to that dream, also, he preferred his victims to be that of his family instead.  It was more enjoyable to see Michael lose his cool.

“When was that?”  Sam reached over and took a shot of tequila.  At this point, Gabe had trade his drink for a couple of shots.  The chocolate wasn’t doing it for him anymore.

Gabe shrugged and tossed back a shot.  “Just starting university.  But I did toss around the idea for a few years after that.  I was going to try a few on Dean, but he threatened to arrested and charge me with assaulting an officer.  That wasn’t even a shock to my family.  Lucifer nearly died when I told him I wanted to work in paediatrics.  When I announced I was going to med school, he thought I meant as in plastic surgery.”

Sam took another shot.  He was feeling a little fuzzy, but he still had a long way to go before he was considered drunk.  “You’re great with kids.”  His tone had an admiring air to it.  “Why would he think that?”

The older man gave a hesitant chuckled and smiled awkwardly.  He ordered another round of shots when Sam ordered another beer.  Jesus, the kid was simple.  “Thanks, but I have a bit of a… History, let’s just say.”

“With what?”  Sam took his new beer, but just placed it on the table.

“Relationships,” he replied simply.  “If you could call them that.  I was a bit superficial back then.”

“Back then?” Sam teased, and took one of Gabe’s shots in favour of his beer. 

“Hey!”  He playfully pushed at his friend’s shoulder.  “I’ll let you know, I haven't been with anyone since moving back from Chicago.”

“Really?”  That was interesting.  From what he heard from Dean, Gabe was a “manwhore” who could rival his brother’s old reputation.  “Why?”

What was the real reason?  “Timing, I guess.” He shrugged and took his second last shot.  Did he really finish three shots already?  “I've been in New York for a year.  Still kind of getting used to everything.”  That was partly true, up until two months ago.

Sam rolled his shoulders, muscles flexing in his arms and back beneath his bronzed skin.  He didn’t notice Gabe’s gaze on him.  “Huh. Well, I'm sure you'll meet the right person soon enough.”

‘Doubt it’, he wanted to say, but instead chose to take that moment to finish his last shot. “Rum?”  He offered as he waved the bartender over.

“Gabriel-” Sam smirked, but nodded when the man behind the counter asked if he wanted the same “-If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to get drunk.”  It was clear that the shorter man was closer to being drunk than he was. 

“What’s the matter, kiddo?  Can’t keep up with the big boys?”  He quickly tossed his shot of rum back.  It was surprisingly good on its own.

Sam copied and knocked his back.  He's pleasantly buzzed, but not shitfaced.  He’s obviously not as gone as Gabriel.  “Mm. What's this stuff called?”  He looked at the glass, trying to remember the name.  “Brugal? It's great.”

“Not bad,” he agreed and tossed back another one.  He head was buzzing now.  He was sure he was on the road to being smashed.  _Very close._

They were just talking about random shit now.  They’ve been at the bar for over two hours, not like either of them notice. 

“You’re eyes remind me of honey,” he blurted out before he realized what he was saying.  “They’re warm and shine in the light.”  He’s leaning towards Gabriel, but not enough for them to touch.

Gabriel giggled; he wasn’t a light weight, but he hadn’t exactly kept track of the number of shots.  He was sure he was still in the single digits. 

“It’s like they’re actually made from honey,” he mumbled, only low enough for Gabriel to hear.

“Does that even make sense?”  Gabe leaned in closer to Sam, very aware that they were close enough that their knees bumped together. 

Sam hazel eyes were burning into his.  They were searching for something, but Gabe wasn’t sure what.

“Don't know,” he whispered.

Gabriel let out a low laugh.  “I thought you weren't an easy drunk.”

“I'm not.”  He pouted.  “I’ve had about eight shots, Gabe.”  Not including the four beers.

“Mm-hmm” He pressed his chest against Sam's shoulder so it looked like he is whispering something in his ear.  “You're laugh is adorable.”  He'll blame that comment on the alcohol in the morning.

“You're adorable.”  Sam took a sharp inhale.

“You look like a baby puppy.”  That didn't even make sense, but Gabe was past the point of awareness.

“Is that possible?” Sam’s brows furrowed.

“Don't know.”  Gabe shrugged and moved a little closer to Sam.  The taller man didn’t shift back, instead, he leaned towards Gabe.  “You smell like sea water,” he added once he was about two inches from Sam’s face, close enough to feel the younger man’s breath tickle his face.

Sam’s words were slightly slurred this time.  He also stumbled over them at first.  “Damn. Meant to take a shower...”

“Hmm.”  His hand brushed against Sam’s fingers”

“What're you doing...?”  His breath was becoming laboured.

Gabriel took that moment to finally close the distance between Sam and him.  Again, had he not been drunk, he never would have acted on his conscious and been aware of Sam's question.  Sam's lips were soft and wet from the shot he just took.  He stilled, waiting for the younger man to react.

Sam’s mouth opened slightly as he let out a shaky breath.  “Gabriel...?”

Gabe inhaled deeply.  His eyes never left Sam’s.  There was no hint of rejection even when he began to lean forward again.  His lips meet Sam’s again and this time the younger man responded, moving along with him.

Sam could taste the rum and chocolate against Gabe’s lips.  The kiss was soft, but quickly building from the alcohol and the burning need each man was harbouring.

Gabe groaned into the kiss.  He was almost in Sam’s lap, cupping his face with his fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of his neck. His other hand dragged from Sam's neck to the collar of his shirt. God, this shouldn't feel this good.

Sam broke the kiss for a second, panting out a needy “Gabe.”  He wasn’t sure if this was right, but damn, it felt good, and Gabriel seemed to like it, so he wasn’t about to stop it.

The kiss carried on for what seemed like minutes, but was really only seconds.  Gabe pulled away, gasping hard.  “My room?”  It was all he got out before Sam nodded and dragged him from the bar and back to their room.

As soon as they got to Gabe's room, they had a brief struggle when Gabe couldn't get his key card out because he was too busy attacking Sam's mouth.

“Sam” Gabe groaned when he finally got to door open and they stumbled into the room.

*****

“Dean, it’s one more day.  Please, let it go.”  Cas stood off to the side of their bed, watching Dean pace the length of their room.  “It’s Michael; what do you expect?”

Dean scoffed and turned to face Cas.  His face was pulled into a frown.  Really, Cas was right.  It _was_ Michael.  It wasn’t anything new, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to be verbally attacked.

“I expect to be treated at least with some respect, Cas.  I’ve known the douche for over ten years, and every thing I do is still not good enough.  I don’t make enough in his eyes, my upbringing isn’t good enough, my family isn’t good enough, and my interests aren’t good enough.”  He gritted his teeth at the memory of when Michael criticized him for playing classic rock at his birthday.  Like that shitty spa music his brother-in-law was into could beat a single song in his tape collection. 

Castiel sighed; he just wished Dean wouldn’t let his family get to him.  Usually he was good at ignoring them, but there were time where Michael or Lucifer said the wrong thing at the wrong time and would set his husband off. 

“I know, Dean.  I’ll talk to him if you want, but…”  He trailed off when he saw the overdramatic eye roll Dean did.  He wasn’t listening to his words.  Outside in the hall a door slammed shut, but neither man paid any attention to it—there were always doors opening and closing.

“It’s frustrating.  We make the same, Cas, but for some reason that’s unacceptable for me.  I’m happy where I am.  Sure, it’d be nice to move up at some point, but-”

“I never said anything,” Cas cut in.  “I never pressured you to look for a promotion or to move to a different department.  I have always supported you when you—why doesn’t my opinion matter?”  The change at the end was to avoid mentioning Dean’s unsuccessful attempt in moving to undercover.  He never supported the decision, but he never vocalized his true opinion.  Instead, he _did_ support Dean, but when he was rejected, he felt so guilty that he was glad Dean hadn’t been chosen. 

“And then there’s the worst thought: I’m not good enough for you.  I know Michael thinks it—he’s said it.  Lucifer, I think he agrees, but he’s not enough of a dick to voice it.  And you know what, Cas?”  There was hurt and anger in Dean’s voice.  It was shocking to Cas that this was affecting Dean so much.  Dean only ever mentioned not feeling good enough for him a few times before and shortly after they married.  Hearing these old words being brought up was so strange.  Either he had let this build up or something was going on with him and Cas, wasn’t in on the secret.  “I can handle people attacking my upbringing.  Dad didn’t exactly make it one to be proud of.  But hearing that I’m not good enough for you, well, that just reminds what I have been told along.  What my…”  He trails off when he realized what he was about to say.

Cas wasn’t stupid, he was pretty sure he knew what Dean had been about to say, but he wanted to hear him say it.  Before he got the chance to ask, a loud bang from next door—Gabriel’s room rang around them.

“Fuck,” they heard the man groan loudly, well, it was loud enough to be hear through the walls.  There was another voice that spoke, but this one was much quitter and muffled.

“Oh, for fuck-”  There was another loud bang coupled with a whine.  “Who the fuck does he have in there?” Dean growled; their original conversation was over.

Cas shrugged.  “Knowing Gabe, it could be anyone.”  He couldn’t care less what his brother was doing; he wanted to finish his talk with Dean.  He had questions burning in his mind.  Did Dean feel worthless?  Was that was bothering him?

Dean shook his head and stormed towards this door, ignoring Cas outreached hand trying to stop him.  “Fuck this; I’m not listening to this.”  He was out the door in a second, slamming it shut behind him.

It was only seconds later that Gabriel let out a cry that could have had fire burning in Dean’s veins. “Fuck, Sam,” the Novak’s voice cut easily through the wall.

Cas covers his mouth with his hand. He was pretty sure he looked like a deer in headlights, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.  Was Sam Winchester in there?  Hey, those noises meant nothing.  Maybe they were just playing checkers.  Aw… Who the fuck was he kidding?  His brother was screwing Dean’s baby brother in the next room!

******

Gabe growled deep in his throat.  “Ugh, Sammy.  Fuck, kiddo.”  Sam's grip tightened on his hips and he groaned again.  He involuntarily rubbed against Sam's thigh. He quickly pushed the button through the holes of Sam’s shirt, revealing his defined torso.  He was eager to just pull the shirt apart, but he was sure Sam wouldn’t appreciate that.

Sam was slightly breathless.  He shrugged out of his shirt once it fell open.  Gabe took a moment to let his eyes take in the beauty that was Sam Winchester. The young man flushed under the attention.  Technically, he wasn’t as virgin by any means, but he wasn’t used to the admiration show clearly in Gabe’s gaze.

“I-I-I,” he stuttered dumbly and mentally slapped himself.  Real sexy there, Winchester.

Gabe doesn’t seem to care.  He stepped forward and began to press kisses along Sam’s collarbone and down his chest.  He pauses at the black tattoo on the left side of his chest—the same place as Dean’s he realized a few days ago. He ran his tongue over the ink, smirking when he felt Sam shiver against him.

“Fuck, G-Gabe.” Sam tipped his head back in pleasure. 

The older man was nipping lightly at his skin, moving up his neck, though it was a bit of a stretch.  He’s suddenly feeling like he was falling back, but it doesn’t last long when his back hit the soft mattress of the bed.

“We're-we're...what if someone finds out...?” he fights to get out when Gabriel kissed at his jaw and up to his mouth.  Now that they were lying down it wasn’t much of a struggle.

“Who’s here to find out, Sammy?”  He's pretty sure Cas and Dean were in their room, but they would be quite enough.  And it was partly because of the alcohol and pleasure fuelling him, but all he cared about was the man beneath him.

Sam let out a moan when Gabe’s hand pulled at the waist of his shirts.  He pushed the button through the hole and pulled the zipper down.

“You ready, kiddo?” he teased.  He circled his hips against Sam’s, moaning when his cock brushed against Sam’s

The younger man bucked against Gabe and groaned when Gabe repeated the action.  His large hands rested on Gabriel’s hip, gripping firmly, but not tightly.

Gabriel let out a breathy chuckle that broke off into a gasp.  “Y-you like that?” He pulled off his t-shirt, letting it, letting it drop to the floor behind him.

“M-more, Gabe.  Fuck, feels so good.”  He throws his head back, revealing his neck, which Gabriel wasted no time attacking again.  He kissed a trail down to Sam’s hips, just about the waistband of his boxers.  The harden length of the man’s cock was pressed against the thin material, begging for attention.

Gabe pulled at the fabric, bringing it down Sam’s legs and dropped to the floor.  He inhaled sharply at the sight of finally seeing Sam, exposed and laid out beneath him.  He'd be lying if he said the thought hadn't invaded is mine once or twice in the past couple of months.  He needed to take a moment to appreciate the sight.  When he finally let his gaze find Sam’s, he was turned on to see not a hint of shyness reflected back at him.  Sam was gasping and flushed, but not from embarrassment.  He assumed it was from the eight shots of rum and tequila he had earlier.

He wrapped his hand around Sam and began a slow, teasing pace.  He wanted to do more, but he also wanted to savour the moment.  He created a teasing pace, moving his hand up and down as slow as he could.

Sam’s mouth was open, panting, and gasping quietly.  “G-Gabe.”  His toes curled when Gabe swept his thumb over his tip, smearing the beads of pre-come pearling at the slit. 

“Mm-hmm.”  He lifted his left hand to stroke Sam’s hair.  His movements are still slow and teasing. 

“M-more.  Please, Gabe.”  Gabriel smirked and pulled his hand away, pulling a whine from Sam. 

He crawled back; bring his mouth over the head of Sam’s dick.  His warm breath tickled over the heated flesh. 

“This is so wrong,” Sam whispered looking down to lock eyes with Gabriel’s golden coloured ones.

“And yet so right,” he teased before taking Sam into his mouth in one go.

Sam let out a loud curse, fisting the duvet hard.  “Fuck!”  He slowly moved his left hand from the bed and used it to grab a fistful of Gabe's hair.

Gabriel hummed around Sam, sending a sense of vibrations up Sam's spine.  He was moaning his name, quite loudly too, but Gabe was too into it to care.  He ran his tongue along the length, pulling it up and swirled it around the head, pressing it against his slit.

He could feel Sam shaking with pleasure.  He was moaning and gasping, sighing pleas to Gabe, encouraging him. 

Gabe's mouth is so wet and warm-this is easily the best blowjob he's ever gotten. When Gabe pressed his lips together he almost lost it right then and there. He's dissolved into whines and groans, grunts and moans.  He’s only had a few experiences with men, but Gabe was easily leaving them behind in the dust.

Gabriel bobbed his head eagerly, letting Sam's spur him on. The kid was falling apart so easily and it was a great feeling knowing he was the reason. When he felt Sam twitch he pulled off. 

Sam let out a cry of protest, which put a wicked grin on Gabriel’s face.

“Someone’s eager.”  He brushed his fingers over Sam’s entrance, a warning of what he was planning next.  He ran his lips over Sam’s jaw.  “He knows what he wants.”  Sam tried to ground his hips down against Gabe’s fingers, but the man pulled away with a cheeky grin.

He moved off the bed to his bag.  He hadn't planned on this happening tonight. If he had, he would have been better prepared.  He returned with the bottle of lube and quickly slicked up his fingers.

“Ready?”  He waited for Sam to nod—the boy was too blissed out to form the words.  He pressed one digit to Sam's hole before pushing in carefully.

“O-oh, fuck...”  Sam tipped his head back and ached into the touch.  It felt slightly uncomfortable, but it felt good too.

A low chuckle rumbled in Gabriel’s chest.  His breath tickled over Sam's neck as he spoke.  “You like that, Sammy?  Feels good?”

There was a long pause before Sam could come up with a verbal response besides moaning.  “Yes. God, yes...keep going, Gabe...”

Gabe moved his in and out, quickening his pace with each thrust.  Sam let out a cry of surprised, followed by a “Jesus, Gabe!”

The kid was so responsive.  Each time Sam cried out his name it sent a shiver through him and an eager response from his cock.

“That's it, kiddo.”  He pumped his finger a couple more times before slowly adding a second.

Sam gasped in surprise and pain. It was a new feeling with the added finger, there was a slight burn, but it was pleasurable as well, especially because Gabe knew what he was doing.

“So good, Sam,” the older man praised.  He brushed his hand though Sam’s hair and pressed a deep kiss to his lips, which Sam eagerly returned.

“D-don't call me k-kiddo,” he gasped after breaking the kiss.  He didn’t mind the nickname during conversations, but during sex, it was odd.  He wasn’t a kid—he was twenty-five, but it reminded him of the difference in age.  Not like seven years was a lot, but… Still.

“Why not?”  Gabe cheekily smirked as he purposely brushed over Sam's prostate, enjoying the reaction he gets.

The younger Winchester groaned loudly, feeling a pull low in his stomach.  “I-if you're going to f-fuck me, then don't call me k-kiddo.

Gabe kissed his chin, mumbling, “fair enough.”  He slowly added a third finger but paused when he felt Sam tense up.  Sam began rocking against his hand.  He whined when Gabe brushed against his prostate every couple of thrusts.

Gabe’s cock was straining against his shorts.  He was so turned on by Sam now.  He wanted to bury himself in Sam; feel him around him.  Really?  Was this right?  Had he been sober, he never would have acted on his desires, but that’s what alcohol always did to him, it made him impetuous.

Sam was starting to feel the pull in his groin.  It was going to end too quickly if they didn’t stop, and he wanted Gabe in him—fucking him when he came. 

“G-Gabe.”  He reached to grab Gabe’s arm, stopping his thrusts.  “I’m ready.”  His voice was raspy and breathless.  “Fuck me.  Please.”

Fuck.  If that wasn't the hottest thing Gabe has ever heard.  It was also the only encouragement he needed.  He pulled his hand away and moved off the bed toward his bag.

“Please,” Sam said, sitting up on his elbows once he realized what Gabe was doing

He stopped only two steps away from the bed.  He looked at Sam. He was flushed and not just because of the heat. His hair was a mess too and he wanted nothing more than to go back to the bed and fuck the man.  He was clean too, but did Sam really mean it?  “Are you sure?”  He pulled his shorts and briefs down as quickly as he could without falling over. This was it and he couldn't find it in him to change his mind.0

Sam nodded and smirked.  “I promise,” he whispered in a breathy tone.  “I want this.”  This probably wasn’t the best decision, but he had wanted this for and wanted to feel Gabe in him.

He crawled back on the bed, straddling Sam’s hips.  “I trust you. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with that.”  Jesus fucking Christ, he hoped he was.

He nodded and pulled Gabe forward.  “I’m okay with it.  Now fuck me, Dr. Novak.”  Their lips pressed together, Sam leading a very aggressive, eager kiss. 

Gabe pulled away with a growl and tore open the condom, rolling it on.  He grabbed the bottle of lube again to slick himself up.  He used a bit more than he usually would, more for Sam’s sake.  He didn’t want him to hurt, even though he’s sure he won’t.  He settled himself between Sam's legs. They shared another deep, reassuring kiss before he pushed in. 

The feeling was tight and warm, and fucking great.  Gabe gasped just as Sam groaned out a “fuck.”

“Shit, Sam. Fuck. You're tight.”  He may have been just a little too loud, but he didn't care right now.

Sam grits out as coyly as he can manage, “n-never been fucked before.”  The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, but any of the toys he used before didn’t compare to the real thing.

“I know.”  The chuckle he lets out it is chocked of at the end since Sam decided at that moment to start rocking his hips.

Sam wrapped his legs around Gabe's waist, moaning. Having the older man fill him felt surprisingly good.  Now he wanted to take it further.  The burn was gone and in place was just pleasure and the desire for more—he needed Gabe to move.

Gabe pulled back slowly before thrusting back in.  He was testing the pace, slowly increasing the speed with each thrust.  Sam let out little groans and grunts each time Gabe moved within him.  It was such a new sensation and fuck, was it one of the best feelings he ever experienced.

“Fu-fuck!  Harder, Gabe.  Harder.”  Despite the harsh rhythm, the young man could sense Gabe was still holding back.  He pushed up slightly, bringing his lips to brush Gabriel’s ear.  “I can take it.”

Gabriel thrust faltered for a moment. He wasn't expecting Sam to beg for _that._   And God, if that breathy tone didn’t cause him to nearly lose it, he’d be lying.  He pulled back again before shoving back in, _harder_ than before. 

Sam cried out as Gabe hit his prostate.  His eye clenched such as he threw his head back in pleasure.  “D-Don’t stop,” he begged as the man repeated the action two more time, pushing him dangerously close to the edge.

“Oh, fuck.”  Gabe buried his face into Sam’s neck, while his one hand gripped his lover's hip and the other pulled hard on the bed sheets.

Sam let out a long, loud moan.  “Gabriel!”

The older man was panting hard and heavily now.  His thrusts were hard and fast, pulling more moans from Sam.

“G-God, I'm gonna come. Jesus, Gabriel!”  The familiar pull in the pit of his stomach was coming to life.  His hands gripped and scrapped at Gabriel’s shoulder blades, undoubtedly leaving red marks in their wake.

Gabriel moved his hand to wrap it around Sam’s length.  He moved in time with his thrusts.  He knows he’s close too, but he’s not giving in until Sam does.  “Let go, Sammy.  Come for me.”

The man beneath him let out a series if moans.  He won't last much longer.  “Shit, Gabe!”  He  came loudly and messily over his stomach and Gabe’s hand

“That's it, Sam-my.  Fuck.”  He gasped in awe.  Hearing his name on Sam's lips as he cried out in ecstasy was indescribable—drunk or not.  “Sam,” he moaned as he followed Sam, giving into his own release.

 Gabe shook for a moment before falling forward, unable to stop himself.  Sam caught him, letting him rest against his chest.  Their bodies were slick with sweat against each other.

Gabe’s head was buzzing in a rush, like from having a headache and moving around too much, but it didn't affect the blissful, happy feeling he was having as he tried to catch his breath.

“Fuck…” Sam swallowed hard.  He slipped his arm around Gabriel’s back as the moved to curl against his side.  He swallowed before gasping for breath.  “That was...”

Gabriel let out a long sigh.  “Yeah.”

0Sam was slowly coming down from his high.  “Jesus, Gabe.”

“I know-” he grinned “-I'm that good.”

Sam rolled his eyes and smirked.  “Not what I meant.” 

“But you don’t deny it.”  Gabriel smiled widely when Sam didn’t respond.  “Come on; let's get cleaned.  We have a busy day tomorrow.”

Gabe stood and tied off the condom, dropping it into the waste bin on his way to the bathroom.  He came back with a warm cloth and cleaned Sam and him up.  He dropped it the floor before turning to Sam.

“S-should I go back to my room?”  He felt stupid for asking, but he wasn’t sure if Gabe would feel comfortable with him sleeping in the same room.  Was that normal worrying about that after they _just_ slept together?

“Yeah.  That’s probably a good idea.”  Gabe nodded and sat up so his back was pressed against the headboard.  “Probably should have that shower you wanted.”

Sam wasn’t sure if the feeling settling in the pit of his stomach was rejection or from the alcohol.  He told himself it was the latter, even though he wasn’t even drunk enough for the classic morning after.  He walked around his room, collecting his clothes in the dark.

Sam bent down to pick up his shorts, which are on Gabe’s side of the bed.  When he stood back up, their faces were just inches apart.  Sam's eyes were dark, but shining from the faint light.  Gabe took that moment to lean forward and kiss him.  It was slow and deep, but it didn't last long.  Almost as soon as it started, it ended.  “Good night, Sam.”

“Goodnight, Gabriel.”  The kiss sent a warm feeling though Sam, he goes in for one more, before pulling away.  He pulled his shirt on and slipped into his shoes, leaving the room.

Once he was alone in the shower, Gabe cursed.  “Fuck.”  The realization hit him.  Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was so fucking stupid.

He was in the shower for a lot longer than he would like to admit.  He got dressed in a t-shirt and clean pair of boxers.  The alcohol had more or less worn off by now.  He knew he should have something to drink like water, but he was too tired to bother.  The only thought he could think of was sleep and luckily for him, he was out the moment he slipped underneath the covers and his head hit the pillow.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so incredibly sorry for the how late this chapter is. The summer was crazy with work, and then school just started back. I also lost my beta and had to find a new one. I'm back though, and I promise I will see this story through. I've said before that I have this story all planned out, and I have not intention of abandoning it. 
> 
> Thank you for all being so patient. 
> 
> Any mistakes made here are my own. While I have found a new beta, this chapter has not been looked over yet. I just felt that you all have waited enough, so I decided to just update.

Cas threw the lid of Dean’s suitcase open, grabbing all ball of clothes and tossing them into the laundry bin on the floor next to him.  Once that was done he proceeded to grab the bag of items Dean had purchased at the resort and laid it on his pillow to be put away for later.

First day back from a vacation was always the worst.  The bags had to be unpacked and routines were started up again.  Work and responsibilities were top priority now. 

It was a dreary day in Manhattan.  The snow was still around, though sidewalks and roads were cleared, the sky was a dark grey, looking like it was going to storm again.  It set a sleepy mood through the apartment.  It also didn’t help that Cas and Dean didn’t get home until last night.

Unlike ten days ago, their flight had not been delayed and they had made it home just after six in the evening, and were asleep by seven.

The last day of vacation had been… Interesting.  No one argued—surprisingly—but things were tense, especially between Sam and Gabe.  While most may not have noticed it, since they were all together the whole day, Cas saw it. 

Sam tried on more than one occasion to make a joke or start a conversation with Gabriel, but the man would just respond with a tense laugh or ignore him in favour of beginning a conversation with Lucifer.  Cas tried to talk with his brother, but there really wasn’t anything to discuss.  He had heard that night, well, what was beginning between the two men before he left his room, and Gabe’s body language the next day gave it away too.

Considering Gabriel was still alive, he figured that Dean has yet to find out that it was Sam in Gabe’s room that night.  That was a thought he didn’t want to worry about until it was necessary. Right now, he just wanted to get settled back into his home before Dean retuned from work.  While he took an extra day off, Dean refused, claiming that it’d be too suspicious to start work again at the same time.  Cas wanted to agree, but he also knew it was just Dean being paranoid. 

It was only half after eleven, so he had a good six hours before Dean would be home—enough time to unpack, clean and do the laundry.

*****

It was around one when Castiel nearly finished everything.  He placed the laundry basket in the hall closet before heading back to the bedroom.  The suitcases were still on the bed, which were the last things that need to be put away.

He grabbed Dean’s first, zipping it closed before carrying it over to the closet.  There was system to storing their things.  They only had three closets in the entire apartment; things had a certain place in order to fit.  Dean’s went on the top shelf of the bedroom closet, while his was shoved under the bed with the Christmas decorations and a random box of Dean’s things.

Dean’s bag went back in its spot without a struggle.  He grabbed his bag and kneeled down next to the bed.  He had to move a box in order to fit the large suitcase in.  It was a big of a struggle since the one box was caught on the smaller suitcase that went in the bigger one.  He just slid the bag against the wall when something caught his eye.  It was an orange folder resting against Dean’s nightstand.  It looked like it a fell off and slid between the small table and bed.

He crawled out from under the bed, grabbing the folder.  A couple of papers came loose, falling to the floor just as he stood.

“Ugh. Damn it.”  He bent at the waist, reaching for the papers.  “Dean, of course you,” he muttered something unintelligently, though it wasn’t really Dean’s fault.

He was just about to slip the papers back in, but the heading of the one paper stopped him.  He wasn’t trying to snoop; he didn’t go looking for the papers.  He actually had forgotten about the suspicious orange folder until now—now when it was in his hand.

“What the fu-?”  Cas flipped the page over as if to see if anything was on the other side.  The one page was official looking, but he was too distracted to read the content as he was distracted by the signature on the bottom.  There, in bold cursive writing was “Dean Winchester”. 

Cas glanced over the other page quickly before flipping the file open.  The first thing he found was a post-it note on the other side of the folder in writing that wasn’t his husband’s.

The note read: “In case you’re interested in what we talked about.  You know where to find me.” 

There wasn’t a name at the end, so Cas didn’t know who the person was, but that didn’t matter at the moment.  In the folder was an application of some sort.  It had all of Dean’s information.  This wasn’t—it wasn’t a—no.  It wasn’t a transfer request.  Was it?  The form didn’t look familiar. 

His eyes caught the words “Narcotics Division” a couple of times.  It wasn’t a secret to him that Dean had applied for a detective’s position awhile back, but Dean has never mention a job or interview since then.

It wasn’t just the one application.  Underneath the pages there was small package—about five pages held together by a paperclip.  There was another note in the same handwriting.  This message read: All you’ll need to know.  DO NOT SHARE WITH ANYONE.

The warning of course interested Cas.  What was in the package that was only for Dean’s eyes?  He wanted to read the papers, but a voice in his head stopped him.  These weren’t his paper—these were Dean’s.  Though, they were married and—technically this was a secret—he wanted to respect Dean’s privacy.

Then again, was it an invasion of privacy since they were married?  Or was this him not trusting Dean?  In the past Dean had kept things from him.  Not forever, but he knew his husband could keep a secret.  Eight years later and John Winchester still didn’t know his first-born was married to the very man he accused of turning his son into a ‘fag’

Ah, screw it. He had a right!  Before he could even look at the first page, like a cruel of fate, his phone chimed with a text.  He pulled his phone from his pocket, unlocking it to see he had a text from Dean.  It had to be a sign.

It wasn’t like Dean somehow knew he was poking through his things.  All Dean had written was that he was going to be home late and to not worry about dinner; nothing else. It was simple, but it was enough for the guilt to set in again.

Carefully, Cas grabbed all the papers again and placed them neatly in the folder before shoving it in the night stand drawer, where he had found it a couple of weeks earlier. 

He was going to ignore it for now, but if Dean didn’t talk soon, he wasn’t going to push.

*****

The week back for Sam wasn’t any better.  Work was fine; getting back into his routine was fine.  He was actually almost happy to be in the frigid weather where he had to wear his coat instead of the blistering heat wear a t-shirt and shorts were a must. 

It was a snowy Friday.  The snow was falling, but not staying, which wasn’t too unusual. Sam sat at his desk with a stack of papers remaining untouched in favour of his phone.

It was going onto five days since he last heard from Gabriel.  He tried calling and texting both the man’s cell and apartment number.  It was like he was a stalker; he was just confused about what was going on since they ended the vacation on such rocky terms or on no terms whatsoever.

The plane ride back had been spent in complete silence.  Even Michael and Lucifer didn’t attempt to pick a fight with each other, granted, Gabe purposely switched his seat with Lucifer, leaving Sam stuck on a four-hour flight with the second oldest Novak.

Sam was rereading through his last couple of texts that had gone unanswered by Gabriel.  God, could he be any more of a clingy girlfriend?  He sent a total for ten in the past few days and four phone message.

He didn’t notice someone had joined him until a throat cleared next to him.

“Texting on the job, Sam?  Hope the boss doesn’t see; you’ll be fired before you even begin.” 

Sam look up and rolled his eyes when he saw his friend and co-worker Spencer Locke standing at the side of his desk with his own stack of paper in his hands.  “You’re one to talk,” he muttered mostly to himself, but not low enough for the other man to not hear, and judging by the cocky grin—which reminded him too much of Gabriel—Spencer had heard it.

“Gotta say-” Spencer shook his head is mock disappointment and walk around Sam’s desk to his “-Ten days away and you turn into a slouch.  So, what is it?  Boy troubles?”  He took a seat at his desk across from Sam.  “Finally got laid?”

Sam groaned and lightly tossed his phone on next to the stack of untouched files.  “I’m not going to answer that.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Spencer chuckled without missing a beat and without looking up from the file in his hand.

Spencer was Sam’s roommate during his second and third year at NYU.  They had both been trying for law school and had both been accepted into the program the same year.  

Though Spencer was openly gay, they never hooked up.  They kissed once, but that was it.  Sam just became curious, which led to his “exploring” period.  Ironically, they both interned at the same law firm and both received job offers at said firm.

“It’s nothing.”  Sam then reached over and grabbed a random sheet of paper from the pile, trying to look busy.

“Is ‘nothing’ code for ‘Gabriel’ who won’t return your phone calls?”  Spencer smirked when he saw Sam’s glare.  “That wasn’t a no, and don’t try to deny it.  I heard you call the guy _twice_ yesterday.”

Sam glanced at his phone lying on his desk and clenched his fist.  It remained silent, taunting him.  “I’m just concerned.”  It was true, he was concerned, but he was also a little hurt.  Not only were the plane ride and days leading up until now unbearable with Gabriel’s silence, he had also been a major ass on their last day of vacation.  He honestly could have given Michael and Lucifer a run for their money.  Every time he tried to engage in the conversation Gabriel was having, the man would ignore him or shut him out.  When he tried to talk to him, he would just walk away or again, ignore him and start a conversation with someone else.  It was hurtful and insulting.  He wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

“He’s my friend; I want to make sure he’s all right,” he added lamely. 

Spencer made a humming noise, but didn’t look up from his paper.  “More than that?”

“What? No.  Why would—No, not like that.”  It was almost embarrassing that he was stuttering.  He was supposed to be a lawyer, calm and collected, and yet at the mention of Gabe, he turned into a sputtering mess.

“Mm-hmm.”  Spencer looked up and gave Sam a flirty smile.  “Trust me: I know a crush when a see one.”  Sam opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off.  “Nope.”  He held up a finger while going back to reviewing his file.  “Don’t deny it.  You’ve had stupid hearts in your eyes since the dude invited you on that vacation.”

“I do not!”  He was used to the teasing; he got it from Dean, he got it from Gabe and he got it from Spencer.  Just because it was almost synonymous with his life, it didn’t mean he appreciated it each time he was having a problem; how little Sammy was still a teenager in everyone’s eyes.  But, at the same time, was it really that obvious.  He was always told he should his emotions easily.  Maybe he made it too obvious that he liked Gabe and that’s what scared him off.  Maybe it was his fault.

“I said don’t deny it.”  Spencer turned his attention to his laptop, furiously typing away—something Sam should really be doing too—a still continued to interrogate his friend.  “What happened?  You two like sleep together?  Become some romcom cliché? 

Sam almost balanced at the comment.  How was it that his friend could read so much into this when Dean didn’t even catch on?  While calling his brother, he would _casually_ ask about Gabe, but it was the same answer: dunno, Cas usually deals with that shit.  It didn’t provide him with any help.

“We-we didn’t…”  He trailed of when Spencer raised an eyebrow and smirked knowingly.   “Well, it doesn’t matter now.  It’s over before it even became a thing.  I don’t think it was even a thing.”  He let out a loud sigh and pushed a hand through his hair.

“He’ll come around,” the older man tried to reassure, but judging by the scowl etched on Sam’s face, he wasn’t believing him.  “Look at me.  I did.”

During their years of university, Spencer made no attempt to hide preference for casual hookups and one-night stands.  In fact, Sam was almost sure the guy could be Gabe’s twin.  He then met his still boyfriend, Oliver at some bar halfway through their second year of law school.  While Spencer claimed that they were only doing casual sex, by the end of the year they were in a committed relationship. They were now going onto three years and Sam’s never seen the guy happier.  Maybe he was right.  But…

“And if he doesn’t?”  At this point, Sam didn’t care if Gabe wanted to forget all about Punta Cana.  All he wanted was Gabe back in his life, and if that just meant as friends, hell, he’d take it.

“Kick his ass.  Go to his house and smack some sense into his thick skull.”  Spencer chuckled and tossed a pack of paper stapled together.  “I think this is supposed to be in your pile.”

Sam took the paper without a word.  Spencer was right.  If Gabriel didn’t answer him soon, he was going to his place.  Just because of a stupid drunk hookup, Gabriel was avoiding him and practically throwing away the friendship they had quickly formed in the past four months.

*****

Dean stood next to the coffee machine, acting like he was busy with his drink, when his focus was on Castiel.  It’s been the fifth shift since they returned to New York; fourth shift they’ve had together. 

Today was an easy day; it was just desk duty and luckily they had Charlie and Kevin as well, who helped calm some of the tension between the couple.  Dean wasn’t sure what was going on, but Cas has been on edge for the past three days.  To an outsider, it didn’t seem like anything new.  They both ignored each other and threw their “fits” as Chuck had come to called it.  But Cas seemed different.  Usually he tried to make some effort in talking to Dean, but since starting back, all Dean got was grunting or a terse answer when words were required.

It wasn’t like anything significant happened since they returned from their trip, and the vacation, surprisingly didn’t do too much damage to their already tense relationship.  In fact, Gabe and Sam seemed to have suffered the most.  Not that it was huge revelation, but Dean noticed that his brother ‘chose’ (unknowingly that Gabe switched seats) to sit with Lucifer and not with his current ‘best friend’.  It was a little odd that Cas refused to look at him all day—focused more on his computer screen than the people around him.

Charlie was now saying something, but again, even with her, Cas refused to do more than nod.  She seemed a little discouraged, but Kevin spoke up and she turned her attention to the rookie instead.

Yeah, something was definitely up with his husband and he wasn’t going to find out what it was without some serious pushing, and knowing them that was not a discussing for the work environment.

He poured himself another cup of coffee before heading back to his desk, which had to be the one facing Cas’.  

“So, rumour has it that Chuck is hosting a New Year’s Eve party,” Charlie was saying to Kevin and Castiel just as Dean reached the desks.  “I don’t know who the hell convinced him of this, but I’m going.  What about you?”

Dean had heard earlier from Garth that Chuck planning a party, but hasn’t officially announced it.  Out of everyone they worked with, Chuck was the least likely to throw a party, which was why there was a buzz about it. 

“I’ll go,” Kevin agreed, while he wrote down something and looked up at the three officers.  “Not sure if a rookie would be allowed, but I have nothing else planned.”

Charlie grinned widely.  “Of course you’d be.  Chuck likes you.  He’s said that you were the only rookie that didn’t make him question his life choices.  Seriously, some of the rookies he’s had, easily needed a good kick in the ass.”

Dean remembered Chuck saying something along those lines once he was cut free of Tran or the other way around.  Since the kid was the rookie, he was now free of the TO. 

“What about you two?”  The question really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Dean.  Since they were all sitting in proximity to each other, Charlie was bound to ask them.

Instead of answering her he glanced at the red-head and then to Cas, a smug grin pulled at his lips.

Castiel let out a frustrated groan and stared up at Dean.  It was strange.  While Cas’ face looked tired and annoyed, there was something in Cas’ eyes that piqued Dean’s interested.  His eyes wouldn’t meet his, they were focused on his eyes, but wouldn’t make contact.  The blue eyes didn’t shine as bright as they usually did.  They looked sad, but it wasn’t just that, it was something else.

“No.  I’m not going.”  Cas finally met his partner’s eyes and then went back to typing at his computer.

The smile dropped from Dean’s face and confusion clouded his eyes.  “And why not?”  There was a little more force in the question than Dean wanted.  He momentarily forgot that they were at work and not home.  He sounded too interested for his liking.

Cas sighed again and turned himself away from his computer.  “I’m busy.  Why do you care?”

“What?  Working?”  Since they were both working Christmas, they were given New Year’s Eve and day off.  Dean was supposed to go to Bobby’s, but since his dad was going to be there, he figured he’d go to Sam’s.

“I’m going to Luke’s.”  Cas had to bite his tongue to stop speaking.  He was so close to adding “I told you that on Monday.”  Giving the fact that he didn’t work that day there was _no_ way to have contacted Dean.

“Since when?  I thought you hated…” Dean trailed off when he realized what he was going to say.  Being partners at work, it didn’t come as suspicious that he knew about Cas’ family.  Luke was Lucifer’s name while they were at work, per Dean’s instances.  He argued that having a brother called Lucifer would create some serious questions.  Cas didn’t get the point since Lucifer _was_ he brother’s birth name, but since he didn’t want to start another argument, he grudgingly agreed.

“He’s my brother, Dean.  I don’t hate him,” Cas bit out, leaning over a bit as if he was trying to get closer to Dean.  “He’s not my favourite person, but I don’t hate him like I hate-”  He inhaled sharply and widened his eyes when he realized what he had been about to say.  He glances over at Charlie and Kevin, while Dean refused to follow too shocked at the outburst to focus on anything but his husband.

Charlie and Kevin both glanced from Dean, who eyes still remained fixated on Cas and then to the officer himself.  It was the second outburst he’s had around Charlie this week.  She only knew Castiel as very calm but could be scary if provoked enough.  Clearly this week was not his week.

“Hey!” the red-head cheered, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the group.  “I’m going to the vending machine.  Anyone want anything?”

No one answered her, Dean and Cas too focused on themselves and Kevin too interested who would make the next move.

“Kevin, come on.”  She stood up and pulled on the rookie’s shoulder.  “You come and help me.”  She didn’t wait for a response before pulling the boy from the chair and dragged him away from the desks.  “I can’t decide what I want today.  I’m feeling like peanut butter cups, but I also want…” she trailed off as soon as they rounded the corner, putting them out of sight from the couple.

Both she and Kevin look back simultaneously to make sure neither Cas nor Dean followed or that anyone was around listening.

“That was weird, right?  Tell me I wasn’t just reading too much into it.”  They walked over to the break room, but snacks were not their concern at the moment. 

 “So I wasn’t the only one!  You know-” Charlie sighed and looked over her shoulder like she expected one of the officers to be there “-I’ve never heard Cas really talk about his family.  I knew he had a brother, but not a second.”  They stopped at the machine and Charlie pulled out some money from her pocket.  “I miss the way they used to be.  They were cute.  They were like always in sync with each other.  If it weren’t for the eye fucking, they were like best friends.  Now, well.”  She moved her hand about and shrugged.  She didn’t really have to use her words; Kevin knew what she meant.

The rookie nodded, staring ahead, but his focus wasn’t on the bag of popcorn.  He was trying to imagine what the two partners had been like “back in the day”.  Everyone always said that one day they were fine and the next day they were in a screaming match in Crowley’s office.  Whether that story was true or not remained a mystery.  He had asked around, but either stories didn’t match up or no one would tell. 

“Yeah.  The eye sex is still there, but now it’s just built up sexual tension or so we say.  I joked about that with Dean one day and he about nearly chewed my head off.  Dean may think he’s keeping it a secret, but we all know he’s gay.  It’s not that hard to tell.”  She decided on a chocolate par with nuts in it and bag of chips.

“Wait.  Dean’s not out?”  That was news to him.  Almost everyone knew, especially when some of the guys tried to set Dean up with some blonde at Victor’s birthday and he refused.  He was also very aware of the bet going around the precinct of when Dean and Cas would finally fuck it out.  So far Anna, Garth, Amelia, Robert, and Gary have lost.  Personally, he thought it was crude, yet he had his name down for some time next year.  It may be crude, but it was undeniable that there was something between the two officers.

“’Fraid not.  I think he still thinks no one knows, so keep it that way.  Chips?”  She offered the second bag she bought, which Kevin took.  “Pretty sure he knows I know, but I’m the only one.  The guy is good at hiding it, but-” the officer began to lead the way out of the break room, which was empty at the moment “-everyone has their slip ups.”

 

*****

“Cas?” Dean asked as soon as the other two officers were out of earshot. “What was that-?” 

Cas shoulders were tense now as he scowled at his computer of the umpteenth time.  He was trying to avoid looking at Dean, which the officer notice when his eyes quickly glance in his direction, but moved back before they could make contact. 

“Cas?” he tried again, this time Castiel looked, but his gaze was focused over Dean’s shoulder.  He was glaring at whomever or whatever was standing behind Dean.  It for a brief moment before his was glaring.  He gave the smallest shake of his head almost like he was asking Dean for whatever the hell it is he did not to be true, only, Dean didn’t know what it was that he did.

Cas clearly knew something.  He was just hiding what it was, but the question what?  Could he have…?  No?

Dean turned around just in time to see Benny walk out of Crowley’s office.  Was he who Cas was glaring at?   He snapped his stare back at Cas, who remained unchanged.  No. Cas couldn’t know.  He’s worked hard to hide it.  Cas didn’t know.  Did he?

 

*****

_“Hey, it’s me, again.  Look, I just wanted to—I don’t know.  Gabe, I really think we should talk.  You’ve been silent for a week.  Next week is supposed to be A Christmas Carol.  I still have the tickets.  Maybe we could meet before and get an early dinner.   If you want or we could just go to the play.  Okay, well, call when you… Have a chance.”_

Gabe groaned and exited out of his voicemail.  Shit, he completely forgot about the plans he and Sam made over a month ago to see a production of _A Christmas Carol._

He also couldn’t help notice that Sam sounded a little down.  It was barely noticeable—he tried to sound cheerful, but Gabe could hear it.  It was also the third voicemail Sam’s left on his cell since cutting off all communication with the man.  Usually he received texts.  He like those better; they were easier delete.  He didn’t have to hear Sam’s voice pleading for him to call. 

Technically, he wasn’t supposed to be checking his phone since he was still working and not on his break, but after his phone buzzed for the fourth time in two hours, he couldn’t ignore it until his lunch in two hours.  While the missed call was from Sam, the three texts his missed were from Lucifer.

He knew he was being an ass to Sam.  He was also probably overreacting if he asked anyone for their opinion.  They were both drunk; it probably meant nothing to Sam.  It also didn’t help that Cas practically tore him a new one the day after, storming into his room when he had missed breakfast, resulting in Michael sending their baby brother on a hunt.

His brother’s words still rang loudly in his mind.  _“How could you be so irresponsible?”_   It was true.  He acted on his lust and logic.  He threw himself in a hole with this situation.

*****

_A loud knock echoed loudly around the room and was not relenting.  The door rattled slightly with the force, and Gabe let out a moan before burring his head under his pillow._

_“Go away!”  His voice was muffled and probably didn’t travel to his morning wakeup call currently pounding a hole into his door._

_“Gabriel!  Open this door.  Now!”  Cas’ voice was loud and he sounded irritated.  He pounded on the door three more times.  “I’m not leaving until you do!”_

_Ah for fuck’s-” He growled through gritted teeth and pushed off the bed.   He didn’t bother to put on pants.  Cas could deal with him in a t-shirt and boxers.  It wasn’t like it was the worst his brother caught him in.  And, Cas deserved it after a waking him up like that.  “What?” he snapped, opening the door with a little too much force that it slammed against the wall._

_Castiel pushed his brother aside without one word.  He ignored Gabe’s sarcastic remark.  He rounded on him, a furious glare on his face and arms crossed across his chest._

_“Are you gonna talk or just stand there looking con-”  Gabe tried to sound as nonchalant as he could, but he was a little nervous.  Cas rarely got this mad and when he did it was something serious._

_“You slept with Sam!”  It wasn’t a question.  There was no reason for Gabe to question it. Their rooms were right next to each other.  If Cas stated it, he obviously was probably in the room at some point last night.  “How could you be so reckless, Gabriel?  Do you know w-what t-this-”  Cas trailed off and pushed a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends._

_Gabe stared down at his feet, trying to not feel ashamed.  Cas’ words hurt.  It wasn’t like he murdered someone, committed a crime.  He just had sex and here was his brother acting like his committed a felony.  “I think you’re making too big of a-”_

_Cas inhaled sharply and relaxed his face.  His next words were a lot calmer.  “Was their alcohol involved?”_

_There was a long paused.  Gabriel didn’t have to answer to confirm, the silence was enough._

_“Gabriel.”  It was almost a whine.  “Not a big deal?  Can you tell me that you would have slept with Sam if you were sober?”_

_“W-well, I—”  The feelings for Sam were there long before last night.  His actions weren’t a result from being drunk, they just gave him the encouragement he needed._

_Cas face softened; he could practically see the wheels in Gabriel’s head turning.  “Sam offered to get you, but judging by the fact that you hadn’t shown up, I figured you were avoiding him and you two haven’t talked.”_

_Gabe’s fist clenched at his side and he bit back the snide remark bubbling at his lips.  He hated that his brother was basically right, yet, he had to remember Cas was a fucking cop.  He could tell when people were lying._

_Gabriel didn’t have to say anything for Cas to know he was right.  Sam gave the whole story away just by asking where Gabe was three times in less than an hour.  “You’re going to have to talk to him.”  Cas was right, but it didn’t make hearing it any easier.  “You guys are friends; this isn’t something you can just brush off.  You two need to talk.”_

Well, that was over a week ago and he was sitting in the middle of the break room, deleting the third voicemail Sam’s left him since returning home.  Every so often, he would remember Cas’ words, but all the same, that didn’t make him want to dial Sam’s number.

Maybe he was making too big of a deal out of this.  Maybe all Sam wanted to talk about was where they stood after this.  Gabe couldn’t pass it off as just sex.  For him, it meant more—drunk or not.  He didn’t think he was ready to hear Sam’s rejection.

For the first time in his life, he had to agree to the saying: sex complicates things.  In the past he just had meaningless hook-ups.  Even with his past girlfriends and boyfriends, they never lasted more than a few months.  Sam was the first hook-up that he regretted.  He loved every minute of it; images still refused to leave his mind, but he regretted it because he would trade that night of passion to keep his friendship with Sam the way it had been before he and his desires got in the way.  Of course, maybe—a small part of him hoped—there was the possibility that he was over thinking everything.  Maybe.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I was going to post this chapter back in November, but something did happen. I was diagnosed with Chiari malformation, which caused hydrocephalus and I had to have surgery to remove part of my skull in the back of my head. Things didn't go as planned and I had to have emergency surgery. I ended up in a coma for about two weeks. It's been a slow recovery and I'm still in the hospital, I just figured I should update to let you know I'm still here.
> 
> Since I've been the hospital, I haven't been able to get a beta, so I am sorry for all of the mistakes. And since my body doesn;t work 100% it does take me a lot longer to type out a chapter. I will get the next one done soon. I have a lot of free time now and could use the practice.
> 
> Thank you, everyone who is still with me.

“Oh that’s disgusting,” Chuck gagged as soon as he reached the living room.  Becky was right behind him, but didn’t make any comment.

What had been called in as a disturbance call turned out to be a murder scene.  While the call came in less than fifteen minutes ago, judging by the body, the call came in hours too late, leaving no hope for the victim.  From a quick glance, the only visible wound was a large stab wound to the centre of the chest.  Blood was all over the room, and furniture was scattered over the floor, giving the appearance that a struggle had happened.

They were waiting for the CSI unit to arrive, but right now, Chuck and Becky were watching over the body.

“It’s the same symbol,” Dean rushed out, as soon as they were back in the hallway.  Having been the officers to respond first, they got a more thorough look around the apartment, and right there, on the wall, right above the couch, was the mysterious symbol, painted in blood.

“Dean, please, don’t,” Cas pleaded.  He knew where he was going to go with this and now wasn’t the time. 

“But it is.  And it’s in blood just like the other times.”  His voice was hushed, only low enough for Cas to hear.  “How does that not mean anything?”

Cas inhaled sharply and looked around the hallway.  Faint voices were coming from down the hall, getting closer by each second. 

“I’m not say it isn’t, but Dean, we’re not discussing this now.  Please.”  He nearly growled the last part, hinting that their conversation was done until they were alone again.  Not ten seconds later, the CSI unit rounded the corner.   “We do our job first, Dean.”

*****

Canvassing the area was always a pain in the ass.  It was time-consuming and more times than not, they got people bitching about things unrelated to their question.Cas and Dean were currently on the ninth floor, having agreed to take the odds, while Chuck and Becky took the even floors. 

“Thank you for your help, ma’am.”  Castiel smiled and bowed his head as a middle-aged woman closed her door.  So far, after talking to five people, they had nothing.  Some claimed to have heard something, but after more questioning, they realized they were coming up empty.

“What’s the point of this again?” Dean grumbled and walked over to the next unit.  “We’re not getting anywhere.  We should just head back down and-”

“We have six more units to check.  We are not skipping them.”  Cas raised his hand and knocked just below the number.

“I doubt anyone will have any useful information.  It was a stabbing, not a shooting.  I doubt anyone below that guy heard anything.  And besides, I was right.  That symbol was not random.  Remember?  And you just brushed it off.”

Cas gritted his teeth and moved over to the next unit when there was no answer.  “So what? Do you want a pat on the shoulder?  Gold stars? A fucking plaque? And I didn’t not brush it off.  I wanted more evidence.”

“Well, now you have.  So are you happy?”  Dean knocked on the next door, this time, a young man answered almost immediately, preventing Cas from replying.

Like the other times, they didn’t get any information to help with case, but the man was able to testify that he’d seen two men, a tall, slender man who wore a grey hoodie and jeans; and a shorter, older man in a sweater and beige trousers have been around a couple of time in the past two weeks.  What sent up a red flag was that the man explained that they usually stayed outside until a man (their victim) came outside.  They never once came inside.

“Thank you.  You’ve been very helpful.  We appreciate it.”  The man nodded and closed the door.

“So what, you going to be all fucking proud just because you were right about a hunch?”  Cas snapped, immediately going back to their previous argument.  I’m not in the mood for you to reprimand me.”

“Oh relax.  And if anyone needs to fucking relax, it’s you.  What the hell did I do you to give me the silent treatment?”

Cas remained quiet for a moment, giving thought to his next reply.  Dean, of course, thought Cas was just being a little shit and going back to being silent.

“Really, Cas, the silent treatment?Real mature.  What are you, some teenage girl?”

“You are so dense, Dean!” the shorter man snapped.“Do I really need to spell it out for you?”  But before Dean could say anything, he was cut off by a loud laugh from down the hall.

“Well, well, well.  Look what we have here.”  A petite woman with curly brown hair in a black leather jacket and jeans was walking in their direction.  Next to her was another petite woman with dark hair, hers was pulled up in a ponytail.  “Did you two get lost on your way to Flaming Saddles Saloon (Pieces Gay Bar)?”

Dean turned his head and groaned.  “Masters.  Blackwell.  What the hell are you two doing here?”  He narrowed his eyes as he watched the two women walk towards them.  “This place is closed off.”

Ruby smiled smugly.  “I live here.  Just because you can organize an investigation accurately, doesn’t me I should be kept out.”

“Bullshit.  You live in West Village.”

“I moved.” Meg snickered next to her friend.

“Doubt it,” Cas chimed in.  He arms were crossed over his chest and his glare matched Dean’s.

“So we’re checking out the competition.  And, I can’t say I’m overly impressed,” Meg tsked and nearly cackled when Dean made a move, only to be stopped by Castiel.

“Dean, don’t,” the officer hissed under his breath.  They were taunting them and Dean was falling into the trap.  Ruby and Meg didn’t have any reason to criticize their investigation.  This was 23’s jurisdiction, not 17’s.

“Listen to your boy-toy, Winchester,” Ruby taunted.  While the people at 23 may be too daft to see the obvious connect Novak and Winchester had with each other, Meg and Ruby weren’t as oblivious.  They were almost certain that the two were fucking.  A piece of information that would be fun to reveal and watch the dumb look of shock of 23’s officers, but… They weren’t that cruel.  No way.

Dean yanked his arm from Cas’ grip and stalked off.  “We’re done here.”  Only, Cas didn’t follow.  There were still four more units to check and he was not going to skip them.

“Well,” Meg watched as Dean disappeared down the hall and then glanced back at Cas.  A flirty smile played at her lips.  “See you around, Clarence.”  She winked at the officer and walked around him, purposely brushing his shoulder.  Ruby followed, but her smile was less than friendly. 

Cas waited until they went through the stairwell before moving to the next door.  At best, he only had to deal with 17 when they were participating in a city-wide cleanup or annual division competitions.  Either way, the female officers of 17 were ones not to mess with, especially with Abaddon Knight as their ringleader.

Cas signed and knocked on the door.  He wanted to follow Dean, but his job needed to be done first.  Even though Dean could skip out on assignments and not get nailed for it, Cas wasn’t so lucky.  He could possibly get a week of desk duty for walking off a crime scene without conducting proper tactics.

And there was still the major issue hanging over them.  He needed to talk to Dean about the forms, and Dean needed to come clean about what he was stressing over.  Did he get accepted and was worrying about how to confess everything to him?  Or was Dean merely upset and hiding everything because he had been rejected again and didn’t want to admit to he failure… Again.  Whatever it was, they were going to need to have a long talk.

 

*****

The next day, things more or less returned to normal… As normal as things could be for Castiel and Dean.  Cas returned to talking to Dean, though, Dean could still tell something was pissing his husband off. 

It was their day off, so the morning was spent just lounging around.  Cas was in the bedroom making the cleaning or doing something productive, while Dean was sprawled on the couch, watching some sports channel recapping the highlight from all the games that went on last night.

“Dean?” Cas called out, waiting for a moment for Dean to answer.  “Dean!”  His tone was louder when he received no reply.

“What?”  Dean’s attention was still focus on the TV, though he really didn’t care the guy on the screen was actually saying.  The guy was just some overpaid dick in a suit giving his opinion on the latest celebrity nonsenses.

Cas stepped into the living room, stepping towards the back of the armchair.  He had something in his hands, but the back out the chair blocked it. 

“I need to talk to you.”  The younger man stared down at the folder in his hand and swallowed hard.  He had planned on talking with Dean last night, but Bobby had called, and Dean spent close to two hours on the phone with him, and then Jo had called not minutes later.  Last night hadn’t been a good time, and now it was well past noon, so, now’s a good as a time as any.

“Hmm?”  Dean glanced at Cas.  He was prepared to go back to watching the screen, but something in Cas’ eyes stopped him.  He looked… Dejected, and he kept looking down at his hands.  When he looked up, he never met Dean’s gaze, which alarmed the other man.  This was going to be serious.  “Okay?  What is it?”  He turned the volume down and shifted on the couch so he was facing Cas.

His husband looked him in the eye and held up what was in his hand—an orange folder.  For a moment, several different scenarios ran through his mind.  Divorce papers?  Was Cas—did Cas—?  No, he couldn’t.  Not like this.  Then something clicked.  He knew that folder.  He’s only been going through is about a dozen times a week.  Shit!

“Cas, I can explain.”  He raised a steady hand, hoping to convince Cas that the truth wasn’t back at whatever assumptions he’s brewed up in his head.

“Oh, so you do know what these are.”  The younger man smiled falsely.  He flipped open the cover and turned over a couple of pages.  “Good.  For a moment I thought you were getting yourself into an underground drug ring.”

“Look, it’s not like that.  We’re not even-”  He was cut off by Cas making incredulous laugh in the back of his throat.

“So this isn’t your signature confirming your application?”  Cas flipped several pages over to get to the one with Dean’s signature on the bottom of the page.  He turned the folder in his hand to show Dean.  “Then this wouldn’t be Benny’s signature signing off the fucking form.”  He pointed to the one that clearly reads ‘Benjamin Lafitte’.  “It’s been approved, Dean.  You honestly think I’m that much of a shitty cop that I wouldn’t look through everything.” 

“Cas…”  Dean looked between the folder to his husband.  He knew they weren’t getting out of this without some serious words and some shouting being exchanged.  He’s been backed into a corner and the only way out was telling Cas what he wanted to know.  If only he could get a word in.  “I was-”

“Was planning on keeping it from me until the last possible minute so I wouldn’t be able to stop you?”  Castiel raised a challenging brow, walking around the chair.

Dean looked down.  It wasn’t confirmation, but his guilty look proved that that hadn’t been the last idea either.  Sam was right, and now, because he didn’t listen, he was paying for it.  This time, he was in the wrong, and Cas had every right to hate him.

“Look, Cas, please.”  The older man looked up at his husband, his eyes soft and pleading.  “I know I shouldn’t have hidden this.  Sam told me this-” He cut off when he saw the fire build up in the back of Cas’ eyes.  He said the wrong thing, and he knew it.

“You told Sam?  You told Sam and you didn’t think to mention it to me?!”  Now he was pissed.  He tried to keep calm and collected, but hearing that his husband had the nerve to tell his brother about this possible exploration of careers and not him, well, he couldn’t even describe the sting that realization has left.

“I was going to Cas.  You gotta believe me.  I wasn’t gonna _leave_ you completely on the outs.”

“No, just when you thought would be the right time for _you._ It’s always been about you, Dean.  I’ve never visited your father because _you_ didn’t want me to.  We’ve never come out at work because _you_ don’t want us to.  I supported your choice to apply for UC because I knew it was something you really wanted to do.”  Castiel’s tone was turning desperate.  He needed Dean to see that he wasn’t giving up on them—that he wasn’t the enemy in all of this.  “I told you, when you didn’t get approved, that I would support you when the time came where you would want to try it again.  What did I do to make you not trust me?  To think I wouldn’t support you?” 

His eyes were shining, the familiar burning of tears was coming, but he refused to let them shed.  He wasn’t going to cry in frustration, and he definitely wasn’t going to cry in front of Dean.

“I know you would have supported me.  That was the problem.”

Castiel let out a scoff and shook his head.  “Forgive me, but somehow I don’t believe you.”

They both stayed in tense silence for a long while.  Cas was still waiting for a reply, while Dean tried to process his husband’s words and find the proper explanation.

“It’s complicated, Cas.”  He knew it was far from the answer Castiel wanted to hear, but it was true.  There were a lot of reasons why he did what he did, but the cruel irony of it all was, he also wasn’t sure if those were the true reasons why he kept this secret.

The dark haired man clicked his tongue and unfolded his arms.  He slimed, but it was small and mocking.  He folded the cover back over the forms and looked up, steeling his features.  “Then fucking figure out what you want with your life and call me you know.”  He tossed the papers onto the coffee table without breaking eye contact.  He could see that Dean wanted to say something, but right now he didn’t want to hear it.  He had to get out of their apartment.

“Please, babe.  Just sit down and we’ll talk.”

Even the endearment was wrongly misplaced in all of this.  He didn’t want to hear what Dean had to say, let alone hear his voice.

“Not now, Dean.”  He grabbed his coat and slipped on his boots before pocketing his keys and phone.  “I can’t.”  He knew he shouldn’t run, but right now, this was all too much for him and he needed space to process things. 

The door slammed behind him as he stood in the hall alone.  He pressed his back to the door and took a deep breath.  A large weight felt like it has been lifted from his shoulders, but a small weight has replaced.  He still needed to figure this all out with Dean, and right now he was doing the running.  But, truth be told, he was afraid.  He didn’t want to hear Dean’s reason for why he felt the need to go undercover. 

He wanted to talk to Gabriel, but his brother was working a thirty-hour shift, so he knew that was not an option.  Calling Michael, he’d rather just march back into the room behind him and go at it with Dean.  Charlie and Anna were not even an option.  Jo… She was more Dean’s friend than his.  And Sam, he’s sure he could convince the younger Winchester to take his side, but he’d still remain loyal to Dean.

Lucifer was an option.  His tattoo shop was in Upper Manhattan, so the drive was reasonable.  Plus, he’s sat in on some of Lucifer’s sessions.  He was always welcome at Lucifer’s place; he just so rarely took up the invite.  But right now, standing outside his place, knowing he couldn’t go back in right now, Lucifer was his only option. 

He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to his brother, letting him know he was on his way.  Had it been any other time, he would have asked for permission to, but right now he couldn’t be bothered with pleasantries. 

It was less than half a minute when his phone chimed with a reply.

_“Slow day.  Be my guest.”_

His phone chimed again with another message from Lucifer, this time reading: _“Any chance I can convince you of that tattoo?”_

Castiel rolled his eyes and slipped his phone back into his pocket.  He wasn’t even going to entertain his brother with a response.  He would just have to answer that question again in twenty minutes. 

Maybe this wasn’t his best idea. 

*****

Dean almost forgot all about the dinner he and Sam planned had Sam not called him to confirm the right restaurant.  He really wasn’t in the mood to hang out with his brother.  He wanted to stay home in case Cas showed up.  He really needed to explain himself and apologize.  He wasn’t looking forward to that part, but there really was no way of turning this around.  He was the one who fucked up.

Dinner out really wasn’t part of his plans, but he didn’t want to cancel on Sam.  And… Maybe his brother would have some advice.  That would mean he would have to confess to not listening to Sam when he told him to Cas the first time.  He quite possibly would receive an earful from his younger brother, but, was that even new?  Sam always was a ‘I told you so’ when it came to shit like this.

Things were tense the moment both Winchesters sat down.  Something was clearly up with Sam.  He barely talked aside from the brief greeting they shared and to comment on the menu.  Dean also wasn’t much different, which meant things were silent between the two of them. 

While Sam kept playing in his head all the moments he had with Gabe, trying to figure out what the hell he had done to receive Gabriel’s silence. It had to be him.  The young Novak was the one who approached him again after they ran into each other months ago.  Maybe he realized exactly what a bore he could be.  Dean always teased him that he wasn’t like most twenty-five-year-olds.  How he preferred books and to stay at home than go to clubs and partying.  Cas always said Gabe liked to have a good time.  It probably was his fault.

Dean glanced ahead at the table, lost in his own worlds as well.  He was too distracted to be consciously aware of Sam’s own silence.  He was too pissed at himself; too upset at Cas; too pissed at this whole fucked up situation—he was just pissed at everything. 

He found himself reaching into his pocket, pulling out his phone for the umpteenth time since Cas left.  There were still no missed calls or texts.  It has been complete silence between them for three hours now.  He sent a text to Cas about a half hour after he left, but received no reply.

He really did screw up.  Everyone but Cas knew that he was taking up undercover.  Bobby knew, but that had been a slip up on Sam’s part, which led to his dad finding out.  He didn’t really care, but he didn’t expect John too.  He still didn’t know much about his life.  Jo and Sam both knew.  Jo threatened to kick his ass if he returned home with his ‘mug all messed up’.  Cas, the one who should have known first, was the one he kept completely in the dark.

“Am I boring?” Sam asked, breaking the silence. 

Dean looked up, his brows furrowed together in confusion.  The question was random and just not… Sam.  “What are you-?”

“You always say I’m not fun or-” moved his hands in an ‘I don’t know’ sort of way “-I’m like a girl.  Do you really mean that?” In the past, he would have rolled his eyes at Dean’s insults and just brush them off.  He knew most of the time it was Dean’s attempt at humour and to poke fun at him—they were brothers after all.  Yet, the whole thing with Gabe made him question if it was slightly true.

He had friends, but they were all like him in some sort of way.  None of the really partied like Gabe did.  They didn’t float around from person to person like he knew Gabe did.  Well, Spencer was a close second, but that had been a few years ago.

“Come on, Sam, you know-” Dean began to reply, with a teasing smirk, but Sam shook his head and pushed on.

“I’m being serious, Dean.  Do you actually mean it?”  He looks his brother in the eyes.  He knew he probably sound pathetic for asking.  “I mean, Spencer and Andy, they know what I’m like.  They know I prefer to stay at home than to go out, but Gabe-”

“Sam,” the older Winchester groaned.  “I’m not in the mood for this.”  He wasn’t exactly the best therapist when it came to advice giving, and right now, he wasn’t in the mood at all.

Sam frowned and glared.  “I’m being serious here.  Can you please do the same and actually listen to me?”  There was some bite at the end of the sentence.  Dean acting like this wasn’t anything new, but he hoped for once Dean would step up and act like the mature older brother he was supposed to be.

“Look,” Dean sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.  “I don’t know.  You don’t exactly scream fun times, but that’s just you.  You prefer the library over the bar.  Nothing wrong with that.  And if that hobbit doesn’t know that by now, well, that’s his problem.” 

Sam frowned.  It wasn’t untrue; being honest, Gabe knew this.  Didn’t he? They’ve had a long conversation about various authors and books.

“It’s just, Gabe’s been avoiding me.” There, he said it.  “Since we got back, I’ve talked to him for maybe five minutes and that’s it.  I’m just trying to figure out what I did.”

“I don’t know.”  Dean looked up from his menu, still not interested in the conversation, but entertaining it for his brother’s sake.  “That whole family is weird.  Just go talk to him or something. Why do you think it’s your fault?’

He wanted to tell Dean the truth, but he didn’t want to have that conversation now and especially in public.  “We were supposed to go to the Christmas Carol.”

The older Winchester snorted into his beer and shook his head with a smirk.  “Why don’t you just go to The Nutcracker instead?”

“I’m not in the mood to joke, _Dean.”_

“And neither am I,” Dean bit back. 

A tense silence fell over the table, which was interrupted by the waitress who returned for the fourth time, waiting to take the brothers’ orders.  They quickly sent her away with their choices, but the silence remained.

“Look, I completely forgot about tonight until you called.”  Dean toyed with his bottle, more interested in the way the liquid inside kept going down each sip he took.  He was going to need to change that.

Sam clicked his tongue and raised his eyebrow before glancing down at his water.  “Okay, fine.”  He thinned his lips and nodded.  “Did you want to say something?”

“Please.  I didn’t want this dinner to turn into an episode of Dr. Phil.”

“Then why did you just hint that something’s going on.  You usually don’t forget our plans unless something else is on your mind.  So, what is it?  Is it work?  Cas?  You two haven’t-”

“Cas knows about the applications,” the older man said in a rush, refusing to meet the judgmental stare he knew his brother was giving him.

Sam’s brows knitted together.  “K-knows about the f—you never told him?” he snapped when the words finally registered.  Dean remained silent, just confirming Sam’s assumptions.  “What the hell, Dean?  You’ve had months to tell him and instead, you just let him find out?”

“I didn’t let him find out!”  This wasn’t his fault.  Why was Sam acting this way?  Cas was the one who went snooping through his things.  He had just been waiting for the right time to tell his husband.

“No, he just found them.”  He let out a humourless laugh and shook his head.  “So he knows you’re going.  Did you two fight?  I’m guessing you did or you wouldn’t be sulking like a four-year-old.”

“He left.  We were talking—he was yelling more.  I tried to explain, but I figured it was best if I let he leave until he cooled off.”  Sam raised his eyebrows at that, which turned into an eye roll.

“Dean, whenever we get together, you always go on some rant about Cas.  You want my opinion?  You have no fucking right to act like the victim.”  Dean made a motion to protest, but Sam raised his hand, silencing him.  “You’ve had over two months to tell him about your application; you’ve had a month to tell him that you were accepted.  _Which,_ you have yet to do.  Cas’ reaction is justifiable.”

Dean remained silent for a moment, running Sam’s words over in his head.  “I just… It’s complicated.”

“You’re making it complicated.  All you had to do was tell him.”  Sam gave a humourless laugh and shook his head.  “When has Cas never supported you?  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have stopped you if you had been honest with him.”

“You clearly don’t know the situation,” Dean grumbled, glancing down at the table. 

Sam honestly didn’t know what to say.  He knew Dean and Cas were hitting a rocky patch.  Dean may not have said it, and was pretty sure he was keeping it a secret from everyone, but they all knew.  Sam pinned the issue almost immediately.  He wasn’t sure what caused was, but from all his observing, he was convinced it was a number of things. 

There were mild arguments during visits at Bobby’s, tense silence during Christmases when Dean and Cas disagreed on something, and the most obvious, Cas stopped visiting him with Dean.  Usually, when he invited Dean over to his place for dinner, the invite was extended to Cas as well.  Yet, fifty percent of those visits excluded his brother-in-law.  So, no, Dean wasn’t fooling anyone.  Jo even commented on the distance between Cas and Dean at his birthday last year when his brother showed up without Cas, who arrived an hour later, with no reasonable excuse as to why he drove by himself.

He knew their father’s opinion of Dean “choice” of sexuality as John once said, had been a hard pill for Dean to swallow.  It was why Dean’s visits with their father decreased drastically as the years went by.

But from what Bobby has told him, things were moving forward.  Dean and their dad were on casual terms.  Apparently, they talked almost once a week now.

“He’s your husband, Dean.  You owe it to him,” he replied simply.  “You owe it to him, to be honest.  And you owe it to him to let him speak his opinion.  A marriage is about communication and compromise.”

“Since when did you become an expert on marriage?  Look what happened to you and-?”  He cut himself off when he realized where his sentence was going.  The look on Sam’s face was almost enough to kill him.

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear that.  Especially when that is a topic you don’t even understand.”

“Sorry.”  The older Winchester had the humility to look guilty.  He did feel bad, but it was a valid point.  Sam had no clue what it was really like to be married.  That shit was hard.  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Like his brother promised, he ignored his apology and pressed on.  “Like I said, talk to Cas.  And for Christ’s sake, tell the truth.”

Their food arrived shortly after that.  Dean didn’t exactly make the effort to prove that he’d follow Sam’s advice, but would at least try.

*****

It was just after ten when Cas finally walked through the door again.  Dean was on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, left hand tucked behind his head, while his left was thrown over his stomach.  He tipped his head when he heard the door open and bolt upright. 

“Hey,” he said softly.  He watched as Cas’ eyes glanced to him before moving over to the sideboard.  He dropped his keys into the glass dish, followed by his phone.

“Hi,” he finally responded, shrugging off his jacket. 

“H-how was your night?”  They were dancing around each other.  Neither wanted to broach the subject first.

“It was fine.  Went to Lucifer’s.”  He hung his coat up before walking into the living space, stopping by the armchair.

“Tried to convince you to get a tattoo again?”  Dean smirked.  He’d be lying if he didn’t think Cas would look good with a couple of tattoos.  He’s choice, though. 

 “Yes, he did.  Several times, actually.  So-” he picked up the steely-blue colour pillow from the chair and sat down, placing the cushion on his lap.  “Are we going to talk about this?”  He pulled at the corner of the plush square. 

“I’m sorry.  I know I should have told you, but-” Dean shrugged and slid down the couch to be closer to Cas.  “I just—after last time, I didn’t want to build something up that wasn’t going to happen.”  _I didn’t want your sympathy._ “Since last time went so well, and things now are a fucking fairy tale…” his voice was dripping with sarcasm.  _I let you down last time; I didn’t want to do it again._

What he was saying was true, but he was hiding, he couldn’t bring himself to say.  He’s always kept a large majority of the truth to himself.

“But, Dean, last time happened for a reason.  The fact that you even applied again shows me that you never gave up the hope.”  He reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand.  “I supported you last time.  Why didn’t you think I would be this time?”

Dean clenched his jaw and glanced at Cas through the corner of his eye.  They both knew the reason. 

“Okay, I know things between us haven’t been great for a long time.  I know John coming back hasn’t helped.  We suck at communicating and you keep you many things to yourself.  I am still your husband.  What have I done to show that I don’t support you?”

“I know.”  It was a pathetic response, but it was all he could come up with.  This was all just a big mess, not just from refusing to tell Cas about Benny’s offer, but just their life in general.  When did they marriage get so unhealthy?

They started this marriage in a lie—a lie to their co-workers.  It only became natural to continue the charade, and before long, everything felt better with an altered truth.

“I won’t disagree with you there.  But, Dean, are you really going to take it?”  It was one thing to get the application approved, but accepting the offer was something entirely different. 

There was a pregnant pause.  Dean looked down at the floor and shrugged his shoulders.  “I honestly don’t know yet.”  It wasn’t exactly the truth.  He did tell Benny that he would take it, but lately, since this new suspicious gang activity has come forward, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to leave it all behind.  “Guess it depends on things here.”

He looked at Cas, intending to give him a smile, but was more of a grimace.

Cas’ heart spend up.  He wasn’t sure what Dean meant by that, but he hoped it was about them.  Going undercover could be as short as one day to months.  Losing Dean for that long would be hard, and maybe Dean was realizing the same thing.  That hope was shattered by the next words out of his husband’s mouth.

“With my dad.  Since he’s unexpectedly popped back into my life, kind of feel like he wouldn’t understand if I went away.”  It wasn’t like he lived his life to appease his dad, but he was just getting on the right foot with John.  Running off for an undetermined amount of time would be another thing to accept. 

It wasn’t like he was suddenly best friend’s with his dad and all was forgiven, but they were becoming more civilized.  When he calls Bobby, he’ll actually take ten minutes to say ‘hi’ to his dad.

Those were actual thoughts that went through his head, but there was also the biggest issue he didn’t want to admit: Cas.  Even though he knew Cas would try to argue him out of this op when he learns that it’s minimum three months

Cas wanted to believe Dean, he really did.  They were now talking, and that was a good thing, but he wouldn’t be John Winchester’s son without acquiring some of the senior Winchester’s undesired quirks.  He just hoped that this was their chance to get back once they once had.  Dean may be John Winchester’s son, but he wasn’t a second John.  He was so much more than his father; he just needed to see that.

“So where does this leave us? Because, frankly, I’m tired of just sweeping everything under the rug.  We talk and we never get anywhere.”  Cas sighed and pushed a hand trough his hair, pulling on the ends.  “I-I just—if you’re leaving, can we withstand that distance?”  They were already so close to the edge.  One more push and they were over. 

Dean swallowed, but remained silent.  This conversation wasn’t exactly new, but it never entertained the idea of either of left disappearing for several weeks.  Maybe the time would fix them instead of break them.  Maybe.  


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm home from the hospital! Which means tons of free time when I don't have physio. I plan to update this story more often than I have. I have the next chapter done, I just need to edit it. I also don't have a beta just yet, but I really wanted to get this chapter out. All the mistakes are my own. sorry if there's more than usual.

It has been three days since Castiel confronted Dean about his forms, and even though they haven’t touched the subject since, Castiel still felt he was missing something.  Call him paranoid, but he knew Dean was still keeping something from him.  The problem was that he needed proof.  He wanted to believe that Dean was still considering if he should take the offer.

To admit the truth, Cas would rather if Dean rejected the undercover op.  He didn’t want to lose his husband.  They were already hanging on by a thread and Dean going away for three or six months may just finally break them.  Dean would finally realize how much better they would be if they actually separated.  In the past couple of years, it felt like he was putting more effort into this marriage than Dean.

Yet, a tiny part of Castiel couldn’t let go of the hope that maybe this is also what they needed.  He fought for their marriage for so long.  He lost so much growing up, and let so many good times slip between his fingers for Dean.  He kept in the background for the man he loved, and after ten years, he didn’t know if he still wanted to fight or finally announce his surrender.

Maybe Cas needed Dean more than Dean needed him.  They were completely different people.  Dean dealt with things silently.  Cas, well, he preferred to talk, he like communication.  Dean often compared him to Sam in that area. 

If it wasn’t going to be the undercover op—he trusted Dean and wanted to believe that he would come to him with his final decision—it would be something else that would tear them apart.  He was losing his husband.  He knew it; he could feel him slipping away if he hasn’t already.

His obsession with this strings of murders was alarming.  He spent most of his night reviewing his notes from the crime scenes.  He was still trying to find a meaning for the symbols he’s  _insisted_ he’s seen before. 

“You’re too headstrong for your own good, Dean,” Cas mumbled from his spot by the coffee machine in the squad room.  He was watching Dean sat at his desk, looking at groups of photos.  He had been assigned to the front desk today, while Dean was on desk duty.  

Despite the fact that he felt Dean was still sneaking around, they were on a good stretch.  They weren’t snapping at each other when they went home.  The couple of times they passed each other around the precinct, they smiled and joked. 

A sad smile appeared on the younger man’s face.  These were the times where he felt like they were back in the early years of their marriage.  He knew it wasn’t going to last—they never did.  One of them would say or do something wrong, and then it would be a month or so of tense conversations and angry sex.

“Novak!” a clipped tone snapped from the side of the room. 

He turned to see Crowley standing outside his office, leaning over the railing. 

“I’m not paying to stand around, drink coffee and fantasy about your island getaway.  Back to work!”

The younger officer rolled his eyes and turned to his boss.  “Technically, you’re not the one paying any of us.”  He walked by the Staff Sergeant, tossing his paper cup in a waste bin.

The senior officer glared, but didn’t respond.  He watched Castiel leave the room, glancing over the room to Dean.  Cas thought he was being subtle as he watched his partner.  Honestly, those two weren’t fooling anyone.  Or if they were, then those who believed their bullshit were stupid and should be picking up trash by the highway instead. 

Eight years was a long time.  While he didn’t understand the need for such a union, he had to give it to them, playing enemies was a great way to throw everyone off their scent.

“That better not be a dating site you’re on, Winchester,” he called out as Dean moved his mouse over the desk.  “You’re not here to keep your love life up-to-date.” 

Dean replied with a raised hand over his shoulder and a single finger lifted.  He didn’t even break his concentration from his screen.

“One of these days, you’re going to get fired for that.”  Kevin chuckled from his spot across from Dean.  “How do you even get away with that?”

“You build up to it.  Took me about three weeks.”

The younger officer snorted.  “Yeah, because it’s you.”  Kevin’s only been with 23 for seven months.  He was still finding his place.

“Nah. Trust me.  He’ll say something to you, you’ll tell him to screw off, and then you just go from there.”

“I started with Chuck.  Kind of accidentally told him I’d run him over with the squad.  I thought he was going to write me up for that one.”  That had been during the second last week he rode with Chuck.  Surprisingly, the officer had laughed.

“If it had been anyone else.  Chuck’s probably one of the best TOs.  He’d let you all run around with scissors.”

“Yeah.”  Kevin nodded in agreement, smiling.  “He kind of just throws you in head first.”

The older man smirked and glanced back to his computer.  He exited the current web page and opened another result.  “Kind of reminds me of my TO.”  It had been years since he last thought of the old officer who taught him basically everything he knew.  It had almost been eight years since he last saw him.

“And who trained you?”  The younger officer was intrigued now.  He really liked Dean, especially since he treated him like he wasn’t a rookie, for the most part.  It was nice feeling welcome in a place where partnerships were already well established.

“Uh-” his lips formed a tight smile “-Marv Barclay.”  Kevin’s eyebrows raised in confusion, which was expected, the ex-cop was before his time.  “He’s not exactly one of those cops you talk about after ‘retirement’.  Had a bad history with the force.”

“What did he do?”  He honestly had never heard of the man, and judging by Dean’s tone, it wasn’t pleasant.

“That’s an extensive list.  Twenty-five years with the NYPD; multiple complaints, missing evidence, unusual behaviour and four transfers before he was let go.  Didn’t go down easily from what I heard.”

He still remembered the day Marv had left, going over to First.  It had only several months after the unannounced transfer that he had been fired.

The behaviour had been the worst part.  Long hours in the car with his TO had not been pleasant after the first couple of weeks.  The way the man used to talk, had sounded more like a cop trying to do good. 

Cas used to joke that the former cop used to have a crush on him.

**2008**

_“Well, who can blame him, you are quite sexy in that uniform, Officer Winchester.”  Cas winked flirtatiously as Dean pulled on his boots.  They were on opposite rotations this month, and while Dean had mornings, Cas suffered the night shifts alone._

_Dean glared up, but couldn’t help the smile that came next.  He really hated when they couldn’t ride together or when they hardly saw each other.  It felt like they were invisible to each other._

_*****_

_“Flattery’s not gonna get you anywhere, Novak.”  He stood up and grabbed his coat._

_“’Novak’,” Cas challenged and took a step forward.  “Don’t usually hear that unless I am at work.”_

_“Sorry-” Dean stood up, closing the distance between him and Cas “-Winchester.”_

_The younger man hummed, wrapping his arms around his lover’s waist.  “Better.”  He tilted his chin up, lightly kissing Dean on the lips._

_Castiel had been the one who instead on changing his name.  While Dean thought it would be easier for them to keep their marriage quiet had Cas kept his name.  Professionally Cas is Castiel Novak; personally, he was Castiel Winchester._

_“You need to leave,” the younger man sighed, smoothening out a nonexistent wrinkle in Dean’s shirt.  “Don’t want to get desk duty because you’re late.”_

_Dean chuckled and reached down for his bag.  “Especially when Marv said he’d pay for lunch.  No way I’m passing up free food.”_

_Cas felt a tight feeling crawl into his chest.  Marv had been Dean’s training officer and current partner, and a little too obsessed with Dean if Cas was being completely honest.  It was like the man nearly lived in their lives with how much Dean talked about his former TO.  And not in a good way._

_23 was Marv’s fourth division in twenty-five years, and not by choice.  He also gave Cas the creeps whenever he was forced to talk about him.  The most noted time was two months ago when Cas had decided to say ‘hi’ to Dean and Marv showed up.  It turned into a ten-minute debate over gang rings.  Which Marv shared a little too much passion for._

_Castiel was almost certain that if it weren’t for Marv’s obsession over breaking the drug trade, the dude would be on drugs._

_“Just be safe.”  Cas smiled up at his husband, mirroring his expression._

_“’S fine, Cas.  Always am.”  It was a bit of a lie and they both knew it.  If anyone was going to get shot it was going to be Dean.  They kind of made it into their own morbid joke, one Sam did not approve of._

_*****_

_Dean has been partnered with Marv again—unsurprising.  Their staff sergeant was on a trial run of keeping partners consistent to the duration of their rotation.  It was nice having some expectation of what the day could be.  It also sucked when your partner was starting to grate your nerves._

_This would be the third shift Dean would ride with Marv, and as appealing as free lunch was, he really wasn’t in the mood to spend six hours discussing corruption in the NYPD’s gang department.  Each day was something new, and each day Dean came closer to the conclusion that the man wanted to single-handedly run 23—if not the whole NYPD._

_Marv pulled out from the station as Dean adjust his seatbelt, wondering when the peaceful silence would be broken.  The record was three minutes and that was because Dean had once complained about a headache.  He didn't mind some conversation with his partner, but the man talked and talked.  And it was never pleasant chatter.  The other week the officer had gone on a rant about gang leaders becoming more reckless. The point of leading a gang is to inflict fear in rival gangs and the city without giving yourself away.  Dean was almost wondered if the guy regretted becoming a cop.  He was interested in some pretty illicit shit._

_It was exactly two minutes down the street when Marv finally spoke.  He glanced out his side window, pasting a bistro_

_*****_

_“I could go for some breakfast!  How 'bout it, Winchester?”  He grinned over at the younger man, the smile split widely across his face._

_“I-I'm actually good,” Dean answered, holding up his cup of coffee from earlier.  “Had something before I came.”   Cas had actually cooked breakfast for them, which was one of the very few perks of being on alternative shifts._

_Marv huffed and drove through the green light.  “Fine.”  He sounded aggrieved and whiny, but Dean continued to look straight ahead.  “I was up all night looking over the files on the Kennedy case.  I didn't get a chance to eat.”_

_“You can stop.  I'm not hungry.  Never said you couldn't eat”  The younger officer barely suppressed an eye roll._

_“It's fine!  It's fine,” Marv smiled falsely.  “So, have you picked up any news?  Rogers suggested we take a break and just keep an out for anything, but I don’t agree._

_Dean pursed his lips and looks down at his cup.  “No.  Not since yesterday.  When we went through all recent people booked for drug possession.  Or when we dug up McMillan’s file.”_

_This whole case was getting on Dean's nerves.  He wished they could find something to blow the case open to get Marv off his back.  It wasn’t fun.  Hitting dead ends three times in one case was always frustrating, but having a partner who was ready to jump right back in without making it almost unbearable._

_“Hmph.  Well, we'll catch 'em.  They've gotta slip up some time, and when they do-” the shorter man clenched a fist and let out a low laugh._

_Maybe he was more than hungry.  The need for a good sleep was Dean’s next suggestion._

_“Sir, with respect,“ Dean really just wanted to tell Marv to settle the fuck down.  He was still a rookie, so he wasn't stupid enough to mouth off to his superior.  Especially one that probably was a psychopath in a former life.  “We really shouldn't be digging into this until detective Rogers gives us further instructions.”_

_Sometimes he felt like Marv forgot they were patrol officers and not detectives.  They couldn't just go digging behind the assigned detective's back._

_“There’s no harm in being dedicated,” the man replied reproachfully.  “It's great to really nail something once in a while, get out from behind this steering wheel.”  He tipped his chin up and sniffed contemptuously.  “I swear they don’t clean these after each shift.  It smells of hot Cheetos in here. I need some excitement! I'm bored and tired”_

_Dean knew he was treading in dangerous waters.  Sometimes the smallest thing could set his partner off, especially when they didn’t see eye-to-eye._

_“We don't make a move until we have been told otherwise.  And we could always stop for something to eat.”  He gestures to a coffee shop on his side.  Frankly, he just wanted Marv's mind always from the fucking drug ring._

_“Yeah, yeah,” Marv huffed.  He stopped at a red light, moving his hand off the steering wheel to rub at his right forearm—a black and red tattoo, fairly fresh and a little scabby marred the skin._

_Dean sighed and rubbed his budded his forehead with his right hand.  He took a deep breath before turned to his partner.  His eyes flickered down, catching sight of his marked up forearm.  That was new.  “Got a tattoo?”  In the short few months, Dean had spent with his former TO, he would never have suspected the officer to get a tattoo._

_Marv glanced down at his arm, placing it back on the wheel.  “Oh yeah!  My first one.  I figure all the kids are doing it these days.”  The light turned and the cruiser pushed forward._

_Dean’s eyes remained fixed on the designed etched in his partner’s arm.  Marv started to hum some obnoxious show tune, still aware of his rookie’s interest._

_“It's-uh-interesting,” Dean spoke up, arching a surprised eyebrow.  “Stand for anything?”  Marv may be impulsive, but he valued meaning._

_There was a short pause before Marv spoke again.  “Silly, really—it's an archaic symbol for ‘banishing angels’.   Saw it in a book once and thought it was, ya know, cool!”  He put too much emphasis on the word 'cool' and Dean bit the inside of his cheek to keep silent.  “So I got it.”_

_“It-it's—okay.”  Dean managed a tight smile.  Even though the tattoo was obviously still fresh, the angry red marks surrounding the black made the symbol look almost dangerous, entirely like its supposed  “purpose”.  A cold feeling crept up his spine.  Marv was always attracted to power._

*****

_**Present Day** _

“No one’s ever mentioned him.”  Kevin looked thoughtfully, trying to recall any names of former cops he’s heard over time.  Marv didn’t ring any bells.

“No one ever does. Was all Crowley.”  He had spent the better part of a year erasing all traces of the disgraced officer from 23.  “We got him ‘cause no one else wanted him.  Didn’t play well in the sandbox.  He was also into all this angel lore shit.  Here.”  Dean turned his monitor around, having pulled up a group photo from his personal email.  Several men and woman in uniforms stood together outside a building.  Dean was in the middle of the photo, standing between Benny and a much shorter man Kevin didn’t recognize.  “That’s Marv.”

“Ah.”  The man didn’t look like a cop.  Sure, he was in the uniform, but everything about his smile, stance, and position in the photo was off-putting.  His arms were crossed defensively across his chest, and his smile didn’t hold the same lightness as everyone else’s.  He was also the only one wearing sunglasses.

“This was taken about a month before he was transferred to First.  Wasn’t any easy move, and even more tedious task to erase him.”  Dean glanced back at the screen, turning it around again.  “But what division doesn’t have a crooked cop?  He left and we-”  Dean cut off when his spotted the black mark on his right forearm.

 “And?” Kevin prompted, studying Dean peculiarly.  He was muttering to himself and clicking furiously on his mouse.  “Dean?  You okay there?”

Dean quickly zoomed in, blurring the picture, but that was okay, he didn’t need it to focus.

_“Saw this in a book.”_

Dean remembered the time back in the cruiser.  The image of the tattoo was always a blur in his memory.  No matter how hard he tried to focus he just couldn’t visualize the design.   It never mattered though until now.  Yet, even as a black blob in the photo, Dean could see the symbol clear as day.  It was also because he’d seen it painted in blood at three crime scenes.

Then there was the time they had talked about personal signatures.  It had been about two months before Marv had been shipped off to First precinct, and Dean had tried to stay as far away from Marv as possible.  Yet, one unfortunate afternoon shift had found Dean working the front desk with his former TO.

*****

**_2008_ **

_“Signatures need to be unique and exciting.  It has to get people to talk.”  Marv was in the middle of a rant about how most gang signatures are boring and unoriginal.  Or how some gangs don’t even bother with a calling card._

_“They’re all so tiring.  If they want to make a name for themselves they have to give us something to work with.”_

_Dean had been politely listening to Marv, only nodding or humming when appropriate.  The day was already turning to shit, and he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.  He was just grateful that he and Cas were on the same rotation this month and had the next two days off._

_“Let me tell you, Dean,” he huffed out.  “My signature would be something people would remember.  My name would be something people would talk about.”_

_“What?”  Dean furrowed his brows and glanced over at his partner, staring glancing around cautiously.  The last thing they needed was for someone to overhear Marv’s speech.  That a direct ticket to getting observed.  One more prior and the officer would be off the force._

_“I’ve been thinking of changing my name,” the shorter man said with complete seriousness, which Dean didn’t know if he should be weary or laugh.  “Marv is just so… Ordinary,” the older officer continued “-When I retire, no one will remember ‘Marv Balclay’.  Metatron is a name people will remember though.”_

_What the fuck?  Did this guy smoke something before work?  Wouldn’t be the first time.  Marv once came into work high as a fucking kite and Dean spent the whole day trying to hide it from the staff sergeant._

_“I think that’s insane.  No one at the precinct is gonna call you ‘Metatron.’  Where the fuck did you get that name anyway?”_

_“He’s an angel; the scribe of God.  Fitting, if I do say so myself.”_

_What with all these damn angel names?  Seriously, ever since he met Cas, he’s known more about angels than he would care to admit._

_“Call yourself whatever you want, Marv, but no one will call you that.  It’s not even a name.”_

Maybe Dean should have paid Marv better attention back then.  Maybe he would have made the connection sooner.

 “Dean!” someone snapped, pulling the officer from his thoughts.  He blinked a couple of times and finally focused on his screen, the unauthorized copy of last week’s crime scene. 

“Sorry, Tran, I-uh-need to talk to…”  To Cas.  He stood abruptly from his chair and walked out of the squad room, leaving behind a confused rookie.

*****

_**Present Day** _

Dean rounded the corner, passing booking.  He had intended to find Castiel right away, but first made a trip to the printer.  After Garth had managed to jam the squad room’s printer, a detour to booking was made. 

The photo was folded and tucked in Dean’s pocket.  It burned hot with each step he took.  It also didn’t help that Cas was not in the break room nor the squad room. 

“Lost there, Winchester?” Dorothy chuckled, brushing past Dean with a coffee in her hand.  “Or just fancying a walk?” 

“Ha.  Funny.  I’m trying to find Cas.  You seen him?”  The older officer looked over his shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of his missing husband.

“Mm-hmm,” the female officer hummed around the rim of her cup.  She nodded her head as she lowered her drink.  “Saw him in evidence.  Been doing errands for Hannah.

“Hannah?”  Hannah Johnson was a homicide detective, and obviously interested in Cas.

“I know.  But she asked for help and Crowley assigned him to her.”  It was a bit of a secret that Cas wasn’t crazy for Hannah.  It was amongst a few officers: Chuck, Charlie, and Kevin, so it made sense that Dorothy was in on it.  It also was a little disturbing that Hannah could pass for Cas’ sister.

Dean also knew that Hannah had flirted with Cas on several occasions at their annual holiday and staff parties.  Cas was just too nice to flat out reject her, which led to Hannah oblivious to the fact that Castiel was gay, and also married.  Though, in her defence, they weren’t exactly advertising the latter.

“Right.  Well, thanks.” 

“Anytime!  Now if you’ll excuse me, my partner is waiting for me.”  She nodded once before turning on her heels and continued down the hall.

Unfortunately, when Dean reached booking Castiel was no longer there.  He also wasn’t in the detectives’ office, which he refused to enter when he saw Hannah sat at her desk.  Dean didn’t have anything against—well, he didn’t appreciate the constant affection the woman gave  _his_ husband.

*****

Dean found Castiel in front of the photocopier in the squad room.  Someone must have fixed it as Cas was pulling a small stack of paper from the tray.  He was alone, which was a bonus.  The last thing Dean needed was someone over hearing about him doing some unauthorized digging.  This wasn’t his case at the moment and if word got back to Crowley he could be looking at desk duty for the next week.

He hovered by the stairs, one hand sliding over the smooth, cold metal of the railing, while his other gripped the photo.  The paper was rough against his skin, the edge brushing against his palm. 

Castiel was free—just making copies, and yet Dean couldn’t bring himself to move.  He remained rooted on the spot, eyes following each of his husband’s movements carefully.  It wasn’t until Cas dropped his new copies that Dean finally noticed the small hunch in his shoulder, how slumped his posture was.  To anyone else, Cas would look normal, but Dean could tell he was tired—exhausted.  And he knew why. 

Things were still tense at home.  They talked, but they carefully avoided work related topics, mainly Castiel.  Cas was never good at hiding his worry.  He may not wear it on his face, but he’d let little signs show.  Dean couldn’t do that to him.  He already fucked up with the forms, and now with Marv, it probably wasn’t a subject his husband would be willing to have.

At the same time, keeping another secret from Cas would probably end in an even worse fight, and Dean really didn’t want that.  They already fought of such petty things.  They couldn’t go a week without disagreeing on something.  Where did the go wrong?

But right now, Cas was worn down and exhausted.  Dean pushing his new theory and findings would just mount to the shit he’s been dealing with.

No, he’d wait.  He will tell Castiel.  This wasn’t something he was going to keep a complete secret, but he was going to give him time.  He deserved that.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

Dean was never particularly a big fan of snow.  It was one of the main reasons he hated New York in December.  Holidays and the festivities were always pleasant, but adding snow quickly soured the mood.  One little snowfall in the city and people started to drive like paranoid idiots.                                                                

Just after Christmas, they had been hit with a snow storm that left the city covered in white.  It hadn’t been the worst they’ve had, but it certainly made people drive much slower.  Snow in New York made the torturous traffic nearly unbearable.

Dean was slowly crawling to work, AC/DC playing quietly in the car.  It was three days after Christmas and was the first shift Dean had without Castiel.  Occasionally one would have a shift while the other was off, but that happened maybe once a month.  He also had to meet with Benny to discuss the final detail of the undercover OP.  That was another issue.

He still had yet to find the time to tell Cas that he was actually going.  After the confrontation about the forms, neither of them brought up the subject.  It still hung over their heads each time they were in a room together.  They both knew they had to talk, but neither wanted to be the first to speak up. 

Then there was Marv.  Since the holidays happened right after, Dean still needed to find the time to tell Cas about what he figured out.  He wasn’t trying to keep it from his husband, but every time he tried to bring the subject up, he was interrupted by a phone call, being called out or Cas being too busy to listen.  It was like the universe was trying to tell him not to. 

Too many secrets were beginning to pile up now, and Dean would be lying if he said he wasn’t slowly suffocating.  Everything about his life was almost a lie now, and he a little terrified with how it came about. 

The truth about him and Cas were only ever supposed to be for a couple of years, just until they sorted themselves out at 23.  Then two years became three, and three became five, and now, was it even worth speaking up now?  What would everyone think?

 “Shit,” Dean grumbled when he felt a heavy weight settle in his stomach.  “Shit, shit.  Fuck.”  Honestly, he couldn’t do this anymore.  He couldn’t be around Cas without feeling crippling guilt.  Cas was far too forgiving for his own good.  He left even the biggest thing slide when it came to Dean.  He let him off with the applications.  Though, he kind of suspected that Cas would ask about them again later; he didn’t continue to push. 

He knew it would have to happen at some point.  It wasn’t fair to Cas.  And fuck, he’s husband had been nothing but patient with him.  He’s fucking so much up right now and it’s eating him up. 

He didn’t regret hiding the forms from Cas, but he regretted how he found out.  He also knew he’s an ass for still not coming clean, about Benny, Marv, and their marriage.  It was all going to come out eventually whether they planned it or not, but for now, Dean wanted to hold onto the familiarity for as long as he could.

*****

The end of the year always represented change at the precinct.  Not only was a new year about to start, but it was also when they would say goodbye to a couple of fellow cops and welcome several more.  This year, two patrol officers and a superintendent were retiring in January, and two rookies were slated to start.

“I heard they were starting next week,” Charlie spoke, walking through the garage with Dean, her partner for the day.  “At least that’s what Anna told me.  I think the one’s been on the force before.  Still new, but not fresh out of the academy.” 

“Been a while since we’ve gotten fresh blood.  Not since you, Tran,” Victor chimed in, throwing his arm around the boy’s should.  “’Bout time.”

Kevin chuckled quietly and shrugged the other officer’s arm off.  “Will be nice to not be known as the ‘new kid’.”

Dean stopped at their assigned car, opening the trunk to place his bag away.  “Wishful thinking, ‘new kid’.  You don’t lose the rookie title ‘til we deem fit.”

Charlie chuckled and placed her bag next to Dean’s.  “You’ll still be our rookie, Tran.”

“Oh fuck you.  Chuck told me-”

The three officers laughed loudly, drowning out Kevin.  The all shared amused looks much to the annoyance of the youngest officer.

“You always listen to your TO?”  Dean arched his brows teasingly, walking over to open his door.

“Chuck goes by the book, dude.”  Charlie snorted, adjusting her coat.  “You official lose your title in the eyes of higher uppers, but we decide when you lose it amongst us.  Like coming of age.  It’s not a specific time, it’s just-” she shrugs her should all too pleased with herself “-It just happens.”

“I hate you all.”  Kevin glared, with no real heat behind his words.  He’s used to the ridicule. “You all suck.”  He shouldered his bag and walked off, leading Victor to their car.

“That kind of attitude isn’t going to win you favours!” Dean shouted before getting into the car. 

“Someday he’s gonna kick your ass, and I’ll be there with a bowl of popcorn.  You’re asking for it.”

“You were right there with me!” Dean argued, breathing out a small laugh.  “And it wouldn’t be a day without giving the kid a hard time.  It’s what we do.”  He pulled the cruiser onto the road carefully.  They were warned about temperatures dropped throughout the day and to be mindful of icy roads.  Dean really hated December.

“And what about Cas?  Still giving him the rookie treatment?” Charlie faced Dean, cocking her head to the side. 

Dean wasn’t sure if it was a joke or a jab, but something about her words rubbed him the wrong way.  He didn’t treat Cas _that_ badly.  Did he?

Instead, he snorted and rolled his eyes.  “What Novak and I have is different.” _Much different._

Charlie gave a small tip of her chin, letting out a quiet ‘ah’.  “Is that what you call it?”

“And why does it matter?”  Dean turned right at the lights; his hands gripped the wheel a little too tightly. 

“I don’t know.”  It was the truth.  It was a question out of the woman’s mouth before she could stop herself.  But now that it was out there, she was curious.  “It’s just sometimes you are so hot and cold with him.  You can go from treating him like he’s your partner to treating him like a rookie, and it’s strange.”   She pulled her water bottle from the cup holder, unscrewing the cap.  “I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve seen Cas do it to you too.  I just don’t get what has you two butting heads all the time.”

Dean didn’t answer.  He didn’t have an answer.  Hell, he didn’t even have one for himself.  He wasn’t even sure what irritated him about Cas.  It may not even be about Cas but about their situation.  The thing is, so much of their life have joined together, Dean couldn’t even figure out what’s was a work issue compared to a marital issue. 

“Believe me, if I knew, it’d sure help.  We just don’t work well together.”  They were silent for several long minutes, letting the city pass by.  “Why don’t we talk about something else?  New Year’s Eve plans?”

Charlie gave Dean a small, sad smile.  Dean was almost certain she knew he was hiding something, but he knew he hadn’t given enough away for the pieces to fall together.  He was still safe.

*****

“You should head out soon,” Castiel sighed, cleaning off the coffee table as Dean came out of their room, dressed in jeans and dark red button down left open with a black t-shirt underneath.  “It’s still snowing, and I bet traffic it going to be crazy.”

In the past, Dean and Cas would spend New Years by themselves or with Bobby.  This year, it was Dean going, while Cas was heading uptown to Lucifer’s.  It wasn’t something they even discussed, and it still felt foreign to separate.  Dean wanted Cas there.  Not having Cas would cause more questions from Bobby and Jo.  Not to mention John.  This was his first New Years celebration since his release, and Dean was almost sure that his father was expecting his son-in-law to be at the _Roadhouse_.

“Yeah.  I am.  Just had to call Sam.”  Dean fiddled with the ends of his shirt, staring down at his hands before looking up at Cas.  “You heading out soon?”

Castiel smiled and shook his head.  “No.  Lucifer won’t let anyone come over until after seven.”  He still had two hours, but with Dean leaving soon he was going to be bored.  “Don’t know why.  It’s just going to be me and a couple of his friends from the shop.”

Really, he didn’t know why he’d agree to go to his brother’s party.  He wouldn’t know anyone there.  He was half tempted to call Gabriel and ask to spend the night with him, or, he was debating begging Dean to let him join Bobby.  Yet, the apocalypse seemed more likely.

“Gabe’s not going?”

“No.  Said he wanted more of a quiet night in.  Something about a stressful shift or something.”  Cas stood up and walked over to Dean, placing the stack of paper on the side table.  “Personally I think he’s ‘getting lucky’.”

“Sounds boring.”  He really should invite Cas.  They were getting along today, and he knew how much Cas loved Jo and Bobby, even though Bobby scared the shit out of him for years before he began to understand the man.  Even John had dropped hints about wanting to meet Cas again.  That was probably the strangest conversation he had had with his dad.

Castiel shrugged and grinned at the other man.  “Most likely will be.  It’s Lucifer; he wasn’t Gabe’s wingman for years for nothing.  I probably won’t even stay until midnight.”  He stepped closer to Dean, arms now crossed over his chest. 

“Yeah,” Dean gasped out, suddenly feeling like his throat was closing up.  He had to do this.  He could do this.  This wasn’t new, they’ve done this before.  But... Something stopped him.  It seemed almost taboo to extend the invite now.  They had pulled away so much from each other this past year.  Neither knew if they still stood on the same grounds or if the once carefully constructed routine was shattered.   “I-I guess I’ll see you later then.  See you in the New Year.”

Dean let out a heavy exhale and slowly backed away.  Cas’ face remained, the small smile barely dropping in disappointment. 

“Um, sure.  Yeah,” Cas sputtered out, grin now tight and forced, stretched across his face.  “See you in the New Year.”

“Hey.  That’s my line.”  They stayed staring at each other for a long moment.  Neither made a move forward nor back.  They each waited for the other.  Cas inhaled sharply and took a fraction of a step forward just as Dean stepped back.  _Oh._

“I’ll, um—have fun at your party,” Dean rushed out, feeling uneasy about the whole situation.  He turned around and grabbed his coat before leaving the house, barely hearing Castiel’s quiet ‘say hi to Bobby.’

Dean made it down to the parking garage and into the Impala before he dropped his head back and groaned.  He was an idiot.  He was a prick.  He knew Cas had wanted him to take him to Bobby’s.  He had wanted that too.  But the way Castiel had looked at him made him lose his nerve.  Imagine getting psyched out because your husband smiling at you.  Fuck.  He didn’t deserve any of this.

He was tempted to go back up or text Castiel, but he never moved.  The moment was gone, and he knew Cas would say yes.  He couldn’t.  He didn’t want to think about this right now.  He was on his way to a party.  Tonight was meant to be a fun time.

                                                                                                 *****                                  

Castiel didn’t end up going out that night, and it wasn’t because of Dean.  He never wanted to go to Lucifer’s, to begin with.  He only said he would go because it beat ringing in the New Year's home alone. 

After Dean left Cas called Lucifer, giving a bullshit excuse of not feeling well.  It was weak, but Lucifer would have dragged him to the party if he said he wasn’t in the mood, and if he couldn’t lie about being with Dean.  Lucifer could always tell when he lied.  Well, pretty much everyone in his family could, but that was beside the point. 

A tight feeling settled in his stomach as he thought about Dean.  He was sure that Dean had been about to invite him.  He knew.  But something last minute shifted in Dean’s mind, and in a second, the openness they both had shared closed up. 

It wasn’t fair.  Why was this a thing for them?   Did Cas damn someone in a previous life to be sentenced this life?  All he ever wanted was a life with Dean—one without hiding who they were.  He loved Dean so much.  He would do anything for his husband.  He’d take a fucking bullet for the man, and Dean couldn’t even offer an invite to a family event.  A family who has been Cas’ family for ten years. 

Pain stabbed his heart as he curled up on the couch in a loose black t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants that used to be Dean’s but had ended up in Cas’ possessions years ago.  That never happened anymore.  What was Dean’s stayed Dean’s.  What was Cas’ stayed Cas’. They didn’t share clothes anymore.  Only what they had in the past.

Growing up, after losing his parents so early, and coming to terms with his sexuality—which had been the most terrifying experience of his life—changed the young Novak.  Being fifteen and realizing you’re looking at boys the way you are supposed to look at girls (as Michael so inconsiderately started when Gabe brought home his _very_ short-term boyfriend one winter break) he considered all the worst possible scenarios.  He had been so sure Michael would kick him out.  Lucifer would laugh at him in disgust.  Gabe, well, he had never been judgemental, but that still hadn’t stopped the visuals of Gabe sneer and turning his back on Castiel in disappointment. 

It had been three months after realizing he was gay when he finally told Gabe, shaking and doing his best not to cry. To his surprise, Gabriel pulled him in for a hug and told him he was proud.  He had let—begged Gabe to tell Michael for him, which Gabe kindly agreed.  He had encouraged Cas to be the one, but his brother had almost caved in on himself at the thought of Michael lashing out that the middle Novak could only agree.  Two days later after dinner, Michael had knocked on Cas’ door. 

Cas cried this time, apologizing, and Michael held him, apologizing for making Cas think he couldn’t talk to him.  While Michael had become an ass in the years since Cas would never again argue that his brother wasn’t there for him growing up.

After having his family’s acceptance, which wouldn’t have changed Cas however they accepted him, though it was nice to have their support, he began to imagine himself married with a man who loved him.

Back when he was younger, he was so sure he would marry at some point in his life.  Ironically he came from a family of brothers who all looked at commitment and marriage as an inconvenience and the end of life.  He wanted to share his life with someone, and he always thought that part of his life wouldn’t come until later... Until he met Dean.

Meeting Dean changed him, and at the time, Cas would have strongly insisted for the better.  Now, however, he wasn’t sure.  At times they would have moments that gave Cas a glimpse of what they once had.  Most times though, Castiel was stuck with the realization that he was living a life he never pictured himself in.  His love for Dean was still as strong as it had been the day he first kissed Dean.  He was almost certain he wouldn’t leave this marriage until Dean told him too.  And that was the utmost terrifying realization Cas ever experience.  He would give up his own happiness for a half life with Dean.  He hated himself so much that he was valuing his worth based on his life with Dean.

He was pathetic, and it was no wonder Dean was growing tired of him.  He could tell the way Dean talked to him.  He could tell each time they were in a room together.  He could tell because Dean hid the forms from him.   He never openly voiced his disapproval on undercover to Dean’s face, and yet Dean decided to hide this.  It sucked.

Sam knew, Bobby knew, and Cas was willing to bet that even John knew Dean was leaving.  When did it come to the point where he was nothing more than background noise in Dean’s life?

He rubbed his left hand absentmindedly, playing with his fourth finger, a habit he broke long ago. 

The New Years was a time to change and start fresh.  It was an excuse Castiel used each time.  Maybe this is the time things would start falling into place.  Maybe this will be the year they start fighting for each other.  Maybe this year will be different and they’ll be happy.  It never was the year.

This time though, Cas knew it would be different, but not for the better.

*****

The snow just started to fall as Dean pulled into the _Roadhouse_.  Several cars were already parked, and he could see Jo by one of the pool tables through the window.  He never liked being the last to arrive, but coming from the city while everyone else was local, he was fighting an unwinnable challenge.

Throwing the car into park, he hurried into the restaurant, and out of the bitter air. He had just stepped through the door when he heard Jo call out.

“Well about time, Winchester.”  She held the pool cue upward and cocked her hip to the side.  “Was beginning to wonder if you landed in a ditch.”

Dean rolled his eyes and greeted Ellen.  “Always with the warm welcomes, Harvelle.”

Ellen chuckled and released Dean.  “Just ignore her.  She already hustled Ash out of next week’s pay.  She’s bored now.”

“And I’m looking for a new victim.  Dean, you’re up.”

“Let the man breath, Joanna.”  Ellen shook her head fondly and led Dean over to the bar.  “Figure you’d like a drink.  Then I’ll let my daughter on you.”  The woman walked around the counter and grabbed a bottle from the cooler.  “Do I need to monitor you tonight or are you staying the night?”

Dean grabbed the bottle and tipped it in thanks.  “Nah, figured I’d stay here.  Heading back home if it’s gonna be chaos.”

“And does Jo know you’re stealing her extra room?”  Usually, Dean would stay a Bobby’s, but Dean still wasn’t comfortable with long visits with John.  In October Jo had finally moved out of Ellen’s house and found a two-bedroom apartment.  Dean stayed there once after agreeing to meet with John, which resulted in him getting a little more than tipsy, and Bobby calling Jo to pick him up. 

“Gonna have to play for your room and board, dude.  Come on; one game.”  Jo slid up next to Dean, a challenging smile playing on her face.  “Twenty dollars.  I win, I get your money and you can stay.  You win, I get my twenty back and you stay for free.”

Dean was certain that Jo would let him stay with her anyway, but he decided to humour her.  “Deal, Harvelle.  Two minutes.  Gotta say hi to Bobby.  Where is he anyway?”  He took a glance around the room, looking for the gruff mechanic.

“In the back,” Ellen answered, now carrying a tinfoil tray of wings over to the table of food they had set up.  “With John.  They’ll be out in a minute.”

Dean couldn’t help but feel hesitation behind her words.  Ellen also was turned toward the back door, her stance protective.  Reading body language was a trait Dean always was grateful for, but it sucked when he read into his family’s.  Sometimes it was nice to remain naive and not feeling dismissed. 

A hand wrapped around his arm and dragged him to the table.  Jo moved around, collecting the balls and racking them.  “One game and I’ll let you enjoy the rest of your night.”

*****

One game turned to three.  Dean won the first game, much to Jo dismay.  Dean was quick to remind her that _he_ was the one who had taught her how to play.  The second game Jo won, but it was only based on a lucky shot, easing Dean’s pride.

By the time Dean planted himself on a stool with his third beer and some food, Bobby wandered over.  They briefly acknowledged each other earlier, but Dean had been in the middle of winning to give a proper greeting.

 “Where’s Cas?”  Bobby took the stool next to Dean, beer in hand.  Jo was now attempting to get in on a game of poker with Nate (a new worker) and Ash.  Ash was arguing over something about cheating, but Dean wasn’t paying attention.  “Ya know the invite is always extended to ‘im.”

Dean continued to stay silent, staring down at his hands.   His phone burned a hole in his pocket.  It vibrated again; Dean’s fingers twitched, resisting the pull to grab it.  It had gone off twice in the last hour, but he reframed from checking it.  If it was Cas, he would feel guilt and anger at himself.  He really should have invited him.  It was probably Sam asking him to wish everyone a ‘Happy New Years’, but that could wait.

“Ye’r not fooling anybody by being silent, boy.  It’s no big secret you and that husband of yours is havin’ problems.  Doesn’ take a genius to be able to read you.”

Dean’s teeth gritted against each other.  Now he remembered why he didn’t bring Cas: the questions.  They would have happened regardless, albeit a little different. ‘why do we never see you?’  ‘How are you and Dean doing?’  ‘you two treating each other okay?’  ‘You should come around more; we miss you.’

It’s always the same and part of the reason Dean stopped telling Cas the plans were for both of them.  Dinner as a family turned into dinner with just Sam.  It was a dick move, and Dean felt horrible.  He was also certain Cas read through each lie, and that made the older man feel even worse.

“He’s at his brother’s,” Dean sighed tiredly, feeling slightly defensive.  Why did they assume it was his fault Castiel wasn’t here?  Just because they were married didn’t mean he controlled his husband.  Which, he kind of did, by omission, but he still decided when Cas was invited to Bobby’s.  Fuck.  He really was a prick.

“Which one?” 

“Like it matters?”  Dean grabbed his beer and finished it in one long pull.  Either way, Cas wasn’t here.  It was New Year’s Eve and he wasn’t sharing it with his husband.

“If he’s with that one in Boston, then yes, it matters.”  Jo walked behind the counter, grabbing Dean’s empty bottle only to replace it with another seconds later.

“You always listen in on other people’s conversations?”  He lifted the bottle in silent thanks.

“Only when they’re interesting.”  A large, teasing smirk pulled at her lips.  But Dean wasn’t laughing.  She sighed and leaned on the bar across Bobby.  “Look, we’re just concerned for you.  Sam’s worried for you.  You two didn’t-”

“So you talked to Sam now?”  Bobby let out a long sigh, shaking his head as Dean openly glared at the female in front of him.

“Idjits,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead.  “Jo, please leave.”

The blonde sighed, taking a long look at Dean before muttering a ‘fine’ and returned to Ash.

“We don’t have to talk to Sam.  You just don’ bring the poor boy around anymore.  Even your dad has commented.”

Dean turned to watch John talking to Ellen and Jody Mills.  “He doesn’t have a fucking right.  ‘S not like-”

“It’s pretty evident that you’re hiding somethin’ if John notices, Dean.”  The older man stared pointedly at Dean, thinning his lips in a tight grimace.  “He’s met Cas once since October.  What’s he suppose’ to think?  You two are slippin’.”

“Well, it’s not like marriage is easy,” the younger man argued, feeling his defences go up.  “We haven’t exactly had an easy time.”

“It also doesn’t help that you won’t be honest about Cas,” the mechanic fired back, a harsh bit behind his words.  “What?”  Dean stared at the man whom he considered more of a father than his own.  “Don’t think Cas doesn’t talk to me?  I call when I know you aren’t around.”

Unbelievable.  Suddenly Dean felt more of sixteen than twenty-eight.  This was his life and Bobby was meddling in it like some untrusting parent.  He had he own life established, and yet Bobby calling in is something he used to do when Dean was in college. 

“What?  You don’t believe me when I say Cas is fine?  That’s bullshit, Bobby, and you-”

“’Course I trust you idjit.  I don’t trust you when it comes to Cas.  You share what will make yourself feel better.  You’re like your father, and before you get all pissy, you are!  You hide information to make sure you ain’t painted bad.”

Dean scoffed and shook his head, glaring harshly at the man next to him.  “I don’t fucking believe this,” he muttered lowly, but loud enough for Bobby to hear.  “This is why I don’t share shit with you.  You Ellen, Jo and Sam love to fucking but in.”

“We’re concern when we hear that you’ve been together how long, and no one besides your family knows about it?  Ain’t normal, Dean.  You refused to tell John because of what he’s done in the past, but now I see that it’s fucked you up more.  How is keeping this fair to the Novak boy?”

“We agreed.”

Bobby grunted and rolled his eyes.  “Not for ten years.  An’ before you go runnin’ your mouth again, Sam told me, but it don’t take a fucking genius to figure out that keeping a relationship a secret for ten years is okay.  You’re doing it because you got too comfortable, while Cas is just desperate to make you happy that he’ll agree to anything you say.  You’re suffocating him.”

They were silent for a long moment.  Dean stared blankly at the puddle of beer on the counter.  His mind raced, jumbling words together to the point where a clear response wasn’t possible.  This was always the response when his family heard that they still haven’t come clean.  But why did it matter?  It wasn’t their life.  If Cas and he were okay with it, shouldn’t that be all that mattered? 

Bobby sighed heavily and turned to face Dean.  Dean needed to hear this and from someone other than Sam.  The boy was too stubborn to listen to Sam who always shared more reason than his brother.  Bobby has seen the boy grow into the men they were.  He knew more about their lives than they gave him credit for.  He was back to pull Dean’s head out of his ass, if only just for a moment.

“You need to let that boy go then.  You can’t keep holding him back just because you are confused.  All this lying is not fair to him or to you.”  Dean opened his mouth to protest, but Bobby pushed on.  “No.  You had your chance.  Ye’r gonna listen to what I have to say.  What you are doing is lying, Dean.  Sam told me about how you want to go for undercover again.  Personally, I think it’s reckless and stupid but, I also know you didn’t tell Cas.  How is that fair to him?”

The younger man felt hot under Bobby’s judging glare.  He was right.  Everything he was saying was true and it made him feel itchy in his own skin.  When did he start leading a shameful life?

“When I see Cas, I see the love he has for you.  The boy practically looks at you like he would risk his own life for yours.  And with you, it’s not there.”

Dean wasn’t expecting it, but those words were like a knife.  His chest suddenly felt tight.  Did he really not love Cas anymore.  Has he gotten to that point where their marriage was routine—comfort?

“There’s love,” Bobby continued on, “but not even close to what you show Sam.  Hell, you show your own brother more love than you do to your own husband.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll! I have two more chapters done and just needs to be edited, so I'm hoping to update again soon. 
> 
> I wanted to have Dean and Cas kiss before Dean left, but it didn't feel right. I felt like it was to force with the way this chapter was planned out. Also, it felt a little random to have them kiss when they are like this.


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a Sam and Gabe chapter. Sorry no Desiel. But they'll be back next chapter. Thia is kind of a filler chapter, so I wanted to get it out and get back to the good stuff. I did have fun with this chapter and this will be the last Sam and Gabe dedicated chapter.
> 
> The next chapter is one of my favourites and can't wait to update it.

It wasn’t that Gabriel was ignoring him; it was just that he was busy and just didn’t have the time.  If he received a text earlier that day and didn’t reply until it was too late, well, it was an honest mistake.  Almost every day Sam texted or called to meet up for lunch or dinner, and every time Gabe knew what he was playing at. He knew Sam wanted to discuss what happened between them.  He knew what he was going to say.  It was why he was saving him time by just avoiding him.

It was a dick move to cancel on Sam for the stage production of _A Christmas Carol_.  Sam had gotten them tickets third from the front, which mustn’t’ve been cheap for him. 

It was terrifying, avoiding Sam.  After most one-night stands, Gabe never had an issue with never speaking to his lover of that night again.  With Sam, he wasn’t just a one-night stand.  He was his brother-in-law’s baby brother.  Not that it made them related, but the situation sure was complicated. 

Then there were the fucking feelings.  In past years, Gabriel prided himself on the fact that he could avoid attachment and feelings with ease.  He tried the whole boyfriend thing with both men and women, and it wasn’t his thing.  He enjoyed meaningless sex every so often when he needed to release the tension, but then he was good until next time.  He liked being alone.

Then Sam came into the picture.  Of course, Sam has been around longer than this past year, but they were never active in each other’s lives until Gabriel had moved to Manhattan.  He waited until he was settled to start hooking up, but the moment never came.  He started talking to Sam, and that sparked their unlikely friendship.

Christ, Sam really was the first person he’d slept with that year.  He couldn’t believe he had stopped sleeping around as soon as he started talking to Sam.  Sam replaced those meaningless nights with phone calls, texts, movie nights and dinner.  If it wasn’t for the fact that they weren’t sleeping together, Gabe would have been convinced that they were dating, and that was... No.  He didn’t date.

But the thought of doing the whole dinner and a movie with Sam as more than friends was greatly appealing and that scared him.

“Fuck, Samuel,” Gabriel groaned and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes.  He rested his elbows on his desk and dropped his head.  Why was the kid so fucking persistent?

On the top of the wooden surface laid Gabe’s phone, open with a new text from Sam, reading: “Mind if I stop by later?  I’d like to talk.”

*****

Sam’s thumb hovered over the send button as he watched the little check mark appear next to his message.  He didn’t know why he was still texting Gabe.  He’d sent ten texts in the past three days and only heard back from him twice, both saying he just got the text and that he was too tired from work.  He didn’t want to seem clingy and desperate, but Gabe’s silence was unusual.

Most of the time they would text each other throughout their day with little comments about how they were doing.  Now, he was lucky if he heard from the doctor at all. 

He worried his lip as he watched the little dots appear on Gabe’s end.  He inhaled sharply, not believing that the man of his distress was actually going to reply to him.  Yet, just as quickly as the flame of hope grew, it was snuffed.  The dots disappeared and didn’t come back.  He waited three minutes, and then five before giving up.

“Fuck it,” he mumbled and turned his phone off so he wouldn’t be tempted to stare at it the rest of the day. 

It was only three days after Christmas and Sam had never lost the spirit so quickly after then he did this year.  Usually, he rode the high that the holidays brought until New Years, but right now, he just wanted all the decorations gone and to be forgotten.  He stupidly got Gabe a present too, thinking they would exchange them after the play.  It was just a small gift—he was still on a budget—but he still wanted to get the man something.  The day came and went with a text from Gabe ten minutes before the show started.  Sam only stayed until intermission before leaving.  It wasn’t much fun by himself.

He tried to meet up with Gabe again the day after, his text went unanswered until the very next day with a bullshit excuse about Gabe having passed out drunk.

He didn’t know what to do.  He couldn’t go to Cas for help and Dean was a definite no.  He could call Spencer, but he was in Connecticut spending the holidays with Conner’s family.  He was on his own for this, and the best he could do is keep trying.

Quickly, he grabbed his coat and rushed to his car.  He still got teased about owning his own car in Manhattan when practically everyone took a cab or the subway, but he liked it.  It was more reliable than the subway and more comfortable than a cab.

The drive to the hospital was an impressive fifteen minutes.  Sam parked his car, feeling a little guilty for taking a spot that someone else might _need_ but if this went how he planned then he wouldn’t be here too long.

He hopped onto the elevator up to the pediatric ward after asking the elderly lady behind the information desk.  He’s never been to Belleview hospital (which was a good thing), so finding Gabe’s department wasn’t exactly as easy as he thought.

It was even proven more difficult when the blonde nurse behind the desk informed him that ‘Dr. Novak was on lunch.’

“I can page him if it’s an emergency,” she offered, studying Sam carefully. 

Sam opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out.  He didn’t want to interrupt Gabe.  He just figured they could talk for a moment, but it seemed like the universe was working against him.  Unanswered calls and texts, and now unable to catch Gabe at work, nothing was working out for him.

“Sir?” the nurse spoke again, arching a slightly judgmental eyebrow with her hand on the phone.  “Would you like me to page him?”

This time the young lawyer found his voice and shook his head.  “No—um, thank you.  It’s all right.”

“I can take a message.  Let him know you stopped by.”  While Jennifer—as it read on her nametag—was being helpful, she slowly began to edge the attention away from him. 

“No.  No, it’s okay.  Thank you for your help,” the man rushed out, already feeling dismissed.  The woman nodded her head, looking back to her work, officially dismissing him.

Sam’s shoulders sagged as he stepped onto the elevator and pressed himself into the corner of the lift.  He sighed heavily and dropped his head back.  Honestly, he wasn’t a person to give up easily, but he knew when he was given a hit. 

He felt defeated.  He felt open and vulnerable.  He had let Gabe in and see a part of him that only Jess had seen.  He was the only one besides Jess and the first one since her.  He felt stupid thinking that the months they had spent getting to know each other had meant something.  Maybe he had read too much into Gabriel’s actions.  Dean always berated him for having too much faith in people.

They were just friends, nothing more, and he had fucked it up by hinting that he wanted more.  No wonder the older man was avoiding him.  Sam had known Gabe since he was sixteen.  In that decade, never had he seen Gabe with someone longer than a few months.  Not that he saw the Novaks much, but Dean or Cas talked about him enough that the young Winchester felt like he knew more about the doctor than he really should have.

He was getting pathetic.  In the short walk to the front entrance, any flash of white had the young man’s heart racing, only to stop when he realized it was someone in white or the wrong doctor. 

Sam had just reached the exit when he heard a familiar laugh.  He froze in place, causing a middle-aged woman to collide into him.  He rushed out an apology without bothering to glance at the woman.  She muttered a few insults under her breath, but Sam was too concentrated to care.

“Gabe!” he called out as soon as he found the mop of golden hair hurry down the hall.  He walked next to a tall woman, throwing her head back in a loud laugh.  He felt a pang of jealousy twist in his gut.  He tried calling out again, but Gabe and the woman only continued to walk away, leaving Sam standing in the middle of the hall alone.

*****

Watching _New Year’s Rockin’ Eve_ , that was as exciting as Gabriel’s night was getting.  It wasn’t like he was paying attention to the show though.  Instead of going to one of his coworkers’ parties like he normally would, he was lying on the couch in front of the TV.  He had a pizza box open with a half-eaten meat lover’s pizza and three empty beer bottles on the coffee table, and a fresh one on the end table near his head.

His phone chimed for the second time in ten minutes.  Groaning, Gabe sat up and reached for his phone on the table, where he had tossed it after Lucifer texted him about the party he was throwing.  That was the last thing he wanted to do: be around Lucifer and his friends. 

He checked the message, but instead of it being from Lucifer like he expected or Cas, it was from Sam. 

_ Is it okay if I come over? _ __ The text read.  Gabriel had received a similar message around ten this morning, asking him if he wanted to come over to his place.  He also had a text from earlier that he ignored, which read _: Since you didn’t reply earlier, I’m asking again.  Do you want to hang out tonight?_  It was now ten-thirty and after twelve hours of silence, Sam was still trying; the kid just didn’t give up.

Since the Dominican, Gabe had nearly cut off all communication.  Sam was always persistent, refusing to take the silence, but Gabe wasn’t giving in, and that was what made him unworthy of Sam.  Sam had even visited the hospital.  The nurse never got a name, but by her description—even without it—he had known it had been Sam.

He knew it was pissing Sam off that he avoided his calls or waiting an unseemly long time to respond to his text.  He would be the first to admit that his behavior was childish, but he was scared.  He was worried about the outcome if they talked.  He was afraid of what Sam would say if he got him alone.  They went from hanging out every week to vague and one-word texts on Gabe’s end. 

Much like earlier, Gabe just placed his phone back on the coffee table and laid back.  He really was a dick sometimes. 

He didn’t realize he dozed off until a loud knock came at his door.  He was almost tempted to not answer it.  It was probably just hisneighbour complaining, _again_.  But for what?  He hasn’t had sex in his apartment in months.  However, Ms. Graham was a bitch and was always digging into his business.

The knocking didn’t relent and finally, Gabriel jumped off the couch.  He grumbled to himself, feeling pissed that his nap was interrupted.  He stalked to the door and yanked it open, ready to give hisneighbour an earful.  He should have checked his peephole.

“What the fuck is your…?” he trailed off when he saw who was at the door.  It wasn’t his thirty-two-year-oldneighbour but Sam Winchester.  He was huddled in a thick brown coat with his hand clenched into fists, hanging at his side.  He cheeks were red and flushed from the cold.  “Hi.”  His voice was only slightly above a whisper.  He shifted awkwardly, refusing to meet Sam’s eyes.

“We need to talk,” Sam said before pushing past Gabe.  His tone was serious and not friendly in the slightest.  Could he blame him?

“Umm, come in?” Gabriel closed the door and followed Sam into the living room, who was examining the mess on the coffee table.  It could have been worse.  “I would have tidied if I had-”

“What’s going on, Gabe?” Sam cut him off, turning to face him.  He didn’t look angry, but more hurt.  His eyes shined with sadness.

Gabriel remained silent for a moment.  He pondered his response; he could be honest or play it dumb.  “Nothing.  I don’t know what you’re talking-” Unfortunately, he chose the latter because he was just a coward.

Sam saw it too and interrupted him.  “Cut the bullshit, Gabriel.”  His tone was harder than before.  His mouth was drawn into a thin line.  “It’s been two weeks and all we’ve done is exchange texts.  You don’t answer my calls and you don’t want to hang out.  What’s going on?”

Gabriel again remained silent. He cleared his throat once.  So many thoughts were swirling in his head, but right at this moment, with Sam standing right in front of him, he couldn’t form a coherent one.

“Did I do something wrong?” Sam pushed on when he figured Gabe wasn’t going to speak.  Maybe this was a mistake.  Maybe this was Gabe’s way for saying their friendship was over.  Well, he could have at least told him face-to-face. 

Gabe looked upfrom the floor and sighed heavily.  “It’s wasn’t anything you did.”

Confusion and anger slowly fell over the younger man’s face.  “Then what?  Was it the fact that we slept together?  Do you regret it?” 

He took a step closer to Gabe, but all the older man didwas step back, stopping Sam. 

“If you regret it that’s fine.  We can forget it.”  He lifted his arms before dropping them heavily against his side.  “But you need to talk to me instead of ignoring me.”

He now looked slightly defeated, Gabriel noted, but that wasn’t what caused him to furrow his brows.  Did Sam think he regretted that night?  That was stupid.  He wanted nothing more than to do it again, this time without the alcohol.  Why would Sam think…that?  Well, it wasn’t like he was making this easy. 

“What? Of course, I don’t-”

“Then why the hell are you avoiding me?  You skipped our plans of going to see _A Christmas Carol,_ you didn’t answer when I asked if you wanted to go out for lunch and you didn’t answer my texts today.  For it not being my fault, you aren’t exactly sending out the right message.”  Sam did a head tilt that strangely reminded Gabe of Cas, though, without the confused face.  Sam looked more lost and in pain.

“It’s just…” He took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts.  They were so scrambled at the moment: reality mixed with truth.  “You just graduated university.  You’re young and just want to have fun.  I’ve done all that.  I’m over thirty.”

“Is that really what you thought that was?  Me having fun?”  Now Sam sounded crushed.  He couldn’t help it.  Did Gabe really think that lowly of him?

Gabe realized his mistake.  Yeah; he wasn’t the best with words. “W-what.  No.  That’s not what I meant.”

Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “It’s what you said though.”  His arms were now crossed across his chest.  “And you’re not _that_ old.  You’re seven years older than I.  It’s nothing to freak out over.”

“It’s not about our ages,” Gabe replied quickly, feeling a little hot around his neck.  Sam wasn’t making this conversation easy.

Sam opened his mouth ready toretort, but was caught off by Gabe’s reply.  His brows furrowed again as he frowned.  “Then why did you say it was?”

Gabriel shoved his hands in his pants pockets and shrugged.  Being the one that usually had the witty comebacks, he was struggling tonight.  “First thing that came to my head.”

There was a light scoff from the younger man as he shrugged off his coat onto to the couch.  He was going to be here for a while.  “Do you always act on your first thought?”  Sam folded his coat over the arm of the couch and looked over at Gabe. 

Sam was trying hard not to sound too pissed, and Gabe, well, he wasn’t too sure how to answer that question. He was pretty sure it was meant to be rhetorical. Answering it probably wouldn’t be a good idea since he was already deep in the hole.

“Live in the moment?” It was a poor attempt athumour and it failed.

“Obviously.” Sam uncrossed his arm and let them drop.

“What’s life without a little fun?” He knew he was being an ass. He could see the hurt that flashed over Sam’s face before he schooled his features.

Sam muttered something under his breath, which Gabe couldn’t hear. But he was almost certain it was something along the lines of “uncooperative bastard”. The Winchester took a seat on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Come on, Gabe. Talk to me, please. Be serious for once.”  His voice was pleading. “And if you say it’s about our brothers, I’m going to kick your ass. You told me that night that is was nothing to worry about.”

“It’s not about them, it’s more about you.” Gabe chanced a glance at the other man. Sam stared at him with a puzzled expression. He opened his mouth tocomment, but wasn’t given the chance. “You were in a relationship for nearly four years, Sam. Seven months is not enough time to get over that. You wanted a distraction.” He looked at the floor, unable to meet the warm hazel eyes he knew were staring at him.

There was a sharp inhale and the sound of movement. Sam stood up but kept a good distance between them. “I don’t think it’s fair for you to decide when the right time for me to be over someone is. It’s been _seven_ months. What if I am ready for something new?”

Those words shouldn’t have made Gabe feel the way he did. A warm feeling spread through him, but he quickly stomped on it. “You’re young, Sam. You think irrationally.”

Sam threw his head back and let out a loud,humourless laugh. “Boy, you’re fucking conceited. I’m not _that_ young. You’re seven years older than I am. I just spent _seven years_ in university. I’m pretty sure I know what I want. And I know you well enough to know that’s not what’s freaking you out. So, what is it, Gabe?” His voice was softer this time, back to its calming tone. “Seriously, did we really become those friends who fucked up our friendship because we screwed each other?”

“We fell into that cliché, apparently,” Gabe joked, trying to relieve some tension, but it failed to calm him.  

Sam narrowed his eyes, trying to piece together everything that was said and left unsaid. “You act like you regret this. Like this was a big mistake and all you want to do is forget. We can if you want.” There was faint sadness in his voice. “But, I thought that you wanted-”

“Of course I don’t!” Gabe said in a rush, finally breaking. God, he was just so tired. He tried so hard to forget it, but he couldn’t. He and Sam had just clicked; it was amazing.

Sam nodded and bit his bottom lip. That wasn’t the response he had expected, but he was glad. “I don’t either, Gabe.” He chuckled when Gabriel’s head shot up, staring at him with a shocking expression. “I don’t. I know our first night together wasn’t exactly orthodox, but-” he shrugged and tipped his head to the side “-I don’t regret it.”

The older man blinked a couple of times, trying to wrap his head around the younger man’s words. This was almost too good to be true. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better. We were both drunk, Sam. I took advantage of the situation.”

“You’re impossible,” Sam scoffed—the smile disappearing from his face. “Get over yourself, Gabriel. I wasn’t _that_ drunk. We had the same amount to drink. We may not have been exactly sober, but we both knew what we were doing. I knew I wanted it.”

There was such sincerity in his voice. Gabe knew he was being honest, but he still didn’t know what to do with this whole situation. He was running out of excuses. Everything he was arguing, Sam debunked. Made sense. The kid was going to be one hell of a lawyer. “So, where does this leave us?”

The two fell silent, both refusing to meet each other’s gaze. Gabe finally looked up at Sam who glanced at the TV, which was still on. The countdown was beginning, but Gabriel wasn’t paying attention. A faint, shy smile pulled at Sam's lips. He took small, careful steps forward.

Gabe was aware of his heartbeat picking up, and he was almost certain that Sam could hear it. He looked up at the man, and his breath hitched. Sam was now standing right in front of him, towering over him. They were barely an inch apart. He wasn’t stupid; he knew what Sam was doing.  He heard the TV: “Twenty, nineteen, eighteen…”

“Tell me to stop,” Sam whispered, leaning forward. “Tell me you don’t want this.” 

Gabe slowly stretched up to reach Sam. He let out a shaky breath. “I can’t,” he breathed. He felt Sam’s left hand fall to his hip as his right cupped his neck. 

Their lips met, not realizing the countdown was still going on. It was slow and careful at first. They were both sober this time and testing it out. Their minds might have been clouded the first time, but the kiss didn’t feel any different. It was right and just perfect. 

Gabe pulled back and gasped. They were both still holding onto each other, breathing hard.  Celebrations and cheering could be heard faintly out in the hall and down the street, but neither man paid attention to them; they were too focused on each other.

It was just a look before they moved forward again. This time the kiss was eager and passionate. Gabe grabbed at Sam’s hair as Sam’s grip tightened on Gabe’s hips, pulling him as close as possible.

“S-Sam,” Gabepanted when they broke for air, only to go back into to the kiss. He knew where this was going, they both knew and he wanted it. Sam was already moving his hand from Gabe’s hip to his t-shirt.

They moaned simultaneously, Gabriel pulling back to take a moment to compose himself. God, it was still the same feeling, but everything seemed to be heightened. They were both eager from the lack of contact the past month, and Gabriel couldn’t be more willing to give Sam what he wanted.

Sam went to work on his neck, sucking lightly, not enough to leave a mark. The action caused the doctor to moan again. His left hand went to Sam’s hair, grasping a handful of soft locks.

“Are you sure about-?” He didn’t finish because Sam's lips claimed his again.

“Gabe,” the younger man said softly as he pulled away just enough so their lips didn’t touch, “for once in your life, stop talking.” 

Sam laughed and Gabe could only assume the face he was making was somehow comical.

The alcohol only allowed him to do what he was too scared to do sober. But it had led them here, so who was he to complain. 

“Gladly,babe.” The endearment slipped, but if anything it only spurred Sam on. 

“O-off.” He tugged at the light fabric of Gabe’s shirt, nearly ripping it over the doctor’s head. Gabe shivered under Sam’s touch, pressing himself into his hand. 

“Eager, Sammy?” Gabriel teased, but even he had to admit he wanted Sam naked and spread out.  His cock twitched at the thought and he reached down to his pants.

“Shut up.” The taller man blushed and batted Gabe’s hand away. “Let me.” He pulled Gabriel’s track pants past his hips and thighs, letting them pool around his lover’s feet.  He wrapped his hand around the older man’s cock, feeling it fit his hand. Fuck. His groans mixing with Gabriel’s moans.

He didn’t wait a second before he dropped to his knees, wrapping his lips around the swollen length.  Both men moaned as Sam began to bob his head, hollowing out his cheeks.

“Christ, Samuel,” Gabriel groaned, tangling his hand in Sam’s hair, needing something to anchor him.  He’s had many men and women suck him off before, but there was something overwhelming about having Sam on his knees. “Fuck.” He moaned lowly as the younger man traces the underside of his cock.  For only having done this a couple of times, Sam was quickly pushing the doctor’s restraint.

Sam’s hands tightened around Gabe’s hips, hard enough that the older man was sure there would be bruises tomorrow, not that he cared. He wasn’t letting Sam slip past him now. He had been stupid and paranoid, but not anymore. 

He nearly seized up, hips losing their rhythm as Sam’s lips tightened around the leaking head, lapping up the beads of pre-cum. The younger man moaned eagerly, moving a hand to cup his cock over his jeans.  _Fuck._

“S-Sam,” Gabriel whined, trying to pull Sam off.  He wanted nothing more than to come down the boy’s throat, but not tonight. He was toopent up to last much longer, and he wanted to come _in_ Sam. “S-stop.  Please.  I-I’m gonna come if you keep that up.”

There was a low groan from Sam, which did not help the current situation.

“Isn’t that kind of the point?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not if I want to be in you first.” Gabriel cupped Sam’s jaw, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on his lip as he helped him up. “Just, not tonight.”

“I’ll be holding you to that, Novak.” Sam quickly pulled his shirt off, tossing it to the side somewhere, dropping his head to quickly kiss Gabe before discarding his pants and boxers in a similar fashion. 

Gabe didn’t reply, too busy letting his eyes run up and down Sam’s body, this time taking in the beauty that was Sam Winchester—standing his apartment—naked and aroused.

“On the couch,” the doctor commanded, giving the taller man a little shove, eager to put his hands back on Sam. 

“No bed?” Sam teased, but complied, laying back on the cushions. Thank God that Gabe owned a couch or he may have just dragged Gabe up to the bedroom. 

“Too far.” Gabriel took a bottle of lube and a condom from the side table.  “And I am too impatient.”

“You keep lube in your living room?”  He’s really not surprised if Sam’s being honest. At this point, there probably isn’t anything that would surprise Sam. 

The older kneeled between Sam’s thighs, which was a tight fit, and Sam had to place one foot on the floor, but they would make it work. 

“It’s practical.  Shouldn’t complain.” He slicked up his fingers and tossed the bottle on the coffee table, next to his forgotten beer bottles. How drastic the night had turned.

“I was—fuck!” Sam cut off with a low groan as Gabe slowly pushed one finger in. “Fucking tease.Little warning.”  He wiggled a little, pushing himself down more as the shock passed and desire for more took over.

The older man grinned and slowly thrust his finger a couple of times.  He pressed a second finger to his lover’s rim, waiting for permission this time.  With a ‘more Gabe; come on’, the doctor slid another finger in.  He kept the pace slow and teasing, dragging it out for Sam as much as possible. 

The older man cursed and moaned, pushing down on Gabe’s hand, trying to create more friction.  “Gabe quit teasing. You made me stop so you could fuck me, so fu-”

 Gabriel didn’t let him finish his sentence.  He pushed a third finger and started a faster pace. He curled his fingers every other thrust, lightly brushing Sam’s prostate.

“S-shit. I’m ready, Gabe. Please, stop teasing and just fuck me.”  He pulled at Gabe’s wrist, still grinding down on his hand. 

“No patience, Samuel,” Gabetsked, but even his voice was beginning to strain.  He was already on edge, and teasing Sam didn’t help his situation.

“You say that next time someone teases you.”

Gabe grabbed the condom and tore the foil. “You mean you?” He wasn’t planning on giving Sam up anytime soon. Not after this –he couldn’t.

Instead of replying, Sam grabbed Gabe’s wrist again.  “I sure hope.”  He bit his lip as Gabe rolled on the condom on.

“That’s a promise” He grabbed the lube and slicked up his cock. “Ready?” he spoke quietly, locking eyes with Sam.  The younger man gave a small nod before Gabriel started pushing in.  Both moaned, Sam tightened his arms around Gabe and lifted his leg off the floor, hooking it over Gabe’s hip.

It was just like the first time. Both breathing a lot harder and Gabe’s face buried in Sam’s neck. He gritted his teeth as he bottomed out.

“Fuck, you’re tight.” 

No shit.  This was only the second time Sam’s done this, but fuck, he felt so good wrapped around him.  Gabe was struggling to stay still, wanting nothing more than to pull back and shove himself back in, but he waited. He wanted to have fun here.

“Mmm. God,” Sam gasped, raking his nails down Gabe’s back. He tried to rock his hips to gain some movement, but Gabe held them down.

“Patience, Samuel.” Gabe chuckled, using everything in his power to not sound as desperate or out of breath as he was feeling. It wasn’t easy staying still with Sam clenched tightly around him. He’s pretty sure his head would be spinning if he was some inexperienced virgin.

A low groan rumbled deep in the younger man’s throat and he tipped his head back, clenching his eyes.   “Gabe, ugh.” His voice has desperate and pleading. 

“What do you want, baby? Speak up.”

“Quit being a fucking tease and move your ass.” Sam gritted his teeth, trying to figure out the best way to flip them without landing them on the floor.

Gabe didn’t need to be told twice before he pulled back and gently thrust back in. The slow gentle pace didn’t last long. Soon both men were panting hard, a light layer of sweat covered their bodies as the couch slid just slightly over the floor. Yeah, he’ll probably be hearing from Ms. Graham, but fuck it. Like he could care when he had Sam moaning and withering beneath him.

“G-Gabe!” Sam cried out as Gabe nailed his prostate again. Sam had lost all ability to speak eloquently and now was just a mess of ‘Fuck’, ‘Gabe’ and ‘Oh God”. His cock was flushed red and dripping on his stomach. “I-I’m c-c—shit.  Close.”  He threw his head back and groaned. 

“Gonna come, baby? Come on my cock?”

“Gabe, please!” A shaky hand wrapped around Sam’s cock, but Gabe quickly smacked it away, wrapping his own hand around the man’s leaking cock.  It twitched in his hand and Sam whined.  He fucking whined.

“Let go,babe. I know you’re close, Sam. Come for me.”  Gabriel felt the heat build up in the pit of his stomach.

Two tugs to Sam’s cock and the man cried out, spilling over Gabriel’s hand. 

“Shit, Gabe.” 

Gabe moaned, nearly coming as Sam tightened around him.  He lasted two more thrusts before coming, releasing himself deep in Sam.  “S-shit,” he chuckled, lying over Sam’s damp chest. 

“Mm-hmm,” Sam hummed, weakly nodded. “Definitely not complaining.” Sleeping with Gabriel again certainly had crossed his mind earlier, and he was more than pleased that Gabe gave in to him.

“We should clean up.” _And then sleep._ He was exhausted and wanted to curl up in his bed with Sam. 

“Might need a little help,” Sam chuckled, slowly pushing up as Gabe slid off of him.  He groaned and stood up.  The aches in his muscles were definitely worth it. They both still had a lot of talking to do, but for now, it could wait until after a shower and some well-earned rest.


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, usually, I don't update this quickly, but I had to today. This is the day where I started to write Surender in Blue three years ago. I can't believe how much this story has evolved. When I first began to write this, I never thought I would get this far and have the whole story planned out. I just want to thank you all for all you support and encouragement.

It was only a couple of days since New Year’s Eve, and Cas was sure something shifted between them. Not like things weren’t constantly changing between them, but everything felt off. If skirting around each other wasn’t enough, they were about to go on opposite rotations, which they haven’t been on since March. 

Dean was going on evenings, while Cas remained on mornings. It was the worst rotation they could be on. The only time they would see each other would be when Dean got home if Cas was lucky enough to still be awake, or just before the end of Cas’ shift. These rotations were the hardest, having to rely on texting or phone messages to communicate. 

Cas sighed and folded the piece of paper, placing it in his locker. The holidays were well over, and it was back to routine. It was the start of his last week on days with Dean and what better way to start than to be partnered with Dean?

“You’re late,” Cas said in lieu of a ‘hello’ as Kevin breezed through the locker room door. The locker room was empty—all officers either had left for home or were paired up. Cas had only taken a moment to drop off his new schedule.

The younger man groaned and dropped his bag heavily on the bench in front of his locker. “Accident on Broadway. Took a half hour to drive three blocks.”

Kevin unluckily had been assigned nearly the farthest precinct possible, living up in East Harlem. 

“I don’t understand why you take a taxi. Take the subway or just move.” 

“Ha! Says the guy who owns a car. Really, who owns a car in Manhattan?” Kevin snickered as he pulled off his t-shirt. “Plus, I still have two months on my lease.” 

Cas smirked and leaned against his locker. “I own a car because I actually travel outside of the city. Queens isn’t exactly fun to get to by taxi.”

“And what’s in Queen’s?” Kevin’s smile perked up.

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek to keep from reacting. He was constantly on edge when people pushed about his personal life. He worked with cops; they knew how to read people. One wrong slip up and everything could fall apart. Not too likely. It’s been years, and people still haven’t clued in, but Dean’s paranoia never helped, so they were constantly on guard.

“Nothing. Family.” 

“Your family lives in the city, Novak. Or did you forget?” He smirked up at Cas, finishing tying his shoes.  “Something else dragging you there—someone?”

The older officer groaned and opened his eyes. “You’re worse than, Dean. Better get out there before Crowley sticks you on permanent desk duty.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He followed Castiel out of the change room. “And I have at least three minutes before Crowley makes that threat. Catch you later, Novak.”

This wasn’t right. Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. He wasn’t supposed to be a nervous wreck at work. He was supposed to be confident and sure of himself, not reciting his lines before he even spoke. 

It was never this bad, but since some intense questioning after the Dominican, Dean and he has been tip-toeing all around work and their friends. It was tiring and stressful. They had enough to worry about with two more bodies showing up in a warehouse.

He needed a break from work.  He needed a break from Dean.

*****

Dean just walked out of the break room when he was cornered by Benny.

“Winchester, just the man I was looking for.”

Dean made a face as he turned around. Whenever Benny caught up to him it was always about the job, and he was waiting for the man to say they wanted someone else.

“What?” He turned and schooled his features.

Benny chuckled, which made Dean wonder what was so funny.

“How do you feel about going next month?”

“Do I have a choice?” Dean asked, raising his brows.

“No,” Benny admitted and continued when he saw Dean’s mouth open.  “Just courtesy. Didn’t want you to feel like we are taking advantage of you.”

“I volunteered,” Dean said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“That you did and we appreciate it.”

Honestly, Dean liked Benny, but it always felt weird when they worked together.

“I’ll let you know when you’ll be going.” Benny walked off before Dean could respond

He walked back to his desk and let out a loud huff as he dropped in his chair.

“You okay?” Cas asked, looking up from his computer.

“Yeah, just tired. Someone woke me up by throwing a pillow at me.”

Cas glared. He had to that because Dean wasn’t getting up and would’ve been late for work.

“Well, you could just always be late for work,” Cas spit out, leaning over his desk. “Sorry that I don’t want you late.” Cas was whispering in a harsh tone. Honestly, he didn’t know why he cared so much. The rare time Cas was late, Dean did nothing but leave the house. It’s been years and he was starting to feel tired and feeling resented.

Dean just shrugged and turned his chair, pulling files towards him.

“What were you and Benny talking about?” Cas broke the tense silence between them but didn’t ease the friction.

“Nothing of your concern.”

“So, it’s about the OP?” He figured that Dean didn’t have much to talk about at work, it wasn’t hard to know the reason.

Dean rolled his eyes hard. He never liked when Cas tried to be a part of his career.  “What’s it to you?” Dean whispered back.

“As your partner, I think I should know.”  He was going to say husband, but Dean was already mad.

“As my _partner,_ I’m not entitled to share shit.”

Dean knew what Castiel meant, decided to play it a bit, which sent Cas into rage. This wasn’t a game.  Luckily the room was nearly empty, so no one was watching them.

“Are you honestly going to be a dick about this?”

Dean just shrugged and flipped a page.

Cas felt like tearing at his skin. He didn’t know how much he could deal with this. It started out about Dean’s father, but now it seemed that Dean was stuck in this game, and the sad part was, Cas didn’t know if Dean liked it or not.

“And you seem so sure that you are part of my every move. Maybe I need a break.”

Cas felt his heart drop, but he didn’t show it. “When it’s about leaving for fucking months, yes, I have a right to know.”

Cops never really knew when others had an undercover job because they didn’t want people spilling information. It became clear that it would be tough since they were married. Luckily (or not) it didn’t happen until now. Which was probably the worst timing.

“No, you shouldn’t know about it, just like everyone else.”

“Is that so?”

“There’s a difference, and you know that.”

“Do I?” Cas shot back. “You always let me know before. What changed?”

Dean pursed his lips and looked up, face blank. “Keeping you out was safer.”

“Keeping me in the dark is cowardly. I know there are rules, but they don’t apply to us unless one hides it from the other.”

Dean’s eyes narrowed. “I was going to tell-”

“When?” Cas cut him off. “The day before you left, or when you’re gone and I’m all alone? I think that’s more like you.” He knew he was being a dick, but that’s all Dean seemed to listen to now.

Dean didn’t say anything. He kept his eyes trained on Cas. Sadly, he wasn’t wrong and that hurt. He knew he deserved it, but it still hurt as it spilled from his husband’s lips. Now, though, he hated to admit it, but it felt like they were so far apart now. Cas wanted what they worked so hard for and Dean was scared to give Cas that. He didn’t like the lies or deceiving everyone. Is ten years too long to finally come clean? But he deserved this. He stood by him for every single thing, never asking for anything and that felt like a blow to his chest. Did he really ignore Cas that much?

“Charlie’s coming,” he said as his response.

Cas’ face fell and turned back to his computer just as Charlie took a seat at the desk beside Cas.

As Charlie and Dean complained about their new schedules, Cas was lost in his own thoughts.  He was no longer paying attention to his screen.

He thought of the conversation they just had and the events leading to this moment. He felt sick. He honestly didn’t know why he couldn’t let go. And there was the final stab when he found Dean’s forms. It was clear Dean never intended for him to know. His intents were revealed just now. He always wished it would be a lie, but after that day, it was confirmed: Dean didn’t see him as an equal. It knocked the wind out of him as he sadly realized, Dean didn’t love him anymore.

*****

Castiel hesitated, his finger hovering over the button by Sam’s name.  This felt wrong.  He was going behind Dean’s back and dragging Sam into their mess.  But this was also his last option.  Dean wasn’t talking to him about this, and with his luck, he knew one day he would find his husband gone.  He needed to do this, he needed to have a crazy delusion that Dean still loved him.

Taking a deep breath, Cas pressed the button, listening as the sound from the intercom was drowned out by the traffic behind him. He really shouldn’t be here. He didn’t have long to dwell before Sam answered and granted Cas access into his building.  Sam was waiting for the older man as he came up the stairs.

The younger Winchester had a grim look on his face. When his eyes met blue his face quickly morphed into sympathy as if that didn’t feel like a punch to the gut.

Castiel was almost sure Sam knew why he was here. It was probably all over his face.  And rarely did he ever come here alone. Not for a while now. 

Sam wordlessly stepped aside for Cas, closing the door after him. 

“Have a seat.” He gestured to his couch, taking a seat in an armchair.

The older man shrugged off his coat, folding it over his lap.  He played with the zipper before speaking.  “Please don’t tell Dean that I was here.” He looked up at his brother-in-law, pleading.

“Yeah, of course,” Sam agreed, nodding his head.  “I understand you probably don-”

“No, Sam," Castiel said sternly, reaching over, gripping the other man's wrist.  “I meant it. Dean can never know we had this conversation.”

Sam stared at Cas with wide eyes before slowly understanding and nodded. “I promise, Cas.”  
  
Castiel nodded once and sat back in his chair. “Is he really doing it?” he sighed, starting up the conversation. “Is he really doing the whole undercover stint?”

He already knew the answer. He could put two and two together. The forms, Dean constantly talking to Benny, it wasn’t a secret anymore. He fucking saw Dean talking to Benny, but he needed to hear it from someone else. He needed to know he wasn’t jumping before he allowed himself to believe it.

The younger Winchester gave Castiel a sympathetic smile and nodded. “Yeah, he is. He heard back from Benny after Christmas.”

Castiel inhaled shakily and nodded before looking at the clock on Sam's wall, slowly ticking away.  It was a little ironic that his husband was going away for God knows how long, and he was as in the dark about it as the people down on the street.

“After Christmas.” Cas laughed quietly, shaking his head.

“I’m sure Dean was going to tel-” Sam cut off when Castiel shook his head with more force and turned to the man with glistering eyes.

“Maybe” Castiel mumbled. “But we had a fight when he first applied. I feel like he’s taking his time and I’m worried it’s going to be too long. Dean confirmed it, but I needed to hear from someone else. Didn’t expect you would know before me.

Sam remained silent. He didn’t know what to say. Here his brother’s husband was, sitting in front of him, asking for information about _his_ husband. Suddenly it became clear that both Castiel and Dean were in two completely different places in their marriage.

“I don’t want him to leave,” Castiel confessed. His voice was quiet, yet seemed deafening in the small room. He didn’t want to be forced to acknowledge that Dean doesn’t love him anymore. “I know we haven’t exactly seen eye-to-eye in the recent months—years, but I’m not so sure right now.” It was hard admitting one of his darkest secrets—that his marriage was moments away from breaking apart if it hasn’t already. He was sure Sam knew though. If his family could tell, Sam was obviously not ignorant to the fact. But to openly acknowledge it, where there was no doubting that Sam now knew, well, that was terrifying.

It was embarrassing admitting this to the younger man. He tried to hide their problems from their families, and now they all knew. Castiel just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out, and Dean wouldn’t miss him.

“Then tell him. Don’t let him go then.” Sam's voice was soft yet forceful. “He probably won’t go if you ask.” Even he knew it was a lie. Dean never backed down when he was faced with a problem or challenge. He was giving Cas false hope and they both knew that.

Castiel let out a humourless laugh and looked Sam right in the eye. It was alarming how hallow the other man's eyes looked. The bright, vibrant blue was now dull, almost grey. “I did ask him—before he put the application in. I asked, and-” Clasped hands released their grip before presenting his palms upwards in a ‘-look where we are’ gesture.

Sam didn’t say anything. This moment was for Cas and his job was to sit and listen.

“You know, I have been so patient with Dean," Castiel muttered bitterly and stared down at the coffee table in front of him. He was playing with his watch, a gift from Dean for his 21st birthday. “I let him make so many decisions for us. I have waited for him to be ready. But, when will he start making sacrifices for me? We have lied about us for so long that I don’t know if we would know how to handle being out. I don’t know if he wants to be out.”

Sam sat silently, wanting to argue that it was just a rough patch. Things were going to get better, he wanted to believe it. Yet, he wasn’t sure himself. He knew Dean loved Cas. Over the years it might have been pushed aside with everything that went down with their dad and the first failed attempt at undercover. Dean wasn’t good at expressing emotions easily, and he knows his brother’s marriage has suffered from it. He wanted to say something.

 “It's not right to hold back the ones you love and ruin their lives, regardless of how you feel.”  Sam didn’t realize that Cas was still talking. “I still love Dean, but I feel like I am just holding him back.” _I am holding him back,_ He thought to himself. “I'm just grasping onto a memory. And sometimes, I think that Dean just proposed to me because your father hated the idea of Dean being gay. I think it was more to piss him off.”

It was a thought that constantly haunted him. He never admitted it out loud before, but he sometimes felt like Dean never intended to marry him. Why would he? If he wanted it to be in secret right from the start, why get married? First it was because of the academy, and then first establishing a place at 23. John couldn’t know because he didn’t deserve to be in that part of Dean’s life. Each year there was another thing pushing them back.

Their friendship had been ruined, and now their marriage was quickly on the path of being unsalvageable. If it wasn’t already there. What terrified Cas was that Dean wouldn’t even care when the time came. He’d gladly admit that they no longer were working and eagerly sign the papers.

What was the point in hiding? Both men were open. All of 23 knew Cas was gay and Dean, well, he never came out, but he never hid his attraction to men. He did flirt more with the women though; information Cas had learned from Charlie. That had stung.

Sam made an inhuman noise, pulling Cas from his own thoughts. A large frown was etched over his face, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

Did Cas really think Dean would sink that lowly? Sure, Dean did do certain things to defy their father; but marriage? He needed to clear the air.

“Cas, I don’t really think he would-”

“I’m not saying he did with that full intent in mind. But,” he paused, "it may have been a contributing factor."  
  
They sat quietly for a long time after that. Castiel finished confessing, and Sam tried to comprehend everything. He had no clue what to say. ‘Sorry my brother is a dick?’, ‘Sorry your marriage is over?’, ‘Dean still loves you; he just has a hard time showing it?’, ‘He’ll realize it eventually?’ None of those would be appropriate. He may be a lawyer; good with words, but there was no way in Hell he was fit for marriage counselling.

If Cas thought that way, what the Hell was Dean doing. If they were this far gone, Sam hated to admit, but maybe Cas was right.

“I think we need some time apart. I can’t keep doing this, and neither can Dean. I think some time away from each other is for the best,” Castiel confessed and looked up from the floor.  His eyes were gentle, but Sam could see, Cas was already giving up.

There was only so much pushing he could take before finally falling down in defeat.

Sam’s lips were set in a hard line. He nodded, understanding where his brother-in-law was coming from, even though he didn’t agree with it. But Cas has been putting up with this for too long, the exhaustion was taking its effect on him.

“I should get going,” Castiel announced ten minutes later. He stood up and took his coat off the chair.   
“Thank you for listening, Sam,” Castiel offered the younger man a small smile. “I know it must be uncomfortable talking about your brother like this, but I needed answers.”

“Don’t apologize, Cas.”  Sam offered a tense smile. “Dean can be frustrating and closed off. If you want I could-”

“I couldn’t ask anything of you, Sam.” Castiel looked at Sam intently before glancing out the window, watching the dark clouds hang low over the city. He couldn’t bring Sam into this any more than he already had. It wasn’t fair to pull him one way while Dean pulled him the other. Sam did enough by telling the truth, and that was more than he should have asked for. 

“But I want-”

This wasn’t Sam’s mess to fix. He knew the younger man meant well, but it would only create drama and tension in the family if Dean knew Sam went behind his back; that Castiel went digging again. Sam was too good to be pulled into their mess. 

The older man stood up, slipping his coat on. “You have done enough for me, Sam. Thank you.”

Sam following his brother-in-law to the door. “Maybe talking with Dean will- “

Cas raised a brow, cutting Sam off. It wouldn’t work. He knew his brother was stubborn, and it wasn’t his life to meddle. How could he help without seeming like he was favouring Cas, and still looked like he was on Dean’s side without ignoring Castiel? He couldn’t, it wasn’t possible. All he could do was keep himself available for when Cas wanted to talk. It was a shit option, but he would rather Cas talk to him than for him to deal with everything silently.

“Just call if you ever want to talk, okay? You _are_ part of our family, Cas. You’re welcomed here anytime.”

A small smile pulls at the older man’s lips. “Thank you, Sam.” Words hung heavily over the two men, holding more meaning than just a simple sign of gratitude. 

*****

The whole drive home was silent. The car radio stayed off, and Cas slowly was lost to his thoughts. It probably wasn’t safe considering traffic and weather, but his mind wouldn’t shut up, and instead created hundreds of scenarios on how he would confront Dean— _if_ he confronted Dean.

He couldn’t just confess straight out. It would lead to Dean feeling betrayed and a dead end. Which made him wonder why Dean could feel betrayed, but he wasn’t? He had to ease it in where Dean would be willing to sit down and talk. But how do you get a man who refused to have a deep conversation when he was the subject of the discussion to listen to you? Dean hated the attention on him, and even though it would just be the two of them, he wouldn’t have a way to dodge the questions, and possibly lead to them running in circles yet again, which he was frustrated about.

Yet, being too gentle allowed Dean off the hook and Cas wanted him to answer for his actions. He lied and hid such a critical piece of information. It wasn’t like he hid a promotion or a small purchase. He lied about going undercover. He knew how Cas felt about undercover, and instead of talking about it like a couple should, he disregarded Cas’ trust in favour of his own selfish wants.

The realization hurt Castiel more than he thought and cared to admit. This whole situation was a giant slap in the face and a clear reminder that Dean didn’t care what he thought. To him, Cas may be his husband legally, but physically and emotionally, Dean stopped seeing Cas as his husband long ago.  Nothing prepared Castiel for that conclusion. And no matter what logical reasoning he could come up with, it didn’t matter. Dean was leaving. Benny was in the picture, and Cas was losing the battle like he had last time. He could never win against Benny.

It was funny when Benny started to hang out with Dean, Cas immediately disliked him. He was sure the man was harmless and his intentions were innocent. Right now, it feels like Benny is the third person in this marriage. Ever since the cracks appeared, Dean started spending more time with him.

It had always bothered Cas when he saw Benny hanging around Benny. Dean always teased that he was jealous and kissed him gently. That became annoying soon enough.

Maybe Benny wasn’t stealing his husband; maybe his husband was going with him willingly. He felt sick to his stomach at the thought. As desperate as it was, he didn’t like Dean with anyone but him. But slowly through his talk (argument) with Dean, and the one with Sam, he had to bite his pride and let Dean go. It was a last resort, but he had no choice, unfortunately.

He still had to try and if Dean didn’t want to talk, then he wouldn’t press him. Never did his sixteen-year-old self, who fell in love with the boy whose locker he walked into, would be in tears over said boy.  When he met Dean, it was a loving relationship, but back then he was a naïve teenager who didn’t understand the idea of love. If this what love turned into, he didn’t want it anymore. And there was that part of him, still that stupid teenager with the crush, who held onto the thought of the boy he fell in love with coming back. 

It was too late. It had been too many years of ignoring the issue. The Dean he knew and fell in love with was no longer with him. People did change over time, but sadly, Dean changed too much, and not for the better.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this Chapter will make a few people happy. I hope...

Cas rubbed his eyes as he waited for his coffee to brew.  Dean had made him late so he couldn’t stop for his coffee like normal.  Dean had come home from his shift and took the bathroom before Cas could get in.  The coffee here was terrible and didn’t better his mood when he learned he was in booking.  The world hated him.

He didn’t get as chance to talk to Dean as he was on a week of overnight shifts.  The time when Cas got home, Dean didn’t want to talk and leave in the middle of it.  Cas wanted to tell him that’s what he always did.  But he didn’t want to start another fight.  They had a rare Saturday off and Cas planned to strike.

The day was boring and uneventful.  He was with Kevin, and all they talked about was the football game that was on last night.  Apparently, Kevin’s team lost, which Cas couldn’t find it in him to care.  Not because his mind was on Dean (which it was always on), but because he didn’t care about sports in general.  He never watched his school’s teams and only saw games when Dean had them on, which was every time one was on.

They turned to soccer and Cas was nodding and saying ‘oh’ and ‘yeah’ at the right time.  He didn’t mind Kevin, but he was into much of the same stuff Dean liked.  They were a better pair.

By the end of his shift, Cas just wanted to go home and sleep.  He didn’t know why he was tired.  Cas’ shift had him sit at a desk for ten hours.  He just hoped Dean would leave him alone, which since the shuffle, Dean just ignored him, when Cas came home bone tired, he was glad.

When he got home he dropped into the armchair and closed his eyes.

The room stayed silent for one minute before Dean cleared his throat.

“What?” Cas asked, without opening his eyes.

“You look tired.”  Dean turned to face Cas, but the younger man kept his eyes shut.

“I am.”  He shifted in the seat, trying to get comfortable.

They stayed silent again before Dean spoke again. “Crowley called.  I’m not going it tonight.”

Cas didn’t open his eyes, but raised his eyebrows.  “Why?”

“No idea.  Didn’t say. Wasn’t bothered to ask.”

Honestly, this wasn’t any different than what they were going through right now.  Dean worked the nights, which meant when Cas was in bed, Dean would leave.

“Okay.”  It wasn’t a big deal.  If this had happened years ago he would be happy to spend the night with Dean. Now, they felt like bonded roommates, and Cas hated that thought.   He hated everything about their lives right now.  The worst part was that he had no idea what Dean was thinking.  They never shared.  Well, Cas tried, but they always ended up in circles.

He wasn’t going to stand down.  He had a plan and he wasn’t going to let Dean run again.  They had issues and it felt the hidden OP tore them further apart.  For Cas, it was the final straw.  And that was a sad realization.

He fixed a sandwich as Dean continued to watch whatever game was on.  He finished his food without a word to Dean.  Which Dean didn’t try either.

“I’m going to bed,” Cas announced as he walked by Dean.

“Mm-mm.”  Cas scowled when Dean’s eyes didn’t leave the TV.

“Yeah.  You too,” Cas grumbled and walked into the bedroom.

*****

The next morning wasn’t much different, besides Dean not being in the bed when he woke up.

“Dean?” Cas called as he walked down the short hallway.  “Dean?” He tried again when he didn’t get a response.

He went into the bathroom to get ready. He grabbed his coat, cursing himself for running late.  He sent a text to Dean, asking where he was and ran out the door.

The ride the station was hell, which didn’t help his mood.  They were doing a standard sting operation.  Basic drug bust, which Cas liked because it was a change from normal shifts.

When he got to his locker late, Parade was going to start soon.  He quickly got changing, checking his phone, frowning when he saw nothing from Dean.  This day could not get worse.

Sadly, Parade was already going on when Cas slid next to Charlie at the back.

“You’re late,” she whispered, not taking her eyes off Crowley.

“I know,” he grumbled as the staff sergeant was going on about today’s events.

“Novak,” Crowley shouted and Castiel groaned silently.  When Crowley spoke like that, it wasn’t good.

“Yes, sir.”

“Since you were late,” The officer paused and Cas gritted his teeth.  “I have taken you off the sting mission today.”

The younger man was shocked.  Who the hell would take his place?  Assignments can’t have changed the day of.  What was going on?

“And who will go instead?” Cas asked, trying to keep his voice levelled.

“Winchester.”

Cas snapped to the left and saw his husband finally.  Bastard. How the hell was he working days now?

“Sir-? Cas was cut off.

“You will be with Charlie in booking.”

Fuck, he hated booking.  He hated more than desk duty.  He could argue, but it sounded like Crowley was in a pissed-off mood already, and since he was late, he didn’t have a foot to stand on.

“Yes, sir,” he muttered and felt Charlie’s hand squeeze his.  Apparently, this day could get worse.

He walked into the locker room, he fiddled around with his stuff, feeling the need to do something before he was sent to Hell.

Dean walked into grab his coat.

“You fucking asshole,” Cas gritted as he turned on Dean.

Dean looked at him, stunned as Cas wanted to laugh.  Dean couldn’t play innocent here.

“You hate this shit.  And yet you decide to take it from me?”  Cas slammed his door and stood in Dean’s face.

“I didn’t ask for this.”  Dean turned and grabbed his coat,

“Right.  You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Crowley called and asked if I could switch with Dorothy.  I did.”

“I can see you did,” Cas bit out.  “Could have told me last night.  Or is that not important?”

Dean ignored his comment.  “We’ll talk about this later after I’m done doing your job.”

Cas was left silent as Dean walked out the room.  Oh. He would make sure they talked tonight.

*****

Dean was bored, he really didn’t like this part of the job.  Cas loved it and he felt guilty when he asked if he could take Cas’ place.  He didn’t want desk duty and Crowley owed him.  So when Cas showed up late, it was the perfect excuse.  It wasn’t fair to Cas though, but he just wanted to be away from as many people as possible.

“This day sucks,” Dean sighed and slouched back in his chair.  He rubbed his forehead, trying to soothe his headache.

“It is slow,” Victor admitted.  Usually, they had more than three guys by now.

They’ve been at this for four hours.  They had two more before they have to head back.

“So,” Victor drawled out.  “We haven’t been paired together in a while.  What’s new?”

Dean shrugged.  “Nothing.  You?”  He didn’t like sharing his life unless he offered.

“Really?” Victor pressed.  “I haven’t talked to you properly in months.  Anyone catch your eye?”

It was true that Dean has put up a front when it came to flirting.  Cas hated it at first but came to terms with it.  It still hurt, and Dean always felt bad when Cas would tell him that.

“Nope.”  Dean popped the ‘P’ and turned to face out the window.

“Okay,” Victor sighed and turned to face Dean.  “I’ve gotta ask this-”Dean was suddenly regretting choosing to go with Victor “-what’s going on with you and Cas”

Dean’s neck snapped around.  “What?” he nearly yelled.

“It’s a little obvious.  A lot of people are wondering.  I mean, it’s not exactly a secret that you two have a thing.  The look Cas gave you this morning.  When you took his job.”

Dean almost wanted to laugh at the officer.  This couldn’t be happening.  He always got questions like these.  Why didn’t people share with each other?  Were they hoping to get a different answer? 

“Even Chuck has mentioned it.”

Dean wanted to laugh again.   _Everyone has noticed it._ Hell, even Dorothy has asked Cas.  It wasn’t a secret.  What was a secret was that he and Cas were always coming up with stories, so neither would slip up.

“So?  It doesn’t affect our work.”  He felt hot; he didn’t like to be the centre of attention. And he didn’t like the idea of people thinking there was more between him and Cas, aside from work.

“That’s true, but you two have been butting heads for years.  We all were shocked.  You two were like one of the best duos.  It probably was building up, but for all of us, it felt like one day you were the best partners at work, and then the next, you hated each other.

Dean felt his heart speed up.  He never liked when people brought up their old dynamic.  It always brought up the same old questions.

“I don’t know, Vic.  Shit happens and you always realize it.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose.  He wanted to escape from this car.

“It doesn’t just happen at work.  Cas always gets weird when you flirt with women.  That one night at the bar, Cas practically pulled you away from that girl.”  Victor laughed at the memory.

He remembered that night.  He was just trying to make Cas jealous when they did that kind of thing.  It also led to some very heated sex.

“Yeah.  Don’t know what that was about.”  He felt his stomach swoop at the memory.

“I’m just saying. We haven’t gotten the group together in quite some time.  Not altogether.  It’s either you or Cas.  Never together.”

“Don’t know what to tell you,” Dean said, trying to keep his voice indifferent.  If he answered, he would open a fuck ton of questions he would want to avoid.

“I’m just saying.  No one at work has a rivalry like you two.  It’s concerning.”

“If it doesn’t get in the way of our work, I don’t know why it’s concerning.”  He turned to stare out the window.

Victor sighed, knowing that the conversation was over.  He stared at Dean for a moment.  He knew there was more between Cas and Dean’s shift, but he wasn’t going to get it.

They finally got back to the station and reported to Crowley.  Dean walked away, but he felt the other officer’s eyes on him. 

He walked to his desk and just started some work that needed to be done.  He knew Cas would be in a bad mood later.  Judging from their conversation earlier.  He also knew that their talk later would be worse with Cas’ attitude.  He didn’t want to deal with Cas and a fight.

After dealing with Victor he wondered if he was obvious with his relationship with Cas.  Victor didn’t say anything, but eight years of hiding, it’s possible they had a slip.  He had to talk to Cas tonight.

*****

When Dean walked into the living room, Cas was sitting on the couch with a book.

“Hey,” Dean greeted and sat on the armchair.

“Hi.”  Cas closed his book and turned to face Dean.

“Still mad?”  Castiel made a face.  “Sorry.”

“Day was hell.  Did you have _fun_?”  Cas’ voice dripped with sarcasm.  He knew Dean hated stings, just like Cas hated booking.

“I didn’t ask for the change.”  Dean was lying, but he wasn’t going to admit it.

Cas pursed his lips but didn’t say anything.  “Dean, we need to talk.”

Dean sighed.  He knew the calm wasn’t going to last.  “I know,” he sighed and sat forward in the chair.

Cas reached forward to take Dean’s hand but thought better of it.  “I’m tired, Dean.”  Cas sighed and closed his eyes.  “And I’m just wondering what we have become.”  He finally looked at Dean, who had his eyes closed.

Dean was silent for a moment and then started talking. “If this about the forms, I’m sorry.”

“I know.  But it also isn’t that easy, Dean.  That did hurt, but this has been coming for a long time.  Dean, we need to stop hiding things.”

“I’ve never hidden anything, Cas.  I’ve always told you.”

Cas raised an eyebrow at the words.  “You never were honest.  I had to find the forms.  The big things, you never share.  When were you going to tell me about it?   When you disappear?”  He was getting a little irritated.  Dean was being his usual self, avoiding the conflict.

“No.  I wouldn’t do that!”

“It’s not just that, Dean.  We have been at odds for years and I’m tired.”

“What do you mean?”  Dean crossed his arms and stood up.

“Don’t try to intimidate me,” Cas growled and stood up.  “I’m talking about everything.  You have pushed me away when I tried to get close.  I feel like we are slipping away.”  Dean made a face and Cas pinched his nose.  “Come on.  You honestly think we haven’t changed.”

“People grow!  Sometimes for the good or bad.”

“Is that what you think.  We grew into something that we are ashamed of?  Or you?”

“That’s not what I mean-”

“You did.”  Cas scowled.  “Maybe we are too different.  _Or you_.”  Cas added the last part in his head.  This was not going how he planned.

“I don’t know what to do,” Dean admitted, feeling tired himself.

“Why don’t we talk.”  Cas sat on the couch.  “If we are going in circled we need to stop.”  He was trying his best to sound calm. 

“And what do we need to talk about?”  Dean stood, glaring down at his husband.

“Dean,” Cas sighed and looked up at Dean.  He felt so small when Dean looked at him like that.  A look Dean hasn’t given him since _that_ day.  “Do you honestly think we are happy.  Face it, we are not.

Dean’s face didn’t change.  He felt his heart being clenched.  It hurt, but he promised himself that he would let Cas speak.

“We have been married for so long, and I don’t regret it, but I feel like you do.”

Dean opened his mouth.  He couldn’t hold his promises, but Cas beat him to it.

 “I’m not telling what you feel.  I’m just saying what I think.  I’ve loved our time together, but I’m wondering if we are ever going to come out.  If we will ever be open.”

This time he let Dean speak.  “We will,” he said, pathetically.

“When?  We planned to do it years ago.  When?”

Dean was silent for a moment.  “I don’t know. I-”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I just feel like you don’t want to change our life.” Cas pressed his hands to his eyes.

“Cas-”

“And I don’t get why!” Cas cried and lifted his head.

Dean was shocked by the man’s outburst.  He knew he was pulling Cas thin, but actually seeing it clear, it hurt him.

“I have tried and tried to follow you and please you.”  _I lost myself_ he thought and felt his eyes burn.

“I didn’t ask you-”

“You didn’t, but that’s what husbands do.  But it’s not mutual.  You don’t and that has been tearing me up.”

Dean was silent.  He knew they didn’t have a good marriage.  It has changed over time, he never once considered divorce.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you.  Look, I don’t know what to do.”  He really didn’t.  All the options were unpleasant to think about.  But wasn’t their marriage just like that?  He wanted to cry.  He pulled at his hair.  He was done.  He was mad at himself.  He always cursed Dean when he didn’t talk, and now he was doing the same thing.  He had to stop.

Dean’s eye went over Cas to the sky outside of the window.  He always loved the night—the darkness.  It was calming to him.  He felt like there wasn’t any judgment a night. He always felt the calmest at night.  But now, Cas was throwing a light in his mind.  He didn’t realize Cas was still talking until heard his name repeating over and over.

“Sorry.”  He dropped his eyes to Cas.

“Did you hear me.”  Cas’ voice was soft and quiet.

Dean remand silent, causing Castiel to snap.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he nearly yelled.  “I’m to be calm and you just don’t care, like always.”  Cas let out a howl of pain.

“Look, Cas-”

“No,” Cas cut Dean off.  “I’m tired of this shit.  You’re not even putting any effort.  I have to do all work and you won’t add.  There are two people in this Dean, or have you forgotten?  Just live your life and forget that I am in this life too.”

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose, standing up and turning around.

“Cas,” Dean nearly whispered.  Cas just shook his head.

“I’m nearly at the end, Dean.”  He didn’t turn around to see his lover’s face.  “I just don’t want to admit that.  What happen?  We were so happy.”

Dean didn’t speak.  Whenever Cas started a fight he always had a retort, but right now, he was left speechless.  He knew Cas felt like this, well Sam told him, but he didn’t believe it.  Now, he did and now he felt rage build in his gut.  He hated being the one who made mistakes and yet he couldn’t justify his actions as being abusive.  He was mad at Cas for sounding ungrateful.

“Maybe time,” Dean bit out and noticed Cas hurt face, the same look he has seen more often these days.

“Okay,” Cas spit out.  “I was trying to be civil, but you aren’t doing that.  What the hell, Dean?  Don’t you see this behavior is part of the problem.”

“I’m part of the problem?” Dean seethed.

 _You are the problem_ Cas thought.  “I didn’t say that.  Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“But you thought it.”

Cas stayed silent.  It was true and he didn’t have a comeback.

“Great.  So I’m the problem.  Glad to know my own husband loves me.”

“I do love you, you fucking ass.  I’ve loved you since I first saw you.”  Dean glared, but Cas pressed on.  “I can’t compare myself to when I was sixteen, but one thing that hasn’t changed is my feeling for you.  And I feel like an idiot for that when you clearly don’t.”

“Cas-” the older man started, but was cut off.

“Please let me finish.”  _If I don’t I don’t think I would get it out._ Cas’ voice was softer, defeated.  If Dean wasn’t in a rage, he would care.  “This feeling isn’t new.  I’ve felt like this for years and with the way things have gone, I feel like I was right.  Why did you marry me?”  Cas was rocking on his feet and playing with his fingers.

Dean thinned his lips.  His breath was ragged.  “Cas, I-”

“Just answer the question.”  A knot was forming in his throat and he sounded like he was pleading, which he kind of was.

“Because I love you.”

Cas wanted to cry.  It sounded true to Cas, but he knew it was a lie.  “Why did you marry me _that_ September?”  It had been just a few months after the major fallout with John.

“What?”  Cas just stared at him, waiting for his answer.  There really wasn’t.  He was young, stupid and in love.  When Cas had said ‘yes’ he didn’t want to wait.  Which may have been the first crack in their relationship.  “Because I didn’t want to wait.”

“Right.”  Cas nodded.  Dean would never admit that it was also John’s fault.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”  He shrugged, not knowing where to go from here.

“You don’t believe me?”  Dean took a step towards Cas.  The shorter man didn’t step back.  He knew Dean wouldn’t lay a hand on him.

Cas wanted to say ‘yes’.  It would have been his answer last year.  Their vacation was a step back in time.  They still weren’t what they used to be. But it was better.  He wished it lasted longer, but as soon as they got home everything went back what has become their lives.  But he felt like ‘no’ was the terrifying, but the right answer.  

“I don’t know,” Cas decided on, keeping his eyes on Dean.

“Great.” Dean turned around, pushing a hand through his hair.  “I need to go.”  The man went and grabbed his coat.

“What.  No!  You can’t keep running.”

“I need to go, Cas.  I need to.”

“We are still talking!”  Cas followed out to the elevator, but didn’t get on.

“We’ll talk when I get back.”

“Tomorrow then?  Fine, keep pushing it back; I don’t care.”  He let doors close without Dean replying.  Just as good, he needed a break from Dean or he might strangle him.

However, Dean storming out in rage only happened once and Cas never wanted to see it again.  It was a memory he still carried to this day and was one of the key factors in Cas’ doubts.

*****

_June 2002_

_It was the first week of June, two weeks before exams started.  School had just ended for the day and Dean was now sitting on Castiel’s couch, his binder in his lap.  They were working on their final psychology project.  It was a partnered assignment, and as soon as Mrs. Peterson announced it, he knew he and Cas would work on it together.  They’d paired up for every group work they’d been assigned._

_Cas had just gone to the kitchen to get them a refill on their water.  The younger boy had just walked back into the room with two glasses in his hand when Dean announced they should take a break._

_“Dean, we haven’t even been working for an hour,” Castiel sighed and looked at his watch._

_Dean groaned and slumped against the couch.  “It’s only been that long?  Fuck.”_

_“Dean, if this psychology class annoys you so much, why are you taking it?”  Cas sat next to Dean, placing the cups on the coffee table._

_“I need the credit.”  Dean took his glass and took a sip of the water.  “And do we really have to do the project on Freud?”_

_The assignment had been to pick a psychologist and do a presentation on the person they chose.  Cas had wanted to do Freud.  Dean had protested a bit.  He complained that Freud was the one psychologist they spent the most time studying, and he’d rather not spend more time on what the man did for psychoanalysis.  However, Cas pointed out they had many notes on the man and it would make it easier for them to put together a presentation.  Luckily, Mrs. Peterson allowed them to pick first since there were no doubles allowed._

_“Come on, Dean.  We already had this discussion.  We have a ton of information on Freud and besides,” Cas took the notebook Dean was writing in, “We’re almost done.  If we stick it out for the rest of the afternoon, we should be able to get this finished.”_

_“I still think Freud was fucking nuts,” Dean joked when Cas read over the notes on psychosexual development they had summarized so far.  “Like, most of his theories are based on sex.”_

_“And that’s a bad thing?” Cas challenged, raising an eyebrow.  Though he himself may not have gone past kissing, he knew Dean was much more experienced in that area._

_“Sex?  No, that’s not a bad thing,” Dean teased and gave his friend a wink.  “But studying how all of our thoughts and intentions are based on sex, then yes.”_

_The dark-haired boy let out a laugh and shook his head.  “Of course you would think that way, Dean.”_

_“It is,” the older boy defended.  “Basically this guy-“_

_“Freud,” Cas supplied, trying to hold back his amusement.  It was funny seeing Dean sound a little passionate about a subject.  Though he was ranting, it was the most involved he’d been since they started the assignment two days ago._

_“Has come up with a theory that since birth we’ve all had a sex-drive.”_

_Castiel snickered.  “I haven’t heard the psychosexual development theory summarized quite like that.”_

_“I’m just saying: do people really believe there is actual truth behind these theories?”  Dean moved closer to Cas, reaching over the teen to grab his notebook._

_“I believe there is some truth to it.  Maybe not the exact same idea, but that’s why we study these theories.”  Castiel pulled the notebook back from Dean’s hand and placed it on the coffee table._

_“You would,” Dean teased.  “You’ve always been too open minded about everything.  You don’t believe in just one meaning.  And that’s what makes you so unique.”_

_Castiel flushed a light pink and smiled at Dean.  He leaned forward, hands placed on the couch cushion between their legs.  “And you just believe in one meaning.  You are too close minded.”_

_Dean rolled his eyes and looked back at Cas, suddenly realizing how close they were.  He could feel Castiel’s breath on his face and he was pretty sure Cas could feel his._

_Castiel’s smile dropped and his face turned impassive, mirroring the other boy’s.  Seeing those bright blue eyes so trusting and alluring, Dean felt as if his body was on autopilot, unable to physically control his movements.  Cas seemed to be in a similar situation, as both their faces inched closer and closer to each other, until Dean felt soft, plush lips pressed against his._

_The kiss was soft and slow, but quickly deepened as Castiel shifted and placed a hand against Dean’s chest for support.  Dean’s hands slowly moved to Cas’ shoulders, but before he could grab onto the solid form, Cas sighed and Dean was snapped back to reality._

_“What the fuck,” he snapped and pulled away so violently that he almost fell off the couch._

_Castiel was panting and staring at Dean with wide eyes.  He extended his hand but the other teen jumped up from the couch._

_“No!  Don’t—j-just don’t, Cas.”  Dean ran a hand through his hair._

_The dark-haired teen looked like he wanted to say something to apologize, but before he could get a word out, Dean was moving around the room, collecting and shoving his books into his bag._

_“Dean, please,” the boy’s voice was pleading as he followed his friend to the front door, hoping he was willing to talk to him.  “Can we please—you’re being unfair-“_

_“No, Cas.”  Dean’s tone sent a sickening feeling to the pit of Cas’ stomach.  “Just stop.”_

_Dean took one last look at his friend, who was backing up slowly.  A look of defeat was falling on his face._

_Dean looked at Cas, feeling bad for the way he was reacting, but he needed to get away from his friend—his friend he had just kissed.  He turned around and hurried out the door, leaving Cas alone in the foyer._

_“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered to himself and dropped his head forward, closing his eyes._

*****

It was after midnight when Cas was woken by a set of keys jingling and the familiar clink of metal.

“Dean?”  Cas sat up on the couch and rubbed his eyes.

“Yeah.”  He walked over and sat by Cas.”

“Can we talk?” Cas shuffled to sit against the arm rest.  “I don’t want to yell anymore.  I just want to talk.  Please.”  His voice was soft and he pulled his knees to his chest.

Dean wanted to laugh at how he was trying to making himself look smaller, but then he realized he was doing this because he wanted to be small, he wanted this to be over with.  But Dean didn’t know how they could fix this without a lot of work.

“Okay,” he whispered, turning himself to face the ball of a man.

“I’ve been thinking,” Cas started, leaving out that he’s been thinking for years.  “We can’t leave things like this.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.  It’s taxing, and I know we have to both agree, but can we find a way to come out?”

Dean looked at Cas for a minute.  “Um.  I do-”

“We can do it after you come back.  If you’re worried about that.  We can wait.”  Cas’ voice was going higher, a sign he was desperate.

“Look, Cas.  It’s not about that.  I just do-”

“It’s never the right time,” Cas sighed, sounding tired.

“Will you let me finish?” Dean gritted and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to calm down.

“I know what you are going to say.  It’s been the same every time I ask.  I’m ready.  I don’t like to live a lie.  It was fine at first, but now…”  He trailed off and shrugged.

“Maybe I’m not ready.”

“You weren’t ready because of your dad.”  He struggled to keep his voice levelled.  “You said you don’t need his acceptance.  What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know.  I just don’t feel ready.”  He can’t tell Cas he doesn’t want to come clean because he doesn’t want let everyone knows his last secret.  Being Gay hasn’t been a walk in the park.  It was hard, and being in a relationship can be even harder.  All his life he grew up that being gay was wrong.  Even though John accepted him, it wouldn’t erase twenty-nine years of verbal abuse.

“Like right now or you don’t know?”

“I don’t know.  I’m sorry.  I know this not the answer you want.”

“Dean, I understand that, but I can’t live like this forever.  I love you, but we can’t live like this.  We are living a lie.  You may love me, but you don’t show me, and that hurts.”

“What do you mean?”  Dean felt his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Please don’t hate me.”  Cas had tears welling his eyes and Dean’s heart was hammering.  “But, I think, and this is so painful for me to say, but, I think we should take some time apart.”  There, he said it.  The idea that has haunted him for months.

“You want this?”  Dean’s voice was cold and it caused tears to fall down Cas’ face.

“No.  But I feel like we are so apart, we need time to ourselves.  You're going away soon. I know you’ll be working, but after that, we can talk again?”

Cas slid closer to Dean, taking his hands in his.  He started to rub circles on his hands, wanting Dean to say something.

“Say something,” Cas pleaded, silent tears rolling down.

After a long pause, Dean stood up, pulling his hands-free.  “I’ll take the couch.”  He stalked into the bedroom, leaving Castiel to feel more alone than ever.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

The next few days went by like normal, no indication of the conversation they had had.  Cas wanted to broach the subject, but Dean didn’t give him a chance.  It was sad that this attitude wasn’t a surprise for Cas.  He just figured he has to give his husband time.

In all honesty, Cas felt like Dean would be happy that he was giving them a break, or the idea of a break since Dean hasn’t said anything yet.

It’s been five days since that night. Cas tried, but each time he was shut up by Dean’s lips.  As much as he wanted to hate it, it was hard to when it was your husband and he was giving him (false) hope.  They had sex every night since then, which Cas wasn’t complaining.  The last time they slept together was during their vacation.  It strangely felt loving, but it had been a long time.  Either way, Cas shamefully had to admit he didn’t mind.

He sighed and slammed his locker.  He had two minutes until parade started.  Right now, it wasn’t starting off good.  He just wanted this day to end so he could finally talk to Dean where they stood.   He thought Dean always wanted to take a break.  He stopped inviting him to Bobby’s or Sam’s.  And when he did, Cas knew he was being forced.  Dean didn’t want him to and instead of starting a fight, Cas just said no.  It’d hurt in the beginning, but now it’s been three years of the same old shit.  It’s become routine.  Their whole life was a routine.  Why not just keep adding?

He walked it to the parade room, almost colliding with Anna.

“Sorry, Anna,” he said sheepishly.  He’s mind has been going over and over the past few days.  He needed to get a hold of himself.

“No problem.”  She grinned and kicked her legs up on the ledge she was sitting on. 

He walked down the roll of desks before taking the last one left.  He had just sat down when he heard a familiar voice.

“Morning, Novak.”

He felt his blood run cold.  Shit.  He turned to Dean, who was giving him a cocky smirk.  He felt his stomach swoop.  They made a deal to not sit by each other.  He broke it.  Oh well.  It was bound to happen.  Before shit went south they would sit next to each other occasionally, but since then, Dean stayed away from Cas.

“Morning,” Cas muttered and turned his attention to the front.  He heard a chuckle and blushed.

*****

They were both off the streets today, which kind of made him wish he wasn’t.  Ever since he started his rotation, he had booking.  Luckily though, Dean had booking, giving him a break from his husband.

He loved the alone time.  He was able to think about how he will handle this mess.  He wanted to talk to Dean about everything.  It was all weird.  These past days were like a flashback from years ago.  He was embarrassed to say that he loved his time with Dean.  He felt like a cheap whore though, which was stupid because it was with his _husband._

“Something on your mind?”   Kevin stood by Cas’ desk, leaning on the metal.

“I thought you were with Dean,” Cas said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“I am.  Just getting coffee.  And answers.   I’ve called your name ten times.”

Cas bit the inside of his cheek to surpass a moan.  He knew not to let his mind run when he was at work.  Especially when Kevin was working.   The boy was always into knowing everything.

“Just tired,” he lied, turning to look at the man.

“You sure. You looked like you were in another world.”

Okay, the kid was getting on his nerves.  He chose this time to be observed.  “Just want to go home.”

“Mm-hmm.  If you say so.”  Kevin patted him on the back and left.

Cas groaned and dropped his head on the table, causing the officer in front of him to jump.  He was ready to rip his hair out.  He didn’t know what he was going to.  Dean’s behaviour was giving him whiplash.  It was like he was back to the beginning.  They took a step back in time.

It was Dean’s birthday tomorrow.  Dean usually went to Bobby’s without telling him. It hurt, but like everything else, he got used to it.  He’ll just give his gift when Dean came home.  He wanted some normality before Dean left.  It scared him that he will come home and find Dean gone.  He wanted the separation, but it’s one thing to say it and then get it.

He felt so stupid wanting Dean to stay.  It was clear to him that Dean had to leave him.  He didn’t want to make the first move.  He was disgusted at himself, at what he saw in the mirror.  He envied Sam and Gabe’s relationship.  New and fresh.  Though he doubted that they would have the drama he and Dean suffered.

 _I want this done_ , he thought to himself.

“Want what done?” Charlie asked, causing Cas to jump.

“Fuck,” he hissed, holding a hand to his chest.  “Don’t do that.”

Charlie sat on the edge of his desk, dangling one leg.  “Not my fault you weren’t here.  And don’t say work, you had a glazed look.  What were you thinking?”

“How much I don’t want you here,”

Charlie grabbed at her chest and let out a dramatic groan.  “Your words hurt.  But seriously, what were you thinking?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” he answered truthfully, but Charlie didn’t buy it.  What was going on today?  No one would leave him alone.  Chuck had ambushed him in the change room, Kevin, and now Charlie.  Who was next? Crowley?  Actually, that seemed more plausible than a guess.

“You know you can always talk to me.”  Charlie placed a hand on Cas’ arm.  “You just look alone today.”  She shrugged and kicked her foot out.

“I know, but I just need time to think.”  He always hated when his marriage made him feel like that.  He didn’t have anyone to talk to.  He couldn’t bug Sam. Since Dean used him.  Bobby Jo and Ellen were for Dean, and none of his family cared or would just make jokes.  He was alone and maybe that’s why he feels so much resentment in his life.

He needed to talk to Dean again.  They couldn’t go back without talking.  They can’t shove the memories aside.  He’ll talk to Dean, but after his birthday.

*****

Cas was walking around the precinct, needing a break from the desk.  Charlie offered to go too, but he politely declined.  He needed to be alone, even for ten minutes.

He just rounded the corner to the hallway of the evidence room before he stopped.  Dean and Benny were talking.  He knew he should walk by.  Officers that weren’t in the OP weren’t allowed to know anything.  However, call him jaded, he was done with Dean hiding shit.  He was still mad that he applied without telling Cas first.  Dean’s reason for if he got in he would tell was bullshit.

He stood around the corner, trying to listen.

“We can’t tell ya when you leave.  But it’ll be soon.”

He saw Dean nodding, waiting for his reply.

“Yeah, sounds good.  I’m ready.”

Cas heart clenched.  Call him selfish, but he never wanted him to go.  Hating that he had no idea to how Dean would be gone and to have no contact.  If they separated and neither left the city, Cas could say he still saw Dean.  Which wasn’t how a separation worked, but he would know Dean was safe

“Glad to hear.  You also can’t tell your family that you are leavin’.  Keep in the dark is safe.”

“I know.  I don’t know, so there’s nothing to tell,” Dean joked and Cas rolled his eyes. 

How could Dean be calm when Cas was suffocating every day.  If Dean had been honest from the start, Cas would have had time to prepare.  He was in this with Dean and it made the distance harder.  When the fuck did he become so dependent on Dean?  He was twenty-eight.  He wanted to bang his head on the wall, but didn’t need a headache too.

“Good.  We picked well,” Benny joked and Cas had enough.  He walked past them, not saying a word to either of them.

“Hey, Cas.”  He heard Dean say and rolled his eyes.  he waved a hand, but didn’t turn around.

“What’s up with him?” he heard Benny asking Dean.  And really, when did Benny start know Cas?  That’s what he wanted to know.

“No idea.” He heard Dean answer.  Really everything was pissing him off today.

He knew Dean was leaving, but last time he checked, it was supposed to be next month, giving Cas time to comfort himself without letting Dean know.  Hearing that it would be soon, he wasn’t sure why he felt ill.  He wasn’t even supposed to know in the first place.  It was childish.  But over the years, this now felt like an escape, not a separation, even though he said it was.  He was regretting his words already and that’s why he was weak.

He needed to stay firm with his words, though.  He was one of those suckers that fell into the love makes you a fool category.  He hated relying on people.  He wanted to be strong, but Dean had a hold on him.

The talk with Sam felt irrelevant now.  He was lost and stupid.  He didn’t deserve this life.  He was taking up space.  If Dean hid stuff from him, the trust was gone and Cas had to accept it.  But he didn’t want to.

*****

Dean was laughing as he took a sip of his beer.  He missed it here.  He missed Jo and Bobby.  He didn’t come over here a lot and every time.  He always promised himself to come more often.

Sam was sat by him, rolling his eyes at Jo’s joke.

They were at The Roadhouse, celebrating Dean’s birthday.  He always liked being with Bobby and Jo.  It was always a nice change from his life in Manhattan.

“Shoulda hav’ Cas come,” Bobby grunted, leaning over the counter.

“Nah.  He was busy,” he lied, earning a kick from Sam.

“Somethin’ planned for tomorrow, eh?”

“Probably.”  He didn’t have to look up to know no one was buying it.

“Okay, who wants me to kick their ass at pool?” Jo chimed as she bent over the table.  “What’s wrong?”  She arched an eyebrow when no one answered.

“Nothing,” Dean answered.

“Mm-hmm.”

Dean groaned, causing Sam to laugh.

“What?”  Jo shrugged in mock shame.  “You are totally spending tomorrow with Cas.”

Dean now remembered why he didn’t come when Jo was around.  She was like the annoying little sister he (thankfully) never had.  He loved her, but strangely took Cas’ side.

“So how are things?”  Sam pushed his bottle to the side to lean over.

“Good?  Nothing's changed.”

“Come on.  You're leaving soon.”

“And you’re not supposed to know.  Keep your mouth shut.”

Sam rolled his eyes and fell back in the both.  “What do think, Bobby?”

“Don’ ask me tha’.  You know damn well what I think.”

Dean rolled his eyes with more force.  “Yeah.  You’re the best, Bobby,” his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Ya wouldn’ listen to me anyway,” the man spat out.  “You don’ care.”

“I do-”

“Not enough to take our opinion.  And why do you care?  This is your job.  It’s your decision.”

“It is.  We’re just asking,” Sam agreed

“Wish Cas would think that way.”  Dean pushed his bottle away.

“He might’ve if you didn’t hide it,” Jo chimed in, hands on her hips.

“Don’t you have a game to play?” Dean didn’t take his eyes off the table as he answered.

“Nope.”  And Jo slid in next to Dean.

“If your gonna ask me why I didn’t tell Cas, don’t.  you’re two months too late.”

“I wasn’t.  And shouldn’t you be enjoying your birthday?”

“Hard to when I feel like being fucking interrogated.”

“Yah, yah, yah.  Want to do shots?”

“I’m driving,” he responded, ignoring Jo’s raised her eyebrows.  He knew he couldn’t drive drunk, which is why he only had one beer.  Though, he wished he was staying over.  If this was how the conversation was going to go, he needed to be shit face.  Cas would kill him if he stayed.

He hasn’t told anyone about Cas wanting to separate.  It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about until he knew where they both stood.  As much as he thought for a life without Cas, feeling very appealing, it didn’t feel right when it came into view.

He felt like a dick at the thought that he wanted all this to be his idea.  He hated how Cas said he fucked up. 

Lying was bad, but it wasn’t enough to be a fuck up.  Things weren’t good and he was so glad to get a break.  He needed to get away from his family.  He knew they meant well, but it was annoying having Sam point out all the cracks in his marriage.  And he needed a break from Cas.  The man clearly didn’t want him around. That was fine, he didn’t need him anyway.

He thought trying to spend the days with Cas like it used to be would be a nice send off.

*****

Cas flopped down on the couch, huffing in frustration.  He didn’t know what to do anymore.  He was so certain Dean wanted a break.  That’s why he gave him the chance.  But Dean didn’t take that.  Instead, he acted like the months before didn’t happen.  Cas would have loved it if Dean didn’t do it without talking first.

He had to talk to Dean. He should have talked to Dean months ago.  Maybe they could work through this without separating.  If they could talk—that would be a miracle—they could figure out where they went wrong.

He loved the change in Dean, but when he laid down, he was always haunted by thoughts of why the sudden change?

He couldn’t live like this anymore.  The last few days were amazing, but always left him wondering _why now_.  The thing with Dean is you had to let him do it on his time.  But sometimes it was too much of a wait. And sometimes he didn’t do anything wrong.

Dean didn’t know that times alone Cas would cry himself to sleep after a fight, blaming himself.  He made the mistake of telling Gabe, who called him stupid and Dean a very colourfully insult.  Now he keeps everything to himself and it makes him sick.  He is sick.  But the way he can get better is to let Dean go, but that thought made it even worse.  He was pathetic and he knew that. It was surprising that Dean lasted this long.

Honestly, he had to change. He had to be what he was at work at home too.  Like Dean.  It would be hard though.  He liked the way he was, but he was getting walked over, especially by Dean.  He used to have a backbone, but over time it got cut down and he didn’t know how. 

He had to be the man Dean married.  It would be hard, but if Dean was changing for him, then he would for Dean.

*****

Dean walked through the door, kicking off his boots.  He just wanted to go to bed.

“Hey,” Cas softly said, stopping in front of Dean.

“Hey,” he mumbled and placed his coat in the closet.

“How was Booby’s?”   Cas turned around as Dean walked passed him.

“Good.”  He wasn’t about to tell Cas that the night turned into an interrogation.

“I was actually thinking we could go out for your birthday.”  He sat beside his husband, watching with careful eyes.

“No.”

Of course.  The usual answer.  Dean never wanted to celebrate his birthday with him.  “Or we could stay in.”

“I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.”

Cas rolled his eyes but kept his voice level. “And yet you celebrated with you family. Not your husband?”

“I didn’t want to,” Dean sighed, pulling at his hair, which had been cut, leaving him with very little to tug.  “I just wouldn’t hear the end of it.”

“But why can’t I do something?”  Cas slid over, taking Dean’s hand in his.  He wanted to celebrate Dean’s birthday.  Every year it’s the same answer, and every time Cas asked, hoping it will change.

In the early years, Cas would force Dean to celebrate his birthday.  He always knew Dean was just going with it, but it always made Cas love him more.  Now he’s trying to bring that feeling back.  Either Dean got smarter or he didn’t care.  Both ideas hurt and he wasn’t sure which one he wanted to be true.

“Cas, you know I don’t like all fuss you make over my birthday.  It’s just another year reminding me that I’m getting older.

Cas rolled his eyes again.  “We are all, Dean.  It’s just nice to have a day for you.”

“Well, maybe for your family, but I’m not there.”  Shit.  Those were the wrong words.  He just hoped Cas knew his reason.

“Okay, Dean, we won't do anything.  But Dean, I’m not sure where we stand.  I promised I wouldn’t talk about this until after your birthday.  But you know me, I’m not good at waiting.”  He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

Dean looked at him with a blank face, a sign that he was holding his tongue.

“Dean.”  He knew he was stalling.  He was nervous.  “I-We have-I mean-”  He was cut off by Dean’s lips.  They were soft and warm, but Cas pulled back, trying to speak again.  “You can’t keep-”

“Shh,” the older man mumbled, his breath tickling Cas’ face.  “Don’t speak.”

Cas wanted to pull away, but Dean’s trailed down his neck.  He was always a goner when that happened.

“You doubt that I love you,” Dean breathed over his neck.

“Then prove it,” Cas muttered, claiming Dean’s lips again.

The kiss was gentle and soft, and Cas hated it.   He wanted passionate and deep.

He pulled at Dean,  but he sat back.  “Bedroom.”  He kissed Cas once more before dragging the younger boy up.

They made it halfway down the hall before Cas slammed Dean against the wall.  The man let out a noise of surprise before Cas cut him off.

Cas trailed kisses down his neck, sucking a mark.

“Not so hard,” Dean tried to sound warning, but ended up sounding breathless.

“I know.  I’ve done this before,” Cas growled, nipping a little too hard at Dean’s neck.  Suddenly he was flipped and pressed against the wall.

“Sure,”Dean muttered sarcastically and sealed his mouth over Cas’ neck.

“Dean, not so hard,” Cas chastised, mirroring Dean’s words.

“Please, no one will see.”

Cas was rolling his eye but out a loud moan fell out of his mouth when Dean licked a trail down his neck.

“Dean!  Please!  Stop teasing!”   Cas usually loved the teasing, but right now he just wanted Dean to make love to him.  He just wanted to get passed the build up.

“This is what you wanted, Cas.  I’m lust giving you it.”

“You bas-t” he was cut off by Dean’s lips, which made him irritated.

Dean ran his hand down Cas’ body, cupping his cock through his jeans.  He smirked smugly when he felt him twitch.  After all these years, Dean secretly loved that he could still make Cas feel like this.

“Please,” Cas whispered.  This was what he wanted—needed.  If Dean was leaving, he still needed to know he was loved.

Dean didn’t answer and pushed Cas into their room.  He backed up Cas to the bed, not breaking the kiss until his husband fell back.

Cas’ mind was far away, letting out a gasp in surprise as his back landed on the mattress.

“I would scorn you for frowning,” Dean laughed, looking down at Cas. “but you're too damn cute when you try to be mad.”

Cas wanted to say ‘wait until I’m ready’, but he was cut off by Dean kissing as he straddled Cas’ hips.

Cas felt a warm hand push his shirt up and Dean sucking one nipple.

“Dean,” Cas gasped, scratching at the other man’s back.  “Just get to it.”

Dean smirked, before leaning back and nipped Cas chest gently.  “You asked for me to show you.  I’m showing you.”

Cas’ cock pressed hard against his jeans.  “I did. But not have you torture me.”

“Then what do you want me to do?”  Dean played with Cas’ waistband, slowly pushing the button out.

“Touch me.”  He lifted his hips in invitation.  Dean took this as a plea and dragged his husband's pants down.

Dean kissed his way up to Cas’ lips.  “Lift.”

Soon Cas only had his boxers, his member hard and aching.  He would be mad that Dean was still clothed if the older man wasn't sucking his dick through the fabric.

He bucked his hips, wanting more.  Dean surprised he, pulled his boxers down with teeth.

Cas tried to sound pissed, which he failed miserably.  “That’s not fa-oooh fuck,”  Cas cried as Dean took him in his mouth.  Cas gasped loudly when he felt himself hitting the back of Dean’s throat.

Dean swirled his tongue a couple of times, smirking to himself as he felt Cas trying not to buck.

He pulled back, only leaving the head between his lips.   He held Cas’ hips down, pulling a long moan from his throat.

“Dean,” Cas whined, feeling his stomach flip.  “Stop.  I-I’m-”

Dean pulled off, chuckling at the look he got.  Cas didn’t know if he was pissed or glad that Dean stopped.

Dean reached over to the nightstand and pulled out the bottle of lube.  Cas had his eyes closed, needing a moment to compose himself.  His eyes flew open when he felt Dean’s tongue press against his hole.  They didn’t do this often, but when they did, Cas was left a mess.

Dean thrust his tongue, circling the rim.  He felt Cas squirming underneath him, moaning, hands balling the sheets.

After one long like, Dean pulled back and slicked his fingers.  He circled one before pushing in slowly.

“Fuck, Dean,  Stop teasing.”

Dean chuckled.  “Though this is what y\ou wanted,” he repeated.  He quickly pushed in a second finger, splitting him open.

 _It was_ , Cas thought, but it was too loving.  Too much like all those years ago.  It made him want to cry.  He wanted this, but actually given it, it felt foreign.  He wanted it, but he didn’t.  What was with Dean?

His thoughts vanished when Dean added a third finger.   His fingers gripped Deasn’s back, only to realize that Dean still had his clothes on.

Cas grabbed Dean’s wrist and pulled back.  “Clothes off.  I need you.”  He’s been on edge for awhile and Dean didn’t look the slightest bit disheveled.  Damn him.  He always hated when Dean was like that.  It always made Cas embarrassed.

Dean shrugged off his clothes and slicked his cock, pressing the head to his lover’s hole.

“Ready?”

“I’ve been ready since you sucked me,” Cas growled and pulled Dean closer, moaning at the slight burn.  He was terrified of loving it.

Dean began rocking, picking up speed with each thrust.

Cas hooked on Dean’s back, scratching at his shoulders.  He whimpered when Dean angled his hips, nailing his prostate.

“God,” Cas moaned as he lifted his hips, matching Dean’s thrust.  He felt the familiar feeling building in his stomach.  He wasn’t going to last.  It was a miracle he lasted this long.

Dean’s stroked him, rubbing his thumb over the leaking head.

“Please, Dean.  I’m close.”

Dean’s hips hit Cas’ prostate.  “Fuck, Cas.  A little warning.”  His hips became frantic, losing the pace he set.

Cas cried his name as he came, spilling over his stomach.  Dean gave a few rough thrusts before letting a low groan.

They stayed quite, listening to each other’s breath.  It was calming.

“I’ll be back.”  Dean got up and went to the bathroom.  Cas was too tired to do anything despite the mess he was in.

When Dean came back with a wet cloth, he cleaned Cas and himself.  He coaxed Cas under the blankets and wrapped an arm around Cas’ middle.

“I love you,” Dean whispered so quite that Cas was certain he thought it up himself.

The younger man woke up and blinked a couple of times.  Dean was still asleep, breathing softly.  It was Four in the morning, according to the clock on Dean’s nightstand.  He groaned and dropped his head into his pillow.  He hated sleeps like these, he never felt rested when had to wake up for work.

His head snapped up, careful not to wake Dean.  It was his birthday.   He smiled.  They made it to his birthday.  He got to spend Dean’s birthday together.

“Happy birthday, Dean,” he whispered and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

*****

Cas walked through the door, frowning at the lack of light.  “Dean?” he called out, kicking off his shoes.  There wasn’t a reply.  He tried again.  Oddly, Dean had gotten the day off, letting Dean to have the apartment to himself, except, he wasn’t there.

Cas walked to the bedroom, wondering where Dean went.  They always called or texted when they were going out.

Cas sighed, fishing his phone out.  He dialed Dean’s number.  There was a moment of silence before a phone went off, Dean’s phone.

Cas closed his phone and picked up the other.  He felt his stomach drop.  It felt heavy, weighing down Cas.

“Fuck!”  Cas yelled and threw the device across the room, causing it to smash against the wall.  He shouldn’t be mad.  He knew this was coming.  He should have been prepared, but he wasn’t.  He didn’t think he ever would be.

He felt dirty, letting Dean touch him like that.  Like when they first go married.  It stung.  He was finally alone, but he didn’t want it. He was stupid to suggesting the separation.  They needed it, but not like this.  Not when there was no doubt the Cas’ feelings for Dean weren’t meet.

He turned around, grabbing their wedding picture—which why did they have it hanging—and threw it.  The glass shattered onto the floor, around Cas’ feet.  Tears were welling in his eyes.  He knew last night was too good to be true.  Dean probably knew and just wanted this as a send-off.

Fuck!  He felt so disgusted with himself.  He dropped to his knees, wincing at the pain shooting through his knees as the glass pierced his skin.

His life was crumbling around and all he could do was watch.  How could everything go so wrong?  This was planned, but Cas didn’t want it.  Things have changed so much, he didn’t want more.

He refused to cry, despite his eyes stinging.  He cried so much over Dean and he wouldn’t do it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy to finally get to this point. In my original outline, Dean didn't go undercover. He was stopped by something. But, I just thought, fuck it. We are already this far down the rabbit hole, why not go all the way?
> 
>  
> 
> This is also my first smut scene since coming back, so sorry if it sucks.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six

Castiel growled as he walked past the desk and into the building, leaving Charlie in the booking room with the rowdy man they caught.

“Novak!” Charlie called out as she watched her partner leave the room.  “What the hell?”

“Looks like I’m not the one with the attitude,” the handcuffed man chuckled.

“Shut up.”  The officer pushed the man forward.

Through register, Charlie’s mind went back to Cas constantly. The whole day he had been unbearable.  He wouldn’t talk and when he did it was just instructions.  People were allowed to have bad days. But it was hard to ignore when it affected their work.

She's never seen Cas this pissed—working with or hearing about it.  He’s been like this for two days now, and it was tiring.  She seemed to be the only one to care.  Kevin and Chuck just shrugged and said it’s not a big deal.  Yeah, easy to say when they weren’t paired up with him.

They were both off tomorrow, and Charlie was going to pull Cas out tonight.  She usually let her friends deal with whatever was up their asses, but Cas never got like this and it was concerning.

*****

Cas punched his locker loudly (luckily in an empty room).  He dropped down on the bench behind him and let his head fall forward.

Fuck.  He screwed up.  The outburst was totally unprofessional and he was ashamed of himself.  He tried to keep his personal life away from work, but the last couple of days were hard.  He hated Dean more than ever.  He knew he was going, but knowing and actually experiencing it were two different things. 

Dean was a dick.  It was a harsh blow to finally realize that he was in this alone—has been for a long time.  He felt lost.  His whole life was a lie.  He just wanted to escape.  This wasn’t what he wanted.  Wasn’t what he thought he would grow into.  Maybe Michael was right, marriage was an inconvenience.

“Cas?”  He heard Charlie call out, outside the door.  “Are okay?” 

Cas rubbed a hand over his face.  He was tired and just wanted to go home.  He still had four hours left, which might as well be twelve.

“I’m fine, Charlie,” he sighed as he walked out of the room.  “Sorry about earlier.”

“I don’t care about that.  You are allowed to have days like these, but Cas, it seemed like something’s bothering you.”

_ Yeah.  My marriage is dead.  My husband left me after giving me hope.  And Sam keeps calling me. _

“Just tired.  Been a long week.”

The woman didn’t look convinced.  “Want to talk about it?  I’m a-”

“I don’t need to talk,” he snapped and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Sorry.”

“See.  You are stressed and I’ve never seen you like this.  I’m worried.”

_ I’m worried too.  I’m supposed to keep control.  I’m trying to prove that I don’t need Dean my life.  But it was hard when it wasn’t on his terms. _

“Nothing to worry about.”

“You’re lying and I hate seeing you hurt.”

“It’s not your job.”  Cas looked down at his feet, not wanting to look at the woman.

“It might not be, but you are my friend and let me be concerned.  Please let me help.  I hate seeing you like this.  It’s not you.”

“Am I not allowed to have bad days?”

“You are,” the woman spoke quietly.  “But not like this.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes.  Was he really not allowed to have a shit day—week?

“Charlie, I know you mean well, but there’s nothing to be concerned of.”  Not something he can talk about.

“Fine, I’ll drop it.  But you have to go out with me tonight.  I won’t bring this up,” she rushed out when she saw Cas’ face.  “We haven’t done this in ages.  It’s always Dean or as a group.  I miss when it’s just us.”

Cas’ mouth thinned and thought.  It’s been a long time.  They used to go out often, so much has changed in a year and he wasn’t sure how that happened.

“Fine,” he sighed.  “I’ll go.”  He was actually happy to go out.  He spent too much time in, acting like Dean wasn’t right beside him.  He wanted to be with friends.

“Wonderful,” she cheered and hugged Cas.  “I also talked to Crowley, let me finish before you say anything,” she chided, holding up a finger to stop Cas.  “You are going on the desk.  I’m doing this because I care and I don’t think you should be out there like this.”

Cas let out a dejected huff.  He hated being pulled out from his job, but Charlie was right.  He couldn’t act think he had around people.  It wasn’t professional.  It wasn’t appropriate.

“Okay.”  Cas’ shoulders sagged as he walked past Charlie to the squad room.

“Wow,’ he heard Charlie sat to herself.  The room was busy, but it always was.  He just didn’t want to be around people and that’s why he liked it on the road.

“Thought you’d put up a fight.”  Charlie flowed him to his desk.

The man shrugged and logged in.  “No point.”  He didn’t take his eyes off the screen.  He just wanted to be alone now.  It was embarrassing to be taken off the field; he didn’t need constant reminders.  “I’ll see you later.”

The woman looked like she wanted to say something, but turned around and left.

Fuck, Cas cursed in his head and dropped it hard on the desk.  He was being a dick.  It wasn’t Charlie’s fault.  She was just looking out for him.  He was mad at himself for letting his anger leak into his work.

He was going to apologize tonight.  He knew she would brush it off, but he shouldn’t be let off that easily.

“You look like want to die.”

“I do,” Cas’ voice was muffled by the desk.  He kept his head down.  He knew this was inappropriate.

“Everything okay?”  He heard shuffling across him and hands hitting the metal.

“Just fine.”  The man lifted his head and stared at Becky.” 

“I’m not,” the woman admitted.  “It’s unusual to see you like this.”

“Join the club.”  Kevin and Ethan had said similar things when they ran into their car on the streets.  When they were parking their car, Chuck asked what crawled up his ass.  Clearly, he wasn’t hiding it well.

“I know we aren’t friends, but I’ll listen.”

Cas stared at Becky for a long moment.  He didn’t hate the girl.  She was little eccentric, but nice.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, he wasn’t paired with Becky much.  Unfortunately, he didn’t have the chance to really get to know her.  Unfortunately, when they were partnered, she spent most of the time trying to set him up or pointing to guys she thought he would like.

When Cas didn’t speak, she continued.  “I also say you should try and date.  It’s been months and I haven’t seen You go out.”

“Maybe I don’t want to share my private life.”

“No.  When Ethan got a girlfriend, he shared.  Victor always shares pictures of his kids.  Anna always talks about her wedding plans.

Ugh.  Now he remembered why he didn’t want to spend time with Becky.

“Even Dean.”  Cas had to school his features at the mention of Dean.

Becky saw a flicker in Cas’ eyes before his face turned blank.  She bit her lip to stop a smile.  In the short time she’s been here, she could swear Cas had a thing for Dean.  The signs weren’t blatant but when taking the time, it was obvious.  People just didn’t care.

“I mean. I’ve never seen him take on any of the officers, but he flirts.  Most times he gets a number.  It’s kind of funny.

Cas’ heart pulled.  He knew Dean flirted, but he was able to ignore it.  When it was revealed, it hurt.  It was for appearance, but that didn’t mean he liked Dean giving anyone but him attention.

“Good for them.”  He had to look away, stomping down his jealousy.

“Sorry,” Becky cringed.

“It’s fine.”  It was.  Becky was just being Becky.  She was tolerable until times like these.

“You know, everyone is interested in why Dean went undercover.”

It took all of two days to realize where Dean went.  What people were talking about is why Dean did it.  Which was Cas’ question.  He knew why, but it made him wonder why now?

“Probably wanted a change.”  He shrugged.  He hadn’t been asked yet and didn’t want to analyze it.  There wasn’t anything deeper.  Dean always wanted this job and took the next case without a second thought.  Without thinking about Cas.  He knew he didn’t control Dean’s life, but it would have been nice to be included.

“That’s what some are saying.  Chuck said Dean never talked about wanting to go into undercover.

Fuck.  He was going to get expel from work if he didn’t control his mood.  He didn’t want to hear theories.  He was living the torture and didn’t want constant reminders.

“It’s what people do when they’re bored.”  He shrugged and tried to keep his attention on his work on the screen.

Becky continued talking, not noticing the Cas was only half paying attention.  He nearly let a sigh of relief when his shift was over.  He threw a quick ‘goodbye’ as he walked to the locker room.

*****

It was busy when Cas stepped into the bar and grill, their usual place.  He spotted Charlie, sipping her drink.

“Hey,” she cheered he when walked up to the booth.  “You made it.”

“What?  Didn’t think I would show up?” he joked and slid into his seat.

“Actually, yeah,” she said honestly.  “I just thought you’d just want to go after work,” she continued when she saw Cas’ face.

“I promised,” he frowned. 

Charlie took his hand and smiled.  “I’m glad.  It’s nice to finally do this.  Do you want a drink?”

“I’ll just have water.”  He wasn’t going to drink when he was driving, but he also wasn’t a fan of beer.  Even when he was with Dean, he drank less than the other man.

“You sure.  I wasn’t hinting beer.  We’re both driving.”

“I’m good.”  When the waiter came over, he asked for his water. “So, how was work?” Cas asked as soon as they were alone.

“I don’t want to talk about today.”

“Okay, um, I don’t know what-”

“You know we need to do this more often,” she said, cutting Cas off.  I miss talking to you.  I mean, talking in the car seems different.  We can just relax here.  Any plans for the weekend?”  She took a sip of some fruity drink she got.

“Well, I have to work all weekend, so nothing new there.  How about you?”

“True.  Got roped in by my mom to help her clean her house.  So much for a rare weekend off.”  It was rare to get a full weekend off. Usually, it was one day and not both.

“Sorry?”

“Yeah right.  You’re happy that I have to work too.”

“I didn’t say that,” he said defensively.

“you thought it though.”  She smiled and kicked Cas shine lightly.

It felt weird being here with Charlie by himself.  They’ve done it before, but Dean made friends with her first.  She also had a very open personality, which he didn’t.   

“I think I’m thankful that my brothers don’t bother me.  Well, to help them.”

“Gabe?”  She smiled, knowing the man wanted his brothers to leave him alone.

“Yep.  He and Lucie are the worst.”

“You’ve never called your brother Lucie,” she laughed, but nearly as much as she did when she heard the Lucifer’s name was that.

“He’s annoying me right now, so I’m annoying him.  He hates this name.”

“Then go for it.  You know, I want to meet your family.  I’ve met Victor’s, Kevin’, Anna’s fiancé, Ethan’s wife, hell, even Sam.  You showed up alone at the picnic.”

Cas shrugged.  Out of the officers, he was they only one with family in the city to show up alone, aside from Crowley.  They figured the staff sergeant wouldn’t. 

“They were all busy and Michael lives in Boston.”

“Yeah, but you could have had someone.  We knew months before.”

“What’s the big deal?  My life isn’t interesting and my brothers would make that clear.”

“Aren’t all siblings like that?”

“Not my brothers.  You’re lucky you’re an only child.  You don’t have to deal with the embarrassment siblings cause.”

“Unless you’re Dean,” Charlie chuckled and Cas forced one.

“Yeah, Dean loves Sam and loves holding his power over him.”

“It’s cute, though.”

Cas hummed.  It was cute, especially when they were in school.  Dean would actually put himself out there for Sam.  Even though the were grown, Dean always made sure Sam was safe, which caused the younger Winchester to protest.  But he secretly loved it.  It made him feel like when it was just the two of them.

“Doesn’t change my opinion about my brothers.”

“But I can’t tell if that’s just a brother opinion or a real one.”

“You won’t know.  I’m not introducing them.  Ever.”

The woman pouted.  “But I like to know this stuff.  You met my mom.”

“Everyone at the picnic met your mom.  Doesn’t change anything.”

“Gonna keep being secretive?” Charlie crossed her arms in mock frustration.

“I’m not,” he argued.  “I’m not just as open.  Talk to Dean if you want a real conversation.”

“I like ours just fine.  But since you brought Dean up, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh God,” he moaned.  Why was he so fucking stupid?  Just because he fought with Dean, everyone was pressing their nose in nothing.

“Look, I’m not trying step over lines-” Cas glared at his friend.  Was she catching on that Cas was anger about Dean’s leaving?  Fuck, if that was the case, he needed to hide his feelings better.

“But, it’s strange that it’s just you two that have a-” she paused, trying to find the right word “-wired hatred.  Before you say something, we all see it.  What happened?  You two used to be so close.  Almost like friends.”

Cas was silent, letting Charlie’s words wash over him.  He wanted nothing more than to be home.  When people brought up their past relationship.  It felt like people were pushing into their carefully crafted secret life.

“Time.” He finally decided on.  It was the truth.

“Bullshit.  It might have been time, but you changed in such a short time.  Something had to start it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you?  I don’t know what happened.  I didn’t see it until we were too far to fix it.”

“But I-”

“I don’t want to talk about this, please.  Work was heard, and I don’t want to deal with anything work related.”  He couldn’t go into much detail without Charlie digging further and falling onto their secret.  Now he was seriously regretting coming out.

“Fine,” she huffed.  She didn’t want to push, but Cas never shared.  He was a secret.

“Cas?”

His head snapped to the side and smiled when he saw the woman.  “Jo!”  His smile spread widely.  “What are you doing here?”

“Here on business.  Decided to stay the weekend.”

“I was going to say.  Never see you here.”

“Always for a change,” she joked and turned to Charlie.  “Hi.”

“Oh, sorry.  Jo this Charlie.  Charlie, Jo.”

Jo took Charlie’s hand and smirked.  “So, you’re Charlie.  Dean’s talks about you a lot.”

Cas noticed how the handshake lasted a slight second longer.  He smiled to himself, covering his grin.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you.”  Jo smiled and turned slightly towards Charlie.  “Finally get to put a face to a name.  Well, I should let you two alone.  Enjoy your night.”  She nodded to Cas and walked away.

“How do you know her?” Charlie asked once Jo left, standing by the bar.

“We met when we were younger.  Dean introduced us.”

Dean?” she smiled raising her brows.

“Yeah.  She’s a family friend of Dean’s,” he said without missing a beat.  “We did go to the same school.  She was around a few times.”

It was known that they both went to the same school.  But they never said they were friends then, people just assumed, which was true, but they never bothered to correct them.

“Hmm,” Charlie hummed as looked at Jo laughing with the group around her.  “I find it funny that you and Dean knew each other before this.”

“Yeah.”   _I don’t,_ he thought.  Times like these made everything harder.   They couldn’t just leave and not remember the past.

“It’s weird that you had a history.  Honestly, and I don’t want to push my nose in your business, but it’s sad to see how much you two have changed.”

“Charlie,” Cas sighed, wanting nothing more than to stop the girl’s prying.  “I really don’t want to talk about this.  I don’t want to talk about work.”   _Thanks, Jo._

“I know.  Sorry.”  She bit her lip, looking guilty.  “But, it threw us off when you two started arguing.”

“Honestly, so was I.”  He didn’t want to discuss this, not now, not with her, not with anyone.

“I’ll stop.”

They fell in silence.  Cas played with his glass as Charlie looked like she wanted to say something.  She didn’t mean to pull at Cas’ life, she was just concerned for her friend.  She wanted to help and this week has been an odd change.

“I’ll be back,” Charlie announced, pulling Cas’ from his thoughts.  He nodded his head, watching Charlie disappear around a corner. 

He really had to get a grip on himself.  He can’t be angry at Dean.  Well, he could, but not let it bleed into his work.  He was mad at Dean, but having that ruin his work was giving into Dean, which is what he always did.

When he talked about a separation, he wanted it to be an agreement, not leaving Cas behind.  This wasn’t time apart.  This was communication issues.  Which have plagued them for so long.  He needed time away from Dean, but with the sudden leave, he felt hurt.  Dean led him on the past week, which he thought would leave to a mutual parting.

Who was he kidding?  He knew Dean would leave without a word, but he didn’t think it would be so soon.  Not right after agreeing on time alone.  Not before they had a chance to talk. 

Everything was staking up against Cas and he felt like he shouldn’t even fight anymore.  What was the point?  Maybe this was a sign that all was lost.  Why fight a losing battle?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize the food was placed in front of him until his hand touched his fries.

“Shit,” he mumbled as he pulled his hand back from the heat. 

He expected Charlie eating her food when he focused back to reality.  The other side of him was empty.  He furrowed his brows.  He spotted Charlie by the bar, leaning against the counter as she talked to Jo.  He rolled his eyes and went back to his food.

He was picking at his fries, having lost his appetite, when Charlie slid back in the booth.

“Sorry,” she said as she grabbed a fry.

“Mm-hmm.”  He dropped his head, smiling as Charlie glared at him.

*****

The following week, Cas did his best to keep everything to himself.  Charlie saw through it.  He’s been paired with her for almost every shift, which was a blessing.  She knew not to push him.

“This is crazy,” Charlie sighed heavily as she looked over the body with the symbol painted in blood on the wall.  This was the second murder this year.  It wasn’t like they didn’t know who it was.  Only one person left a signature like the one the wall.

“He’s playing us.”  Cas groaned.   Marv has been taunting the NYPD once the new year.  Letters were sent about crime scenes—fake ones.  When they did find a body, they never got a hint.  It annoyed Tessa, who lashed out at them.

Dean should be here, Cas thought.  He was the one that knew all of this.  He spent the better part of the year digging up Marv’s crimes.

When Tessa showed up they gave their statement and left the building.

“We are getting nowhere.  He doesn’t leave any clues.  Like, give us some help.”

“I’m sure that’s what he wants.”  They all knew who the killer was and who signed the notes, which was stupid on Marv’s part.  If he was caught they had a stake of proof on him.  There was just one problem, the man was a ghost.

“I'm surprised none of the gangs have gone after,” Charlie admitted, looking up at the building.

Cas knew Marv was after all the gangs that were known in the city.  Dean had said, back then, that Marv was  _very_ interested and said if he ran one then he didn’t want competition.  Well, that wasn’t a thought anymore.

Then there was Ezekiel, who was always at the crime scene.  The one time they caught him was the only time.  He was like Marv, impossible to catch and yet always there.

Cas head snapped from the road.  A crazy thought formed in his head.  “What if it’s Ezekiel the one who is doing the killings?  What if he’s doing Marv’s dirty work?”

The woman looked at him like his idea.

“Just listen.  We haven’t found a trace DNA at these scenes—no fingerprints or blood.”

“That also could mean that Marv is just meticulous.”         

“I know this sounds strange, but why is Ezekiel at every crime scene.  It’s never Marv.”

“That your only proof.  We can’t go on a theory with no evidence.”

Castiel felt dumb, but he knew he was right.  If he could only get the proof he needed.  If they got him they could probably get Marv.

He let out a deep breath, keeping his head.  What was he thinking?

“Look,” Charlie quieted her voice and rubbed his arm.  “I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but you can’t go on a theory that came to your head.  Right now, I think we should do what we are assigned to do.”

Cas didn’t feel any better.  He sadly needed Dean or maybe curse Dean for putting the thought in his head as the dickhead ran off.

He didn’t know what to do anymore.  It was easier if Dean was here.  People generally listened to his theory with more belief.  He was the sidekick.  The one who finally spoke up only to have people doubt him.  He was too submissive and he hated that.  He wasn’t.  But sadly, people took his none conformation personality as a fool with no backbone.

Cas just nodded, but didn’t speak.  There wasn’t anything he wanted to say.  He just wanted to done and pretend this conversation didn’t happen.  Peoples always doubted him.

The two officers walked quietly to their cruiser.  He had a feeling he was being watched. As if this day wasn’t weird enough.  He turned to the road, only to find it empty.  He looked up and down, frowning when he found nothing.  He shouldn’t feel disgruntled, this wasn’t new.  Whenever they were called to a crime, Cas had the feeling that he was being watched.

He wasn’t about to tell Charlie.  She already thought he was nuts.  He started feeling like someone was watching them after they took Ezekiel in.  He thought he was being paranoid, but it continued to happen each time they responded.

Dean was actually interested.  But in the end, all it ever became was a feeling.  He hated feeling like he was being watched.  He hated feeling like his privacy was gone.

“Let’s go,” Cas demanded as he turned around, heading to his side.

The car ride was quiet, Charlie was giving him time to calm down.  She knew she had been harsh, but she didn’t want to think anymore about this case.  They weren’t the detectives here. 

“I’m sorry,” she nearly whispered.

“What for?”  Cas continued staring out the window.

“How I acted back there.  You were prodding and I didn’t like the sounds of some of the ideas.  I kind of just want this to be a simple case.”

“It’s not.”  Cas turned to face Charlie.

“I know, but it scares me that this man is messing with us and we are only getting shit.”

“I know, but we can’t wait for bodies to show up.  We have to move forwards and try to find clues.”

“I know.  Dean said the exact same.”

They didn’t reply.  He felt his stomach churning.  Even when Dean wasn’t here, he still felt like someone would catch one and expose them.  Everyone knew he was a shit liar, which was a fucking miracle no one caught onto their secret.

*****

Victor and Chuck were standing by the copier, watching Cas, who was typing, unaware he was being watched.  Well, not watched, just observing.

“Cas has become different,” Victor stated, watching Cas turn to the papers on his desk.

“How?” 

Victor shrugged and continued to watch Cas.  “I don’t know.  It’s like he’s finally—I don’t know.  It’s hard to explain.  He’s just not his self.”

“You know, Charlie said something similar last week when responded to the case.  He was doing what Dean would do.  I mean, it’s a good thing, but-” he shrugged, not knowing how to say it.  It’s exactly what Victor said, it was had to explain.  It was just there.

“It is,” Victor agreed, not moving his gaze.  “It is, but it doesn’t fit Cas.”

“I hate saying this, but it’s kind of like he’s being Dean.”

“Mm-hmm.”  He felt like now.  Now trying to be Dean, taking on some of his traits.  It oddly didn’t fit Cas.  As long as he knew the officer when Dean and Cas were paired, he was the one to calm the situation.  It wasn’t that Cas lost his personality, he was just… Different.

“It’s kind of like Cas is being both Dean and him,” Chuck observed.  He didn’t like it.  He liked Dean and Cas’ dynamic.  He always liked when they were paired together, until when they weren’t.  Oddly, they still worked well together, but they weren’t the same.

“It’s kind of concerning.”

“It’s strange.  I’ve always got the feeling that Cas liked Dean.”

“What?”  Victor’s head snapped to Chuck.

Chuck shrugged.  “I just thought.  I’m not the best at relationships, but Cas would look at Dean when he wasn’t looking.  He always looked so happy.  You don’t think Cas finally asked and that’s why they don’t get along.”

“I doubt it.  Well, the rejection.  I don’t think Cas would jeopardize their relationship.

“I don’t-” he cut off as soon as he saw Cas walking towards them.

“Hi Chuck, Victor.  May I?”  He pointed to the copier they were standing in front of.

“Oh, sorry.”  Chuck moved to the side, pushing Victor aside.

“How are you?” Victor asked when Cas didn’t say anything but a ‘thanks’.

“I’m good.”  He smiled, looking up for a moment before watching the new papers fall onto the tray.  “You?”

“Good,” the older officer answered, nudging Chuck.  “Guess we should get back to work,” he said more to Chuck than Cas.

The younger man looked up and nodded.  The two other officers hurried down the hall.

*****

Cas dropped his keys into the bowl and kicked off his shoes.  He laid down on the couch and groaned.  His day was far from being demanding, but he only wanted to curl up in bed and sleep until next week.

Tomorrow was his last day on days before he began the overnight shift.  He always hated them, but when he was with Dean, though they fought, they didn’t do it often when they did nights.  This was his first time on overnights and he didn’t know what to feel.

For the past weeks, Cas had tried to lead a life without Dean, which was hard.  He never lived on his own, which was a big change, but it wasn’t as hard as he thought.  He actually liked being the only person in the house.  He liked the feeling that he was on his own.

He didn’t place their wedding picture back up.  He felt like it would be a constant reminder of what they have lost.  Instead, he shoved the picture into his nightstand, next to his ring.  The two major pieces of evidence of their relationship.

He wanted to go to bed, but as tired as he was, he was too wound up to settle down.  It was like every shift made him tired and irritated.  He’s been at work with the police for eight years and he wasn’t allowed to change his personality.  He wasn’t.  He had a similar mindset as Dean, but he wasn’t as vocal.  But with Dean, he was cushioned.  Now, people were questioning him.  It was frustrating.

He jumped when the shrill ring of the phone filled the room.  He grumbled under his breath.  There were only two people that would call this late at night.

“What do want, Gabe?”  He had a fifty percent chance of getting it right.  Luckily, he was right.

“Cassie is that any way to talk to your brother.”

“When it’s midnight,  _yes_ ,” he seethed.  He didn’t want to deal with his brother.  He didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. 

“I’m hurt.   I haven’t seen you in a month.”

“Maybe there was a reason for that,” he muttered sarcastically, pushing his head into the cushion.

“I’m hurt.  I know you have the next two days off and I want to see you.”

“Gabe, I’m trying to be nice, but that vacation we took was more than enough time.”

“I agree, but this is a new year, and we need to get together.”

“What about Lucifer?”

“Already saw him.  Now it’s your turn.”

Cas gritted his teeth.  He loved his family, but that didn’t mean he wanted to spend time with them.  He had nothing in common with them. 

“Fine,” he mumbled, voice muffled by the cushion.  He should really go out.  He’s closed off his social life since Dean left, not like he had a social life before.   “Now will you let me sleep?”

“In a moment.  So, Dean left?”

“How do you know?”  Cas’ head snapped up.  He was sure he didn’t say anything to his family.

“Sam told me.”

Of course.  Sam was sweet, but that put fault into him oversharing.

“Great,” he said mostly to himself.  “Why do you care?”  Really, none of his brothers gave a shit. 

“Love does crazy things to people.”

“Since when do you fall in love?  And it’s been less than two months.”  He fell in love fast and hard, but that’s because he was a young and naïve teenager.  Gabe had a history of jumping around.

“Since I met Sam.”

They never touched on the subject of Gabe dating Sam.  It was mentioned once when Gabe said he was going out with Sam, but Cas felt he was stepping over a line with Dean gone if he asked for more.

“I still say you aren’t capable.”  He knew he was being mean, but he was also being true and he didn’t want Sam to get hurt.  The man was crushed when Jess broke up with him.  He didn’t want that to happen and be partly at fault.

“This feels different.  I don’t know.  I know it sounds stupid, but I want this to last.”  The man’s voice was soft and fearful.

“Wow.”  That was all Cas could say.  He never heard Gabe—hell, any of his brothers—sound so unsure of themselves.  He wanted to crack a joke like Gabe would, but his brother was being… Real.

“Mm,” was all he got in reply.

“Well, I’m happy for you.”   _Be happier than I,_ he thought.  He was happy for his brother.  He never thought he would see the day where Gabe settled down.  It was still very earlier, but what Gabe was saying was a leap for him.  He didn’t want this life on anyone.  He loved Dean.  He didn’t regret his time with him, but if he knew how it would end up he didn’t think he would go with it.

“Thank you.  So, will you grace me with your presences?”  And he was back.

“Fine,” Cas huffed.  “Now will you let me sleep.”

“Of course!”

Cas rolled his eyes.  “Bye, Gabe.”  He hung up before Gabe could say anything.  He’ll call tomorrow and figure out a day.  Right now, he didn’t have the energy.  He dropped the phone onto the floor and turned, too tired to move. 


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler chapter, but we get to see Cas happy.

February bled into March and while the weather warmed up, there was still a chill in the air.  Though that most of the days were sunny.  They were inching out of winter and into spring and as the weather was improving, so was Cas’ mood.

Cas walked out of the locker room, rearranging his bag over his shoulder. 

He was supposed to go to dinner with Gabe, but his brother got called into work, so he would have to find something to eat.  He was considering pizza, but he figured he should make dinner.  Be progressive.

“Hey, Cas,” Kevin said as he rounded a corner by the changing room.

“Hi, Kevin,” Cas greeted, stopping by the younger officer. 

He was on opposite rotations with Kevin, Charlie, and Garth.  It wasn’t a problem, but his partners were ones he knew but didn’t work with them a lot.  It was fine.  It was a change.  His life was a constant change from a year ago.  May as well take all that come to him.

“Finally going home?” the officer teased and stopped in front of Cas.

Cas grimaced and nodded.  He had the day shift, but got caught up with paperwork and was an hour behind.  It didn’t matter.  He was supposed to go out with Gabe, but now he had nothing going on, so he was alone for the night.

“Well, at least you're done.  Booking is hell.”

“Boring or crazy.”

“Boring.  That’s why I took my break early.”

“Well, good luck.”  This was why he hated booking.  Nothing happened or every thing happened at once.

“Thanks,” Kevin said sarcastically.

Cas grinned and watched Kevin walk away before walking out of the building.

*****

Cas was walking out of his room when the phone rang.  He hurried to the phone on the side table by the couch.  He picked it up without looking at name flashing on the screen

“Hello?” he asked as he walked back to the closet by the door to straighten his shoes, which he just kicked off when he got home.

“Hi, Cas,” Sam’s voice flew through the receiver.

“Sam.  Hi,” he said again.  He stood up and walked to the couch.  “How are you?”

Sam was silent for a moment.  “I’m good.  Cas, can we-” he cut off which had Cas raising his eyebrows.  Sam sound hesitant and unsure of himself.

“Is everything okay?”  It wasn’t new to have Sam call.  They still talked and at times go out for lunch, but those were with Gabe also.

“I’m fine, Cas.  I-I… Cas, can I come over?  Not tonight, but I really need to talk to you.”

“Are you okay?”  Cas heard Sam mumble, but too low for him to hear.  “Sam?”

“Yeah.  Yeah,” Sam rushed out.  “Things are fine, but Cas we talk?”

“Um?  Sure?” he didn’t mean to answer it as a question, but Sam never asked if they could talk.   The last time they met up to talk about something specific, it was Cas asking about Dean.

He heard Sam let out a breath of relief.  He furrowed his brow as Sam acted shy.  Before he could say anything, Sam cut in.

“When can we me?”

“Yeah, sure.”  He could practically see Sam relax. “Tomorrow? Eleven.”   

“Thank you.  I know I’m being vague, but I really need to talk and I need to do this in person”

“It’s fine, Sam.”  Cas smiled.  He always liked the younger Winchester, and even though he sided with Dean on multiple things (he understood, Dean was his brother), but he never shut Cas out.

“Still.  I owe you. Cas.  I’ll explain tomorrow.”

“Okay,” he replied, not knowing what else to say.  They said ‘goodbyes’ before hanging up.

Now Cas was interested in what Sam had to say.  It had to be something important.  But what?  Nothing significant has happened so far.

He would find out tomorrow.  If I wasn’t ten at night he would have asked Sam to come over now, but he could wait.

*****

Sam buzzed only a few minutes after eleven.  Cas was in a t-shirt of Dean’s (which became his years ago) and sweatpants.  He had nothing going on today, so he didn’t bother changing out of lounge clothes.

He let Sam in and stepped aside for Sam to walk through the threshold.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Cas asked, standing across the sofa, which now had Sam on it.

“Water?” the younger man asked, shifting a little.

Cas nodded and went into the kitchen.  He came back with two glasses.  He placed one on the coffee table and took the other as he sat on the armchair.

Sam took a sip before turning to Cas.  He was frowning and looked like he was fighting with himself.

“Cas, before I start, promises me you’ll let me finish.  Hear me out first.”

Cas pursed his lips and swirled the water in his glass.  “Say that doesn’t do anything to reassure me.”

“Sam chuckled and rubbed his hands together.  “No,” he agreed.  “But let me say what I need to.”

Cas nodded, but realize that he had his head down.  “I promise.” 

Sam looked up and smiled.  Cas returned the smile and started to create circles with his water.

“I honestly don’t know how to start,” Sam admitted, looking back down.  “I’m ashamed with myself.  Cas, I’m sorry.” The man looked over to Cas.  “I’m not really doing a good job at explaining.”

Cas shook his head.  “Not really.  Sorry.” He bit his lip.

“It’s fine.  I-” Sam cut off and groaned.  “I’m sorry,” he finally decided and looked to Cas.

Cas stared, stunned.  Why was Sam apologizing?

“It’s complicated,” Sam answered when he saw Cas’ confusion.  “Well, not really.  I wasn’t there for you Cas.  I stuck with Dean when he was hurting you.”

Cas wanted to interrupt.  He wanted to tell Sam he had nothing to apologize for.  Sam was loyal to Dean, and he felt like he had to stand by him.  Maybe not?

“I just stood by, and I know it was wrong.  You don’t deserve what Dean has put you through.  And I know our dad messed Dean up, but he had no right to lean on that until now.”

Cas wanted to agree.  It was so hard to hear what he was feeling being put into words by one of the two people he never wanted to figure it out.  It should have been a relief to have Sam see how much he was suffering, but also hated that Sam finally saw through him.

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Sam said, dropping his eyes from Cas’.  “We all hurt you and-”

“You didn’t,” Cas interrupted, unable to listen to Sam’s apology.  There wasn’t much to apologize for.  It was all Dean.  Sam just got dragged into it.

Sam laughed and shook his head.  “You’re too kind, Cas.  But I did fuck up.  I could have said something to Dean-”

“You couldn’t,” Cas said, giving Sam a small smile.  He was glad Sam was apologizing, but he never faulted Sam.  Yes, he would have liked Sam to not follow Dean so much.  But there’s no erasing the past.  Sam was here now, and that’s all that mattered.

“I couldn’t,” Sam agreed.  When Dean set his mind to something, there was no changing it.  “But I could have said something.  I still say I’ve hurt you, and that was something I never wanted to do.”

Cas only nodded.  “Thank you, Sam.  It did hurt, but I just say it was because Dean is your brother.”

“Still doesn’t excuse me.  I’m grown now and don’t need to depend on Dean.”

“I don’t want you to feel-”

“I shouldn’t have, though,” the other Winchester continued.  “I was late, but let me apologize.  I kind of want to go back to what it was like before.  Not go back,” Sam corrected before Cas could speak.  “I want what we had before.  I miss not seeing you.  And when Dean didn’t bring you, I should have said something.  I didn’t.  But I want to start.”

“I would like that too,” Cas admitted.  He really missed Sam and Bobby, though the latter scared the shit out of him at times.  He wanted Sam back. 

Sam smiled and let out a soft sigh.

Cas chuckled and smiled.  “Didn’t think I would forgive you?”

“Honestly, no.  Not this easily.”

Cas frowned and felt the urge to take Sam’s hand.  “I don’t blame you.  Yes, I miss our visits, but I don’t blame you for siding with Dean.”

“You should.  I made a mistake and I knew what Dean was doing was wrong.”

“He’s your brother.”  Cas shrugged and sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees, being careful with his glass.  “If Dean was my brother, I would do the same.”

“That’s sick.  What Dean has done should not be forgiven.”

“Maybe not.  But I did fall in love with him somehow and he still has that pull.  And sometimes you don’t realize what you are doing.”

“Are you defending him?” Sam asked, almost sounding shocked.

“Maybe,” Cas confessed.  “I’m not saying that I will forgive him.  He has a lot to apologize for.  He needs to show me that he wants to fix this.”

“Do you think you can forgive him?”  Sam was a little curious.  He knew Cas’ forgiving is to a fault, but he felt what his brother has done wasn’t easy to ignore.  He wanted Cas to make his brother work for Cas.

“I don’t know,” Cas said, truthfully. 

In the past, he just blamed Dean’s control on John, but as years past, he realized Dean was stuck.  Right now, he wanted Dean to fight for him.  He wanted to see that his husband still loved him.  He wanted to work with Dean.  But only time would tell if they are too far to fix.

“I want to.”

“Look, Cas.”  Sam shifted closer to the armchair.  “I want you to do what is good for you.  If you feel like you need out, do it.  Do this for yourself.”

Cas wanted to laugh and cry.  He never thought he would be talking about how he would deal with Dean.  He never thought he would be talking about it with _Sam_ of all people.  He felt bad that Sam felt like he had to do this.

“I want to be here for you, Cas.  I can’t support Dean.  He needs to fix this.”

Cas didn’t want to tell Sam that he and Dean were supposed to take a break and try to fix them.  But Dean left and now he really didn’t know.  He loved Dean, but maybe that wasn’t enough to forgive Dean.

“Thank you, Sam.  I really appreciate this.”

“I just want you to know I want to be here for you.  I haven’t, but I want to.  If you will let me.  Of course,” he added the last part, not wanting to make Cas think he was pushing him.

Cas laughed, not knowing what he was feeling.  He was so relieved that Sam wanted to be here for him.  Yes, it was sudden, but he could never hate Sam.

“I’d like that.”

They fell silent after that, not sure what else to say.  Both said what they wanted and didn’t want to say.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Sam finally spoke.

“Do you want to go out for lunch?  If you are free,” Sam rushed out as he took in Cas’ amused face.

“I would,” Cas smiled, and he did.  He wanted to go out with Sam.  He hasn’t seen Sam much this year with Dean gone, he wanted to start what he had with Sam.

*****

Cas walked out of the parade room, talking to Garth, who had started to talk with him before Parade started.  They were both on desk duty, so Garth took the desk across Cas.  Anna was at the desk next to him, he didn’t get a chance to say anything to her as Garth was still in the middle of a story that happened on Saturday.

“You really did that?” Anna chimed in, stopping Cas from commenting.

“Sadly,” Garth groaned and dropped his head to his chest.

Cas looked to Anna and bit his lip to stop his smile.  He really did feel sorry for Garth, but him spilling a can of paint over his sister’s carpet, it was a little funny.

“Sorry,” Cas said, trying to sound sympathetic.

“Do you know how expensive it is to replace a carpet?”

“I thought you were helping her paint her bathroom?”  Anna furrowed her brows and looked at Cas.

“I was,” Garth confessed and lifted his head.  “I dropped it in her bedroom.”

Cas and Anna exchanged a look and turned back to the younger man.

“How?  Why the bedroom?” 

“It’s an en suite,” Garth explained.  “I opened it and forgot I only had the lid placed over the can.  Slipped out of my hand.”

“Rough,” Anna commented.

“How did your sister react?”  Cas was curious what Garth had to deal with.   He knew Garth was a family man.  He was always helping his parents and sister.  Cas never had that.  He and all of his brothers were independent.  It was also known when Michael left for Boston.  He wished he had that.

“She was pissed.  Which I understand.  I have to pay to fix it.”

“Well, that’s fair,” Anna agreed and earned a glare from Cas.  “What?” she whispered, looking to the older officer.  “It is.”

Cas wanted to say he agreed, but not to say that to Garth.

“It’s fine,” Garth shrugged.  “It’s fair.”

“So how much will it be?”  Cas didn’t know much about Garth’s sister.  He only saw a picture of her when he and Garth had booking.  They got bored and decided to share family photos.  He had a hard time finding a picture of all his brothers, earning a laugh from Garth.

She was a cute girl.  Only two years younger than Garth and was living on her own for the first time.  All Cas knew was that and her name was Olivia.

“Too much.”

Anna laughed and glanced at Cas.  She grinned sheepishly; she did feel bad.  But it was kind of funny.  They laughed at each others’ problems.  It wasn’t new.

“I’m just glad she’s not too mad.”

“She’s your sister,” Cas pointed out, but Garth groaned. 

“You forgive your brothers this easily?”

“I don’t have to.  I never have them help me.  I-” he cut himself.  He was about to say Dean did most of the things that needed to be done.  Except painting.  Cas usually did that, which was what he was doing this week.  It’s been five years since they painted and Cas wanted a change.  His life was not what it had been this time last year.  He needed a change.  He knew he should have talked to Dean, but he couldn’t and he showed no care. 

“Oh yeah.  If you fuck up, it’s on you.”

Cas rolled his eyes.  “Thanks for that, Anna.

Anna laughed again and leaned back in her chair, rocking back and forth.  “I do feel bad, though.”

Garth frowned and looked down at his desk.  “What to talk about something besides my crying bank account?”

“My mom wants to choose my dress,” Anna shrugged and look at Cas.  “She does,” she said as she saw Cas’ expression.

*****

Cas was just in the middle of painting the bathroom when his phone rang.  He grumbled and looked around the room.  He couldn’t really move without stepping on the drop cloths. 

This was the third time his phone rang, which was rare.  He could go a few days without his home phone going off.  He had his cell, but he preferred to use that when he was out.

Gabe called this morning, but he wasn’t in the mood to answer it.  He really just wanted to get the painting done this week.  He already did their bedroom, which was now as a mess.  He was doing the living room and kitchen tomorrow.  He only had two days off this week and he was using it.

_“Hey, Cas.  Is everything okay?  You haven’t answered your phone.”_

Shit.  He reached for his sweats, feeling his empty pocket.  He realized he left his phone in the kitchen, which really wasn’t a problem.  He didn’t have time to answer messages.

 _“Anyway,”_ Sam continued, _“I was wondering if you wanted to go out soon?  Or you could come over?  Jo also wants to see you.”_

Cas had to strain his ears to hear Sam’s message.  Since Sam’s apology, the younger man was really trying.  It was nice, but he didn’t want Sam to feel like he needed to make it up to him.  He wanted things to be normal, but he would let Sam do what he wanted.

He also hasn’t seen Jo since that day out with Charlie, and he wanted to see her again.  He liked Jo and he missed not seeing her as much this past year.

_“Let me know if you want to and a time that works for you.  Talk to you later.”_

He would call Sam back when he was done with the bathroom. 

He liked the colours he picked and he did feel bad for not talking with Dean, but he needed to be happy.  He needed to make this place his, even if was only for a few months, year?  He didn’t know.  Cops have gone under for over a year, and he was worried Dean was doing that.  So, in the meantime, he needed to do things to make him happy.

It took nearly an hour to finish the bathroom.  He would have to add a second coat later, but for now, he just wanted to relax.  He was tired, he’s been wanting to change their place for over a year.  He was sure Dean wouldn’t have cared if he did it last year, but he would have had a few things to say about the colours. 

He dropped down on the couch and let his head fall back.  He closed his eyes to just relax.  He must have dozed off because the sun was setting when he woke up.

“Damn it,” he sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

He still needed to add another coat to his bedroom and the bathroom.  He would have to sleep on the couch tonight.  And he still had to call Sam.

He took a deep breath before pushing off the couch and dragged himself into his bedroom.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to paint while tired, but he needed to get this done.

It was close to eleven when Cas dropped his roller into the paint tray.  Finished.  Well, for today.  Tomorrow would be agony.  When he and Dean painted the kitchen, and living room at first, it was hell but wasn’t too hard with the help.  Now, it was just him.  It was going to take all day.

He slowly cleaned up the paint mess before collapsing onto the couch.  He didn’t care that he hasn’t eaten since breakfast or that he wasn’t even ready for bed.  He knew he would be starving when he woke and his mouth would be like a desert in the morning, but he couldn’t find the energy to get up.

*****

Cas stepped into the coffee shop he had agreed to meet Sam at.  He didn’t have a weekend off until two weeks from now but was currently on night shifts, so he agreed to meet up with Sam and Jo before work.

He spotted Sam at a table by a window and walked over.

“Hi,” he greeted, accidentally interrupting something Jo was saying to Sam.  “Sorry.”

Jo jumped and let out a small gasp.  “Cas!” she said, slightly loud, either by her shock or her excitement, Cas didn’t know.  It was most likely the former, though.  “Hi.”

She turned to face the table and smiled.  She was excited when Sam said Cas agreed to meet them.  She was sure Cas wouldn’t say no, but it was still a relief.

“Hi, Cas,” Sam said, turning to face the older man.  He still felt like he had so much to do for Cas, even though the man said he didn’t.  It was his guilt.

Jo and Sam already had coffee, but Cas didn’t.  He would get some before work, but he wanted to see Sam and Jo, and he didn’t have time to have dinner.

“So, how are you, Jo?”  It was cliché, but he hasn’t seen Jo since that one night, and it was just a run in.

“I’m good.  Work’s boring, but I’ve always said that.”  The woman shrugged and grabbed her cup.  “Still want to leave.”

“Have you looked for anything?”

“A little.  I don’t know.”  The woman glanced at Sam, but he just shrugged. 

What?

“You get comfortable in a place, you don’t want to start all over.”

Cas had to agree.  In the past couple of years, he had—still was considering a transfer.  He still wanted to fix things with Dean and maybe if he left 23, then they could start fixing them.  But after seven years, he got to know almost everyone there.  He didn’t want to start over and be the ‘rookie’ at the new precinct.

“You do.  It’s harder when you’ve been there for years.”

“Yeah.”  Jo hummed and stared down at her cup.  She had a feeling that Cas was dealing with something similar.  She knew when he first started working with Dean, he wanted a change.  She thought he was over that.  But, maybe not.

“Luckily, you’re not there yet, Sam,” Cas chuckled and tried to lighten the mood.

“It also helps that you are doing what you love.  Good on you, Sammy.”

“Cas is,” Sam argued and regretted as soon as the words were out.  “Sorry.”

“Okay,” Jo clasped her hands and dropped her hands onto the table.  “I actually have something I want to say.”

“Jo-” Sam hissed, but Jo paid him no mind.

Cas didn’t get a chance to ask what was going on.  Sam was shifting in his seat and grabbed his cup to have something to do.

“Sam doesn’t want me to do this,” Jo started, glaring at Sam.

Cas wanted to laugh, but he was too confused to laugh at the exchange.

“You probably don’t see it this way, but I owe you an apology.”

“For what?”  For Sam, yeah.  He didn’t say it, but Sam wasn’t there for him.

“Well, I know Dean and I were closer, but I just let him treat you like that.”

Cas wanted to jump in.  He was tired of people thinking he was delicate.  Yes, it was nice for Sam to apologize, but Jo?  It was nice, but she really was friends with Dean first.  Gabe has friends who weren’t crazy about Gabe settling down.  If he is.  It’s only been over two months.  Either way, friends at times didn’t like whom their friends were dating.  He knew Jo liked him, but he honestly never expected her to side against Dean.

“You don’t have to Jo.  Dean’s your friend.”

“Doesn’t mean I agreed with every thing he did.  I felt like I had to.  My mom’s friends with Bobby and I was worried that if Dean-”

“Jo,” Cas cut in and leaned over the table.  He didn’t like people feeling like this.  Even if Jo sided with Dean, she didn’t do anything to him.  “You didn’t do anything.  Yes, you did just stay with Dean, but if I was in your shoes, I would have done the same.”

He felt sick admitting that.  He hated to think about Dean and him as friends and Dean with someone else.  Even though he didn’t wish this life on anyone, he would say silent.  He loved Dean and if they were ever just friends, he wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt that.

He was fucked up.  Even when he fell in love with Dean.

“I still feel bad.  Dean’s not like this.”

“I know he’s not,” Cas admitted and sat back in his chair.  “We both know.”

Sam stayed silent and took to staring out the window.  He let Jo and Cas have their moment, but he was also questioning what was going on with Dean now.  They were all wondering what his brother was going through now.  They were all suffering, but Cas was dealing with it all.

A laugh broke his wandering thoughts and brought him back to reality.  He blinked a couple of times and turned to see Jo and Cas laughing.

Cas found Sam’s eyes and smiled.  “Glad you came back.”

“Huh?”  Sam frowned and looked to Jo, hoping she would answer.

“We called your name three times, but you didn’t acknowledge.”

“You didn’t miss anything, though,” Cas joked, causing Jo to laugh again.

Okay, Sam missed something. 

“Um, okay.”

“You really didn’t.  We were talking about work again.  And I was just asking if Jo wanted to come over.”

Sam raised his eyebrows.  Cas never had Jo or himself over without Dean.  Well, he never had a chance before.

“You’re invited to.  It’ll be fun.”  He looked to Jo and smiled.

Sam knew the acceptance and invite was a huge deal for Jo.  She had been worried all day, which Sam had reassured her multiple times she really didn’t do anything wrong.  But he also knew Jo needed Cas’ word for it.

“Um-” he glanced to Jo and saw her smiling and nodding “-Sure.”

He really missed hanging out with just Cas.  They didn’t do it much anymore.  Back when Sam moved to Manhattan, he and Cas would hang out often.  Now?  No.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

**_2 Months later_ **

Rain came down hard, hitting against the glass.  Cas walked out of his room, zipping up his jacket.  It’s been raining all day and showed no sign of lighting up.  The dark clouds made the day feel later than it was, causing Cas to panic.  He didn’t want to be late for the second day this month.

He was just starting his rotation of overnights and he didn’t want to be late, _again._     The month has been hard.  Gabe dragged him to dinner four times this month, two with Sam, and then Lucifer showed up last Saturday.

He was feeling tired, which was normal.  He never slept well when he worked overnights.  Despite having heavy curtains, he couldn’t get his head around that he was sleeping in daytime.  Dean always teased him about it.  And the rain didn’t make it any better.

He pulled on his shoes, groaning at the idea of water soaking his socks.  He never liked the rain.  At least with snow, he had boots.  

He grabbed his phone and pocketed.  He took his keys, stopping as his hand clenched around the metal when he heard the door open.

His head shot up to see who was walking in.  He felt his heart stop and the breath leave his lungs as he looked at the man.

“Dean?” he gasped, barely above a whisper.

This couldn’t be real.  It’s been three months.  He finally just got used to being on his own.  He was finally able to move on.  He was finally able to look at their marriage clearly.  Why was this happening now?

“Hi.”  Dean grinned sheepishly, dropping his bag by the wall.

“Y-you’re back?”  He didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but knowing Dean, he could just be stopping by.

“I am.” He said softly, making Cas take a step back.

No!  No!  No!  He can’t do this.  He stared at Dean unable to believe it.  Unable to believe the last few months happen.  Fuck.

He turned around, letting out a heavy breath.  He tugged his hair, needing the pain to know this was real.

“Cas?  Look, I’m sorry.”   

“No!  You don’t get to be sorry.  Fuck.”

To Dean’s credit, he did look guilty.  Good.  He better feel ashamed.  He can’t just walk back in and expect Cas to drop to his knees and take him back.  Especially, when he left at a critical part of their marriage.

“Cas, I-”

Cas shook his head.  He needed to leave.  He had work and if he didn’t leave he was probably very close to slapping Dean. 

“No,” he said, more to himself.  “Just-”

“Cas?”

“Stop saying my name!  I just can’t do this.”  His voice was horas, tears were welling in his eyes, he wasn’t going to give Dean his weakness.

“Hey.” Dean reached out his hand, but Cas dodged it.  “Please.”

“No, Dean.”  He shook his head and opened the door.  “I can’t talk.  If I do, I might hit you and I don’t want that.”  He slammed the door shut before Dean could speak.  He waited until he was in his car before he let the tears fall.

He was so stupid.  He was pathetic.  He worked so hard to build a life without Dean.  As much as Dean’s leaving felt like a betrayal, he decided to take this as their much-needed time apart.  Except, Dean’s return threw him off his path.  He should have waited.  Should have had more time than three months.

He loved being on his own.  He’s never had that luxury before.  And he loved it, but there was that sick part of him that craved Dean.  And he was mad that Dean could walk in like he just got back from a shift.

He didn’t move until his eyes dried, leaving hot tracks in their place.  He pulled down the visor and cringed when the mirror showed the damage.  There was no doubt that he had spent the past ten minutes crying.  He couldn’t go into work like this.  His whole day was now fucked.

He sat in the garage for five more minutes before facing the fact that he had work.  He wondered if he could call in.  He couldn’t.  It was too short of a notice.

On his way, he thought up of a reason for him to have been crying.  There wasn’t anything.  Which made sense.  His life was never easy, but not enough to cry over.

He was surprisingly early when he just spent nearly twenty minutes in his car.  He quickly changed and rushed to the break room.  The coffee was shit, but he needed something.

He was on his third cup when Becky walked in, smiling.  Did this girl not stop smiling?

“Hi, Becky,” he greeted as he finishing his current cup.

“Hi, Cas,” she cheered, bubbly.  Someone should not be this perky for night shifts.

“Night shifts haven’t killed you yet?”  Night shifts were hard in his first couple of years, but over time they were okay.  Except for the sleeping part.

“Not yet.  Everyone keeps telling that.  But-” she shrugged.

“You’re lucky.”   He glanced at the clock and sighed.  “Better go.”

“Have fun.”  He waved as he walked to the car park.

“Thought you weren’t coming.”

“Sorry, Kevin.”  He gave the man a tight smile.  Felt the energy earlier draining.  He wanted nothing more than to be home.  Not home.  Dean was there.  He was considering asking Gabe if he could stay over.  The odds of Gabe being home now were slim.  He had a twenty-hour shift tomorrow.

He let Kevin drive, not trusting himself behind the wheel.  The rain was still pelting down, but it was relaxing.  He could fall asleep he was so tired. 

He didn’t know how they stayed silent or that he had his head on his window when Kevin started speaking.

“Sorry?’  Cas didn’t realize the rookie was talking, so lost in his thoughts.  He really shouldn’t be working when he was so distracted.  Damn Dean.  His life was going and like everything else, Dean had to stick his head in.

“I asked what’s got you so distracted.  And by your question, I’m not wrong.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, turning away from the window.  He had ten hours of this, and he needed to do his job and not drift off into his personal life.

Kevin side eyed him at a red light, frowning when Cas closed his eyes and rubbed his face.  “It’s fine, but what has you distracted?  And don’t say nothing, because I know something is on your mind.”

“Personal shit.”

“I figured.  Nothing really stresses you out at work.  Well…Dean,” he said the last part hesitantly, worried that he was pushing too far.

“Yeah,” he tried to laugh, but he was sure it came out very forced.

Kevin was nice enough or didn’t realize it, he didn’t comment on it.   “At least you get a break,” he teased, smiling at Cas for a second.  “Must be nice to not have to deal with Dean.”

Cas took a long moment to speak.  He was struck with flashbacks of just hours ago.  How Dean walked in like he didn’t just put Cas through Hell.  How he acted like everything wasn’t any different than before.  He had no senesce of what he put him through.  What he put Sam through.  Sam always looked up to Dean, and Cas didn’t want to think what would have happened if Dean got hurt.  He didn’t, but that still didn’t erase the fear.

“True.”  He continued to look out at the street.

“Yeah,” Kevin mumbled, figuring that is was a conversation he didn’t want to have.  Cas always turned quiet when Dean was brought up, even now when he was gone.  He guessed Cas just wanted this moment to be free of Dean mentally and figurately.  “So,” he tried again, still keeping his eyes on the road.  “Seen any movies?”

He now remembered why he wasn’t a fan of driving with Kevin.  It wasn’t that he wasn’t aware or celebrity shit and movies.  Living with Dean made it hard not to, but he wasn’t a fan of going to the cinema.  He waited until it came on the TV.  Though Dean always spoiled everything.

“No.  You know that’s not my thing.”

“I know.  That’s why I miss Dean.  Not that I don’t mind being paired with you.”

If Cas was in a better mood, he would have laughed.  Kevin had a way of saying everything the wrong way.

“Tran, I want Dean back so you can finally have your partner back.”  Just wait for next week, he thought.

“But, I like being with you too.”

He actually laughed, well chuckled.  He still didn’t have the motivation.  “Keep telling yourself that, Tran.”

They slipped into a comfortable silence.  Well, for Kevin.  Cas’ mind couldn’t get away from earlier.  He didn’t like how it felt like he was letting off.  If he were at home he would say what he has built up for months.  Tired be damn.  If Dean was up then he would let Dean have it.

*****

Dean sighed as Cas closed the door behind him.  He knew Cas would be mad, but he had hoped they could talk.  He hoped Cas had the morning shift, but that provided to be wrong.

He pulled at his hair and kicked off his boots.  Did he really think Cas wouldn’t be mad?  He thought Cas would be irritated, but not mad.  Cas knew what undercover meant.  They got no warning when they were called out, but Dean had to admit that it happened at a very bad time.  Cas could be mad.  Cas can be mad.

He dropped himself on the couch.  He was tired.  The apartment he had was run down and basic.  He knew that going in, but it would have been nice to sleep on a bed that was actually not below the quality of a hospital bed.

He fell against the cushions, moaning in delight.  He missed this.  He loved his time in undercover, but he missed the normality of his life.

Dean closed his eyes, wanting to rest them.  He had been in Benny’s office for almost three hours when all he wanted to do is sleep.  He didn’t realize how tired he was until he opened his eyes and saw the time on the digital box.

“Shit.”  He sat up, rubbing his eyes.  It was just after midnight and the rain was still coming.  April was living up to the expectations. 

He considered calling Sam to let him know he was back, but the time stopped him.  Sam was probably asleep.  He’ll just go in the morning. 

He wanted to talk to some one.  During undercover, he was isolated, but now he was back and craved his family.  He wanted _Cas._   Since the end of the first month, he couldn’t shake the need of Cas.  It was weird living without him.  It was so weird that he wanted to have Cas with him.  He never felt this need before.  Why would he?  They’ve lived together for about nine years.  They have never left home separately for more than two days, which maybe was a little sick.  You shouldn’t be so dependant on some one’s presence.  He was fucked.

He just wanted to hug Cas.  To finally feel his body against his.  To have his warm embrace. 

He knew Cas’ opinion about undercover, which was why Dean hid them.  It wasn’t until one night at the dingy apartment where he realized that he really didn’t deserve Cas.  He never did.  Especially when all those years ago he stormed out on Cas after the boy kissed him.  He didn’t deserve Cas forgiveness so quickly, and that’s when he realized Cas was too good for him.  But he was too selfish to let Cas go.

He then pushed Cas.  Wanted to see how far he could take Cas to edge before he snapped.  But Cas never did.  He stayed by Dean when he went through shit with his dad, he stayed with Dean when he wanted to wait to come out.  Cas even stayed with him when he just didn’t want to come out.

He shouldn’t have this life with Cas.  He abused him so much that he wondered why Cas was still here?  He didn’t deserve Cas’ forgiveness.  He never deserved Cas.  He had to show Cas that he didn’t regret him.  If it wasn’t too late.

*****

**_Undercover_ **

Dean trudged through the front door, falling into a chair by the desk.  It had been a long and demanding day.  He knew what he was signing up for, but there were days where it became too much.  He was only two months in and he missed his family.  He missed _Cas_.  When he suggested a break, he thought this would be the perfect opportunity.  It wasn’t.  He couldn’t contact Cas.  He couldn’t see him.

He was regretting going into this for that reason alone.  He felt guilt every time he thought of Cas finding him gone.  Unable to talk to him.  He thought he was doing them a favour, but for him, it felt anything but.  He wasn’t sure about Cas though.  He would probably be mad with the way he left and the way he handled the build up.  He wished he could do it over—properly.

The place he was staying at wasn’t great.  It made due, but the bed was awful and the food wasn’t any good.  He wasn’t living a life when he got home.  He made dinner and then went to bed.  He didn’t do anything else.  On the plus side, he was always well rested.  Tonight would be no different.

He slowly and grudgingly walked to the so-call bathroom.   He liked spending a lot of time in the shower.  He loved the feeling of the water turning cold, making his feel something.  He stayed in there until the water started to get uncomfortably cold.

He started his dinner.  He started a habit of making grilled cheese, something he never wanted to see again when he got home.   He needed to tell Cas that.  Which, would he care?  They hardly made them to begin with.

He grabbed his sandwich and a beer before he moved to his bed.  The apartment was one room, with the toilet and shower in its “own” room.  The apartment they got when he and Cas moved to Manhattan was larger than this.  But at least they had a separate bedroom.  He loved that place.  Times were so simpler back then.  Back when they were just starting their lives.  No routine. 

He wanted to do things differently.  He wanted a life he was proud of.  He wasn’t living a life.  He was just living.

It was sad that he realized when he couldn’t do shit.  It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.  He couldn’t be distracted.

He bit roughly into his slice, needing something to distract him.  Cas should have never suggested time apart.  Not when he was going to be gone.   It was no use.  For the last weeks, he did nothing but think of Cas—their marriage.  Why did he have to realize this now?  When he had to keep his mind on the role he was playing.  Instead of planning for the next day, Dean would lay in bed and let his mind go back to home.  The life he shamefully built—ruined with Cas.

“Fuck,” he grumbled and placed the plate on the floor.  He finished his beer and dropped the bottle, ignoring the loud clank.  He pulled the blanket over him.  Ignoring the fact that he was still dressed he burrowed into his mattress.

He tried to sleep, but tonight he couldn’t turn his mind off.  It didn’t matter.  He’s run on days with no sleep.  He could deal with tonight.

He sighed and sat up.  He _was_ tired, but he was too restless to settle down.  He felt like he was floating.  He couldn’t handle this.  He reached over and grabbed the piece of metal and placed his hand against his forehead.

He took a few shaky breaths.  “You can do this,” Dean whispered to himself.  “You wanted this.”  _No.  Not anymore._

He was stupid.  Most cops who went undercover didn’t have family commitments or significant others.  He thought it would be fine.  Get away from Cas.  Stop fighting.  This wasn’t fixing anything.

His fingers began to play with the cold in his hand, which was turning warmed with each turn.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he opened his hand, staring down at the gold band, staying dull in the dark light.

He kept his ring on him every day, which was insane.  He was supposed to leave all ties of his former life behind.  But he kept it in his pocket at all time, until he was safe in his room.  He knew Cas kept his in his nightstand.  He realized he took his off after a month of Dean having his off.  He had many urges to start wearing it again.  His neck felt so bare at first.  There were times he saw Cas reach for his chain—a habit he took on when they started to wear their rings as neckless—when he was nervous or stressed. 

The ring felt heavier like there was so much weight on the simple band.  He thought if he finally put it on his neck he’d be choked.  He left it off for too long.

He slipped the metal over his finger, a feeling he hasn’t felt in years, before the Academy.  He’s been doing this for the past week, relishing in the foreign feeling, but yet, it felt right.

It’s sad that it took him running away to realize how much he took Cas for granted.  He was turning into his father, a man he never wanted a relationship with.  Not then, not now, not ever.  He needed to change.  He needed—wanted to be the Dean he was before all this shit happened.

*****

**_Present Day_ **

He tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t settle down.  He was too hyper.  He wanted to talk to Cas.  He needed to talk to Sam.  He needed to let him know that he was back.  He also needed to tell Bobby, but he didn’t want John to answer.  Not right now at least. 

It was five when he woke up for good.  Still had two hours until Cas was done and probably a half hour after that for him to get home.  He wanted to be here when Cas came back, but he also knew Cas would be tired and probably just wanted to sleep, but it was here, Cas would push himself to stay awake to talk.  He didn’t want that.

He had two hours until he could go to Sam’s without getting Sam’s wrath.  He could call Bobby; the man was always up at six, but he needed to see Sam first, and he probably had to see Bobby, instead of calling.  Really, news like this wasn’t something you share on the phone.  Plus, Jo would kick his ass if she found out from Bobby.  Yeah, he had to make a trip over there.  Hopefully, Bobby would be at his garage or at home.  John could just be told.  He didn’t deserve a visit.

He tried to stay busy until he could drive to Sam’s, but time went at a snail’s pace.  He made breakfast, tried to watch TV.  Considered if he wanted to clean the house, but Cas had already beat him to the punch.

“Of course,” Dean smiled to himself.  Cas always made sure their place was clean and these pasts few much showed no difference.

He was happy to see some things stayed the same, but Cas’ habit for cleaning, could it really change?

It was hard killing an hour, but some how it turned to seven, the sky outside getting lighter.  It was still dark with clouds.   At least the rain has stopped.

He pulled his coat and boots back on, grabbed his keys, pausing for a moment.  He stared at the wall, a large piece of wall was bare around the other pictures.  He furrowed his brows for a moment before they shot up.  Their picture was done.  The picture that was placed six years ago was gone.

“Shit.”  He raised his hand to the wall but didn’t touch it.  In that moment, he realized how much he fucked up.  He had to make it up to Cas.

There was nothing he could do now, but as soon as he and Cas were together, they had to talk.  And this time Dean would stay.

The drive to Sam’s was quick, the morning rush was just starting when he pulled up at Sam’s building.

He ranged the buzzer, knowing his brother was up.  He was always up before seven.  It was one of the better things about Sam when you needed to talk to him, you didn’t have to wait.

“Hello?” he heard his brother’s voice for the first time in months.  He didn’t realize that he didn’t speak until Sam spoke again.

Dean stumbled for the right words, they could wait until he was inside.  “Wanna let your brother in,” he chose as his greeting.

Other side went quiet, making Dean wonder if Sam left.  Then he heard.  “Dean?” Sam said, barely above a whisper.

“Hi, Sammy.”

He heard a quiet ‘fuck’ and then nothing else until he heard the buzz, opening the door.

“Oh my God,” he heard Sam gasped as he stood outside his door, shaking his head.

“Hi,” he said again, slowly walking to his brother.   He just got the door and was met with a frowning Sam.

“You fucking idiot,” Sam cried and dropped his head.  Sam brushed past Dean, hinting for him to follow.

Sam turned around, now glaring.  “I really want to slap you,” Sam admitted, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Join the club,” he joked, giving off a weak laugh.

Sam just shook his head a walked to the couch, inviting Dean to follow him.  He was so thankful that he was off.  He didn’t think he could go into work after this.

“H-Ho—What—Do…” Sam trailed off.  He didn’t know what to do—what to say.

“I’m Sorry.”

“Why?”  Sam looked skeletally.  “Why are you apologizing?”  If anything, he should apologize to Cas.

“I don’t know.  I feel like I should say it.”

“Why?  I knew you were going.  It’s what you always wanted.  Really, you should be apologizing to Cas.”  He didn’t tell how Cas came over often for dinner or out on occasions. 

“I did.  But,” he paused, keeping his head down, “we didn’t talk much.  He left for work.  Which, I think that’s best.  I don’t want to force him.”

“Hm-mm.  He deserves a lot, Dean.”

“I know.  I won’t force him.  He deserves time.”

“He deserves a lot more than time.”

“I know.  I know.” 

Sam felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he ignored it.  Dean was his concern right now. 

“Did you tell anyone else?”

“No.  I got home yesterday and dropped the bomb on Cas and then slept after he left.  You are the only one of the family.  I’m gonna go to Bobby’s tomorrow.”

“Want me to come?”  He had work, but he could always call in.

“Nah.  I’ll do this on my own.  You have work anyway.”

Sam looked hesitant but agreed.  Dean should do this on his own.  “Okay.”

Sam let out a heavy breath and turned to stare at a wall.  He really didn’t know want to.  He never thought he would be the one to feel guilty.  But he was.  Even though he was working things out with Cas, there was Gabe.  He didn’t realize until just now, but Sam really wasn’t there for Cas these few years.

They were silent for a long time, Dean looking out at the dreary day.  Sam looked at Dean, studying him, thinking this was a dream.

“So, when do you go back to work?”

“Next Monday.  Crowley gave me the week off.  So, I’m going to try and-”

“Make it up to Cas?”

“Not really.”

“You have to.”

“Is that really possible?”

“It is.”

“Is it?”

Sam frowned and nodded.  “It is.  Cas loves you.  But—okay, I’m going to be honest here and don’t say anything until I’m done.”  He didn’t wait for Dean to respond.  “Cas loves you.  I believe he will forgive you, but you have fucked up royally.  You can’t fix this by saying ‘sorry’.  You didn’t see how cut up Cas was in the first weeks.”

Dean bit his lip to keep silent.  He hated being told everything he has ruined, but he owed Cas this.

“Dean, you have a list of shit you did to Cas.  You’ve made him doubt you.  As your brother, you are family, but I can’t stand by and watch.  I care for Cas too.  I always loved him like a member of the family that he is a _part_ of it.  I know I fucked up, but I’m trying to be there for him.  You have to too.”

“I know,” he said, but it sounded more to himself than a statement.

Sam felt a pang of sadness for his brother.  He knew Dean didn’t do what he did intentionally.  He just got into the behaviour and kept with it.  He knew Dean still loved Cas.  He wouldn’t be here and admitting he wanted to make up to Cas.

“You have to give him time and space first.  You left at a bad time.  It’s not something Cas will get over easily.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

Sam’s phone vibrated again, he felt an urge to grab it, but whoever it was could wait.

“You just worry me.”

Sam knew Dean wanted to fix this, but he was with Cas.  Sam knew how well Cas was doing on his own.  If Dean didn’t just show up, he was certain Cas would stay separated from Dean.  He liked the idea of Cas being happy.  He supported Cas, but with Dean showing up _now_ he knew Cas was struggling with his thoughts.

“It’s not your job.”

“It might as well be,” Sam growled.  “You just fucked off, even before undercover.  I should have said something sooner and I hate myself for not doing so.  I’m beating myself over it and trying to make it up to Cas.”

Dean let Sam’s words sink in.  He knew all of this was building and didn’t just happen.  It was sad that this is what it took to figure it all out.

“It also doesn’t mean I still can’t help.  Jesus, Dean.  You don’t have to do everything yourself.  I know when we were younger you looked after me, but we are both grown and have jobs.  Let me repay you.  Let me be there for you.  You don’t have to carry the memory from years ago and still act like things are the same.  They’re not.”

“Damn, forget lawyer, Sam.  You should take up motivational speaker.”

“Dean,” he said warningly, scowling.

Dean sighed and met Sam’s eyes.  “Look, I know all this.  I know I have to make it up to Cas.  I need to.  I don’t need to be reminded of what I did.  Living through my mistakes is punishment enough.”

Sam moaned in frustration.  “I don’t know what else to say without sounding repetitive.”

“You said enough, Sam.  You said what you wanted to say.  But you have to let me fix this on my own.”

“But you’re not-”

“Thank you, Sam.  Have such faith in me.”

“Maybe I would if we weren’t having this conversation!”

“Then let me do this on my own and see.”

“Not very encouraging,” Sam muttered.  But after Dean left, he realized what Dean didn’t.  It made have been a poor excuse to realize what he did to Cas after Dean left.  Yet, sometimes things like these had to happen to realize you were blind to the one person he only had in his life.

“I have to do this on my own.  You stayed on my side for years.  Which I wonder how you did it without beating me.”

“Trust me.  There were many times.  But you’re my brother and I had to stand by you, and now I’m realizing that how we handle this.  You stood by me.  I did the same and I can’t anymore.  We both have different shit to fix, and I’ll be there for you, but also Dean.

“You’re too good, Sammy.”  They became silent for a while before Dean spoke.  “I should go.”

“It’s only nine.  Cas will be sleeping.”

“I’m not going home.  I think I’ll drive around a bit.”

“You sure you can kill hours by just driving?”

“No,” the older man shook his head.  “But I need to clear my head.

Sam looked liked he wanted to protest, but reluctantly agreed. “You can always come back,” he offered as Dean stood up.

“Right.”  The older man nodded and walked to the door.

“I’m glad you are back,” Sam confessed as he stood by the door and watched his brother leave.

“Me too,” was all he said as he walked to the stairs.

Sam stayed in his spot until he couldn’t see Dean.  He huffed and walked back into his unit.  He finished his phone out of his jeans, wanting to call Gabe, knowing Dean wouldn’t tell him and Cas was too distracted.  He also owed it to his boyfriend?  Lover?  Partner?  Were they even that far?  They’ve only been together for over three months.  They haven’t talked yet.

He glanced at his phone to see he had four messages from Gabe.  Two from before he was even alive to the world.  The first two were just updated on his shift.  He was working a double and would be texting at random hours.  The next two were saying he was on break and had time to spare for him.  _So charming,_ Sam thought with an eye roll.  The last text was sent just over ten minutes, which meant Gabe was—hopefully—free.

The doctor answered on the fourth ring and answered in a cheerful voice.  “Hello, babe”

Sam bit his lip.  Gabe has rotated the term kiddo and babe.  He didn’t know which he liked better.  They were both cheesy, but kiddo had a history.  Babe made things a little too official.

“Hello to you too, Gabe.  How’s work been?”

“Demanding.  The one resident I have is fucking useless.”

“I’m sure they aren’t that bad.  Probably nervous.  Weren’t you?”

“No,” Gabe boasted.  “I was no trouble.”

“If you’re trying for a compliment, try again.”

“Your words hurt me.”  He can hear the fucking pout Gabe it sporting.

“Sure.  You care what no one says.”

“I care what you say.” 

Sam felt a blush creep up his neck.  They have been together for three months and he still didn’t know where they stood.  Even though they didn’t feel official, it was odd with what he felt when he is with Gabe.

“Be serious.”

“You know me.”

“Fine.  I’ll try.”

“I actually find no comfort in that.”        

“What can I help with?”

“How do you-”

“Your tone, kiddo.”

Sam made a face at the name but didn’t comment.  “Dean’s back.”

There was a long pause, making Sam think the call dropped.  Just as he about to call Gabe, the man spoke.

“Really?”  Gabe sounded strained and then he was silent again.

“Gabe?” Sam called, wondering if Gabe was still there.

“Does Cas know.”  Gabe’s voice was quiet and slow, which made Sam think this wasn’t what Gabe was expecting.

“Yes.  Cas knows.”

“I don’t know.  Dean only just came before I called you.  I want to call Cas, but he needs to talk to Dean.”

“Don’t,” Gabe snapped and sighed heavily.  “Sorry.  Dean and Cas need this time to themselves.”

“Are you okay?”

“Just fine,” Gabe grumbled and Sam frowned.  He was about to say something, but Gabe continued.  “Not really.  Can’t imagine what Cas is going through.”

“Uh?  Gabe?”

“Seriously, Cas was just getting better.  Now, this.”  Gabe knew he was being harsh, but it was hard to think about Dean being back and blindsiding Cas.  This about Cas.  He needs support and not judged.”

“I know.  Cas doesn’t disserve this and…” he trailed off.  These past few months have been an eye opener and it disgusted him.  It should not have taken this long.  He should have seen what his brother was doing to Cas before he left.

He was ashamed of himself and he still wondered all the time why Cas was giving him a second chance.  He was also ashamed that he was just as guilty, but no of the Novaks showed any hatred towards him.  They only did for Dean.  Maybe it was because what he was doing to Cas wasn’t on display.  Really, it shouldn’t be only Cas hurt by his actions.

“No, he really doesn’t.  Fuck,” Gabe muttered the last part and felt his stomach sank.

“Gabe-?”

“I have to go, but can I talk to you?”

“Um, sure?” he didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but Gabe’s change of behaviour was a little concerning.

“No, like I really do.” 

Sam heard a quiet _I should have done this sooner,_ but Sam didn’t get a chance to ask.

“I have to go, but please.”

Sam didn’t get a chance to reply before the line went dead.  Well, that was kind of expected.  He knew Gabe wouldn’t like Dean being back so soon, but his behaviour.  It was odd.

*****

Dean drove around the city for over an hour.  He had an urge to go to Bobby’s, but he couldn’t.  He had to talk to Cas before he did anything else.

He didn’t know how to kill time without making an hour feel like three.  He planned to go back around three, hoping Cas would be awake.

He parked his car on side of the road and walked into Central Park, a place he has been in for—actually he couldn’t remember.  The weather was cold and damp from last night’s rain.  The wind was chilly against his face, biting against his skin.

He needed the pain.  He needed to feel.  Over the months it strangely felt like he was living a dream.  Like he wasn’t in the present.

He had a great time, but he realized he was better off on the streets or behind a desk.  He never told Cas or anyone else for that matter, that he was interested in detective.  He loved being on the street, but he’s always wanted to do behind the scene.   He still didn’t know if he wanted to move up.  Doing undercover mad him realize he wanted to do more.

He needed to talk to Cas first.  He needed to fix his marriage—his life.  He just hoped he hasn’t fucked up too much.  He hoped Cas could find it in him to forgive, but he also needed to let Cas know there was something to forgive or to work towards.

It began spitting, but Dean didn’t leave.  He stood at the edge of the walkway, watching the bicyclists riding by.  Even when the weather was poor, the city was still living.

*****

Cas walked out of the locker room, feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.  He greeted Garth as he walked in for his shift.

“You look terrible.”

“Thanks, Garth.” Cas breathed, feeling the exhausting.

“I-I didn’t mean-”

“I know what you meant.  I feel it too.”

“You look like you need to sleep for a year.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice.  I guess few hours is all I will get.”

“See you, Cas.”

“See you.”

Cas walked to his car, wanting to get home as soon as possible.  He wanted to talk to Dean, but he needed sleep.  He needed to be awake to talk. 

He rushed home, mentally preparing himself to see Dean again.  He walked in through the door, pausing when it was silent.

“Dean,” he called, dropping his keys off and taking off his coat and shoes.  When he walked through the house, he called again.  He walked into the bedroom and found it empty.

“Of course,” he muttered when he realized was alone… _again._ “Not helping yourself, Dean.”  Instead of waiting, he just climbed in under the covers, wanting to sleep before he stepped into Hell.


	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine

Castiel was forking at his eggs when the door opened.  He heard his name being called, but he kept his attention on his food.  He had the next three days off, which he took advantage of, sleeping for close to ten hours.  After last night, he needed his rest for what was to come.

“Cas?” Dean called again as he walked to the kitchen.  He stopped at the walkway, eyed Cas, who was ignoring him.

There was a long stretch of silence, until Cas spoke, still looking down at his plate.  “So, you’re back?  For good? Or…” he trailed off, still can’t face Dean.

“I am.  I just wanted to give you time to sleep.”

“How considerate.  Didn’t know you had it in you.  And that wasn’t what I meant.”

“I’m here.  Not leaving.”

“Until next time,” Cas bit out, wondering if it was childish to bang his head on the table.

“I’m done,” he admitted, quietly.  “I’m not doing it again.  I missed my life here.”

“So, you missed Sam.”

“And you,” Dean nearly whispered.

Cas scoffed and turned his head to the side, rolling his eyes.  “Right.”  _He never thought of me.  He couldn’t wait to leave._

“It’s true.”  He never felt such a pull to be back here in years.  He wanted.  Needed it.

“Stop lying,” Cas snapped, turning to face Dean.  “Saying shit like this won’t confuse me.

“I’m being honest, Cas.  I’m sorry.  I know this won’t be easy, but-”

“No,” Cas snapped, standing up abruptly.  “We can’t fix this.  When I suggested time apart, I didn’t mean this.”

“But you suggested that.”

Cas shot him a dirty look.  “I was wrong.  I shouldn’t have said that.  You made me have hope.  Our last night together was like we stepped back and I was so happy.  But then you fucked off, Dean.  You fucked off!”

“I regret that I couldn’t tell you, but-”

“But you could have told me you applied.  _Again!_ I know you couldn’t tell me when you were leaving.  I know you didn’t know until _Benny_ grabbed you.”

Dean didn’t miss the spite in Cas’ voice.  He never liked how much time Dean spent with Benny.  And as time went by, the hatred grew.  Now, he was sure Cas would not forgive Benny this time.  Even though it was Dean’s choice, Cas would see it as Benny gave Dean the opportunity.

“There’s too much to forgive, Dean.  I’ve had to spend three months alone.  Acting like a divorced man without closure.  What is there to move towards?”

“I’m not asking for forgiveness-”

“Then why are asking for it?”  Cas crossed his arms over his chest.

“Will you please let me finish?” he asked, trying to control his voice.

“Why should I let you?” Cas bit back, walking around Dean and rounded on him when he reached to couch.  He wasn’t going to sit.  He had to stand strong.

Why should he let Dean explain?  What did he have to explain?  He didn’t want to hear a repeat of why he did what he did.  He wanted answers.  Real answers.  Not the half-ass ones.

He was finally living his life without Dean.  It was hard, but he felt like he would make it.  Until Dean returned.  But, he showed up too soon.  Not before Cas got over the hurt.  He couldn’t forgive Dean.  Not yet.  Maybe ever.  He really hurt him so much and he felt like this was too much to let slide.

Did Dean really think he could just say ‘sorry’?  No.  Dean wasn’t that stupid.  He did look guilty.  But, was that for all the shit he threw at Cas or because he knew Cas was mad?  This was too hard.  He just wanted to be done.  He just wanted Dean to leave for good, leaving him to live on his own.  He didn’t want to be strung along, only for Dean to leave him in broken pieces.

Dean stayed quiet, waiting for Cas to speak again.  He could see Cas was battling with himself and that broke his heart, knowing that he caused all of this.  He had to make it up to Cas.  If Cas would let him.  He wanted to say that they could come out, but Cas would hate him for that.  Leaving for months, and then wanting to come out.  It would kill Cas.

He just wanted to hug Cas.  The man was shaking, swaying on his feet.  But Dean would be pushed.  He’d rather fall on the ground than be in Dean’s arms.

“Cas?” he whispered when Cas showed no sign of speaking.

“Not now, Dean.”  Cas shook his head, voice sounding broken. 

Dean hated himself more.  He didn’t realize how much he had hurt Cas in the past.  How much Cas was put through and still stayed.  He didn’t deserve Cas being here.

 _Why is this happening?  What did I do to deserve this?  Did I insult God?  Is this punishment._   Cas thought he was a good person.  He didn’t deserve this.  Why is Dean suddenly being the man he fell in love with?  But…

Everything was so… Irritating.  Dean had no right acting like he just didn’t drag Cas through Hell every day!  He wasn’t innocent.  And he was, begging for forgiveness.  They should never have been here in the first place.

He wanted to slap that look of regret right off Dean’s face.  He had no right expecting Cas to let him apologize.  To have Cas listen to him.  He would not.

He suddenly wished he was drunk.  This was too much to handle sober, but if he was drunk, he wouldn’t remember shit.

He had to do something.  He couldn’t fight Dean and his anger in his head.  He couldn’t push Dean and avoid every problem.  But, didn’t Cas have a right to be difficult here?  Give Dean a taste of what he put him through?  No.  Sadly, that wasn’t him

Dean didn’t know how they stayed silent and unmoved.  Maybe minutes—hours.  He was pulled out of his mind when he heard a small voice.

“I don’t know how we can fix this.  How we can forgive each other.  It’s not going to be easy.  If we ever to try and work towards this.”

“I want to fix this.  I want to-” he cut off.  They couldn’t go back to the way they were.  It was far in the past.  All they could do is work towards healing.  “I want to still be with you.”

“Really?  Why now?  Why you suddenly reappear and want to be in our marriage?  Why now?  Why do you even want to?  If you don’t remember, you acted like you were stuck here.”

“I never felt-”

“Bullshit.  Do you realize you can’t cover your ass by saying you loved our life?  You didn’t.  I didn’t.  I loved you, Dean.  But we didn’t have a life.  Haven’t for years.”

“I know I fucked up, but let me-”

“ _Fix this_?  You can’t fix this.  You can’t act like you wanted to run from the past years and finally leave and expect me to let you act like you want to change.  You don’t.”

“I do!” Dean yelled, but Cas didn’t flinch.

“Then show me.” Cas shot back, narrowing his eyes at Dean.

“How can I when you won’t let me?”

“Show me, Dean.  Don’t tell.  Show me.   You can’t just tell me and then not do any of that.  You need to prove you changed.  Though, I don’t get how over three years of living this life you suddenly see your mistakes.” 

Cas sighed and shook his head.  He turned his head to the door, needing to focus on something else.  Dean, to his credit, didn’t speak.

“And don’t say I’m much to blame here.  I never did anything to hurt you.  It’s your fault.”

“I know,” Dean agreed, still staring at Cas.  “But, please give me a chance.  It sounds stupid, but I didn’t realize what I could lose until I was gone.”  Cas scoffed, but Dean pushed on.  “I know it sounds like a weak excuse, but it’s true.  I didn’t realize want I had until I didn’t”

“Please.  You were going to come back.  It wasn’t permanent.”

“Is it this hard to believe I missed you!”

“Yes!  I don’t want to sound repetitive, but, yes. It is hard.  You have never said you missed me.  Hell, you love when we are opposite shifts.”

“Look, Cas, I can’t say how sorry I am enough.  How much I want to fix this.  But please give me a chance.  I’ll leave.  I’ll give you time.  Just… Please let me try.”

Cas stayed in his spot.  He was fighting with himself.  He wanted to forgive Dean.  Like he always did.  But, he couldn’t let Dean have a free pass.  He couldn’t let Dean off the hook like nothing happened.  He can’t forget the past months—the past years. And why now? 

He considered Dean’s suggestion.  But, if Dean left, they would only see each other at work.  Maybe he could live with Dean again.  Let Dean be the man he married.

“I don’t want you to move out.  Not now, at least.  But, we can’t go back to the way we were.”

“I don’t want that, Cas.  I want to move forward.  I want to show you I’m here.”

“I know, Dean.  But, it won’t be easy and I’m regretting this already, but we can’t move on if we don’t try.”

“I won’t push you.”

“How considerate,” Cas sneered.  “Sorry.”  He dropped his arms and turned to look at the ground.  “I shouldn’t-”

“It’s fine.”

Cas nodded but didn’t look up.  He already felt like he was on the floor, letting Dean walk over him.  _Again._

*****

 The next few days were tense.  Both of them felt like they were walking around each other.  Which they were, but everything felt like neither felt like they belonged here.  I talked, but it was strained and didn’t turn into a full conversation. 

After their talk, Dean went to Bobby’s the next day.  He was happy John wasn’t at the garage, and he declined Bobby’s offer to call John.  He didn’t want to deal with his father.  Not when he was happy to be home.

He went to the _Roadhouse_ to see Jo and Ellen.  Even Ash was happy to see him.  He was also shocked that Jo was with someone or she was interested in someone.  He asked her when he saw her text for the fifth time in a half hour, but she told him to butt out.  He didn’t realize how much missed when was away until he needed to be filled in on so much that it took over an hour.

On Sunday night, Dean and Cas were silent for most of the night.  Cas was thinking about finally be at work with Dean again.  Maybe everyone will stop teasing him for not having his _partner._ Even though Cas kept quiet after the few weeks where he tried to have an opinion, he still got the comments.

Dean was worried to go back when so much time has passed.  Cas had reassured him, in a bored tone, that everything was really the same.  Still, it was nerve-racking to go back into a routine.

Crowley put him on mornings, stating that he wanted to ease him back.  Which was strange to have the older man being so… Nice?  It was also nice to have Cas on morning too.  He thought Cas was going on afternoons, since he never told Dean.  It wasn’t until an hour ago that Cas had asked if the alarm was on.

  “Um, yeah.  It is.”

Cas just nodded and walked into the bathroom.  Dean hated the silence.  He hated being around Cas and acting like they weren’t in the same room.

Cas walked out of the room a few minutes later.  “Your turn,” he said, heading down to their bedroom.

Dean stared after him.  He really hoped Cas wouldn’t be like this tomorrow.  But, he felt guilty when he thought that.  Cas was like this because of him.

*****

When Dean walked through the station, the reception was surprising.  Chuck gave him a hug.  Charlie called him a moron before hugging him.  Even Becky was happy to see him, even though she’s been here for less than a year.  Though, she just liked everyone.  Even Tessa welcomed him back.  Benny even took him aside.  He didn’t miss the flicker of sadness that passed through Cas’ eyes.

He didn’t see Cas at Parade.  He looked around, but the Crowley barked orders, so he had to turn to the front.

He was by Charlie, who was still irritated with him.  Saying he left her here to rot.  He knew she wasn’t really mad, but she kept up the act until they were dismissed.

“First day back.  How does it feel?” Charlie asked as they walked out of the room.

“Different.  But I’m glad to be back.  Nothing could beat this.”

“Right,” the girl laughed.  “At least you weren’t getting shot at.”

“Were you?”  Dean raised his eyebrows.  Usually, they didn’t have to draw fire, but Charlie could just be joking.

“Well, no.  But the Marv case hasn’t been easy.  It’s like as soon as you left, the count went up.  You know we don’t connect with an event, but this was unusual.  As soon as you left, there was a body almost every other week.”

“Are you any closer?”

“Nope.  He’s always gone, and he knows how to cover up the evidence.  He still knows his shit. 

Before Dean left he told Tessa his theory about Marv.  He knew he was right, but he had no evidence to prove himself.  She considered it and said she’ll keep it in mind.  Now, it looked like something happened for the blame to be put on Marv.

“When did we put a name to all of this?”  He really did miss so much.  He truly did leave at a bad time.

“It was weird.  It was actually Cas who pointed it out.  He some how had a picture of the symbol on Marv’s should and connected it to all of this.”

Dean bit his lip to hide his smile.   He showed Cas the picture Marv gave him when he got the tattoo.  He didn’t know why he still had it, but it ended coming in handy.  The one crack in Marv’s plan.

“He actually said he got the picture from you.  Still helping when you’re not here,” Charlie teased, nudging Dean’s side. 

“What?”  Why would Cas do that?  He could have taken the credit.  He could have done _something_ for himself.  Dean felt his heart being squeezed.  After everything he put Cas through, he was still faithful.

“Yep.  Still working on the case when you were away.  That’s commitment.”  The woman laughed and followed Dean to the cars.

“It was Cas that gave you the break,” trying to give Cas the credit. 

“True, but you gave him the lead.  He even said that.”

 _Shit._   That made him feel even worse.  He hurt Cas when he left and he was still hurting him.  He never could do something without hurting Cas.  He had to talk to Cas.  Actually, he had to include Cas in his life.  He needed to go back to when they shared stories about their day when they weren’t together.

“Letting your mind wander isn’t a good thing when you’re driving.”

“What?” Dean asked, dumbly when he realized Charlie was still talking.

“Ha!  You are distracted.  I called your name a few times.  Seriously, maybe you should ask Crowley for the desk for your first day back.”

“No.  No.  I’m good.  I can do this.”  I can’t be around Cas.  That would make everything worse.  Cas had asked for as much time alone as possible.

“If you say so.”  The woman didn’t sound sure as Dean walked by her, calling back.  Charlie sighed and turned to walk back into the building.

She took a seat at the desk in front of Cas, who didn’t look away from his work.

“So, Dean’s back.” She announced, trying to start a conversation.

“I know.  I was there when Crowley announced it.”  _I was also there when he walked through our door with no warning._

“Still, it’s like the gang’s back together.”

“We’ve never been a gang.  Dean’s back, nothing happened in the time that passed.”

“Hm-mmm.  I guess nothing really did happen.  But, I missed him.”

_Well, I didn’t._

“Yeah.  I don’t know how I feel.”  It was the truth.  He couldn’t be honest and he couldn’t say his missed him with out raising suspicion.   He felt both, but he only had a week to get used to this.  And also having to go to work when Dean stayed at home. It was hard to keep it a secret.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.  I know how you and he got along.”  The officer smiled sheepishly as Cas finally lifted his head.

“It’s fine.  Doesn’t mean I didn’t want him to return.”  _With a little warning,_ he thought.  “It was just a surprise.”  _Try being married to him and being surprised right before work._

“Now you’ll have your partner in crime,” the woman chuckled and Cas grimaced at the age old nickname.

Back in the day, when Dean and Cas were paired almost every shift, all the officers apparently got together and came up with the name.  Even with time and how they changed, the name never changed.  It was a sour reminder.

“Yeah.  Doesn’t seem like Crowley agrees,” he tried to joke, but he wasn’t into this conversation.  Living with Dean and going to work alone was refreshing.  It gave him the time he needed to be alone.  But, with Dean here, even if they weren’t paired together, he still felt his presence. 

“Does Crowley agree on anything?”  Charlie leaned on her desk, squinting at Cas.  He wasn’t acting like himself.  He was more immersed in his work.  Which, yeah, that’s what they’re supposed to do, but Cas would always talk, engage with what went on.

Cas didn’t reply and went back to his work.  He hated that everyone was so happy to see Dean and nobody knew the pain he was in.  Keeping them hidden wasn’t new, but in that moment Cas wanted them to be out.  Have someone to talk to.  All he had was himself.  And Gabe, if he could be serious for a minute.  He felt more alone than ever.

“Hey, I’m going to the break room,” Charlie chimed after about an hour.  “want anything?”

Wait?  Did an hour pass?

“Um.  Uh.  No thank you, Charlie.  I’m fine.”  He held up his cup to show Charlie he had something.

“You can’t live off of coffee.”

“I’m not.  Lunch’s in a few hours.”

“Yeah. In a _few_ hours.  I’m getting something.”

“And this is why I didn’t miss Dean.”

Charlie just rolled her eyes and flipped her hair.  Well, it wasn’t pulled back into a bun.

Cas was in the middle of reading a file when a bag of chips landed on the paper.

“Um, thanks.”  He looked up, holding the bag and smiled before placing it to the side.

“Can’t have you starve.”

“I was fine.”

“Sure.”

They fell into silence again.  It was inching to their lunch break, but Cas was too concentrated on his papers to realize that Charlie stood up.

“Okay, we’re going to lunch.  You skipped break, I’m not letting you stay at your desk.”

“Charlie.  I’m too busy to-”

“With what.  Not busy enough to skip lunch.  And if I’m not busy, I doubt that you are.”

“Fine.”  He let the redheaded woman drag him into the room.  He really wasn’t hungry.  Dean coming back turned his stomach upside down.

Lunch was still spent in silence.  Well, silence for him.  Charlie was busy arguing with Garth about… Something.  Actually, he didn’t know.  He didn’t know they were talking until he heard Charlie gasp a “You filthy liar”.

Once he was done, far too soon from their allowed time, Cas went back to his desk.  He couldn’t explain why he felt like he just wanted to disappear.  He didn’t know why.  Actually, he did.  As much as he and Dean fought, it was a disgusting comfort that Dean was around.  When he was gone, everything that they’d built up over the years, came crumbling down when Dean hid Undercover and left.  It was easy to hate Dean and not see him at all.  When Dean came back, it was a physical reminder of what Dean did and where they stood.

Cas was too lost in his thoughts, that he startled when Charlie’s voice broke his concertation.

“Glad to see you’re thinking of something besides work.”

Cas chuckled.  Well, it wasn’t about work, but it was connected.  “Sorry.”

“Why apologize.  Half the people are most likely not working.”

They both looked around to see Charlie was right.  Though, it wasn’t a new thing.  Cas just preferred to do his job at work and relax at home.

“I still like doing my work.”

“As do I.  I just like talking and you do too.  You just seem tried.  Not sleeping well?”

Really, Cas wasn’t.  Ever since Dean came back, he laid awake for hours before finally falling asleep.  He always felt exhausted, but apparently, the lack of sleep was catching up with him.

“No.  Just been a busy week.  Don’t want to talk about it though.”

“You sure.”

“I’m fine.  So, what are you up to this week?  Aside from work.”

“I was actually thinking of getting my hair cut.  Need a change.  What do you think?”

“It’s your choice.  If you want a change, do it.”

The woman frowned but held no heat in her disgruntle look.  “Not helping.”

“I don’t know.  Ask Becky.”

“She’ll agree with anything and I need an opinion.”

Cas huffed and ran a hand through his hair.  “I really don’t know.  I’ve never been asked this question.  And shouldn’t you ask Jo?”

“I did and she just said what you said.  If I’m going to make a big change, I need an opinion.”

“Charlie, wouldn’t you just go ahead and do whatever you are considering, regardless of anyone says.

Charlie hummed and tilted her head.  “I guess, but sometimes I just want my friends to be supportive.”

“Charlie, do whatever you want.  No one will judge, and if they do, it’s your life.”

“Geez.  Thanks, Mom.”

“Hey!  You asked.  And I gave you what I thought.”

“Yeah.  Yeah.”

*****

“Gabe?” Cas spoke through the phone after it buzzed in his pocket.

“Cassie!” Gabe cheered, causing Cas’ brows to furrow.

“You okay?” Cas asked as he walked out of the elevator and towards his car.

“Um,” Gabe paused for a second and Cas was about to ask the same question again before Gabe continued.  “Can we meet? I haven’t seen you yet.”

“Uh, sure.”  Cas shifted his phone to his other phone to open his door.  He was just going to get some groceries, but that could wait.  “It’s only been two weeks since I last saw you.”  He actually saw Gabe and Sam two days before Dean came back.

“I know, but I want to see you.”

“Sure, but you know I’m fine.  I’m not breaking”  

Not yet.

“When’s a good time?” he asked as he put his key into the ignition. 

“Now?”

“Now?” Cas repeated.  “I guess.”

“Perfect.”

Cas chuckled and shook his head. His brother never acted this happy and it was a little unnerving.  “I’ll be there soon,” Cas promised Gabe before hanging up.

*****

Gabe let him up without checking that it was him buzzing.  Yet, how many people was he expecting?

“Hey,” Gabe greeted and let his brother in.  They didn’t share a hug, which they rarely did anyway and walked up to the living room.

Cas sat on the couch, shifting over so Gabe could take the other end.  He looked around the room, noticing that nothing has changed since the last time he was here, which was just after Christmas.

“You’re looking good, Cassie.  These couple of weeks, I thought-”

“They have been,” Cas cut in.  “I’m just taking it one day at a time.  Which, what else could he do?  He can’t plan next month.  Not knowing what will come Dean and his way.  It’s only been two weeks and Dean just got back to work.  And Benny just had to be there the first couple of days.

“You know I am here for you?”

Cas nodded and smiled.  “I know and I appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry that I kind of ignored you and-”

“You were in Chicago finishing your residence and then you came back.  You were getting settled.”

“And ignoring you.  I got with Sam without asking you.”

Cas furrowed his brows.  “Why?  Dean was probably the one you needed to ask.  Though, that’s something you’d never do.”

Gabe chuckled and turned to face his brother.  “That’s true, but I also should have asked you.”

“As I said: why?”

Gabe pursed his lips.  “I should have,” he repeated.  Dean’s return was an eye-opener for many people.  He knew Cas, Sam and him, which was also why he had Cas here.

 “Gabe, as much as I love you, you are still making no sense.”

“He hurt you.”  Okay, he didn’t mean to snap and make Sam the bad guy.  Really, Sam was just… Actually, he didn’t know.

“Well-” Cas pursed his lips and hummed.  Gabe wasn’t wrong, but he was also messing his facts up.  “I agree and I don’t.”

Gabe was about to argue, but Cas silence him with his hand.

“You getting with Sam was shocking, but not in the way you probably think.  I was shocked that you would pick Sam.  Once you left for Chicago, you never asked about Sam.  And then the Dominican happened.  I was happy for you.  You deserve this.”

“Not with Sam.”

“What’s with your sudden hatred for Sam?”

“Are you defending him?” Gabe nearly shouted.

“No.  But I’m not mad at him.  I know he took a bit to come around, but, I don’t know.”  Cas shrugged and smiled sadly at his brother.  He always had a soft spot for Sam.  Maybe it was because they were similar in school.  But as much as Sam just stood by, he really didn’t do anything bad.  Also, nothing good.  He was just… There.

Gabe really couldn’t believe his brother.  But it was also because he could hold grudges.  Cas, he never liked to.  It was just holding bad energy, he would say.  Gabe agreed, but some things were hard to forgive.

“Gabe, I know you are mad at Dean, and I don’t know where this questioning is coming from, but if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at Dean.”

“And Sam?”  Gabe really didn’t like how much he was turning on Sam, but something clicked when Sam called after Dean’s return.

“Talk to him.  Let him say his story.  I asked, and as much as it hurt me, it makes sense.  I’m not saying I forgave.  I am forgiving him and I know he’s sorry.”

“A little different with dating.”

Cas smirked and raised his eyebrows.  “You’re dating?”  He knew Gabe was having a hard time actually starting a relationship with Sam and now it was probably gone.  He oddly didn’t want that.

“Look, Gabe-” Cas shifted closer to Gabe and touched his knee “-please don’t be mad.  I know you feel like you have to be here for me, but please believe me when I say worry about Dean.  Talk to Sam.  Please.”

Gabe groaned and covered his face with his hand.  Was he really putting too much blame on Sam?  Was he right with his judgment on Sam?

“So, you want me to forgive Sam?”

Cas bit his lip and shrugged again.  “Maybe?  I know I should be mad, but I can’t.  I know Sam was late, but he came.  And you know me, I forgive.”

“And Dean?”

Cas’ face fell in a frown.  “Really?  You were talking about Sam.  And Dean is different.  He did things to put himself here.  Sam just got caught up in it all.  I understand.  I would stay by you if you needed me.”

“You would?” Gabe gasped, still not understanding why his brother was forgiving Sam so easily.

Cas smiled softly and nodded.  “I know Sam isn’t innocent, but I think he does deserve a second chance.  He needs a chance to prove that he is sorry.”  Cas paused for a moment and tightened his grip on Gabe’s knee.

Gabe turned his head and looked at the blank screen of his TV.  He really thought Cas would be pissed to hear that Gabe was with Sam.  He never thought it would be Cas telling him to leave his doubts behind.

“I know what you’re thinking.  But, if I can forgive Sam, you can.  Maybe?”

“You’re so strange.  You’ve been in Hell and yet you want _me_ to forgive what Sam did to you.”

“No.  What he did was indirect.  He got caught up and didn’t realize until now.  I know it’s late, but as I said: he’s here now.  And I’m not saying to forgive him.  I can’t tell you to do that, but please talk.  And then decide.”

Gabe shook his head and chuckled.  “I really don’t get you.”

“You never did,” Cas joked and let go of his brother’s knee.

“True.”  Gabe sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “I guess I should talk to Sam.”

Cas sat back in his spot and placed his hands in his lap.  “You should.  And please let him finish.  I know you, Gabe.  You even interrupt me on a normal day.”

“I promise.”

*****

Dean stared down at his phone.   He pressed call three times, only to end it after the first ring.

It’s been just over two weeks since Dean came back and things were tense.  Not that he didn’t expect it, but it was hard.  He didn’t want to do anything more to upset Cas.  He already did that enough.  He was ashamed that he let himself get like this.  He didn’t notice until he was gone.  And now, all he could do is try.

Sam was there.  Well, he was around, but he was pissed too.  He spent more time now with Cas or Andy.  Cas avoided him, which, as he said before, he expected it. 

He was finally living the life he never wanted.  He made his own brother hated him and he let his anger mold him into a copy of John and he took it out on Cas.  He didn’t realize what he had become until Sam’s party, and even then, John made him so mad that just went home and lived the life he built—forced on Cas.

“Fuck me,” Dean sighed and rubbed a hand over his tired face.  He wasn’t sleeping well, worrying about the next day and doing something to piss Cas off.  He knew this wasn’t going to be easy.  He had to try and show Cas he still wanted this.  And show he wasn’t his father.  But it was hard.  It wasn’t meant to be easy, but he realized too late that he had no one.  Bobby, maybe?  He hasn’t talked to the man since seeing him that day.

Dean pressed the call button again and let it ring.  His hand was shaking, bumping the device against his ear.  He heard the other end pick up and took a deep breath.

“Hello?”

Dean felt his breath falter and his heart speed up.

“Dean?” the man tried again.  “H-how are you?”

“Shit,” Dean growled and pressed the ‘end’ button and threw it across the room.  “Shit,” he said more loudly and got up to get his phone.  The last thing he needed was to get another phone.  After Cas told him his phone was gone, he had to get a new one.  And he really didn’t want to be on phone number three when it was only April.

Also, he was stupid to think he could call his father.  When he went to Bobby’s, he made sure the John was not around.  Last time he saw and talked to John was at Sam’s party.

He knew he had to talk to John.  Bobby’s been pushing for it, but the thing was, nobody knew why Dean wanted nothing to do with his father.  He never told him, Sam, hell, even Cas about what went on those years ago.  And this was the result of his silence. 

He realized he should have told, shared, but he didn’t want to burden Sam.  He didn’t to make Sam hate him if he talked to Cas.

His decisions were the biggest mistakes of his life.  He knew he had to fix it, but how?  Three—almost four years of silence and abuse were not going to be easy to fix.

He was broken and he broke Cas.  He broke his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it might seem like Cas is forgiving Dean a little too easily in this chapter and the next few, but there is a reason. I have this story all planned out and I know where I am going with it. I have a reason for certain things, but they might be frustrating at first. Hang in there.
> 
> Also, I am going to try to update weekly or every other week. I still have physio and such, so I have the weekends free. I am going to try to do regular updates. So far it's been working. Fingers crossed for the rest. I am working on the next one, but it's giving me some problems. Hopefully, I get it done soon.


	30. Chapter Thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love you all, I'm updating early.

“Hey,” Sam smiled and walked through the door.  He dropped his wet coat over a kitchen table. 

“Hi.”  Gabe smiled tightly and followed Sam.   Sam obviously didn’t see Gabe’s expression because he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the shorter man’s lips.

Sam pulled back and frowned.  “Everything okay?” 

Gabe stayed silent for a bit before giving another tight smile.  Sam took Gabe’s hand, but he pulled it back.

Gabe sighed when he saw a flash of hurt flash over Sam’s face.

“Work was okay?”  Gabe usually got like this when a day was hard and Sam was always there.  This was probably one of those days.

“No.  Work was fine.”

“Then why-”

“Can we sit?” Gabe cut in.  He’s been fighting with himself for a week since talking to Cas.  He knew Cas said it was okay, but it was so hard for him.  He wanted to talk to Sam and forgive him.  But, it was hard.  He wasn’t there for Cas when he was in Chicago and now he was here, it was hard to get over the pain his brother had been suffering on his own.

He needed to be there for Cas.

“Okay?” 

Sam followed Gabe up to the living room and sat at the end of the couch as Gabe sat at the other end.

“Sam, I want to talk to you about Dean.”

Sam pursed his lips and nodded.  “I was actually expecting this.”

 _Not this,_ Gabe thought and shifted in his seat.  “Right.  How are you dealing with it?”

Sam shrugged and folded his hands in his lap.  “Pissed.  He came back acting like a different person and I…” he trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

“But happy?”

“I guess.  I mean, I love Dean and I am happy that he’s safe, but he did leave at a bad time.”

“He did.”  Gabe had to agree.  It was true.  Cas was a mess.

“He knows he fucked up.  He came and talked to me.  I think he’s going to really try this time.”

Gabe thinned his lips.  He didn’t like how Sam was defending Dean.  “So, you believe him?  He said that before and look at where we are.”

“I’m not saying I believe him, but I want to support him.”

“And you just want to ignore what he did to Cas in the past?”

“Of course not, but Dean, he-” Sam cut off.  How does he say that Dean was still suffering from his own problems?  He knew John changed Dean for the worst.  He still didn’t know what John had said and until he knew, he didn’t know if he should slap Dean or stand behind him.

“He fucked up,” Gabe snapped and turned to face Sam.

“And he’s sorry.  I’m not forgiving him now and Cas is not, but we should give a chance.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Gabe muttered, causing Sam to frown.

“Really, Gabe?”

The older man shrugged and met Sam’s eyes.  “I haven’t been there for Cas and neither have you.”

“I know.  That’s why I’m trying now.”

“And you were here for how long and now?”

“You’re thinking it’s on me?” Sam snapped.  For what they were saying, Gabe was blaming _him._

“Kind of hard not to.  You were _here_ and you stayed with Dean!”

“And what about you?”

“I was in Chicago, Sam.  I couldn’t just be here physically.”

“And so, it’s all my fault?”

“Kind of,”

“Wow.”  Sam pushed a hand through his hair. 

“Oh, come on, Sam.  You-”

“You’re being mean.  I know I fucked up and I don’t need you to constantly remind me.  And why now?  You never brought this up before.”

Gabe scoffed and turned his head to the window, watching the rain.  It truly was a wet April.  “Maybe I was blind and stupid.”

“Gabe-” Sam said softly, but Gabe cut him off. 

“I can’t do this anymore.  I really don’t know why I’m here.  Sam, I care for you, but you did hurt Cas.”

Sam wanted to jump in, but Gabe was right and Gabe deserved to finish.

Gabe turned his head, staring at the front door, avoiding Sam.  That’s what he wished.  He wanted Sam, but he was a reminder of what Gabe did and Sam.

“I need you to leave.”

Sam wanted to scoff, but he bit his tongue.  “You don’t want to talk about this?”

“What is there to talk about?”  Gabe met Sam’s eyes, trying to ignore the pleading look Sam was giving.  “I know you are sorry.  I am too.  But, being with you is like ignoring what Cas needs now.  You and I both know that Dean’s return will be hard on Cas.  And don’t try and defend Dean.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

Gabe either didn’t hear him or chose to ignore him, but he went on.  “You fucked up.  I did, but I need to be there for Cas and I can’t be distracted and reminded.”

“Is that what you want?”

“It is.  I don’t know why Cas forgave you so quickly, but, I just can’t…” he trailed off, unsure what to say.  He knew he was being a little unfair.  He was sure Sam was sorry.  Cas told him, but he couldn’t do it.  He’s not his brother.

“Okay,” Sam mumbled and nodded.  He smiled sadly and wanted to take Gabe’s hand, but gripped his pants.

Gabe furrowed his brows and frowned.  Sam wanted to laugh at Gabe.  He was the one breaking up with him.  What did you expect?

“That’s it.  Why aren’t you fighting?”

Sam chuckled bitterly and shook his head.  “What kind of break ups have you been through?  Not every ending ends up in a fight.  Also, what is there to argue?”  The man shrugged and turned to Gabe.

Gabe still stayed silent.  He focused on his hands in his lap.  He needed a distraction.  Sam wasn’t making this easy.

“What you said was true.  There’s nothing to fight about.  You made your point.”  Sam smiled sadly and stood up.  “I really am sorry.”  Sam wanted to kiss Gabe one last time, but Gabe was breaking up with him for ignoring Dean’s abuse.  And he did.  He had to pay the price.

“Sam.” The young Winchester stilled his hands on the knob.

“It’s fine, Gabe.  I’m not mad.”  Sam smiled again and pulled open the door.

*****

The sun was low, still far from setting, when he got out.  He hated how the sun stayed out later.  It always made Cas feel like he had more time than he did.  He didn’t see Dean as he walked out of the locker room.  The Impala was still parked, so Dean was still around, but where?

Cas just walked by Dean’s car, not glancing at it.  It stayed in his spot at home.  Another constant reminder the Dean was gone.  He really needed to get over Dean’s leaving.  He couldn’t live like every spot of Dean or his things made his heart stop.

He shoved his bag into the passenger seat.  Thanking that the car never had Dean’s scent.  He always, always, refused to drive with Cas.  Even when he bought it, Dean didn’t go in.  The one and only time he went into Sam’s car, he vowed never again.  Dean had a questionable love for his car.  Probably more love than he had for Cas.  No.  He couldn’t think that way.  He wanted to fix things with Dean.  He had to give him a chance… In time.

Instead of heading home, which he really didn’t have too.  It was only just after five.  He drove to Gabe’s hospital.  He had called just before his shift ended and luckily, Gabe could take his break.  He always felt weird visiting Gabe at work.  He didn’t do it often, but when he did, he felt like he didn’t belong—he didn’t.

He found a spot and made his way inside.  He didn’t look around and just headed to the cafeteria.  He slid into a booth and waited for Gabe.  He felt like he should get something, but he hasn’t had an appetite all day.

“Cassie!” he heard and saw his brother walking towards him with two cups.  “Here.”  Gabe handed him a cup before sliding into the opposite seat.  “Coffee’s shit, but it looks like you need it.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled and took a sip.  It sucked but was slightly better than what they had at work.

“Seriously, though.  You need it.  How was work?”

Cas shrugged, fingers dancing over the lid of his cup.  “Exhausting.  Nothing new.”

“Right.  As much as I l love seeing my baby brother at work, it never happens without a reason.”

“That’s not true,” Cas argued, causing Gabe to roll his eyes.

“Okay, you visited me once when I got the job here and that one time for—what was it?”

Cas shrugged.  He really didn’t know as well.  Really, he saw Gabe in his flat and that was it.  But after today, he needed to talk to someone who wasn’t related to work.

“Right.  So, how can I help?  Wait, I want to let Luci and Michael you came to me first.”

“I never said anything about needing help.  I just want to talk.”  Really, he had no one.  He couldn’t confide in Sam.  He couldn’t talk to anyone at work.  No one knew.  He had no family besides his brother, and they were the very last resort, which is why he was here.

“Sure,” Gabe dragged out and took a sip of coffee.  “You never come here Cassie and-”

“You’ve only been here for a year.”

“You never come here,” he repeated and sat back into his seat.  “I know you just want to talk… About your first shift with Dean.”

Castiel had told Gabe about Dean’s return when Dean went to Bobby’s.  He wasn’t surprised to hear Sam already beat him to it.  If was better though.  Gabe was able to let Cas vent and hold his tongue since he got his anger out before.

“I didn’t work with him.  I didn’t even see him, so there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Cas, I love you, but even I don’t believe you are fine, even not seeing Dean.”

“I didn’t say I was fine or wasn’t.”

“Um, you pretty much did.”

Cas was quiet, looking down at his cup.  He could feel Gabe’s eyes on him.  The café buzzed around them, making Cas feel on edge.  He really just wanted to be home, but he needed to talk to someone, anyone.  He just needed his mind distracted, but it wasn’t working and Gabe was right.

“When do you have to go back?”

“Really whenever.  Unless I get paged or be here for over two hours.  And don’t change the subject.  I have time.”

“I never said I wanted to talk about my day,” he deadpanned, watching Gabe’s smug smile.  Honestly, none of his brothers could be serious.

“You want to.  Actually, you need to.”

“Why do I need to?  I don’t have to share.  It’s my life.”

“It is,” Gabe agreed and rested his arms on the table.  “But, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to talk about it.  Maybe you don’t want to, but you should.”

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose.  He hated when Gabriel was right.  It always gave him no room to fight.  Gabe always got it out of him.

“Really, Gabe, there’s nothing to talk about.  He’s been back for a week now.  He’s sorry, but that doesn’t erase the past months—years.  I know it takes time, but—it’s only been a week—I don’t know if I want to forgive him.  If I want to work with Dean.”

Gabe went over his brother’s words.  He had to agree that Cas would be better off with moving on.  Yet, he knew how much he loved Dean and stayed with him through all the mess they built.  It might be toxic, but if Cas stood by Dean through all of this, was this too much to forgive?  Maybe Cas was just scared to forgive Dean again and go through this all over again.  If that happened, he knew Cas wouldn’t survive it.  He would lose himself.

“What’s stopping you?”  He has an idea of what was the reason, but he needed to hear it from Cas.

“I really don’t know.”  Cas bit his lip and kept his head down.  “I thought I knew what I would do when Dean came back.  But, when having him back, I’m not sure.  I want to forgive him, then I don’t.  He’s been acted differently.  Like he was before.  And I don’t want that.”

“What do you mean?”  Gabe furrowed his eyebrows, looking at his brother in confusion.”

“I want him to fix this, but not like this.  Not when he’s acting like the past few years never happen.  I want Dean back, but living like a shadow of the past.  Too much has happened.  I can’t brush everything aside.  I just want the Dean I first married.  I want us to work through our problems.”

“Did you tell Dean that?”  Cas shook his head and Gabe had to hold back an eye roll.  “Why?  I know he’s only been back for a week, but you lived like you were happy.”

“I never acted like I was happy.  I didn’t change.  Dean did and not the way I wanted.  When you are married, you do stupid stuff.”

“If I was, I wouldn’t have stuck around this long.”

Cas gritted his teeth.  This was also why he didn’t go to his brothers for help.  None of them were married or dating.  Well, Gabe was now, but it was only just over four months.  “You can’t question my marriage.”

“Why?  Because I haven’t been in a relationship for more than two months?”

“Well, yes.  And I know you don’t like Dean, which is also why you think I should leave.”

“I think you should leave because I hate seeing you like this.  Regardless if Dean’s here or not.”

Cas looked at a spot above Gabe’s head, he really didn’t know anything.  He just wanted to go back to the year before.  It wasn’t the best memory, but it wasn’t like what he was dealing with now.  They had hope before all of this.

“I need to fix this.  For myself.  I just-I can’t fold.  I worked too hard and I still have to continue.”

“And Dean?  He didn’t do anything.  And he expected you to bend down.”

“He never said.”  Though, Gabe might be true.  Dean’s trying, but did he really think the Cas would forgive him?  “But I need to.  For me.”

“You said.  But what does that do?  If you’re trying, what do you need to fix?  Dean’s the one who has to do it all.  You owe him nothing.  You never changed.  Dean did and he’s the one that needs to prove he’s in this.”

“What the hell?’  Gabe never talked like this.  He just told him to ditch him and live his life.  It freaked him out.  Not because Gabe is finally helping him, but also because he was right.  He owed Dean nothing.  Dean was the one that needed to.  “When did you go so sensitive?”

“Sam pulled it out of me.”  Cas wanted to slap the smug smile off his brother’s face.  He didn’t know if he should be glad or annoyed.

“Thank God for him.  Has he told Dean?”   

“Don’t think so.  I haven’t talked to Sam since—it’s not my place.” Gabe cut off.

“Why?”  He was going to kill Gabe if he did something stupid.  Also, Dean just got back, and I don’t think Dean would handle it well.”

“I… Ended it?”  He looked sheepish and Cas groaned.

“what the hell?  Gabe, I told you not to.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

Cas frowned.  He felt bad.  Whenever he talked to Sam, he always sounded so happy.  Maybe why Sam didn’t pick up yesterday.  _Shit._

“Besides, we are not here to talk about me.”

“Why not.  I really don’t see why you let Sam go.  And don’t say it.  He did not deserve this.  If Sam was hurting me, I would have said.”

Gabe pursed his lips and sighed.  Maybe Cas was right?  No, he needed to get Sam out of the way.

Cas let out a heavy breath and closed his eyes.  He really didn’t get his brother and now he was confiding in him.

Now he was about to tell Gabe the thought that has plagued his mind of months.  Even though he said he wanted to fight for Dean and to let him fight for him, there was an easier way out of this.  A way that always made Cas’ heart hurt.

“I’ve been thinking about leaving Dean.”  He still kept his head down, but he could tell that Gabe had his mouth open.

“What?”  Gabe’s been pushing his brother to leave Dean for half a year, but he knew that it had to be Cas’ choice.

Cas shrugged.  “It would be easier.  And looking back on how Dean was, it’s weird that after coming back, he wants to make it work.  What about all the times I tried?”  Cas’ head shot up and pointed a finger angrily at himself.

“I’m not defending Dean, but people have to figure it out for themselves.  What Dean did was wrong, but maybe he needed to see what he did he could lose.”

Cas growled and dropped his head again, ignoring the pain that spread through his head at the force.  He just wished he wasn’t here.  He wished Dean didn’t put him in this position.  He wanted to let Dean fix this, but if Cas didn’t feel right in time, he would seriously consider divorce.

“What the fuck?  You were pulling for me to leave Dean and now you say I shouldn’t.”

“Look, I do think that, but you clearly want to fix this.  I’m trying to be supportive.”

“You’re unbelievable,” Cas muttered as he lifted his head, rubbing his forehead, trying to soothe the ache.  “I don’t want people jumping around.  I just want a clear decision.

Gabe was about to reply then a loud beep sounded from his pocket before Gabe swore.  “Sorry.  Got to go.”  He held up his pager and left as Cas called out a ‘good-bye’.

Cas let out a long breath.  He really didn’t want to go home.  He didn’t want to see Dean.  He’s had such a hard time finding something to say.  It was like in a course of a week their roles were reversed.

Slowly, he got up and grabbed Gabe and his cups to throw them out.  He quickly walked to his car and took a moment, dropping his head against the steering wheel.  He really didn’t want this.

*****

“Cas, can we talk?” Dean whispered, leaning over Cas, who was picking up his jacket.  Luckily, the change room was empty, but Dean was still being careful in case someone walked in.

“I told you, Dean, we’ll talk at home.”  He stayed busy with his locker, trying too interested in his coat.

“Really?  It’s been four days.  We haven’t even discussed what’s going on.”

Cas wanted to laugh as Dean threw the words he ignored for months.  Now, he was the one who wanted to talk and Cas wanted to let this stay for a bit longer.

“You know, I’ve wanted to talk too—had tried for months and you did shit all.  Now you’re on the other side.  How does that feel?”  He knew he was being perpetuated, and he didn’t like it, but he can’t let Dean win this easily.

Dean's eyes widen as he straightened.  “This isn’t you, Cas.  You never avoid stuff-”

“Maybe I changed,” Cas snapped, still not looking from his locker.

“Not in three months, Cas.  You’re mad-”

“Tell me something new, Dean.  Maybe I don’t want to talk right now.  You left for months.  You can survive a couple of weeks.”

“Is that what you plan to do or just saying it?” Dean challenged, crossing his arms.  He knew he was being a dick.  He had to give Cas time, but he didn’t want to wait and try to give Cas the treatment he deserved. 

Cas turned and glared at Dean.  He gritted his teeth, trying to control his temper.  “Really?  Oh, I’m sorry I’m causing _you_ trouble.  Didn’t realize that it’s still about you.”  He felt a lump form in his throat.  He’s seen Dean nearly every minute of the day.  Never had time for himself.  To think about where he stood. 

“That’s not what I-”

“Of course, it is!  It’s always about you.  Even when it’s not, you have to worm in.  Right now, it’s about me.  As selfish as that sounds, I think after all this, I deserve it.  I can’t forgive you in just a week.”

“Never said you-”

“Yes!  You did.  You want me to forgive like I’ve always had!  This isn’t one of these times.  This isn’t forgivable in just a week.  I can’t forgive that fast.”

“You don’t have too.”

“And yet you are acting like I have to.”  Cas was struggling to keep his voice low.  Dean wasn’t getting it.  He said he did, but he didn’t.  He never would.

“Look, Cas-”

“I can’t.  Not right now.  I-I-I-” Cas couldn’t do this.  He felt his throat go tighter.  He ran to the washroom and collapsed into a cubical, letting the tears to fall.  He hasn’t cried at all and it all was building up.

Dean stayed in the room, looking at the spot Cas was just at.  He felt the need to go after him.  He needed to let Cas know that he was back—here and wouldn’t leave.  He knew he had to give Cas time, but he just wanted to make all of this right.  He hated feeling like he wasn’t doing anything, even though Cas said on multiple occasions that he needed time.  It was hard.

He felt like he needed to be honest.  If they were to move forward, he needed to let Cas know.  But, Cas would probably laugh.  Would think he was making an excuse for his behaviour

“There you are.”  Dean jumped when the silence was broken.  He turned and saw Garth.  Crowley’s already started Parade and is looking for you and Cas.”  The younger man looked around to see if Cas was here.  “Where is he.”

“No idea,” Dean shrugged and walked towards the door.  “Isn’t he out here?”

“No,” Garth said as they walked down the hall.  “That’s why Crowley sent me.  So, you didn’t see Cas?”

“I saw him walk out.  I thought he was with the others.”

“No, and Crowley’s pissed.”

“Isn’t he always?” Dean gripped just as the staff sergeant walked up to them.

“Winchester, lovely of you to join us,” Crowley drawled out.

“Sorry, Crowley.”  Anywhere else, he would be figuratively slapped if he called his staff sergeant without their title, but Crowley was one of the few that didn’t care.

“You can say sorry as you sit at a desk for today.  And when you see Novak, tell him the same.”

“Yes, sir.”  He rolled his eyes as the officer walked past them.  “Well, I guess I’ll take the change,” Dean chirped as he and Garth walked to the squad room.  He’s been on patrol for the week, and closing out his shifts, he didn’t mind it being a desk.  Garth took a seat in the next set of desks, sitting across from Dorothy.

*****

When Cas was sure he didn’t look like he’s been crying, he walked into the hallway.  He knew he was late, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.  He would be on desk, which was the upside in what was turning into a shitty day.

He was so lost in his mind that he felt his heart jump as Becky called him.  He turned around to see Becky with her signature smile.  Even her perky energy couldn’t lighten his spirit.

“Hi, Becky.”  He grinned but was sure it was a grimaced.

The girl, bless her, either didn’t see his face or ignored it.  Knowing her, it was the latter.  Her smile didn’t falter at Cas’ lack of energy, which is why he liked her so much.

“Crowley said you’re with me.  Booking,” she clarified.

“I thought I was on the desk,” he said confusedly.  When late, Crowley took them off their previous takes and make them suffer at the desk.  It wasn’t the worst job.  He’d rather that than _booking._

“You were, but Krissy went home sick, so Crowley told me that you would cover.”

Cas wanted to growl.  Being put on desk duty when late was a punishment, but for Cas.  _This_ was a punishment.  He had to wonder if Crowley knew this and that’s why he picked him as Krissy’s replacement.

“Okay,” Cas sighed, already feeling drained, he had no energy to fight.  Like he would, but he usually made snarky remarks, catching them from Dean.

Cas slid behind the desk and took the chair near the end.  Becky sat next to him and smiled at him.  Cas didn’t look over, but Becky didn’t say anything.  He wanted to go home.  The talk with Gabe did nothing.  It was just what he always told himself from someone else.  He was getting no help.

“You okay?”  Becky turned towards Cas, smile a little dim.  “Cas?” 

He wasn’t focusing on his job.  He was living this morning over and over.  Dean didn’t realize he was still hurting Cas.  Talking to him when Cas didn’t want was pushing too hard.  He knew Dean wanted to fix this.  So he’s said nearly every day.  But making it up to him, Dean needed to let Cas come to him.  Which was the reason for their fight this morning.  He couldn’t deal that it was all on Cas.  And that made this whole situation worse.

“Um… Yeah,” Cas drawled, pulling at his hair.  “I’m fine.  Just tired.”

“It looks like it,” the woman hummed.  She swung her chair back as the door open. Cas could tell she wanted to ask for more, but she never tried for more if Cas told he didn’t want to.

He was thankful for the distraction.  He just hated the stupid stories all the cuffed people came in with.  And it was worse when they believed them to be true.  They weren’t.  If they were, they wouldn’t be here.

Just after noon, Cas was ready to bash his head in.  He was trying to make conversation with Becky, but each time he started, he just wanted to stop.  Becky didn’t push and when he stopped she just let it go.  He knew it was because she hasn’t been here for long and didn’t know him that long.  But, he liked her more for that.

The day felt twice as long and when his shift was over, he rushed a quick ‘good bye’ to Becky as he slipped into the locker room.  Dean was tying his boots as Cas walked to his locker.  They locked eyes, but the moment was barely a second before Cas broke it.  They weren’t alone and he didn’t want to look too long.  He was always told when he locked eyes with Dean for too long.  Which, sue him.  At the time he didn’t care, but now, he didn’t want it.

By the time Cas was changed, Dean was gone and the afternoon shift was in, changing.  He smiled at Aiden on his way out.

The drive home was hell, which made his day the worst.  He wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation with Dean.  All he wanted to do is have dinner and fall asleep.  If Dean let him.  The man was adamant to talk, even though he put them in this situation.

He knew he had to let Dean talk.  It’s been nearly three weeks since Dean came home.  It was creeping up to May, and he was still being cold.  He felt he could go longer, but he was becoming Dean, and he didn’t want that. 

When he _finally_ got home, he dropped his head against the steering wheel.  Even if he had desk duty, he’d still be tired, but not like now.  It seemed like a common occurrence ever since Dean returned.  Almost every day he felt emotionally and physically exhausted.  He never felt rested.

“Dean?” he called out as he walked through the door, expecting Dean to be on the couch.

He heard shuffling and Dean calling out.  “Hi,” he said as he walked to the couch.

This was so weird.  They were both shifting and careful when they were home together.  It was funny when they fought, they acted more like a couple.  Now, they were like two strangers.

He wanted to fix this.  Needed to fix this.  But he didn’t know how.  He didn’t know if Dean’s behaviour was just to get Castiel to forgive him.  Or if he was being true.  He wanted nothing more for it to be the latter, but after all these years, someone couldn’t change _that_ much in only a few weeks.  Could they?

“I really don’t know what we have left to talk about,” Cas said as he sat in the armchair.  “What can we say without sounding repetitive?”

“Look, I know I fucked up in the past.”

Cas scoffed quietly.  The was a huge understatement.  Three weeks doesn’t make up for the years Dean pushed him away.  Now, he was being Dean (which he hated) and Dean couldn’t stand it.  What he was being, wasn’t him, but he couldn’t let Dean off for this.  Well, not easily.

“You know, you do that, Cas.  Won’t let me finish or cut me off.  You don’t believe me.”  It wasn’t a question and Cas felt a pull in his stomach.

“Now you know how it feels.”  That’s been his answer for every thing.  He knew he wasn’t answering Dean.  But, did Dean really deserve it now?

“But, you’re not giving me a chance.”

“Do you deserve it?”  Cas knew he was being unfair.  This is what he wanted for so long.  For Dean to come back to him.  But, after the last three months, he didn’t know if he wanted this anymore.  He loved Dean and would do anything for him, but maybe it was too late to fix them.  Maybe Dean was too late.

“No,” Dean answered truthfully as he looked down at his hands.  “But, please let me try.”  He really wanted to say he still loved Cas, but it would only set them back and Cas wouldn’t believe him.  “But, you won’t let me try.”

“I have.  It’s not fast enough for you.  Apparently,” Cas muttered the last part, to quiet for Dean to hear.  “I really don’t know what we can change.  Forgiveness can only happen so fast.”

He watched Dean as he looked at his feet, still rubbing his hands together.  Maybe he could give Dean a little more to work on.  Maybe he could test Dean with new things.  It’s been three weeks, Dean didn’t push Cas for more.

“Maybe,” he took a deep breath.  This was a stupid situation to be in with your husband.  He was giving Dean permission to do things that should never have been taken.  “Maybe,” he repeated, still wondering how they even got to this place.  “We could start touching.”

Dean finally looked at Cas, brows furrowed.  He wasn’t sure what Cas meant by that.  It could mean many things.  Since coming back, Cas wouldn’t let him touch him at all.  He agreed, but it was hard when he found Cas crying.  He never went to Cas because he would deny it.  Even though they both knew why.

Earlier today he really wanted to hug Cas.  He could tell he was holding back tears and cried when he left the room.  He wanted to be able to hug Cas properly.  Not like they didn’t in the past.

“Like, you can touch me—hug me?”  As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he missed the feeling of Dean’s hands on him.  Sometimes their arms would brush, and Cas wanted to give in.  But, he stayed strong until he was ready.  Which was now.  Sex was still off the table and would be for a long time, but Dean never pushed on that matter and it made Cas forgive him a little more.

“You sure?  I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes at how trying Dean was, but he really wasn’t over trying.  He was doing what Cas asked and nothing more.  Which, Cas was grateful for.

“I am.  You’ve respected me and didn’t push, so I guess I should go further.  Just hug and touching though.”  He knew Dean wouldn’t press for more, but he needed to say it for himself.

“Okay.”  Dean nodded and gave a tight smile.

They also didn’t really smile.  When Cas tried, it was too hard to do it to the man that betrayed him.  Cas wanted to try again.  Not the sweet smiles that they would share years ago.  But, something.

“Can I?”

Cas thought for a moment.  He honestly didn’t think the night would end up here.  He didn’t know if it was a good thing or not.

Unable to answer, he just nodded and moved to meet Dean.  He wanted to cry.  As Dean’s arms wrapped around him, he felt himself break.  He wanted this.  Wanted this when they weren’t repairing their marriage.  And the realization of what this hug was, was too much.  He tightened his grip on Dean’s shirt, hating himself as he finally knew he needed this contact to know Dean was serious.  His words weren’t enough anymore.  He needed more.

When Cas pulled back, he had to swallow around the lump in his throat.  He wasn’t going to cry. 

“Sorry,” he whispered and nearly broke when felt Dean run a hand down his cheek.

“For what?”

“I don’t know.”  And he didn’t.  He really didn’t know.   He felt so confused right now.  He didn’t even feel like himself.  He didn’t like conflict and here he was, living it.

*****

Dean and Cas were on the overnight shift this week, which was fine.  Crowley kept Dean off this shift for about a month and Dean wanted to get back to his full routine.  He wasn’t paired up with Castiel this time.  Instead, he was with Becky.  He didn’t mind the woman, but she did creep him out at times.  He knew Cas liked her more.

There was also her hinting that he and Cas should go out.  He always laughed at that.  It wasn’t the first time someone suggested that.  Back then, nearly everyone was pushing them together.  He was sure no one caught on as no one asked.  But, he did wonder at times.

The shift was uneventful.  Nothing really happened, so he wasn’t shocked when he made it home within a half hour.  The sun was already beating down on him.   He actually wished for a cloudy day.  The sun always felt like an insult when he had to sleep through the morning.

He made it home within fifteen minutes, which was rare.  Cas’ car wasn’t in his spot.  Dean groaned as he walked to the elevators.  He liked when they were on the same rotation.  With shifts like these were hard when only one had them.

He quickly got ready for his much-needed sleep.  When his head hit the pillow, he heard the front door open.  He was too drowsy to wait for Cas.  He was out when Cas came into the room.

The rest of their week went like that.  At times, they would talk for a moment before sleeping.  The had lunch—dinner—together.  Something they didn’t really do.  They sat in the living room as they ate.  The kitchen table was used.  Actually, it wasn’t used before.

Dean stepped through the door, after visiting Bobby.  They had two days off before going back to work, which Dean was looking forward to.  Ever since he got back, he realized how much he actually liked being on the streets or behind a desk. 

“Hey,” Cas greeted, looking up from his computer.  He went back to his screen and started typing again.

“Hi,” Dean smiled as he sat on the armchair.  He took out his phone and sent a text to Sam about getting together with Bobby on his next weekend off.

Cas closed his laptop and turned to Dean.  “How is Bobby?”  He had been invited, but Michael kept him home on a ping pong match through emails.  He even told his brother to stop and pick up a damn phone.  However, he couldn’t because he would be in and out of meetings.

“He’s good.  You should come next time.”  Cas didn’t say anything, making Dean frown.  Maybe he was pushing him too much.  “How’s Michael?”

“A dick, like always.” 

Dean laughed.  Cas wasn’t very vocal when it came to his opinion of people, except his brothers.  He knew Cas loved his family, but they annoyed the hell out of him.  Which was why he wasn’t willing to help them.

“Did you eat?”  It was late and when Cas got going on something, he rarely stopped what he was doing until it was done.

“I did.  Michael pissed me off, I just had to stop.  Ate at Bobby’s?”  Whenever Dean went to Bobby’s he usually ate there.

They fell silent, the usual routine at the moment.  They both felt on edge when talking.  Dean didn’t want to push and Cas didn’t want to feel like he was giving too much.  Which was insane.  The whole point was to let Dean back in and share things to watch if Dean flinched or let Cas continue.

Lately, Cas was feeling like he wanted to let them go a little past hugging.  He missed embrace and he missed kissing him.  Most the times it would lead to sex, but he wanted to try.  He felt ready.  Dean gave him no doubts to question him.

“You know,” Cas said as the period of the game Dean was watching started.  Did Dean get annoyed that he didn’t care about sports?  He never said.  “I’ve been thinking that I like these past few weeks.”  And he did.  He didn’t feel like Dean’s behaviour was an act.  He finally realized that when he woke up to Dean’s arm wrapped around him.  Something they didn’t do anymore,

Dean’s mouth fell open. slightly.  He didn’t know how to respond.  He was finally happy Cas was letting him in.  Something he shouldn’t have to, which made Dean’s heart clench every time he thought of it.

“And, I-I-I want-” he cut off feeling embarrassed for even thinking this.  “I think I’m ready to…” he trailed off, hiding his head in his hands.  He heard Dean’s sharp intake, which made him feel worse.

“Are you sure?  I don’t want to-”

“I want this, Dean.”  Cas moved up and walked to Dean. And gently pressed his lips against Dean’s.  He sighed and melted into the feeling of Dean acting on the kiss.  It was so new, which was sad.  It shouldn’t be.

Dean cupped Cas’ face and deepened the kiss, pulling a quiet moan from his husband.  He felt encouraged and moved a hand down Cas’ chest. 

“Please, Dean,” he whispered, pulling at Dean to stand.  He felt his cock twitch as Dean’s hand went under his shirt.  Fuck, he missed the gentle touches.

He pulled Dean up, sealing his lips for one last passionate kiss before leading to their room.  He gasped as Dean pushed.  He wiggled back, giving Dean room to cover him.

He let his hands run down Dean’s back, pulling up his shirt and sighing as he felt Dean’s skin against his.

Dean started to grind against Cas’ clothed cock, pulling a moan from the man under him.  He ran a hand down, smirking as Cas shivered.  He cupped Cas crotch and smirked as Cas moaned.

Cas eyes flew open and froze.  What was he doing?  This wasn’t right. He wasn’t ready.  It was a slow and scary realization.  He couldn’t do this.

“Dean,” he tried to keep his voice from wavering.  “Please.  Stop.”  He had his hand on Dean’s chest, gently pushing him back.

“What is it, Cas?  Am I rushing too-”

Cas shook his head, cutting Dean off.  “No.  It’s just… I can’t do this.  Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Cas,” Dean said as he moved to sit beside Cas, who had his head in his hands.  He moved his hand to touched Cas, but the man moved away.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch,” Cas mumbled, more to himself as he moved off the bed.

“Look, Cas, can we please talk?”  It was funny.  Before it was always Cas who wanted to talk, now it was Dean.  And he hated it.  If this was half of what Cas felt, maybe he didn’t deserve Cas forgiveness so fast.

“No.  Not right now.  Please.” 

Dean nodded, but Cas still had his back to him.  He watched Cas walk down the hall before falling back on the bed.  Fuck.

Cas laid down on the couch, glad that he already changed out of his clothes.  He stared at the black screen of the TV, feeling tears build up in his eyes.  What was he doing?  Did he really think he could forgive Dean that quickly?  Did he really think he could forgive Dean at all?

He was letting his feelings for Dean blind him.  His shoulder shook as a cry ran through him.  He had to bit his lip from letting out any sounds.  He didn’t need Dean to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had Gabe and Sam's breakup planned since the beginning of this.


	31. Chapter Thirty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!!!

Becky walked out the change room, Chuck and Charlie were hunched over a piece of paper in Chuck’s hand.

“Hi, Chuck.”  The man didn’t seem to have heard her.  She caught that they were talking about Gary and money.

“Well, he still has…” Charlie trailed off when she spotted Becky.  “Hey.  Sorry.  Didn’t see you.”

“What are you talking about?’  The younger woman eyed Chuck's hand and then his face.

“The bet,” Charlie answered with a wide smile.

“Oh.”  She frowned.  She had been asked to join only a month in and was shocked they still were asking people.  “That’s still going on?”

“Um, yeah,” Charlie grinned.  “And you’re the only one we’ve asked to say ‘no’.”

“You sure you don’t want in, Becky?” Chuck spoke up as he looked up from the list.

Becky hummed and shook her head.  “No.  I still say they're together.  But I won’t bet on it.”

“Becky, you haven’t been here long,” Chuck said and placed a hand on her shoulder.  “I highly doubt Dean and Cas are in a relationship.”

“If they are, I’ll hand over my next pay cheque to them.  But I doubt they could stand each other to last even a day together.  Did you see how Cas acted when Dean came back?  If it happens soon, who wins?”

“Um,” Chuck hummed, looking at the paper he took back.  “Victor said last month, so he’s out.  You said the next Christmas party.”

“Alcohol, man.”  The older woman chuckled and crossed her arms.

“Isn’t kind of bad to bet on your friends getting together?” Becky asked, feeling guilty for letting this happen.  Actually, she really had no say.

“That’s hopeful, Rosan,” Charlie answered, looking over the older officer’s shoulder.  “We’re just betting on when they’re gonna fuck.”

Becky made a face and glanced to the side, watching Cas and Dean talk.  Well, Dean _trying_ to talk.

“They don’t hide the tension,” Chuck agreed, following the young officer’s gaze.

“I’ll say,” the officer chimed in, just as Cas huffed and rolled his eyes.

“So,” Becky said, turning to Chuck’s hand.  “If they are actually together, does that mean I win?”  Maybe participating in the bet wouldn’t hurt.  And she _was_ right.

“You have to pay in,” Charlie grinned, eyeing the girl.  This would be interesting.

“How much?” 

“Any price.  Victor lost a hundred for saying last month.  Twenty is the start.  Charlie put in seventy.”

“Yeah, but when I win, I’ll get nearly four hundred.”

“She’s too confident.”  Chuck nodded his head to Charlie.

“You saw them at that Christmas party.  I thought for sure.”

“How many people do you have?” Becky asked, ignoring Charlie.

“Twelve.  With you, thirteen.”

“How long has this bet been going on?”

“Just over a year.  After the Christmas party.” Charlie answered, nudging Chuck, who rolled his eyes.  Yeah, he thought that night for sure.

“How do you know it hasn’t happened?” Becky asked as she turned to watch Dean and Cas walk away.

“Trust us,” Chuck sighed and turned to Charlie with a grin, “We’d know.”

Becky wanted to interject, they were all delusional thinking Cas and Dean haven't fucked yet.  She’s been here for a few months and already she could tell what they had was an act.  Or, not an act, but they were together.

“I’ll do fifty.”  She wanted to do more, but she already felt guilty enough for getting in on the bet.

*****

Cas bit his lip as he watched Dean talking to Garth.  They haven’t said anything since this morning.  Dean tried to talk about last night, but that conversation would take longer than fifteen minutes.

He heard Garth laugh loudly, and that twisted his stomach into knots.  Couldn’t Dean act a little affected at work?  The sight of Dean smiling widely made his chest grow tight.  He only realized in that moment that Dean never smiled at him like that anymore.  Not the tense or forced ones he always got.

“Glad to see him fitting back in,” a voice pulled Cas from his thoughts.

He rolled his eyes.  “Why wouldn’t he,” Cas snapped, a little defensive.  “What do you want, Lafitte?”  He was still a little pissed at the man for letting Dean go.  Even though it _was_ Dean’s choice, Benny gave him the opportunity.  It didn’t help his opinion against Benny change.  Actually, it got worse.

Benny chuckled, making Cas grit his teeth.  Fuck, why did he have to deal with Benny?  He was a detective and never came down here to _talk._

“No, he really wouldn’t have a hard time,” Benny agreed, ignoring Cas’ frustration, or maybe he didn’t catch on.

“Everyone wished him back.  So, yeah.”  He just wanted Dean to be done so they could leave and leave Benny behind.

His worst fears were answered when Benny finally got Dean to leave.  He had to realize that it was Dean’s fault too, but it was easier hating another man than his husband.  He did enough, and he needed someone else to hate.

It also didn’t help that before he knew why Benny was coming to Dean or he was seeking out Benny, they were getting together a lot.  It hurt that Dean would rather be around Benny than him.  Now, he knew why and it didn’t make it hurt any less.  Dean showed that he didn’t need Cas’ opinion.

He didn’t know why he let Dean touch him last night.  He wasn’t ready.  And after last night, he was scared that he never will be.

“He’s a good worker.  Can see why.  That’s why I chose him.”

Cas felt his blood boil.  It was like Benny was taunting him.  Trying to get him to admit that he had feelings for Dean.

Cas didn’t bother responding and felt no satisfaction as Benny left without another word.  If Benny did say something, he was sure he’d snap.  He never liked Benny talking to him about Dean.  Which, what was the point?  No one here knew they were together.  They were just work partners here.

But, maybe people were catching on.  To what?  He was sure they were hiding it well.  Even when Dean was gone, he acted relatedly normal.  Well, except for the first day.  But that wasn’t enough to erase their act.

Last night really made him realize that what Dean was doing wasn’t enough.  It would never be enough.  He loved Dean, but maybe they were too late.  Dean realized his mistake when he performed the worst betrayal he could do.  And suddenly Dean wanted him back?  Why did it take until Cas asking for a separation?   And now Dean wanted him to forgive Dean like he just didn’t slowly kill Cas all these years.

The past month, Dean was trying, and Cas fell so easily into the act.  What Dean did shouldn’t allow forgiveness for what he did all these years.  He realized his mistake and he wasn’t going to do it again.

He really needed to talk to Dean.  After his talk with Gabe, he realized that maybe divorce would be best.  The separation didn’t go well.  And so much time has passed, their mistakes couldn’t be easily fixed.  Maybe they were better off going different ways.  He could finally live his life and Dean could live his.

“Are alright?” a voice pulled Cas from his thoughts.  He jumped and looked around.  Benny had left and Dean was in his place.

 _No._ “Um. Yeah.  I-I just…” he trailed off, brushing past Dean and walked into the change room.

Dean stood, watching Cas disappear.  He sighed tiredly and turned to see Kevin talking with Anna.  He felt like he was on the outside here, which was stupid.  He was only on the outs with Cas.  And every day he was reminded of that.

He shouldn’t have kissed Cas.  He knew Cas was trying to move forward, but he still felt like he didn’t deserve it.  It was hard to stop when Cas was kissing him and pulling him close.  Cas was the one to lead, which made Dean want nothing more than to show Cas he loved him.

He hurt Cas too much and it was a miracle that Cas hasn’t asked for a divorce yet.  He knew he would say ‘yes’ if Cas asked.  He didn’t want to, but he owed Cas that.  He had to do anything and everything to show Cas that he was sorry and wanted to make him happy.  It probably would kill him, but he was killing Cas all these years.  Even Sam was done with him.  He called his brother after Cas left the room and Sam didn’t want to hear it.  He told Dean that he’d fucked up if he’s asking for his help and that he had to fix this on his own.  He knew Sam was right, but it hurt from Sam.

“Are you ready?” Cas asked, coming back to Dean.

“Yeah, but Cas, can we a least talk?”

“No,” Cas huffed and walked down the hall. 

Dean followed, still pleading, but Cas ignored him.  He stopped at the cruiser, growling when he couldn’t open the door.

“Open the door, Dean.”

“Not until you say something.”

Cas gritted his teeth, cursing Dean under his breath.  “Fine.  Open the door.  There, I said something.”

Dean was fighting a snarky remark and just unlocked the car.  “Fine.  Get in.”

They stayed quiet for a moment before Dean spoke

“Cas?” Dean asked as his hand fell from the key.  “Can we talk?”

Cas stayed silent for a moment before facing Dean.  “No.  Not at work.”

“I only want to talk about last night.  Please.  I can see you’re mad and-”

“Because I _am_ mad, doesn’t mean I can’t do my job.  You have multiple times.

Dean chose to ignore the dig.  “Come on, Cas, talk to me!  Please,” he pleaded as he leaned over the driver’s side of the cruiser.

“I have nothing to say to you, Dean,” Cas seethed and turned to the window.

“Cas-” Dean tried again, turning in his seat.

“Just drive, Dean.”   He didn’t want to do this.  Dean wouldn’t give up and yet, he already did.

“I’m not driving until you talk.”

“What is there to say?  You are not noticing how much you’ve hurt me.”

“I have.  Cas, I can only say ‘sorry’ enough before it means nothing.  And I’m trying to show you I want to make up to-”

“No!” Cas snapped.  “Do not put this on me.  You’re the reason we are like this.  You can’t handle that you fucked up and have to wait for when I’m ready.”

“Last night-”

“Was a mistake,” Cas huffed and turned to look out his window.  They still haven’t moved and Dean said they would.  “Please, can we just drive?”

“Not yet.”  Cas thought Dean was going to touch him but quickly dropped his hand. “What happened last night?”

Cas clenched his eyes.  He really didn’t want to do this at work, but Dean’s been bugging him since they woke up.

“What happened was that I realized that I wasn’t ready to forgive you.”  That you can’t love me anymore.  You stopped, but are just trying for me.  He couldn’t do this to Dean.

“Then we’ll go back.  Go at your own pace.”

“You know why it’s hard to forgive you and think that you still love me?”  Cas was still looking out at the empty parking lot.

“Look Cas, I’m-”

“I swear if you try to apologize, I-”

“I’m not.”  Dean’s voice was quiet.

“Three months!” Cas snapped and turned to face Dean.  He wanted to cry in anger and frustration.  “Three fucking months you left me alone.  After you pulled me in to think that we still have a chance.”

Cas turned back to the window, unable to handle Dean’s guilt in his eyes.  Dean was silent, letting Cas finish.

“You just went ahead and made the decision that you wanted this opportunity!  In case you forgot, we are fucking married, but sorry, I forgot that you were too afraid of who you are to even accept yourself for who you are.”

Dean wanted to jump and say he always wanted Undercover.  He only hid that he was accepted.  Which, yeah, he fucked up there.

“I’m not afraid of who I am.”

Cas scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “We wouldn’t be hiding if you were fine with being with me.”

“We can.”

“No.  We _can’t._ We aren’t happy and coming out is not going to fix this.  And I don’t want us to come clean when _I_ don’t want it.”  Cas wanted to see Dean’s face, but forced himself to keep his eyes outside.  “Hurts doesn’t”

Cas chanced a glance at Dean, feeling a knife drive through his heart.  He wanted to scream at Dean’s blank face.  Couldn’t he at least look guilty or regretful?

“Just…” Cas sighed a pulled at his hair.  It’s only been a half-hour since their shift started and he wanted to leave.  “Please, can we just go.  Please?”  He knew his voice sounded weak, but he was past caring of what Dean thought.

“Come on, Cas.”  He still didn’t turn the key.  “We can work through this.  I’m sorry I left.  I regret that I didn’t handle things with you better, but please, can we talk about it?”  He was desperate.

“Work what out?” Cas shouting, snapping his neck around in an alarming speed.  “We’re done.  There is nothing left to save.”  The words were like a knife to Dean’s heart.  “Isn’t that what you once said?”

Cas was really tired of this conversation.  He said what Dean wanted to hear, maybe this would end.

He wanted to stop.  Dean’s face looked gutted and though he said what he assumed Dean wanted to hear, he wasn’t acting like it.

“We’re not worth saving?  Not anymore?”  He was repeating what Dean had once said to him more than half a year ago and now suddenly he has a sickening feeling this was what Cas was feeling when he said the very same words.  He wanted them to be worth saving, but they weren’t.

Dean pursed his lips and turned the key.  He didn’t reply or speak as they drove down the road.  He was stiff, afraid to move.

Cas was silent for a while as they moved.  While their minds should have been at the current task at hand, they were far from it.  They both jumped when the radio crackled, filling the tense air with the dispatch voice.

“Don’t take it,” Cas begged as Dean picked up the radio.  He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want Dean to answer.  He felt on edge.

“Why?”  Dean’s hand still held the radio, but he was glancing at Cas.

He really didn’t know.  Even the feeling he had this morning was still there.  “I don’t know,” he answered weakly.

Dean just stared but pressed the button.  _“23-10.  We’re on our way.”_

“What the hell?”

“We have to do something, Cas.  We can’t just stay in the car all day.”

Cas didn’t answer.  He felt his stomach flip, and he actually felt sick.  Maybe he was coming down with something.

When they pulled up to the warehouse, Cas grabbed Dean’s arm.

“What’s with you today?  You been acting weird all day,”

Cas suppressed an eye roll and let Dean’s arm go.  “I think we should do the premature.”

Dean huffed and got out of the car.  “You can, but I’m going inside.”  God, he needed to get out of the rain.  He also just wanted to get on with this.  It was probably just teenagers.  _Again._

Cas chewed on his lip, watching Dean walk away.  His hair was already sticking to his face and did want to get out of the weather.  But his job came first. 

“Fine.”  Cas stared up at the sky, getting pelt in the face.  He didn’t want to be here.  The nauseous feeling in his stomach grew. 

“I’m going to go here,” Dean instructed, pointing straight.

“Fine.  Never listen to me anyway,” he muttered under his breath.

“Hey,” Dean snapped, turning on Cas.  “I do listen to you.”

“No.  You don’t.  You haven’t in a long time.”

“Sorry for taking charge here.”

“That’s just it.  You _always_ do.  Just, forget it.  I’ll check over here.”  Cas didn’t listen as Dean called out.  He was mad and it was on Dean and him.  He’s husband had a way to get under his skin and not in a good way.

The warehouse was big and abandoned.  It was the perfect place for teenagers to mess around and for drug deals.  However, this call felt nothing like that.

“What are you doing with your life, Novak?” he asked himself as he walked to a set of stairs.

He oddly missed calling himself Winchester, but it felt weird calling himself that when no one else did.

Cas walked up the stairs, pulling his gun out.  He didn’t hear anything, except the rain hitting the roof, which echoed around him, making it harder to hear inside. 

“Really?” he groaned to himself when he got to the end of the hall.  There was nothing.  Not even a sign of anyone here.

“Dean?” he called into the radio.  Maybe he was having the same luck as he.  It’s been ten minutes and nothing from Dean.  “Dean?” he tried again.

If Dean was mad at him, be mad at home.  Not on the job.

“Dean,” he huffed annoyingly.   He turned and rubbed a hand over his face.  The broken window blew cold air into the room, causing Cas to look up.  Really, why they here.? The call said about a disturbance, but he has yet to see anything.  Unless Dean did.

Instead of radioing again, he just walked to the stairs.  If Dean didn’t want to answer, then fine.  He just wanted to get out of here.

*****

Dean watched Cas walk away.  He took a deep breath and tipped his head back.  Why couldn’t they just get on the same page?  Yes, it was his fault, but he wanted to make it up to Cas.  But it was really too late.

He started walking down the beat-up hall.  The floor groaned under his weight, filling the room with his footsteps.  He got to the end when he heard shuffling around the corner.  He drew his gun and rounded the wall, expecting someone hiding.  Which was what they usually found with these kinds of calls.

He slowly shuffled down the new part of the building.  He heard the footsteps get closer.  His heart sped up and he tightened his grip.

“Who’s…” he trailed off when the man stepped out of the shadows.  “Marv?” he gasped in disbelief.

The older laughed and grinned vindictively.  He had his hands behind his back and stood straight.  “Hello, Dean.  Long time.  Hasn’t it?”

“Hands up,” Dean ordered, keeping his gun pointed at the ex-cop's chest.

“Oh, don’t be like that, Winchester.  You know me.”

“Yeah.  I know you’ve left a trail of bodies around.”

“Well, you have to let your completion know that you mean business.”

“And you think this is a joke?  Jesus.  You haven’t changed.”

“Neither have you, Dean.  We’re not so different.  Still hiding your marriage,” Marv taunted.  He found out the secret when he saw Cas hug Dean and the gold band around Dean’s neck when he changed.

“We are not.  And that’s none of your business.”

“So that’s a no?  Wow, Winchester.  Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“You leave Cas out of this.  Why are you here?”

“Mmm, so protective,” the older man hummed and widened his grin.  “I was hoping you’d take the call.”  Marv wanted to cross his hands, but he couldn’t move his hands.  Not yet.

“And why?”  Dean had a sickening feeling why.  Marv always had an odd thing for him, but he could never figure it out.

“Isn’t it obvious, Dean?  I want you on my team.”

Dean let out a humourless laugh, still keeping his eyes on his old partner.  “Like hell. I’ll never go with you.  I’m not corrupted like you.”  He saw a flash of anger in Marv’s eyes, but was gone as soon as it was there.  “Did you honestly think I would go with you?”

Marv paused for a moment, pursing his lips as if he was thinking.  “No.  You’re not like me.”

“Thank God,” Dean cut in.  “Like I’ll be like you.”  He ignored the fury.  “I’m not you’re double.  If you're thinking I’ll go with you, you’re wrong.  Now show me your hands.”

 _“Dean?”_ Cas’ voice crackled through his shoulder.  His hand itched to respond, but that meant moving his gun and with Marv staring at him like he was, he just had to ignore it _._

“So, Cas _is_ here.  Why don’t we bring him down here?”

“No!” the officer snapped, narrowing his eyes.  “This between us.  Hands!  _Now_.”  He tried again, but Marv ignored him.

“But it’ll be more fun, Dean.”

 _“Dean?”_  He heard again and tried to ignore it.

“Seems like he wants to join.”

“Fuck you, Marv.  Cas is not coming down.  And what do you want?”

“I already said.  I want you with me.  When we work together, we were unstoppable.  We could be great again.”

 _“Dean!”_ He heard Cas snap, knowing he was frustrated with him, but he couldn’t move.  Marv still wasn’t showing him his hands.

Dean scoffed.  They were not a good team.  He did what Marv wanted because he’d been on the force long before him.

“We were not a team.  We were partnered together, but not a team.”  Not like he and Cas.  Even after all these years, they still worked well

“You just don’t want to admit it.”

“The answer is still ‘no’.”

In a flash, Marv pulled a gun from behind him.  It was much larger than Dean’s and that scared him. 

Cas rounded the corner, trying to find his ignorant husband.  He gave up on the radio and was just trying to find him.  He was about to call again when he spotted Dean standing stiffly with his gun pointed to Marv, who had his own pointed to Dean.

“Dean!” he cried and realized his mistake when Dean turned to him.  He pulled out his gun.

Dean looked at Cas, fear in his eyes as he pointed his gun to Marv, but he was too late.

Everything happened so fast.  Dean was distracted just as he heard the sound of a gun firing.  He thought it was Cas’ but then he felt like he’s been punched in the chest.  He looked down just as another shot hit him.  He staggered back, losing his balance.  He heard a few more pops, be felt no new pain.

Cas dropped next to him, pressing a hand to his stomach.  “Oh, God,” he heard Cas whispered or it could have full volume.  He was slipping.

He groaned loudly when Cas pressed harder.  It hurt.  Everything hurt, and he was feeling fuzzy.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said, not hiding the panic in his voice.  He tried to act calm as blood leaked from Dean’s vest.  Fuck.  As he pushed, more came out.  “They’re coming, Dean.”

Dean wanted to nod, but he couldn’t move.  It took too much energy to just breathe.  He felt a ringing in his head and Cas’ frantic instructions.  He tried to focus on his husband’s voice, but it sounded like was under water.

“Stay with me, honey.  They're coming.”  He was so caught up with controlling the bleeding that he didn’t realize what he said.

“Hard,” Dean croaked, wincing at the pain that shot through him.  He knew the wounds were bad.  He felt like he just wanted to die.  To give up.  He also felt the warm liquid drip down his chest.

“Try to stay focus, Dean.  I know it’s hard, but do it for me"

Dean tried to, tried not to let his eyes close. Everything around his was starting to blur, noises were becoming distant.  He heard voices from Cas’ shoulder, but it sounded like miles away.

There were sirens in the distant that Dean was slowly becoming aware of, but he was so concentrated on the pain and Cas’ hands, he really didn’t know if it was real or not.

Cas reached for his radio, to respond to Charlie, but his hand was shaking too much.  They were trembling against Dean’s wounds.  He tried to push harder to get a noise from Dean, but he got nothing.

“They’re coming, Dean.  Just hold on.  They’ll be here.  Please,” he whispered the plea, taking a deep, shaky breath.  He was trying to be strong, but he couldn’t.  
  
“C-C-Cas,” Dean choked out, barely above a whisper.  He had to say this.  He needed to let Cas know that he still loved him.  “I-I need-I wa-want-” he tried to fighting to stay awake, but it was becoming a losing battle. Dean's eyes began to drop and he vaguely heard Castiel begging him to stay awake. He was sure he was going to die. Help wasn't going to get here in time. He was going to die in Cas’ arms.

“Shh.  Dean.  Don’t do this.  Jubreatheath for me.  Please.  Save your energy.”  Cas felt like a broken record.  He was beside himself and couldn’t say anything more.

"C-Ca-" Dean tried again.  He wanted to apologize to Cas. He wanted to apologize for a lot of things. The list was extensive—there was too much.  But he needed to tell Cas he still loved him.  “I-I’m s-sor…”  He couldn’t finish.  He didn’t have enough energy.

The last thing he saw was Castiel's face, pleading and desperate, but there was something else, another emotion Dean hadn't seen from Cas in a long time: love.


	32. Chapter thirty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are here!!!!!!!!!!! The moment has come!

The ride to the hospital was a blur.  Nothing registered to Cas until he was standing at the desk, practically begging a nurse to give a status on Dean.  He spent close to a half hour being questioned on what he saw, what happened and what state Dean was in when Kevin and Charlie arrived with the EMTs close behind.

He wasn’t much help.  All he wanted was to go to the hospital, but Tessa wouldn’t let him until she got his full statement. He, of course, complied after she told him that Charlie would drive him over the moment they were done.  He still couldn’t provide much help since he didn’t see anything besides Marv firing two bullets into Dean’s abdomen.  He couldn’t tell her where he went, as his main priority was Dean and not the whereabouts of Marv.

He clenched his eyes tightly, a vision of Dean falling to the ground flashed before his eyes.

Charlie tried to make polite conversation with him, but he didn’t have the energy to reply.  He was staring straight ahead, wishing for once that they didn’t live in such a populated city.

He asked Charlie if she thought they could get away with putting the sirens on.  Technically, since they weren’t responding, it wasn’t ethical, but one look at Cas’ desperate, pleading blue eyes and Charlie flicked the sirens and lights on. 

Cas didn’t wait until Charlie had the car off before throwing open the door and ran.  He thought he heard Charlie call out, but he was too far to turn around.

The wait was agonizing and no one seemed to be affected and it pissed Cas off.  He kept pacing, ignoring Charlie’s pleas for him to stop and take a break.  How could he stop?  He had to keep busy or he would literally go mental.

“Dean Winchester!” Cas snapped.  This was the third time he had to repeat his husband’s name and the nurse still didn’t seem to comprehend what the hell he was talking about.  Always telling them they had nothing and to wait.

“Cas,” Charlie soothed softly and placed her hand on Cas shoulder, which he shrugged off, “please, calm down.  There won’t be anything on him now; they just brought him in.”

The nurse typed away on her keyboard and sighed before looking at the two officers—they weren’t the first ones she had dealt with today.

“Officers, as I told the other officers, Mr. Winchester was taken into surgery with a bullet wound to the abdomen.  Dr. Ry-”

“I know he was shot—I was there,” Cas growled again, surprising both the nurse and Charlie with his unusual behaviour.  “I want to know when he’ll be out.” 

He could almost hear Gabe’s taunting laugh and words of “easy there, Cassie.”  He supposed his brother would find some humour in the youngest Novak crumbling from his careful composure.

Gabe—that was another thought.  He had to call Gabe.  He’s pretty sure the hospital already called Sam—after all, he was listed as Dean’s next-of-kin and emergency contact.  They never got around to changing it.  This time it was because of their laziness and not another ploy to hide their marriage.

“Cas-” Charlie began, trying to calm her friend down.  She’s never seen him like this and it was scary.  As much as everyone joked that Castiel and Dean hated each other, this reaction from Cas clearly showed that it really wasn’t hatred.  He obviously cared for Dean.  In some odd and twisted way, they were probably friends.  They needed to bicker together to actually get along.

*****

Sam was in his car not even five minutes after getting off the phone with the hospital.  All he heard was Dean and hospital.  He grabbed his key and quickly explained to his boss that he was leaving.

The drive was slow and agonizing.  Traffic was close to a standstill and he was nearly jumping in his seat.  He tried to get a hold of Castiel, but after four times of getting his voicemail, he gave up and tossed his phone on to seat beside him.

Damn, Dean!  He knew this was going to happen.  He knew someday he was going to get a call from Cas or a hospital saying Dean was injured or dead.  His brother was reckless; he didn’t think clearly before throwing himself into a situation.

A million scenarios ran through his mind as to why Dean had been rushed to the hospital.  The lady on the phone wouldn’t give him any more detail besides that it was serious and that he needed to hurry down now.

He rushed through the front entrance after fighting for a parking spot.  He had to cut off a man in a Camry for the spot, but he didn’t care right now.  He may feel guilty later, but at the moment, Dean was his top concern.

He made it halfway to the elevators before he heard the voice calling out.  He turned and saw a panic looking Gabriel rushing to him.  That wasn’t good.

“Cas just called.  Sam, I’m so sorry.”  He had his phone clutched tightly in his hand.  He was looking up at Sam and pulled him in for a hug.  “They’ve got him in surgery.  I promise.”  He felt Sam tense against him and pull away.

Sam was stunned by the sudden contact.  He hasn’t seen or heard from Gabriel in two weeks.  He called Gabriel many times, apologizing in the messages.  He realized that Gabriel wasn’t going to forgive him.  And Sam had to agree.  Gabriel could do better.   _Much_ better.  

“What are you talking about?  Surgery?”  He looked scared now, not taking his eyes off of Gabriel.  “How do you—Cas?  Did he call?”

Gabriel furrowed his brows in confusion.   “Yeah—I mean…  Didn’t he?  Dean’s-”

“No,” Sam answered sadly.  “Cas didn’t call.  And all the hospital said when they did was that it was serious.  What happened?  Is he all right?  Where is he?  Can I see him?”

“Whoa, Sammy.  Calm down.”

Sam made a face at the nickname he never let anyone but Dean use.  He stupidly let Gabriel use it and now it hurt to hear it.  Not from the man he wanted to hear and might never again.  Gabriel took Sam’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze.  He released a heavy breath and stared up at Sam before just saying it.  “Dean was shot.  Cas didn’t tell me much.  I think he wants to tell you.  They rushed Dean into surgery about an hour ago.”

Everything around Sam faded away.  It felt like a bucket of ice had been dumped over his head.  He felt lightheaded and was sure that Gabriel’s grip on his hand was the only thing keeping him grounded. And he didn’t want that. 

 _Shot._ The word echoed in his head.  Dean was fucking shot.  How the hell could that happen?

“What the hell happened?” he yelled, though his voice was hoarse, sounding more like a croak.  “Where?  Is he okay?  Where’s Cas?”  He was going to strangle someone.  His hands felt titchy. 

“Sam,” Gabriel soothed calmly, rubbing his thumb over his wrist.  This probably wasn’t the first time he’s comforted a patient’s family.  “Please, I need you to calm down.  I will take you to the waiting room, but you need to breathe.”

Sam wanted to laugh.  The last thing Gabe had said to him was he wanted him gone and now he’s trying to comfort him.  He didn’t want to feel like he was a risk.  He was allowed to be mad.  To be out of his mind.  And why was Gabriel suddenly caring?

“Just take me to Cas.  I need to see him.”

Gabe thinned his lips and nodded.  “Okay.  But please try to settle down.”

Sam shot him a look and sighed in defeat.  He wasn’t calming down for Gabriel.  He was doing it for himself.  He needed to have a clear mind.

He pulled his hand from Gabriel’s grasped and let the older man lead them to the elevator.  Gabriel shifted as they stood in silence in the lift.

“Why are you doing this?” Sam asked, breaking the tense silence.

“Doing what?”

“Acting like you care.  That you’re trying to calm me.”  Sam looked down at Gabriel who was still looking at the metal doors.

“I still want to be there for you.”

Sam rolled his eyes and turned to face the closed door.   “You don’t need to.  Cas needs you.”   _I’ll be fine,_ Sam wanted to add, but he didn’t.  He’ll never be fine.  But Gabriel had to be there solely for Cas.  He would be fine.  He had to.  He had to be strong for Dean.

He was sure Gabriel was saying something, but he wasn’t paying attention to anything right now.  His mind was narrowed on Dean and wondering if this was the day where he would have to say goodbye. 

How bad was it?  Did he lose a lot of blood?  Was it enough to kill him?

God, he should have apologized for yelling at him and giving him a hard time when Dean wanted to talk to him.  He knew Dean had been going undercover for an undetermined amount of time, and that he was going to do it no matter what anybody said.  That was a dream of his and he knew it.  Nothing was out of Dean’s character.  It’s funny, all the things that felt significant this morning were suddenly minor compared to now.

He had half a mind to call their dad but knew that their dad would ask questions he couldn’t answer right now.  And the last thing Dean would want would be to wake to their whole family crammed into a hospital room.

“I should warn you, Cas is a fucking mess.” Gabriel’s voice was like the pause button on his mind.  Everything suddenly slowed down to a halt. 

Sam head snapped to the side and met Gabriel’s pleading eyes.  He wanted to laugh.  Gabriel was warning him what he figured: Cas was already a mess.

“And why are you telling me this?”

Gabriel sighed and reached for Sam’s hand.  He pulled his hand back quickly and hid it in his sleeve.  “You look mad.  I’m just-”

“Jesus, Gabriel.  I’m not mad at Cas.  I’m mad at this situation.”

“I’m just worried-” Gabriel didn’t get a chance to continue as the doors opened and Sam rushed out.

“You really don’t.  Gabriel.  Worry about Cas.”

When they made it to the waiting room, they were greeted by the sight of about six officers.  Most were standing, but two were sitting and the one sitting with Charlie, who was rubbing his back soothingly, was the one he was looking for.

“Cas.”  He didn’t notice how stressed out and panicked he sounded until he spoke.  He pulled away from Gabriel and walked over to his brother-in-law.

Cas slowly raised his head, his eyes looked tired, red and bloodshot.  His hair was a mess, more dishevelled than usual.  He jumped out of his seat as soon as he saw Sam. 

Sam felt his shoulders sagged.  All the pent-up anger slowly seeped out of him as he took at how broken Cas looked.  This was real.

“I’m sorry, Sam.  I’m so sorry,” he began to apologize, meeting Sam halfway. 

Fear fell over Sam’s face quickly.  Everything was happening at once that he barely had time to process one thought before another dominated his brain.  Was Dean—Did Dean…?  He looked around the room at the others.  He noticed Charlie, Chuck, and Kevin—there were two others, Anna and Garth—whom he didn’t recognize, but none of them looked devastated.

“It’s my fault,” Castiel continued, refusing to meet Sam’s gaze.  He didn’t want to see the anger in the man’s face once he knew that Dean’s shooting was his fault.  Despite everyone saying it wasn’t, he didn’t agree with them.  They were partners, in work and life, he was always supposed to have Dean’s back and he didn’t.  “I was supposed to protect him and I didn’t.  I left him alone, Sam.  I’m sorry.  I let this happen to him.”

Sam looked down at Cas and then over at Charlie who was now standing, biting her lip hard.  Tears were shining in her eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.

“It’s not your fault, Cas.  No one’s blaming you.”  He looked over at Gabriel.  He just shook his head and tilted his head to the door.  Yeah, that was probably a good idea.

“It is!  Don’t you understand?  I was supposed-”

Castiel was reaching his breaking point.  Why didn’t anyone see that he failed?  Sam was the sixth, maybe seventh person to argue him on this.  Gabe, Charlie, Kevin, Tessa, and Chuck all reassured him that Dean’s attack was not his fault, and each time he heard the words, they didn’t make him feel any less guilty.  It actually made him feel worse.

“Look, why don’t we talk somewhere-” looks up at and meet Gabriel’s eyes.  He averted his eyes quickly.  And while he knew everyone here all meant well, he didn’t want to have this conversation with them around “-more private and talk?”

Cas sighed in frustration and pushed his hands through his hair angrily.  “Fine.  All right.”  He turned around to his colleagues.  “Is it all right if I-?”

“Go,” Chuck ordered before Castiel could finish.  “It’s fine.  We’ll stay here, and if we get an update we’ll let you know.” 

Cas bit his lip.  He was torn between staying and waiting until there was news on Dean, but at the same time, he knew Sam needed the whole story.  He nodded finally and moved to lead the way.

“Sam.” Gabriel stopped them out in the hall.  “I don’t want to, but I have to get back to work, but please let me know when Dean’s out.”  He still had six hours on his shift, and he was needed back on the floor.  

Okay.  Was Gabriel seriously forgetting the Gabriel broke up with him?  He was acting like he—wait! Gabriel was probably telling him because he figured Cas wouldn’t be able to.  That hurt.

Sam only nodded and offered a very weak smile.  “Yeah.  Sure.” He turned and let Gabriel talk to Cas.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay,” Gabriel mumbled and pulled Cas close.

“It’s okay,” the younger man whispered.  He pulled back and glanced at Sam, who had his back to them.  “You still are an ass.” 

Cas never got Gabriel’s breakup with Sam.  He would have gotten it a bit if Gabe actually answered one of Sam’s calls.  He knew Sam was hurting and if Gabriel was trying to give him a lesson, he’s gone too far.

*****

They found a deserted corridor near the back of the hospital.  They were silent for a long while.  Sam slumped against the wall, while Cas paced a small length of the hallway.

“What happened, Cas?  Who was it?”

Cas continued to pace twice before he found the strength to look at Sam.

“We were responding to a call Dean wanted to take.  I should have known at the time that there was something wrong with the whole thing.”  He had a bad feeling all day, but he couldn’t tell Sam that.  He would be mad all over again for not telling Dean.

Sam saw the flash of panic through Cas’ eyes.  He wanted to tell Cas not to worry, just tell him.  They’d figure out everything else later.  But Cas started to talk again.

“I wanted someone else to take it, but Dean did before discussing it.  During that drive, we got into an argument.”  He paused and looked up at Sam.

He nodded, letting Cas know he was still with him.

“He wanted to talk about the past months, I still wasn’t ready, and I-” he took a deep, shaky breath “-Now I realize I was just being childish.  I said something, which pissed Dean off. And, oh God, I shouldn’t have done that.  I shouldn’t ignore Dean,” he cried, almost like he was talking to himself now.  “Maybe we wouldn’t be here.  I fucked up.  I’m the one that fucked up, Sam.”  He looked up at his brother-in-law, eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Cas, please, stop blaming yourself.  Please.”

“I can’t!”  Cas turned to face the blank wall, feeling his composer break, letting the tears go.  “Don’t lie.  You were mad when you saw me.  I know I fucked up with Dean and now I fucked up with you.  I can’t do anything right,” he said the last part to himself, but it came out hoarse.

“No, Cas.  I’m not mad at you.”

“Yes, you are!” Cas cried and rounded on Sam, his face tear stained and red.

“I was never mad at you.  The situation, Cas.  I can’t imagine what you-” The younger man stopped and tried to swallow around the lump in his throat.  “See you like this, I can’t handle it.  You need support.”

“I don’t need your pity.  I deserve this.”

“I don’t pity you.  I’m here for you.   We are.  This wasn’t your fault.  If you don’t believe the others, please, believe me.  That’s  _my_  brother in surgery.  Your  _husband_.  Dean would also say it’s not your fault.

Cas bit his lip, trying to stop his crying.  He needed to get through this.  He owed Sam.

“We got there and Dean wanted to go into the warehouse, but I didn’t.  I thought we should check the perimeter first and then work our way in.  I now know why he was so adamant about getting in.  If he knew or not, I don’t know, but Dean always wanted to get to it”

Sam remained silent, but it was hard not to jump in and ask Cas to just get to what happened.  What happened before was important, but right now all he wanted to know was who shot his brother and how.

“We had another fight and I basically told Dean he’s on his own then, because there was no way in hell I was going in there without looking around first.  I still didn’t know why we were there.  I thought it was just a call, but Dean was acting like it was more.”  He let out a mock laugh despite himself.  He really should have seen through the lie.  “Reluctantly I went in with him.  No one was in the warehouse and it was dark.  Dean wanted to split up, which I didn’t argue with since I just wanted to be away from him.”  He bowed his head in shame. 

Sam’s arms itched to reach and hug Cas.  They never did that.  The only time was at the courthouse years ago.  But he wanted that to change right now.

“Anyway, I looked around the building, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that something wasn’t right.  I radioed for Dean, telling him that we should just leave.  He never responded.  I called him two more times and it was still the same.  I figured he was still pissed at me so I decided to leave it and just go wait in the cruiser.  When I got closer to the exit, I saw them.”

“Marv?” The panic was evident in Sam’s voice.  He knew what this meant.  Marv was ruthless.  He didn’t care who he ran over to succeed.  But he wasn’t smart and that showed. 

Castiel nodded and looked up at Sam.  Tears were beginning to form in his eyes as he relived the events that lead them here.  “He was talking.  He had this gun—pistol in his hand. It was larger than Dean’s and I knew it wasn’t a good sign.  He had it pointed to Dean.  Dean was talking but it was too quiet.  W-when-” this was the hard part, this was what was going to make Sam hate him “-When I called Dean, he turned.  He looked away from Marv—away from the gun.”  He took a deep, shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling.  It was his fault!  “Dean turning away gave Marv the opportunity to attack.”

Sam let out a gasp and a small ‘no’.  He pushed his right hand through his hair and tugged on it harshly.  Tears began to well in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Sam.”  Tears began to fall down his face again and he did nothing to stop them.

“What happened after that?”  Sam ignored Cas’ apology, which stung a bit, but he knew that Sam just wanted the full story before he said anything about who was at fault.

“I saw Marv lift the gun, that’s why I called out, but that was a mistake.  As soon as I got his name out, the gun went off.”  He could still hear the sound Dean let out.  It wasn’t a shriek like people let out in movies, it wasn’t a loud cry or sob.  Dean grunted and hissed through his teeth.  He had been trying to stay strong.  Not giving Marv the satisfaction.  “I ran over to them; the gun went off again and Dean laid on the floor.  I checked on Dean first.  He was bleeding so badly, Sam.  I wanted to go after Marv.  He was so close.  He was within reach, but that would have meant leaving Dean and I-I couldn’t.  I stayed with him.  He went unconscious about three—five minutes after I made the call.  And...”  He couldn’t finish his thought.

Sam was silent for a moment, digesting everything.  He now knew why Cas felt so guilty.  The way it looked, had he not let Dean go off on his own, he wouldn’t have been with Marv alone, but, Dean also lied.  He led Cas along and wasn’t honest with him.  It was no one’s fault—it was unfortunate luck.

“So that bastard is still out there?”  Sam looked at Cas’ eyes.  All he saw was sadness and desperation.  It may have been years since he saw Dean and Castiel be affectionate with each other without it looking strained, but right at this moment, he knew that the man before him still loved his brother.  He still cared for him.

“Yes.”  The answer was barely above a whisper.

“Well, that’s—I’m not mad, Cas, not at you.  You’re are beating yourself up.  You are taking the blame.  But, nothing about this situation is your fault.  You didn’t shoot Dean.”

“But I-”

“Don’t argue with me, Cas.  It’s not your fault.  Stop saying you’re sorry and just go back to the waiting room and be there for Dean.  We’ll be there for each other.”

Cas still wasn’t sure if he believed Sam’s words, but seconds later he was being pulled by two strong, yet gentle arms.  The hug was a little awkward, considering they didn’t do this much, but it was welcomed. 

*****

Back in the waiting room, Crowley had joined them.  He was still in uniform as the rest of the officers were.  “Well, well, moose.  So nice to see you again.  Too bad the circumstances aren’t better.”  He gave a smug smile and Cas was half tempted to punch the man in the face.

“Crowley.”  Sam only met the staff sergeant a few times during Christmas parties and occasionally in the past few months when he got called to the precinct.  “I can’t say the sentiment is the same.”  He moved and took a seat next to Charlie. 

Crowley’s smile was vindictive.  While most of the officers at 23 were ass kissers, Dean and Cas were two of the only few who actually stood their own and bit back occasionally.  Sam proved to be just like his brother.

“Your words hurt me, moose.  I’m only here to offer consolation.  Be a little more pleasant.”   The older officer smirk and stepped over to the row of seats his officers were occupying.

“Funny, hearing from Dean, I assumed you were the Nurse Ratched of the NYPD,” Sam shot back without missing a beat.  “Heart of stone.”

“I try to be; doesn’t mean I don’t give a damn.”

Sam raised his eyebrows at that comment but chose to ignore it.

Cas was almost worried for the youngest Winchester.  Crowley was narrowing his eyes in a fixed glare on Sam, but there wasn’t anything he could do to the man.  It’s not like he could fire him.  He didn’t work for him.

“Any updated?”  Castiel decided to use this moment to change the subject.   Charlie and Garth were now missing, and in Garth’s place, Victor had shown up.

“No,” Chuck sighed and took the seat next to Cas.  “Charlie left to call Jo; said you and Sam probably haven’t had time to.”

 _Shit!_ Charlie was right.  In all the chaos, he completely forgot to call Bobby—unless Sam… No, Sam showed up less than an hour from getting the call, there was no way he had time to call him.

“Hey, it’s okay.  He’s going to make it.  You know Dean—he’s a fighter.”

“Isn’t that true,” Victor chimed in with a chuckle.  “Dude’s too stubborn to go down that easily and at the hands of Marv.”

“Sometimes two bullets to the abdomen aren't easy to overcome,” Cas stepped in, but his voice was quiet and was more to himself.

*****

It was four hours later that the surgeon came out.  Things went smoothly, but the next couple of days would be the most crucial.  They still had to wait a bit before Dean was placed in a room to see him, but right now they all could breathe a sigh of relief.

Cas hugged Charlie, who had returned, tightly.  He needed someone to ground him.  He was also glad that Charlie had ordered Cas to wash his hands.  The past hours were crazy and he didn’t realize that he still had Dean’s blood on his hands.  If Charlie didn’t tell him, he would have gone through the whole wait with Dean’s blood.

When he was in the washroom and cleaned his hands, when they were rid of the blood, Cas went into a stale and cried.  He was doing that at every free moment.  He thought he was out of tears, but he was wrong.  Dead wrong.  And that made him cry harder, realizing why he was crying.

When he returned, no one commented on his face or the fact that he was gone for over a half hour.  They all understood.

“I’m gonna call Gabriel,” Sam sighed after he and Cas shared another hug.  He knew it was a huge weight off his shoulders that Dean was okay, so he decided to give Cas sometime to himself.   

*****

Sam found an empty corridor and slid down the wall.  He dropped his head in his hands.  He let out a shaky breath.  Dean was fine.  Well, made it out of surgery.  He let the sob he’d been holding for hours.  He was so relieved.

He didn’t want Cas to see him like this.  The man was only holding on by a thread and if he saw him crying, Cas would go back to blaming himself.

It took hours to try and get Cas to say it wasn’t his fault.  But he was sure everyone knew Cas was lying.  He needed Dean to tell him that.  But until then, Cas put on the act.

After he controlled his breathing and was sure he was done crying, he called Gabriel.  He was probably working, but Gabriel had asked him to call if anything happened.  And he needed to do this for Cas.  He knew he was barely holding it, but he was doing better than Cas.

The phone rang four times before Gabriel answered, sounding out of breath.

“Hello?”

Sam felt his stomach drop.  Didn't Gabriel know it was him?  He wanted to laugh.  Was he that stupid to think Gabriel still kept him as a contact?  Maybe  _he_ was the idiot.  He still had Gabriel’s number.

Could he get be any more desperate?  He had a chance to look back at their  _very_ short relationship and it was always him who did the moves.

“Guess you don’t have my number,” Sam chuckled, but it sounded hollow and broken.  He was too emotionally drained to try anything.

“Sam?”  Sam wanted to laugh again.  How many calls was Gabriel expecting if he questioned if it was Sam?

“Yeah. It’s me.”

It was silent on the other line and Sam thought the call dropped, then he heard shuffling on the other end.

“Anyway,” Sam pushed on. Hoping the Gabriel was still listening.  “You ask for an update and Dean’s out and in recovery.  I have to go-”

“Sam,” Gabriel finally spoke and Sam really just wanted to go back to the floor and wait to see Dean.

“What?”

“How are you doing?”

Sam bit his tongue to stop a sarcastic remark.  He really didn’t want to talk to Gabriel.  He wanted to since that night, but  _now_ Gabriel wanted to talk to him.  He didn’t want to talk to his ex-what?  They weren’t boyfriends.  He was only doing this for Cas.

“Is that even a question?  Dean just got shot and recovery could still go to shit.”

“Sam, please.  Talk to me.”

“Funny how Dean almost dying will make you talk t-t-to m-me.”  His voice went shaky as tears started to fall and he really didn’t want to cry while talking to Gabriel.

“I know this is fucked up, but I’m worried for you.”

“Save your time for Cas.  He needs you.”

“I can still be here for you.”

“No.  you can’t.”

“Then who will be there-”

“I’ve been alone before.  Dean and I have learned to take care of each other.”  Sam cringed as he mentioned Dean.  His loyalty to Dean is what ended them.

“That’s not very smart-”

“Never s-said I was smart.”  He bit his lip to stop it from trembling.  It was true, though.  They always relied on each other.  They had each other and that was it.  Until Dean married Cas and it all went to Hell.  He was now suffering his punishment.  He was supposed to be there for Cas and suffer alone.  He could do it.

“Sammy.”  To Gabriel’s credit, he did sound sad, but he didn’t need his pity.  He had to live this. 

“It’s fine, Gabriel.  I need to go back and be there for Cas.”

“And you?”

Sam smiled weakly as tears still fell down.  “Like I said: I’m not smart.”  He ended the call and dropped his head forward.  He needed to let this out so he could be there for Cas.

*****

It was another two hours before Dean was brought to his room and they were cleared to see him.

By now only Kevin and Chuck were still around. Crowley had gone to talk to the doctor, probably asking for full details on the extent of Dean’s injuries and recovery time.  A middle-aged nurse with chestnut colour hair tied up was standing by the other officers.

“May I see him?” Cas asked unaware that it was he who spoke until he saw Sam and Chuck look at him.

The nurse looked at him then to Sam.  She gave him a sad smile.  “I’m sorry; only family at this point.”

“I want to see him,” Castiel demanded, tone more firm than it had been before.  “I’m his husband.  I should be allowed to see him.”  It didn’t register until the words were out, but in less than ten seconds he just broke their carefully crafted lie that ruled their lives for nearly nine years.  He was finally free and he couldn’t enjoy it. 

He wasn’t focused on anything or anyone besides Dean.  He would have seen  Chuck’s eyes nearly pop out of his head and Sam’s very similar expression or Kevin nearly choking on his own breath.  He only stared at the nurse, slightly challenging her to give him his way.

The nurse nodded and this time her smile was sympathetic.  “Of course.  He’s in room five.” She pointed to the room before walking back to the desk.

He took a step forward but stopped.  He slowly turned around and faced Sam.  It should be Sam going in first. It was selfish of him to take the first turn, especially when-

 “It’s fine, Cas,” Sam interrupted his thoughts.  “Go ahead.”  He smiled warmly.  “I’ll just wait here until you’re done.”

He offered his own weak smile and turned around.  Dean’s door was open, but that didn’t stop Castiel from hesitating. 

*****

Castiel sat in the chair for a while, afraid he would be stepping over some unspoken boundary if he moved any closer to Dean.  He remained quiet, just listening to the cruel pronounced beep of Dean's heart rate and allowing a thousand thoughts and words flow through his mind.  His eyes were most likely permanently stained red.  His eyes were dry, they were still stinging.

This wasn’t fair.  This wasn’t right.  Why was it always Dean?  Yes, he had done some horrible things to him in the past: throw away their marriage as soon as the first rift showed and let it build until it became unfixable.  He could forgive Dean for that.  He could forgive him for leaving him for three months without so much as a goodbye.  He could forgive Dean for wanting to keep their marriage a secret for so long that they started to resent each other.  He’d forgive; he just wanted Dean to open his eyes.  
  
He could hear the low murmur of Sam's voice outside, talking to Chuck and Kevin.  Those two were probably recovering from shock with the announcement he just made before going in the room.  
  
They all knew now. They all knew Dean and his dirty secret—the one they tried so hard to hide. It was out and there was nothing he could do about it.   Thinking back to how they hid their marriage, something they should have been proud of, Castiel was reminded of everything. Memories of their relationship—from the beginning to now flooded his mind.  If he had his time back, he never would have hidden it.  Eight years of hiding; coming clean and now having to own up to an impending divorce.  He didn’t want to, but…  
  
“I still need you, Dean,” Castiel whispered, moving closer to take Dean’s hand and squeezed it.  The steady beep of Dean's heartbeat was the only response he got. His eyes began to burn, but he fought the urge to cry again.  Actually, he cried so much, it would be an ugly miracle if he did.

 Seeing his husband hooked up to monitors and tubes, looking so broken, was heartbreaking.  He looked so weak and vulnerable.  He did not look like the strong, determined, and ready to fight man he’d grown to know and love.  
  
“You know,” Castiel let out a shaky breath and looked out the window into the hall.  Anna was now standing with Kevin, taking Sam's place; Chuck was only a couple of feet away with Charlie, who came back.  “After we fight, sometimes I think back to happier times.  Sometimes back to when we first met. When I ran into your locker because I was too busy with my book; how you apologized when it was clearly my fault.”  Tears began to well up in his eyes.  “Those memories are what helps me remember why I still love you.  How I am still that fifteen-year-old boy who fell in love with you the moment I first saw you.

Cas had to stop for a moment to collect himself.  He was feeling himself cracking.  He was trying to stay strong, but he wasn’t.

“I know the last few years haven't been the best.  Neither of us tried to fix it; I should have tried harder. I should have asked for a transfer when I was assigned to 23.  I had thought our working together would have been fun.  We’d get to ride together and at the end of the day know why we didn’t want to talk. We’d be there for each other.”  Castiel paused, trying to steady his breathing. He looked over Dean watching the steady rise and fall of his chest.

He didn’t know why he was speaking.  Dean didn’t know he was here.  Dean didn’t want him here.  He said he wanted to fix them, but has it been too long?  Did he want something different than what Dean wanted to try?

“I'm tired, Dean.  I want us to be happy again.  I want us to go back to the way we were: when we were fresh out of high school and you still loved me because of Dean, I still do.”  Tears were now freely running down Castiel's cheeks.  Fuck, he still had more.  He didn’t make an attempt in stopping them.  It was pointless; they were too broken.  “But you don’t want me.  You don't need me anymore.  And I think, sometimes, you never did.  You grew up so fast because of your dad, that… I think you are used to fighting on your own.  I needed someone.  I needed someone I could talk to, someone who would understand me.  Lucifer and Gabe never took anything seriously.  Michael wouldn’t even bother.  You were my anchor.  You kept me steady.”  
  
He whipped his eyes and sat up straight.  He looked at Dean’s closed eyes and let out a choked sob.   
  
“I don’t know if I can still do this.  It’s been a long time since we were happy.  I don’t want this and you don’t either.  So, I’ll let you go, Dean.  I really don’t and even though I wanted the separation, I didn’t want us to fall like this.”

Cas took a shaky breath.  His tears fell silently, rolling down his neck.  How he must look.  He hated when he had to fold.  When he had to realize that the battle he was fighting was beyond winning.

“If you really don’t need me; if you really want out, because I can’t try to fix this anymore, I’ll do it.  You wanted to talk for my sake and not yours.  I won’t you fight anymore.  I won’t hold any hard feelings against you.  I’ll let you walk away.”  
  
Castiel stood up and bent over Dean, pressing his lips softly against Dean's forehead. A couple of tears slid down his nose and onto Dean.  He didn’t whip them away and instead pressed his forehead against his husband’s.   
  
“I love you, Dean Winchester.  I always will.”  Castiel pulled back and looked at Dean once more before walking out of the room.   
  
Charlie and Kevin jumped at the sound and turned towards Castiel. Both of their faces were neutral until they saw Castiel's.   
  
“Cas-” Anna approached the officer, but he just shook his head and walked away.   
  
“Should we go after him?” Kevin questioned, the concern clearly present in his voice.   
  
“No.” Chuck shook his head and turned to look into Dean's room.  “Let him go.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are now at the chapter that started this story. In a Wal Mart stationery department in Buffalo, this idea came! Dean 's shooting and the part of Cas in the hospital were the start of this all. Never thought it would be this long. I had it planned for chapter seventeen when this was originally twenty chapters. Never thought it would be this long.


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OAKY!!! I'm putting a warning up because people are pissed at what Dean does. Please, Please understand that there is a reason. I don't do this stuff to create drama. I have the whole story planned and this what happens yet.

Castiel walked through the station the next day, feeling dead.  He had cried the whole night, getting hardly any sleep.  Sam had called around midnight, letting him know Dean was awake.  After he hung up, he cried all over again. 

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke for work, he felt like he was hit by a bus.  He honestly felt like he could just drop dead.  But, he needed to get ready, so he had to ignore how tired he was.

When he walked to Parade, Anna grabbed his arm and pulled him aside.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Um, my shift?”  He arched his eyebrows as he took in Anna’s frown.

“Like hell.  After what happened-”

“Just because now you know Dean and I are married, you now feel like you have to protect me?”

“No.  If we didn’t know that, you still shouldn’t be back to work after you witness your partner getting shot.”

“Crowley didn’t say anything.” Cas shrugged.  He actually would love to go home and sleep, but he needed to get his mind away from Dean.  Even for a few hours.

“You should have asked for time off.  How the hell did you get up?”

Cas really wanted to tell the truth, but he knew if he did, Anna would go to Crowley.  He just shrugged and looked at the seated officers through the glass.

“Cas?”  Charlie rushed over to them.  “W-w-what are you doing here?”

Castiel rolled his eyes and huffed.  “My job.  Like I told Anna.”

“Fuck no.” Charlie crossed her arms and glared.  “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Because I saw my _husband_ get shot, you feel like I shouldn’t be here?”  He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn’t help but feel like they were treating him differently because he saw his husband get shot.  Not Dean.

“No,” Charlie snapped.  “You saw your partner get shot.  No one comes in the day after they witness that!”

“Thank you, Charlie.”  His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but the woman ignored it.  “But, I’d rather be here than moping in my place.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Anna chimed in.

“No,” Cas agreed.  “But that’s not for me.”

“You’re hurting yourself, Cas,” Anna added, stepping closer.

“How?  I’m doing my job like always.”

“With different circumstances,” Charlie argued.

Cas didn’t get a chance to rebut before a strong British accent snapped.  “What the bloody hell are you doing here, Novak?”

All three officers turned to see their staff sergeant stalking towards them.  If Cas wasn’t so tired he would have backed up from Crowley’s harsh tone.

“Officer Milton and Officer Bradbury, go sit down.”  The man only kept his eyes fixed on Cas as the two women smiled sadly at Cas before leaving.

Cas squared his shoulders, standing stiff as he stared down the staff sergeant.

“Why are you here?  I gave you a week off.”

Cas frowned and bit his tongue.  Why was everyone asking why he was here?  He came because he had a shift today.  And Crowley never said he got time off.  “But, sir-?”  He was cut off by Crowley.

“I didn’t think I had to tell you.  It should have been obvious.  No one is expecting you back.”

“Sir-” he tried again but was interrupted.

“I don’t want to hear it.  You will go home and not return until next week.  And if I see you here before then, I will fire you.”

Cas was sure Crowley was bluffing, but you never tried to test the man.  Instead, you just agreed.

“Yes, sir.”

Crowley nodded and stepped aside to let Cas pass.  “Not until next week,” the man reminded as Cas walked back to the locker room.

*****

“Thank you, Sam,” Cas sighed into his phone as he walked through his doorway.  He just got home after Crowley kicking him out when Sam called.

He wanted to go see Dean today, but he had work or, well, he thought he had work. Sam had taken a week off, which was something Cas should have but decided not to.  It didn’t matter, he was off for a week now.

“Are you coming today?” Sam asked through the phone.  He had been at the hospital all night.  He could hear how tired the younger man was, but Dean woke up somewhere around midnight and Sam couldn’t just leave his brother.

“No.  I’ll go tomorrow.”  He needed to talk to Dean about them.  He knew it was bad timing, but Dean wanted to.  Well, before all of this.  Regardless, he needed time alone with Dean.

“I can come in the afternoon.  Give you two time?”

“That would be great, Sam.”  He paused as he kicked his shoes and placed his keys in the bowl.  “Does Bobby know?”

“He does,” Sam answered, slumping back into his chair.  Dean was asleep, and Sam was trying to keep quiet.  “I called after Dean woke.  Don’t know if he was pissed about the time or me waiting.”

“He’s probably stressed and being pissed because of it.  Don’t think it’s you.  He loves you two.”

“Yeah, but I think he was also mad that I didn’t call right away.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas sighed, remembering how much Sam was suffering.

“I-I didn’t mean that, Cas.  You apologized and I have said it’s not your fault.  Please stop beating yourself up.  I know you still do.”

“Hard not to,” Cas mumbled and dropped onto the couch.  And it was hard.  Everyone tried to convince him that he wasn’t at fault, but he couldn’t.  He needed to see Dean awake.  Had to see him moving.  Needed for him to say it wasn’t Cas’ fault.  He needed Dean’s reassurance and he was sure if he didn’t get it, Dean would beak him beyond repair.

“I’m sure Dean thinks the same.  He’ll tell you.”

“Mm-hmm.”  He wanted to be confident, but after their fight, maybe Dean would hold a grudge.

“Look, sorry, Cas.  But Dean’s waking and-”

“Go.  I’ll talk to you later. “

“Bye,” Sam rushed out before hanging up.

After Sam hung up, Cas dropped down on the couch.  He couldn’t believe this was happening.  He couldn’t be at the hospital.  It was selfish, but he didn’t want to break down each time he walked into Dean’s room.  He thought he would have work to distract him.  If he was left alone with his thoughts, that would be deadly.

Work didn’t work out.  He knew he had to talk to Dean, but it was hard.  Dean was still recovering and he didn’t want to allude to divorce when Dean was still delicate. 

It had to happen, but maybe he should wait until Dean was ready.  When will that be?  He didn’t have a good track record.  He was seeing Dean tomorrow, maybe he won’t bring up their problems just yet.

He was going to see his husband who got shot _yesterday_. 

Fuck!

_Yesterday._

He almost lost Dean yesterday and he was so stupid to think work would take his mind on Dean.  He cried all night.  Only getting two-three hours of sleep?

He was stupid.  A knot formed in his throat and tears burned in his eyes.  Fuck!  He didn’t want this life. 

He curled up on the couch and cried.

*****

It was after ten when Cas walked to the nurse’s station on Dean’s floor.  He stopped in front of a young—probably just out of school—nurse.

“Excuse me,” he said after a few seconds of the nurse still staring at her computer.

The young woman jumped violently and Cas felt bad when she let out a small gasp.

“Sorry,” he said, feeling bad for scaring the nurse.

She smiled and looked up at Cas.  “My fault.  Sorry.  How can I help?”

“Is Dean awake?”  Sam had warned him that Dean has taken to sleeping and to make sure Dean was willing to have visitors, which, he understood.  But, he was also his husband and not Charlie or Jo.

“Yes, he is.  May I have your name?”

“My name?”  Why did they need to know his name?

“I’m sorry, but Mr. Winchester has asked to not let a John Winchester in and-”

“I’m Castiel,” Cas said just as the woman said his name.  “Sorry?  What?”

“He asked for John and Castiel not to be let in,” she repeated, stopping as she realized who was standing in front of her.

“Really?” Cas asked, trying to keep his voice level.  It wasn’t her fault that his husband was a prick.

“I’m sorry.”  And to her credit, she did look sorry.  “Really.”

Cas looked down the hall then back to the woman.  He gave a tight smile and nodded.  “Thank you,” He dropped his eyes and walked to the elevators.

 _You’re such a prick,_ Cas texted as the metal doors closed.  Tears burned in his eyes.  This time they were out of anger.

He just stepped out when his phone buzzed.  He pulled his phone out of his pocket and growled under his breath as he read Dean’s reply.

_I know._

Cas’ thumb hovered over the keypad.  He considered to shoot back, but he was too pissed and tired with Dean.  He still loved Dean, but they were too broken.  If Dean wasn’t going to talk, he had to send a message.

*****

“So, you’re looking better,” Sam commented as he sat back in the visitor’s chair.  He had pulled it closer to the bed, so Dean didn’t have to strain his voice.

“If only I could feel that way,” Dean grumbled.  He’s been pissed since he found out about his injuries.

Sam took it as, as Dean needed a lesson.  He never wanted his brother’s life to be in question, but he thought Dean needed to slow down.

“Yeah.  Did you talk to Cas?”

“No.  Why would I?”

“Because he was supposed to visit today,” Sam said like it was the most obvious reason.

“Oh.  Um…” Dean trailed off.  He hasn’t told Sam that he blocked John and Cas from visiting.  “I asked the nurses to not let him or-”

“Are you fucking serious?”  Sam cut him off, bending closer to Dean.

Dean winced at the volume and tone.  He felt ashamed when he had to admit it.

“Why?  I understand Dad, but Cas?  You were trying to fix this?”

“Yeah, well things happened and it’s too late.”  He didn’t want to tell Sam about the night before the shooting.  How Cas showed that there was no hope for him and Cas.  “You wouldn’t understand.”

Sam glared and sat back.  “Really?  I made stupid decisions because you were my brother.  I also hurt Cas and I hate myself for that.  I lost Gabe because of-” Sam cut off when he realized he admitted.  He was never going to tell anyone about Gabe.  It wasn’t like he lost his boyfriend.  H was hoping that they could be more, but his behaviour came back to bit him.  Even though Cas was giving him a second chance, Gabe was someone different.

“Gabe?”

“Doesn’t matter.”  He felt his throat grow tight.  He was falling in love with Gabe and he stupidly lost it.

“You’re with a Novak?” the older Winchester sounded shocked.

“Was,” Sam corrected.  “Why does it matter? Cas is a Novak.”

“Because it’s Gabe.”

Sam rolled his eyes and let out a humourless laugh.  “Well, don’t worry.  It’s done.”

Dean frowned when he took in Sam’s face.  He lost all emotions when he mentioned Gabe.  If he didn’t know Sam, he would say his brother was going to cry.  He wanted to say something, but he wasn’t good with this emotional crap.  Probably why his marriage was dead.  Why couldn’t he leave his fathers words behind?

“So, does Dad know?”  In the time that he spent at the hospital, only Jo and Sam came.  Bobby said he would visit, but that hasn’t happened yet.

“I supposed.  I never asked.  Bobby never told me, but he must.”

“So, you haven’t talked to him at all?”

“No.  Not for awhile now.”

“Why?”  Dean raised his eyebrow, studying his brother.  “Thought you were his biggest advocate.”

“No,” Sam drawled out and laughed in a huff.  “I always said we should hear him out.  Let me finish.”  Sam raised a hand to stop Dean when he saw him open his mouth.

Dean glared, but let Sam continue.  He never liked how Sam was more forgiving of John.  If he actually knew what he said to Dean, he would probably be more reluctant to let John back in.

“I know this year has been hard and having Dad around isn’t helping.  You have a right to be mad.”

“Sam, I’m going to stop you.  I know you mean well, but what went on between me and Dad that can’t be forgiven, if he’s not willing to apologize.  Even then, probably not.”

“Then tell me, Dean.  You never told me about what he said.  I asked Cas and said he was wondering if I knew.  How can I help if you won’t talk?”

“It’s not your job.”

Sam scoffed and shook his head.  “It is, Dean.  I’m done school.  I have my own life.  I don’t need you to protect me and not expect me to do the same.  Let me.  Please.”

“I don’t need help.  What is there to fix?”

Dean was right.  What did he have left?  He didn’t have Cas.  He knew Cas was coming to talk and ask for an out.  He never had his mom to help him.  His dad loved jail more than him.  He ripped Dean apart that night and he never recovered.  He took his anger out on Cas.  And just on that thought alone, he knew he had to give Cas his out.

When he was home—Sam’s—he would call Cas.  He had nothing anymore.  He wished he hadn’t had his vest on.  He wished to gun was larger.  At least he would be with his mom.  Or would she be disappointed in him too?  He could never do anything right.  John was the start and now Dean was the one finishing it.

“Hey.  Hey,” Sam hushed, moving to take Dean’s hand and stroked his knuckles.

Dean didn’t realize that he was crying until he felt a drop roll down his cheek.  “Fuck,” he growled and pulled his hand from Sam to whip his face.

“You’re allowed to cry.  You almost died.  You’re going through a lot.”

“I don’t cry.”

“Well, maybe you should.  It’s not healthy to hold in your emotions.”

“Yes.  Thank you, nurse.”

“Dean, before you freak, hear me out.”

“You know, doing that does nothing to calm me, Sammy.”

“Just listen.  Have you thought about getting help?”

“What?  No,” Dean snapped and raised a finger.  “No.  I am not doing that.”

Sam rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.  He knew this would happen, but he also hoped that Dean _would_ consider it.

“Why not?  There’s nothing wrong with getting help.  Dean, you need it.  When mom died, Dad didn’t do anything.  You were there for me, but you had nobody.  Then Dad basically insulted you for being who you are.”

“He did a lot more than just insult me.”

“You see.  It’s all building and look at you now.  You have no fight.  Cas-”

“Cas already told me he doesn’t want me.”

“He said that?”

“Not in those words, but made it known.”

“Dean-”

“Please go.”

“I’m not leaving you like-”

“Please go or I will ask the nurses to take you out.”

“Fine.”  Sam nodded and stood up.  “You know, I’m here for you and I’m not judging.  Whatever you decide, you have my support.”  Sam pulled on his jacket and left the room.

Once he was on the ground floor he saw Gabe walk in, looking down at his phone.

“Shit,” Sam muttered and rush past Gabe, who luckily didn’t look up from his phone.  He got in the car before pulling out his phone.

“I’m sorry about Dean,” Sam rushed when the other line picked up.

“You don’t have to apologize, Sam,” Cas sighed and closed his eyes.

“No, but I feel like I have to.  To try to get Dean to talk to you.”

“You and I both know there’s no changing Dean’s mind.”

“Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.”

“As much as I appreciate you trying, I can’t ask you to keep doing this.”

“I know, but seeing Dean, I feel like I have to.”

Cas was silent for a moment before speaking again.  “How is he?”

“Physical or mental?  He’s healing, but I know he’s beating himself up.”  He wasn’t supposed to share this, but Cas was Dean’s husband, and he wasn’t sharing.

Sam could hear the deep breath Cas took and he could tell he was holding back his tears.

“Right.  Thank you, Sam.”

“I’ll try to get him to talk.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.  He can’t be like this.  Not to you and not to himself.”

“Well…” Cas trailed off and Sam was sure he hung up, but then Cas took a deep breath.  “Thank you.”

Sam smiled sadly.  This was such a fucked-up situation and Sam just wanted to fix it.  “Take care, Cas.”

“You too,” Cas said and ended the call.

*****

Cas was anxious to go back to work.  He hasn’t seen anyone but Anna and Charlie since he dropped the bomb.  He didn’t know what people would say.  Would think.  Everyone knew of them.  About how they treated each other.  How they really got along.  He should feel embarrassed that he admitted that he actually was with Dean.  He should of, but he wasn’t.  He was nervous.

After Dean blocked him, he had an urge to go back to work, but Crowley threatened to fire him if he showed up before he was cleared to go back.

Charlie and Kevin tried calling, but he couldn’t deal with work.  He didn’t need people butting in.  Even though he wanted to go back, he didn’t want reminders of why he couldn’t.

His phone buzzed on the counter spot by him.  He was _trying_ to make dinner.  He didn’t have the energy to cook in the past days and ended up with a bare fridge.  Well, he had things, but nothing that could be done in ten minutes.

“Fuck,” he growled and slapped his hand on the hard surface.  He’ll just have cereal. 

He grabbed his phone and nearly dropped it.  He had to read the message three times to make sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks.

_You wanted to talk?_

Cas was breathing deeply.  It’s been five days since Cas was kicked out of the hospital.  He hadn’t heard from at all.  Sam kept him updated.  And even said he was working on Dean.  Cas always said it was up to Dean.  And it was.

It took several minutes for him to think of a good reply.  He gave up and just texted _I do._

Dean didn’t write back right away.  Cas was just pulling a handful of Cheerios when his phone buzzed.  Really, why did they have these?  It had to be for awhile.  They tasted stale, but Cas was too hungry to care and too anxious to read Dean’s message.

He grabbed his phone, still standing in the kitchen.

_Do you think that’s a good idea?_

Cas growled and put his box down before typing out his message.

_Stop asking questions and give your damn opinion._

Cas was onto an apple when Dean replied.  Cas rolled his eyes as he read Dean’s text, but felt his heart stop as he took in Dean’s words.

_What is there to talk about?  I’m being serious.  I’ve been trying, but I feel like you’ve already made your decision._

Cas’ thumb hovered over his keypad.  He pocketed his phone and left the kitchen.  He didn’t have an answer that would make Dean happy.  He couldn’t answer.  Not now at least.

His phone buzzed again, but it was Sam.  Cas wanted to cry.  Even though Sam’s text was unrelated to Dean’s.  It was just a crazy coincidence, it was like Sam knew he was avoiding his brother’s message.

Cas shook his head and dropped back, groaning.  Can’t anything go right?  Just once?

He placed his on the counter and left the kitchen.  It was too early for bed and he still had another day before he could go back to work.  Crowley offered (offer being a loose term) to let Cas stay off longer.  He thought it was because of what Cas had spilled, but the staff sergeant was never generous.  He just didn’t want Cas’ judgment to be fucked.  Yeah, right.

He did feel an itch to text Dean back, but what could he say?  Dean said what he wanted to see—hear?  But, why didn’t like his chest was caving in.

This past week was Hell.  The past few years were shit, but this was Hell.  He wanted to let Dean go, but not like this.  Not where he almost lost him.

Life didn’t make sense.

*****

Cas guessed Crowley was… Kind.  Maybe?  He was starting back on days, which was the best shift.  No fucked up sleeping schedules.

He hasn’t talked to Dean since that night.  He still left the message unanswered.  He did text Sam and Sam updated him.  He never asked if he talked Dean, which made Cas wonder if Dean never told him.

He walked into the room, feeling his heartbeat pick up.  He felt everyone’s eyes on him.  He hasn’t been around everyone since the day of the shooting and now here he was.  In reality, no one was looking.  They were all busy before Crowley called their attention.

“Cas,” Charlie called and waved for Cas to come over.

He smiled tightly but shook his head.  He went to the back ledge and slouched against it.  He knew Charlie, Kevin, Anna, Garth, hell, everyone would have questions and right now he just wanted to get his assignment and then answer questions.

It was like Crowley didn’t trust him or something.  He was on Desk, which was not going to be fun.  He didn’t want to be around so many people.  Have them whisper about him when he was there with them.  And to his luck, Charlie and Chuck were on Desk.  They weren’t going to be quiet.

“Okay, just say it,” Cas sighed as he sat down and signed in.

“We were-”

“Charlie, you were.  You were just going to wait.  You have questions and I want to get this over with.”

“But, really, Cas, if you’re not-”

“I’m not ready.  Don’t think I want to do this now.  I have to.”

“I didn’t think you-”

“I know.  Sorry,” he tried to smile at Kevin, but it felt too forced.  “Just…” Cas gestured with a hand and fell back in this chair.

“So, you are married?”

“I think that was established at the hospital, Charlie.  But, yes.”

Kevin and Charlie exchanged looks, but Cas had his eyes closed.  Charlie wanted to say something to comfort Cas, but all of it sounded cliché.

“Does everyone else know?” Cas asked, now rocking in his chair.  He had no ties to work until now and he was curious how far their news traveled.

“Don’t know.  Probably.  Maybe not all, but we didn’t tell.  Chuck may have said something to Victor.  I don’t know.”

“People just know.”

Cas turned his head to look around the room.  “Good news always finds a way to come out and travel.”  How they kept it a secret for so long is still a miracle.

“How are you feeling?” Charlie asked, watching Cas look to the side at nothing in particular.

Cas turned and shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I feel like shit for being here.”  He didn’t say anything about Dean not wanting him there.  What went on in their marriage was none of their business.

Charlie nodded like she understood, which, does she really?  As much their marriage was nearing the end, watching Dean get shot was something he never wanted to see.

Cas stared at Kevin and groaned and dropped his head back.  “Just ask, Kevin.  I know everyone else is wondering.”

“You do-”

“Yes.  I do.  Just get it over with.”

Cas had his eyes closed, so he didn’t see the hesitation in Kevin’s eyes.

“Go on, Kevin.”

“How long?  You being together.”

“Almost nine years,” Cas answered without missing a beat or opening his eyes.

Charlie’s choked, coughing harshly, causing Cas to smirk.  Yeah, he was really surprising them.  He knew people wanted them together.  Or to fuck, as he heard Anna saying to Garth when he came through booking after Dean.  They weren’t _that_ quiet. 

“You mean-”

“Yep.  Since the beginning.”

They wanted to say something, but what?  Charlie honestly didn’t know when they would have gotten married.  Yet, nine years sounded right.  They didn’t show any signs of their relationship changing.  Now they… Hated each other?

“So, when I started, I was rooting for a-”

Cas let out a dry chuckle and finally opened his eyes.  “As I said.”  He almost said that they witnessed the beginning and end of them.

He wanted to feel embarrassed about confessing all of this, but he couldn’t.  Nine years of him wanting to come out.  He didn’t want it this way, but he was happy it was no longer a secret. 

“Wow.”  Kevin laughed and shook his head.  “You two know how to act.”

Charlie grinned, but it was strained.  She still had questions.  What happened to them?  She didn’t want to pry and even if she did want to, she was sure Cas didn’t even know.  He wouldn’t be here if he did.  Or maybe he wanted to.

Cas glanced at Charlie and raised his eyebrows as if he knew what the woman was thinking.  He gave her a challenging smirk.  As much as he liked his friends’ surprise, it amused him, but it also made him realize how big the lie was.

“Anything else?”  He knew there was more.  There had to be, but he couldn’t deal with it.  He needed Dean here.  Dean always knew what to say.  And when he returned, he would be attacked with questions about the shooting, but also about Cas.  Maybe he should warn him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will explore Dean's mind and, he and Cas talk.
> 
> Until next weekend.


	34. Chapter Thirty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I know I said this was the chapter where Dean and Cas talk, but I had to split this chapter. It was teetering on 10 000 words and I don't like when chapters are that long because it gets a little cluttered. So next chapter will have their talk. And since I cut it, I will update on Wednesday and then do my usual update. So I'm updating twice this week.

“You’re off the case.”

“Are you serious?” Cas snapped and stood up.

“Yes.  And you reacting like this is proof on why?”

“That’s insane.”  Cas usually never argued with Crowley’s orders, but this was unrealistic.  He needed to be one this case.  He had to do everything to save Dean.  “I’m not the detective.”

“You’re not, but I don’t want you going on a hunch.  I know Dean did and you are not doing that.  Amelia has examined you and she suggested that you try to stay away.

Cas groaned and scoffed.  “And yet I’m the one that knows-”

“This is final.  Do you really think I would let you continue after-?”

“After what I confessed?”  He never interrupted Crowley.  He didn’t have a death wish, but he wasn’t in the right state.  Which, if Cas was thinking coherently, he would see why the man wanted him off.

“No,” Crowley snapped, still sitting, but not taking his eyes off the officer in front of him.  “What you said is irrelevant.  You’re off because you were a witness.  What you told Amelia, you are not fit to handle this.”

Cas growled.  He knew what he told the counsellor, what he felt would bite him.  Of course, he wasn’t fine, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do his job.  Right?

“You knew Amelia was going to examine you and share what you told her.  It’s for your own safety, Novak.”

No.  He didn’t.

“Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be out there.” 

As soon as Cas started back, he was sent to Amelia and had spent the last two days talking about his feelings, and what he was going through.  Nothing.  That was the answer.  He didn’t like sharing things with a stranger.  Even if they specialized in helping him.

He thought he had escaped the standard counselling session.  They hadn’t contacted him when he had been off.  When he went back, he had gone on his shift like normal.  He had lasted three hours before Crowley found him. He almost put up a fight, but Crowley saved him that day from answering questions.  He went to Amelia willingly but soon regretted it.

“Yes, it does.  And if you are going to argue  _again_ , do I have to suspend you?”

Cas actually considered it for a moment.  He’s never been suspended, but the idea was tempting if it meant he could let Crowley have it.  Even when Dean wasn’t around, he was still making his job hard.  He held back.  He had a clean record and wanted to keep it that way.

“No, sir.”

“Right,” the man nodded and waved his hand.  “Now go back to work.

Cas suppressed an eye roll as he walked to the locker room.  Why did Dean have to do this to him?    Why was this happening to  _him?_

Guilt curled in him as he walked a length of the room.  It wasn’t Dean’s fault.  He was the one that almost died.  He didn’t ask for this. 

He wanted to talk to Dean. They really needed to figure out what to do.  Before Dean’s return, he was inching towards divorce.  He still was, but he felt guilty when he thought of how hard Dean was trying.  It just wasn’t working.

He texted Dean a few times, but he never got a reply.  What was he expecting?  He didn’t answer Dean’s last text and still hasn’t.  He started a new subject.

He really wanted to talk to Dean.  They left so much unanswered and now Dean was silent.  Maybe he wanted the silence.  He didn’t want to start another fight.  Or maybe the silence was his answer.

*****

Dean was napping on the couch when Sam walked through the door.  It’s been over two weeks since the shooting and Dean has taken to living on Sam’s couch.  Well, bed.  Sam threw a fit when Dean claimed the couch the first night.   Now he was on the bed and Sam took the couch.  Which, must not be nice, since Sam was curled up each night.

“Hey,” Sam smiled as he dropped his keys on the counter.  “How are you.”

Dean groaned and slowly sat up.  His abdomen still pulled when he moved.  “What time is it?”

“Five,” Sam replied and walked over with a glass of water and his pain medication. “Here.”

Dean grabbed the pills and the glass.  “Right.”  He didn’t sleep  _that_ long. 

Sam waited for Dean to hand the glass back before responding.  “It is.”  Sam moved to the window and pulled the curtains back. 

Dean groaned and dropped back, hissing at the pull of his stitches.  He slept for five hours.  So much for a nap.  But no matter how much he slept, he was always tired.

“Great.  Fucking great.”

Sam hummed and looked at his mail.  “You’re still healing, Dean.  You need sleep.”

“Sleeping twelve hours a day is not living.  It’s not healing.”

Sam rolled his eyes and moved back to living room.  “It is, Dean.  If you are tired, you need to sleep.”

“It’s all I do.”

“And it’s what you are supposed to do.  The doctor said-”

“Fuck the doctor.”

Sam frowned.  He knew his brother was angry.  He hated to be unable to do anything without help.  He still couldn’t walk without pulling at his wounds.

Dean’s phone buzzed on the floor, where it fell hours ago, but he was too sore to bend down.

“Here.”  Sam reached for the phone and handed it to Dean.

“Thanks.  Just Jo,” he announced like he owed it to Sam.  He also needed to say it out loud.  He needed to know it wasn’t Cas.  Every time his phone went off, it was Cas and it was so hard for him not to answer.  He knew what Cas wanted to say and he wasn’t ready.  He was never ready.  But he needed to do it soon.

“Have you talked to Cas?”

“No.  And I don’t want to hear it, Sammy.  From his lack of response last week, I think it’s pretty clear.”

“And you know that because…?”

“I don’t, but from how we left things, it’s kind of obvious.”

Sam wanted to shake Dean for being stupid.  Every time he talked to Cas, he always asked about Dean.  Sam wanted to punch Dean.  This was so fucked up. 

Dean wasn’t giving himself hope and by Cas’ he didn’t hint that there was any either, but he couldn’t tell Dean that.  He couldn’t upset his healing.

“You owe it to him.”

“And for what?  To just be told I wasted my time?”   And he did.  That night Cas made it clear they were done.  All hope was dashed when he was rejected.  And it wasn’t just about sex.  Cas was iffy that week.  Why fight a lost battle?

He knew he owed it to Cas.  Cas didn’t want him to fight, and so he wouldn’t.

Sam stayed silent.  He wanted to help his brother, but what was there to help with?  Dean wasn’t giving him anything to work with.

“If you have no hope, which is sad, at least talk to Cas.  Get closure,”

Dean scoffed and shook his head.  “When you are married, you’ll understand.”

“No.  I won’t,” Sam whispered.

*****

It’s been three weeks since Cas was “taken off” the case.  Which, how was that possible?  Maybe if they ever got Marv, he wasn’t allowed to talk to him.  He was just pissed that since Dean’s shooting there hasn’t been anything on Marv.  Nothing.

Aside from Marv, he was wondering when Dean would be back.  Sam had informed him that Dean was still healing and won’t be cleared until the Dr.’s.  Sam had already shared that Dean wasn’t sleeping well.  It made his heart break when he heard how tough Dean’s recovery was.  He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he wanted to be there for Dean.

It was hard.  They ended on bad terms and he didn’t know if they could set that aside until Dean was better.  But, Dean was acting like nothing happen.  He was still ignoring him and Sam was pissed.  He apologized on every call, which made Cas’ heart clenched.  Cas was still beating himself up for the shooting and Sam was blaming himself for not getting Dean to talk.  Dean had a way to break people.

“He’s sleeping right now,” Sam whispered through the phone.  

Cas heard a quiet click and frowned.  He shouldn’t be concerned, but almost every time he called Sam, Dean was sleeping.  Dean had only gone out once with Sam, but they only got halfway down the road before they had to turn back.

He was better now.  He only slept one or two hours in the afternoon.  Cas knew Dean was anxious to get back to work.  He liked being busy and not dependent.  Not that he was.  Sam was just really around now to make sure Dean was fine.

“That’s good. He still wants to come back?”

Sam chuckled quietly and shuffled to the couch.  He wanted to make sure that Dean was asleep before.  “Every day.  He really does.  He’s only napping ever so often.  I also think it’s also because he stays up until one or two.  If he slept properly-”

“He wouldn’t be so tired,” Cas finished and opened the door to his apartment.  He placed the mail on the sideboard and then kicked his shoes off.

“Right.  I convinced him to go out for lunch.”

“And he agreed?”

“Only when I pointed out that he needed this to heal.”

“Should tell him that for everything.”

“I should,” Sam laughed.  “So how is work?”  He never asked Cas how he was doing.  Not after last week Cas broke down and asked Sam to not ask again.

“Uneventful.  They all want Dean back.  And they ask me.”

Sam paused for a moment, not sure how to respond.  “They don’t-”

“Haven’t said anything after.  They all think he’s home.  You’re helping me.”

“Cas, do you know why Dean is still here?”  Sam knew it was a question that Cas may not know, but he didn’t know.

Cas paused for a moment and swallowed.  He had a feeling why Dean was with Sam, but he didn’t want to admit it to Sam.  It was shameful.

“I don’t know.  Maybe you can get Dean to answer.”

Sam laughed softly and nodded.  “Yeah.  You know how well that goes.”  He knew Cas was lying.  He could hear it in his voice and he took too long to answer.  Whatever it was, Cas and Dean both knew.

Cas smiled.  He was happy to hear that Dean was fine, but it hurt to not hear his voice.  To not have him home.  But, he knew they needed time and if Dean needed to heal, he had to be with Sam.  It hurt, but it was true.  They couldn’t do anything right now.

Sam hesitated for a while before taking a deep breath.  “How is… Gabriel?”

Cas bit his lip and felt his breath stutter.  “Um?”  How does he answer?  Sam asked how Gabriel was one time after the breakup, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Sam that Gabriel didn’t act like anything was different.  He knew Sam loved his brother.  Every time he was around them, he saw.

It broke his heart when he heard Gabe ended it for  _him._ He never wanted that.  Gabe was supposed to be happy.  With Sam.  He let Gabe have it, but Gabe was too proud to admit he was wrong.  He was, in Cas’ opinion.  Sam didn’t do anything wrong.  He just got caught up.

He knew Gabe took it a little hard when Sam told him he didn’t need him.  But, what did he think?  He broke up with Sam and said he couldn’t be there for him when he had to be there for Cas.  Idiot.  Now he was paying.  He also knew Sam was cut up too.  He had nobody.   Cas had Gabe, but Sam was there for Dean.  He was alone.

He didn’t want to tell Sam that Gabe was admitting he made a mistake.  Gabe had to tell him that.  If he ever would.

“He’s fine.  I-”

“Actually,” Sam choked out, cutting Cas off.  “I’m sorry.  I really don’t want to hear.  Sorry,” he muttered the last word.  He really didn’t want to hear that Gabriel was fine.  Even if he wasn’t; Gabriel never let on if he was pissed.  Well, when they broke up he did.

He didn’t want to hear that Gabriel was  _fine_ when he just wanted to cry.  He lost Gabriel and he almost lost Dean.  He wasn’t having a good year.  And he figured this was his punishment for realizing too late that Dean was hurting Cas.

But, Dean was in pain too.  He still didn’t know what led Dean to close in on himself.  What did their dad do?  Say?  Whatever it was, Dean needed therapy. 

“I’m sorry, Sam.”  And he was.  He wasn’t sure what but wanted Sam to be happy.  If Dean was beyond healing, he didn’t want Sam to get dragged into this.  But, he was a little.  He knew John left a mark on each of them.  More so with Dean, but both Winchester brothers were broken.

“It’s fine.”  It’s not, but what can he do?  “How are you really doing?  And I know you’re lying.”

Cas sighed.  Really everyone knew when he was lying.  Which, was still a miracle that no one found out about them.

“Not great.  Dean’s not helping.”

Sam frowned and looked at the closed door.  “I know.  I’m trying.  He needs to talk.  Hell, he needs to do a lot of things.”

Cas let out a forced laugh and closed his eyes.  It was always painful to talk or hear about Dean.  He needed to, but it didn’t mean he wanted to.

Sam wanted to say something—anything.  But what?  He wanted to tell Cas that he got Dean to consider therapy, but he knew his brother never like sharing things like that.  Also, would therapy work?  Dean needed it, but was it too late?  Was it worth it?

Yes, it was.  Whether it would work for Cas, if it didn’t, he needed help to get past John.  Leave what John left behind.  He needed to do it for himself.

“If Dean doesn’t want to, let him be.”  It hurt, but it was true.

In Sam’s room, Dean was staring at his phone.  Bobby has been on his ass to call his dad, but Sam let John know and he really didn’t need to give an update.

He just wanted to be normal.  Not have a shitty father.  Have a normal life—marriage. He knew he needed help.  He needed it after John had spit in his face.  He just didn’t like the idea of sharing his problems with a stranger.

So, he did it the Winchester way and let it build until the damage was too prominent to ignore.

He wanted to call Cas, but he didn’t owe it to him until he sorted out his own shit. But, he couldn’t do that until he bit the bullet and got help.  If that would ever happen.  Cas didn’t deserve to be dragged down any further than where he is now.  

He would take another bullet than go get help.  Which, Sam would kill him himself if he knew that. Maybe he was being extreme, but he never wanted to admit he was fucked up and have a person his paid to judge him.

Sam was right, they only had each other.  Years later, Sam was still right.  He had Cas, but he also didn’t.  If he couldn’t confide in Cas, what was wrong with him?   If he couldn’t let Cas in, how sick was he?

He needed help.  He needed to talk to someone that didn’t know.  He made an appointment, but he didn’t even let Sam know.  His brother was on him to get help, but he was not about to tell Sam that he was going to see someone.  He didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t work out.  He didn’t want to face the humiliation. 

He was going when Sam was at work and would be back before Sam.  He didn’t want anyone to know he was gone.  He wanted to try this, then maybe, he would tell Dean.  Bobby was completely out of the question.  He would pry and ask too many questions.

But the hardest part of all of this was going there.

*****

Cas was just walking out of the break room when he saw Benny walk towards him.  He felt his blood run cold.  He always had a thing against the man.  At first, Cas thought Dean was into Benny.  He later found out it was about undercover.  Then it never happened and Cas thought it wouldn’t ever.  He was wrong.

Benny took Dean away at a time that was delicate.  He was sure that he was trying ruin Dean and Cas’ marriage.  Or make sure it never repaired.  It was stupid, but it was easier to think Benny had something to do with it.  It was easier to swallow that it wasn’t all Dean’s fault.

Benny was always trying to take Dean away from him.  Fuck being Dean’s choice.  It was Benny who always gave the offers.

“Cas,” Benny called, forcing Cas to stop and turn around.

He nodded, still not smiling.  He barely suppressed a groan, not that Benny didn’t deserve it.

“Benny.  What can I do for you?”  He didn’t want Benny here, so when he found him, it always meant something.

Benny grimaced, seeing Cas hesitation.  “Nothing.  I just wanted to see if you are… Okay.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes but held himself.  Ever since Dean’s shooting, everyone was asking how he was.   _Shit!_ That’s how he felt.  It wasn’t just watching Dean almost die, it was watching his  _husband_ almost die.  He wouldn’t be all right for a long time.  It was redundant asking.

He wanted to laugh.  Cry.  Scream.  Anything that didn’t involve making polite conversation with Benny. 

Benny never talked to him, unless Dean was there.  Why now?  Ever since Dean’s injury, people, who he didn’t really talk to came up.  They meant well, but Cas wanted nothing to do with them.  Their presences were a reminder of why they were there.

“Well, what do you think?” Cas bit out, feeling guilty as he realized what he just said.  But, he couldn’t find a reason to regret it.  This was the first time he talked to Benny alone since… Actually, he didn’t know.  And he didn’t care. Benny asking  _him_ how he was doing was insulting.  He still blamed Benny along with John for making Dean like this.  Well, more John, but it was easy to add Benny.

As much as Dean hurt him and ruined their marriage, he couldn’t get past what John said.  He knew Dean changed, but it wasn’t until a year later that he realized why Dean was like this, and he stupidly let Dean act like that.  He should have pushed for help.  He shouldn’t have just let the demons in Dean build.

“Sorry.”  He didn’t want to apologize, but his morals got the best of him.

“’S fine.  You’re not.  ‘S stupid question.   How’s Dean?”

And there it was.  Though people asked him about how he was doing, they were just waiting for the chance to ask about Dean.  He knew everyone knew about their marriage, and he knew because people were asking  _him_ and not Crowley.

He was always waiting for people to acknowledge that they were married and that’s why they were asking.  Only the few he personally worked with has acknowledged the secret and it wasn’t fun.  He always wanted to be out and now, it had to be a fucked-up way to announce that, yes, but it happened.  The duo was actually married.

“Why would I know?”  He raised his eyebrow in challenge.  He wanted to hear Benny admit it.  Maybe it was childish, but he always hated Benny.

“Well, I-” he cut off and Cas wanted to laugh at how unsure Benny sounded. It was like he was scared.

“Because we’re married.  Go ahead.  That’s why everyone else asked.”  He knew he was being a dick, but Dean’s injury, silence and Gabe breaking it off with Sam, he was done with everything.   

The past year was Hell.  He actually rather lived the last year over again than living through all of this shit.  He would still have Dean—healthy.  He would have Gabe.  Still an ass, but not a moping ass.  Why did everyone drop their shit on him?  He had enough with Dean’s shooting alone.

Benny opened his mouth, but Krissy cut him off.

“What is it, Krissy?”  He could kiss the girl for saving him.

“There’s a man at the front asking for you.”

Cas chanced a glanced at Benny before turning to the woman.  “Thanks,”

Krissy looked to Benny and then to Cas.  She raised her eyebrows, but Cas just shook his head and walked to the front.

“Hi, Victor.  Someone wanted to…” he trailed off when he laid his eyes on the man standing by the desk.

The man bit his lip and shrugged his shoulders like he was answering a question.

“Why is he here, Victor?”  He was itching for his cuffs but forgot he wasn’t wearing his belt.

“I tried to get Tessa, but he asked for you.”

“You know I can’t.”

“I know, but he doesn’t care.”

Cas sighed and did all he could to not drop his head.  Why couldn’t he ever get a break?

Clearly, the universe hated him.

 “What can I do for you, Mr. Harrison?”

The man smiled and took a step closer, but Cas held up his hand.

“What do you want?”  He really wished he had his cuffs.  He could arrest Ezekiel… Well, he couldn’t.  He was right there, but they didn’t have proof.

“I want to speak to you.”

“I can’t.”

“Please.  I want… I need to.”

Cas looked at Victor who just shrugged.  Big help.

“All right.  Come on.”  Cas grabbed Ezekiel.  He didn’t want to be apart from the man unarmed.

Ezekiel walked with Cas to an interrogation room.  Cas let him take a seat before going to Crowley’s

“I’m busy, Novak.  Or is it Winchester?”

Cas rolled his eyes but ignored the comment.  “Ezekiel Harrison is here.”

That got his attention. “Really?  He turned himself in?”

“I don’t know.  He only wants to talk with me.”

Crowley hummed and sat back in his chair.  “Interesting.”

“Tessa’s supposed to-”

“Talk to him.”

“What?  You said I-”

Crowley held up a hand, cutting Cas off.  “I know what I said, but if it gets him to talk, do it, but have Tessa in the observation room.”

“Yes, sir.”

He found Tessa at her desk and was easy to get her in the room.

“Are you ready?” Ezekiel challenged and Cas rolled his eyes.

“What can I do for you.  You have a reason for being here.”  Cas sat in the chair, glancing at the mirror, pretending he can see Tessa through the glass on the other side.

“I think you know why I am here.”

“No.  I really don’t.”  He had a feeling, but this was too good to be true.

“I want I deal.”

“I can’t do that do that until I know what you are offering.”

“How about Marv’s location?”

“And why should I believe you?”

“Let’s just say I’m tired of being Marv’s sidekick.”

“Can’t imagine you had that big of a change.”

“Believe it or not, officer, but I didn’t agree with his hit on Dean.”

“Just the others.”

“I’m not confessing anything without a deal.”

Cas looked to the side and sighed.  “I’ll be back.”

He waited for buzz and opened the door.  He went into the other room and watched Tessa still staring at Ezekiel.

“So, what?”

“This would be better if I could talk to him.”

“Tell me what to do.  I really don’t want to do this.”  This was why he never went into Detective.  Dean would be better at this.  He had to call Sam later about this.  Technically, he wasn’t supposed to share, but he wanted to let Dean know.

“Well, I feel like he will ask for immunity.”

“Is that an option?”  Cas glanced to the room, watching Ezekiel run his finger over the table.

“It is, but I don’t know if I want to.  We could charge him for a lesser sentence.”

“It’s all you, Tessa.  I’m just here.”

“I feel like he won’t give us anything if he will get charged.”

“So?”

“If he’ll go against Marv, try a lesser sentence, if not go for immunity.  As much as this pains me.”

“Okay,” Cas smiled sadly.

He walked back into the room and sat down.  “We are willing to make a deal if you will go against Marv.”

Ezekiel looked like he was considering it.  “What deal?   If it’s not good, I could just walk out.”

“You could, but when we catch you, you will have nothing.”

“Fine.  But I want immunity if I am going to give you Marv and go against him.”

Cas glanced to the side, wishing Tessa was here. He really wasn’t fit for this.


	35. Chapter Thirty-Five

After Ezekiel’s confession, Cas felt like he needed to try to talk to Dean.  He needed to try one last time.  They needed to get on the same page.  They had tried for so long that was it even worth it?  If this was the end of them, at least have them agree on it.

He sat on the idea for two days.  They had to have a serious talk, but he knew it would take up a lot of Dean’s energy.  He got exhausted just thinking about what they had to do.  He didn’t want to push Dean too much, but he couldn’t wait for several weeks and Dean probably wanted this done.

He texted Dean that night and had to read the reply five times to believe it was Dean texting.  He agreed and Cas suddenly felt his stomach turn into knots.  He wanted this. But wanting and getting are two very different things.  He was going to Sam’s tomorrow and may be leaving his place happy or broken.

Dean had suggested coming over, but Cas stomped on that idea.  He wanted to be at Sam’s in case it became too tough and he could leave.  Maybe that made him a coward but was allowed.  After what he has gone through.

The next day Cas knocked on Sam’s door before letting himself in.  Dean was in the kitchen space, taking some kind of pill.  He turned around and jumped when he saw Cas.  He coughed and gasped out a strained ‘Cas’.

“Sorry,” Cas grimaced, feeling bad for scaring Dean.  He wanted to walk around the island and touch Dean, but it’s been weeks since he saw and touched Dean.  It wouldn’t be right.

“H-h-how did you get in?”  Dean was still holding his chest and trying to breathe properly.

“Sam was outside.  Waiting for me.  I don’t think he trusted you to let me in if I called you.”

Dean made a face and it pulled at Cas’ heart.  He honestly believed Dean would have let him in this time.

“Not very nice of him, I say,” Cas chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood, but Dean shook his head.

“He had a right to.”

“Maybe.”  He still believed in Dean.  Dean didn’t hesitate in texting back and he agreed to this.

“We-we should probably sit.”   Dean shifted awkwardly, feeling the need to sit down.  He couldn’t stand up for long on a good day.  With Cas and the inevitable looming, it was too much.

Cas nodded and sat on the right side of the couch.  He kind of wished Sam had an armchair as well, but his was just big enough to house Dean.

“How are you?”  He knew what Sam told him, but he wanted to hear it from the man himself.

“Honestly?’  Dean took a deep breath.  It was hard lying to Sam.  He knew Sam would be there if Dean said what he really felt, but Sam was doing more for him than ever.  He didn’t need to add.  He wanted to brush Cas off, but that’s how they got here: lying.

Cas waited.  He could practically see the fight Dean was having with himself.  Dean sighed, causing the younger man to jump.  He didn’t think Dean was still with him.

“Honestly,” he said again, “I’m not good.  I’m fine, but-” he cut off and shrugged.  “I really don’t know how to feel.”

“That’s understandable.  I mean, you-”

“No.  It’s not, Cas.  We were talking and I cut you out.”

Cas hummed and rocked his head side-to-side a couple of times.  It did hurt, but he understood.  He didn’t like it, but if they had had the conversation he wanted the day after the shooting, Dean would have been too medicated.  He was stupid in that part.

“I understand, Dean.  I mean, that was a fucked-up thing to do and it hurt, but as I said: I understand.”

“I don’t want you to let me off.”

“I’m not.  But you had a reason.  Not one I like, but you were coping in your own way.  I’m not saying I forgive you—we haven’t even touched on that the last time we talked—but I should have been there for you.”

“That’s sweet, Cas, but we both know that where we left it, I wouldn’t have let you in.”

Cas had to agree on that.  When Dean had pushed Cas away, he was sad and hurt, but it was because Cas wouldn’t talk to him.  In a way, Dean’s shooting was both of their faults.  They were distracted with themselves and with their job, they couldn’t.  He knew Dean would take all the blame.

“So, what is there to talk about?”

“Everything,” Dean laughed but sounded forced.  “Really, though.”

“I know.  Dean, I really don’t know what we can do.  I know you changed after you saw your father and I didn’t ask because I wanted you to tell on your time, but it never came.  And why now?”

Dean was silent for a moment.  Trying to think how to start this.  It would be hard and if it was too late for them, at least Cas would know the truth.  That’s all he needed.

“What I’m about to say—just please let me finish before you decide.”

Cas just nodded and shifted to face Dean.

Dean nodded and took a deep breath.  “I know this might sound stupid and it probably is, but in my mind, it wasn’t.”  He felt his heart rate pick up and he could do nothing to slow it down.  “When I went undercover, being away from you felt weird.  Like I lost you.  Really, we haven’t been away from each other for more than two days at a time, expect when we both started working and it scared me to realize how co-dependent we were.  For the first two weeks, I really didn’t have my head in the task and it almost went wrong.”

Cas bit his lip at hearing how co-dependent they apparently were.  Back at the Academy, the separation was hard.  Then they were never away from each other and they did form an unnatural bond.  He also didn’t realize that Dean was distracted when he left.  He thought Dean was lying, but why would he lie?  Maybe to win Cas’ favour?  No.  He had to trust Dean.

“I realized I missed you. And I know it’s too late, but I need to tell you this.”  It was too late.  Well, for Cas.  He fucked up too much for Cas to build them up again.  If this was the end, he needed to do it right.

Cas worried his lip as he listened.  He wanted to jump in and say they weren’t too late, but he didn’t believe it himself.  If Dean felt it, maybe that’s what he’s been giving Dean.

“You know this all started because I couldn’t leave my dad’s words behind.  You just took it and I can’t thank you enough for not pushing me.  But I also can’t apologize enough for taking advantage of your support.  We were a team and I let you down.”

Every word became harder for Cas to stay silent.  He wanted to interject, but what would he say?

“If I’m going to be honest, I should tell you why I’m like this.  Not that there is any excuse.  I’m grown.  I shouldn’t have let my dad drag me down.”

Cas felt his heart drop.  He didn’t know the story of John and Dean.  Sam had said that growing up, John wasn’t supportive and then that day happened, but Sam couldn’t even say anything.  He didn’t grow up in an ideal home, but his brothers were supportive.  Didn’t care.  Just let each to themselves.  Dean, he felt like he had to prove himself to John and he never could.

Cas wanted to forgive.  It wasn’t entirely Dean’s fault, but he never got help.  As much as Cas and Sam pushed, he pushed harder.  He could forgive Dean, but when they worked up to a good place.

“My dad wasn’t nice.  You know that.  But growing up, I was basically the spare.  Sam had the brains, but I apparently had nothing.  Just wasted space.  My job was to basically raise Sam.  Make sure he got through school and got to college.  It was easier having Bobby, but I always felt like I had to be there for Sam.”

This was something Cas always wanted to hear, but after hearing it, just the start, he hated John more.

“Bobby actually pushed me to do better in school.  I just wanted to get by, but he wouldn’t have it.  I’m glad. I don’t think I would have this job without his help.”  He wanted to say this life, but he hated this life.  This wasn’t something Bobby could help.  He tried, but he couldn’t undo the damage John set.

“It was also you,” Cas said, feeling the need to try to raise Dean up.

Dean chuckled, but it sounded hollow.  “Thanks.  But Sam was always the one to succeed.  You were also in there.”

Cas frowned.  Did Dean really think this lowly of him?  He knew Dean always brushed off compliments but hearing how far the issues went, it was sad.

“Anyway.  I think you can—correct me if I’m wrong—say that the last few years were the worst. And it was my fault.  I let my dad get to me, and he knew what to say.”  He wanted to share it all, but he was afraid.  If he told the truth, Cas would surely think he was stupid.  But he had to.  Didn’t he?  This was the end. 

Cas’ hand itched to hold Dean’s, but this was Dean sharing and letting it all out.

“Please don’t laugh when I tell you what I’m about to say.  Trust me, you will.”

Cas wanted to laugh, thinking Dean thought he would laugh at him.  It was what Dean thought and it wasn’t funny to him.

Dean was silent for a while, just staring at Cas.  The younger man was about to speak until he realized Dean was looking for his agreement.

“I promise.” 

Dean nodded and then shifted in his seat.  “When I went to see my dad that day, Sam was supposed to go, but he had a test the next day.  Sometimes I think if Sam was there, John wouldn’t have said those things.  I’m not blaming Sam or my dad.  This was all on me.  I shouldn’t have let myself get like this. I know what my dad is like.”

Dean took a deep breath.  This was the hard part.  The part where Cas would be glad they were done.  He turned into his dad that day and he will regret it for the rest of his life.  He destroyed his life.

“Nothing happened. My dad wouldn’t talk.  He was always mad that I’m a cop.  Never could do anything to make him proud.  Hell, just make him happy.  When I would go, he always went on about Sam.  Not that I can blame him.  I’m so proud of Sam, too.”

Dean didn’t want to do this.  He didn’t want to show Cas how much of a coward he was for letting all this shit build up.  All the irrelevant shit.  That’s why he was sure Cas would laugh.  Laugh that he dragged them down for the most pointless reasons.

“When Mom was gone, Dad didn’t really step up, so I took it as my job. To take care of Sam.  Before Mom died, she used to say Sam and I would be a team and since it was just us in the end, I made sure we stayed like that.  Dad was around, but Mom’s death was hard on him.”

He really wanted to balm John for all of this build up.  From the start, Dean was basically there for Sam, but no one was there for him.  It was his fault for being weak and taking John’s words to heart.

“When Dad was drunk-” which was like every day “-he would say Mom was disappointed.  With me.  He didn’t really say it, but I could tell.  He always said it when I was around.   Things got better when we went with Bobby.  Not that it was great, but John wasn’t around.  That’s when Bobby realized I wasn’t into school.”

Dean chuckled at the memory of him putting up a fight when Bobby saw the results of his test.  It was after Bobby said he would be no help to Sam if he fucked up school.  If not for Dean, do it for Sam.  He had to admit, that’s what helped, but he then wanted to try for himself.  And he would say he’s successful.

He never told Cas that.  Cas knew he didn’t care about school as long as Sam got into university, when he met Cas, it was after Bobby threw him through the wringer.  It wasn’t relevant.  And still isn’t.

“When you kissed me and I pushed you, I was scared.  I’m still Sorry that I did that.  I wasn’t out.  I felt things towards boys.  What really scared me was that I felt nothing for Lisa and yet when you kissed me, I liked it and that terrified me.”

Cas was silent.  He really wanted to say something.  Anything.  He wanted to hug Dean, but he promised.  He never knew Dean struggled this much when he came out and it was hard to hear.

“You were actually the first one I talked to you and then Sam.  He gave me a hug.  Dean had a small smile on his face.  “Then Booby.  I was putting off telling my dad.  I probably could have gotten away with it for a few more years, but, you know-” he cut off and shrugged, looking down at the floor.

Cas really wanted to say get to the turning point, but he was slowly realizing that is was a building exposing and that one day was it.  It was waiting and that day finally came.

“When I told him, it was-it was something I won’t forget.  He didn’t yell.  He was just silent.  And for a moment, I thought he was just thinking.  I guess finding out your kid is gay isn’t easy to accept?”

“No.  It’s not,” Cas spoke up, unable to hold back from that idea.  He was sure parents did have a hard time accepting that their kid is gay, but not everyone.  He didn’t and that made him feel guilty.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.  I know now it was my dad’s problem.  Just wished I knew before all of this.  Seventeen-year-old me wished my mom was with me.  I knew she would accept me, but since I didn’t know her well and I was doing, probably the most terrifying thing in my life, I believed my dad.”

Cas moved his hand, resting it by Dean’s leg, but not touching.  Dean didn’t realize, he was too focused on the wall in front of him.  Cas was worried that Dean was lost, but then he started speaking again.

“Long story short, my dad asked why I was doing this to him and also what would my mom think.  He asked if she would be happy.  I always tried to make my mom proud.  Wanted her to be proud of the son she left.  If I had my time back, I really wished I said she would be happy for me.  Can’t change it though.”

“Your mom is proud, Dean.  From what you’ve told me, she sounded like a wonderful woman.”

Dean chuckled and looked to Cas.  “Thanks.  But it could have been my four-year brain creating an image I wanted.”

“Maybe, but if the memories you have, they are all happy and I asked Bobby one time.”  He never told Dean or Sam that.  He was curious and Dean had very few memories.

“Well, thanks.  This is getting long, sorry.”

“Don’t be.  If this what you need to do, do it.”

He didn’t.  He wanted to stop.  He just wanted Cas’ decision and go for it.  He was done fight for a second chance.  Just like how Cas was done with them.  But he needed to do this.  For himself too.

“Anyway, when I told him about you, he insulted you and that pissed me off.  I said things I should have regretted, but I can’t.  This might sound strange and please don’t comment.  I hated when my dad would go on about you—they were never nice—and it made me hate—dislike him more.  Probably shouldn’t say hate.  I was fine—well, no—but, it was easier if John’s comments were to me. That’s why I stopped seeing him for a while.”

Dean took several deep breaths before groaning.  This was it.  The moment Cas would surely hate him.  May as well get it over with so they both could move forward.

“Even John was iffy about Sam.  Wasn’t happy at all, but he didn’t throw the comments at him.  Probably because Sam was his favourite.  When I went that day, Sam was supposed to come, but he had a test the next day and had to study.  Sometimes I think he wouldn’t have said those things if Sam was there.  But it was my fault for letting them sink in and turn me.”

Cas almost moved to touch Dean’s knee but pulled his hand back.  He really wanted to touch Dean, he couldn’t.  Not yet.

“This is going to sound so stupid,” Dean said to himself.  It was true.  In the time he spent away from his life here, he realized how stupid he had been.  “When I went to see him, I didn’t want to be there.  I never did, but I only did it for Mom.  Not that she would say I should.  I don’t know.  This is all so stupid.  You’re going to hate me.”

“No, I won’t.”  He could never hate Dean.  Dean has hurt him, but not enough for him to hate him.  He was just sad.

“Listen first, Cas.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes, but he held back.

“I kind of lost myself, I guess you could say.  He just started off with my life with you.  When Sam was there, he never talked or asked about it, but I could tell he wanted to and he got the chance.  It really was stupid, but I guess it was hearing all that shit in the past one last time was too much.  He just started on about how we could get married now and how you were still there, I would wouldn’t care about Sam.  That wasn’t the bad part.  He would say shit like that before.”

Dean paused for a moment.  Now that he was saying it, he wanted to stop.  It sounded so ridicules.

“He also said he wouldn’t approve of my marriage.  If he didn’t approve that I’m gay.  Like I needed his permission or his approval.  But, I didn’t have my mom.  I had Sam, I had you, but I needed that approval.  I was always envious that you had a family that accepted you.  I had Sam, but, yes, we were there for each other, to Sam, I helped rias him, so he wasn’t too concerned about John.  I had Sam, but I need my parents.”

Cas heard the shaky breath, but he decided not comment.  He had no right.  This was Dean finally opening up.

“Dad always made remarks about Mom being disappointed, and I knew he was wrong.  Or, at least I hoped.  Now, I realize, as much as I love my mom, and it would hurt if she didn’t accept me, it’s my life and I should be happy.  John just has a way of getting into my head and hitting the right spots.  I didn’t trust my dad when he brought Mom up, but my sexuality was always a sore spot and how I never got my mom’s acceptance?  I don’t know.  Bobby is more of a dad to me, but I still wanted John’s.  Though, I was kidding myself thinking that he would accept me.  I don’t know if he’s mad at losing my mom, being in jail and just taking it out on me.  Or if he actually was mad that I was dating you.”

Cas felt like he was going to cry.  When Dean pushed him away after he kissed him, he was hurt and scared that, that was the end of them.    At least his family was there for him.  It scared him to come out when he grew up in a religious household.  It also helped to have Gabe.

“I probably shouldn’t have cared.  I was never going to get him to accept me, but that realization broke me.  And I knew I had you, Sam, Bobby, Jo, and Ellen, but I wanted my mom.  I just settled for my dad, but that was a mistake.  This is the part where you hate me.  And I’m so sorry.  I took my anger out on you because I was jealous of what you had.  You knew your mom loved you. I didn’t.  And my dad wasn’t a good replacement.  And over time, it felt like something was wrong with me.  I had the people I love being there for me, but that boy still in me, the one my mom said Sam was my responsibility if she wasn’t there, couldn’t handle all of this.  I never thought I would lose her.  And I was always looking for approval from my dad.  Saying I was making Mom proud with Sam.”

He felt the knot forming in his throat and tears prickled in his eyes.  He won’t cry until he’s done.

“Then I came out and it got worse and after that, nothing worked right, except you.  You made me happy and I destroyed us because I couldn’t get my dad’s words out of my head and I was jealous of you.  I’m so sorry.”

Dean met Cas’ eyes this time and bit his lip, trying to stop the tears.  But he couldn’t and Cas moved to Dean, pulling him closer.

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered, rubbing Dean’s back.  “I’m so sorry.”

Dean wanted to laugh and say Cas has nothing to be sorry for, but he couldn’t form any words without blubbering.

They stayed like that for a while before Dean pulled back.  His eyes were red and raw.  He rubbed his eyes and just waited for Cas.

“I don’t blame you.”

Dean laughed bitterly and shook his head.  “What I did was all me.  I let people twist me and I didn’t stop it.”

Cas bit back a scoff.  He didn’t need Dean to think he actually hated him, but Dean wasn’t making it easy, but maybe that was the point.  Dean saw all of this was on him.  It wasn’t.  There were in this together and, yes, Dean did send them here, it wasn’t all on Dean. 

“Dean, you really don’t see it.  Do you?  What you did, yes, it did hurt, but hearing why. It wasn’t all you.  Dean, I really think you need to talk to someone.  Sam is not enough and I wasn’t a choice.”

“I didn’t want to put my crap on you, but I made it worst with not letting you in,” Dean jumped in. He wanted to protect Cas, but he never did that.

“Look, Dean,” Cas sighed and shifted back, giving them both room, “I really think you need to talk about this.  Look what happened when you didn’t.  Hold on,” Cas said, holding up his hand when he saw Dean try to speak.  “I’m not blaming you for all of this.  It’s partly on me.”

“No, Cas.  You did nothing wrong.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“You know I wouldn’t have let you.”

“But I could have tried.”

Dean just nodded.  He didn’t want to argue, but he didn’t like Cas taking any of the blame.  It hurt and again, he was hurting Cas.

“Anyway, I just wanted to explain.  Tell you what you needed to know.  I don’t expect this to change anything.  That’s not why I told you this.  After all of this, I owe you closure.”

It did kind of, though.  Cas now knew how much Dean was suffering.  It didn’t mean it changed them, but maybe they could find a way to work towards healing them.  It would be hard and he really didn’t know if he wanted to try.

Dean wanted to ask if they could try again, but he didn’t.  Couldn’t.  Cas already gave him a second chance and Cas couldn’t forgive him.  This wasn’t going to, but this wasn’t a try.  He just owed Cas.

“Dean, please know that I am so sorry, but you’re right, this doesn’t fix this.  But if you love me—I know I shouldn’t ask this—please, get help.  I don’t want you to suffer.”

 _I still love you_.

There was so much he wanted to say, but Dean just ripped himself open for Cas.  He left himself vulnerable.  But he owed Cas.

“I know, Cas.  Bobby and Sam have tried.”

“Then do it for yourself.  Get happy.  Or see if you can move on.   I know some things are hard, but you deserve to be happy.”

_You do._

Dean sighed heavily.  He didn’t want to tell Cas he would go to therapy for Cas.  He knew he should and if Cas wanted him to go, it was the push he needed.

“Look, Dean,” Cas took Dean’s hands.  “I do want you to be happy.  I want to be happy, but how can we fix this?  I want a second chance.  I really do, but we are seriously asking more questions than trying to fix this.”

Dean looked down at their hands and crushed the need to pull his hands back.  “I know, Cas.”  It was the same.  He wanted to fix this, but how?  Were there even any options?

“You know,” Cas took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  Should he say this?  Dean just put himself out there.  He didn’t want to tear Dean down any more than this.  But…

“Cas?” Dean whispered, wanting to hug Cas, but he would not do anything without Cas’ permissions.

“Please don’t blame yourself for what I’m about to say.  This one is on me.”

“That doesn’t make it comforting.”  No matter what Cas said, it was still his fault.  Whatever Cas was going to say after he started being a dick.

“Dean, please.”

“Sorry, but it’s true.”  He couldn’t let Cas take the blame in any of this.  He realized too late and he had to make Cas happy.  However, that would be.

Cas just thinned his lips and nodded.  He didn’t need to respond.  He needed to say this without Dean beating himself up more.  He exposed himself for being honest and now he had to be.  Just, he didn’t want to hurt Dean more, but there really wasn’t anyway.

“I know we agreed that not to blame each other for what we and didn’t do.  Well, what I didn’t do.  I know you said there was nothing I could do, but that didn’t click in when this first started.  I thought I could help.”

Dean stared down at his hands.  They weren’t holding hands and he was thankful for that.  He was squeezing his pants legs so hard he was sure he would have caused Cas’ pain.

“Cas, you really didn’t do anything.”

Cas rolled his eyes and laughed softly.  It was sweet that Dean didn’t see it that way, but this was a situation neither was innocent. 

“Dean, do you honestly think we are here just because of you.  You said I did nothing.  That’s just it, Dean.  I didn’t do anything.”

Dean snorted.  They were pushing back and forth and getting really nowhere.  Well, Cas knows his story, but Cas’ story just makes it sound like he’s helping Dean.

“You feel guilt, Cas.  You feel bad that you feel guilty for why I did all of this.  Don’t feel guilty.  What I did, you have a right to hate me.  Please hate me.”

Cas rolled his eyes.  “Hating you will just make you feel better.  If I take part of the blame, you hate it and because of that, I will take part of the blame.  You have to live with this and it’s not meant to be easy.”

“I don’t feel better if I take all the blame.  I want to take it because what I did is why we are here.”

“Yeah.  Sure, but I grew too and I realized that changes happen because of something significant and I realized that too late.  I’m not blaming myself, but maybe we were both blind.”

Dean huffed a laugh and shook his head.  This why he’ll give Cas anything he wanted—needed.

“You have to know, when I was thinking all of this, we were still young,” Cas started, ignoring Dean’s protest.  “And I’ve never experienced all of this before.  I should have seen that you were hurting and that you were acting out wasn’t just new.  It was building. I was angry and sad that you acted like you didn’t love me anymore.   It felt like I was in a one-sided marriage.  But, I really should have known that you were not like that.”

“But too much has happened,” Dean finished, looking up, catching Cas’ eyes.

Cas smiled sadly and nodded.  He fought the urge to reach up to Dean’s face.   That wasn’t allowed.

“This is not entirely on you.  We both fucked up and got us here.”

“I just started it,” Dean sighed and Cas didn’t correct him.  It was true, but he did contribute to them.

Cas sighed and worried his lip.  They were spilling all their secrets and having to face them. 

“We were young when we married.  We didn’t understand all of this.  Be honest: we married because we were too in love.  Because I did.”

Instead of answering, Dean agreed.  “We were young.”

 “But I don’t regret it.”  Though they were on the verge of a divorce and the last four years were Hell, Cas couldn’t find it in him to regret marrying Dean.

“Is it sick that I don’t.  Even though I brought us here.”

“It’s not.  We did have some good years.”

Dean smiled sadly and nodded. “We did.” 

They stayed silent for a long moment.  It actually felt like minutes—actually, it might have.  All Dean knew was that he jumped when Cas spoke

“I should go.  Sam told me you still are healing and-”

“Sam overacts.”

“Maybe, but I can see you are tired and this conversation couldn’t have been easy.”

“It’s alright.  We needed to do this and I can sleep later.”

Cas looked like he wanted to argue, but he frowned and nodded.  “Okay.  Thank you for this, Dean.”

“We both needed this,” Dean admitted and followed Cas to the door, ignoring Cas’ protest.

“I guess I’ll see you at work?”

“It won’t be for another few weeks.”  His doctor estimated his return at six weeks at the earliest.  And even then it would be off the streets.

“Well, I hope you have a smooth recovery.”  Maybe it was sympathy for what Dean was going through or what he told, but Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, careful not to squeeze.  “And I want to see you back at work.”

 


	36. Chapter Thirty-Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CRAP!! Thank you so much to Valsnotebook for making such a beatified and amazing playlist for this story. https://open.spotify.com/user/valepanda_/playlist/0Q3vIaoGXRkNkNR8vr6PRD

He stepped into the room, feeling really uncomfortable.  This wasn’t him.  He never did things like these and for good reasons.  He hated opening up to strangers.  Hell, it took all he had to tell Cas his story.  A story he should have had no problem sharing with his fucking husband.

It’s been five days since their talk and neither of them have reached out.  Which was fine.  He knew Cas needed time.

He kept telling himself he was doing this for Cas.  Really, he was doing it for Cas, but he was here for himself.  He knew he needed help and it was easier to say he was doing it for someone else.  At first, he looked at this for Cas, but he realized he needed to do this for him to work and that was a hard pill to swallow.

No one knew he was here.  Cas didn’t.  Bobby didn’t.  Hell, even Sam.  He purposely booked an appointment for when Sam was at work.  He could get home unnoticed and that’s what he wanted right now.

He had to ask his doctor for someone and that had been beyond embarrassing.  After surgery, everyone had said he should go there.  Cas had been the one who convinced him and he had to make the shameful call.

He sat on the couch, avoiding the woman that sat across him, silently.  He felt like she was judging him.  She probably was.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Dean looked up, meeting the woman’s eyes. 

The woman was young.  Maybe just a little older than he/.  She was slim and had dark brown hair.  What interested Dean was her attire.  She wore a tank top and tight black jeans.  Not a typical look for a therapist.  But already he felt more comfortable.  It felt like he was in therapy.  How she was, was a different story.

“Dean,” She greeted, breaking the silence.

Dean jumped, too lost in his mind.  “Sorry, Dr… Do I call you Dr. Barnes or Pamela?”

“Whatever you are comfortable with.  Some don’t like using “Dr.”, it makes this experience more real.  Some feel uncomfortable being here.  Like you.  You can call me Pamela.”

“I sorry?”

“You keep fidgeting.  This a first for you and you don’t want to be here,”

“How do you-”

“I’ve been in this field for years.  I know what newbies look like.  And you seem like a challenge.  I like a challenge.”

“You don’t even know what I’m here for.  Wait!  Do you?”

“Only what You gave when you made your appointment, which wasn’t much, which is why I know sharing anything is hard for you.  But, I won’t be sitting here in silence for an hour.  You’re going to talk.”

“And how do you know I will?”

“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to talk.”

“Actually, I'm here because-”

“Mmm.  No.  You’re not.  If you are here because someone pushed you, you wouldn’t be… Nervous.  You’re here for yourself.”

“H-how d-do you-”

“Years, honey.  This isn’t new.”

“Mm.”  Dean didn’t really know what to think about all of this.  He was expecting an older woman saying he fucked up his life.  In a much nicer way.  Pamela still didn’t say that.   She still could.  Actually, he had no idea what to do.

“So, now that it’s just us, you’re free to speak.  Take your time.  But as I said: we’re not being silent for an hour.

“You’re pretty brash.”

“I like to think of it as straightforward.  Won’t get anywhere when you aren’t honest.”

“Yeah.”  He really didn’t want to be here.  Making the appointment was easy.  Sitting in the room was real.  He knew he could leave, but he was here to get the help he always needed.  The help everyone saw except him.

Pamela studied Dean for a moment, watching his inner struggles.  These types were always the hardest.  They knew they had to talk, but couldn’t.

“Dean, you do know I can’t help unless you speak.”

“Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I, um… Shit.”  How to start?  Where to start?

Pamela was still smiling, which sent a chill up Dean’s spine.

“Um.”  Here was the start.  No going back.  “I guess you could say my life is fucked.”

“Okay,” Pamela said and crossed her legs.  “Go ahead.”

Dean took a deep breath.  This was so hard.  Cas was easier and he could judge.  Pamela was here to help and judge.  His life was fucked.

“My mom died when I was four.  My dad raised my brother and me, but it wasn’t long before I was really raising Sam on my own.”

“I’m with you,” Pamela said warmly when Dean paused.

Dean gave a weak smile and continued.  I met my husband in high school and my dad was pissed that I’m gay.  Anyway, a few years ago my dad went to jail and that was a blessing. Long story short, a few years ago my dad basically said things and made me not want to be who I am.”

“Do you want to take a break?” Pamela asked as she watched Dean shake.  “You’re shaking.”

“No.  No.  I won’t finish if I stop.  After that, I kind of turned into my dad.  Verbal, abusive asshole.   And I took it out on Cas—my husband.  And I basically destroyed our marriage.  And now I am here.”

“Why?  And you are not like your dad.  First of all, you realized your mistakes.  From the sounds of it, you dad hasn’t.  And second, you are here.  Not him.”

“How do you know I wasn’t like that?”

“Did you cut down your husband for being who he was?”

“No.  But-”

“I know this is hard, but if you want help, you need to be honest.”

“I was!”

“In a way.  You didn’t give many details.”

Dean fell back in his seat and rolled his eyes.  Great, he got a blunt therapist.  That was good, but it wasn’t.

“Have you told your husband-”

“Cas,” he cut in.

“Cas,” she corrected.  “Have told him all of this?”

“If I didn’t, would I be here?”

“Yes.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Because I know your type.  But, have you told him?”

“Yes.  That’s why I’m here.”

“To help your marriage?”  She knew the answer was no. As she said, people who are for others were dismissive.  She just needed to hear him admit it.  They couldn’t move forward if he wasn’t honest with himself first.

“Yes and no.  I’m here for myself, but I’m here for Cas.  If we are ending things, I want us to leave it off where it’s mutual.”

“Is it mutual, really?  It sounds like you’ve already given up and you are doing this to make Cas happy.”

“Why are you picking holes in everything I say?”

“Because it’s my job and also, what you are saying is not the whole truth.  You want to fight for Cas, but you have come to the realization that it’s too late and you want what’s best for him.  But, tell me something: are you sure Cas wants this too?”

Dean thinks back to their talk.  Cas all but said there was no hope for them.  He knew that telling him every thing wasn’t going to help.  He wasn’t under any delusions.  He just needed to tell Cas all of it so that they could walk away in peace.

“Yes.”

Pamela hummed, not looking convinced.  But before she could speak, Dean jumped back in.

“Aren’t you supposed to write this down?”

“Don’t change the subject and I’ll remember.”

“What’s there to change?  I answered honestly.”

“For what you believe, but I don’t think Cas wants this any more than you do.”

“You don’t know what I did to him.”

“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think there was a small chance.  I know you said you were here for you, but when it’s your choice, there is always another reason.”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“If you want.  It’s your time, but we are visiting this again.”  And by her tone, it was a promise.

Dean nodded.  What else could he do?

“Have you told your brother any of this?”

“Sam,” Dean supplied.  “And no.  Bobby—who helped me and Sam, they don’t know anything.”

“Do you want to?”

“Sam, yes.  Bobby, no.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I already disappointed my dad.  I don’t want to disappoint Bobby.”

“And why do you think you disappointed your dad?”

“Because he’s not proud of me.  He was always proud of Sam.  When he became a lawyer, he had to put down my job.”

“And what do you do?”

Dean bit his lip.  Whenever he said he was a cop, people started to hate him.  “I’m a cop.”

“And is that why you say your dad hates your job.”

“It is.  He was in jail and blamed me.”

“I see.  I want to get back to Sam.  From the way you talk about him, you sound proud of him.  Why don’t you let him in?”

“Because I don’t want him to be ashamed of me and how I handled shit.  He’s already mad at me for what I did to Cas.”

“And that’s it?”

Dean glared and crossed his arms.  “Aren’t you supposed to be compassionate?”

“My room.  My rules.   And I am, but you need a kick to answer my ‘shit’.”

Dean didn’t answer and Pamela sighed.  She uncrossed her legs and placed her elbows on her knees.

“Okay, I’m going to push.  You need to be honest with everything.  I want you to share this with Sam.  And before you speak, from what you said about Sam and how you react when you do, I highly doubt Sam will hate you.  He’s your brother and you need to be honest with him.”

“And I have to?”

“No, but it will help if you do.”

Dean has thought about letting Sam in all of this.  Let him know what his dad did.  If he was trying to help himself, he needed to clean out his closet.

*****

Sam sighed as he took a sip of his coffee.  It’s been a month since Dean’s shooting and he was still off of work.  Sam thought Dean would be angry, but he wasn’t or was and just didn’t let Sam know.

Sam had the day off, which was odd.  He usually didn’t get weekdays off, but he was going to enjoy it.  Since Dean’s injury, Sam hasn’t had a day off.  Well, he did, but he was using them to get Dean out of his house.  Dean always argued that he was baby him, but Sam felt like he had to.  He was finally taking care of Dean.

This was his first time without any obligations.  Dean was still at his.  He knew his brother did try to talk to Cas, but he was giving him what Dean gave him.  It was a never-ending cycle.  They did need to talk.  They couldn’t get on the same page.

As he walked out of the shop, his phone buzzed.  He kept walking, which was stupid, and bumped into someone.  He startled and looked up.

“Shit.  Sorry.”  He glanced at the man’s chest sighing in relief that he didn’t spill.  “I wasn’t… Gabriel?”  He felt the breath leave him as he took in his ex.  No.  They were never officially dating.  Gabriel was his… What was he?  Ex was simple.

“Sam,” the older man sounded just as shocked and shifted on his feet.

“H-h-How are you?”  He wanted to just run away.  Even after all this time, he still felt his heart skip a beat.  He was stupid to say that he had been in love.  Honestly, was that possible?  It took so long for Jess and in a matter of weeks, Sam fell hard for Gabriel.

Apparently, he was reading too much into what they had.  New Years was confusing and perfect.  Then his past and stupid mistakes caught up with him.  He deserved this though.  He hurt Cas.  As much as Cas said he didn’t, he knew he did and Gabriel saw it too.

He had to live with this.

The last time he talked to Gabriel was at the hospital and that had almost sent him to his own bed.  He cried before he called Bobby. 

Hearing Gabriel’s voice as calm as his training taught him was a punch in the gut.  He was crying so hard that a nurse was so concerned that she tried to get him out of the room, thinking it was Dean that sent him off.  It kind of was, but Gabriel triggered it.  He never had a cry after their break up and after hearing Gabriel’s voice, it had been too much at the time.

And what hurt the most, Gabriel could walk away so easily.  At least pretend that the choice was a little hard.  No.  Instead, Gabriel acted like he was just a good time until he was done with him.  He had a reason, but after the breakup, he acted like Sam was nothing.

He didn’t cry that night Gabriel let him go.  He was too numb.  Instead, he just stared at the wall.  Cas had called after Gabriel told him about ending things.  Cas apologized and Sam laughed.  He assured Cas that it wasn’t his fault.  Cas, of course, said Gabriel was an ass and Sam laughed.  His first laugh.

It’s only been two months since Gabriel ended it, and it was still a sore subject.  Dean never mentioned it and he asked Cas not to.

It was so stupid.  He never was this torn when he split with Jess.  That had been mutual.  With Gabriel, it wasn’t, but he understood.  But what he felt—still felt for Gabriel, wasn’t like Jess.

It felt like ages before Gabriel responded, but was probably seconds.  Fuck his life.

“I’m good.  Work’s hard.”

Sam just nodded, trying not to pop the lid off his drink.  “It always was.”

“True,” Gabriel agreed and glanced at Sam’s grip on the cup.  The lid was struggling to stay on.  He was uncomfortable.  “How’s Dean?”  He was trying to distract Sam with something else, he was too stiff and it scared Gabriel.

Sam wanted to snap and asked why did he care?  Dean was the reason he hurt Cas and Gabriel never cared for Dean.

“Okay.  I guess.  Healing from a gunshot wound isn’t easy.”  Okay, so he was a little bitter.

Gabriel bit his lip at the sound of his full name.  It’s been a long time since Sam called him that and now the shortening of his name wasn’t there.

“Sorry.  Just been hard.  Bobby can only do so much and Dad’s out of the question.  It’s work and helping Dean.  It’s… Hard.  Shit.  Sorry.”  Sam mentally slapped himself.  He didn’t want ramble, especially to Gabriel.  He wasn’t in his life anymore.

“Why?  I asked.”

That’s just it, he asked.  Sam could never say no to Gabriel.  If he asked, he always answered truthfully.  With anyone really.  But Gabriel for sure.

“Cas was over a few days ago.”  He really didn’t know why he was sharing and Gabriel would probably already know.

“I know.  Cas told me.”

“Right.  Figured you would know.”  He didn’t want to say how Dean was a wreck for two days after and then suddenly, he was fine.   He tried to ask, but Dean said he would share when he was ready.  All he knew was that he and Cas had a good talk.  He didn’t know what and it wasn’t his place to ask.

Gabriel didn’t comment more on the topic.  Cas wouldn’t share anything and he didn’t want to pry.  If Cas wouldn’t share, he wasn’t supposed to know.  But he wondered if Sam knew.  If Dean shared.

Sam’s phone buzzed again, but he was too distracted by Gabe to look away.  He still had that pull.

“Gonna get that?” Gabriel glancing down at the phone and then to Sam.

The younger man raised his eyebrows in question and to Gabriel’s credit, he kept the eye contact.

“Just Spencer again,” Sam said it like it wasn’t important.  And it wasn’t.  It was, but not when Gabriel was standing in front of him.

“Ah.  I probably should go anyway.”

“Yeah. Right.”  Sam nodded and rocked on his feet, waiting for Gabriel to move first.  He wasn’t going be the first one to run.

“I guess I’ll see around.”

Sam didn’t want to correct him.  He would do everything possible to avoid Gabriel until it didn’t hurt.

“You look good.”  Gabriel smiled and walked around Sam, but Sam stopped him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  If Gabriel was giving him a compliment, it was not welcomed.

Gabriel smiled slightly and Sam felt his heart being squeezed.

“I’m just saying you look good.  I know what you are going through and it’s good to see it’s not getting to you.”

Great!  Not a compliment, just an observation.  Spencer said something similar.  Gabriel was just stating what his saw.

“Um. Thanks?” Sam nodded and turned around. It took all his strength to walk at a normal pace.  He dumped his coffee in the first trash can and walked into the next coffee shop he found and all but ran to the washroom.

He splashed cold water on his face and tried to get his heart rate down.  He really needed to get a grip on himself.  This was unhealthy behaviour.  It had been a dream.  Even before he came out as bi, he found himself crushing on Gabriel.  It was a crush that only intensified and that’s why this whole fucked up situation was hard to handle.

Maybe he would take Spencer up on going out tonight.  He needed to get drunk.

*****

Sam walked into the club and immediately regretted it.  This wasn’t his scene.  Sure, he went out with Spencer and Oliver, but it was always a club. Andy was a calm choice.  But Gabriel set him off.  He didn’t want to be there, but he needed to.

“So, wh-” Sam turned around and cut off when he didn’t see the two.  He turned around and spotted them dancing.  “Of course.” 

He was third-wheeling and as much as he hated it, he needed to take his mind off of Gabriel.

He stopped at the bar and ordered a shot.  He needed something strong if he needed to have a good time.  Well, drunk enough if he were to forget today.

It wasn’t until his sixth-seventh drink, actually, he didn’t know and that was bad.  He’d worry about it tomorrow.

He felt brave enough to grace the dance floor.  He wasn’t the best dancer, but you didn’t have to be if you were at a club.

He found Spencer and Oliver in a corner, in their own world.   He was about to go over, but a tall—not as tall as Sam, caught his eyes.

Sam bit his lip.  He never did shit like this.  He spent days and nights for years in school. This was new and exciting.  Later on, when he sobered up, he would regret this.  But he wasn’t in his right mind to care.

The man walked up to Sam and he turned, pressing into him.  He was shorter, like Gabriel, but taller and that was comforting. 

He didn’t want to talk, he was scared that if they did, this would become too real and then he truly would wallow in self-pity.

He pressed back into the man, moaning softly.  Yeah, he would regret this tomorrow.

The man was being bold and running his hands up Sam’s chest and if he tried enough, he could imagine that they were Gabriel’s.  Which was sick.  This was nice to forget about the man.

Fuck it.  He turned around and smiled.  The guy was cute.  He was taller than Gabriel, had blue eyes and brown hair.  The complete opposite of Gabriel and was so right.

He bit his lip and searched the man’s eyes.  He smiled back and cupped Sam’s face.  He leaned forward, meeting the man’s lips.

Fuck.  Yeah.  This was good.

He deepened the kiss and his partner was all for it.  He pulled Sam close.  So close and the taller man moaned.  He could totally do a drunk hook up.  He never did. Ever.  Gabriel was his first gay experience and look how well that went.  He didn’t have any respect tonight.  If he was wrong for Gabriel, find someone who didn’t know about his past. 

He was about to pull away and ask if they wanted to get out of here when he was pulled back.

“What are you doing?” Spencer snapped.

“Having fun,” Sam replied like Spencer was stupid.  Looking to his partner with an apologetic look.

“Like hell.  Sorry,” Spencer said, addressing the blue-eyed man, “he’s coming with us.” Spencer dragged Sam out, followed by Oliver.

Once they were in a cab, Sam finally talked.

“What the hell was that?”

“Saving you.  I wasn’t letting you out drunk.”

“I’m not  _that drunk_.”

“Drunk enough to go home with that guy.”

“And how does that make me drunk?”  He was tipsy and would feel it tomorrow, but he wasn’t as gone as Spence was implying.

“You’re doing this because you want to forget Gabe-Gabriel,” Spencer corrected when he saw Sam’s face.

“Babe, not here,” Oliver spoke up and touched Spencer’s arm.

“Fine,” Spencer groaned and Sam was grateful for some silence…  

Until Sam followed Spencer into the apartment.  Spencer wasn’t letting Sam alone and the taller man rolled his eyes.  He really didn’t want to be yelled at.  He wanted quiet.

“Why are you freaking out?  I don’t do this shit,” Sam snapped as he rounded on Spencer.

“That’s why.  If you wanted to have gone, fine, but you are only like this because of Gabriel.”

“It’s been months, Spencer.  And it wasn’t official.”

“To him.  I know how hard this was on you—still is and-”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Clearly, you do.  And it’s okay.”

“Funny how  _you_ are giving relationship advice.”  Sam knew he was being mean, but he was tired of be babied.  He had to look after Dean.  He needed a night out.  Or so he told himself.

Olive walked into the kitchen, letting the two men deal with whatever they were doing.

“Okay, maybe I’m not the best, but that’s why you are worrying me.  You’re being me.”

“Maybe it’s time to change.  You have Oliver.  I have no… One.” He trailed off.  It was hitting him and it hurt.  Seeing Gabriel today was a reminder that he fucked up.  This wasn’t him, but it had to be.

“Okay, maybe I overreacted,” Spencer sighed.  “But this breakup has hit you.  I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Like what?  It was mutual.”

“Bullshit.  What ended you and Jess was mutual.  So, you told me and I believed you.  You were fine.  This time…”

“Okay,” Sam snapped.  Really, why couldn’t he sleep around?  He never did, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t.  “So, it wasn’t mutual, but it’s what I need to let Gabriel think.”

“And you think he wouldn’t be different if he knew you are a mess.”

Sam glared, but Spencer just shrugged.  “From what Cas told me, he doesn’t care.”  And that’s what hurt the most.

Suddenly Oliver stepped into the room and placed a hand on Spencer’s shoulder.

“You can sleep in the spare room.  I need to talk to Spencer.”  The older man smiled and pulled a protesting Spencer from the living room.

Sam sighed.  He was so tired.  Physically, emotionally and mentally.  His headache was still there and now that he wasn’t talking, he didn’t have anything to distract him.

He went into the spare bedroom and looked at the bed.  How did his life become this?  He never stayed at Spencer’s place overnight.

His mouth tasted gross and made a mental reminder to ask if they had a spare toothbrush.

He just got under the blankets when a knock came.

“What?”

“Hey,” Spencer smiled and stepped into the room.  “I’m sorry for earlier.”

“It’s fine.  I would have regretted it right away.  So, I guess thank you for stopping it.”  Sam curled into the mattress and hugged the pillow.

Spencer walked to the other side and got on the bed.  “You were trying to get back to normal, but that was not the right way.  I should know.”

Sam laughed.  Back when Spencer and Oliver got together, Spencer slept with someone else before they were official.  Spencer was devastated and slept around when Oliver broke it off.  Which ended up him cry at Oliver’s doorstep.  Wasn’t his proudest moment, but it did give the wakeup call he needed.

“Yeah.  Guess I don’t know how to handle this.” And it was true.  Jess was his first relationship and it didn’t end in tears.  With Gabriel, he sat in Central Park and just stared ahead of him in the rain.  How pathetic.

“I wouldn’t say that.  You had a crush on Gabriel for years.  Even before you came out as bi.  And then he showed interest in you.  Of course, you are broken now.

“You sure know how to cheer up a boy.”

“Ha ha ha,” Spencer drawled out.  “I’m just stating the truth.”

“Yeah, well, don’t.”

“Ooo, snappy,” Spencer teased and Sam just rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need to be reminded of the fact that I can’t let this go.”

“Well, you have two options: either pout over Gabriel or show him you don’t care and then cry.”

“Don’t joke.”

“I’m not.  You loved Gabriel and he was a little cruel.  You won’t get over this easily, Sam.  You are sensitive.”

“Code for weak.”                                                                     

“No.  If you were like me, I wouldn’t be with Oliver.  You kicked me in the ass.  It’s who you are.  And Gabriel hurt you and it’s because you are beating yourself up for something Cas forgave for.  In my opinion, Gabriel was out of line if Cas was okay with you.”

“How did you know I was in love with Gabriel?”  Sam shot up, sitting across Spencer.

The man smiled widely.  “I didn’t.  You just confirmed it.”

Sam groaned and dropped his head.  His head was pounding and he wasn’t in the mood for this shit.  “I hate you so much.”

“To be fair, I kind of assumed.  You always smiled when Gabriel text or you mentioned him.”

“Was I that obvious?”  Fuck, if he was, what did Gabriel think?

“You were, but how about we change the subject.”

“What abo-”

“Want to be my best man?” Spencer cut him off and smiled.

Sam furrowed his brows and watched Spencer skeptically.  “What about Caleb?”

“My brother’s a dick.”

Sam laughed and sat, carefully so he could avoid a head rush.  “What did he do?”

“Nothing.  My mom wanted him to be my best man, but I finally said it was my wedding and I get to pick who stands next to me.  So, what do you say?”

Sam smiled and raised his eyebrows.  “You honestly want me there.”

“Come on, Sam of course.  You’re my best friend.  So, be my best man.  Oliver and I wouldn’t be here without you.”

“Bullshit,” Sam chuckled awkwardly.  He really just helped.            

“Bullshit,” Spencer echoed.  “Oliver told me the only reason he gave me a second chance was because of you.  He also said you weren’t wrong,” the shorter man smirked.

“He was the one who acted.”

“But you gave him that push.  Now shut up and say ‘yes’.  I need someone to bitch to when Oliver bitches to me about his mother trying to plan this circus.”

“You’re really not giving me a choice, are you?”

Spencer grinned and bounced to lay down.  “Nope.” He said, popping the ‘p’.

Sam sighed, which felt like for the hundred’s time tonight.  “Fine.”

*****

Cas stood in the observation room, watching Marv talking with Tessa.  He had this grin on his face that Cas wanted to slap off. 

He wasn’t supposed to be here.  Crowley threatened him if he found him in here, but Cas was past caring.  He almost lost his husband to this man, he wanted to hear what Marv had to say.

Right now, Tessa was just asking… Something.  Cas spaced out, watching Marv.

“I know why I’m here.  Sadly, Dean’s not here.  How is he?”

“Fine,” Tessa said, flatly, keeping her eyes fixed on Marv.

“Bet his husband wasn’t.”

“Excuse me?” To Tessa’s credit, she kept her face blank, not showing any emotion.

Cas eyes widened.  What?

“That Cas boy.  Still married?”

“How do you know that?”

Cas felt his heart rate pick up.  If someone had to know their secret, Marv wasn’t allowed.

“Please, I’m no idiot.  I knew way back.  But if I didn’t, Dean’s reaction when I mentioned him.”

“I see.  Well, that’s not for discussion.”

“Shame.  I’m surprised that they are still together.  Dean didn’t seem very happy then and now. Surprise that he still is with him.”

“We are not talking about it.”

“Though, Dean always just liked familiarly.  He probably didn’t want to change.  That on its own is a challenge.”

“Please don’t insult my officers.  This is not part of the case.

“You know,” Marv said, sitting back and turned his head to the glass window.  He smirked like he knew Cas was there.  “I really don’t get why you stay by people.  They are just disappointments. They make your life hard, unbearable.”

Cas felt like Marv was talking to him and he didn’t like.  He was pointing out all of Cas’ insecurities.

“When I have people like that, I cut them out.  It’s a motto I’ve always used and still do.”

“And that’s why you are here, Marv.”

Marv hummed and tilted his head, trying to look like he was thinking.  Cas just wanted Marv to get this over with so he could leave.  But Marv wasn’t making it easy.

“You were just lucky to find me.  Didn’t make easy, did I?”

Tessa pursed her lips, trying to keep her face blank.  “No.  You here because Ezekiel helped us.”

“Should have got rid of him when I had a chance.”

Cas was no longer looking and had his back to the two in the other room.  What Marv said was true, and it made him sick that it was from him.  Also, what he said about Dean, was that true?

No, that part had to be Marv.  Dean never told anyone about them.  Marv would be the last person.  He was just trying to get in Cas head and he was succeeding.

But Marv was right, he needed to let Dean go.  Not just for him, but for Dean.  They were both broken and at this point, he didn’t think they had a chance.  They were barely hanging on when Dean got shot and with the injury, his views on them probably changed. If Dean’s silence was anything to go by.

He truly had to let Dean go.

*****

Sam walked into his apartment that Friday to find Dean sitting like a statue by the kitchen island.  He was looking at a sheet of paper on the counter top.  His eyes were glassy and his cheeks were red.

“Dean?” he tried, but Dean didn’t move.  “Are you okay?”

Dean still looked at the paper. He didn’t know how long he’s been like this, but he wasn’t about to cheek.  He heard Sam’s voice, but it sounded too far away.  Really, his life was already far away.  He didn’t have his life anymore.  He lost it when Marv came.  Marv did succeed.  He did kill Dean.

“Dean.  You’re worrying me.”  Sam walked over and grabbed the papers, but Dean’s slammed his hand over it.

“No.”

“Honestly, Dean, talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

Sam sat on the stool next to Dean, trying again to take the paper.

“Stop.”  Dean pulled the paper closer to his chest and took a deep breath.

“Please, talk to me. I can’t help if you don’t speak.”

Dean scoffed and shoved to papers to Sam.  “You can’t help.”

Sam cautiously reached for.  He let out a small gasp.

“I know, right?” Dean chuckled weakly.  “You can’t help.  You tried, but I didn’t.”

Sam swallowed and placed the papers back by Dean’s hands.  He wanted to say something.  Anything.  But nothing was going to work.

“Think you can take in your divorced brother?”

 


	37. Chapter Thirty-Seven

Dean really didn’t know what to do anymore.  He texted Cas that night.  He really didn’t know why and Cas’ silence was expected. 

Not a week later, Dean got the papers.  It was a punch in the gut.  He knew it was coming, but not so fast.  He signed that night and Sam yelled at him.  Saying he wasn’t in his right mind.  Dean just rolled his eyes and said the decision will always be the same.

Sam didn’t see him cry.  He was careful.  He knew this was coming.  After their talk, they both agreed it was for the best.  Well, Dean agreed with Cas because he owed him. 

He didn’t want this.  It was a sign that it was the end of them.  After living most of their lives after high school, this was a new chapter.  A new challenge and he wasn’t ready.

After his meeting with Pamela, Dean just told Sam.  He let it all out.  If Cas wanted him to get help and heal, he’d do just that.  Now, he would just do it for himself.  Which, was better.  He really should be doing this for himself.

When he told Sam, it was a lot longer than what he told Cas.  There were parts that weren’t relevant with Cas.  It concerned Sam.  It took the whole night.  They got drunk and pondered over why they had this life.

Now that his life was over, he was trying to get everything in order.  Which didn’t make sense, but to Dean, it did.

“Did you just stay home all day?”  Sam stepped into his house, dropping his keys onto the counter.  Watching Dean watching TV.

“Yep,” Dean replied, not taking his eyes off the TV.  He did stay in and he hated it.

He was still off work.  His recovery time was estimated at six weeks and he was dying.  He was only half way through the wait time and it was going slowly.

He hasn’t gone back to Pamela.  He couldn’t.  Didn’t?

“You know you need to get out,” Sam said as he walked to the couch and glanced at the TV. What did have on?

“Thanks, doc.  The constant reminders really help.”

“You’re being a dick, Dean.”  Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. 

Dean didn’t react and just continued to stare at the screen.  “Thanks for the reminder, Sam.  Like I don’t have papers to prove it.”

Sam sighed and sat down by Dean.  Every since Dean got the papers, he’s closed in on himself.  Sam was worried that this attitude would delay Dean’s healing.

“Sam, I don’t need you to monitor my healing.  A week in isn’t going to hurt me.”

“Maybe not, but you shouldn’t challenge it.”

“Relax, Sam.  I’ll be on the desk for a few weeks when I get back.  Won’t be pushing myself.”

“That’s a relief, but how are you doing? You haven’t said anything about Cas.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“You’re giving up so easily.”

“No, I’m not.  Cas was trying for years and I was blind.  I can’t fight for Cas without sounding like a hypocrite.  I’m giving him what he wants.”  What he needs.

“That still doesn’t mean you’re fine.”

“Have I ever been fine?  I’m not being a dick, I’m asking.”

“Well, after what you told me, I still say you should talk to someone.”

Dean rolled his eyes.  Sam’s been push and it was funny that he really didn’t need to.  Well, if he went back.

“You seriously want to deal with this in silence?”

“Well, no one’s counting on me.”

“You’re dumb,” Sam said and stood up, walking to counter where the divorce papers still sat.  He fingered them and then picked them up.

“I don’t know why you’re so concerned, Sammy.”

Sam turned to face Dean, still holding the papers.  “Are you honestly giving up?  Just because you decided to end your marriage, doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to live for.”

“Talk to me when you are in another relationship.”

“Just because my situation is different, doesn’t mean I can’t help.  When Jess and I broke up, it was hard.  We agreed but didn’t mean it was easy.  And Gabriel,” Sam paused for a moment.  He was still was hesitant to talk about Gabriel.  First, Dean didn’t like the guy, but also, he felt more than when he and Jess ended them.

“I appreciate you trying to help, but this is different.  I did this.  I have to pay for this.”

“Fine.  Do that, but I’m here for you.”

Dean hummed and turned his head.  He did feel bad, but what could he do?  He lost Cas, so what now?  He wasn’t clear for work.  He was feeling isolated and now Sam wanted to help.

He loved Sam, but it was still hard to let his brother in.  He spent so many years being there for Sam, now the table was turned and Dean didn’t want to be on Sam’s end.

*****

“How are you, Dean?” Pamela asked after a long moment of silence.  Dean just walked in, sat down and that was three minutes ago.

“Isn’t that cliché?” Dean said, finally breaking his silence.

“Not if I am concerned.  It’s been two weeks since our meeting and you just walked in and sat.  Something happened.”

“And why do you think I want to talk?”

“You wouldn’t be here,” Pamela stated simply and sat back.

Dean rolled his eyes.  Really, why was he being aggressive?  He agreed to the divorce, the help and the sharing.  He had to let Pamela know, but that would just make this all real.

“Fine.  We filed for divorce.”

“And is that what you wanted?”

Dean took a deep breath.  He was considering lying, but what would that do?   “No.”

“And yet you agreed to this?”

“I owe it to him.  He wants this and he deserved this.  After all I did,” he muttered the last part under his breath.

“Now, did you expect this?  You didn’t seem very hopeful when you were here.”

Dean let out a hollow laugh and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “I did.  When I went for UC, we were already near the end.  It was just building.”

Pamela nodded and hummed.  “Now, I am only asking because I need to know how I’m going to help you.  What have you been doing?  A lot of people close themselves off after they go through a divorce.  I know you are still healing, and I don’t want this to hinder your recovery.”

“Don’t worry.  It won’t.”

“Are you sure?  Because from your silence since last time, I don’t think you are fine.”

“Do you just poke at my problems.”

“That’s what therapy is, Dean.  We have to find what the issue is and figure out what to do.”

“Well, don’t.”

“Then why are you here?  Dean, if you want help, I think you need help that I’m not qualified for.”

“What do you mean.”

“I mean, from what you shared about your father, it’s abuse.  If we are going to help, I feel like you will benefit from an antidepressant.”

“Are you trying to medicate me?” he snapped, automatically hating bringing up the subject.

“It’s up to you.  I can only suggest, you’re the one to decide,” Pamela replied simply, keeping her voice level.

Dean really didn’t like the idea of pills.  It would surely scream the something was wrong with him.  He would get pity from people that knew.  They were supposed to help him, but they wouldn’t.

“You don’t have to decide now.  I’m just trying to give you some options.”

Dean nodded and looked to the door.  He could leave.  He had the right, but he came here for a reason

“What can I do for you, Dean?  What do you want?”

Dean was silent for a long time.  It might only have been few seconds.  Why was he here?  He already talked to Cas and Sam.  He was getting divorced.  His life couldn’t get any better.

“Because I… Shit.”  Dean pinched the bridge of his nose.  “I’m here because I need to talk.”

Pamela smiled and Dean thought she was going to hug him.

“Okay.”

*****

 “Hey, Sam?” Dean called, hobbling out of the bed room.  It’s only been a few weeks since the hospital and every step pulled at his stitches.  It was a challenge, but he needed to push.

“Yeah?” Sam called from the kitchen where he was making dinner.

It took a bit longer to get to the other room, but Dean managed with just a few deep breaths.

“I, um,” Dean paused as he stopped at the island.  Sam turned from the counter, watching him.  “I-will you stop looking at me like that?”

Sam furrowed his brows and frowned.  “Like what?”

“Like you are judging me.”

“I’m sorry?”  Sam really didn’t know what he looked like.  He thought he was just looking at his brother, but apparently, he was judging him?

“Sorry,” Dean mumbled and pushed a hand through his hair.  Why was this so hard?  It was just Sam.  He wouldn’t judge.  Or maybe he would.

This was such a stupid idea.  Why was he always considering Pamela’s shit?  Well, not all.  He was not going on medication.  He was broken, he didn’t need another reminder.  Letting Cas go was enough of a slap in the face.

It has been two weeks since he got the papers. They still laid on the island, signed, but no closer to Cas.  The man never texted asking for them, so was going to hang onto them until he saw Cas again.  Which, would probably be when he returned to work.  And that was still a few weeks away.  If all went well.

He was looking for his own place.  He and Cas had agreed that Cas would keep their place and Dean would stay with Sam until he found a place.  He was looking, but until he was cleared for work, Sam kept an eye on him.

It was so weird.  He was never on his own.  He and Cas had moved out of their homes and started living together.  It’ll be an adjustment and not a happy one.  But, what can he do?  Cas and he agreed on this.  He owed it to Cas.  When he almost died, he thought if he lived, he would let Cas decide for them and he would go with it.  And he was.  Just, not happily, but only Pamela knew that.

In reality, he wished the surgery didn’t work.  He fucked up his life.  But death was an easier path, so he had to live and answer to his actions.  His mistakes.  And it was a long list.

“Dean?”

Dean jumped at the sound of his name.  He didn’t realize he spaced out until he looked at Sam and saw the worried look.

“Are you okay?”

Dean bit his lip and closed his eyes.  He took a deep breath.  Why couldn’t he do this?  He did the scariest thing in his life and that was telling Cas and Sam his life story.  And that really shouldn’t have been that scary.  He should have been able to tell Cas.  He was his husband.

If that was so scary, why was this?  Maybe it was with the people he trusted.  Which also questioned why was it so hard to let his love ones in?

 _Because you were afraid of being judged,_ a voice in Dean’s head echoed.

Honestly, why couldn’t any of this be simple?

He nearly had a heart attack when Cas asked if they could talk and he didn’t hesitate with his answer.  He’d spent three minutes wishing that he could take the message back.

He didn’t tell Sam until the next day and to say he was shocked was an understatement.  Trust him, so was Dean.  He still couldn’t believe he agreed to it, but they needed.  Dean was out of the hospital.  It had been a long time coming and he had to apologize for shutting Cas out.  That was inexcusable.  Even if he was high on pain meds, he should not have done it.

The whole time he waited for Cas was an anxiety attack.  He couldn’t sit still and that was Hell on his injury.  He was supposed to rest.  It was only a little after two weeks since his shooting and he was supposed to be rest.  Except, he couldn’t.

He wasn’t expecting Cas to just show up and that sent him into another panic.  He never let Cas know, but the whole time his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest.  Even after he was done, he felt better mentally, but not physically.  Cas was right, he did need rest.  But, he didn’t want to show it.

“Dean!” Sam's voice snapped Dean out of his head.

“Sorry.  What?”

Sam chuckled and shook his head.  “You tell me.  You just spaced out.”

“Oh.  Sorry.”

“You said that.  What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing,” Dean said shortly and rooked on his feet, almost falling back when he went too far back.  “Shit.”  He grabbed the island to steady him.

Sam pursed his lips and looked down at Dean’s hands then back to his face.  “Dean, what is it?  You’re fidgety.”

Dean took a moment to breathe.  _Why was this so hard?_

“I want to go see Bobby and them.”

“Okay,” Sam agreed.  “We can.  Are you sure you are up for it?”

Dean thought for a moment before shaking his head.  “No.  I do-”

“Then no.  You can’t push yourself.”

“Let me finish, Sammy.  I want to go after the doctor clears me.”

“Then why-?”

“Because I need something to look forward to.”

“Okay?  We can do that.”

“I just don’t want Dad there.”  And that was the hard part.  Pamela said he should talk to John.  He needed closure, but with his dad, that was something that would most likely never happen.  Still.

“You know Dad doesn’t live with Bobby anymore.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want him to hear about it.”

“Well, I’m sure if you tell Bobby why he’ll make sure he won’t be there.”

Dean grumbled and glanced to the door for something to do.  “That’s the problem, Sam.  I-I—shit…” he trailed off.  Did he really want to tell Sam that he was seeing Pamela?  No.

“You know Bobby and I will do what you want.”

“That’s the problem.  If I tell you, you’ll think I’m a fuckup.”

Sam wanted to say Dean was the only one to think he was a fuckup.  “Well, I can say that I wouldn’t say you are, but it’s up to you.”

“I’m getting help, Sam,” Dean snapped and groaned when he realized what he just admitted.  Shit.  He didn’t want anyone to know.

“Dean,” Sam said slowly, like he was trying not to scare Dean.  “That’s good, right?”

“No.  She told me to face the shit I was afraid of and to do the things I need to do to move on.  She wants me to talk to Dad.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.  Right?”

“I mean, I get her point, but do you honestly think you can handle meeting him again?”

“You invited him to your party.”

“Bobby encouraged it since Dad was living with him and it was a mistake.  I haven’t talked to him since and I know you haven’t either.”

“So, do you think she’s right?  My therapist,” he corrected.  “Should I talk to Dad?”

“Honestly, it’s up to you.  I’ll support you.”

“Great,” Dean grumbled under his breath. “That’s what Pamela said.  The part where it’s up to me.  Why can’t people choose for me?”

“Because it’s your life.  You have to decide.  If Pamela said you have no choice, that you have to talk to Dad, would you do it willingly?”

Sam was always the reasonable one and now it was irritating. 

“You can’t win, Dean.  You want someone to decide for you, but what they say, you want the say in it.  Right now, this is your choice.  She doesn’t want to push you to do something you’re not ready for.”

“I hate you.”  Dean knew Sam was right, but it hurt to hear.  He wanted to talk to John, but last real conversation they had sent him to Hell.  He just got out and every thing was destroyed.  Maybe he would talk to him.  He was already down as far as possible.

But, he was working his way up.  Trying to make a new life.  Maybe he would try.

*****

Dean sat in the waiting room, by Sam.  This was the visit that will answer whether or not Dean can go back to work, and he was hoping for good news. 

Sam was flipping through a magazine, not really paying attention to what was on the pages.  Dean was beside him, leg shaking in anticipation.  He knew Dean was worried for this visit, but for what?  The past couple of weeks went well.  He was sure the doctor would clear Dean.

“You know,” Sam started, not taking his eyes off the page, but still had no idea what the article was about.  “Yesterday, I had to talk Jo out of throwing you a celebration when we visit.”

Dean huffed a laugh.  He was too nervous to hold a conversation.  “If that happens, I’m not going.”

Sam smiled and shrugged.  “She means well, but she agreed that you didn’t want a production.”

“I don’t want this to be any different.  It’s a visit.”

“We know, but you have to know you scared us and we’re happy you are here.”

“Still don’t want a big deal made of it.”

Sam was cut off by his phone buzzing.  He pulled it from his pocket and sighed.  “It’s Bobby.”

“Take it.  I’ll be here.”

“You sure you’ll-”

“I’m not broken, Sam.  Go.”

Sam looked like he was going to protest, but thought better of it.  “Okay.  I’ll be back.”

He got up from his seat and answered the call.

The call with Bobby was quick.  He called to see how Dean’s appointment went and asked for Sam to call back after they knew. 

It was nice to have someone to talk to about Dean, who knew Dean.  Spencer and Henry were great, but it was nice to have someone who knew their history.

This was a time where he wished he still had Jess.  Even Gabriel, but that breakup was a clear ‘we’re not on the same page’.  He wished he kept in touch with Jess.  She knew Dean a little bit.  With Gabriel, it was hard because he was Cas’ brother.  They would never be on the same page.

He sat on a chair in the lobby, fiddling with his phone.  He was in his own mind.  He really needed a break from all of this.  He lost his own life because he stupidly stayed with Dean too long.  He needed to do something for himself.

Spencer was actually trying to set him up, which wasn’t an appealing idea.  He didn’t like blind dates.  The idea made him anxious, but, he needed a change.  Maybe he would take Spencer up on the suggestion.

He walked back to the waiting room, too invested in texting Spencer back and nearly collided with someone turning the corner.

“Oh, shit,” Sam gasped and stopped just in time.  “I’m sorry.  Wasn’t look—Gabe-riel?” he caught himself in time.

The older Novak smiled tightly and Sam felt a punch to the gut.  He never liked hospitals to begin with and now the chance of running into Gabriel made it worse.

“Hi,” he tried to sound happy, but he was sure it was strained.  They really needed to stop—literally—running into each other.  

“What are you doing here?” Gabriel asked instead of a greeting.

Sam chuckled, trying to take Spencer’s advice.  He wasn’t going to show Gabriel how much he affects him.

“I’m here because Dean has a doctor’s visit.”

“Oh, yeah.  Sorry.”

“You okay?” Sam asked, frowning a little. 

Gabriel blinked like he was pulled back to reality.  “What?  Oh,” he laughed, though it sounded strained.  “Yeah.  All’s fine.  How’s Dean?”

Sam wanted to ask why did he care, but wasn’t going to be a dick today.  Spencer’s voice echoed in his head. 

“Healing.  If all goes well, he should be cleared for work.  He’ll be happy if that happens.  He really wants to go back.  So, let’s hope.”

Gabriel let out a small laugh.  “I know Cas wants him back so he can take some of the questions he’s getting.”

“Yeah.  I’m sure it’s overwhelming.  Or so he tells me.”

“Oh, right.  You still talk to him.”

“Well, he’s my brother-in-law and it helps to talk about it.  I think Cas likes it, but I’m just assuming.  I hope he does.”

“He does,” Gabriel said without thinking.  He didn’t know why he wanted to reassure Sam that what he was doing was helping.

Sam smiled slightly and bit his lip.  He always liked Cas and he really hoped with the divorce, he and Cas could stay friends.

“So, how’s your day going?”  Sam wanted to slam his head against the nearest wall.  That was a stupid question.  A sign that he really didn’t know what to say.

Gabriel was looking down the hall, probably trying to figure out an escape.  That’s fine.  He’ll let him.  He probably should get back to Dean.

“Slow today.  Just started really, so it won’t stay quiet for long.”

“Mm.”  _Really?  Get it together, Winchester!_ “Probably should let you go so you can enjoy the quiet while you still can.”

Gabriel laughed and pulled a small smile.  He wanted to go, but he also didn’t. 

“I also should get back.  Dean’s probably waiting for me.  Unless he’s with the doctor.”

“Right,” Gabriel nodded and stepped around Sam, no longer blocking him.  “Take care, Sam.”

Sam smiled softly and Gabriel felt something pull at his heart.  “It was nice seeing you, Gabriel.”

Gabriel bit his lip and gave a strained smile.  “You too.”

Sam nodded and walked down the hall, where Dean was.

He only had to wait for five minutes before Dean came back to the room.

“So?” Sam asked, standing up and walking to Dean.

“I’m cleared, but only for desk shifts.  Can’t drive yet.”

“That’s still great.  Right?” Sam grinned and lead the way out of the room.

“It is.  I want to be back, I’ll take anything.”

“I’m still happy.”

“Me too,” Dean mumbled, but his smile fell.  He wished he had Cas here.  He wanted to celebrate with him, but they decided not to do any of that.  They were getting divorced.  Still, he wanted Cas to know.

He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text.  _“I got cleared.”_

Like always, he didn’t get a response, but at least he can say he let Cas know.

 

*****

“What the hell?” Cas snapped as his older brother rushed through the door.  Gabe didn’t say anything but to let him up.  Now he was regretting it.

“I saw him.”

“Who?  Michael?  Yeah, I would be scared too.”

Gabe glared at Cas and dropped down on the couch.  “Don’t joke.”

“Sorry, but it’s funny.  You were only this freaked when you were waiting for your med school acceptance. Who are we talking about?”

“Sam.”

Cas groaned and squeezed his eyes tightly.  “Not this again.”

“What do you mean?  I’ve never asked about Sam”

“But when I talked about him, you basically perked up.”

“I broke it off with him.”

“Then why are you freaking out?  You-”

“I am not!”

“You are,” Cas simply said and dropped in what used to be Dean’s chair.  He hasn’t seen his husband since that day and he still had the texts from Dean after he got the papers and cleared.  He just couldn’t bring himself to write back.

“He just acted so… Normal?”

“Um.  Okay?  Isn’t that what people are supposed to act when they are over it?”  He didn’t know.  He literally married his first boyfriend.

“I don’t know.  Sam was the closest I ever had to a boyfriend.”

“And then you fucked it.”

“No.  I didn’t.”

“You did.” 

Cas still didn’t get why Gabe ended things.  He didn’t blame Sam and after his talk with Dean, he understood more about why Sam stayed with Dean.  If Gabe was mad at Sam, he didn’t have to break it off. They could have worked through it.  But that wasn’t Gabe.

He’s been pushing Gabe to apologize to Sam.  More so now that he was caring for Dean.  If Gabe saw what he did as right, fine.  But how he handled it was harsh.  He heard it in Sam’s voice every time he called.

“If you are still not going to go back to him, please just apologize for how you did it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you that dumb?  Gabe, he’s upset.  I don’t know what he said to you, but I think it was a lie.  How you are questioning why he’s acting normal, then he must have acted like… something?  He was-”

Shit.  He almost said it. 

When Cas was brave enough to ask Sam about Gabe and his breakup, Sam just whispered that he loved him.   

“Look, Gabe, since you’re doing all this for me, I want you to do one more thing.”

Gabe groaned and dropped his head back.  “I know what you are going to say and I know I have to.  I do owe it to him.”

Cas hummed and smiled sadly at Gabe.  It had been cute when Gabe and Sam were together.  His brother finally calmed down.  And then Cas would say his was madder at Gabe than Dean.  He wanted Gabe to have happiness and he fucked it up for _him._

He knew Gabe thought he was doing the right thing, but enough time has passed and he was content.  He was okay.  Not happy.  You could never be happy over a divorce, but Gabe could be happy now.

“I know I have said this so many time and I will say this on last time: you are such an ass.  You know I never blamed Sam for any of this.  I’m going to…”  Cas trailed off.  He wasn’t sure he was allowed to say what Dean said.  Actually, yes.  He can.

“What is it, Cas?”

Cas could hear the hesitance in his brother’s voice.

“Relax, Gabe.  The reason why I didn’t blame Sam was because Dean is his brother.  And if I had a relationship with any of you, I would have done the same thing.  Did Sam ever tell you how Dean practically raised him from when they were young.?”

Gabe was silent.  He shook his head.  He never asked Sam about his past.  Well, he did, but he only wanted to know why Bobby helped raise them.

“Bobby did help, but before him, it was just Sam and Dean.  That’s why they are so close and why Sam stood by Dean.  He felt like he owed this to Dean and he realized too late that Dean needed help.  He knows his mistakes.  He keeps apologizing almost every time we talk.  He’s sorry.”

Cas paused and looked at his brother, but the man kept his head down, hiding his head.

“He’s sorry, Gabe.  How much does he have to prove to gain your forgiveness?  He deserves your acceptance.  You don’t have to take him back, but please, talk to him.  He asked about you earlier and then stopped.  He realized that you didn’t care.”

Gabe snapped his head up and glared.  “He didn’t say that.”

“No,” Cas admitted.  “I did.”

Gabe felt… Weird.  Did he want Sam to care?

“But you can hear it.”

“Are you trying to guilt me?”

“No,” Cas said simply and dropped back in his chair.  “I’m not, but if you’re this confused, you obviously feel bad.  And _I_ feel guilty that you thought you had to breakup with Sam for me.”

Gabe kept his head down.  He was so confused.  He did what he thought was right and he still did.  But, he realized that he didn’t handle it right.  It was Sam who helped and in return, he hurt him.

“I made the choice and I don’t regret it.”

“Yes, you do.”  Cas stared at his brother who was having an inner battle.  Why was his brother so stupid? 

He has never been in a real relationship and when a crack appeared, he bolted.  Gabe would argue that it wasn’t a question, but Cas didn’t see it that way.

He knew people would hate and think he was turned dumb by Dean for wanting Gabe and Sam to be together.  They probably thought that he was nuts for letting Sam off the hook.  Sam even did.  But after he heard Dean’s story, he felt bad for Sam.  He was lost.

“I honestly feel like I’m repeating myself.”

“Because you are.”

Cas glared and rolled eyes.  “Don’t be a dick.  And I am because of you.  If you are coming here because you saw Sam, there’s a reason.  And I am not the greatest to ask about all of this.”

“That’s for sure.  You’re always supposed to be the sane one.”

“Well, someone had to and it doesn’t mean I have all the answers for _your_ life.  Honestly, Gabe, why are you here?  To me, you have no reason being here.  You saw the reason for breaking up with Sam as logical and now you’re here.”

“I’m just feeling guilty.  Every time I saw Sam, which wasn’t much, but he wasn’t himself and it hurt.”

“Then you’ve never been in a relationship.  If it’s not mutual, it hurts.  Take it from me.”

“Did you give him the papers?”

“Don’t change the subject.  And I did.”

“Has Dean said anything?”

Cas paused for a moment.   He wanted to tell him about the text, the one he still left unanswered.  “We’re talking about you,” Cas said as an answer.

“Hey, if I have to talk about my love problems, you do too.”

“Love?” Cas echoed with a grin

“Not like that.  Jesus.”

“It must be love,” Cas tease and say forward.  “You’re acting crazy.”

“I’m acting crazy because I’m fucking concerned by something I shouldn’t be.”

“If you say so.  It’s your life.  You have to figure it out.”

“Real help, bro,” Gabe grumbled hotly.

“Hey, I tried.  You’re not listening.  So, I have nothing to offer.”

Gabe glared at Cas and grumbled under his breath.


	38. Chapter Thirty-Eight

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked as he walked through the door, behind Dean.  They just got back from dinner. 

Dean wanted to go to Bobby’s the night before he started back, but Sam wouldn’t let him.  Dean got tired easily around a lot of people and it was hard to socialize.  Sam didn’t want his brother tired and not ready to go back to work.  Which would be an upset to Dean.  He was counting down the days and now it was there.

“Just fine,” Dean mumbled and walked to the couch.  He slowly sat down, trying to mask the grimace.  He had decided to go out for dinner instead, though Sam had protested, Dean argued that it wasn’t Bobby’s.  Though, and he wouldn’t admit it, but Sam’s was right.  He should have stayed in.

“You should go to bed early,” Sam sighed as he walked to the couch.

“Yeah.  Sure.”  Dean was holding his side. It didn’t hurt but it became a habit from when he had to.

Sam wanted to argue.  He knew he was hovering over Dean, but the man barely looked after himself when his limits were limited.

“Are you in pain?”  Sam’s eyes traveled down to Dean’s hand and frowned. He always had to ask.  Dean was too proud to admit he was in pain.  In the early days, Sam had to set a routine of giving Dean his pills when he came home from work.  Dean had this thing where he’d like to see how long he could endure the pain.  Idiot.

“I’m good, Sammy.  Just habit.  I’m not in pain,” he added when he saw Sam’s unconvinced expression.

“If you say so.”  He still wasn’t convinced, but Dean was thirty.  He could take care of himself.  Sometimes.  “You’re going back to work. Are you sure you’re ready?  Just because you got cleared, you can still stay off.”

“I can,” Dean agreed but shrugged.  “But I know my limits-”

“And you never listen to them.  You always push.  This is something you can’t chance.  I don’t care if your physical wounds are healed, your stamina is shit,” Sam cut in, needing to get his point out, even though the chance of Dean listening was basically non-existence.

“You’re only on me because I got shot.”

“I’ve always been on you,” Sam argued.  “You’re just noticing it now because you can’t do shit.”

“Yeah, well.”  He didn’t have an answer.  Sam was right, but it was always easier to brush it off when you weren’t depended on anyone but yourself.  He was constantly reminded.  Well, not so much now, but the first few weeks were hard. 

Sometimes Sam wondered why he even tried.  Especially now.  He was there for Dean, but he didn’t make it any easier.  Times like these, it was simpler to say ‘fuck it’ and let Dean deal with it on his own.  But, they have been there for each other and nothing in their lives was easy.  It was a true test and it was challenging them. 

Dean wasn’t making it easy and Sam wasn’t making it any better, not respecting his wishes.  Sam couldn’t leave Dean, but he was forcing him to do things he didn’t want to do.

It’s what worked for them.  They fought and ignored each other, but eventually, they agreed or comprised.  It wasn’t healthy at all and even Cas commented on it once.  It was a routine they had started years ago and it was too late to change it.   

“Fine.  Anyway.  Are you nervous?  About seeing Cas, I mean.”

Dean hasn’t seen his husband since that day and he still heard nothing from Cas.  He tried yesterday, letting him know he was starting soon.  That was a stupid move on his part.  He didn’t need to let Cas know when he was coming back.  Cas’ silence was proof.  Still, though they were done fighting for each other, he couldn’t cut ties.  Until it was official, which should be soon if he ever handed the papers to Cas.

“I texted him.  Still nothing.”  He didn’t know why he was sharing this with his brother.  He should have some secrets, but that was the thing.  When you live with your brother and he’s practically taking care of you, you have no secrets.  “I feel fine.  If I’m being honest, I’m more nervous about work.”

“That’s probably normal.  You’ve been off for over a month.”

“Mmm,” Dean hummed and sat back.  He was tired and would be going to bed soon. He didn’t want to wake up exhausted and have to go to work half dead. “A lot’s going be different.  Did I tell you they know?  About Cas and me,” he elaborated when he saw the questioning look form on Sam’s face.  “Not the divorce.”

“I know.” The younger man admitted and smiled sheepishly.  “I was there when Cas said it.”

“Oh, right.  Forgot.”

“Has anyone texted you?”

“Not about that, but Charlie has messaged me. Not a lot though.”

“So, no one has talked to you about it.”  It wasn’t a question and if it had been, Dean wouldn’t have answered it.

“Hopefully it wasn’t rough on Cas and has blown over.  Well, probably not when I’m back.  Cas hasn’t warned me, but I’m preparing for the worst.”

“Are you happy that it’s out.  And don’t treat the question like I’m stupid.  You held all of this back for almost nine years.  It’s all going to change.”

It already was changing.  Before the shooting and now they were just going for it. No more secrets.

“I guess.  We never talked about a time.  I was going to ask when I got back, but that’s when I fucked it up too much.  If I didn’t get shot, we probably would have stayed quiet even during and after the divorce.

“I know you’re going to call me a girl for this, but let me finish.  I’m proud of you. I know you feel like everything’s coming at once, but you are still fighting.  I was worried that after the shooting, you wouldn’t be the same.  I know all of this has been hard, but you are still working so hard.”

Dean wanted to admit that it was an act.  He wasn’t fine, but he had to be there for Sam.  Still.  He didn’t want to burden Bobby with his shit.  So, he did what he always did: lock it up and pretend.  If Sam’s proud of him, it’s working.

He had to continue acting until he went to Pamela.

“Thanks, Sam.”  For once, he wasn’t going to be a dick.

*****

 “You two good working with each other?” Crowley growled as he had Cas and Dean stand in front of his desk.  After Parade, Crowley dragged them into his office.

Dean and Cas shared a looked and both said they could.

“Good.  It wasn’t an option, but I felt like it was courtesy to ask.  I’m always against pairing married couples together, but thought I’d give it a try.  You didn’t disappoint and I expect the same.”

Cas and Dean looked at each other before Dean spoke.  “I’m sorry, what?”

“What part didn’t you understand?  I said I trusted you two in the start and now your secret is out, I don’t want to see any differences.”

“Sorry, are you saying you knew?”

“I run my platoon smoothly.  I know what goes on.  How the others didn’t see just means they’re dumb.”  
Cas gritted his teeth and clenched his eyes.  He didn’t know why Crowley knowing pissed him off.  It wasn’t like it was a secret now.

“Am I dismissed, sir?”  Cas gritted out, ignoring Dean’s concerned look.

“You are.”

Cas nodded and left the room to find Anna for their shift.

“You know you’ll be off the street until I see fit?”

“Yes.”  He really felt ready for the full job, but his doctor and Crowley agreed to ease him back into the job.

“Good.  Now go.  I’m sure they are all waiting.”

“Thank you,” Dean nodded and stepped out the office.

“Nice to see you back, Winchester,” Charlie cheered and pulled Dean in for a hug.

“Great to be back.  On the desk, but I’m willing to do anything.”

Charlie nodded and smiled.  “We were all so worried.  Glad you are here.”  She hugged Dean, this time more tightly.

Out of all the officers, Dean had to say he bonded with Charlie the easiest and saw her the most outside of work.

“Cas kept us all updated, but it’s different finally seeing you alive and walking.  Lovely  _husband_  you have there,” she joked and Dean fought the urge to roll his eyes.  He knew there would be joking, but it happened less than an hour.

“’Sure, Jo also kept you informed.”

Charlie narrowed her eyes and lightly pushed Dean’s shoulder.  “Dick.”

Dean laughed and stepped away from Charlie, avoiding any more harm.

“Anyway, I have to go.  Aiden is waiting, but I will find you later.”

“Sounds good.”  Dean did a half wave as Charlie walked away.   He took an empty desk and just started his day. 

Sam had told him that Cas said they caught Marv.  He was pissed that they got him when he was still at the hospital, but at least they didn’t have to worry about him now.

The day dragged or it felt like it did.  Dean still got some pain from his scars if he moved wrong or got up too fast.  Stupidly, he did the latter and had to stay down for several seconds.

“You okay,” Becky asked as she walked over to Dean’s desk.

He wavered her off and took a sharp breath.  “I’m fine.”

The young woman smiled slightly and nodded.  “Okay.  So, how is it?  Being back I mean.”

“Slow,” Dean answered as he slowly stood up.  “Got used to sitting at home, but I hated it.”

Becky followed Dean to the break room, staying close.  They were silent until they got to the room and Becky started up—or tried to—a conversation.  They didn’t socialize much alone, so it was awkward.

“Nothing really happened here.  Except Marv.”

“Yeah. I know.  The one big thing and I missed it.  Though I heard you won a small Fortuna.”

“Sorry?”

Dean smiled at the woman before turning to the coffee machine.  “Heard you won our bet.”  Dean turned and grinned smugly.

Becky’s mouth dropped.  “Ho-ho-did you -what?”

“So, what did you say to win?  Because what I’ve heard no one was close.”

“How do you know?  You’re not mad?”

Dean turned to his ready coffee and picked it up.  “No.  People wanted us to be together since the start.  Well, wanted us to fuck.  Just didn’t think they would put money on it.  Clever.  And Jo asked me why Charlie was bitching about losing money to you.  I just figured.”

“Huh,” Becky pursed her lips and nodded her head like it made sense.  It kind of did.  She guessed.

“So, how much was it?”  Dean took a sip of his coffee and grimaced at the taste.  He should have got one on the way here.

“You want to know?”

Dean nodded and smirked.  “I want to know how much people valued our supposed love life.”

“$565.”

Dean whistled and grinned widely.  “No wonder Charlie’s pissed.”

“I almost didn’t go in.”  She didn’t know why she was admitting that, but Dean just chuckled.

“Glad you did.  Better you than Charlie.  She’s been on my ass since Cas started to…work…here.” He stuttered the last part, suddenly through back to where he and Cas actually sat and it wasn’t happy.  Not like it was when Cas started here with him.

*****

“Hey,” Dean said hesitantly as he walked through the changeroom, finding Cas by his locker.  The room was empty, which was a blessing.  He didn’t want people to hear them.

“Hi,” Cas said quietly, flicking his eyes to Dean before dropping them.  He wanted Dean here so badly, but after he sent the papers, he was on edge for the conversation that was sure to come.

“How was your day?”  Dean stopped by his locker, which was right next to Cas’.  Now that he knew Crowley always knew, he wondered if this was on purpose.

“I should be asking you.”  Cas turned to stare at his husband.  He looked so tired.  There wasn’t any doubt that just sitting still whipped him out.  Shouldn’t the doctor have assigned him for shorter shifts?

“Tired.”  Dean shrugged and opened his locker.  “And long.  I shouldn’t have fought to just get back into this.”

“You could always ask Crowley.”

“Maybe.  I’m just sitting.”  Dean pulled his t-shirt over his head before grabbing the clean one.

Cas frowned and shook his head.  “Not trying to be mean, but you look horrible.”

Dean laughed as he pulled his shirt over his head.  “Shit, Cas, you just go for it.  Don’t worry, I feel it.”

This was hard.  They haven’t talked at all excepted when they were in Crowley’s office, and even then, they didn’t talk to each other.  They were at work.  They can’t act stiff and distanced, but it was so hard to act like he didn’t want to let it all out.  Not the place.  They were the masters o\f pretending.

Cas gave him a tight smile as he grabbed his shoes.  “I know you like to push yourself and I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Cas sat on the bench behind them and changed his shoes. 

He really didn’t want Dean to hurt himself again.  Even though he sent the papers, it didn’t mean that he didn’t care.  He always cared.  And now wasn’t any different.

Dean felt his heart race, which was weird.  Wasn’t it?  No?  Maybe?  Just because they were divorcing, didn’t mean they didn’t care for each other now. 

“Well, I think this is something I shouldn’t push.”

Cas laughed as he tied his shoe.  “Only took you getting shot,” he teased, as he looked up.

Dean smirked and shrugged.  “Sounds right.”

If they were heading to the end, if he could still have Cas in his life, he would be happy.  Maybe they weren’t meant to be together now.  If Cas wanted to try being friends, he would do that.  It wouldn’t be right away.  Of course.  But that didn’t mean they could try in the future.  As selfish as it was, he would take anything Cas gave him.

Right now, it was like they never had that talk, and Dean wasn’t ready to bring up the forms.  Now was not the time.  It would take too long and work was not the place to have this discussion.  For now, they just acted normal and Dean would go with it for as long as Cas wanted it.

“Heard that there was a bet going around?  About us.”  He needed to say something, and that really wasn’t the best subject.

Cas dropped his foot and rolled his eyes.  “Yes.  Charlie bitched at me about how I could have waited a few months to drop the bomb.  I say it was the perfect time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”  Cas furrowed his brows and leaned back, resting his hands behind him.

Dean shrugged and leaned back against a closed locker.  He really didn’t know.  “For leaving you to deal with all of this.  For making you have to confess.”

“I had to or they wouldn’t have let me in.”

“And then I blocked you.”  Dean still hated himself for that.  He was mad at himself for getting in that situation and he took it out on Cas.

Cas tilted his head.  “You already said sorry and I forgave you.  Don’t have to still do it.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty.  Doesn’t mean our conversation helped me get over that.”

Cas stood and moved to Dean.  “You don’t have to, but don’t apologize.  It’s over.”

“It really is,” Dean admitted and hung his hands. 

Cas frowned and stood up.  He smiled sadly and pulled Dean in tightly.  Dean gripped Cas’ back and pressed his nose into his husband’s shoulder.  They haven’t hugged in weeks and now was probably the last time.

Cas tightened his grip and it felt nice.  If this was the end, he wanted to do this before it got weird.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” a voice came, breaking the little bubble Dean and Cas were in.

The two jumped apart and stared at Kevin.

“Just because you guys are out, doesn’t mean you can be gross.”

Cas and Dean glanced at each other and then Kevin.  Dean bit his lips as Cas stepped back, looking to the ground.

“Sorry.”  Dean looked at Kevin and then Cas, who wasn’t looking at him.

Kevin chuckled and shook his head.  “Relax.  Just teasing.  You two are so jumpy.”

“Geez,” Cas finally spoke up.  “Thanks for that.”

Dean and Kevin exchanged looks.  The older man shrugged.  He knew why Cas was acting irritant, but they didn’t want anyone to know.

To Kevin’s credit, he didn’t comment and walked to his locker.  “Tough day, Cas?”

“The worst,” Cas tried to lighten his voice, but Dean could tell Cas was struggling, Kevin didn’t catch on and that was a blessing.  They didn’t need him to be questioning shit.

Cas gave Dean and Kevin a tight smile and walked out.

The younger man looked at Dean and raised his eyebrows.  Dean wanted to laugh.  Everyone here knew they were married, but not about the divorce.  It was funny.

“No idea,” Dean answered and quickly changed.  “See you tomorrow, Tran,”

Kevin waved and stared at the door.  It was only Dean’s first day back, but already things between Dean and Cas were… Different.  Dean only just started back and maybe he was reading too much into it.  All he knew was that things weren’t the same.

*****

Pamela smiled as Dean sat down.  Dean was a tough patient and no matter what was new with him, it was a challenge.  It was a nice change.  She liked being tested and Dean made her work.

“Glad to see you back,” Pamela greeted as Dean sat across from her.

Dean nodded and shifted in his seat.  Even after three sessions, it was still an imitating experience.  No matter how much he considered canceling in the week leading up to each visit, he didn’t.  Which was a miracle.  Actually, this whole experience was one.  He was still going and he was proud.

Bobby still didn’t know.  As much as he loved and trusted him, he could never let the man know.  He knew about the divorce and he didn’t know if what Bobby said was true or fake to protect his healing.  Honestly, now, he just wanted honesty.  He wanted people to tell him what a dick he had been.

He really wanted to tell Bobby, but he was like a father to him and he didn’t want to disappoint him.  He already knew Bobby wasn’t impressed that he ruined his life.  He already had John, he didn’t want Bobby to no longer be there.

Sam would tell he was stupid, so he didn’t let anyone know.  Pamela, yeah, but she didn’t have connections to his life. 

“Yeah, well, I figured it’s going well, I should continue.”

Pamela smiled and it always unnerved Dean.  He always felt like a kid getting praised for doing something well. 

“So, Dean, have you started work?”

Last time he was there was before his appointment and didn’t have a chance to go back.  Well, he did, he just didn’t want to.

“I did.  I’ve been back for about a week.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah.”

“A lot of people are like that.  So, what have you been doing.  I know you said you would be off the road and-”

“I am,” Dean cut in.  “On desk until two weeks, I think.”

“Must be hard.  You’re not one to step back, but now you do-”

“And it’s shit,” Dean finished, causing Pamela to chuckle.

“Wasn’t going to say that, but we’ll go with that?  How was Cas?”

Dean groaned and closed his eyes.  He knew this would be a question he’d have to answers, but that didn’t mean he was ready.  The first day back was… Odd, he guessed.  The next few were… What were they?  He and Cas didn’t talk to each other unless they had to.

He tried to text that night, but received the standard silence.  Was he mad that he wasn’t giving him the papers?   He wasn’t doing it on purpose.  Or he was?  He just couldn’t do it because it would become too real.  He had to soon.

“It was… Fine?  The first day back was good.  We talked, but after that, Cas didn’t talk to me unless we had to.”

Pamela hummed and pursed her lips.  Dean’s hated that look because he always felt like she was judging him.  She probably wasn’t, but he didn’t know.

“Is that all?  I doubt, but you can just leave it.”

Dean hated when Pamela did that.  She always made it sound like he could stop, but he knew she was telling him to continue and it was insulting.  Well, no, but it was easier to think.

 _Fuck_ , he muttered before exhaling loudly as he dropped his head back.  “No.  I might be reading too much into this, but my first day was good, as I said.  My friends teased.  I was expecting it, but after, when I was in the locker room with Cas…” he trailed off, think back to that moment, wondering if was really reading too much into it.

“Take your time,” Pamela said, sensing Dean’s hesitation.

He was really thankful for her.  She wasn’t pushy, but she didn’t let him off easy for anything.  She was a good match.

Dean rubbed his hands together, trying to keep him busy.  “We kind of talked.  It was the first time we talked since the time at Sam’s.  It was nice.  We didn’t talk about that night, which was okay.  It wasn’t the place.  But when we hugged…” he trailed off, wondering to himself why he was being so honest.  Saying every detail.  Maybe he had to move on or maybe it was because he felt comfortable around Pamela.  "Anyway, someone came in and made a comment about how we are gross because we’re married and huffing.  After that. Cas started to avoid me.  Is Cas really relevant here?” he asked after shared his day.  Really, though, it was about him, not Cas.   Right?

“He is.  You two are getting divorced and you still have to work together.  It’s not ideal for couples, but this is unavoidable.   This is why I’m asking.

“We haven’t gone through with it yet.”

“But it will happen soon, right?  From what you tell me, you’re not looking to transfer.”  Dean nodded, but Pamela didn’t comment.  “Have you given Cas the papers?”

Dean drew his eyes down to his feet. Shamefully he hasn’t.  Couldn’t.  Didn’t.  The longer he held onto them, the longer he could put off reality.  He knew it wasn’t fair to Cas and he was being selfish.

“No.” 

He didn’t see Pamela’s expression as he kept his eyes focused on his boots.  He was ashamed.  He didn’t need to hear he was in the wrong.  He saw it enough in Sam’s eyes when he saw the signed papers.  Though, it could be in his head.  Seeing what he felt he deserved.

“Dean,” Pamela spoke, her voice levelled and not sympathetic like he thought.  “Look at me.”

Dean thought he could fight her and not lift his head, but that would be immature and wouldn’t help.  Slowly, he looked up, carefully avoiding Pamela’s eyes.

“I just can’t.  Work isn’t right and I-I just can’t go home.”  It was pathetic, but true.  It was embarrassing.

“You’re still living with Sam.”  It wasn’t a question, but Dean nodded.

“It’s not fair to Cas,” Dean admitted, “but I don’t—can’t do it.”

Pamela stayed silent, watching the man across from her.  They really weren’t getting anyways.  Until Dean accepted all of this, they couldn’t move forward.  Dean couldn’t move forward.

“I know this is hard to accept this is, and I’m not going through this, but it’s not healthy to hold onto all of this.  You said you wanted to get better, but you can’t do that if you hold onto the past.  It’s scary right now.  You have the only piece holding you and Cas together.  But not letting that go doesn’t help.”

Dean finally met Pamela’s gaze and fought the urge to roll his.  She was true and being brutally honest.  He knew he was stretching this out.  Cas probably—no—wanted to get this over with so they could move on.

“I know.”  It was all he could do.  Talking to Cas really tore him open.  Talking to Pamela really cut him down and then the papers came, and he lost all hope.  Why  _was_ he even here?

“I understand this is hard.”  Pamela was making her voice soft, which was weird.  Dean would rather have her just give it to him.  Tell him to stop pouting and move on.  “But, Dean, this won’t work.  You are just putting off the inevitable.”

 _Ah!  There it is!_ This is why he felt like he could share.

“I’m not pushing, but I’m telling you, you need to make a decision.  If you’re here for Cas or are going for the divorce for Cas, you have to say yes or tell Cas you want to try again.  I already know you two have, but you aren’t ready if you are holding onto the papers.”

“I never said I wanted to try again.”  It wasn’t a lie.  He never said that, but it wasn’t a lie that he wanted to try again.  He did, but Cas made it clear they couldn’t do that.  It wasn’t okay, but it was.

“No, but you did admit that you don’t want this divorce.  You basically are saying you don’t want this.  So, from what I see, you have two options: one, sign the papers and give them to Cas or ask Cas if you two could try again.  If he says no, at least you can walk away knowing that you tried.”

Dean thinned his lips.  It was a hard decision and he didn’t want make it, but he had to. 

“You don’t have to decide now, but you have to soon.”

Dean knew she was right.  He couldn’t hold onto the papers forever.  He felt like he needed to make his decision now.  He had to say it out loud so it’d be out there and not in his head.  After these past few weeks, he knew his answer.

*****

 _I don’t know_ , Sam typed out, fingers hovering over the keys before hitting send.  Spencer wanted to set him up and that would be an experience.

Spencer wanted to set him up with a cousin of Oliver’s or some shit like that.  He didn’t remember and sadly, he didn’t care.  He just wanted to start dating when he was ready.

_Sam, you can say no, but would you consider it?_

Sam sighed and took a deep breath.  He didn’t want to do this is.  He knew Spencer meant well, but he really should step back.

_I know But I’m not ready_

Spencer didn’t reply right away.  Sam was relieved.  Ever since his slip up, Spencer has been trying to get Sam’s mind off of Gabriel.

Sam’s phone vibrated just as a buzz filled the room.

“Thank God,” Sam muttered and placed his phone on the counter.  He walked to his intercom and regretted answering it.

“Hello?”

“Sam?”

Sam felt his heart stop.  He held his breath, trying to stop hyperventilating.

“Gabriel? Ho-wh-why are you here?”

There was a moment of silence before Gabriel spoke.  “Can we talk?  Please?” he added and waited for Sam.

“Um… Sure.  Sure,” he repeated.

What the fuck? he mouthed

He pressed the button and waited for a second before hanging up.  He opened his door and waited.

“Hey,” Sam smiled as Gabriel walked down the hall.

“Hey,” Gabriel echoed and stepped past Sam, into the room.

“You can sit,” Sam offered and took a seat on the far side of the couch.  He was trying to act calm.  He felt like he was failing miserly, but he was past caring.

Gabriel sat down and shifted to face Sam.  Sam kept his body facing forward, but turn his head.  He felt like he was having a panic attack.  Fuck Spencer’s advice.  He was never going to be normal.

They’ve never been together in private since that one day and now he was regretting letting Gabriel in.

“Look, Sam.  I’m sure this is too late, but-”

“What is it, Gabriel?”  Really, what was it?  Gabriel never sought him out.  It was always run-ins.

Gabriel worried his lip, looking like he didn’t want to be here either.

“I wanted to apologize for the way I broke up with you.”

Sam wanted to laugh but held it in.  “Okay?  Why?”

It’s only been a few months, but it was kind of late.  He wouldn’t say he’s over it, but he’s come to terms with how they left it.  This was opening wounds that still haven’t fully healed.  He was as fine as he could be.

“Because I was a dick.  I handled it poorly.”

“I think you handled it well.  You got your point across.”  Okay, so, he was a little bitter.

“I could have dealt with it better.  I was angry and I took it out on you.  Seeing you were a reminder of what Dean did.”

“That’s understandable.  I did just stand by.”

“But you are his brother.  Cas told me how Dean basically raised you.”

“So, you are only doing this because of what Cas said.  Because of Cas.”  It wasn’t a question.  He knew it was the truth and Gabriel’s silence was enough of an answer.  He would never have been here because of himself.

Yeah.  That’s what he thought.

“You know, Gabriel, you have no idea how much I wanted this, but you don’t need to apologize.  I’m not mad.”

Not a lie.  He wasn’t mad.  He was hurt, but he wasn’t going to let Gabriel know that.

Gabriel hated hearing Sam say his full name.  Even before they started fooling around, Sam would call him Gabe.  Now, it was like Sam was trying to distance himself from him.

“You may not believe it, but I do feel bad.  I was mean and what Cas said, I was a bit out of line.”

Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head.  He grinned, but it wasn’t in happiness.

“Okay, look,” Sam sighed.  “Gabe.”  He didn’t realize his slip, if he wasn’t so concentrated on trying to get Gabriel out, he would have.  “Please stop apologizing.  I know you probably are, but the thing is, you did get to this point on your own.  You most likely agree with our break up and that’s fine.  I’m not mad.”

He felt like he needed to repeat this shit for it to convince Gabriel.  When he did, Sam could go back to trying to forget Gabriel.

Gabriel stared at Sam for a while, trying to figure what was going through his head.

“I’m not,” he repeated when Gabriel didn’t reply.  “You made a choice and I agreed with it.  I’m not going to freak out.”  Because I’m practically numb.  “I’ll be honest, I’m not okay, but I’m with you on your decision.”

“Why though?  You said you're not okay.”  This apology was not going well.  Sam was being too forgiving.  He didn’t see Gabriel at fault.

“As I said to you when we broke up: you haven’t been through many break ups.”

“You haven’t,” Gabriel shot back hotly, but Sam didn’t react to the change.

“No, but you haven’t been in any.  And don’t count me.  We were never official and maybe that’s why it was easier.”  He never admitted that to anyone.  Who would he admit it too?  Not himself.  That was for sure.

“Yes, we were,” Gabriel argued lamely, trying to make his decision sound.

“No.  We weren’t.  I was going to ask when you ended this.”  Sam moved his hand about, waving in the air.”

“Is this why you are so calm?”

Sam laugh, mockingly.  “You really don’t get it.  I said I’m not okay, but I’m not one to make my ex’s life hell.  I want to see you happy.”

“That still doesn’t make sense.”  It didn’t.  Sam should hate him.  He led Sam on and though the breakup was for a reason, he acted too quickly.  He should have asked Cas before all of this.  His brother was always the forgiving one.  He wasn’t.

“I loved you, Gabriel.  And the breakup hurt.  I wanted you to be happy and if that what you wanted, I wanted to give you that.”

Sam had to take a breath to calm himself.  He never thought he would be in a position where he had to admit his darkest secret.  The one that made this breakup hard.  He wished he could take it back.  He never wanted Gabriel to know, but he had to make Gabriel understand.  It was an insult.  Gabriel didn’t just believe him.

Gabriel felt his heart stop.  Never did he have someone who wasn’t family love him and it was Sam.

“Sam-” he tried, but Sam shook his head.

“I’m not telling you to make you feel guilty or make you feel like you have to give me a second chance.  I’m explaining why I can handle this.”  A damn lie.  “I want you to be happy and you made it clear that can’t happen with someone who ignored Cas.  I know he forgives me, but we both know Cas is too forgiving for his own good.  Which makes me feel like I didn’t deserve it as fast as I got it.”

“You did, deserve it, Sam.  I acted out and I’m sorry.  I am.”  He really wanted Sam to understand.

“Maybe.  I think I’m the one who should judge but thank you.”

“You’re frustrating.”

“And you knew that.”  He learned to not to accept apologizes that he felt he didn’t deserve and now this was one of those times.

Gabriel huffed and pushed a hand through his hair. “Do you think we will be friends?”  It was a strange question and he didn’t know why he would ask it.

“I don’t know.  Cas and Dean are getting divorced.  You’re going to go with Cas and I want to talk to Cas still, but I don’t know how easy that will be.  Remember what happened?”

Gabriel was silent.  He made a stupid mistake and if it wasn’t for Cas, he wouldn’t be here.  That probably said a lot of his character and why Sam wasn’t going for it.

“I do forgive you.  I do believe you are sorry, but you were right when you said you couldn’t be with me and be there for Cas.”

“We could have tried.  I could have tried.”

Sam laughed and shifted himself so he was facing Gabe.  “You resented me because of Dean and if that was the reason for all of this, how are you going to handle seeing the man who broke your brother’s heart?  Can we just part ways on good terms?  If we try again, it will never work.”

Gabriel felt like the wind was knocked out of him.  He was one that ended them those few months ago and now he didn’t know why Sam saying there was nothing for them hurt.

Sam was trying to keep his composure.  He loved Gabriel, but the history of their brothers was too open to ignore.  Could never work.

“Maybe,” Sam said after a long stretch of silence, “after things settle down, we could try to be friendly? later?”  He didn’t say 'friends' because that would hurt more.

“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed, but he didn’t sound convinced.  He doubted Sam would want him around, but he had to let Sam think that.

“It was nice seeing you again, Gabriel.”  Lie!

“I should go.”  Gabriel stood up and turned to Sam.  He had to get out of here.  “It was nice to see you too.”

Sam smiled, too brightly and forced, but Gabriel didn’t comment.

“Of course.”  Sam waked to the door and opened for Gabriel.  They said a strained ‘goodbye’ before Sam closed the door.

Sam dropped his head and took a deep breath.  He felt drained and just wanted to lay down.  Instead of going to the couch, he went to the kitchen.

His hovered over his phone and grabbed it.  He still had the thread with Spencer open and started a new one

You said his name was Jamie? he sent before he could second-guess himself.

_Interested? ;)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters!!!


	39. Chapter Thirty-Nine

Cas walked down the hall, wishing their apartment wasn’t eight doors down and practically the end.  He was tired and ready to collapse on the floor.  Fuck making it into his house.

Gabe, the charming man that was, dragged Cas out for dinner after his shirt.  Ten hours in booking and then enduring three hours with his brother was not an ideal day.  It was only eight and he was ready to sleep.  Preferably for twelve hours.

It’s only been over a week since Dean’s return and to say it was hard was an understatement.  It was agony.  He wanted to hug Dean again, but after Kevin’s comment, Cas realized how much he wasn’t willing to admit.  He didn’t like how everyone knew and was expecting them to jump each other.

He knew if they weren’t going for a divorce, he wouldn’t care, but now, it would be shameful when they had to admit they were done.

Maybe he wasn’t tired from his day.  It shouldn’t be too exhausting going through a divorce.  They haven’t gone through it yet.  Dean still had the papers.  He wouldn’t be honest to anyone, not even himself.  If he wasn’t being honest with himself, maybe he was lying.  Maybe he was just scared that his thoughts were true and not him being hopeful.  All he was willing to admit was that he wasn’t in any hurry to get the papers.  And no one, not even Dean, would know.

He stopped talking to Gabe about Dean and their marriage.  He wasn’t helping and his dislike for Dean was making it worse.

He pushed his door and rushed in when his neighbour’s door jiggled.  He was not in the mood to make conversation. 

It was just getting dark, so it wasn’t too hard to kick his shoes off and walk to his bedroom.  He was planning on going to sleep, so lights weren’t a need.  Well, kind of, but he didn’t care.

He stripped and changed in his pajamas—an old t-shirt of Dean’s, one of the few he stole after Dean got shot.  He intended to keep them, but no one needed to know that.

He quickly got ready for bed and grabbed his pants to get his phone.  He still has all of Dean’s messages.  It has built since Dean’s first shift back.  The final one was sent three days ago and only said _Sorry_.  Apparently, Dean was getting the hint that he didn’t want to talk.  It wasn’t that.  He didn’t want to talk, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to, it was because he couldn’t.

He couldn’t be civil and act like he wasn’t going through a divorce with a man he saw every shift.  How Dean could act normal was beyond him.  It was probably habit from growing up with John.  He wished he was like that.  Now he was making Dean feel like he hated him.  No matter what, he could never hate Dean.  He may have hurt him, but all he felt was pain.

It was funny, he never thought he would marry his first boyfriend, get the same job and then divorced before they even hit nine years.  He always thought it was before ten, but then again, they never did anything normally.

They were right: high school romances never work out.  Even though they had been together for twelve years, it was time for the end.

It’s only been two months since Dean unofficially moved out and it was still hard falling asleep alone.  How fucking pathetic.  Even though it’s been years since they cuddled, it was still comforting having someone in the bed.  Also, it’s been eleven years of living together and change was hard.

He placed his phone on his nightstand, trying to ignore the itch to text Dean back.  Each time was getting harder and harder and he was sure that he would cave soon.

*****

Sam walked through the door, kicking his off and took off his jacket.

“Dean,” he called.  He looked around the room.  It wasn’t large and if Dean wasn’t in the living area, the bedroom and bathroom were the only places he could be.

He walked to his bedroom and sighed when it was empty.  He called out again, though if Dean didn’t answer, he wasn’t in the house.

Sam pulled his phone and texted Dean.  He didn’t have work and he wasn’t moving out for another two weeks.

He dropped his phone on the island before going to change.  He didn’t mind wearing a suit, but it was always nice when he didn’t have to.  He always felt stuffy.

After his talk with Gabriel, it was like he finally could move forward.  He would be lying if he didn’t say he didn’t miss the man.  He did.  And it still hurt to know Gabriel wanted to be friends instead of trying again.  He needed to protect his feelings.

It’s only been two weeks since Gabriel came over and he hasn’t heard anything from or about the man.  Cas was respecting his wishes of not hearing anything about Gabriel.  Something must have happened after Gabriel left because Cas almost asked before collecting himself.  He was tempted to ask, but he didn’t need to hear it.

He’s only gone out with Jamie twice and it was nice.  He was nice.  Not loud like Gabriel.  A little taller than him.  Slightly darker hair and the complete opposite of his ex.  It was nice.  He was reminded why he was out and that wasn’t fair to Jamie.

They have texted often, but Sam was hesitant.  He was sure that Jamie wouldn’t hurt him like Gabriel did, but it was hard.  Both of his relationships ended.  The last one being the hardest.  Maybe he had shit taste in people.

He was supposed to go out with Jamie this weekend and he was excited.  Not like when Gabriel was around, but still happy.  Which, made Sam feel like an ass for comparing his dates to Gabriel.  He needed to lose him if he wanted things with Jamie to grow.

He was lost in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the door open or Dean standing in front of him.

“Sammy,” Dean snapped, causing the younger man to jump and drop his phone.

“Shit,” he growled and bent to grab it.  It wasn’t cracked.  _Thankfully_.  But he was pretty sure he had a heart attack.

Sitting back up, he glared at his brother, who just smirked and shrugged.  “Sorry.”

“Where the hell were you?” he asked, ignoring Dean’s pathetic excuse of an apology.

“Out.”

“Uh-hu.  Where?  You didn’t have work.”

“My Place,” Dean answered, sounding ashamed if his bowed head was any indicator.

Sam kept his face blank, even though he was struggling.  Dean never went to his place.  He had Sam get him some things when he moved here.

“Why?”

Dean didn’t answer but turned his head to the door where two suitcases laid.

“I had to pack.  Figure now’s a good time.  I’m moving out in two weeks.”

Sam nodded, still staring at the luggage.  It was finally happening

“Cas wasn’t there,” Dean said like he was answering a question Sam didn’t know he was asking.  “I texted him, but he didn’t answer.”  He never did.  The only time they’d talk would be at work and even that was strained.  Just after he came back, Cas and Dean decided it was for the best for Dean to move out.  They never talked about it before and Dean just assumed that he had to.  The papers were a confirmation of everything.

“I can’t believe you are doing all of this and still have the papers.”

Dean lowered his eyes.  It was shitty.  He was moving on like Cas wanted but he wasn’t giving the crucial piece to all of this.  There was nothing to do if there wasn’t a divorce and Dean was stalling it without meaning to.  Maybe he was.  He was being selfish, wanting to hold onto their marriage before it was over.  Even though they basically were divorce.

“Well, Cas hasn’t asked for them, so let me be delusional for a bit longer.”

Sam pulled a face but bit back a snarky remark.  He didn’t need to be more pissed when he said what he was about to ask.

“Eventually, you will have to.  Why not get it over with and then move on?   Why stay in a fantasy when it will have to end eventually?  You are just causing yourself more pain to you and Cas.”

Dean stayed silent after that.   He truly didn’t have an answer that didn’t make him sound petty.  It may seem so simple to Sam, Bobby, Jo, hell, even Cas.  It wasn’t.  It should have been.  Nearly five months ago, sure.  But things changed while he was undercover.  But he was too late and was selfish.

“I will, I just… I don’t know.  I would say you won’t know until you have gone through this, but I don’t want anyone to go through this.  Especially you.”

“I won’t act like I understand.”

Dean hummed and nodded.  There really wasn’t anything he could say without repeating himself.  There wouldn’t be anything new to discuss until he gave Cas the forms.  But that wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation.  It had to happen.  He’s had them for five weeks and Cas not asking for them was a mystery.  At work, there was never any signs of a divorce.

“Can we just talk about something else?”

“Sure,” Sam said without missing a beat and it had Dean wondering if he was ready for this.

“I actually wanted to ask about Gabe?”

Sam pulled a face and frowned.  “Why?  You don’t like him.”

“Well, I think it’s fair.  I shared a lot, now you should.”

“You do realize you’re the one that only has a problem with sharing,” Sam deadpanned.

Dean shrugged and smiled cheekily.  “Still, you never talked about Gabe.  That’s the one thing you never shared.”

“We broke up.  There’s nothing to say.”  He hasn’t told Dean about Jamie.   He wasn’t ready to share after the thing with Gabriel (he still didn’t know what they were) because it was irrelevant as soon as Dean came back.

“I know, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

Sam wanted to laugh.  It was funny how Dean was caring or saying he did.  Probably felt bad that Gabriel broke up with San because of him.  He didn’t want to bring up Gabriel anymore.  It was a wound that still hasn’t healed and talking about him wouldn’t help.  It was so stupid to fall in love so fast.  That was what it got him.

“You probably don’t want to share with me, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk because it’s me.”

“Since when did you get all sentimental and willing to share moments?”

Dean smiled sheepishly and shrugged.  “Pamela,” he answered simply.  “She said it would help if I was more open about these kinds of things.  I’m trying.”

Sam wanted to say he didn’t have to, but Dean was trying and he had to let Dean do this, no matter how odd it was.

“Okay.”  He would try to.  “There really isn’t anything to say.  I was being the stupid girl in all of this and reading too much into what we had.  Or what I thought we had.  Apparently, it wasn’t anything since he’s fine and I’m not.  You could say.”

When they had their big talk about John, Sam let out why Gabriel left in.  He would still blame it on the alcohol.  Dean had apologized, but Sam just brushed it off and said he was stupid for getting too invested in Gabriel.  He should have kept it casual like he.

“You weren’t the girl.”  He didn’t like when Sam referred to himself as that.   It was always a joke and it hurt that San thought that this time it was true.  “You know I’m joking, right?”

“Yeah.  I do.  Honestly, it’s never bothered me, but I can’t help but feel like I was the girl in there.”

Dean never wanted Sam to be hurt.  And he was, but it was out of his hands

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t talk to me because it was Gabe.”

“It’s fine.  It probably wasn’t going to last anyway.  We all know what Gabriel is like.  I was just setting myself up.”

And that was the sad reality he had to face.  He always thought that he would be with Gabriel for a long time, but his judgment was clouded.  What he had with Gabriel was never going to last.  He knew Gabriel wasn’t the type.

“Anyway, it’s done.  I rather not talk about it.  Please.”  He wasn’t above begging.  Actually, he was, but it would get his point across.

“Sure.”

They didn’t say anything for awhile.  Neither knew what to do.  As much as Dean loved Sam, it was exhausting living with your brother.  Living with Cas was so different.  It was… Nice.  But it would never happen again.

*****

Charlie just put her phone down when Dean walked through the doors with Sam.

“Dean,” Jo called and waved him over to the counter where Bobby sat in one of the stools.  “How are you doing?  Haven’t seen in weeks.”

“There’s a reason for that,” Dean laughed as Jo grumbled.  “I’m fine.  Started work last week.”

“I heard.”  She pointed to Bobby.  “How is being back though?  You still look tired.”

“Thanks for that.”

Sam hid his laugh behind his hand and walked over to Charlie.  He knew the girl, but only met her a handful of times.

“I’m just saying what I’m observing.  But, seriously how are you doing?”

Dean took a seat by Bobby and said a quick greeting before looking back at Jo.  He really missed this place.  When he visited Bobby the other week, it was at his house.  This was more comfortable.

“Get tired easily.  Hard to rest when you have to find a new place and work, but that’s healing.”

Jo hummed and looked to Bobby who was staring at Sam and Charlie.  This was the first time he met the woman and he had to agree that she fit in effortlessly. 

“Right, Bobby?” Jo snapped at the man out of his thoughts.

“What was that?” he growled out and took a sip of his beer.

“I was just saying how Dean gave us a real scare and we’re glad he’s here.”

“Right.”  Bobby clasped Dean’s shoulder.  “Glad to see you back.”

Dean bit back a hiss at the jostle.   “Thanks.  Nice to get back to normal.  Or as normal as possible.”

Jo and Bobby shared a look.  No one has commented on Dean’s divorce, even though he knew they wanted to bring it up.  Well, Jo, he knew was being respectful.  Bobby, well, he was just waiting for the man to break the silence.  The man never stayed out his business.  Dean knew he meant well, but it was hard when he didn’t give him a recovery period.

“Dean!”

Dean snapped his head towards Sam and Charlie.  The woman was waving her hand over as Sam just rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“Come over here.”

“Just go,” Bobby said before Dean could respond.

The younger man didn’t need to be told twice and walked over to their table.  He took the spare seat by Sam and didn’t get a moment before the woman jumped in.

“Sam was telling me you and Cas dated in high school.  That is _so_ cute,” she squealed and missed the murderous glare Dean gave Sam.

 _Sorry_ , Sam mouthed, which didn’t help.

“And why did he tell you this?”  Dean glanced from Charlie to Sam.  He was sure no one knew when he and Cas started dating.  Though, they didn’t hide that they went to the same school.

“We were talking about how it’s still so weird that you and Cas are married and I joke that it would have been cute if you two dated in high school.  And then Sam said I was basically right.”

“Great,” he said, voice dripping sarcasm.  “Thanks, Sam.”

“It just slipped out.”

“I thought I already answered all of your questions.”

“You did,” Charlie replied.  “But that never occurred to me. It’s cute.  You’re those high school sweethearts.”

Dean wanted to ask if the last four years were just erased after they came out as married. They didn’t hide that they weren’t happy.  That part wasn’t the lie, but since the announcement of a marriage that was almost a decade old was more important than their current shit.  That might work for when the divorce was finalized and announced.

Dean really wanted to let Charlie know that she was cheering for a relationship that wasn’t around anymore when the woman turned her attention to something over his shoulder.

“Dean,” Sam hissed and slapped his brother’s shoulder.

Dean turned to Sam, but like Charlie, his focus was on something behind him.  Dean followed his gaze and felt his blood run cold and the colour from his face drain.

“What the fuck?” Dean hissed, anger clear in his voice.  “Why is he here?” Dean growled through clenched teeth, acting like Sam knew.  If he wasn’t so pissed, he would have seen Sam’s confused look.

“How the hell should I know?” Sam snapped and glared at Dean.

Charlie didn’t say anything.  She wanted to ask, but she was sure she would be snapped at or ignored, judging by Dean and Sam’s faces.

“I’m not doing this,” Dean huffed and pushed up from his chair.  Sam jumped up and rushed after him.

“Slow down, Dean.”

“No.  I’m not being here when-”

“Dean,” a voice called and pulled the two brothers from their staring match.

Sam felt Dean go stiff and he was sure he stopped breathing if wasn’t for the harsh breath Dean took.

Dean turned slowly and Sam grabbed his shoulder to keep him still.

“D-dad,” Dean stuttered as he felt Sam grip tighten.  “What are you doing here?”  Fuck greetings.  He was one step away from running if it wasn’t for Sam’s hold.

“I came here for Bobby.”

Dean’s head snapped to the older man, still sat at the bar.   He gave Dean a look to ‘Don’t drag me into this’.  Fine.  It probably wasn’t Bobby’s fault.  His dad just had a habit of running the few good things he had in his life.

“Fine.  Good.  I’m leaving.”  He pulled away from Sam and started towards the entrance.

“Dean,” Sam called out, but he ignored him.

“Where’s Cas?”  That stopped Dean.  He didn’t know why, but hearing Cas’ name from his Dad’s mouth was like a forbidden word.  He wasn’t allowed to call Cas ‘Cas’, hell, he wasn’t allowed to say his full name.

“Why do you want to know?”  Dean stopped only a few feet away from his dad, the closes he’s been to his dad in months.  “Away from you.”

Something flashed through the eldest Winchester’s face, but it was gone before Dean could comment.  He didn’t want his dad to care about his life.  He was living just fine without him.  His life was proof of what happened when he let his dad in.

“I’m only asking.”

“Well, don’t.  We’ve been just fine without you.”  He faced Sam and he nodded with a tight smile.

“I know I fucked up.  If you won’t let me talk, then I can’t force you.”

“Good.  Don’t.  I don’t want it.”

“Dean,” Sam warned, but Dean ignored it.

“No, Sammy.  You haven’t been here for us.  I had to raise Sam.  I fell in love and you basically said I was a failure for being gay.”  He didn’t know why it was all coming out, but he was too far to stop.

Sam chanced a glance to Jo and Bobby.  The woman looked worried and like she wanted to jump in to help.   Bobby, his face was blank.  Big help there.  John’s face was in a deep frown and looked like he was a moment from popping.

“You didn’t care about anything after Mom died.  And you took your anger out on me because I was the easy target.  Even when we were grown, it was my fault that you ended up in jail because I was a cop.  And let’s not forget how a lawyer is more impressive than a cop.”

This has been building for years and now it was time.  It felt so good.  He needed to let his dad know they no longer needed him or that he basically fucked them up.

Sam kept his grip tight, grounding Dean and letting him know he was there.  He wanted to step in.  He had things to say, but right now it was Dean’s turn.

“When Mom died, you were supposed to be there for us.  You had to raise us, but as soon as you thought I was old enough, you found it fine to drink and dump the responsibility of Sam on me.”“I tried my best.  You think it’s easy raising two children after just losing your with\\.”

“I tried my best.  You think it’s easy raising two children after just losing your wife.”

“That’s your job.  I knew it wasn’t easy for you, but grieving and basically dropping us is not what Mom wanted.”

“How do you know what your mom wanted.  You weren’t there enough.”

Dean felt as if he’s just been slapped.  His dad wanted the blame on him.  Like always. He was sure Sam’s hand was the only thing stopping him from tackling his dad.

“That just like you!  Can’t handle that shit happens and has to put the blame on someone else—me.  Mom’s death, my fault.  Getting arrested, my fault.  Being gay, my fault.  How come it’s never Sam’s fault?  You are so proud of Sam, but what about me.  I picked up your slack.  I basically raised Sam.  I helped him in school.  I was there for him.  But who was there for me?”

Bobby and Jo were watching the argument unfold, fighting the urge to jump in.  Well, Jo.  She wasn’t sure about Bobby.  She glanced to Charlie and smiled weakly.  She felt bad that she had to see this.  Something they all tried to hide.

“Should we do something?” Jo asked as Dean huffed a laugh. She’s never seen Dean like this and it was scary.  She didn’t know how deep Dean and John’s conflict went.

“No,” Bobby muttered, still looking at the three Winchesters.  This wasn’t a time to step in.  This was Dean, John, and Sam’s time.  They had to sort this out.  Though, Dean probably wouldn’t do anything besides letting his dad have it.

Jo wasn’t convinced, but she fell silent.  Bobby was right.  They shouldn’t jump in.  This was about them. They just had to watch.

“No one asked you.”

“Bullshit!  If I didn’t, you would have blamed me.  At least I can say I’m proud of what I did for Sam and accept your disappointment.  I know it’s because I proved you wrong, but you ignored it.  You just look at what Sam accomplished as him doing it on his own.  Never giving me credit.”

John gritted his teeth and glared at his son.  Dean was always a fighter and now he was proving it.  He didn’t appreciate it.

“I’m sure it was Sam who decided to be a lawyer.”

“Unbelievable,” Dean huffed in disbelief.  “Is that all you took from that?  You see, that was why I didn’t visit.”

“Dad,” Sam jumped in, speaking for the first time.  His hand tightened his grip, but Dean didn’t react.  He was too pissed to care.  “Dean was the one pushing me through school.  Neither of us would be here if it hadn’t been for him.  If you can’t accept that, then you really haven’t believed in us.  It’s just me.  Dean is a cop and just because you landed yourself in jail, that doesn’t make his job insignificant.”

Dean was getting tired of all of this. His dad had left cuts that he hadn’t been able to heal form until it was too late.  He let his dad drag him down and didn’t realize it until it was too late. 

“You’re saying you don’t need me?” John challenged and he crossed his arms.

“Yes,” Dean cried before Sam could say anything.  But if he was honest, he’d probably say the same thing.  “We haven’t needed you in a while.  Not after we had Bobby.” 

John glanced at the older man, who was shaking his head.

“Don’t drag me into this,” he snapped as Dean rolled his eyes.

“Don’t dad.  This is between us.”  Dean moved his hand between John and them.  “And Bobby took you in, so leave him alone.”

“So, what are you saying?”

Dean turned to look at Sam, who grimaced.  What was he saying?  He was all over the place, trying to get everything out as quickly as possible.

“I just don’t get what I did to have you resent me.  Everything I’ve done, you never acknowledged it.  Unless it’s something you disapprove of.  Admit it, my coming out was all you needed to justify your hatred.  I would say you are a homophobe, but you said shit all about Sam or Cas.  It’s just me.”

John was silent for a moment and Dean was itching to leave, and he was close to, but as soon as he took a step Sam pulled him back.

“Wait,” Sam whispered.

Jo was whispering to Bobby, trying to get him to step in, but it was hopeless.  They just had to wait until they were done.

“I never hated you, Dean.”

“Don’t,” Sam snapped when he felt Dean tense up.  He was sure his brother was going to lose it.  John saying that he never hated Dean was a giant slap in his face.

“You never got it.  I-”

“Got what?” Dean snapped.  “What is there to get?  What your intent was will never justify what you did.  You can’t make up for this.”  He didn’t care if Sam was mad at him or Bobby or his dad. This was about him.

“When you said you wanted to be a cop, it was insulting.  Your mom wanted me to be there for you, but when I lost her, I couldn’t.  seeing you two were a reminder.  Then I was in jail and when you married Cas and became a cop, it made me angry.”

Dean tensed and felt Sam’s hand slip from his shoulder.  “What was I supposed to do?  Just sit and wait.  I had Sam.  We had to live our lives.  Sorry, but after mom died, you were there, but you weren’t for long.”

“Dad, we can’t do this.  Dean has been there for me and I don’t like hearing you hate on him.  I don’t care if you say you didn’t really hate him, you did.  Your actions proved that.”

Dean sighed and walked closer to his dad.  “I don’t really want to hear what you have to say.  It’s too late and it sounds like what you think is okay.”

He knew he was going against what Pamela wanted him to do.  He was supposed to have an actual conversation with his dad.  Like what he had with Cas and Sam, but _this_ was different.  He couldn’t sit down and talk.  Whatever John had to say would do nothing.

“You may not be mad, but I don’t care. You were supposed to be there for us. I was able to handle that until I came out.  That was the time I wish it were you and not mom.  As soon as you called me pathetic, I was done.  I realized you would never be there for me.”

 “Will you not let me talk?”

Dean laughed and turned to Sam, who was frowning at their dad. 

“I don’t think I will.  You only want to apologize now, why?  It’s not what just happened in jail.  It’s always been like this.  If it’s for your conscience, I don’t want to hear it.  I doubt it’s sincere.  And I _really_ don’t want to hear it.”  It felt like every other sentence he was telling his dad he didn’t want to hear what he had to say.  He probably was.

He stepped past his dad and nodded to Bobby before walking to the doors.  He heard footsteps follow him but he didn’t turn around.

“Is that it?” the eldest Winchester asked.

Dean halted, almost casing Sam to run into him.  He turned and looked at his dad.  He wanted to laugh at his dad’s pleading expression.

“I don’t want to hear it.  Isn’t that what you would say when I said things you didn’t want any part of?  How does it feel?  You’re my dad, I’m your son.  I can’t forgive you for what you did.”

He may be hypocritical.  But the difference was, he’s not asking Cas to forgive him.  He tried and it didn’t work.  It wouldn’t work now.

He took one last look at his dad before leaving the bar.  He made it to his car before Sam pulled him in for a hug.

“You did it,” Sam mumbled as Dean wrapped his arms around Sam.

“Do you think I was too harsh.”  He wanted to keep calm, but as soon as he remembered the past, the emotions just started flooding him.

“I don’t think so.  You said what you wanted to and what Dad did was harsh.  You had to let him know that.”

“Still. I should feel happy, but I don’t.”

“Well, you basically told our dad to fuck off.”  Sam laughed at Dean’s expression.

“I’m the one that shouldn’t give a fuck.”

“True.  But Dean, when we walk away, are we really saying bye to Dad or-?”

“I want to say it’s for good, but I know we’ll see him again.”

“So, we’ll just leave it and if it happens, it happens?”

Dean smiled and walked to his door.  “I'm fine with that idea.”

“Good,” Sam smiled and nodded, as he walked around the car to the passenger side.

*****

Dean walked into what looked like a warehouse with a boxing ring.  It wasn’t too crowded at the moment, but he did have to dodge people.

He saw Kevin and Charlie in a heated argument with Ruby and Meg.  Or at least that’s what it looked like.  Charlie had her hands on her hips and was talking rapidly. 

There were a few officers that he knew, but didn’t feel like he was in the mood to socialize. He was here for one thing, but he had to find him for what he needed to happen.

“Hey, Dean!” 

Dean turned around and gave a tight smile. “Hi, Benny.”

The older man stopped in front him and took a sip of his beer before speak.  “Nice to see you out.  Haven’t had a chance to talk to you.”

“Oh.  Yeah.”  Dean glanced around, not able to stay still and he really didn’t want Benny here.  “Glad to be back.  Felt like I had to get out.”  He had to.

Benny grinned and patted him on the shoulder.  “It’s good to see.  We were all worried when you were recovering.  Weren’t sure if it would change you.”

Dean had to hold back a snort.  Oh, it had changed him, but not in the way people thought and that was the problem.  People didn’t notice, which made him wonder what Cas saw.  If he didn’t see the change.  Sam saw it, but that was because he lived with him.  Well, until next month.  He found a place and was anxious to move in.  It was a huge sign that he was starting a new part of his life.

He gave Benny a quick ‘goodbye’ before walking away, not bothering to see if the man heard or not.

He saw Cas at work, but for the past two weeks, Crowley didn’t pair them up, which was a blessing.  They still haven’t figured things out.

He only saw Cas last weekend, before he saw his dad and that went as well as it could have. 

He was embarrassed that Charlie had seen it.  He wasn’t sure if she told anyone, but he hoped she didn’t.  Cas didn’t need to know.  He didn’t deserve it.  For what he did.  He didn’t want pity

He wanted to find Cas.  He had the papers and had to give them for Cas to move forward.  He could have given them to Cas weeks ago, but he couldn’t.  It would make everything finale.  No more fight.  No more begging.  No move asking for another chance.  This was final.

He knew Cas was here.  They came almost every year.  He hopped.  He looked around but couldn’t find any sign of him.

It was finally getting busy and all the people were making the place stuffy and hot.

“Fuck,” Dean grumbled and went to the washroom.  With no luck of Cas, he figured he’d go and cool down.

He just walked through the door and stopped.  Luckily no one was behind him.  “Cas?”

The man jumped and shot around, clutching his chest.  “Dean?  H-hi.”

“Hi.”

They fell into an awkward silence.  This was the first time alone since their talk and they didn’t know what to do.

“I, um.  Actually, I wanted to talk to you.”  Dean stepped closer to Cas but kept a safe distance.

“Okay?”  Cas bit his lip and clasped his hands together.  He was nervous.   “Charlie told me what John said.  I’m so-”

Dean shook his head and bit back a laugh.  Good gossip travels.  That was supposed to be private but is it really when Charlie heard.  He really shouldn’t be surprised.  Nothing in his life was private anymore. 

“It’s fine, Cas.  That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.  It’s not about that.”  And he never wanted Cas to know John was still around.  For now.

“Um… Okay?\”

“Here.”  Dean pulled out a rolled-up stack of papers and unfolded them before handing them to Cas.

Cas reached out slowly.

“They’re the papers,” Dean answered as Cas took them hesitantly.  “Sorry, it took so long.”

Dean missed Cas small gasped and the deep frown.  So, this was really happening.  He really wished Dean would try to fight and not just fold, but he doing what Cas wanted.

“Dean-”

“They’re sighed.  Don’t worry.  I didn’t mean to keep them for so long.”

“Dean-” Cas whispered, Dean didn’t hear.

“I want you to be happy.  If this is what you want, then-”

“This isn’t want I want,” Cas jumped in, looking like he was only a few seconds from crying.  “I never wanted this.  But what do we have left?”

Dean pursed his lips, trying to keep his emotions in check.  He wasn’t a big crier, but for the past month, he set a record for his whole life.

Dean took a deep breath and looked Cas in the eyes.  “I’m going to therapy.  I’m not saying this to see if this makes everything better.  Actually, I don’t know why I told you.”

He saw Pamela once more before coming here, though, they didn’t talk about is lack of a relationship.  It was about his dad, but he had to clear everything before he came here.  What he said the last time he saw Pamela and he was forced to make a choice came Back.  It was the right decision.  Not one that he wanted, but it was the only choice.

Cas was going to cry.  Fuck it!  “You are?  When?”

“After we talked.  It was you who pushed me and I-I-” he cut off, not knowing what to say.

“Look, Dean, if you really want this, I’ll go.  If this makes it easier.”  Cas looked down at the papers, twisting them.

“What?”  He was doing this for Cas, not himself.  “I don’t want you to go, Cas.  I’m giving you what you are asking for.”

“Maybe that’s all I feel we can do.  I still love you, Dean.  I do, but we tried and I forgive you, but can we really get past all of this?”

Cas was playing with the papers, needing something to do.  They felt so heavy like it was an effort to hold them.

“I love you too, Cas.  I know I haven’t shown it in so long and I can never say or so how sorry I am.  Or how much I regret it.  That’s why I want you to be happy.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to change because what you heard.”

Cas scoffed and looked up from the floor.  “It was never about that.  I will say that it helped me understand, but I never wanted you to go.  I won’t be happy with a divorce.”

Dean frowned and tilted his head.  He was so confused and he was sure Cas was too.

“I don’t want the divorce.  You’re it for me.  Don’t you see that, Dean?  I’ve never been so happy, and even when the last few years were horrible, what was sick was that I took it because I was still with you.  And don’t apologize for that.  You didn’t make me feel trapped.  I always knew you would let me go, but I just couldn’t.  And even now, but it’s too much.

Tears fell down Dean’s face, but he wasn’t making any sounds.  “I wish we weren’t here.”

“I do too, but we are and what can we do?  Hell, we are shit at talking.  We’re doing what we think each other wants.”

“I know.  We just jump and I really don’t know what we can do,” Dean said honestly.  He knew what he wanted, but wanting and obtainable were two very different things.  “We tried and look what happened.”

Cas flipped the forms and looked at Dean’s signature.  How much he wished it wasn’t there.  How much he wished Dean didn’t sign them because he wanted to try again.

Dean followed Cas’ movements and swallowed around the lump in his throat.  “I signed then the day I got them.”

Cas clenched his teeth and gripped the papers hard, but didn’t look up.

“But I didn’t want to give them to you.  I had many chances, but I just couldn’t.  I only did it because I got them after our talk.  I figured it was your answer.”

“It was,” Cas whispered.  “But it was a stupid choice.”  He looked up, tears falling down his face.  “I regretted it as soon as I sent them, but I was too afraid to ask for them back.  I was scared that your answer would show we aren’t on the same page and we aren’t.”

“We’re not.”  Dean vision blurred and he ducked his head.  They both didn’t want this, but they couldn’t find a way out of this.

“What do you want, Dean?  I know you signed them because I asked, but what do you want?”

“I want us to be normal.  Go back before all of this.”

Cas smiled sadly, wiping his eyes.  “I want that too.”

“But can we really move past this?  I want to.  I want us to be fine, but it’s all up to you.  It’s your decision.  I’ll do whatever you want.”

Cas rubbed his eyes and pulled at his hair.  “Why do I have to choose?”

“Because I hurt you,” Dean said slimily, almost whispering.

“What if I wanted your choice and not say what you think I want to hear?  What would you say? If you had the choice.”  Cas raised his head and met Dan’s eyes.  He held them and saw the conflict swimming in them.  “Be selfish.” 

“Are you sure?”  Cas nodded and Dean sighed heavily.  His shoulders sagged as he broke eye contact for a second.  He took another deep breath before he confessed, ready for Cas’ reply.  “I want us to try again.  Really try.”

To Dean’s surprise, Cas was silent for a long moment.  He dropped his eyes.  He was rocking on his feet, going over Dean’s confession and his response.  He wasn’t confused anymore.  He knew what he was going to say.

“So, where do we go from here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had Future Friends by Superfruit stuck in my head as I wrote this chapter. I had this planned before the song came out and yet it fits! Also, I'm not sure if I want Sam and Gabe back together. I had an idea, but now I don't know.


	40. Chapter Forty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three years ago on this day (I accidentally deleted the original post), I post the first chapter of Surrender in Blue. Now, I can say we are at the end. :(

**_1 year later_**

Cas had Dean pushed up against the lockers.  He cupped Dean’s jaw, deepening the kiss.

Dean moaned and pulled at Cas’ uniform.  The locker room was empty.  All other officers were either done for their shift or in Parade.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean panted, pulling back, just slightly.  “You’re going to be late.”

“Don’t care,” Cas mumbled and pressed his lips against Dean’s.

The older man pulled back and laughed.  “I’ve corrupted you.”

“We’re on opposite shifts.  I need to feel you.”

“I don’t know why, but that’s sexy.”  Dean kissed Cas again and pulled away.  Leaned down to grab his bag and smiled.  “And I don’t want you to be too late.”

Cas pouted but walked with Dean out of the changeroom.  “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll call when I’m getting ready for work.”

“You better.”

Dean laughed and wrapped his free arm around Cas.  I love you.”

“Love you too.”  Cas kissed one more time and let his husband go.

Cas and Dean didn’t live together.  After their conversation in the washroom, they decided to try again, but live separately and date.  It was weird dating your husband and Cas felt like he was a teenager again.  It helped though.

The first few months.  Both had trouble adjusting to living on their own.  The only times they didn’t live together was when Dean went away and when Dean was shot.  It’s been eight months and it still wasn’t easy.  Dean didn’t want to push Cas.  So, all they did, Cas had first say.  Until recently, Dean started deciding things for them.

When they were on opposite shifts, they didn’t stay together.  So, when they saw each other at work, it was a treat.

Dean’s new place was very basic.  Almost like their first place.  If—when Cas let then live together, he wanted to go back to their place.  He had to keep positive that they would make it.

“You’re late, Novak,” Crowley snapped when Cas walked into the room and sat by Chuck.

“Sorry, Sir,” Cas apologize, but the older man just rolled his eyes.

“Sure, you are,” Chuck muttered and nudged Cas’ side.

The younger man just grinned and shrugged.

Things were a little awkward at work when Cas and Dean started working together again.  Their co-workers didn’t know what to do.

They not to worry, but they still found it weird.  Until Kevin found them kissing in the locker room four months later.

Cas had to say that things were back to normal.  It felt like when it would be back in the day if they were out.  A few years late, but Cas would happily take it.

Dean still went to therapy, but not as much.  Cas thinks he continued just because he liked Pamala.

Cas still had a hard time believing that Dean was getting help.  That was also one of the reasons Cas gave Dean another chance.  It had to be hard for Dean at first, but how he is still going, is showing how committed Dean is.

Cas was proud.

“You two are disgusting.  If this was what you would have been like, I’m glad you saved us.”

Cas laughed, earning a glare from Crowley.  He was on the desk, what was the worst he could do?  He was happy He saw Dean this morning.  That was the only time they had together when they had morning and night.

He was in a good mood.  Nothing Crowley could say would bring him down.  Oh, shit!  Booking.  Yes.  That could piss him off.

*****

**_10 months ago_ **

“This is so weird,” Cas said as he shifted in his seat, looking around the café.

“Why?”  Dean was picking at his muffin when Cas finally spoke.  They were at the place Cas chose for their lunch, but the man barely said a word since they sat.

“This.”  Cas moved his hands around.  “Being here, on a date with my _husband_.”

Dean smiled and shrugged.  “I guess.  We agreed to try this.”

“Yeah.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel stupid.”

“Hannah said we just have to try this.”

Cas rubbed his temples.  “I know.  It’s just… I wanted this, but it if feels like we’re back to the beginning.”

Dean pursed lips and hummed.  “We kind of are.  It’s only been two months.”

“I know,” Cas repeated and grabbed his coffee to keep him busy.  “We did agree to this,” he agreed. 

“Do you want to do this?” Dean asked carefully, feeling like he has to be careful right now.

Cas looked down at the table and bit it.  They’ve only been in therapy for almost two months and while he wasn’t regretting trying again, it was having to tell Hannah all their dirt.  Both had to be vulnerable.  Dean already opened up so much during their talk and now he was willing to do it again proved how much he wanted this.  Cas just didn’t know if he wanted _this._ He kind of wanted to try without help.  But, that won’t be healthy

“I do.  I want to this so badly.  It’s just… Admitting all of this.  We both did things we’re not proud of and now we have to share it with a basic stranger.”

Dean chuckled and leaned back in his chair.  “Basically, what I felt when I was talking with Pamela.  Felt like she was judging me.”

“I still can’t believe you went,” Cas sighed.  He was glad but so confused.

“I want to say I went because I wanted to get better for us—that was the intent—but then I got the papers and I just went because I fucked my life up, so, may as well go all out.  It helped.”

Cas felt his heart clenched at the mention of the papers.  That was a stupid idea on his part.  He told Dean he regretted it and he did.

After that night, Dean went home for the first time in over a month and he felt like a stranger.  It no longer felt like his and that made him realize how far Cas and he had fallen.

They had a _long_ talk.  They talked about where they stood now.  They talked about if there was hope and what they could do about it.  It was five when Cas and Dean fell asleep.  Too tired to change, but they found themselves sleeping close together.  Something they hadn’t done in years.

A week later Dean moved into his own apartment.  Cas didn’t want people at work to know.  Dean pointed out that they were going back to secrets.  Cas said he didn’t give a shit and people didn’t need to know this part about them.  Dean wanted to protest, but it was what Cas wanted.  He agreed.

Shortly after, Dean found Hannah.  As much as it should have been Dean to protest, it was Cas who made noise.  He said they needed help, but like when Dean went, the reality was way different than when it was just a thought.

Dean took a sip of his coffee, looking around as placed his cup down.  It was a coffee date.  Hannah suggested to start out small, but even back then, they never did this shit.  It was such a cliché date and just showed how out of it they were.

Cas was fiddling with his hands, needing something to do.  It was weird.  He literally wasn’t this nervous on their first date.  Now they were married and he felt like his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest.

“So… How is your apartment?  Um, yeah.”

Dean smirked and raised his eyebrows in question.

“Oh, fuck off,” Cas growled with no heat.  He was trying… To say something and Dean was showing it was irrelevant.

“We really are out of practice,” Dean chose instead of an answer, and it was true.

“Obviously.”  Cas sighed.  Why couldn’t they fast forward through the hard parts? 

“Anyway.  It’s good.  I guess.  Weird living on my own.”

“I’ve had practice.  Sorry,” He muttered and pushed a hand through his hair.  “Didn’t mean that.”

“Don’t be.  It’s true.”  Dean shrugged and smiled slightly.  It still felt so weird smiling at Cas.  He didn’t realize how much they stopped doing until they had to do them.

“Still, it won’t help.”

“No, but if it happens, it’s normal.  I mean, look at us.”

Cas groaned and fought the urge to slam his head against the table.  He’s right and that’s what made all of this so shitty.

“I know.  It’s not going happen so soon.”

“I’d be concerned if it did,” Dean tried to joke, but it fell flat.  It was a reminder of how much he had fucked up and all the work they had left.

Cas let out a small chuckle and looked up at Dean.  “You’re right.  We signed up for this.”  He gave his husband a softy simile, who returned the gesture.  It was what he signed up for.  What he was willing to fight for and if Dean was still here, talking him down, he was in for it too.

*****

**_Present Day_ **

They feel into a comfortable silence.  Cas had his head rested on Dean’s chest, hearing the soft thud of his heart.  He loved these days.  It was like old times, but in the present and he was so glad they were here.

They both fought and they were winning.

“Hey,” Cas said, cutting through the silence.

“Yeah?”

“I have a question.”

“Um.  Okay.  You scare me when you start off like that.”  The last time Cas asked him a question, it was to visit Lucifer with him.  He went, of course.  But it was an experience.

The past year had been hard.  Dean knew some of the things Cas had asked were a test.  At first, he thought he had to say yes or felt like he had to.  Not that he never wanted to do those things.  He did.  Except for the Lucifer thing.  However, that had only been last months and Dean could have said ‘no’. 

“Okay, this going to sound weird, but why didn’t you go into Detective?”

“You’re right.  That is weird,” Dean teased.

“Hey!”  Cas slapped Dean on the shoulder as the older man laughed.

“Sorry.  Why do you ask?”  Detective wasn’t something they touched about in years.

“Well, you never talked about it after you started working.”

Dean frowned and stared at Cas’ head.  When he first wanted to be a cop, he wanted to become a detective.  That thought never crossed his mind after he heard about UC.  Maybe if he did do Detective, they wouldn’t have been so far in the hole.

“Because I think you should do it.”

“You do?  But then I wouldn’t be with you.”

“You’re right.  We wouldn’t drive together, but it’s something you first wanted.  Plus… You look good in a suit.”

Dean laughed and squeezed Cas.  “That’s really your only reason.  Isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Cas drawled out and tipped his head took at Dean.

“You’re crazy, Cas.”  Dean bent down to kiss Cas’ hair.  “Honestly, I don’t know if I should.  There’s more schooling and-”

“Never stopped you before.   Before you were so excited to start and then finally be a detective.”

“Maybe I changed.”

Cas let out a snort and rolled his eyes fondly.  “What’s the reason, Dean?”

Dean was silent for a moment.  He was stroking Cas’ back, but his mind was far off.

“Dean?”

The older man took a deep breath.  “I’ll miss driving.  Being on the road and with you.”

“But you always said you loved the behind the scenes when there was a case.”

“I did.  Didn’t mean that I wanted to change.”

“I know… Marv,” Cas hesitated for a moment.  They never talked about that day.  It was painful for both.  The thought of Dean dying on him was too much and it has only been a year.

Dean bit his lip and tightened his grip around Cas.  He said nothing.   He wanted to hear what Cas had to say.  If Cas brought up Marv, there was a reason.

“That case really had you going back to your wish.  You were looking into things that you probably weren’t supposed to, but the was neat.  It was like it was your case.”

He thought about what Cas said.  It was like his case and yet it was a memory he didn’t want to revisit.  It really put a lot into perspective.  It was what made him realize he was just dragging Cas down.  After the shooting, it basically left him with no argument. 

“It did.  Do you think I should try?”  He wouldn’t say he wasn’t interested.  It was just the idea of another change.

“I think you should.  If you want to, but that my opinion.”  He would be lying if he said he said he didn’t want to see Dean in a suit.  That didn’t mean he didn’t think Dean could do it.  He always thought Dean had it in him.

Dean smiled down at Cas and turned to face out the window.  It was only the end of July, but it’s already colder more than hot.   It looked like it was about to rain all day, but nothing happened.

“You honestly think I could do it?  Should do it?”

Cas hummed and sat up.  He turned to face Dean who sat up as well, wearing a confused look.  Cas laughed and shifted to lean against the armrest.

“I do.  I’m probably making this sound like a big deal.  Wanting to talk about it, but we haven’t had these kinds of talks in years.”

Dean nodded, he knew what Cas meant.  They were shit at communicating, which was how the ended up here.  Even in the year they spent building themselves up, they were more focused on finding the same page and staying on it.  This is how the whole fiasco with Undercover happened.

“We haven’t,” Dean agreed and shifted to face Cas.  “I won’t lie and say I never thought about it in the past. It’s just after I heard about Undercover, I wanted that more.  Was the wrong chose.”

Dean was still beating himself up overtaking Undercover.  If he did Detective like he originally wanted, they probably wouldn’t be here.  Actually, it was a blend of John and UC.  They probably would still be here, but not as bad.  Dean wouldn’t have had anything to hide if he went into Detective.  Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten shot.  He wouldn’t have been on the streets.  Would Cas be the one?

“Dean,” Cas smiled softly and tilted his chin up.  “Stop thinking.  It was a year ago.  We are here now.”

“Sorry.”

“Stop it.  You’ve apologized enough.  You have to stop going back there.  Pamela said it’s not healthy.  You have to accept that I forgive you and what happened, happened.  You can’t live in regret.  I could be looking back on what I should have and didn’t do.”

“It’s hard.”

“I guess.  But I love you.  Isn’t that enough to move on from the past?”

He knew Cas was right.  He needed to move one.  Sam has moved on from Gabe and his dad.  He needed to.  He hasn’t seen him since that day and it has helped.  It was like he got closure.

“I love you too.”  He moved forward and caught Cas’ lips in a quick kiss.  “I still don’t deserve you.”

“Dean!” Cas growled and pushed his husband back.

Dean laughed and sat back up.  He used to say that to Cas back in the day and the younger man would always argue.  Now, he liked to say because it always bugged Cas.

“You are such an ass.”

Dean just smirked and shrugged.  “I know.  But seriously, should I try for Detective?”

“You know, I always thought that’s what you wanted.  After I started working, you never talked about it and I just didn’t ask because I forgot.  I want to say ‘yes’, but it’s your choice.  Won’t say I wouldn’t be excited.  I always saw you as a detective.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to say ‘no’ to you.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Yes, it.”  Dean smiled as Cas rolled his eyes.

*****

**_8 months ago_ **

“You know, I know Hannah said we have to go to each others place, but can we stay at our—my place.”  Even though it’s only been four months since Dean moved out, Cas still had a hard time referring to their place as his.  It was still Dean’s as well.  He just now lived… Here.  His place was like stepping back in time.  It was cute, but it felt like they were going back.  Or Cas did, which he realized was stupid.  A place didn’t represent what they were doing.

“Really?”  Dean walked over to the couch were Cas stood by, as he looked around.

“I’m not saying this place sucks.  I just feel weird sleeping here then go home.  It’s like the walk of shame.”

“Well, I don’t know about that.  We’re not having sex.”

“Dean, be serious.”  Cas crossed his arms and let out a huff as he dropped down on the couch. He had to admit that Dean did furnish the place nicely.  It was just weird being here with his husband and then going back to his place.

“I am.  You’re over thinking it Cas.” Dean sat next to Cas, but kept as much distance as the couch would allow.

“I am not.  How can you act like all of this normal?”

“Well, first of all, I’m not.  I’m trying to act like I’m fine with this.  There’s a difference.  I know this isn’t normal, but it’s what we have to do.  Second, it’s not easy for me when I stay over and then have to back to mine.  We see each other at work, but you’ve only been here for six nights in the past few months.  I’ve been over to yours for eight.”

Cas cringed at the mention of ‘his place’.  That would never be normal.

“I know.  I know.  It’s just weird when-” Cas cut off when he realized what he was about to let slip.  He was ready for Dean to move back.  He wanted it, but he couldn’t.   Hannah would be pissed.  She would say he wasn’t making progress.  Also, Dean still had eight months on his rent. 

“What is it, Cas?”

“Nothing.  It’s stupid.  Hannah’s right.”  He knew the mention of their therapist name would sway Dean’s current thoughts.  He hoped.

“If you’re sure.  I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m not,” Cas reassured and shifted to face Dean.  “I’m good. You’re right and Hannah’s right.  We need to this.”

Dean didn’t look convinced and his question was more proof.  “You’re not saying it because you think it’s the right answer, right?  You can disagree.  Not everything Hannah say you have to be fine with.  I didn’t agree with Pamela at times.  It’s normal.  It’s fine.  I don’t expect you do everything she wants or what you think I want.  You can fight me.”

Cas was silent for a long while.  Everything Dean said was true.  It scared him that even after nine years of marriage, four years of that were Hell and four months of healing, Dean could still tell when he was lying.

“But I don’t like it.  We fought so much these past few years.”

“We did,” Dean agreed.  “And will probably still.  Everyone fights, Cas.  But that was all we did last year, and it will happen again. Not like last time, but we will disagree on things. Hell, we did that when we were dating.”

Cas knew Dean was right. They would fight.  Maybe that was why he was so scared.  All they did was fight before they finally pulled their shit together.  He wanted them to be perfect, but that was unrealistic.

“Why do you always have to be right?”

Dean laughed and pulled Cas to his side and kissed his forehead.  “I’m not.  Most of the time it’s you who is the sane one.  If I listened to you, I wouldn’t have gotten shot.”

Cas bit back a snarky remark.  It was Dean’s go to when he was trying to prove a point like that one and it pissed him off.  He never wanted to remember that day.  It was one of the worst days of his life.  The fight was hard but then Dean almost died.

“I told you to never mention that,” He bit out as Dean tightened his grip.

“Sorry.  Forgot.  But, what I’m trying to say is that we will fight and not listen to each other.  It’s okay.  The important part is that we make up.”

Cas hummed and shifted so he was laid against Dean’s shoulder.  “I love you,” he blurted out and amazed that he didn’t care that he said it.

“Cas?”  Dean’s voice was quiet as if he wasn’t sure if he heard properly.

He pulled back, still wrapped in Dean’s arms.  He laughed at his husband’s face.  “I do. I love you.”

That wasn’t Hannah’s idea.  They both decided to not say the words until they were ready to say them.  For real this time.  Now felt like the right time.

Dean bit his lip and was silent for a moment.  Cas felt his heart rate rise as he waited.  It felt like minutes but was probably only seconds.

“I love you, too,” Dean whispered, acting like this wasn’t new.  He never pushed Cas and he wanted to say that he loved Cas for over a month now. 

Cas leaned in and kissed Dean.  Dean cupped Cas face and pulled the man against him.  He deepened the kiss. 

“Dean,” Cas gasped out as Dean ran his tongue against his lips.  He pushed Dean back so he was laid against the couch.  He startled his husband’s hips.

“Fuck, Cas,” he panted when Cas moved against his lap.  “I love you.”

Cas moved his lips from Dean’s neck and smirked.  “Love you too.”

Dean groaned when Cas moved his hips, brushing against crotch.  “Cas,” he gasped.  “Wait.”

Cas pulled back and frowned.  “What?  You don’t-”

“No,” Dean cut in quickly.  “I do.  But are you sure?”

“Dean, I’m practically begging you to fuck me.  Of course, I want this.”

Dean chuckled and kissed Cas quickly.  It’s been almost nine months since they slept together and to say Cas and Dean were far past ready would be an understatement.  But they both agreed to wait until they were ready.

“You’re going to be doing the walk of shame,” Dean joked and pulled Cas back.

“Fuck that,” Cas snapped before pulling at Dean’s shirt.

*****

**_Present day_ **

“What was that about?” Dean asked and Charlie walked away after giving each a big hug.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Cas muttered as he watched the younger woman walk away. 

“You don’t think she—nah,” he cut off.  It was a stupid idea and most likely unrealistic.

“Care to share?” Cas smirked as he led the way to the squad room.  

“I was just thinking that people… Know.  About us.”

“That is stupid,” Cas teased and smiled sheepishly.  “Sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah.  It’s not a big deal.”

“We didn’t want people to know.” Cas sat down at the desk across from him. 

After they cancelled the divorce, they went back to secrecy.   Well, kind of.  They hid the divorce and the rebuilding of them.  Cas wanted it and Dean just went along with it.  Honestly, it would have been embarrassing. 

“I know, but I feel like I slipped up or Jo said something to Charlie.”

“Dean,” Cas whispered and leaned over.  The room was starting to fill and this was a conversation neither wanted anyone to hear.  “I thought I was supposed to be the paranoid one.”

“Ha, ha, ha,” Dean mocked and rolled his eyes.  “Cute.”

“I also don’t think Jo would say anything.”

“You never know.  She has been known for spilling secrets.”   He looked around and caught Kevin’s eye.  He grinned and waved. 

“We didn’t, but, maybe it wouldn’t be bad if people find out.  I’m not saying to let everyone know.  That’s private.  But, how about we don’t hide it if it actually comes up?”

In reality, he really didn’t know why it bothered him if people knew about them.  About what they went through.  It was private.  However, in this job, nothing stayed private for long.  Crowley was proof and him spilling their darkest secret was bound to come out in one way or another.  It should be shocking if people found out.  And yet, he was the one suggesting for them to stop hiding.  He was also the one who wanted to hide it.

“Honestly, it’s bugging me.  Can’t we just be okay with whatever happens and just handle it.  Look at us!”  Cas grimaced at the level his voice took.  “Sorry.”  He looked around to make sure no one heard.

“That’s been us from the start,” Dean joked.  He wanted to reach out for Cas’ hand, but he had a computer and a desk in the way.

“True,” Cas agreed. “I’m the paranoid one and you aren’t helping.”

“Sorry?”

“We need to stop this.”

“I agree, but they don’t need to know what we’ve been doing.”

“I’m not saying we need to make an announcement, but if it slips, it slips.”

“Finally getting rid of all the secrets?” Dean joked and laughed at Cas’ eye roll.

“Fuck off, yes.”

Dean smiled fondly at his husband.  It was always fine getting him riled up.

“I love you.”

Cas just scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, love you too.”

Dean laughed and fought the urge to walk around to Cas and hug him.  They were at work and had to be professional.

“Would you two stop being gross,” Victor groaned in mock annoyance.

“Fuck off, Victor,” Cas sighed.  Ever since they came clean, it was one joke after another.

Victor laughed hard a turned to face the two.  “We always thought you were rubbing off of Cas because of all the time you spent together.  This so is much better.”

Cas groaned and bit back the urge to cuss out the older man.  That was one of the unoriginal jokes going around.  Cas changing because he’s basically with Dean all day, every day.

Victor just laughed again and walked away.

*****

**_5 months ago_ **

“Fuck,” Dean gasped as his back hit the wall.  He barely caught his breath before Cas pressed up against him.

“You looked hot today.  Well, you always look good.”  Cas pulled down for a deep kiss, pushing against the man when he wrapped his arm around Cas

“Do not see yourself?” Dean teased when he pulled back, moving his hands to cup Cas’ face.

Cas rolled his eyes and pulled Dean back.  “Quiet being sentimental and fuck me.”

Dean just smiled and pushed Cas down the hall.  Cas tugged his shirt off and unzipped his pants.

“Eager?”

Cas glared and grabbed Dean t-shirt and pulled it over his head.  “You’ve been teasing me all day and I’m done waiting.”

“Okay.” 

Dean pulled them closer and took Cas’ mouth in a desperate kiss.

“Fuck,” Cas gasped as he pulled.  He never had trouble getting hard with Dean and one day he’d be embarrassed about that.

He pushed his pants and boxers in one motion.  Usually, they would take their time, but right now, Cas was done waiting and by Dean blown out eyes, he was close too.

He grabbed Dean’s waistband and pulled him against him.  He bit his lip when his cock brushed against Dean clothed one.

Dean unzipped his zipper of his jeans and pushed them down.  He walked Cas to the bed and chuckled when Cas bounced.

Dean crawled over Cas, trailing kisses up his chest.  He pressed his lips to Cas’ throat, sucking hard, pulling a whine from his husband.

Cas moaned softly.  He moved his hand to touch his cock, but Dean gripped his hand.

“Don’t touch.”

“Then do something.  I’m not above begging if you’re not going to move this along.”

Dean pulled back and smiled.  “You’re so up for it.”  He reached for the nightstand and pulled the drawer open.

Cas grabbed the bottle of lube form Dean and held it by his head, away from Dean’s reach.  Well, he could get it easily, but let him think he had the upper hand.

“If you don’t hurry, I’m taking control.”

Dean felt his cock twitch.  He loved when Cas took control, making him lay there as his husband fucked himself on him.  He took the bottle back and grinned.

He was tempted to agree.  Actually, he wanted that.

“Have at it, babe.”  He handed the lube to a glaring Cas and flipped them over.

“You’re unbelievable.”  His words were heated, but he was smiling.  Yeah, he did like when Dean let him set the pace.

*****

**_Present day_ **

“Hey, Cas?”  Dean called as he entered into Cas’—their, Cas home?  He really didn’t know what to call it.  It was theirs, but he was referring it as Cas’.  He was paying the bills.

Though, he was spending more time here than his place.  He was tempted to ask Cas if he was ready, but it wasn’t his move to make.  Cas and he had agreed with Hannah what was Cas’ and what Dean was in charge of.  Cas had put up a fight when Dean had agreed, but after a long talk after they left Hannah’s, Cas had agreed.  Reluctantly though.

“In here,” Cas called from the kitchen. 

Dean dropped his keys in the bowl on the side table before making his way to Cas.

“Hey,” Dean greeted again and moved to the counter, leaning against the granite by Cas.

Cas finished loading the dishwasher before pulling Dean in for a hug.  “Welcome back,” he joked as he stretched up to peck Dean’s lips.  “How was Sam?”

“He’s good.  Bobby asked about you. I think he thinks I’m going back to not inviting you.”

Cas rolled his eyes and stepped back, leaning against the countertop like Dean.   “You told him I had work, right?”

“I did, but I think he was still a little hesitant.  He’ll come around.”

“He better.  He needs to believe you changed.”

“I did give him a reason to not believe me.”

“A year ago.  If I’m here, he should realize you have changed.”

“Thanks, Cas.”  It always warmed his heart and made him know that he was doing things right when Cas praised or agreed.

“Was Jamie there?”

“He was.”

“Wow,” Cas said in shock.  “Big step for Sam.”

Dean nodded and smiled.  “I’m proud of him.  It took him nearly three months to introduce him to us.  And now he took him to Bobby’s twice.  I think he’s taking it slowly.  He deserves it. Though.  Sorry,” he apologized when he realized what he said.  “I know Gabe’s your brother.”

“I’m not mad.  Sam does deserve this.  Gabe was an ass and I still don’t get why he did that.  How he did that just proves he's not meant for Sam.”

Dean agreed, but he wasn’t about to vocalize it.  He did have more ideas about Gabe, but that wouldn’t be fair to Cas if he vented.

“Dean?” Cas said, planning on changing the subject.

Dean was staring at his feet before looking up at Cas.  He cocked his hip, bracing against the counter.

“Yeah?  Is everything alright?” he asked, staring down at Cas hands. They were playing with themselves.  He was nervous.

 “Everything’s fine, Dean.”  The younger man smiled.  He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist.

“Mmm,” Dean hummed and pressed closer.  This was nice.  It felt so normal.  No hesitation.

He loved this. They had a long and very rough road in front of them, but they were making their way through the past.

Dean still had his own place and Cas was missing him every night.  He did stay at Dean’s, but he liked it here with Dean.  Their original home.  It did house bad memories, but it was a place that was their growth, downfall and the rebuilding.  But, if they were trying to start fresh, they should move.

Cas was actually going ask him to move back in.  Dean still had a few weeks left on his leas, but Cas was ready to ask Dean to leave his home behind and come back to their home.

He missed not waking up to Dean every day.  In the past couple of months, Dean practically moved in, but it still wasn’t the same.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?” Dean mumbled into Cas’ neck.

The younger man laughed and pulled away.  Dean let go and stepped back.

Cas grabbed Dean’s hand, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.

“I want to ask you something.  It’s not bad.”

“Okay.”

Cas took a deep breath.  Even more than ten years together, he still found himself lost.  It wasn’t pretty.  “I want you to move back in.”  Okay.  Not a question.

Dean blinked.  Okay, this was going to be very hard.  He was already feeling his heart rate pick up.

“Are you serious?”

Cas bit his lip and nodded.  “I know your leas doesn’t end for a couple of weeks, but when it’s done, I want you back here. Don’t renew it.”

Dean couldn’t help the wide smile spreading over his face.  This was what he wanted.  What he hoped for.  But he never pushed Cas.  He always let Cas do the deciding.  The past couple of months though, they became equals in the relationship.

“Okay,” Dean smiled and walked over to Cas.

*****

**_1 month later_ **

Dean walked out of their room and to the living room, dropping down on the couch.

“Shit,” Cas gasped, clutching his book to his chest.  Don’t scare me like that.”

“Um, I do live here and it’s not my fault you were too distracted by your book.  What are you reading?”

“Yeah, now I’m wondering why I asked you to move back.”  He closed his book and placed on the floor.  Dean was leaning against the armrest and Cas took up most of the couch.

“Aww, don’t be like that.”  Dean pouted and was glad Cas was too far to touch him.  “You know,” he said again, grabbing Cas attention, “In under a month, it’ll be ten years.”

“Crazy.  And back then, we thought we wouldn’t even make it to nine.”

“I honestly thought you were going to say you couldn’t do it anymore.  I thought that for months.”

Cas smiled sadly and shifted so

was crossed-legged across from Dean.  “Dean, remember, we talked about this.  I was just at fault.  I had as much to fight for.  And we made it.  It’s been over a year and I think we are doing fine.”

Dean took Cas’ hands and held them in his husband’s lap.  “We did.  And I’m so happy we tried.  You let us try again.”

“Yeah, well, as I said when you cornered me in the washroom, be selfish.  I wanted you to choose for us and I don’t regret it.”  He leaned over to kiss Dean softly.  “And I wanted to say we made it to ten years,” He teased and nipped Dean’s lip.

“Smartass.”

Cas moved back, sitting against the armrest on his side, giving Dean room to kick his legs up.

“Actually, I’m proud of us.  I know that sounds so pretentious, but-”

“Big word,” Cas interrupted with a grin.

“Shut it Cas.  I’m trying to be nice.”  He cracked a smile, not able to stay mad in this moment.  And he knew Cas was joking.  It was like years ago when they were like that.

“Sorry.”

“Anyway,” Dean dragged out, causing Cas to chuckle.  “I just want to say that I’m so glad we are here now.  With all the hard work we put in.  It wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t,” Cas agreed.  The first couple of months were the hardest and now they came out of it on top just showed how strong they were.

“I never stopped loving you.  Even when I didn’t show it.”

“I know.  I did too.  Sorry.  I’ll stop interrupting.”

“Thanks.”  Dean grabbed Cas’ hands again and rubbed his thumb over the man’s knuckles.  He was sure Cas could feel his palms sweating.  He didn’t know why he was nervous telling Cas this.  He basically told Pamela everything.  Cas was his _husband._

Cas watched Dean, who looked like he was having an inner battle.  “Dean-?”

“I’m fine, Cas.  Sorry.  I just wanted to say I love you and I am so happy we are here.  That you let us try again.  We beat the odds and now here we are.  And I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay?” Cas dragged out.

“Years ago, I asked you a question, but it wasn’t right.”

Dean kneeled down in front of Cas, one leg behind him.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out Cas’ wedding ring.

“Dean…”

Dean didn’t let Cas finish.  “Now I want it to be right.  Castiel,” he paused for a second, taking a deep breath.  This was right.  “Will you marry me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit!! I can't believe we are now here. I never thought it would be this long!! Thank you, everyone, who has been here since the beginning, and the ones who decided to give this story a chance!! You are all amazing and I can't thank you enough for all you love and support!!
> 
> This story had so many alternate routes. I was tossing around having this in New York, Chicago or L.A. For some of the ideas I had, I needed snow or crappy weather. Honestly, the only reason this was in New York was that I had a bitch of a time trying to find things on the CPD. Also, this story was close to being in Queens, but in the end, I decided to do the city. I do wonder what it would have been like in Chicago, but all well. I'm happy with this.
> 
> I can't tell you how close the other ending was going to be the original. I decided to ask my friend. She said the other one. I ended up tossing a coin, and am so glad it landed on this ending. Close, right? Haha
> 
> I am posting the alternate ending and you can decide which one you like. 
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/12171282


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